- H.H
- Oct 24, 2006
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August is the Cruelest Month
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quote:As a teenager I suffered from severe depression and formed a strong bond with the character Garfield and his outlook. Its sad but reading garfield anthologies obsessively was the only thing that made me feel normal and it eventually took on something of an erotic fixation.
To avoid feeling like a sicko I drew pictures of garfield with a womans(Think Pamela anderson circa 1991) body and garfields head, so that I was assured that my fixation wasn't with animals or repressed homosexuality. This garfield/pam hybrid still had the same biting wit and acerbic outlook and tended to cut herself in self loathing while wolfing down a lasagna to fill the void after sleeping with drawings of a much more handsome and muscular version of myself. These drawings eventually evolved into erotic fanfiction starring garfield and myself (In my head Garfield still has a womans body but someone reading the stories would think Im having sex with regular Garfield.) I killed off Jon in a jealous rage, I didn't touch Odie, I enjoy his companionship and don't mind if he watches.
The stories are your pretty basic wish fulfillment stuff, balanced with self loathing rants. I've been doing this near daily for years and I have a substantial amount of writing in a folder I keep buried in 8 different folders.
My girlfriend stumbled across them by accident when they came up in a search and is pretty freaked out. How can I show her I'm just a normal guy with a weird outlet for my psychological problems and not some kind of sicko?
Here is a small sample so you get the picture.
I looked at her as she lay on the floor crying, my satisfied cock dripped droplets of life juice on her toes, flaccid yet still distended, looking satisfied like a man who has just run a mile and is rewarding himself with a slice of pie.
She reached for the knife as she always did and sliced into her familiar wound, mumbling 'i hate you, i hate you'. Its your own worthless soul you hate, god hates us all and thats why he laughs, he created the world to laugh at our pain, now eat up! I kicked her in the stomach incapacitating her and as she doubled over forced a pan of lasagna down her stupid throat, she coughed most of it up but I made her lick up every last drop as she cried the tears of an empty soul I found my cock get hard from her pain and went for her ***, rubbing her blood gushing forearm into her stupid face.
Odie looked at me with a look of fear mingled with hatred but he new not to interfere, and I could tell by his doggie hardon that he didn't truly mind, she would suck him off later he knew for my amusement. I made her suck many people off, to gain friends in the community but mostly to humiliate her and destroy any self esteem she had left.
quote:I got accused of rape once.
I hooked up with a girl at a party. We were in some bedroom going at it, however we could't get the lights to turn off and people kept barging into the room by mistake so the sex wasn't exactly wonderful. I usually have trouble reaching orgasm when I'm with a girl I haven't been with before, but in this situation it was night impossible.
So, being an intelligent 18 year old I did what anyone would, I halted mid-sex, got up, got dressed, quietly left the party and went home.
Apparently she had fled downstairs crying to all her friends that I raped her. Thankfully nobody believed her, as half the party had already barged into the room and witnessed our awkward sex.
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Jun 17, 2015 11:19
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 15, 2024 18:46
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- Rush Limbo
- Sep 5, 2005
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its with a full house
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Lmao if the Garfield one is true you gotta put that folder of fan fiction somewhere it's gold.
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Jun 17, 2015 11:44
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- Tired Moritz
- Mar 25, 2012
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wish Lowtax would get tired of YOUR POSTS
(n o i c e)
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I watch porn and jerk off way too much, like for 1-2 hours a day on average.
only 1-2 hrs? weak
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Jun 17, 2015 11:48
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- Rush Limbo
- Sep 5, 2005
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its with a full house
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Also Garfield guy just talk to her. It really is amazing how many of these anonymous confessions can be solved by talking to someone about them.
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Jun 17, 2015 12:23
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- H.H
- Oct 24, 2006
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August is the Cruelest Month
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quote:Wayne Gretzky was the most consistently unfunny shitposter to ever grace these dumb gay forums with his presence. Someone finally loving said it.
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Jun 17, 2015 15:14
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- Zzulu
- May 15, 2009
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(â°ËvËâ°)
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When I'm single i like to jerk offa lot
also when im not single
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Jun 17, 2015 15:25
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- H.H
- Oct 24, 2006
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August is the Cruelest Month
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quote:Tomorrow marks the 4-year anniversary of the absolute best blowjob I've ever received. It was in my car, late at night, from a friend that I had sort of been flirting with. I was starting to be in a relationship at the time, but I didn't care about that, since I really found my friend attractive (and she also found me attractive) and we had fooled around before. The reason I remember the date is because I was in town for a sort-of friend's wedding, and I was staying at my parents house.
This is usually not a big deal, except for the fact that no blowjob or orgasm in general has ever even come (heh) close to that one, not even any with the girl I'm currently seeing and am very serious with. I love my current SO to the ends of the earth, but jesus loving christ, that blowjob from my friend was by far the best. She and I sort of still talk, and she's married now. I don't bring this stuff up ever, because why would I? I know nothing like this will ever happen between her and I (or between my and anyone other than my SO, I'm loyal now), but I still think about it if I ever want to get off really quickly, since it's the hottest memory I have.
And just so people don't think I only received, I went down on her, despite the lack of space. She tasted wonderfully and I loved giving.
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Jun 17, 2015 15:35
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- Roy
- Sep 24, 2007
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She tasted wonderfully and I loved giving.
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Jun 17, 2015 16:52
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- turbomoose
- Nov 29, 2008
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Playing the banjo can be a relaxing activity and create lifelong friendships!
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I have pages of things I made when I was a kid hidden in my closet somewhere but instead of gross fanfic they're just mazes drawn on graph paper
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Jun 17, 2015 17:22
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- H.H
- Oct 24, 2006
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August is the Cruelest Month
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quote:I posted in Windows 98's old thread, but it closed before I could prove my identity.
I am Glenn Jacobs, aka WWE's Kane.
I post on SA in the Book Barn, the wrestling forum (which has a hilarious new name), and a few other sub forums. I believe I am the only goon in the WWE, although many of my co-workers would fit in really well. John Cena has a deep-seated love of anime, and keeps trying to get me to watch fist of the north star with him. Big E is obsessed with internet memes. Randy Orton hates women - but he's a handsome, fit guy so he's been married twice (to women that have deep seated mental issues, though, which is why it doesn't last).
If this gets posted I will prove I am really Kane (and by extension, an SA Goon) on WWE Raw next week (the 6/22/15 episode).
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Jun 17, 2015 17:43
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- sout
- Apr 24, 2014
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I posted in Windows 98's old thread, but it closed before I could prove my identity.
I am Glenn Jacobs, aka WWE's Kane.
I post on SA in the Book Barn, the wrestling forum (which has a hilarious new name), and a few other sub forums. I believe I am the only goon in the WWE, although many of my co-workers would fit in really well. John Cena has a deep-seated love of anime, and keeps trying to get me to watch fist of the north star with him. Big E is obsessed with internet memes. Randy Orton hates women - but he's a handsome, fit guy so he's been married twice (to women that have deep seated mental issues, though, which is why it doesn't last).
If this gets posted I will prove I am really Kane (and by extension, an SA Goon) on WWE Raw next week (the 6/22/15 episode).
He better just say "im gay" 
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Jun 17, 2015 17:44
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- Rush Limbo
- Sep 5, 2005
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its with a full house
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I want to believe. Kane, what's your favourite book?
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Jun 17, 2015 17:47
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- H.H
- Oct 24, 2006
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August is the Cruelest Month
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quote:Hello, this is Glenn Jacobs, better known as Kane (sometimes known as "that old guy that shouldn't be in wwe anymore" according to some guys online lol)
I want to respond to a couple of posts in the thread, and share a little more info.
Sout - No chance of that - WWE is anal (no pun intended) about any kind of off-the-script stuff. The only time I could improv was a few years back tag-teaming with Daniel Bryan (fyi, that was the most fun I've had in wrestling since about 1997, and I hope you all enjoyed it too!)
Ddraig - Fiction - I love the Hunger Games, go ahead and make fun. As noted in the previous thread, I wore a Mockingjay pin on my bag and caught no end of poo poo for it. Believe it or not, I don't really read any horror stuff. Nonfiction - goons will string me up for this, but Atlas Shrugged. I understand the things discussed in the book aren't for everyone, but I live a very different life than the average person and the book really speaks to me.
I enjoy the forums for the same reason - they really speak to me and they give me a chance to feel some sort of companionship. I am on the road so much, my coworkers are all competing with me for TV and PPV time so there are a very few I consider real friends (and most of those retired, I still miss hanging out with Edge), and in real life I cannot do anything without being recognized. Here I am just an anonymous goon posting stuff like "lol, that guy got owned" or the new hotness "cuck".
In return - let me share a funny story. I am currently wrestling as a heel (wrestling term for bad guy), and since about January, I have been one of the most hated people in WWE by a loud portion of the fans online. They say I'm stale, boring, etc. Side note - I take full responsibility for my ring work being slow now, but I can't help the storylines they give me. I had an idea for tag-teaming with Adam Rose that was shot down (I wanted it to play the straight-man to his flamboyant actions, and it would eventually lead to stuff like me teaching him to shoot fire, and Adam getting me to wear a top hat to the ring). I'm also trying to get a storyline written where Eva Marie realizes the only way she can compete in WWE is to become the "Female Kane". I like the goofy stories that let me take on a mentorship role, but I can't argue with my boss.
Anyway - I'm leaving the show one night and a kid about 10 years old runs up to me and says "Hey Kane, is Daniel Bryan going to be okay? I know you are a bad guy now but I hope you are still friends with him." Well, I about starting crying right there, this was so sweet and the kid had no idea wrestling was fake. He had none of the bitterness a lot of fans have nowadays. So I say to him "Kid, Bryan is going to be fine. In fact, you can talk to him right now."
Bryan is one of about 3 guys who I consider a friend on the roster, so I call him and let him know there's a kid who's worried about him. I put Bryan on speaker phone.
"Hey, thanks for worrying about me but I'm going to be back before you know it! But listen, I need you to do something for me that's really important. You need to tell Kane that he still owes me 20 dollars, and that you'll beat him up if he doesn't get it to me by this weekend!"
The kid was so happy, that about made his year.
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Jun 17, 2015 18:28
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- H.H
- Oct 24, 2006
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August is the Cruelest Month
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quote:I managed to steal a few hundred dollars from a former employer because of their antiquated records and POS systems. My justification was that I was living paycheck to paycheck and really needed the money.
Basically if a customer had a credit on account it was stored under their customer code (which was a 6 digit number and easy to remember). Credits were generated for selling merchandise to the store or returning something outside of the acceptable window of time.
If you knew the manager's code (which everyone did because management was lazy and would give it out to everyone that needed it) and the customer's code you could basically create a gift certificate, pay for it with the customer's store credit (approved by the manager's code) and pocket the cash. At the end of the night the sales numbers matched up with the drawer count so there was never any suspicion that money was missing.
This was back in 2000 at a high volume store in a line of work where people would regularly walk in with a roll of cash to buy what they needed. The drawers were pretty stuffed at the end of a shift. Cameras were located back in the stockrooms and in the office where the safe was, but nothing at the registers. I can't imagine this ever working today.
My guilt comes not from the petty larceny, moreso from ripping off strangers. I would be pretty loving pissed if I had a few hundred dollars in store credit, went to buy something with it and found that it had mysteriously disappeared. I only used the money for rent, food, and gas. It didn't go towards entertainment (and I couldn't afford any vices). I have since learned a trade, applied myself and am now comfortably middle-class, but at the time things were definitely dicey.
No excuse, still a dick move.
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Jun 17, 2015 18:40
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- Pimpcasso
- Mar 13, 2002
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VOLS BITCH
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hello kane i live in knoxville dont you sell insurance and eat hot wings for a living now
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Jun 17, 2015 18:44
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- H.H
- Oct 24, 2006
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August is the Cruelest Month
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quote:I took a dump on a children's swing when I was in high school, only to have said dump fall into my jeans and get squished. I had an awkward ride with my buddy to the local Burger King where I had to clean up and throw away anything I could.
Another time when I was 12 or so I took a piss down the children's slide at the local park. A young kid slid down it like 5 minutes later and their whole shirt was yellow.
Another time at the same slide above I took a dump down the slide and it was like a brick. We came back the next day and it was still there hanging out at the bottom of the slide.
Put sani-huts in public parks gd it.
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Jun 17, 2015 18:54
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- H.H
- Oct 24, 2006
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August is the Cruelest Month
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quote:So a few years ago I got banned from Something Awful and, after registering again, decided just to go back to lurking (and eventually not even reading much). I used to be well known in a "That loving guy? He's terrible," way in the subforums I posted in. Now I'm mostly forgotten, and I only really log on to skim threads for updates on niche subjects I'm interested in.
At the time I ate the ban, I was your typical goon: vaguely but non-clinically depressed, overly invested in inconsequential bullshit while pretending ironic detachment, and fuelled by feelings of deep-seated unworthiness that made it a psychological necessity to laugh at the problems of others. I was a deeply unhappy person, looking back, but not aware of it.
What's interesting is that, after I stopped posting and removed myself from the community, things started to improve. I gradually began to feel better about myself, stopped being so cynical, and ended up using the vast amount of time I used to spend posting to instead do volunteer work for an activism group (from my computer, at first). One thing led to another, and I've gone from being a nobody loser hanging around an internet forum to being very highly placed within a nationally well-known political party, with influence over the entire party's internal structure and personal sway with almost all of its key figures. I'm now able to directly influence the future of my country in a measurable way. It's neat.
While I'm sure there's people who just hang around Something Awful to laugh at the drama, I know the vast majority of posters take it more seriously than they can comfortably admit (hey FYAD, looking at you). If you're in that latter group, do something else with your time. Anything at all. Pick something you care about, and go get involved. You'll have a happier life if you actually live it, rather than bitch about other people's lives on the internet.
Alternatively, carry on with the general "lol im gay cuck tane death is certain life is meaningless" bullshit. I'm sure you'll have fun.
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Jun 17, 2015 19:10
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- old beast lunatic
- Nov 3, 2004
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by Hand Knit
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I might watch some wrastlin' for the first time in like 20 years, want to see a dude in the ring on TV yell something about stairs.
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Jun 17, 2015 19:43
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- Fluffy Bunnies
- Jan 10, 2009
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If that dude really is Kane I hope he knows he's going to start a cascading nightmare of thread posts in PSP that are basically "im kane" with terrible photoshops.
So basically? Well done. Here's hoping you get to retire with a full set of joints intact because I approve of making PSP do silly stuff.
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Jun 17, 2015 20:00
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- a retard
- Jan 7, 2013
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by Lowtax
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hey kane, do you post in d&d by any chance? browsing it i get the impression that if you're to the right of jimmy carter, that if you don't get probated, you get dogpiled on relentlessly until you decide gently caress it, and never return
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Jun 17, 2015 20:44
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- Black Baby Goku
- Apr 2, 2011
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by Nyc_Tattoo
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Kane, please give a shout out to me on raw, thanks
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Jun 17, 2015 20:53
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- Shiki Dan
- Oct 27, 2010
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If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine
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Hey Kane, even if you're not a big anime fan go ahead and watch Fist of the North Star w/ John Cena. It owns.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjj5XejutCE
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Jun 17, 2015 20:53
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- hubris.height
- Jan 6, 2005
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Pork Pro
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I'm going to believe that it's real and Kane is a bonafide Goon.
You own Kane, please do something funny on RAW to show your goonyness.
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Jun 17, 2015 20:54
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- Moridin920
- Nov 15, 2007
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by FactsAreUseless
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lmao at the goon whose life ambition is for his wife to die so he makes 24k a year
probably more along the lines of hope she dies so she can stop suffering and he can go be depressed and not work but okay
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Jun 17, 2015 21:37
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- Zzulu
- May 15, 2009
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(â°ËvËâ°)
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I invented true A.I long ago and even built it a primitive body but instead of sharing it with the world I do really depraved sex stuff to it in my basement
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Jun 17, 2015 21:41
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- Rush Limbo
- Sep 5, 2005
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its with a full house
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Kane say you cucked someone on the stairs.
There can be no doubt that way.
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Jun 17, 2015 21:55
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- A Bad King
- Jul 17, 2009
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Suppose the oil man,
He comes to town.
And you don't lay money down.
Yet Mr. King,
He killed the thread
The other day.
Well I wonder.
Who's gonna go to Hell?
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Yeah. Uh. Iraq was hell.
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Jun 17, 2015 22:29
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- Shnag
- Dec 8, 2010
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"I'll be whatever I wanna do!"
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If Kane really is a goon, I predict he will strut out with a henchman on each side of him and say something like "These goons will do something awful to you John Cena!" He isnt going to say something really weird and out of place.
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Jun 17, 2015 22:50
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- old beast lunatic
- Nov 3, 2004
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by Hand Knit
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If Kane really is a goon, I predict he will strut out with a henchman on each side of him and say something like "These goons will do something awful to you John Cena!" He isnt going to say something really weird and out of place.
this would still kind of own.
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Jun 17, 2015 22:52
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 15, 2024 18:46
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Jun 17, 2015 11:19
You should volunteer with ptsd-wracked and disabled vets. They tell you the most horrifying things and you get to see their eyes go dead and blank. It's cool what they got paid almost nothing to live through. Yay, america.
