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a creepy colon posted:It's weird how all the 'nice' and 'sincere' posters from earlier are now turning against you simply because you choose to try and stay together for the kids. First of all, "staying together for the kids" is universally a terrible idea, particularly when the relationship is so completely over. Being weirdly evasive about the reality of the situation, and rejecting pretty much all advice the OP has made it clear he's really into the whole well experience. I keep hoping the OP will wake the gently caress up instead of just passively dreaming of some alternate reality but I'm pretty sure its going to get really loving real when she destroys him in court.
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Jun 13, 2015 22:55
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My parents stayed together for my sisters and I. It was loving hell for two decades. For God's sake, don't ever try to stick it out for your children.
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Jun 14, 2015 02:10
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Yeeeeah, please don't think you can get back together with her (or even should) just for the kids. It is not worth it and it's going to create an incredibly bad environment for them to grow up in. That said, do get a lawyer. You can contest a lot of the stuff she's thrown out there and you seem like you do care a lot for your kids, so it wouldn't do to lose them or to only have like two days a month with them.
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Jun 14, 2015 02:18
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Clocks posted:Yeeeeah, please don't think you can get back together with her (or even should) just for the kids. It is not worth it and it's going to create an incredibly bad environment for them to grow up in. I would never stay together for the kids. She would have to want to be with me and have therapy. Hell I need therapy. Is not going to be all happy fun time right away. Reconciliation might chine a year from now it might chine 10 years from now
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Jun 14, 2015 02:25
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r00tn00b posted:I would never stay together for the kids. She would have to want to be with me and have therapy. Hell I need therapy. Is not going to be all happy fun time right away. Reconciliation might chine a year from now it might chine 10 years from now It's chime. Is English your first language? Not being rude, but I think it would explain a little bit of the communication disconnect you seem to have with the thread.
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Jun 14, 2015 02:36
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something clever posted:It's chime. Is English your first language? Not being rude, but I think it would explain a little bit of the communication disconnect you seem to have with the thread.
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Jun 14, 2015 02:53
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r00tn00b posted:I would never stay together for the kids. She would have to want to be with me and have therapy. Hell I need therapy. Is not going to be all happy fun time right away. Reconciliation might chine a year from now it might chine 10 years from now Post an update in 10 years
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Jun 14, 2015 03:01
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MassaShowtime posted:Hes just dumb as a chine 
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Jun 14, 2015 03:30
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something clever posted:It's chime. Is English your first language? Not being rude, but I think it would explain a little bit of the communication disconnect you seem to have with the thread. It's my phone it corrected come to chime and I didn't notice. Thanks for pointing it out.
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Jun 14, 2015 04:15
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CravingSolace posted:My parents stayed together for my sisters and I. It's a pretty universal opinion that "stay together for the kids" is loving terrible because even young children can pick up on the hostility and tension between the parents and it fucks with their emotional development.
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Jun 14, 2015 06:50
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Here's what you should do OP: 1. Get a loving lawyer. 2. Disable the auto-correct on your phone.
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Jun 14, 2015 15:54
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3. Get divorced
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Jun 14, 2015 16:16
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Bill Pullman posted:3. Get divorced That's unfair, everyone's situation is different I guess. But holding out hope that something might change in 10 years is a great way to live an unfulfilling life. She doesn't have your interests at heart at all. The sooner you put your happiness (including saving your relationship with your kids) the better.
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Jun 14, 2015 17:15
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Omg guys. I spoke with a lawyer. With all the information in the protection order and the history of her leaving me with the kids and all that. There is no way for her to take my rights as a parent and 50% custody is the most likely outcome. He also thinks we can get the order dissolved so she can't hold that over my head any more. This lifts a great weight off my chest. I still will hope for reconciliation. But at least now I know I will likely get my kids.
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Jun 14, 2015 17:22
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r00tn00b posted:Omg guys. I spoke with a lawyer. With all the information in the protection order and the history of her leaving me with the kids and all that. There is no way for her to take my rights as a parent and 50% custody is the most likely outcome. This is good, congrats. Now keep listening to your lawyer and do what he says. Be realistic, your honest best outcome is getting a divorce and still getting your kids.
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Jun 14, 2015 17:34
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Error 404 posted:This is good, congrats. I'm aware of that. I really and truly am. But that won't stop me from keeping just a little hope that I can get my family back.
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Jun 14, 2015 17:46
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r00tn00b posted:I'm aware of that. I really and truly am. But that won't stop me from keeping just a little hope that I can get my family back. That's fine. Dumb, but fine. So long as that hope doesn't prevent you from doing what needs to be done to protect yourself and your kids. Namely, do what your lawyer tells you to do.
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Jun 14, 2015 19:21
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I would say you need to get used to the idea that your family is now "my kids and their mother who I am on amicable terms with" and find some happiness in that scenario because "my kids and their mother, my loving wife" is almost certainly over if, be honest with yourself, it ever really existed in the first place But its your life OP, namaste
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Jun 14, 2015 19:27
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Travis343 posted:I would say you need to get used to the idea that your family is now "my kids and their mother who I am on amicable terms with" and find some happiness in that scenario because "my kids and their mother, my loving wife" is almost certainly over if, be honest with yourself, it ever really existed in the first place We had a lot of good years together. Lots of happy memories. This last 6 months had been the poo poo part. I know it's not likely. But I just want to be happy. And right now happy is me. My kids and my wife as a family. The thought of that is what keeps me going. You might think I'm pathetic and by all means you cab think that. But you don't know the whole history and all the emotions of the last 8 years of my life. You know of this turmoil and is immediate effects. If we cannot be together I will accept that eventually when I'm ready to. I can't force it. I'll see a therapist and hang out with my kids. I'll do my best.
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Jun 14, 2015 19:34
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I dont think youre pathetic. That was out of line, sorry, I had no right to imply your marriage wasn't happy and loving. If she was behaving erratically I would say, maybe with therapy and help she could come around and be that loving wife you remember, but she's not actually behaving erratically, she's behaving very purposefully as someone who wants you the hell out of her life. For whatever reason, I don't know, but if at some point she comes around, I just hope you remember this time and this feeling and try not to get swept away by the allure of the happy family. I dont think its possible for 2 people to have an equitable, harmonious relationship after one person has so thoroughly tried to just utterly destroy the other. Good luck with whatever happens
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Jun 14, 2015 19:58
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Travis343 posted:I dont think youre pathetic. That was out of line, sorry, I had no right to imply your marriage wasn't happy and loving. You are right. I don't know either but I want to try. I don't want it to damage the kids and I'd want to go slow. Right now I'm worrying about getting my kids with me more than 4 days a month. After that I'll worry about trying to talk to her. Legaly.
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Jun 14, 2015 20:14
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Just had a phone call with my kids. It was nice. They are having lots of fun and looking forward to staying with me. So far I've used the excuse of work for their questions in why they just can't come over now. When my youngest son had then phone taken from him because he was told he was done talking it devastated me. He just threw a tantrum and cried and screamed and yelled because he wasn't done and he dosn't understand this at all and he is used to seeing me every day. There isn't a point to this post im just posting to talk about the moment. It made me into a crying baby because he loves me and misses me so much. Even while posting about it in emotional.
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Jun 14, 2015 22:25
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Sorry dude, that sounds awful. Hang in there, stay strong and get through this.
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Jun 14, 2015 22:49
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Bill Pullman posted:Sorry dude, that sounds awful. Hang in there, stay strong and get through this. Thank you. I have a really unhealthy addiction to talking to her, even now, when something cool happens or i read something funny i go to message her about it, i catch myself every time and stop. I just want things the way they were.
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Jun 15, 2015 06:39
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r00tn00b posted:Thank you. I had the same thing happen. It's like a phantom limb. It fades, don't worry.
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Jun 15, 2015 06:56
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r00tn00b posted:Thank you. It's rough, but you've got to realize that the 'her' you're imaging doesn't match the person she's chosen to be anymore. That may be a permanent thing. Find yourself someone to talk to, man, and let them take some of the load off your mind. It helps.
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Jun 15, 2015 09:53
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r00tn00b posted:Thank you. Welcome to the five stages of loss! So I imagine that the now very-public Facebook record of her being in another relationship literal days after this entire thing went down is only going to hurt her in court, right?
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Jun 15, 2015 15:39
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Fidelity isn't illegal. I would only think the judge's person opinion on that would matter
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Jun 15, 2015 17:09
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r00tn00b posted:Fidelity isn't illegal. I would only think the judge's person opinion on that would matter Dude it's a civil trial, not criminal. You're fighting for leverage over money and kids. Painting this as her fault is key so you can have the upper hand. There's poo poo at stake.
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Jun 15, 2015 17:16
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Liquid Communism posted:It's rough, but you've got to realize that the 'her' you're imaging doesn't match the person she's chosen to be anymore. That may be a permanent thing. I know she might never be the same again. She might never be the woman who I fell in love with. But I want to hold onto that hope for a while.
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Jun 15, 2015 17:25
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r00tn00b posted:I know she might never be the same again. She might never be the woman who I fell in love with. But I want to hold onto that hope for a while. You'll forever be haunted by the ghost of Chad Thundercock.
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Jun 15, 2015 17:28
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r00tn00b posted:I know she might never be the same again. She might never be the woman who I fell in love with. But I want to hold onto that hope for a while. Like I said before, that's all well and good, but don't do it at the expense of what you need to do now. Bring this poo poo to your lawyer, let him work to your advantage.
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Jun 15, 2015 17:29
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Error 404 posted:Like I said before, that's all well and good, but don't do it at the expense of what you need to do now. Bring this poo poo to your lawyer, let him work to your advantage. I am we have a meeting Thursday. I will do what I need to to get my kids. I'll fit to my death for them.
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Jun 15, 2015 18:03
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I was having a read here http://courts.oregon.gov/OJD/OSCA/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/pages/fl_divorce.aspx to see if there was any reason why she might have lured you to Oregon before trying to break it off with you. You apparently have no-fault divorces there, although there seems to be a six months waiting period from when you move into the state to when they'll let you divorce. It doesn't look to me like there is any sneaky law there that can screw you over, it all looks pretty reasonable actually and is an interesting read in easy to understand language. It's been hard reading this thread, its really obvious how much this has hurt you and how much it's still hurting. People have been telling you to lawyer up, and you have which is great, but I'm worried what's going to happen to you if you're left alone to stew on this with no one to talk to or help you emotionally process whats happening. I hope you've got friends you can lean on or maybe see if you have access to a therapist through work to help you in the short term? I don't think you're wrong to remember the good times because it will be important when you're with your kids, they'll pick up on how you are and it will have a lasting effect on them. A therapist could probably help coach you on how to make this as easy on your kids as possible, too.
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Jun 15, 2015 18:08
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Stoca Zola posted:I was having a read here http://courts.oregon.gov/OJD/OSCA/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/pages/fl_divorce.aspx to see if there was any reason why she might have lured you to Oregon before trying to break it off with you. You apparently have no-fault divorces there, although there seems to be a six months waiting period from when you move into the state to when they'll let you divorce. It doesn't look to me like there is any sneaky law there that can screw you over, it all looks pretty reasonable actually and is an interesting read in easy to understand language. It's been hard reading this thread, its really obvious how much this has hurt you and how much it's still hurting. People have been telling you to lawyer up, and you have which is great, but I'm worried what's going to happen to you if you're left alone to stew on this with no one to talk to or help you emotionally process whats happening. I hope you've got friends you can lean on or maybe see if you have access to a therapist through work to help you in the short term? I don't think you're wrong to remember the good times because it will be important when you're with your kids, they'll pick up on how you are and it will have a lasting effect on them. A therapist could probably help coach you on how to make this as easy on your kids as possible, too. I have reached out to a few places for assistance with therapy. I'm waiting to hear back.
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Jun 15, 2015 18:20
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Good deal. Make sure to follow up. This helped me a lot early on.
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Jun 15, 2015 20:36
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Bill Pullman posted:Good deal. Make sure to follow up. This helped me a lot early on. Therapy starts tomorrow. I look forward to this a lot.
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Jun 16, 2015 04:14
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How long have you lived in Oregon? Unless you have lived there for 6+ months then the divorce can not go through, but you can get a legal separation and then go back for the divorce after 6 months.quote:What if I just moved to Oregon?
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Jun 16, 2015 14:52
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kicktd posted:How long have you lived in Oregon? Unless you have lived there for 6+ months then the divorce can not go through, but you can get a legal separation and then go back for the divorce after 6 months. A week. So we have some time before divorce
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Jun 16, 2015 19:44
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Might be more relevant how long she has been there. Hate to suggest it, but that might be a chunk of why she was interested in living out there while you took care of things back home for a stretch. Build up evidence of a separation and establish residency.
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Jun 17, 2015 04:36
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