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Describe in great detail extremely unsexy things, then strike while the knight is limp and vulnerable
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Jul 2, 2015 11:09
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| # ¿ May 18, 2024 14:46 |
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Now that it's likely not going anywhere, I'd like to Toss pixie dust on him, and while it takes effect I shall regale him in excruciating detail of my amorous affair with the bat creature to ensure his hallucinations are entirely of my plowing a giant wombat I guess maybe he'll kill himself or something and then we can loot it? I just want to do this to be a dick because elves are 100% assholes 100% of the time
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Jul 3, 2015 03:46
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Beer4TheBeerGod posted:Offer to spare the Phalloknight only if he agrees to give Jeff the greatest cuckolding in the history of elvenkind. Wouldn't this be the same as encouraging the Phalloknight to nail your mom? Also, there's the chance that Jeff gets off on it, in which case IIRC you have to roll against an insanity table to see what effects being bested by Jeff yet again has on your fragile psyche. Better to force the knight to hallucinate about you plowing the wombat, I think it's a coin flip between the knight offing itself (or returning to the home dimension if it has effort enough) or gibbering in its hallucinatory state about dark secrets, possibly treasure! Possibly....other things!
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Jul 3, 2015 06:16
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Incredible work so far btw OP, having failed spectacularly at piecing one of these rare books together from two beaten to hell copies I stumbled on in part of my brother's comic book collection I bought off him wholesale I know your pain. Interestingly enough, one copy (which had apparently had its own wombat-tier "incident" with an eclair doughnut) was eaten by ants, but the other copy that was actually in decent shape was literally carried off by ants to an unknown location after they had eaten the first. This is interesting, I need not tell you of course, because of the bit with ant colony later on if you (correct me if I'm wrong here) chose to attend the gala dressed in the barrel and 1 shoe. I thought it was pretty odd at the time but now that everybody here is sharing stories as to the mysterious ways copies of this book have left their possession it makes me wonder. edit - while I mourn the loss of my two copies, I do live next to a library, and I take solace in my firmly held belief that the ants in question may be librarian ants who have chosen to restore the books to pristine condition and keep them forever out of the hands of humans who clearly cannot be trusted Epic High Five fucked around with this message at 20:37 on Jul 3, 2015 |
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Jul 3, 2015 20:35
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Loot that bitchin' PhalloHelm to complement our already incredibly Sweet Belt edit - FIRST WE SHOULD WASH THE REMAINING PIXIE DUST OUT OF THE HELMET QUITE THOROUGHLY Also note to self: cover face when tossing fistfuls of pixie dust at enemies Gilganixon posted:I think I just ruined the last pristine copy in existence. Probably best to not to make hot dogs next to precious books, lest you get red stains smeared all over them from the ketchup Edit - read the first part of the post that I apparently missed. RIP your finger OP, with any luck the book will have a good recipe for a healing salve later on Epic High Five fucked around with this message at 04:52 on Jul 4, 2015 |
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Jul 4, 2015 03:55
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Beer4TheBeerGod posted:If we eat its testicles do we gain its virility? Good idea! We can eat the testicles on the spot so no need for them to go into the inventory, and with how low our Effort is now I'm sure we're famished. I vote In addition to looting the PhalloHelm, we feast on a testicle to gain the virility our spindly and meek frame needs so badly
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Jul 4, 2015 04:45
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Eat elf rations for sure, making sure of course that we are not eating any elf currency. Definitely gotta save that oyster to impress someone later on like Also I think it's important we look our best upon arriving at Bilgetown so I vote we dud up with whatever we find laying around and/or in unguarded houses, put a polish on our PhalloHelm and Sweet Belt, and get our strut on Then find the bar and trade some pinecones for booze because we've got some poo poo to forget
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Jul 5, 2015 07:16
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Oh yeah the side quest! side quest - Continue to explore of course! Karol seems to know his poo poo and should obviously be left in charge here but I do still this it's important that we make lots of really suicidally dumb suggestions so that we seem like we're helping and don't feel left out
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Jul 5, 2015 09:31
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Oh my god, best update yet. Someone please avatarize our noble hero in the PhalloHelm. Forgot about that one, the artist must have had so much fun drawing that with all the little details to wrap up in a bow how goddamned insane our first day from home was. And the ants! I knew I remembered right  As for the adventure, I vote we book it, choosing not to fight the guard because best case scenario is we're gonna get jumped by his buddies before we can loot anything and he probably won't give chase too far. As for loot, we need something to go with our Sweet Belt and incredible PhalloHelm so I vote we snag a Fancy Doublet and Bejeweled Codpiece to complete our ensemble. As our goal was to poison them and steal all their stuff, and we are now stealing their stuff, I vote we save our potent hallucinogens for a later date and instead steal some of their grub on the way out, if it is already in a bowl or something we can steal on the run We should definitely steal a horse, but as we are heading to the city where the noble lives we should take care to ditch it a mile or two before the city is visible so as not to draw attention edit - RandomPauI posted:Nobility like to travel with a holy relic or two. See if there are any clumps of a saint's hair tied with a ribbon made of gold, a shriveled hand holding a rosary which is said to grant wishes, or vials of blood with holy symbols on the stopper that could save someone from death, maybe even diamond amulets said to be so good and holy they can order around the forces of evil. This, except whatever relic we get we should wear as a codpiece
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Jul 7, 2015 02:38
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HBar posted:Lacks polish, eh? Karol, take us to page 68! 
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Jul 7, 2015 03:51
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Gilganixon posted:Honestly didn't think you'd spot that, you clever bastards. Karol-heavy update tonight. Yeah I'm pretty sure he was originally meant to be a companion when the whole thing was written, but the publishers thought the pun was too high brow and would confuse people and that nobody wanted to worry about another character in addition to their own, so poor Karol got relegated to an optional helper role It's no coincidence that if you chase off Karol (tough to do, considering the wombat thing only disgusts him) pretty much all of your stories end with you falling into a pit and being skewered on spikes or breaking a leg and crying for days until you die. It's also why, unlike almost every other companion in every other RPG ever, you can't just give him a sword and shield and tell him to do your fighting for you. It's never explicitly stated but I'm PRETTY sure he thinks you're an idiot and it's his job to keep you from getting killed.
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Jul 7, 2015 19:26
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This image is still cracking me up a day later, fantastic
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Jul 7, 2015 20:16
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Gilganixon posted:We encountered Humans at last, so here's the Bestiary entry for a typical human. It may come in handy: Pictured: master potionsmith, at least given the nature of potions in this CYOA STOP HERE, THIS IS WOMBAT COUNTRY 
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Jul 8, 2015 16:30
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1: Save the bits for later 2: Fight the guard 3: magic trinket, fancy doublet, and jeweled codpiece Escape on horse, but not before carving "JEFF WAS HERE" onto somewhere extremely obvious Ask Karol if maybe this maze we're in is actually tunnels making up a giant word that may be of relevance in the near future
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Jul 8, 2015 16:32
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Gilganixon posted:Thanks for votes. So far it's CODPIECE if it's super bejeweled and shiny, but I'd settle for a stringed instrument of some variety is the codpiece is pretty ho-hum fake edit - I'VE DONE IT, THE LEAST HELPFUL POST EVER
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Jul 8, 2015 22:10
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Warlocks don't have skeleton hordes, that's necromancers. They're obviously lying. loving elves, burn down a tree while staring at them. Surprise magical gift my rear end, it's the pixies all over again I do think we should have a chat with that necromancer, and that we should keep our armor on, including the PhalloHelm, in order to impress him and make him less likely to horribly kill and rob us because we're wearing fancy clothing Also, what does the faint background writing on the adventure scroll say, I can only make out a few words and am slightly hoping that it's the lyrics to August and Everything After
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Jul 9, 2015 06:59
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On the one hand, I'm adamantly opposed to being MORE elf because gently caress that On the other hand, there's basically a 0% chance of this working out to make us the only 3/4 elf in all of the lands and probably something horrible will happen resulting in the deaths of all full blood elves in the area. so, I'm down
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Jul 9, 2015 22:20
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Dr Cheeto posted:PHRASE: "GOT A LOT OF BALLS" DETECTED
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Jul 10, 2015 01:23
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Gilganixon posted:2) Activate testicle
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Jul 10, 2015 01:33
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Monkey Fracas posted:Join the skeletons in beating the everloving crap out of the remaining elves. This exactly, 1 effort tops, 0 if we can swing it. At 21 effort we'll likely die before we can even win a fight that's going in our favor at this point. We should also do what we can to curry the favor of the Necrolockzard in yonder tower window
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Jul 11, 2015 03:39
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Amorphous Blob posted:Eat Potion and then Testicle to offset the -elan.
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Jul 11, 2015 20:54
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Seems like this game likes to punish hoarders, we should definitely eat dat ball
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Jul 11, 2015 23:27
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Darth Llama posted:Offer to share the testicle with her over a candlelight dinner, then escort the caravan to Bilgeton. If she spurns our advances, we should accept the Obscenomancer's job and take the chance to get paid to put the boot to some elves
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Jul 13, 2015 03:51
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I'm extremely happy as the minotaur. I like to think that Karol is sending his professional rivals our way, and thus our partnership continues
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Jul 14, 2015 15:20
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Ask the wizard lady if she wants to watch Deadwood with us I think she may enjoy it. Just a guess
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Jul 14, 2015 22:48
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Deadwood has lots of swearing and she swears a lot. Also, she seems like a character right off the show. I vote we: Go with the helmet and Shield. Don't want to gently caress up our good clothes, and it's important to not underestimate the ability of that helmet to throw people off their stride Equip the skeleton for sure Dapper trousers are probably unlikely in a remote tower like this and those were my first choice, so we should try to snag some steel-toed boots for Elf kicking, or some sort of ranged weapon (pike or bow+arrow) for Elf stabbing from horseback fake edit - I vote we name the skeleton James Boned or McCoy
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Jul 15, 2015 02:38
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Anybody who wishes to abandon our skelefriend shall be thrown to the elvesSpeleothing posted:Literally no downside to the Skeleton Friend, I like James Boned for the name. Skelefriend counts as a conquest item I suppose, as we wouldn't have gotten it had we not joined her in her bed
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Jul 15, 2015 04:04
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Boots enchanted to be especially lethal when kicking the poo poo out of elves seems like EXACTLY the sort of thing Aggie would have around As for name obvious I vote James Boned, especially since he automatically puts on the fanciest thing he can find and also stabs people Fantastic
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Jul 15, 2015 21:07
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Yeah, changing my vote from elf stomping boots to bottomless hot soup Just soooooo much more fun we can have with unlimited hot liquid
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Jul 15, 2015 23:33
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Beer4TheBeerGod posted:Tell the skeletons their brethren are trapped within the fleshy confines of the elves. These boots are ridiculously useful against elves and we should take advantage of that
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Jul 16, 2015 06:21
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Also, the last thing that the last living elf sees should be me pissing on and then cutting down a tree Goddamn elves and their lectures on not cutting down trees and blahblahblah here we've brought a bunch of useless poo poo aren't you just soooo in awe
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Jul 16, 2015 14:42
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Let's get back to the caravan and defend it from there, maybe going slightly ahead to sniff out traps. Our task is protecting the caravan first and foremost, as fun as going rogue and elf stomping can be we should probably not incur the wrath of Aggie I remember my first playthrough I was hoping there was a Rod of Ant Control or something similar because, depending on the choices you make, the game can become a game of cat and mouse trying to avoid swarms of murderous ants. In other news, since the ants in my back yard stole my last copy of SotBE, I've since caught them stealing scraps of paper from my printer's feed tray and glue stick ends. I think they may be trying to repair the book  What it is with this book and ants? At least I'm not that guy on the usenet boards back in the day who got a copy only to discover the cover was slick with some sort of noxious chemical that ended up being ant pheromone, at least according to the coroner's report
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Jul 17, 2015 22:32
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1) It's probably those terrifying goddamned ants behind us, so I vote we spray the remaining elves with any sweet sauces we may have left and dive for cover 2) If it's not the ants or something else totally dire and capable of elf murder, bean one of the archers with a rock and charge in 3) We should never remove this armor ever under any circumstance
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Jul 19, 2015 01:20
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Gilganixon posted:It's not ants, it is something very unpleasant though. We're out of condiments but there are a couple of other disgusting things we're lugging around that might help. PIXIE BITS! By now they're probably super rotten and vile so the elves will be disgusted long enough for the drugs to kick in while they're getting mauled by some horrific forest beast, then we can swoop in the make the most terrifying and intimate moment of their horrid lives even worse like the shitheel we are. It'll be the PhalloKnight all over again! I still maintain we should bean whichever elf looks like the biggest cock in the group with a rock though. gently caress elves
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Jul 19, 2015 01:27
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the_steve posted:There's not room in this book for two Elf bastards. Take this gently caress down. WE'RE THE KING OF HALF-ELF DICKBAGS AROUND HERE
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Jul 20, 2015 02:28
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Mr. Gibbycrumbles posted:No-one mentioned the Morrowind reference yet? St. Juib protect us
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Jul 20, 2015 23:08
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Outrail posted:Shouldn't our Adventure sheet portrait have a bit more 'stash? This Also reading the testicle description made me retch
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Jul 21, 2015 01:32
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As sensible as it would be to drag the half elf back to Aggie to be flensed, we cannot not create a skeleton war drum chariot
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Jul 21, 2015 10:29
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Yessss we got the good ending AND still get to have one of the numerous blood and terrible endings. There is nothing I love in this world more than murdering elves and driving to extinction is fantastic. Shame that in the canon storyline his blood is being sprayed all over a skeleton but ehhh, maybe we'll do a little light reading and ask the half-elf just why the hell he had a milkman pamphlet on his person when the horses stop to water? 1) WE SHOULD MAKE A BELT OUT OF ELF HEADS I HATE drat ELVES SO MUCH 2) Approach as normal. We're legitimate now that we're riding with Aggie's crew! Should earn us some cred, then let's find her contact and trade some skeletons for the rest of the cash
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Jul 22, 2015 03:05
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| # ¿ May 18, 2024 14:46 |
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But We ARE legit and delivering goods! We don't have to act!
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Jul 22, 2015 07:26
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