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 Hello folks. My name is Espilae, and I am a carebear. No, put down the pitchfork, not like one of those creepy animated bears devoted to love and kindness, I mean in the GAMING sense. I've played many games in my life, mostly RPGs with heavy focus on story. I love hand-crafted worlds with their own interesting stories, and often see any gameplay as a barrier to experience said story - a system to slog through that gives me little or no enjoyment. I'm the kind of schmuck that always plays on easiest difficulty even in notoriously easy games. I'm the kind of dickhead who has even resorted to cheating a few times to experience the story at the expense of gameplay. I'm the kind of arsehole who looks at ASCII graphics and can barely keep it together while his brain melts into a puddle of hashes and ampersands. I'm the kind of wanker who gets attached to his characters and easily frustrated at the slightest difficulty or impediment to progress. I'm exactly the kind of person who should not be playing roguelikes. So, I'm going to play some, completely BLIND. There will be carnage, there will be screaming and frustration, there will probably be threats of mortal injury leveled at not just the people who designed said game but everyone who gave them their cup of coffee in the morning or cuts their grass. It's hopefully going to be entertaining, even if it isn't particularly entertaining for ME. Why am I doing this? Well, I've been reading some great LPs in the awesome Roguelike LP Megathread (go there if you like to see roguelikes played by sensible people who actually know what the gently caress they're doing) and I suddenly realized I actually haven't played a roguelike, ever. The words 'procedurally generated', 'permadeath' and 'unforgiving' in game descriptions tend to scare me the gently caress away normally, so I guess it's natural. Anyway, some rules: No spoilers, ever. It'll be more fun that way, even if it means life or death (and it probably will). Maybe something will gently caress up and I'll need an explanation on why, in which case I'll ask, but I'm just going to blunder in blind and see how long I last. You CAN give vague advice - and I mean like 'That might not be a good idea' or 'Maybe you should put some skill points in Dildo Repair', not 'Here's a detailed map of the gently caress Temple and you should definitely kill the Grognard of Doom BEFORE the Everloving Swishypants Lord else you might get cursed', etc. Also, it doesn't have to be necessarily good advice, you could deliberately gently caress me over, in which case gently caress you very much in advance. Okay, let's get to the trainwreck. My first game, suggested by members of the megathread, will be Nethack 4, which I have no to very little knowledge of. I get the feeling this is a bad idea.  NETHACK 4: Run 1, Level 1 - I may have overlooked a key detail here NETHACK 4: Run 2, Level 1 - This goddamn dog is the worst NETHACK 4: Run 2, Level 2 - The clue is in the name you moron NETHACK 4: Run 2, Level 3 - I blame NETHACK 4: Run 2, Level 4 - Leprecunt NETHACK 4: Run 2, Levels 5-6 - FLASH, aah ah Autisanal Cheese fucked around with this message at 05:48 on Jun 19, 2015 |
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Jun 14, 2015 03:20
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NETHACK 4: Run 1, Level 1 - I may have overlooked a key detail here So I asked for suggestions in the megathread and one that came up again and again was Nethack, specifically Nethack 4. Now I'm not an idiot (although the very existence of this thread makes that claim harder to defend than Charlie Manson), even a roguelike-illiterate like me has HEARD of this game and its infamous difficulty, but it can't be that bad starting out, right? Maybe I'll clear a few levels then make a stupid mistake or something, I dunno. So, here goes.  Right, well this looks fairly straightforward. I am allergic to ASCII though - just reading Dwarf Fortress LPs gives me a nosebleed - and I heard there were tilesets available for this version. Let's check the options, I'm sure it won't be that difficult to fi-  Christ Almighty, what the gently caress do all these do? I'm not even in the loving game yet and already I'm confused. Okay, scroll down.  There we go, tileset. I don't know if any of these are any good, let's just pick the first one, DawnLike, and get the gently caress to the carnage already. Main menu, new game please.  Well, this seems like something I can completely leave to chance. I don't know what the gently caress I'm doing anyway. And I know what y and n means, but what the gently caress is q? Nevermind, I'll just pick y. Yes, do your worst, Mr. Random Character Picker.  I guess I asked for it. A neutral gnome Cavewoman. Is Cavewoman a class in this game instead of a demographic? Do I get a sweet dinosaur mount or at least a loving sabretooth pet? Or am I just going to be a poorly-educated knuckle-dragger with poor hygiene? In which case I have the perfect name.  Right, Roseanne. Let's do this thing.  Oh look, flavour text and a semblance of a storyline, I wasn't expecting this. So I'm a Troglodyte cavewoman thing and some goddess named after a Warren Beatty film wants me to go into the underworld to get an amulet. Why she can't get off her own dusty rear end and do it is never explained in these type of situations, but it's best not to get into a theological argument with a game on the first goddamn screen, so let's move on.  Well, thank you for the welcome, although to be honest I'm not that pleased to be here. Also there's a dog or something here, I hope to gently caress he's my pet cos that's a bit rude attacking me with a monster in the first goddamn turn. Also there appears to be no exits. Maybe I'm standing on one, I'll just move.  Wait, what? Wield? I just wanted to move up. Oh, gently caress, of course this thing won't use WASD like any sensible game. But while I'm thinking of it, maybe I'll check my inventory to see if the game gives me anything to start off with. I hope to Jesus it's the i key but knowing these type of ancient layouts for all I know it's CTRL + F9 or some loving thing-  Okay, it is i. A club, a sling - plus modifiers on both, that's unexpected, some uncursed armor (I assume that's a good thing), lots of ammo. Right, let's kill poo poo.  Arrow keys work, good. My dog is apparently named Slasher and I have displaced him, I hope that wasn't painful for either of us. There's some stairs here with an arrow, I can't go anywhere else so I'll go in here.  Uh, what key is it? After a minute of button mashing I've discovered the help screen, now I can find an operate key or some poo poo.  GodDAMNIT. All right, I found the down key.  What do you mean I can't go down here? It's STAIRS, isn't it? Or maybe I'm meant to go up?  Well that's nice for them, I wish I had some money, though I also wish I could get out of this motherfucking room.  Okay, up key found. Let's go up to the dungeon maybe? Maybe as a cavewoman I actually start from below or something?  Uh, yes, pretty sure. Why are you warning me?  Uh, yes? What will that do?  I already knew that.  Maybe? Actually I have a bad feeling about this, why is it suddenly telling me this shi-  Wait, FINAL attributes? I survived, past tense? Oh gently caress, have I accidentally lost already?  Voluntary!? I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO DO ANY OF THESE THINGS YOU loving PIECE OF poo poo  DO YOU WANT TO SEE A BREAKDOWN OF YOUR FACE  Welp, goodbye Roseanne, you loving coward. But what the gently caress was I supposed to do? Is that a bug? I expected to die quite easily but not that way. Goddamnit. You don't loving deserve it, since you ran away like a bitch, but I shall immortalize your cowardice in song, as I shall every character who dies because of these loving unreasonable games. Now, where to begin.. Ah yes. Roseanne You don't have to walk up the wrong flight Those days are over You don't have to give up without a fight Roseanne You don't have to displace that dog tonight Hear that guy counting money You don't care if it's leftarrow or if it's right Roseanne You don't have to walk up the wrong flight Roseanne You don't have to walk up the wrong flight Roseanne (walk up the wrong flight) Roseanne (walk up the wrong flight) Roseanne (walk up the wrong flight) Roseanne (walk up the wrong flight) Roseanne (walk up the wrong flight) NEXT TIME: I actually get to play the game! Also if any of you could explain if that was actually supposed to happen, a room with no exits or that was a bug or some poo poo, that would be nice. Autisanal Cheese fucked around with this message at 00:16 on Jun 16, 2015 |
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Jun 14, 2015 03:20
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HACKNET 4: Run 2, Level 1 - This goddamn dog is the worst All right, let's try this again, shall we? I have been reliably informed that that last run was not bugged, I am clearly just a moron. This does not come to any surprise to me as it is a fact I am reminded of daily. With that in mind, I fire up the ole random character generator and land on...  Human male ranger. Oh good, I like firing arrows into things, and there's only one Ranger in these parts worth the name, and that's..  I know the Underworld ain't exactly Texas and there's no real chance of a cameo appearance by an AIDS-ridden Haley Joel Osment, but maybe I will kick some serious rear end.  A quest, suspiciously like the one given to Roseanne by Ishtar, but now it's Venus doing the asking, and she's clearly plagiarized from Ishtar's book too. She always was a lazy cow.  Oh good, a room with doors, this should be much easier. And I have a dog again!  A chest, eh? Let's open it. Uh, or I would if I knew how. Maybe o for open?  What do you mean, 'in what direction', you fool? Up, or out, or someth- JUST OPEN ALREADY  loving hell, I'm going to have to look at the help menu again aren't I, and it's wonderfully intuitive isn't it  Yep. Anyway, 'apply' looks like what I'm looking for, and that's a. Simple enough apparently.  Apparently again I am wrong. Do I want to apply comma, or question mark-asterisk? gently caress it, I'll just mash them all until I get a result, loving 1980s key scheme bastardry  And the loving thing is locked. Well, this is off to a good start. Let's see what else is in the room and hopefully I can pick that up.  Get out of my way, dog.  Nice, a short sword. But, looking at my inventory I already have a lot of sweet gear. I'll just pick this up to save it for later, and apparently that's achieved by utilizing the comma button.  Right, next is a bag thing over here.  Food is always good, though I don't really see a hunger meter.  Okay, out the door into the next place.  JESUS CHRIST DOG GET OUT OF THE WAY, I'm trying to dungeon crawl here  Jackpot! Some money and what looks like a necklace, hopefully non-hostile but you never know in this bloody game.  Let's pick it up. Doesn't say what it does, except it's triangular. Very helpful. I'll just put this on then, maybe it'll tell me then.  Doesn't say anything.. maybe take it off and put it on again and watch for effects?  Apparently trusty old Sirius uses that opportunity to pick up my gold. Bad dog, BAD DOG! He drops it when I put the amulet back on, which is weird and I don't understand.  I kick the dog out of the way, grab the cash myself and head into the next room and there's a thing in front of me I am hoping is not a savage monster which will devour my cloaca.  I find out how to examine things.  It's a statue of a newt, how lovely. I wonder what the newt did to become so honoured, maybe it invented strawberry jam or something. Maybe I'll know more if I touch it.  Nope. Well, I don't know what the gently caress to do with it so I'll just leave it the gently caress alone.  Off into the next hallway I guess, unless I see some-  What the gently caress is THAT?  A sewer rat. Hopefully it's easy to kill. I then remember I'm a ranger and find out how to equip my bow.  No I don't want to write on the floor with the loving thing, I want to SHOOT WITH IT  There we go. Er, now how do I shoot it?  Uh, arrows?  Wait, did I just unequip arrows? gently caress.  Oh, the correct answer is c. I'll leave the blessed arrows alone, they're probably good against undead or some poo poo, this is a rat.  There we go.  loving hell I'm a poor shot. I just notice my dexterity is 10 - er, that probably isn't terribly good for arrow shooting but whatever. Fire again!  motherfucker FIRE THE ARROWS  Finally, and I even one-shot him! These arrows must be good poo poo.  Doesn't look like I get any loot except this corpse, can I do anything with it?  Apparently I can eat it, but let's get some info first.  Oh great, looks like it's a crapshoot whether or not this will make me sick or even kill me depending on what corpse it is. I think I'll give this rat a miss since it does say sewer rat, that might be what we like to call a clue.  gently caress that noise, let's move on.  *whistle* Picking up my arrows, doo-de-doo..  What the - Sirius, did you just eat that rat? It's your funeral, and no if you die I will not be holding any loving funerals for you unless you learn how to not be in my goddamn way every ten seconds  Uh oh. Someone has the ability to open a door. I hope it's friendly.  Yikes, what is that ugly red thing?  A goblin. Well, hopefully this corridor is straight...  It is! I am a GOOD SHOT.  And I get a nice hat out of the deal, it's made of iron and everything.  Plus one, too, although that might mean gently caress all in the scheme of things for all I know. Still, it's my lucky day!  Stairs!  And yes I checked these were stairs going DOWN, I won't fall for the same loving thing twice. Hopefully.  I'll come back for them though, I want to know if I can find anything else on this level worth having/murdering.  Here's something worth murdering, before it murders me.  I want to back the gently caress up though, it's a zombie and I don't want to catch anything.. even sounds like a sensible decision, that's unusual for me  YES I AM GOOD AT ARROWSHOOT  Right, I'll leave the corpse and go over here to see if I missed anything.  Ooh some kind of lizard, what is it  A newt. I could have probably predicted that.  I don't like those kinds of noises.  Let me back up a bit and kill this lizard.  gently caress. Let's try again.  Goddamnit I shouldn't have opened my mouth before should I  Finally.  Well, maybe I can eat this corpse? It is a lizard after all and they can be tasty in my experience (don't ask, it was at a crocodile farm and I was drunk)  Terrible, but hopefully not mortally terrible.  Another one!  Maybe I'm learning?  Sirius if you don't get out of my way I swear to God I'll eat you next  Okay, off to the next part.  A bare room. Sucks.  A boulder! Maybe I can push it?  I can, but I don't know what that achieved.  More loving noises.  DOG I WILL MURDER YOU  Oh money.  Oh poo poo.  Let's hope they're not too buff. Maybe I can use Sirius as a canine shield. (Shut up dog, you know you deserve it)  Goddamn it Sirius, you never miss *me*  Ouch! But that didn't hurt too badly, I'll just keep firing.  Christ dog what exactly are you good for again?  Good, and about time too.  Gems! I don't like the sound of 'yellowish brown' though, especially considering they came out of jackals. Gallstones aren't technically gems, are they?  I get them anyway cos who knows, they might be valuable if I can find a shop in this hellhole.  I could even throw them, or write with them (seriously, what would I even write anyway)  All right, back to the staircase.  Rats! Let's kill these assholes before we go.  Got one, now the other...  Bugger it, I can't be arsed to chase after him, I'm off to the next level.  I might just throw this dog down the stairs first just to be safe though. (You're really pushing it, furball.)  Oh, it's chasing me but too bad, I'm here already! Now, onto the next level, I'm sure it won't be too dangerous, I'm destroying poo poo with my arrow skill now, I should be fine for a little while, shouldn't I? NEXT TIME: No, I shouldn't. Autisanal Cheese fucked around with this message at 00:31 on Jun 16, 2015 |
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Jun 14, 2015 08:29
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NETHACK 4: Run 2, Level 2 - The clue is in the name you moron  All right. When we last left our intrepid hero, he was about to descend a staircase. Let's do so, and AH gently caress  What, you couldn't at least have waited until I loving caught my breath at the bottom, you bastard?  Have an arrow! And another!  Good. Prick.  Yay, some cash. And a monster in the distance!  Wait, telepathy? I just noticed this. I'm a human ranger, do they come with telepathy?  Ohh, maybe it's what this amulet does. Let's test it.  Yep, definitely.  I'm going to hang on to this motherfucker then, less nasty surprises walking around corridors.  Now, on to the killing. Hopefully I'm the one doing the killing and not that loving fox.  Well, I pushed a boulder for a while but I'm not getting any closer to it. Wait, where the gently caress is Sirius?  Still upstairs. Here boy!  No, over here.  Here, the stairs. Jesus Christ you poo poo me sometimes, dog.  Down the stairs.. and still no loving dog. But the fox has apparently found us.  Right, whatever, I'm shooting it.  Goddamn frisky fox, going all diagonal on me. Well, apparently I can move diagonal and also shoot diagonal, so let's try that. I don't have a numpad on this laptop though, but maybe the page down near the arrow keys would wo-  OW gently caress. Southeast!? No, NORTHeast you ancient interface piece of poo poo! Let me look up 'vi-keys' a second then, apparently they will work too. Apparently u is northeast.  OUCH. Well, at least I'm firing in the right direction. F for fire, and U for northeast.  And F U to you too, bitey little poo poo.  Now let's pick up my arrows and find this dog.  Why is it that normally I can't go anywhere without stepping the gently caress on you, but as soon as I want you to follow you're off sniffing the loving walls?  Finally. Maybe this time it'll work.  Good. Now stay close, we're going to gently caress poo poo up.  Maybe not that close, goddamn it. Hey a room.  Pretty boring room, let's blow this joint.  Those on the left there must be closed doors, let's go through this no-door hole.  Another room, and another strange loving thing I need to examine before it murders me.  A lichen. That's a plant, right?  Well it doesn't seem to be moving, but I'm not taking any chances in this goddamn game. FIRE!  gently caress YEAH LEVEL TWO MOTHERFUCKERS, ALL FROM KILLING A WEED  Well, all it dropped was a corpse, I wonder if it's any use.  Maybe as a food, it's under 'comestibles' in the inventory menu, but I can't remember if that newt corpse was. Oh well, you should always eat your vegetables, right?  Well, I can't imagine growing on the dungeon floor and being pissed and shat on by murderous foxes and god knows what else did much for its flavour.  Let's go through this door.  Uh, dead end, apparently. Let's try this other one.  Also a dead end. Weird loving design on this level.  Okay, back over here now.  Well, thank you very much sir, I try my best. That's a weird loving message, all I've been doing is killing poo poo with my dog, and if that's a healthy lifestyle, certain parts of America should be loving swole as poo poo by now.  Just checking that the dog is still following me, it disappeared for a second there and I have no idea where to.  I don't know if that means that Sirius just marked his territory or it's something I should be concerned about, but I'll find out in a minute.  Well, gently caress that door then.  gently caress you too, Sirius.  I mean really, gently caress YOU.  Oh look, a newt, they were pretty easy to kill before.  Must be in this room here, but first let's push this rock.  Well, I didn't get very far with that one at all. Let's try the door.  loving locked. This is why I normally play rogues in RPGs, to avoid poo poo like this. Maybe I can kick it down, I found out I can kick things.  YEAH, TAKE THAT YOU WOODEN FUCKER! But did it actually do anything?  The answer to that question is no, gently caress it. Let's try this one over here.  gently caress.  Okay, nobody panic, this one is a completely reasonable door that is not loving locked for no loving reason.  And it just leads out here anyway.  Let's just follow this hallway and see what happens.  Another goddamn fox, behind a closed door thankfully.  It has a friend! They will die together shortly.  But they can keep in that room until I find the end of this goddamn hallway.  Ah gently caress, a diagonal step. Uh, if northeast is u, then northwest should be t, right?  Uh, apparently not. Shut up I don't want to throw anything, except maybe this goddamn dog.  There we go, it's y. Stupid ancient key system thing.  YOU ARE TRYING MY PATIENCE WITH THESE LOCKS, GAME  I have a good feeling about this door.  Apparently the destruction of this door and anyone who made the door and its loving lock constitutes a 'good feeling'.  Finally.  Oh look, my two favourite things - stairs and cash.  Let's pick up the cash and then check on our new animal friends.  What do you mean, 'resists'? Doors don't have feelings, just open up, motherfucker.  What is this, the 'doors who hate Esp' level?  I should have kicked the loving thing, but I guess persistence pays off.  Before I deal with the cunts in the next room, let's check out this sink, maybe it has stuff in it.  I just need to figure out what loving key to use.  Goddamnit.  More with this 'in what direction' poo poo. Down? I have to loot downwards in a sink?  gently caress it, let's just kill these assholes.  Hello sir, I'm a door-to-door arrow salesman. Would you like a free sample?  I think I'm starting to enjoy this game.  Er, wait a minute. Why are there two staircases? Are there just two different entrances to the same floor or different floors? Whatever, let's just keep exploring.  The gently caress is that green thing?  A gas spore. Sounds dangerous, let's shoot it.  GODDAMN IT DOG NOW I CAN'T SEE THE loving THING  Where'd it go?  And now there's something else over there, looks like a bat.  Maybe the gas thing went upstairs? Well, good luck to it.  Oh god it's back, KILL IT KILL IT  MotherFUCKER JESUS CHRIST FIRE THE ARROWS  God-loving-damnit. I suppose the clue's in the name 'gas spore'. God I'm an idiot, but at least it didn't kill me all the way.  Maybe I can walk it off, and if I see another one of those bastards I'm shooting it immediately in the face, if it even has a face.  And now my tummy's rumbling, apparently that lichen lunch didn't really do much.  Luckily I have some food on me, though I don't like the sound of 'cram rations'. Is cram a food, or a verb in that word?  Let's just eat a normal brand ration.  Good, that didn't kill me. I think that that is probably the closest you get to a success in a roguelike, that something perfectly innocuous DIDN'T end up slaughtering you horribly.  I wonder who keeps leaving all these goddamn rocks around.  I hope there was nothing good at the end of that tunnel.  Now, how do I get to that room over there? There must be another way.  Maybe I need to diagonal walk in one of those dead ends or something, because that sounds like something perfectly natural to do.  Nope, didn't work there.  Okay, over here now.  I couldn't move anywhere in that hallway before, now why can I? Weird.  Time to die, lizard.  gently caress YEAH I'm now a Lookout, whatever that means. And I've apparently recovered fully from that gas spore debacle, thank gently caress for that.  Well that doesn't sound too terribly good. Maybe it's a baby, though even if it is in this dungeon it's probably adorably cute and impossibly deadly.  Urgh, what's that white thing?  A gecko. Arrows at the ready.  Yay, killed the thing but what the gently caress is this poo poo? Oh, I accidentally pressed x, which is apparently the change weapon button. Sweet.  Back to arrow time, but good to know I can dagger at will too.  Okay. Two staircases. Looks like I have a choice to make. And you're going to help me choose! I leave my easily-startled, easily-frustrated carebear self in your guided hands, roguelike goons. Should I go for the fat staircase or the skinny staircase? I don't know what difference it'll make, but you do. Hopefully it won't kill me immediately but going by my first descent I'm now very loving worried. Voting closes soon, so make them choices! NEXT TIME: Fat or skinny? Probably hosed either way tbh Autisanal Cheese fucked around with this message at 00:48 on Jun 16, 2015 |
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Jun 15, 2015 02:03
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Jedit posted:Espilae, is it OK to tell you what cram rations are? I've never played Nethack, but it's not game-related - at least not beyond things already in your screenies. It's all right, I remembered what cram is, I've read The Hobbit, and I imagine it's just a crappy version of a ration, at least that's what it sounds like.
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Jun 15, 2015 08:57
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All right, voting closed - skinny stairs wins! I shall be going down them shortly, and if I die it's your fault and not due to my stupidity or overwhelming ineptitude whatsoever. I've also resized the images, hopefully they're easier to read now, though my main worry originally was making them too small to figure out what the gently caress is going on in them. Regarding hints - advice is fine so long as it's not too complex and spoilery, and basic controls is probably not a spoiler so thank you all for helping me out in that regard. If you want to talk spoilers and laugh about how I could have nearly died from something I didn't know about, do it in the Roguelike LP megathread after I post the link there. Okay, now to the dying...
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Jun 16, 2015 01:07
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NETHACK 4: Run 2, Level 3 - I blame Linus Torvalds  Oh god, I don't know what that means but I don't like the sound of it. Is my dog going to turn into a werewolf and bite my balls off in the very first loving turn of this update or something?  Whatever. That locked door is bothering me so let's see if I can open it or find another way to it and I think there's a bit of hallway I haven't explored.  FOX I WILL ARROW YOU IN THE BRAIN  Archery level: pro. I know it was point blank shut up  To celebrate, I think I'ma eat this bitch.  I wonder what wine goes with fox? Something tells me it comes out of a box.  Here's that other side of the door, which made this trip very pointless. Okay, on down the skinny staircase.  Okay, kill this white gecko, THEN staircase.  Right, let me get my arrow then we can gently caress off.  Ooh, a ring. Apparently I pick it up automatically.  Let's put it on, wonder if it's any good or not.  Is that it? Does it do anything?  Oh, sweet. More constitution is always handy, especially if it modifies hit points cos I have the feeling I'm gonna be losing a gently caress load of them very shortly.  Down the stairs we go.  Level three, and oh, a box. Let's open this son of a bitch-  WHAT WHY AM I OVER HERE  A teleport trap or something? Well, at least it didn't teleport me anywhere dangerous like, say, halfway in a wall or surrounded by death creatures of death.  Instead, I have found a room full of cash.  It occurs to me that Sirius has not followed me down the goddamn stairs yet again so I shall have to find him.  Luckily it's just a short walk over and there's no crap in the way, yet.  Wait, is that him over there? The gently caress is he doing all the way over there?  There you are boy, I've finally found yo-  THIS IS NOT MY DOG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DOG  Jesus gently caress I should learn to pay better attention, that and kill the artist of this tileset for not drawing GIANT loving RATS and dogs more different  You don't fool me this time, you rodent piece of poo poo.  I hope that's a good thing, aren't naiads meant to be poorly-clothed hot blue river mermaid type things? Although in this game they probably give you fantasy VD - Venus is my goddess after all.  But gently caress that noise, I need my dog. While I'm here, what the gently caress is this thing?  Can I turn it off? Let me consult the ever-so-helpful ingame documentation for an answer to this question.  Hmm, there is an untrap command. Let's use it.  Uh, nothing happened.  Bugger it, let's just kill this rat.  There we go, nice shot lined up and everything. FIRE!  Yay, now for dog time.  C'mere, Sirius, stop licking your gonads and help me kill poo poo.  Okay, let's go.  Whatever you do, don't touch that box, Sirius, it's bad. Now let's go off into this passage here, and-  YOU loving TOUCHED THE BOX NOW DIDN'T YOU  Oh good, you found your way back. I am tired of looking for you, dog.  A door into loving nothing.  And another. Well this was educational.  Back we go. Hey, let's try and find that naiad, get her phone number, go hang out, wash her car, carry a printer over to her house, get friendzoned and cry about it in E/N. That's how it's supposed to work, isn't it?  Or she might be swimming in a sink, which is gross and in which case gently caress her and her cool boyfriend.  Well, whatever, let's find something more interesting.  More interesting than a couple of loving rats, I mean.  Let's see if I can snipe them both from a distance.  This might take some maneuvering.  Diagonal arrow go! I think I have the hang of these keys.  Die, you fucker!  Goddamnit.  Eurgh, a spider, let's massacre it.  You just stay there behind me Sirius, I got this.  Diagonal arrow go!  WHAT NO NOT IN THAT loving DIRECTION YOU MOTHERFUCKING VI KEY PIECE OF poo poo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  Goddamn it.. I know I was mean to you, dog, and thought about breaking your tiny body into tiny pieces every time I had to step over you, but.. *sniff* loving ancient key system, I never loving liked those keys. THIS IS ALL LINUS TORVALDS' FAULT  A hollow victory.  gently caress off you rat, I don't have time for this. You need to die.  DIE SO MY DOG CAN LIVE AGAIN YOU RAT oval office  About time too. Eurgh, what is that eye thing? Let's just ignore that for now and see what's in here.  The fourth level staircase, by the looks of things. *sniff* Poor Sirius, I won't be able to herd him into any more staircases... actually this is a good thing  Now let's cream this eye thing and think of better days.  Disgusting AND generically named. It must die.  Let's move on, I hate this corridor now.  gently caress you too, gecko.  What's that?  Oh, a fountain. I don't see any naiads though, but this is a good thing probably.  Apparently I can drink from it, but I have to look up how. Ah, here's drink.  Well that was a waste of time. Pity there's no '#piss' command or I'd show this thing what for.  More exploration is required.  Let's murder this green thing.  Shot lined up, and...  Bam. Oh poo poo, a gnome? I hope it was a bad gnome.  I wonder what gnome tastes like?  loving heavy anyway.  Get in my belly, that way I don't have to carry you. I'm sure that makes perfect scientific sense somehow.  Apparently gnome is an acquired taste.  gently caress this plant.  Anything else in this room?  Another plant, kill it  You should always eat your greens.  And kill your goblins.  Stop moving, dammit.  Now I have to pick up all these goddamn arrows.  Don't do this to me today door, I am not in the mood for your poo poo  OPEN THIS DOOR  Wooden piece of poo poo. What's that over there?  More food is good, if I ever run out of dungeon weed and hapless gnomes.  I think that's everything in this shithole..  Let's just double-check.  This looks like a friendly thing.  It's a hobbit! What can be more friendly than a hobbit? Let's say hello.  What's the talk button again? Is there a talk button?  AH poo poo NO NOT THAT loving BUTTON I wanted to talk to the hobbit, not bash her over the head with my loving bow!  Ow, she loving hurt me too. Whatever, she's dead now and I get her stuff.  I should bloody well hope so, that dagger shot was a bitch.  Well, at least I get the knife. I'm not eating her, it was an accident. Maybe later.  My favourite thing, a room full of cash and no monsters.  That's this level done I think.  Oh look, my old friend the newt.  Goodbye and gently caress off. Let's just check if this corridor over here is still useless.  Yep.  Oh god is this one of those gas spore loving things  No, just a red mold whatever that is.  It does not sound appetizing, I think I shall skip it.  Okay. Down to the next level we go. Poor Sirius, though... There are no words to describe my sadness right now, so I won't say any. Come over here Allan, yeah just park the keyboard over there. Hush now. Let my friend here do all the talking - with synth.. and love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOymHEdiPts
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Jun 16, 2015 08:02
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NETHACK 4: Run 2, Level 4 - Leprecunt  Fourth floor down, and someone has left a nugget of crap on the floor, it looks like.  Oh, sweet, score.  Let's just pick these babies up, we'll find out what they do later. I assume they're unidentified or something.  Hello, who's this?  Wow, he even has a name. Some kind of NPC questgiver?:  And what the gently caress is that next to him?  A mimic? Like a fake chest or something? Oh hey look, a shop! Dunno why this weirdo is set up in the basement of a dungeon but who cares.  Now let's consult the help file so we don't accidentally kill the son of a bitch. Looks like we just pick up what we want, then pay for it.  Weird unidentified scroll and a spellbook. I'm not a mage though so I won't be buying any, I dunno if it'll be of any use to me.  Ooh, identify, I will be getting one of those. And a scroll of YUM YUM? What, to make the disgusting chunks of monster I have to cram down my gullet to stave off hunger in this shithole taste better or something?  Well that was careless, you could have at least written something, like 'WE DONT KNOW WHAT THIS DOES EITHER GOOD LUCK rear end in a top hat"  More garbage, though I'll keep that light scroll in mind in case darkness becomes an issue, which is apparently something that will happen, gently caress.  Cool, another identify scroll.  More light scrolls, I could probably come back for them if I need them.  Just seeing if I can find any more identify scrolls.  Yes, I think that is well within my budget for this quarter. Wrap it up for me, will you?  *clink*  Wait, second-hand!?  And I'll take this one too.  Good, now I can figure out what kind of poo poo I have.  Well, I suppose I could have seen that coming, this is a rough neighbourhood to be a shopkeeper in.  Maybe I can sell some of my junk here?  Apparently not.  Enough shopping, let's spelunk.  Stairs already? That's some good luck, though I don't like the look of that green thing.  That hits the spot.  Now let's take a peek through here...  Huh, this level is pretty linear, which is actually a good thing for once.  This is less of a good thing, a gecko and something else.  A leprechaun? Maybe if he's rich enough we could save up for one of those scrolls for shits and giggles.  *knock knock* Hello, delivery for a Mr. Chaun?  FIRE!  You're not meant to dodge out of the way, this isn't how this works.  Oh dear. He's packing uranium.  Uranium that can apparently summon monsters. loving hell.  Goddamn it, more of them!?  Hopefully I can fire an arrow that will punch through this loving ant and perforate your lucky charm monster-summoning arsehole.  Screw you, ant.  I SAID SCREW YOU  KEEP FIRING  Well, at least that's something. I still have a room full of loving monsters to kill though.  And again!  Now it's your turn, you leprecunt.  I WIN  Mostly all the goddamn arrows I shot though.  Eurgh.  Sweet, I even got his wand.  I wonder if I can summon monsters with this thing now?  Well gently caress that idea then.  *sniff* He was a pain in the arse, but poor Sirius didn't even get a grave.  Screw you, lizard, I'm in the middle of honouring the dead here.  The return of door lockage.  I'll just walk around then.  Another goddamn ant, another goddamn gecko, and something else that needs death.  PUT DOWN MY ARROW GNOME LORD, PLUS TWO DOESN'T COME CHEAP YOU KNOW  Come back here!  Be sporting and give me a clear goddamn shot  Ow, gently caress.  There we go, and you better have some good poo poo.  Just die, gecko.  Darts and candles? Interesting but not exactly anything to write home about.  But I'll take what I can get in this loving place.  Er, hello there.  Yep, you're a big'un.  Getting a little sick of being chewed on by these arseholes.  And now for you, whatever you are.  A monkey? Jesus you're quick.  WHAT you didn't even steal anything good!  That's for a lack of ambition, you simian turd.  Uh, eating him may not have been a good idea.  Was I confused to begin with?  Iguana?  Kobold shaman? Both dead now, but that was a little surprising.  Let's continue.  What, the rotten monkey corpse wasn't good enough? Lucky I have this food still.  There we go. Now to give this mold the arse.  They don't appear to move too well..  Doesn't matter anyway.  More loving monkeys?  Oh, these are rothes. The gently caress are rothes?  Well they're dead now anyway.  Oh look, a vegetable.  HOW DID I MISS A STATIC TARGET  Thank god for that.  Jesus not another one of these pieces of poo poo, I can't take much more of this  At least he hasn't summoned a horde of monsters at me and is staying in a straight line.  Keep coming and you get more arrows.  How many goddamn hit points do you have?  Not enough.  Ooh, a key.  FINALLY something to get around those locked doors.  This has been a good level so far.  Not for long!  Oh yeah. Now to reap my reward.  A corridor.  A pointless loving corridor.  Why did they even bother to lock it?  This one's just as useless.  I wonder who that could be.  Now I can kill this monkey who thought he was safe behind a locked door.  First I need to get this crap I forgot over here though.  I'll take that and that.  AH you startled me, blue thing.  Arrow to the face!  Now to get this monkey.  Wait, when did I pick up this swirly potion? Maybe I better find out what it does before I drink it, and I can thanks to good ole Kilgarvan.  Eurgh. I wonder if I can pawn this off on some poor schmuck.  But first, the matter at hand.  Hello monkey, prepare to-  THAT IS MY FAVOURITE RING YOU ARSEHOLE  Yeah, good luck running away into a dead end, prick.  Trailblazer time!  That's better.  Now maybe I can sell some of this crap to Kilgarvan.  Another newt - maybe I should have smashed that statue - and a floaty eyeball thing.  And a vegetable that suddenly decides to grow here without my permission.  Teach you for blocking my passage, plant.  When will these things learn?  These things are really ugly and they need to die.  Good riddance.  Another potion!  Door into nothing, how delightful.  Pleasure to be back, Kilgarvan. Have some useless crap.  Uh, I don't mean to alarm you, friend, but one of your books is leaking.  Whatever, see if you like some of this crap.  This loving thing to start with.  Well, I don't blame you, it doesn't exactly sound appetizing.  But this is solid uranium! You can't beat quality like that.  Well gently caress you too, I hope someone takes all your poo poo.  Now let's continue on and hopefully find some other poor idiot to sell poo poo to. NEXT TIME: Oops. Oh yeah, and gently caress Bill Joy too then. Linus still has a lot of poo poo to answer for so he ain't getting off the hook, but Bill can cop it too I guess. Bastards.
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Jun 17, 2015 02:50
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Fat Samurai posted:Calling this as an elaborate troll by a roguelike savant Believe me, I loving wish. This game is going to give me a heart attack, as if I need any more encouragement in that department. Update soon.
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Jun 18, 2015 14:06
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NETHACK 4: Run 2, Levels 5-6 - FLASH, aah ah  Still a new moon and still something I should be probably worried about.  Well, that's one way to get my attention. Is that another shop?  It is, and full of more crap too! Also two mimics as well. I suppose this telepathy necklace really comes in handy. I wonder what happens if you buy one? No, I am not loving trying it.  A whole bunch of stuff including blindness potions, which seem to me to have no specific use except to severely gently caress me up, so I ain't buying that crap. That armor looks nice though.  Also a black gem which is WAY out of my price range.  Seems a reasonable price, though it doesn't say how much more protective it is. Bugger it, I'll just buy it.  There we go, and nice that I thought to take off my cloak BEFORE I put the armor on. Rookie fashion mistake avoided.  Let me get these boots too.  More food is nice. All right, let's see if we can unload some of this useless crap we've picked up on this poor hapless merchant with more money than brains.  Well, he is apparently starting a collection of these loving blindness potions, why not add to it?  This uranium monster-creating piece of poo poo fetches a nice price too.  That doesn't look like a guard to me, let's kill it.  A nymph? I hope it wasn't friendly to begin with. Whatever, she can carry her own loving printer.  She has a friend! She will also die.  She is also apparently quite fast.  So is this one, goddamnit.  Why the gently caress would you pick up an arrow if you don't have a bow to fire it back with, that's what I don't understand.  Thank god for that. Now just one more to hunt down.  THEY'RE USELESS TO YOU YOU STUPID COW  If you're so desperate for arrows, here's one straight through the brain.  I hope we don't have to step through it.  A hobgoblin briefly appeared then disappeared, let's go find it and fill it full of holes.  Out of my way, loving igneous motherfucker  Why are there giant rocks just lying around? It's not as if they serve any purpose. Well, that I know of. That's the loving problem.  Luckily I have levelled up in diagonalshoot.  Sweet.  Doors are no longer my enemy.  Scratch that, THEY ARE CUNTS  Money!  OPEN UP oval office  Squishy bugs to squish.  And a newt from the other direction, weird.  Hopefully they don't both catch me at the same time.  That newt can wait, I have rooms to explore and poo poo.  Cash and a book it looks like? The tile it's on is a bit weird though.  The cash was on a grave. Too bad, I'm walking here!  Oh, that's why the tile was weird, the book is lying right on the staircase.  Look who it is, my old pal the newt. You took your time, didn't you?  You came all the way over here just to run away again? Come back, arsehole.  Let that be a lesson to you. Fight like a real man - from a distance with arrows of death so they can't hit you.  What is this, some sort of rock level?  Where the hell did you two come from?  I wonder if I that corridor connects.  It does! Arrow time!  HOW MANY OF YOU ARE THERE CHRIST  Lots of these orcish bastards, thankfully they're easy to kill.  And they carry weird poo poo.  gently caress that gecko, too.  Let's pick up this dagger.  Why are they called hill orcs, anyway? There aren't any hills here.  Another weird potion.  OH FOR gently caress'S SAKE  Yes, sir, this is the arrow-in-the-face counter. If you all just form an orderly queue, I'll get to you each in a minute.  Wait your turn, sir, there's been a malfunction with the equipment, won't be much longer.  Thank you for your patience, sorry for the delay.  Pleasure doing business with you all. Turds.  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME  Did I accidentally miss an orc convention in another room or something?  And they've dropped a mountain of orcish poo poo, luckily I can sell it on this floor.  Hungry, but luckily I have plenty of grub on me.  "Take all this orcish poo poo, please, I'm sick of smelling like a poo poo sandwich."  gently caress that scroll and that mirror too, if I need them I'll just buy them back. Hopefully.  Still got plenty of crap unidentified, maybe I'll use that scroll later.  All of your friends are dead. Go join them.  Good, now let's move on-  Motherfucker, I can only carry so goddamn much you know.  Down here, I smell kobold.  It died pretty quick. This homunculus is next.  There was a lichen here, and it also dropped a food ration. Two for one!  Another lizard.  Stand still, I might need to repair my boots with your face.  Here you are, little homunculus.  Why the gently caress am I not hitting it, IT IS THERE IN FRONT OF ME THERE IS NO AIMING INVOLVED  About time. Now let's sell this extra crap (again).  Wait, what is that bright light thing?  YOU MOTHERFUCKER I CAN'T SEE poo poo gently caress this probably isn't good, I need to hide  poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo RUN RUN RUN  HOW DO I CLOSE THIS DOOR HELP  Hopefully those loving things can't grab a door handle. I don't know how hosed being blind makes me but I sure as hell wouldn't be able to fire a loving bow with NO GODDAMN EYESIGHT  Hopefully it goes back to normal, I just need to wait here in this shop full of my orcish poo poo.  Please don't open the door please don't open the door please don't open the door  YAY FOR OPPOSABLE THUMBS, MOTHERFUCKER  PRAISE THE LORD I CAN SEE AGAIN  Running around in a panic while blind is apparently terrific exercise.  REVENGE.  THIS WILL TEACH YOU FOR PICKING ON THE DISABLED, BASTARD  Where does this crap keep spawning from? Do monsters just keep spawning no matter if you've explored the whole level or not?  Bugger off, lizard.  I am healed and you are dead.  The gently caress is a rothe anyway.  I just need to kill this one then I'm out of this loving place.  Eww, jelly.  Surely a giant blob of moving blue crap isn't a hard target. What kind of Ranger are you?  Oh, I forgot, a Texas Ranger. Maybe I should have tried to roundhouse kick the loving thing  That should be the last of them.  DIE  Now THAT should be the last of them.  Finally. Let's move on, shall we?  More potions. I need a gently caress load more of identify scrolls, apparently.  That's nice, it treats a diagonal step as a gap you need to squeeze through. Less nice is that it's calling me fat.  What a boring lizard, it didn't even bother to come with a flavour like gecko or newt or iguana.  Let's eat it and wash it down with dungeon moss crap.  Haha, READ ME. Nice try. Probably a loving black hole spell or something.  This level's pretty straightforward, I keep hearing money counting though. Another shop?  OPEN THIS PORTAL AT ONCE  Oh, nice.  Okay, let's identify this one, I like the look of it.  Hey, looks like I can identify multiple items at once.  Ah, gently caress, no it doesn't. THEN WHY GIVE ME THE loving OPTION  Bugger it, I'm going to put it on. What's the worst that can happen?  Oh look, an arrow trap. Wait, now I can see traps? Sweeet.  Another fatshaming corridor.  Not today, rear end in a top hat.  See, this guy is a creative lizard.  Also a pain in my arse.  Like that door, gently caress that door.  Why do all doors hate me so?  Screw you for looking at me funny.  Hungry, and.. argh god what have I just put in my mouth  Whatever it was, it wore off pretty quick.  Well, that level was pretty short. Oh well, on we go.. NEXT TIME: Useless bitch.
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Jun 19, 2015 05:46
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| # ¿ May 15, 2024 00:31 |
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Apologies on the long time between updates, but I've just moved to Shanghai. Getting internet in my tiny yet expensive apartment will take a while longer, but in the meantime I'll play a bit more and get a good bunch of floors going, provided I don't die instantly from something dumb (this will likely be a thing).
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Jul 17, 2015 06:58
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