Wintermutant posted:

Email it to H.H if you have to, but that sounds like a story worth reading.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Hell, that would be worth a thread of it' own. I've got a bunch of them myself. Including one from the other night.

PureEvil6_13 posted:

I guess I could just do the thread over again? It was maybe 6 or 7 years ago. I don't have archives so I wouldn't just stone cold necromance the old thread I'd re-write it all.

Could I get a mod approval?

PureEvil6_13 posted:

I guess I could just do the thread over again? It was maybe 6 or 7 years ago. I don't have archives so I wouldn't just stone cold necromance the old thread I'd re-write it all.

Could I get a mod approval?

quote:

Nobody will believe this confession and that's fine, I just need to say it.

As a little kid walking to the bus stop, a fat guy in raggedy clothes ran up to me, looked me in the eyes, and said that he was me from the future. I didn't believe him and started yelling for help. He told me that things were going to start to change for the worse on my 29th birthday, then said my mom and dad's names, my birthday, and ran off. I was in tears because I thought a stranger was going to hurt me, and I never forgot his face. As he ran off he looked at me one more time and told me that he was sorry.

I have seen myself slowly become that man. The hair, the eyes, the scar on the chin, the slight acne scarring on the cheeks. I've become fat like he was, despite being rail thin as a kid. Thanks a lot, cushy office job and fast food.

My 29th birthday is on February 11th. I'm terrified of what's going to happen.

quote:

I stole hundreds of dollars worth of Lego when I was a teenager. I'd go to an empty corner of Toys"R"Us where there were no cameras, rip open the box, and shove the Lego bags in my pockets and underpants. Sometimes I'd walk into the store holding an empty bag, dump all the Lego bags in, and walk out. I don't know how I got away with doing this for 2 years.

The only time I felt bad was when I shoved a popular Lego Star Wars set into my pants (it was the last one left in the store) and then a few minutes later, I overheard a little boy tell his mom that somebody had ripped open the last box. He seemed really disappointed. His mom asked "Who would do such a thing?" in a disgusted voice.

Sorry kid.

loquacius posted:

Nobody will believe this confession and that's fine, I just need to say it.

As a little kid walking to the bus stop, a fat guy in raggedy clothes ran up to me, looked me in the eyes, and said that he was me from the future. I didn't believe him and started yelling for help. He told me that things were going to start to change for the worse on my 29th birthday, then said my mom and dad's names, my birthday, and ran off. I was in tears because I thought a stranger was going to hurt me, and I never forgot his face. As he ran off he looked at me one more time and told me that he was sorry.

I have seen myself slowly become that man. The hair, the eyes, the scar on the chin, the slight acne scarring on the cheeks. I've become fat like he was, despite being rail thin as a kid. Thanks a lot, cushy office job and fast food.

My 29th birthday is on February 11th. I'm terrified of what's going to happen.

bradzilla posted:

I saw Looper, too.

quote:

As a joke, a buddy and I simulated anal sex with each other. His roommate was coming home, and to prank him, we got under the sheets and pretended to be pounding away at each other. It was gonna be a "Lol you walked in on 2 guys having sex!" thing. To make it really hilarious and realistic we both got naked.

My confession is that while we were pretending I got erect and slipped it in my friend's rear end. He didn't protest so I just kept going, ultimately busting the most amazing nut I've ever busted in my life. His roommate had long since left the apartment at this point. After I finished my buddy says its his turn and did it to me. I didn't like this as much but he enjoyed it, and fair's fair.

I want to stress the fact that neither of us is gay, this just started as a prank and went too far. That said - can a straight guy enjoy having his penis in another man's rear end? I've always enjoyed anal - and I think an rear end is an rear end, whether male or female.

PureEvil6_13 posted:

Threads up boys, let's hear your poo poo

darth cookie posted:

Link it, you rear end in a top hat.

loquacius posted:

Nobody will believe this confession and that's fine, I just need to say it.

As a little kid walking to the bus stop, a fat guy in raggedy clothes ran up to me, looked me in the eyes, and said that he was me from the future. I didn't believe him and started yelling for help. He told me that things were going to start to change for the worse on my 29th birthday, then said my mom and dad's names, my birthday, and ran off. I was in tears because I thought a stranger was going to hurt me, and I never forgot his face. As he ran off he looked at me one more time and told me that he was sorry.

I have seen myself slowly become that man. The hair, the eyes, the scar on the chin, the slight acne scarring on the cheeks. I've become fat like he was, despite being rail thin as a kid. Thanks a lot, cushy office job and fast food.

My 29th birthday is on February 11th. I'm terrified of what's going to happen.

Aralan posted:

You're going to discover time travel, but it only worked to send you back twenty years with no way back. There you discovered you had no marketable skills and a social security number that belongs to a 9 year old

quote:

For 8 years, I have recorded every instance of a woman getting naked for me on Skype, without their knowledge of course. The second their top comes off, I sneakily hit the record button on my screen capture program.

None of these women were cam girls, nor did I pay them. I'd typically meet them off Omegle video chat, and in one instance, even from SomethingAwful (she had GREAT tits but asked me to be her "internet boyfriend" and then I immediately bailed). I would build trust with them, talking to them for days, and then slowly ease them into taking off their top. Although usually I could get them to show tits in a matter of hours. It's basically just manipulation disguised as charm. I have seen some of the greatest titties of my life from all around the world. It's a fun and satisfying hobby for me.

My folder is about 50gb at this point. Hundreds of videos, featuring around 80 women. I'm proud of my collection. I would never share it with anyone. I get turned on by the fact these videos are all mine, forever.

I don't think I should feel bad about this. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong since I'm keeping these videos to myself.

quote:

Years ago, I was at a bar with a buddy trying to pick up women. I started chatting with a girl who was very pretty, but was also extremely drunk. As we talked, she started really slurring her words and trailing off mid sentence. My friend and I asked around to see if she had any friends - but she had apparently come alone. We then asked her where she lived so we could call her a cab. She barely slurred out an address and the bartender called the taxi company for us. We waited for an hour and no cab came (this isn't a big metro area, it's kind of the boondocks), and she was starting to pass out.

We decided then to drive her home.

I was driving, she was in the passenger seat to hopefully point out her house, and my buddy sat behind me. It was about 2 am at this point, and the roads were slick with the heavy rain that had been coming down for hours. I drove for a bit, then stopped at a 4 way intersection, waiting for the light to change. It turned green and I looked carefully in both directions before pressing the gas.

Almost instantly, I felt the bizarre sensation of my car going sideways. A drunk driver with his lights off had blown through that intersection at about 90 mph and smashed into my passenger side. We finally stopped moving and I slowly got out of the car. I was scratched up, bruised, my chest hurt where the airbag deployed, and I was bleeding from the head, arms, and neck. My buddy was about the same.

Then I went to grab the girl, and knew right away she was dead. Her neck was bent oddly to the side, just a little bit too far one way. Her right arm was broken and the bone was poking out. And there was a lot of blood pooling in her seat and practically pouring onto the floor. I looked over and the drunk driver was definitely dead. His entire upper half had been forced through the windshield. A ragged piece of metal that looked like it was from my car was sticking through his neck and had been coated with his blood.

There were no sirens yet. It was late, we were in the middle of nowhere, and nothing was open. So my friend and I did something that will haunt us forever. I'm not sure which of us suggested it, but we decided to pick the girl up and put her in the other car. Neither of us wanted to be involved, neither of us wanted this to negatively affect our lives.

And so the official story we told the cops was that we were driving home, just the 2 of us, when the accident happened as otherwise described. I sliced myself up with some glass to make my cuts worse and make it believable that there'd be so much blood in the passenger seat.

The guy was dead, so he never faced any real penalty. Except his wife and three kids were pretty shocked to find out that their husband and father was an adulterer on top of being a drunk. I still can't drive at night when it rains, it freaks me out too much. Too many bad memories.

I'll probably confess this on my death bed, although I don't know what good it will do.

loquacius posted:

There were no sirens yet. It was late, we were in the middle of nowhere, and nothing was open. So my friend and I did something that will haunt us forever. I'm not sure which of us suggested it, but we decided to pick the girl up and put her in the other car. Neither of us wanted to be involved, neither of us wanted this to negatively affect our lives.

And so the official story we told the cops was that we were driving home, just the 2 of us, when the accident happened as otherwise described. I sliced myself up with some glass to make my cuts worse and make it believable that there'd be so much blood in the passenger seat.

The guy was dead, so he never faced any real penalty. Except his wife and three kids were pretty shocked to find out that their husband and father was an adulterer on top of being a drunk. I still can't drive at night when it rains, it freaks me out too much. Too many bad memories.

I'll probably confess this on my death bed, although I don't know what good it will do.

Minarchist posted:

See now that's a good confession. Fake or not it's crazy but plausible.

Cowman posted:

dude you drove drunk in the heavy rain

loquacius posted:

He didn't say he was drunk to begin with and then he spent an hour waiting for a cab, seems ok to me

loquacius posted:

I quite enjoyed reading it but saying so seemed insensitive

Wurzag posted:

Also why did they even need to put her in the other car anyway, what was the point?

quote:

I was put in charge of this huge project at work. I'm talking multi million dollar investment, dozens of people working on it, and we were expected to show a positive return on investment.

I must confess - I never did a single thing for this whole project. I never even scheduled a call and as far as I know, no actual work was done. But I got an award for how much money it saved the company. I gave a presentation on it and just recycled the presentation my boss gave me when he assigned this thing to me. He had a slide with "Estimated Savings" and I just slightly increased the numbers and called it "Actual Savings". I got a standing ovation.

quote:

I'm a fat neckbearded SA stereotype. I have sleep apnea due to my weight, haven't seen my penis in around 2 years, and just smoke weed and play video games.

I'm also a former pop music star who made millions in the 90s and blew it all on hookers, drugs, and keeping up appearances. I keep hoping for an "ironic" revival like New Kids or BSB, but in my current shape I doubt any girls would scream my name any more.

The only thing that saved me from complete self-destruction is my financial advisor got me to invest in Google before it got big, so I've got enough money to live frugally but comfortably for the rest of my life.

quote:

After high school my parents kicked me out of the house, I had no money, no job, no friends, no future prospects, and an addiction to meth.

For 3 months I lived in a man's house without his knowledge. While he was living there.

He had a big garage attached to his house, and I saw he left it open a lot while he did yard work. I finally got the balls to sneak in there, and hid in his basement all day. The next day he woke up for work and left the house. I slept on his couch, ate some of his food (just enough that he'd never notice), used his shower, and then hid in the basement and slept there at night.

After a week I got gutsy enough to try other things. I used his laptop to look for jobs online. I used his razor, tooth brush, and a pair of scissors to clean myself up. I took some of his clothes that looked like they'd fit.

I ended up getting a job as a bag boy at a grocery store. As soon as I got my first paycheck I "moved out" into a men's shelter, and eventually got my life on track.

I drove past that house a while back but nobody lives there any more.

quote:

My penis is so large I can't have sex with any women. This is a living hell.

I'm in a long term relationship and my girlfriend cannot have sex with me without it hurting her and coating our bed with blood from tearing her up. We can't even do oral because my penis is too big to even fit in her mouth. Girth I mean, I won't even discuss length. She gave me a free pass once to have sex with another girl, and out of desperation I tried it. The hotel room looked like a murder scene after just two thrusts. Needless to say, it ended terribly.

I can't even masturbate really, because when I get fully erect I get light headed and lose the ability to really stimulate myself. On top of that I need to use both hands and my arms aren't long enough to reach the head of my penis.

I consider suicide a lot. Penis reduction surgery exists but I saw a doctor and he said due to my unique condition, I had a high risk of death during the surgery.

H.H posted:

H.H posted:

Penis

Putty posted:

i don't think people rob banks anymore come to think of it

H.H posted:

Donkey dong

quote:

After Donald Trump made those "ban all Muslims" comments I figured he was gonna be dead in the polls. Instead I log onto facebook and find dozens of my friends have liked it and posted things like "Would you eat 10 grapes if you knew one was poison?!?!?" A girl I was close friends with in high school said "We are at war with Islam and need it wiped from the Earth". Holy loving poo poo.

I also realize now that the media is purposely driving this kind of insanity because it equals ratings for the dying cable networks and their websites.

I'm also starting to believe that Trump is a joke candidate that was paid by the democratic party to sink the Republican party and ensure at least 4 more years of a Democratic President. But it backfired because it turns out a lot of people are even dumber than you'd imagine.

quote:

I found out several weeks ago that my wife of 5 years has been cheating on me for nearly our entire marriage. The guy in question was her best friend for years, and I was told many times that there was never any attraction. How dumb I was.

I have yet to let her know that I know. We have a big Christmas Eve party every year at our house. Both of them are invited, along with her family, my family, and a whole lot of our mutual friends. I have a Christmas slideshow planned once everyone arrives and has had some food to eat, and I've loaded all the photos the P.I. took into the powerpoint presentation.

Merry Christmas