- Ningyou
- Aug 14, 2005
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we aaaaare
not your kind of pearls
you seem kind of pho~ny
everything's a liiiiie
we aaaare
not your kind of pearls
something in your make~up
don't see eye to e~y~e
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I want to thank roleplaying for saving my life.
Hokey, I know. But it's true. Maybe not in the sense of 'helping me not die', but it certainly allowed me to realize what I was. And helped me realize that the way I was holding back was doing nothing but destroying me.
I'm trans. I know, shocker, it's a well-kept secret. But I didn't know, for a very long time. I'd been saying it since I was at least fifteen, but I missed it despite all kinds of little hints. I had this idea in my head - planted, perhaps unfortunately, by a person Ettin gamed with like ten years ago - that my idea of what being a woman was...well, wasn't valid. Oversexualized, ignoring extant realities, that sort of thing.
It was about...four years ago, now? That I started running a 4e campaign. It wasn't anything fancy, I just wanted to play D&D with guns, and with human history and gods and that sort of thing - traditional campaign settings didn't really appeal to me. I told some people in a chat PixelScum lurks in to this day, and one of the players - ironically the biggest problem - got five people together in a jiffy. And for over a year afterward, I ran my alt-history D&D setting, making a lot of awkward mistakes along the way, constantly feeling like I was doing something wrong.
And part of that? By playing female NPCs.
I was scared, constantly scared, that people would find me weird for these female NPCs. Just two, to start, the 'mission control'. Then later more, and more, increasingly...charged, each time, with the encouragement of a couple of my players. Of course...the most fun, most thematic, smoothest adventure where everything finally clicked...well, those were the two when I was playing a whip-wielding enchantress cultist with delusions of grandeur, and a scheming lesbian duchess pulling the strings to frame the party for murder.
It was...nice. I mean, roleplaying girls in general was nice, but despite my terror at being seen as weird or sexual or anything like that, people liked it when I pushed my interests into the game. Turns out that when you have passion for what you're playing, you do better at GMing. Who knew? Despite all those holy grails - 'don't split the party', 'don't use GMPCs or any NPC more powerful than a porter, unless they're a villain' and especially 'no romance or sex ever' - I broke them, and things were all the better for it.
Better for me playing girls.
It was around the tailend of the campaign that I started getting really worried about this last villain - fantasy GLaDOS, essentially. Now, I loving worship GLaDOS, she's one of my big inspirations and all, and I kind of...love how she talks and does things. She's so...controlling, teasing, sensual, perfect. So naturally, I worry that this will make things weird, and I ask my one friend if it sounded weird.
And you know? He had no idea.
It was around this time it all started to fall together. It was...so much easier to be a girl. So much easier to be, to play, to act...to make things feel good for me and others. People liked me more, enjoyed me more, when I wasn't trying to force myself into the awkward, non-sexual adorkable cute boy person mold. When I was myself, even if myself was a bit charged. I applied my lessons to future roleplaying sessions, which all instantly went better the moment I was just myself, just what I wanted, without fear.
People love me for it, and told me, showed me what I was. And since then, I haven't looked back. 
It's been a while, but I'm starting a new campaign set in the same universe, and doubling down on the Sapphic Factor. I hope that people around here like reading about it. It means a lot to me, and the friends I've made here (and the wife! ) mean so much. I'd love to share some of the stuff that's in my head with everyone, okay?
So, Traditional Games, how has roleplaying changed your life?
also roleplaying (elfgame and otherwise) gave me a safe environment to explore my ~budding~ queerness and lots of other feelings too but esp the queerness so i guess you could say that ROLEPLAYING MADE ME GAY AS HELL
Also also I've found like....I guess I feel kinda dorky for saying but a lot of my good, lasting friendships have come out of elfgames (and especially SA elfgames folks!), so there's that. ♥
Certainly not anything of the same magnitude as what you posted, but roleplaying helped me figure out that, while I didn't have a lot of strong opinions about the sort of body I was in, I was very cheesed off at how hard it was to try other options.
So, transhumanist RP. Is there any of it that isn't "shooting evil robots in a grim meathook future"?
Joke answer: refluffed Lasers and Feelings
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Jul 1, 2015 19:05
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- Ningyou
- Aug 14, 2005
-
we aaaaare
not your kind of pearls
you seem kind of pho~ny
everything's a liiiiie
we aaaare
not your kind of pearls
something in your make~up
don't see eye to e~y~e
|
I'm just sad I don't know what I did to disturb you so, because your extremely bad posts justify doing it repeatedly. Meow.
*licks the screen, tongue lingering and tracing swirls over a Good Post* De~li~cious.
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Jul 2, 2015 05:13
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