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Fifty Farts
Dec 23, 2013

- Meticulously Researched
- Peer-reviewed
Okay, one more and then I'm done. At least until I make a thread for the rest of the deck.

Fifty Farts has a new favorite as of 20:08 on Oct 25, 2023

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Captain Hygiene
Sep 17, 2007

You mess with the crabbo...



PYF terrible book: see also MUSICAL FRUIT

Fifty Farts
Dec 23, 2013

- Meticulously Researched
- Peer-reviewed

Captain Hygiene posted:

PYF terrible book: see also MUSICAL FRUIT

As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm for the subject, I think the thread title should be related to actual books, not joke playing cards.

edit: I nominate "PYF Terrible Book: All about merkins" from Unkempt's post about Maledicta a few pages back.

edit 2: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?noseen=1&threadid=4045326&pagenumber=1&perpage=40#post535411355 I made a thread to post more cards in to end the fart-digression in this one :)

Fifty Farts has a new favorite as of 04:48 on Oct 21, 2023

Carthag Tuek
Oct 15, 2005

Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
slægt skal følge slægters gang



Xlorp posted:

What a language; 50 words for snow. And over here we have... 50 words for fart

you dont tho. you have a million words that describe things, but when they describe a fart its still just "fart". a big fart, a thunderous fart. ill give you "shart" but still.

meanwhile we over here have at least 3 specific words that only mean fart, and theyre on a graduated schale.

Carthag Tuek
Oct 15, 2005

Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
slægt skal følge slægters gang



here, actual words that mean a fart and nothing else (except by comparison "du'en fis i en hornlygte" = "you aint poo poo", i dont count those):

- fjært (a very small fart, cognate to the english, rarely used by anyone under 60)
- fis (a rather small fart, no sound except perhaps "pfffft")
- prut (this fart has a sound, but it doesnt necessarily stink up the room)
- skid (now we're talking, this is a great fart)
- brandskid (im not counting this one, its just adding burn- to the previous, self-explanatory)

also, 3d megadoodoo taught me the finnish a while ago: pier / prööt / pask

Carthag Tuek has a new favorite as of 05:21 on Oct 21, 2023

Xlorp
Jan 23, 2008


Carthag Tuek posted:

you dont tho. you have a million words that describe things, but when they describe a fart its still just "fart". a big fart, a thunderous fart. ill give you "shart" but still.

meanwhile we over here have at least 3 specific words that only mean fart, and theyre on a graduated schale.

It's not 50 words, that's true. It's 50 pictures. Scenarios. Stories. Each worth 1000 words.

Carthag Tuek
Oct 15, 2005

Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
slægt skal følge slægters gang



Xlorp posted:

It's not 50 words, that's true. It's 50 pictures. Scenarios. Stories. Each worth 1000 words.

now were talkin!

Laserjet 4P
Mar 28, 2005

What does it mean?
Fun Shoe

Xlorp posted:

It's not 50 words, that's true. It's 50 pictures. Scenarios. Stories. Each worth 1000 words.

50 Sharts of Brown

Captain Hygiene
Sep 17, 2007

You mess with the crabbo...



Captain Hygiene posted:

So I went back on my previous Dan Simmons post and dived back in for one more when I saw that he'd written another historical novel, The Abominable. It actually mostly manages to sidestep the specific gripes with him I complained about earlier, but I really need to talk about it somewhere because what it does instead is go to some real places.

The early and midsections of the book are actually pretty decent, an ostensible memoir about a guy involved with a small group that was one of the earliest western attempts to conquer Mt. Everest back in the 1920s. But what bugged me for a while was the title clearly placing it in the context of The Terror's mix of natural and supernatural horror, whereas this book is almost exclusively concerned with the real-life concerns of dangerous mountain expeditions up to this point. While it briefly alludes to the yeti mythos early on, nothing comes of it for most of the book. Until the 2/3 point, when it suddenly tries to set up the idea that yetis attacked and killed a bunch of the expedition's Sherpa crew, only to reveal within about 20 pages that there was no supernatural element, it was all just badguys with guns and monster suits trying to kill or scare off that group.

But that's not the wild part.

In the last ~20% of the story, it's suddenly revealed that the entire expedition was secretly an orchestrated sham to get to a dead guy way up near the top of Everest, who had incriminating photos in his pocket of up-and-coming politician Adolph Hitler having sex with young boys. And there's a bunch of proto-nazis chasing the group up the mountain, culminating in an armed fight somewhere up above 28,000 feet before the heroes win. And then the protagonist gradually makes his way back down and eventually gets to England to turn in the photos to a 1920s Winston Churchill. And also, T. E. Lawrence is there, and so is Charles Chaplin, who gives a funny performance for the group. And then it just kind of winds down with a hand-wavey early WWII history saying that the photos' blackmail potential was the whole reason Germany didn't invade Great Britain?

Just......WHAT? What did I read? Did I dream the whole thing? This feels like it's beyond a :psyduck: response, it needs a full on :psyboom:

I just terrible book'd myself again on accident. :negative:

I was going through my book list and decided to reread this one for some mountain climbing adventures - big mistake, I had completely forgotten everything related to those late story spoilers. I just got there this morning, and I'm angry all over again. It's one of the times I've turned the hardest on a book that I was generally enjoying, it's so unnecessary and stupid. The book would be so much better if they completely ditched all of that plotline and stuck to the mountaineering parts.

Well, rant over. I look forward to having this same complaint in another couple years when I've once again forgotten everything related to that later stuff.

HelleSpud
Apr 1, 2010
Captain Hygiene wakes on a new morning and ventures to the water closet to live up to his name.

He begins to undress but suddenly, a dark smear catches his eye. Divesting himself of his shirt he sees a tattoo on his stomach.

"Don't read Dan Simmons"

Bending to see it better he spots another.

"Specifically, The Abominable "

What is this? Where did this come from? He has no memory of the process. A third tattoo - just a series of tick marks.

How did they get here? How did he get here? Frantically twisting to search for clues he spots one more.

"You probably should have just put a post it on the cover. That would have been easier."

He would get to the bottom of this, and he knew just where to start. He had some reading to do.

Runa
Feb 13, 2011

HelleSpud posted:

Captain Hygiene wakes on a new morning and ventures to the water closet to live up to his name.

He begins to undress but suddenly, a dark smear catches his eye. Divesting himself of his shirt he sees a tattoo on his stomach.

"Don't read Dan Simmons"

Bending to see it better he spots another.

"Specifically, The Abominable "

What is this? Where did this come from? He has no memory of the process. A third tattoo - just a series of tick marks.

How did they get here? How did he get here? Frantically twisting to search for clues he spots one more.

"You probably should have just put a post it on the cover. That would have been easier."

He would get to the bottom of this, and he knew just where to start. He had some reading to do.

lmao

big dyke energy
Jul 29, 2006

Football? Yaaaay

Captain Hygiene posted:

I just terrible book'd myself again on accident. :negative:

I was going through my book list and decided to reread this one for some mountain climbing adventures - big mistake, I had completely forgotten everything related to those late story spoilers. I just got there this morning, and I'm angry all over again. It's one of the times I've turned the hardest on a book that I was generally enjoying, it's so unnecessary and stupid. The book would be so much better if they completely ditched all of that plotline and stuck to the mountaineering parts.

Well, rant over. I look forward to having this same complaint in another couple years when I've once again forgotten everything related to that later stuff.

Lmao I did pick up this book because hey, The Terror is cool and fun and I like mountaineering stories and when it revealed there aren't any loving yetis just dudes in costumes!!! I gave up and returned it to the library. Then after the fact I realized goons consider it Simmon's worst book.

Captain Hygiene
Sep 17, 2007

You mess with the crabbo...



HelleSpud posted:

"Don't read Dan Simmons"

:laffo:

But you can also tell I'm already in trouble because I went and got another Dan Simmons book I'd never heard of, The Fifth Heart. It's actually pretty fun, but it kind of belongs in this thread because it's the most pastiche-y pastiche I've ever read, being the adventures of Henry James and Sherlock Holmes alongside any number of historical figures.

Vincent Van Goatse
Nov 8, 2006

Enjoy every sandwich.

Smellrose
I've never read anything by Dan Simmons but everything I've heard about him makes his books sound like something to avoid. I did see the TV adaptation of The Terror, which was great, but I can't imagine the book is nearly as good, given the things the series changed for the better (Franklin's portrayal, Lady Silence marrying Crozier instead of merely having an unspoken kind-of feelings for Goodsir, Hankey not being a murderer who stole someone's identity).

Vincent Van Goatse has a new favorite as of 02:52 on Nov 10, 2023

Captain Hygiene
Sep 17, 2007

You mess with the crabbo...



The Terror as a novel is actually solid enough at its core, if it could be trimmed down by about 1/3 and have its very iffy portrayal of the arctic natives removed (Lady Silence in particular) I'd give it a pretty strong recommendation.

HelleSpud
Apr 1, 2010

Suleman posted:

Speaking of Dan Simmons, how about Flashback?

quote:

Dan Simmons, for years familiar to fans of science fiction, fantasy, and horror, made his way to the general reader with two historical/horror hybrids. The Terror, published in 2007, was an enthralling and fantastical conjuring up of Sir John Franklin's doomed voyage in search of a Northwest Passage. Drood, appearing two years later, was a creepily ingenious extrapolation of Charles Dickens's unfinished last novel and his vexed friendship with Wilkie Collins. Then came last year's Black Hills, a less satisfying story that posited an American Indian's mystical union with the soul of General George Custer.

So much for history. With Flashback, Simmons has, for the moment at least, put the past behind him and turned a righteous pen to a dystopian future. It is circa 2032, or more precisely, the 23rd year of Jobless Recovery. The U.S. is tottering, weighing in at only 44½ states, its mass eaten away by Mexico, its interior rotted out by floods of immigrants, by loss of faith in a free-market economy, by national health care and a myriad of other entitlement programs, by the global-warming hoax and green-energy boondoggles, and by drugs, the most pervasive being "flashback," which allows its users to visit their pasts in a dream state. It's a bad, bad time, and its fatal origins lie, we are instructed, with the Obama presidency, its spendthrift domestic programs and pusillanimous foreign policy.

Highways are disintegrating, people live in former malls cut into cubicles, and, adding insult to injury, right-wing talk radio has been banned. Japanese overlords have set up "green zones" across the land and America’s once proud and powerful military is now hired out as mercenaries to fight for Japan and India. At the same time, a New Global Caliphate flourishes and Islam spreads. An immense and towering mosque sits at Ground Zero and annual celebrations commemorate the attacks of September 11, 2001. In Los Angeles, where much of the story takes place, the bells of Christian churches add their peels to "the cries of the muezzin…to show their solidarity, understanding, and forgiveness." The Caliphate has obliterated Israel with eleven exceedingly dirty nuclear bombs, killing six million Jews. The survivors of this "Second Holocaust" are now sequestered in a former Six Flags amusement park in Denver by a U.S. government "terrified of angering the Global Caliphate" that is waiting to exterminate them.

With all this going on (and on), there hardly seems room for a plot, and yet there is one, balky and encumbered by jeremiads though it may be. Nick Bottom, Denver resident, ex-policemen, and sometime private detective, has been addicted to flashback ever since his wife was killed in a car crash five years ago. The drug lets him relive their happy times, but it has ruined his actual life and alienated his son. This is Val, who has gone to live in Los Angeles with his maternal grandfather. But the boy, tumid with anger and angst, is going to the bad, having joined one of the many "flash gangs" that roam the disintegrating city, committing violent and unspeakable acts in order to revisit the thrill through flashback. Val's gang has something big planned, but he himself just wants to get back to Denver to kill his dad for not phoning him on his birthday. Plus, L.A. is erupting into full-blown war; so Val and the old man join a convoy of big rigs traveling west over lurid and lawless highways and meet people with strong views, all thoroughly aired.

Meanwhile, Nick has been hired by a Catholic, multibillionaire Japanese overlord to solve the six-year-old murder of his son, a case Nick had failed to crack when he was on the police force. Why call on him again? It's a mystery and a growing source of great fishiness. Getting to the bottom of it involves quantities of flashback, some high-tech virtual-reality spectacles, an enormous, impassive Japanese warrior dude, a few ninjas, two futuristic armored personnel carriers, and one 2015 Chevy Camaro with gun slits for windows and a "raging 6.2-liter l99 V-8 engine" (delivering "603 horsepower and 518-pound-feet of torque"). If anything can plow through polemics, this baby can, and indeed, the battles and chases that interrupt their didactic flow provide the book's only entertainment. In the end, the novel's real mystery remains: How could the witty and potent imagination that produced The Terror and Drood wither to such smug and censorious dullness?

quote:

The Japanese are all honor-bound ninja robots, the mexicans are all la raza -fanatics, the muslims inhuman zealots in the best traditions of Hollywood. And all the black addicts literally have N----r as a middle name.

Oldstench
Jun 29, 2007

Let's talk about where you're going.
lol no loving way. Is he a chud or just boomer-brained?

Dr. Jerrold Coe
Feb 6, 2021

Is it me?

Oldstench posted:

lol no loving way. Is he a chud or just boomer-brained?

after 9/11 he turned the racism knob 1000% up. i remember he posted a short story to his blog where he gets visited by his future self who warns if we don't kill all the muslims the west will fall.

IshmaelZarkov
Jun 20, 2013

Hyperion is .y favourite book, and it really makes me quite sad that Dan Simmons vanished without a trace on September 10th, 2001, leaving no other books behind.

Solumin
Jan 11, 2013
I started saying what the gently caress at "Then came last year's Black Hills, a less satisfying story that posited an American Indian's mystical union with the soul of General George Custer." And it just got worse.

Dabir
Nov 10, 2012

That last bit reads like a fyad joke

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised.
America's infrastructure crumbling could only happen under a foreign occupying regime

nonathlon
Jul 9, 2004
And yet, somehow, now it's my fault ...

quote:

Meanwhile, Nick has been hired by a Catholic, multibillionaire Japanese overlord to solve the six-year-old murder of his son, a case Nick had failed to crack when he was on the police force. Why call on him again? It's a mystery and a growing source of great fishiness. Getting to the bottom of it involves quantities of flashback, some high-tech virtual-reality spectacles, an enormous, impassive Japanese warrior dude, a few ninjas, two futuristic armored personnel carriers, and one 2015 Chevy Camaro with gun slits for windows and a "raging 6.2-liter l99 V-8 engine" (delivering "603 horsepower and 518-pound-feet of torque"). If anything can plow through polemics, this baby can, and indeed, the battles and chases that interrupt their didactic flow provide the book's only entertainment. In the end, the novel's real mystery remains: How could the witty and potent imagination that produced The Terror and Drood wither to such smug and censorious dullness?

So, a Neal Stephenson collaboration?

The Lone Badger
Sep 24, 2007

nonathlon posted:

So, a Neal Stephenson collaboration?

Can't be, it's only 600 pages.

Angry Salami
Jul 27, 2013

Don't trust the skull.
The Japanese taking over America with their superior economy is some 80s vintage racist paranoia, it feels out of place alongside rants about Obama. Didn't Simmons get the memo that it's the Chinese who are the Asians we're scared of now?

Yngwie Mangosteen
Aug 23, 2007

Ghost Leviathan posted:

America's infrastructure crumbling could only happen under a foreign occupying regime

Good news: Our current regime is a bunch of multinational corporations who use bank havens in the Caribbean!

Ambitious Spider
Feb 13, 2012



Lipstick Apathy

big dyke energy posted:

Lmao I did pick up this book because hey, The Terror is cool and fun and I like mountaineering stories and when it revealed there aren't any loving yetis just dudes in costumes!!! I gave up and returned it to the library. Then after the fact I realized goons consider it Simmon's worst book.

It's been.a while, but I recall at the end that there's a point where they think it's the dudes in suits, but later they found they were already gone, so there's an ambiguous "maybe yetis are real!" kind of ending.

And while not good, I wouldn't call it his worst.

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005


Solumin posted:

I started saying what the gently caress at "Then came last year's Black Hills, a less satisfying story that posited an American Indian's mystical union with the soul of General George Custer." And it just got worse.

I tried reading that book but it was terrible and didn't do anything interesting with the premise. You'd think there would be some interesting interaction between the two but instead Custer is just a stream of conscious ramble.

Cornwind Evil
Dec 14, 2004


The undisputed world champion of wrestling effortposting
So while taking a shower, a wholly different strain of terrible came roaring back in my memories.

There was this yearly collection of stories, several of which I read (the collections), called "The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror" or something like that. And one year, in amongst the more traditional fantasy and horror stories, was someone swinging a crowbar into my mental teeth. I am not going to give the story's title, I don't want to bring more attention to it. But basically, it's a zombie story. Seems like a traditional story, save for one detail: the main female character is constantly noted to be incredibly beautiful and desirable. Anyway, it's a small town, society is slowly collapsing, and too many of the locals are not taking the whole zombie thing seriously enough (there's one scene where they're basically doing their equivalent of Zombieland's Zombie Kill of the Week, by hanging a zombie using piano wire). Anyway, the main female's love interest gets killed by those yokels who clearly want to do THINGS to the female main character, then the love interest comes back as a zombie and brutally kills them all. I bet some of you are guessing at what happens next that hurt my brain so bad, but oh no, it's worse.

The love interest zombie gets rekilled, I forget how, and it turns out that while the whole 'saving main character from gang rape' was happening, it seems like a zombie biting rapid snowball effect happened and the whole town has become zombies and they invade where the female main character is. What follows is two pages of zombie rape, male AND female (because EVERYONE wanted the female main character) and the female main sees that basically the whole town is behind the first ones to run a train on her. So she manages to grab a gun and hopes there is one bullet. There is, she assumingly shoots herself and dies, THE END.

In retrospect, that was probably my first exposure to a writer shoving their REALLY hosed UP sexual fantasies into their work. It might have made more sense to appear in one of those collections of sexually based horror (Hot Blood, were they called?), instead of suddenly exploding out of a more general collection like a drat land mine. Some people talk about how they forget how bad something is and re-read it. I know that'll never happen to ME.

(Why did the shower do this? Because it didn't heat up properly, and I went "Gah, COLD!" and that prompted the boil to burst, so to speak).

(Though maybe there was an editor on the book that liked occasional 'OH MY loving GOD' stories, because I THINK that in a later collection is where I first read Chuck Palahnuik's 'Guts'. Which also has stuck with me, but at least not in a 'I regret reading this and wish I could wipe it from my memory' sense).

Unkempt
May 24, 2003

...perfect spiral, scientists are still figuring it out...
Was looking up Lionel Fanthorpe stuff for the pseudonym thread so have this excerpt I found from his 'March of the Robots'.

quote:

BIG and round, like a great silver full moon it came out of the sky. First as
big as a sixpence, then the size of half a crown. Then the size of a saucer; the
size of a dinner plate, and still growing as it descended. Huge... vast... and
somehow terrifying.
It seemed to blot out the stars and to blot out the blue velvet of their
canopy. It seemed to be an alien thing of the night, and yet for all that, there
was a strange, terrifying, alien beauty about its gleaming symmetry.
The great disc ship... the unearthly thing, skimming slowly down, like a
coin tossed by a careless god, into the abyss of nothingness. A silver coin
skimming across a universe; spinning across a galaxy. Down, down... down...
a great silver spinning thing. A ship, an alien ship, a strange unearthly thing,
something that was cold and hard and terrible. Something that was beyond
man... that was different from man... that seemed to have neither part nor
parcel with the ordinary human world. Something frightening, frightening
because it was strange; strange because it was frightening.
It came through the sky, a round, spinning plate of a ship, a flying saucer
out of the sky, down through the blue vault of air; down through the dark
forests of night; down to the sleeping, unsuspecting countryside below, then
it was no longer a thing apart. It had touched down. Softly as a feather
landing in a cushion of air.
Gently as the kiss of a snowflake, and as silent.
Quieter than a rain drop, just a drifting ghost of a ship.
A thing that had arrived with such silence that not even the keenest ear,
not the ear of a bat, or the ear of a bird, or the ear of a listening animal could
have heard its approach. The disc ship had landed.
Once it had landed the silence was gone – like an illusion that is destroyed when the curtains of a stage are pulled aside. The silence was
broken by metallic noises. Harsh clanking, jarring, metallic noises. Things were stirring within the disc ship. Strange metallic things; things that were alien to the soft green grass of earth.
Terrifying things, steel things; metal things; things with cylindrical bodies and multitudinous jointed limbs. Things without flesh and blood.
Things that were made of metal and plastic and transistors and valves and relays, and wires. Metal things. Metal things that could think. Thinking metal things. Terrifying in their strangeness, in their peculiar metal efficiency.
Things the like of which had never been seen on the earth before. Things that were sliding back panels... Robots! Robots were marching... Robots were marching, and were about to spread havoc and destruction across the earth,
and as yet the sleeping earth knew nothing of their coming. As mysterious as anything in the great mysterious universe.

nonathlon
Jul 9, 2004
And yet, somehow, now it's my fault ...
I saw Fanthorpe talk once. He seemed to completely understand where his place in the world was and what his writing was like, and had a sense of humour about it. And that writing up above? I've certainly read a lot worse. It's like 50s pulp SF, written quickly for money and with few ambitions.

Runcible Cat
May 28, 2007

Ignoring this post

Fanthorpe was purestrain paid by the word and perfectly happy about it. May we all get to live so well.

Unkempt
May 24, 2003

...perfect spiral, scientists are still figuring it out...
Oh yeah, I love that stuff. Not sure I could read a whole book though. It's also eerily reminiscent of Garrh Marenghi. Just needs more blood, and a bit of sick.

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised.
I can't help but read that as spoken by a baptist preacher.

Captain Hygiene
Sep 17, 2007

You mess with the crabbo...



Ghost Leviathan posted:

I can't help but read that as spoken by a baptist preacher.

I really want to hear that as the weird sampled audio for a Godspeed You! Black Emperor track

Yngwie Mangosteen
Aug 23, 2007

Ghost Leviathan posted:

I can't help but read that as spoken by a baptist preacher.

I can easily imagine listening that ranted tinnily from a distant AM station at 3am as I drive through backwoods Louisiana.

Woolie Wool
Jun 2, 2006


Ghost Leviathan posted:

I can't help but read that as spoken by a baptist preacher.

I'm imagining Mojo Jojo.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011


I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

nonathlon posted:

I saw Fanthorpe talk once. He seemed to completely understand where his place in the world was and what his writing was like, and had a sense of humour about it. And that writing up above? I've certainly read a lot worse. It's like 50s pulp SF, written quickly for money and with few ambitions.

It's wild because there are some authentically good images in there, and it would probably work very well if it was just edited to remove the redundancies, so I can totally buy that it was written by someone self-aware but paid by the word and working fast.

Snowy
Oct 6, 2010

A man whose blood
Is very snow-broth;
One who never feels
The wanton stings and
Motions of the sense





Can’t remember where I got this but it’s pretty great

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Stupid_Sexy_Flander
Mar 14, 2007

Is a man not entitled to the haw of his maw?
Grimey Drawer
I sincerely hope there is a chapter on cheese.

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