Ddraig posted:

HERE COMES KANE AND I'M GOING TO DUMP YOU DOWN INTO HELL

That's still his gimmick, right?

H.H posted:

quote:

So a few years ago I got banned from Something Awful and, after registering again, decided just to go back to lurking (and eventually not even reading much). I used to be well known in a "That loving guy? He's terrible," way in the subforums I posted in. Now I'm mostly forgotten, and I only really log on to skim threads for updates on niche subjects I'm interested in.

...

While I'm sure there's people who just hang around Something Awful to laugh at the drama, I know the vast majority of posters take it more seriously than they can comfortably admit (hey FYAD, looking at you). If you're in that latter group, do something else with your time. Anything at all. Pick something you care about, and go get involved. You'll have a happier life if you actually live it, rather than bitch about other people's lives on the internet.

...

H.H posted:

quote:

When I was little (like age 6 or 8) my parents took me to a sandcastle building competition at the beach and I was totally seized with envy watching these pros while I couldn't make a wet pile of sand stand up. So when a sculptor wasn't looking I kicked a small flag atop a castle turret back into powder and stormed off. Nobody saw me and I never told anyone but I still feel like a shitheel for it 20+ years later. I hope it wasn't hard or time-consuming for the sculptor to fix.

quote:

I am perfectly normal in 99% of daily life, but have one weird obsession that is slowly starting to affect my life. I freaking love anonymous sex. "Okay" you say "That's not THAT weird."

The problem is I am 28 years old, male, recently married, and about to become the general manager of my father's auto dealership. My face will be on TV commercials, I am a pretty big deal in our small community. My wife has no idea about any of this, but she's dumb as hell and I only married her because I have a fetish for ditzy airheads and she fits it to a T.

My anonymous sex is purely for that fetish. I go to the sleaziest, most backwoods bars and dives you can. Hell, sometimes I just drive through trailer parks. I am average looking, but I have a lot of money, and I dress and act the part. I do this at least 3 nights a week, and sometimes call off work just to go do it for an entire day. I'm successful maybe 70% of the time in picking up some skank and doing whatever I want with her.

Here is why I'm worried about what's going to happen. My face WILL be on TV. These women WILL recognize me. And I never use protection. I'm been doing this since I was 23, so that's 5 years of anonymous unprotected sex. I started slow, but even at that, I've slept with a minimum of 250 women by my estimation. Of those, I figure at least 10 got pregnant. Of those 10, at least 1 kept the baby.

My life will be ruined the second a bastard child is revealed. My father is a very religious man and a big part of our car dealership is built on honestly and good Christian values. If I take over, I will destroy our customer base. My wife will leave me (I don't care except that's half my money). I take over the dealership in August. If I make it through January without any children popping up, I know I'm safe. If not, I've devised a way to kill myself and make it look like my wife did it.

quote:

Sorry - last one for now. I ready the Punchsport thread that addressed my confessions and wanted to address some things.

Yes, I am Kane.

Sorry, I am forced to wear slacks. Your boss probably has a uniform you have to wear (even if it's business casual). I'd wrestle in a chicken suit if Vince told me to. I agree it is not a good look - I feel like I should be general managing an Arby's or something.

Thank you to the guys who enjoy my work. I realize I can't go like it's 1997 anymore, but at least I'm better than Big Show (lol).

Also thank you to everyone who enjoyed my booking ideas! Too bad Vince and the writing crew didn't enjoy them. I still keep trying, and I've got a feeling the Eva Marie story may take off. They sent her down to NXT (WWE's developmental) with the hope that they'd embrace her (even if it was ironically, it could eventually become real support). But THAT failed and now she's back to square one. They are actively looking for a way to push her - don't be surprised if she becomes Paige's partner to take on the Bella twins (that's a scoop not even Dave Meltzer will get ya! lol)

Also for the doubters - that's fine. I'll share a few more bullet points here. If the thread stays alive I may post tomorrow as well.

1) I was never going to join DX back in the day. There was never a green and black Kane outfit made or even drawn up. The feeling was that would be a step too far to go - after that people would want to see things like "Right to Censor Kane" in a suit and white mask, or it would degrade to goofy Christmas-themed outfits during the holidays and what not. Being as I already wrestled as the Christmas Creature in Memphis, I wasn't too keen on that. It was discussed but nothing beyond "Hey maybe Kane joins DX??"

2) All of the online stories about Vince McMahon being crazy are true, and are just the tip of the iceberg. He does eat steak and ketchup burritos, he loves sno-cones, and he has an obsession with grossout humor. One story to add to the lore - Vince will not get behind a guy until they can prove they are a legit toughman. You could be the biggest draw in WWE history, but unless you show him you have balls, he won't care. Daniel Bryan (sorry to keep referencing him, but he is much more highly regarded in the WWE than most) wasn't going to do much at Wrestlemania, even with an entire crowd chanting for him at every show. He went backstage, told Vince "Give the people what they want or I'm loving off to Ring of Honor. I can't guarantee you'll lose all those fans, but you'll lose some of them. And you can't afford to lose anyone right now." And they re-booked Wrestlemania 30 completely around him. On the other hand - Vince had a hard-on for Roman Reigns until Roman slipped on a wet floor backstage and was visibly crying about it. That sounds insane (both Vince's tough man fetish and Roman's crying) but both are true.

3) Undertaker is basically your cool uncle in terms of personality. Married a much younger, hot woman. Rides a motorcycle. Barely understands modern tech like cell phones. Texts me images that have been shared on facebook a hundred times. Most recently forwarded me a picture of a bunch of cut up watermelons and wrote "vegan slaughterhouse lol". One time he showed up unannounced for a Raw taping and ordered pizza for everyone. I mean everyone - from the ring crew to the wrestlers to the security guards at the arena. It was a huge bill and he just said "If I ever ask for a favor later, you'll owe me then."

quote:

I have a childhood memory of myself peeing in a bottle and squirting it out over all the neighbourhood kids.

quote:

Sometimes I fart on my wife's dinner. I'm not worried about being caught because it was her idea.

H.H posted:

Wayne Gretzky

Ryoshi posted:

I'll second this one without being anonymous, he was nowhere near as funny as he thought he was.

quote:

I get legtimately jealous of people in loving relationships. Not because I'm a virgin or completely hopeless, just that all of my relationships so far have been empty and unfulfilling, and before I (or the other person) break it off, it's just meaningless sex.

I just want to find that one person that actually makes it all worthwhile.

quote:

Ever since the last anon thread where one poster admitted to a couple of weird words that constantly run through his head I've been having the same problem. t used to take me a couple seconds to "warm up" (if you will) to urinate, especially in public. All I do now is think "Come on you little pissbitch" and I can pee on command - even with a near-empty bladder. More disturbingly, the phrase "Get beefy bitch" or "Get REAL beefy bitch" sometimes repeats in my mind as the sole dominating thought for what feels like hours. I'm worried the last anon confession thread infected me with some sort of memetic post-hypnotic suggestion poo poo.

Hopefully it will spread to someone else and leave me alone.

quote:

I'm a police officer. One night on my way home the wife called the office and asked if I could get milk and bread. Since I'm supporting a family on a pretty meager salary (I don't work for a department that hands out o/t like crazy) we were living in a row home on a quiet street in a lovely area but with some rough spots a few blocks away.

So I pull into the 7-11 parking lot at like 2 am and I can see from all the way out that the place is being robbed. There's a large black man waving a revolver and knocking poo poo all over the place. I call for backup, and park on the side of the store, near where the payphones used to be, get my shotgun out of the rack and wait.

Just as backup arrives the robber comes running out, sees the other officers marked cars and bolts towards me, not realizing I'm holding an 870 behind the protection of my unmarked Crown Vic. I can still remember the warmth of the engine for some weird reason. It was a pretty cold night.

He goes to put his hands up and I shoot him immediately. I'd hit him in the waist and was so close to him the wadding cup from the shell was actually stuck in him. I'd practically blown his left hip off, and he's making GBS threads in a bag for the rest of his soon to be short life. He survives, gets convicted, does time, gets out and is gunned down a few years later by another criminal.

At one of my interviews while I'm on administrative leave I get to see the videos of the shooting from the store mounted cameras and another angle from a bank across the street. In all the excitement apparently I yelled "Merry Christmas, motherfucker!" immediately before I shot him. I don't know if I would have done anything differently, except calm down a little and get that bead center of mass next time, which is something that's very hard to do when you're jacked up, in low light conditions and you're shooting at a fast moving target who is also very dark.

quote:

It's me Austin. It was me all along, Austin.

You all bought it. You all bought it hook, line and sinker. You ALL bought it

Even my family... even my immediate family bought it. Every drat one of you were made fools of.

But you know, I really didn't want to have to do it... Austin made me.

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin made me fool you, he made me, because Austin, I had to teach you a lesson you would never, ever forget.

And now Austin? Now you know: there is no price I will not pay, there is no depth I will not stoop, to make your life here on Earth Austin a total, complete living HELL

quote:

i've hosed both of my boyfriend's sisters and his (male) cousin and he is by far the worst lay of the four of them

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I've been seeing someone going on 9 years now and we're not really all that compatible but the sex is and has always been incredible and still getting better. We rarely fight but also rarely have meaningful conversations. Dat sex doe

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So imagine that your life sucks. Now imagine you're me and it sucks a little more because I have chronic pancreatitis. 3-8 times a year for the past decade I've been whisked away for week-long stays at the hospital. My illness is hard to treat, very painful, and very rare. This means, on an average hospital stay, I mostly stay in bed in pain waiting for my body to get its poo poo together while also dabbling in begging for painkillers (because sometimes Morphine isn't enough) and arguing with doctors over proper treatment (because turns out non-specialists don't know poo poo about edge-cases, huh). But you know what? A part of me looks forward to my hospital stays. Because the pain is bad it's pretty much only treatable by narcotics. So my disease is a pretty great way to get consistent, clean, round-the-clock, legal narcotics. Turns out drugs are the poo poo. They get rid of the pain, and all the other bullshit in your life. You go from a writhing miserable mess to a dude who's chilling out on a bed. I have a lot of problems. For a short time, they solve all those problems. It's nice.

So here I am now, soon to undergo surgery that will rid me of my disease. No more trips to the hospital, no more pain, no more insurance worries. Yet, a part of me can't help but feel slightly disappointed. I'll have to deal with my problems the healthy way. It's not a huge deal, I'm not a fiend, not quite yet. I am, however, a little sad. Goodbye Demerol, you were a good friend.

Zzulu posted:

soldier rapegoon please kill yourself and all your squadmates lol

H.H posted:

It's me Austin. It was me all along, Austin.

You all bought it. You all bought it hook, line and sinker. You ALL bought it

Even my family... even my immediate family bought it. Every drat one of you were made fools of.

But you know, I really didn't want to have to do it... Austin made me.

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin made me fool you, he made me, because Austin, I had to teach you a lesson you would never, ever forget.

And now Austin? Now you know: there is no price I will not pay, there is no depth I will not stoop, to make your life here on Earth Austin a total, complete living HEL

quote:

I really do have a nine inch long penis

quote:

So, I've met a real live extra-terrestrial.

I know, unbelievable right? That's why I'm not one of those nutters spouting my story all over youtube and conspiracy websites. I don't want people to think I'm crazy, plus I know things about interstellar civilization that the Government also knows, which could possibly get me an unwelcome visit from Uncle Sam if they knew I had this experience. More on this later. So for years now I've kept my mouth shut and never mentioned anything about what happened barring a few drunken posts on anonymous chan sites.

In 2011 I was in Florida on vacation with some old college buddies when I decided to go for a late-night/early-morning solo walk along the beach. It was around 3am or so. As I walked I saw what looked almost like a dim comet streak overhead toward a fairly large fenced off zone between condo's. You know the kind, filled with dunes and bushes covered in signs warning you not to walk through them because of wildlife conservation or whatever. This glowing "comet" didn't crash though, rather right above this area it slowed to a halt and stopped. It then suddenly went dark as the glow seemed to shut off and plummeted to the ground out of sight behind the dunes with a loud thunk of a large object hitting sand.

I ran to investigate, because who wouldn't? After much consideration about how illegal it was to enter the area and whether I would be looking at a fine or jail time if I got caught, and a brief segue into whether or not I was pretty enough to be top prison bitch in exchange for smokes, I eventually gathered up my testes and hopped the fence. I meandered around the dunes and foliage until I came upon a matte silver walnut shaped craft about the size of four SUV's parked in a square formation. Smoke seeped out from panels in various places on the body of the craft and there was an audible "popping" sound coming from it. Not unlike the sounds you hear from a cars engine as it cools down from a long trip. The craft had a single window stretched across the center of one end, it was dark but in this window I saw the movement of a vaguely humanoid shape that appeared to panic at the sight of me. It was then that the craft disappeared.

Yup, just straight up vanished. Like a black man who just found out his side ho was pregnant. I briefly considered if someone had slipped me some drugs earlier in the night and they had just kicked in until I noticed that the indention the craft made in the ground from its fall was still present. So after I unpuckered my butthole enough to walk again I approached this indention with an outstretched hand and sure enough eventually was stopped by an invisible wall. It was surprisingly freezing, considering the craft had almost looked like it was on fire only moments prior. As I ran my hand along the wall, my brain struggling to compute the fact that I could feel it but perceive absolutely nothing visual about it whatsoever, I heard a loud exclamation come from the nothingness in front of me.

Suddenly a door opened near where I was standing. It slid into an upward position much like the doors of some fancy sports cars, and out stepped a being. He was about four heads taller than me with long gangly legs and even longer arms. It's arms were the same length as its body and kept on the ground as if for support. Sort of like a gorilla, but backwards. Instead of being hunched forward, this creature was arched back with his legs forward and its arms behind it. It was covered from head to toe in dark brown fur had a blackish blue beak, but more flexible, and had two mounds on either sides of its head with small openings that I surmised were its ears.

When he spoke to me he spoke in grammatically correct english, as if he had known the language his entire life. The only problem was he could not pronounce certain sounds, namely ones that require lips to vocalize properly. So these letters he would often replace with a strange equivalent sound or omit entirely. It took some getting used to, but after awhile I got the hang of it and was able to understand him. However, the first thing he said to me was not what I expected to hear for what as far as I knew was the first alien contact with a human. Instead of something profound, or a greeting, or a cliche "I come in peace" this creatures first words to me were:

"If you can get me a jump I'll let you see inside my spaceship."

Imagine my surprise. Just imagine.

Deciding that him knowing what a "jump" was was no more odd than him speaking nearly perfect english, I asked him what he needed. He described in perfect detail a jump starter like you would have in your vehicle for emergencies. I chose to put off asking him how the hell a jump starter for a car would work on an interstellar spacecraft presumably capable of FTL travel, because who has the time, and instead stammered that by a stroke of luck I actually had one in my car. Which was parked not but a mile down the beach.

He told me to call him "Nesh" and said if I brought authorities back with me he'd disintegrate all of us where we stood. Then made a guttural honk that I would later figure out was a laugh and stepped back inside his ship. So I stumbled out of the dunes in a daze and trekked back down the beach to my car.

Upon returning Nesh snatched the starter out of my hands and took it inside the ship. He told me to wait outside and my stomach sank as I realized this douchebag was about to jumpstart his spaceship and leave my rear end instead of upholding his end of the bargain. But since I didn't know at the time that he wasn't actually capable of disintegrating me I decided not to press the issue.

But then the invisible space occupying the ground in front of me suddenly came to life with a soft and steady purr. Nesh then poked his head out of the door and told me to come on in. Honestly, I probably ran to the door a little too eagerly. But when a giant alien space mammal invites you into his spaceship poise tends to be the last thing you worry about.

The inside of the ship was magnificent. The floor was coated in a sort of reflective blue shag carpet, the walls were covered in compartments of various shape and size, and blacklight lights in the form of long tubes criss-crossed the ceiling and walls at various points giving off an eerie light. A sort of giant oblong ball of material and substance akin to those wrist rests they used to put on mousepads sat in one corner that I found out was a sort of chair, and it was accompanied by small tables of flowing shape. After the initial awe left me, I took a closer look and noticed the entire interior was littered with various odds and ends that looked kind of like garbage. Just things of all manner of appearance that were thrown haphazardly around the ship.

That was when it hit me. The inside of this alien spaceship looked like a goddamn college stoner den. All it was missing was a glow in the dark Bob Marley poster. I suddenly came to realize that Nesh wasn't a peaceful ambassador of a great and all powerful species, or anyone even remotely important. Nesh was a goddamn slob who was likely out goofing off when he hosed up his ship.

My suspicious were soon proven to be correct.

You see, Nesh was the alien equivalent of an entitled rich kid. He had been cruising around in our atmosphere when his ship malfunctioned due to a lack of maintenance. He essentially crashed a piece of technology more advanced than humanity is capable of by forgetting to change the oil.

Nesh offered me a beverage, a sort of thick yellow concoction not unlike eggnog in appearance but tasted like a cross between redbull and butter, and motioned for me to have a seat on the floor. He sat in the gel-beanbag and started spilling his guts about whatever came to his mind with no prompting from myself.

He revealed that the Oort Cloud was not a giant asteroid field, though there are asteroids in it, but rather it is actually a massive satellite network set up thousands of years ago to blind us of the outside universe. The Oort Cloud scrubs the outside view of the universe of all signs of intelligent life. Those signals we've never received or evidence of giant alien construction the Hubble has never picked up? That's the Oort Cloud actively camouflaging everything outside of our solar system so that when we look out it appears that there is nothing there. Nesh revealed that if we could get a probe past its perimeter it would suddenly be able to see that the galaxy just outside our borders is busy as Times Square. With all manner of technology and species going about their business whizzing around us like moths around a porch light.

Nesh never felt the need to explain why the Oort Cloud was set up, and he never gave me an opportunity to ask. Instead he went on to explain that he was inside the borders of our solar system illegally because he liked to come to Earth and hook up with our internet and download videos. Apparently media from "lower worlds" is a hot commodity out in the greater universe despite it being illegal to possess, as its illegal to reveal yourself or risk revealing yourself to "lower species". But Nesh liked breaking rules, and he also liked our movies and tv shows. So he'd swing by occasionally to see what new stuff we'd cook up, download it, then take it home to watch and sell to his friends as "exotic" items.

He'd also download porn. Which is apparently considered comedy where he's from.

Nesh would go off on tangents, inserting random bits of revelation into his oddly detached rant as if not really speaking to me but just speaking to speak. He spoke of dyson spheres being the main source of power in most of the civilized universe and how there are so many intelligent species running around that no one has bothered to keep track of them all in several billion years since they tend to pop up like weeds. Nesh revealed that apparently most of the world governments are well aware of aliens and even have some ships from crashes, but that they'd be too advanced for us to ever be able to figure out anytime soon. He also said they "must know" what the Oort Cloud really is and them hiding all this information from us is likely because they're "terrified" by their lack of understanding. He also mentioned that immortality is readily available and poked fun at us saying it must suck that we still haven't figured it out and keep dying, a statement which was accompanied by another one of those guttural honk laughs.

After finishing our buttery redbulls Nesh then kicked me out. I mean literally, he said it was fun, grabbed my arm, and booted me out the door which he closed shut behind me. Then with whirr and a woosh the ship, still invisible, took off.

I ended up walking all the way back to my condo because I was too overcome with awe to operate a motor vehicle. Plus I'm pretty sure that drink was spiked with something. I got in around 6am and when my friends asked me where I was all night I told them I was hanging out with an alien named Nesh. They laughed, I collapsed in my bed and slept for the next twelve hours, and haven't spoken of any of this since.

H.H posted:

H.H posted:

H.H posted:

quote:

I am in the process of completing a trifecta, I have successfully had sex with a grandmother, a mother and I am close to sealing the deal with the daughter. Ages 65, 45 and 21. Tomorrow night is the big night and I am hoping I can seal the deal with the 21 year old for the trifecta!

quote:

I have read the post about meeting "Nesh" and although it was funny - it also angered me a bit. For you see, I am not of this planet.

My birth name cannot be expressed in human dialect, but would be closely translated to __.--/-04/---___. But that's like saying Juan/John is the same name.

I came to earth 27 earth calendar years ago. It was completely like accident. On my planet, I was the equivalent of a researcher on yours. Now this is confusing for me to explain, as our concepts of science are completely different, and translating it is very basic. We were attempting to destabilize the bonds between atoms in order to achieve faster than light travel by opening gaps between points. I think we did, but after a bright flash I woke up on your planet.

My people do not look like yours people. We are around 1 metre tall. We have no "limbs" to speak of. We are closest in color to what you call red. We have no "faces" as such, just a mass of flesh where all cells act as sight, sound, smell, taste, and mind receptors. All of our interactions with our environment are done through the use of a multiple-use tool we are granted at birth. In short, I appear as a monster to your people, and you are monsters to me.

I spent a long time just being terrified. A longer time after that adapting and surviving. And for the last 10 years, I have begun learn. My people have mind receptors, as mentioned. We can use these for many things, including disguise, as our people have no chance in a fight with a predator. For the last 10 years I have hidden as a man.

I found a sick man with my mind, and stayed with him until he passed away. Then I became him. I like to think I gave him comfort in the end and am giving him a legacy. I live in his home now. It took a long time but I have understood how your economy works, and can pay the men to keep my power flowing. I can buy nutrients. I can even visit internet.

I post online all day and night, as I do not sleep. I am hoping that one of my other people also survived until now and is online. I am hoping that every day. I am on most internet posting sights, constantly looking for tell-tale signs.

My people live very long compared to you. Even though my health is poor due to the difference in our planets, I still have at least 80 of your calendars left to live. If I could see another of my people I would be able to pass to --_@939-__- with peace.

Do not believe me if you want, but perhaps this will let you look at your own life. If you have ever felt alone know this - you are never truly alone. If you have felt weak know this - I have survived on your planet, as innocent and alone as a newborn. Perhaps my story can be as inspiration to anyone who needs it.

I would like to reveal myself to the world but know that it would mean the end of my life as it is.

Unrelated - human humor is greatest of all things in this world. As such I will share a joke I have created.

What is the dog which only causes pain? Doobies Frog Dog. Hope you enjoy this!

H.H posted:

I am in the process of completing a trifecta, I have successfully had sex with a grandmother, a mother and I am close to sealing the deal with the daughter. Ages 65, 45 and 21. Tomorrow night is the big night and I am hoping I can seal the deal with the 21 year old for the trifecta!