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 What is this thread? iPhones. Android devices. The Ouya. It's my job to stop you from making bad decisions. Here it is: The worst of the worst iOS and OUYA games out there. How does it work? Every == CURRENT EPISODE == Cutie Monsters Pokémon 3D Run: Cute Pocket Game for Kids & Family  I release some inner demons. == PREVIOUS EPISODES ==   Original thread archived here. Gamesfreak13563 fucked around with this message at 21:14 on Jun 10, 2015 |
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Jun 1, 2015 05:13
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== VOTE ON... == Obama vs. Romney  Why should I vote for this? App Store reviewer supersonicsixteen posted:I keep finding myself losing and losing but it seriously anyway. App Store reviewer Moondog Matt posted:Seriously, it's pretty annoying. The ame is fun, but begging for 5-star reviews every few turns is tacky and EXTREMELY annoying. You wanted a review? You got one, as in "one star." Soda Shaq Basketball  Why should I vote for this?  Votes: None BeyondDead  Why should I vote for this? It's like Metroid, done poorly. It also crashes constantly. Votes: None A Crazy Grandma Run Gangster Injustice Quest 3  Why should I vote for this? All of Jay Xu's work on the App Store could really qualify -- I'm pretty sure most of his games are just clones of one another. Looking through his work, I'm pretty sure the Easter Bunny wants me dead now, plants have incurred the wrath of the undead and pixel art muscle dudes can shoot sperm cells at zombies -- but Crazy Grandma Run Gangster Injustice Quest 3 stood out to me as the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Just read the reviews: B-digs is awesome posted:I was truly blown away from this game the life like graphics played a key role. Or suggest your own game to be played! Gamesfreak13563 fucked around with this message at 15:46 on Jun 11, 2015 |
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Jun 1, 2015 05:14
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Glad to see you back playing crappy mobile games, Shaqdown 2 lacks all the charm of the first one.  Voting for the Lawyer game, I'm won already by the picture.
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Jun 1, 2015 06:06
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Awww yes it's back. Totally missed opportunity for a title such as Bad iOS/Ouya Thread 2: Attack of the Clones though. Chucking in a vote for...  ...because I honestly don't know how it's going to be any worse than Super Monster Bros but now I'm morbidly curious.
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Jun 1, 2015 06:10
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I have actually played Beauty Lawyer Victoria and as such I vote for the Obama game instead
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Jun 1, 2015 06:22
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I gonna vote on the Lawyer game. I must find out what happens next.
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Jun 1, 2015 06:50
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Gotta throw a vote in for Pokemon Ripoff 3D.
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Jun 1, 2015 06:58
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Beauty Lawyer Victoria, wanna see how bad the Phoenix Wright ripoff is.
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Jun 1, 2015 07:14
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BLV, I want to see how low the pixel art gets.
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Jun 1, 2015 07:36
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Beauty Lawyer Victoria I really hope she's actually a lawyer that specialises in the fashion industry.
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Jun 1, 2015 07:37
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It has to be the lawyer game.
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Jun 1, 2015 10:23
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I vote for the Legally Blond/Phoenix Wright crossover: Beauty Lawyer Victoria
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Jun 1, 2015 11:43
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Give me the Pokemon.
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Jun 1, 2015 15:27
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Beauty Lawyer Victoria Because I got to know if it takes place in notjapan/Los Angeles.
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Jun 1, 2015 15:31
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Beauty Lawyer Victoria because Phoenix Wright is a really weird choice of game to make a low effort mobile rip off of and I seem to recall their being a sequel so apparently its at least unique enough to avoid a C&D.
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Jun 1, 2015 16:04
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Glad to see this return. And it looks like the lawyer one has pretty much won.
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Jun 1, 2015 16:28
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Single female lawyer Having lots of sex...
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Jun 1, 2015 16:39
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Definitely voting for Beauty Lawyer Victoria because it's clearly a ripoff of Phoenix Wright and I want to see how deep does the rabbit hole go. Also I'm curious about that bathroom finder app (sit or squat).
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Jun 1, 2015 20:26
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My vote's for Beauty Lawyer Victoria because I'm honestly interested in how bad that gets. Also it's great to see this thread again, so I know even more of what to completely evade (though I lack both Apple devices and the Ouya anyways, but you know, can never be too careful!)
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Jun 1, 2015 23:41
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Poking through the ShaqDown 2's .ipa, as I always do after a game. Things I noted:
But, because you demanded it: All Shaq's VOs from ShaqDown 1 Gamesfreak13563 fucked around with this message at 00:05 on Jun 2, 2015 |
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Jun 1, 2015 23:56
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 Beauty Lawyer Victoria loving up her practice Using the wrong evidence and being pretty tactless Beauty Lawyer Victoria Poor man's Phoenix Wright Welcome to Beauty Lawyer Victoria, the dullest game I've ever played. In this game, you are  Ok Google, who killed Miss USA? Response: Possibly this andryogenous Asian man? There's a worthless pause button and a way to mute the game's audio, both functions easily found on the phone itself (the volume buttons and just quitting to the home screen). What notably doesn't exist is a way to go back to the title screen easily. Though I suppose if you really had to (and you can get caught in long rear end text loops before the game lets you lose), you could force quit the app. In the bottom right is the Court Record, which works pretty much like in Phoenix Wright.  "Why won't my client shake my hand?" California Detention Center, Case No. 2010-1 Defendant Visiting Room.   (This case is about a Miss USA. If I win this one, I will be famous... But, this is a murder. If I'm wrong, I would be sorry for the victim... Victim's already dead, chief. I'm not even sure...whether my client is really innocent...)   Attorney, I really want to kill myself. This line was such a shock the first time I read it. I still think it's hilarious. I don't know why I've become a suspect. Why would I kill the woman I love? Thrill, fame, life insurance policies, etc. No one trusts me. You will trust me, won't you? Please help me prove myself that I'm not the murderer. At this point we can either take or refuse the case. Refusing leads to a game over, but lets see where it goes: I don't think I can trust you. How could I defend you when I can't trust you. I can't take this case. I can't take this case because I don't trust you. I can't believe it... I am hopeless... (Sobbing)... Get another lawyer dude, I'm sure nobody will turn down the Miss USA murder case. But for us, it's...  Well apparently my gag reflex hasn't prevented me getting this far, so let's try again: (His eyes look innocent...) Of course, I will help you. Don't worry. I'll help you prove yourself. "My fees are $115 an hour. I'm a beauty lawyer, dammit!" Thank you. Thank you so much. You are my only hope. (OK. Let's do this for my client who trusts me. I can do this! Ive already gone through all kinds of things. "That one time Apollo Justice beat me to get his own Ace Attorney game is water under the bridge." Let's start from scratch. A beautiful Miss USA fell from a hotel room and died. Her boyfriend became the suspect right after her death. He is my client. If he is not the murderer, ... ... who could have killed her and why?...) Couldn't she have fallen out of the window herself? Also, it bothers me that you keep referring to her as a Miss USA. (Anyways, ... let's investigate the court records?... No, what about going to the scen for more evidence? The police might have missed something out!) Well it's obvious we have to do both, or else we might miss something out. Let's start with the Court Records: Court Records posted:Case 2010-1 Now to investigate the scene. Let's see what the police missed!  Pictured: The police missing loving EVERYTHING Welcome to our lone investigation scene. In Beauty Lawyer Victoria, you can only carry five pieces of evidence for no adequately explained reason, and only four of them are worth anything. Because I didn't want to play around with probabilities, let's guide it up and find out the four we gotta take, and their obtuse descriptions that barely help:  == Fingerprints on the Phone == This is the telephone that was in the room... If someone used it, there must be fingerprints... I should take this to the Forensics Department for fingerprint analysis... I could probably assume the time when the crime happened by contacting National Communications...hmm... ... ... The descriptions only change to reflect the information you need once you reach court and can't go back.  == 8th Floor Sales Records == Sales records... It shows all the reservations and occupancies of the date when the crime took place... According to this, Room 803 was the only reserved room... Since this five-start hotel requires reservations to stay, Room 803 must be the only room occupied on the 8th floor that day.  == Dinner Receipt == This is a paper receipt. DMC restaurant? It's a popular Chinese restaurant in the hotel. ... Since it was printed at 6 in the evening, the victim must have had her supper that this restaurant... Hmm... ... Hmm... ... ... This seemingly useless piece of evidence breaks the whole case open.  == Rope == What is this... A long, black rope... I don't get it... I should take this to the Forensics Department for a further analysis... Hmm... ... ... Hmm... How did the police miss the loving murder weapon?! It's RIGHT THERE! Also, I poo poo you not, those hmms and elipses weren't added by me.  Once we're done, time for court at the legendary OOOO Court.  OOOO Court Case No. 2010-1 Official Trial 1 All rise!!  Be seated!! Hmm. That was the closest this game had to actual animation.   We will now initiate the trial for Case No. 2010-1.  Public Prosecutor, please describe the grounds of your prosecution and initiate the hearing.  Oh poo poo! Who sold you get your glasses, Gendo Ikari?  Defendent Dennis, who is present here today, dated Victim Jessica for three years and recently proposed to her. However, the Victim would not want to date him after she became Miss USA and famous. She could be with many people that seemed better than him. She must have hoped for more and found it unnecessary to keep dating the Defendant. The Defendant became furious, so he called the Victim to a hotel room, choked her to death using a rope, and threw her body out the window to make it look like a suicide.  Hey public prosecutor, looks like your left eye's on a bit crooked. Defendant, are you really Victim Jessica's boyfriend?  There is a jury present, but they don't actually do any judgment of any kind. Yes, I am... Then, why did you kill the Victim? Dammit Victoria! Object, you dumb broad! What are you talking about? This is unfair. I am not the murderer. Mr. Dennis, you were with Jessica at the hotel on the day this case occured, right? No, Prosecutor. Ask if he was with Jessica at the hotel on the day the murder occured. No. I was at home all by myself. Mr. Dennis!!! You have to stop lying!! We have all the evidence. Except the murder weapon, apparently. Just admit it. If you admit it, we are willing to request for favorable arrangements. Mr. Dennis. Will you admit it?  Hey, this pose looks familiar. Eh, must be my imagination. (Oh, boy. What should I do... They have all the evidence?... I'm not that well-prepared...I don't think I can win this case... Should I made him admit it?...) I dunno, Victoria. Should you made him admit? Hilariously enough, you actually can. The plea bargain sounds like a good idea, why not - until I learned that the plea bargain was actually THE DEATH PENALTY.  Win big, indeed. But I can't give up now. My client needs me! (What should he admit? He's not the murderer. I should further investigate the case...) Except you can't. What are you talking about? I did not kill Jessica. I swear to God. The writers do not understand contractions.  Objection.  THERE IT IS MISSION loving ACCOMPLISHED though you could've picked a better time than when your client was swearing to God he didn't murder her  The Public Prosecutor is WHO THE gently caress IS MR. DAVID?! (Crowd murmuring)... "She called a witness in a trial! How unthinkable!"' Well, I at least hope Mr. David is less wimpy then his friend.  loving really.  ...  Mr. David, please describe your relationship with Mr. Dennis. loving finally! I've been waiting god drat hours. Except you don't do anything this entire examination. We've been a good friend since we were young. Who translated this? Then, you must have known that Mr. Dennis was dating Jessica. Of course. We used to get together a lot. I don't get it, is this in dispute or something? What about after Jessica became Miss USA? Did Mr. Dennis mention having any trouble with Jessica? No. Even though they were not able to spend as much time together after Jessica became Miss USA, but there was no trouble between them. So the prosecution just pulled that motive out of its rear end then? If so, the Public Prosecutor's argument that Jessica wanted to break up with Dennis is not true. Right. They seemed to love each other as much even after Jessica became Miss USA. Wait, but someone must be mistaken. Like, did Dennis just not hear about it? Your Honor! It is not true that Dennis killed Jessica because she refused to see him. That's all. What the gently caress. I have a few questions for the Attorney. (Is he agreeing with me?! What is he going to ask me?...I did go through the court records about the details...But, I can't remember them all...) Yes, it's actually a quiz on the court record. The location of the case could help us trace any characteristics or motivation behind this case. Where did this case happen? Answer my question. Missing it is pointless, so out of our three choices:
The Victim fell off the window from a hotel room. Yeah, smile for that, ya sick gently caress. Also, fell off the window? This happens twice more. The judge asks the name of the victim, Jessica, and what was the cause of death, suffocation. We have clarified the basic information about the case. Public Prosecutor, do you have further questions? Your Honor! The Attorney's witness David is giving false testimonies. Also, Defendant Dennis is lying about being home alone that day. I have a witness to prove this.  Your Honor. "I will beat the poo poo out of you if you don't agree with me." I ask to call another witness who witnessed this case.  I accept. Please call the witness. Thank you, Your Honor.  (Oh... No. I call Mr. Jack. who is the manager at the hotel where this case happened. (Crowd murmuring)...  Pictured: Obviously the bad guy.  ... Mr. Jack. Please tell us what you do. Yes. I am the manager at BOSTON Hotel. Then, you must know a lot about what happens at the hotel. Of course. Please tell us what you saw on the day this case happened. Please begin. You may begin your testimonies. It's like they're begging for this music. By the way, unlike Phoenix Wright, if you press at the wrong time, or if you press a statement twice, you get penalized. You have to press at exactly the right time. It's like every case is the end of Bridge to the Turnabout with none of the catharsis. I went up to the 8th floor.  I was delivering a room service. Hold it! Room service? Were you delivering a dinner?  Yes. A lady called from Room 803 and ordered a room service. For her dinner. And now I can present evidence. Present the dinner receipt. Mr. Jack! Don't lie! This evidence here tells me that you are lying in front of everybody in this court. The Victim already had dinner at a restaurant in the hotel around 6 o'clock that evening. There was no reason for her to order a dinner. Your Honor, the Witness is intentionally hiding the truth. Maybe she was hungry again. Maybe she ordered a salad? Mr. Jack. Please be truthful. "Or I'll have to ground you!"  BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH I swear to god if someone makes this my profile picture Oh! I am sorry. I was out of my mind since I witnessed the murder... It was not Room 803, but Room 804...I was trying to go to Room 804...Yes. I passed Room 803... Wow, it's a good thing we picked up that ledger that said that only Room 803 was occupied, which would be useless if Jack weren't such a lovely liar. But let's press first. Mr. Jack, are you trying to fool the court? How can you not remember who ordered the dinner? I am sorry. We take many orders in dinner time. And I witnessed a murder... So, I was out of my mind. I remember now that I was delivering to Room 804. Present the 8th Floor Sales Record. Mr. Jack!!! Are you going to keep lying? This evidence clearly shows that you are lying. BOSTON Hotel's sales records for that day shows that Room 803 was the only room that was occupied on the 8th floor that day. The hotel made special arrangements for Jessica because she was a celebrity. So she gets the whole loving floor? Are you going to keep lying when there is clear evidence? Mr. Jack. Please do not give false testimonies and be clear. Oh, I keep going out of my mind... ... Out of my mind ... BAD GUY ALERT I had to go to Room 408 on the 4th floor instead of the 8th floor. I think I was crazy for a moment. I pressed the button for the 8th floor by mistake...  I checked the time on the elevator and it was 7 o'clock.  And then, I pressed 8 by mistake. I got confused and forgot whether it was 408 or 804. This has happened to me. Yes, that's right. I checked the time and pressed 8 instead of 4. It was a mistake. Wouldn't you have pressed 7? Speaking of pressing... Mr. Jack, I will ask you again. Are you sure you went up to the 8th floor just because you got confused? Yes, I remember it clearly now. I apologize, but I did see the Defendant coming out of Room 803. Please clearly explain what happened. Please keep testifying. I saw a man coming out of the room and thought that he was suspicious. Suspicious... The door was open, so I looked in through the gap. ... Through the gap... The window was open and the bed... The bed was messed up. It hit me that something must have happened... Like, maybe a couple had sex? Are you a peeping Tom, Jack? So, I went in. I looked out the window and there was a woman on the ground. A woman... I was surprised and shocked. I didn't know what to do. What to do... I did try to find a phone. But the phone must have been broken. We'll question this, because our evidence shows only one person used the phone, and it wasn't him. Didn't catch that? That's because the evidence only updated once you went into court with no indication this happened. The phone was broken? Yes, I am sure it was broken. I tried to push the button, Now present the Fingerprints on the Phone. Your Honor, the Witness is giving false testimonies. I have critical evidence. We analyzed the fingerprints on the phone that was in Room 803, but there was no fingerprint of anyone besides Victim Jessica. The Witness never even touched the phone and he is lying that he tried to use the phone. Your Honor!!! Please be wise to punish this ruthless criminal who keeps on lying and frames and innocent person to conceal his criminal act.  Attorney, don't you think you are overreacting? Every manager in the hotel is required to wear white gloves. It is obvious that my fingerprints are not on the phone. I was wearing gloves. drat you, dress code! Oops... I missed that... How embarassing... I Please continue testifying. Is this appropriate yet? I looked down the windows. A woman was lying on the ground and she was wounded around her neck. A woman... was lying... Press this. I'm so glad I'm almost done. That is nonsense? I don't know, is it? You were on the 8th floor. You can't even tell whether it is a man or a woman from the 8th floor. How could you see the wounds on her neck? You are certainly lying. If the jury did anything in this game, then there would be enough for reasonable doubt, easy. No, no. I mean... A belt was in the hotel room... Hey, he name dropped the murder weapon, which even the police didn't find! This man is either the worst liar or best detective ever. Press. What are you talking about? There was no belt in the hotel room. There was a rope in the room. You are making this up to conceal your criminal act. No! What do you know? That was a belt! Finally, present the rope. I knew it! I was waiting for you to say that! You! You are the murderer! That rope is worn by women as a belt, but you can't tell that it's a belt just by looking at it. What the gently caress?! THIS is our case cracker? You know that rope was a belt because you are the murderer! In other words, you intruded into the Victim's room, quarreled with her for some reason, assaulted her, undid her belt to choke her to death, and threw her body out the window to get rid of the evidence! Based on the evidence, I am certain that the Witness is the murderer. I will rely on your wise judgment, Your Honor. This doesn't follow! None of this follows! What! How dare you! What do you know?! I will kill you! You XXX! I will kill you! The XXX is clearly meant to be the word bitch, but was censored for some reason. I'm not joking:  Saying you'll kill someone at a murder trial? Way to dew yourself in, kid. The Witness is dismissed from the court. Please give your closing arguments. The Prosecution halfassedly reiterates its points. Then Victoria's beautiful closing, which plays if you tell Dennis to turn himself in, thus writing continuity errors into the script: As it has been clarified by the testimonies, Defendant Dennis and Victim Jessica were still in love even after Victim Jessica became Miss USA. This clarifies that Dennis had no motivation to murder Jessica. Also, it was proven that the Public Prosecutor's Witness did not tell the truth about seeing Dennis at the hotel, so this accusation shall be denied. I rely on your wise judgment, Your Honor. The judge...judges us innocent. Hooray!  ... What a piece of poo poo.
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Jun 2, 2015 04:22
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I'm helping someone with his LP by editing what he writes since he's translating the game and English is not his native language, but he's a better translator than whoever did the translation for this game.
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Jun 2, 2015 04:50
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It's like Phoenix Wright's embarrassing uncle that no one wants to talk about.
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Jun 2, 2015 05:15
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At least Phoenix Wright didn't try to karate chop the witness every time he objected... Also what is up with those flashbacks shots? Did Jack bust out his magic crystal ball to testify?
Combat Lobster fucked around with this message at 07:51 on Jun 2, 2015 |
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Jun 2, 2015 07:36
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Combat Lobster posted:At least Phoenix Wright didn't try to karate chop the witness every time he objected... Also what is up with those flashbacks shots? Did Jack bust out his magic crystal ball to testify? Phoenix Wright knows that the desk is the real culprit. Man, a game like this made me respect the writing in Phoenix Wright even more than before.
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Jun 2, 2015 08:31
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Darth TNT posted:Phoenix Wright knows that the desk is the real culprit. Well at least Phoenix Wright makes sense in a way internally consistent with the setting.
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Jun 2, 2015 14:23
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Rigged Death Trap posted:Well at least Phoenix Wright makes sense in a way internally consistent with the setting. pretend I posted the "eat your hamburgers, apollo" awkward zombie comic here in response
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Jun 2, 2015 14:59
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 Single Woman Let's Player ♪ ♫ Dealing With This poo poo. Also, drat. I guess this is why there are so few clones of the PW games, it's so hard to make them feel worthwhile.
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Jun 2, 2015 16:48
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Combat Lobster posted:Also what is up with those flashbacks shots? Did Jack bust out his magic crystal ball to testify? That reminds me. There's two images we didn't get to see:  So his shirt switched from black to purple?  Stop in the name of love!
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Jun 2, 2015 17:05
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It also just hit me that this case is sort-of the first case from PW. Loser dude is in love with someone he should not be able to date. She dies, they blame the loser and someone who was stopping by at the time ends up killing them. Time is involved somehow? I can barely remember the plot to what I just read. 
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Jun 2, 2015 17:18
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SystemLogoff posted:It also just hit me that this case is sort-of the first case from PW. I think it's actually a bit of a combination of first two cases from first PW (the second case involves a hotel and a bellboy). I have to say I am not disappointed in the level of badness of this game. It quite literally makes no sense at all. And there's even a sequel, Beauty Lawyer Victoria 2! I guess Capcom didn't bother spending money on lawyers and C&D letters, since the game is so poo poo that there is no point. Does anybody know what's the original language, I'm curious.
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Jun 2, 2015 17:43
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The prosecution case is hilariously weak. I could (maybe) understand it if the hotel manager testified he had seen the boyfriend at the hotel arguing with Miss USA, or there was some other evidence tying him to the murder, but it seems like the prosecutor just said "lol look at this manlet, like Miss USA would want to date such a pathetic schlub", clearly he must be guilty your honor, boom! case closed.
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Jun 2, 2015 17:44
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I told you BLV wasn't worth playing
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Jun 2, 2015 18:57
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ivantod posted:Does anybody know what's the original language, I'm curious. The game is Korean in origin! Also, BLV2 is even dumber. I remember because my friend showed me.
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Jun 2, 2015 19:41
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BLV1 originated as a feature phone game, which is why it looks so ugly and has such low-res art. The sequel was designed for smartphones and looks better but is much worse
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Jun 2, 2015 20:14
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corn in the bible posted:BLV1 originated as a feature phone game, which is why it looks so ugly and has such low-res art. The sequel was designed for smartphones and looks better but is much worse Well, now I'm interested in the sequel too! I can only imagine how you get even worse than this.
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Jun 2, 2015 20:22
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corn in the bible posted:BLV1 originated as a feature phone game, which is why it looks so ugly and has such low-res art. The sequel was designed for smartphones and looks better but is much worse Much worse? How the hell is that possible when the original is already barely even a game to begin with! Would be nice to see the sequel if possible I think. 
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Jun 2, 2015 20:55
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^^^ Because the game starts like this:The Future??? posted:
You can vote for this if you want, just give me something I can record first. Transcribing that poo poo took hours and also there are four whole episodes to go through so give me a break
Gamesfreak13563 fucked around with this message at 22:19 on Jun 2, 2015 |
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Jun 2, 2015 22:08
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I still want to see the lovely Obama game yo
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Jun 3, 2015 00:17
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 I don't even know what to say about this game. It's not even a good mystery or...anything. My head hurts just trying to figure out how she 'cracked' the case in the first place. However I am interested in seeing the rest if you don't mind doing them. I can wait if you wanna try other games first, but man, I need to see how bad this gets.
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Jun 3, 2015 00:57
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