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Nanomashoes
Aug 18, 2012


It's even called "The Painting Fucker." It's more beautiful than I imagined.

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Weatherman
Jul 30, 2003

WARBLEKLONK

BravestOfTheLamps posted:

Speaking of the Louvre, I read Da Vinci Code as a teenager. Even if I was intrigued by the (totally dumb, in retrospect) ideas behind it, ultimately it's the definition of a hack-job. It's the book version of a dumb person pretending to be intellectual. Brown is a very self-indulgent author who tries to wow the audience with facts and his impressions of a cultured person.

Angels and Demons was the same. I distinctly remember the bit where Robert Langdon had an aside about his father and how he bought him a beautiful gift after Mom Langdon died and Daddy never appreciated it and he took it back. It was the clumsiest attempt to shoehorn sentimentalism into it. Oh, and he was saved from suffocation because of his Mickey Mouse watch? Did you know Mickey Mouse is Topolino in Italian? I bet you didn't!

My mother sent me a copy of Digital Fortress, also by Dan Brown, shortly after I moved to Japan and was yet to source some bedtime reading material. I appreciated the thought, but once I finished reading the book -- and I had to force myself to finish the final third or so just out of some kind of completion OCD -- I put it straight in the recycling. I've only read one worse book, and that was something I picked up from a "take a book, leave a book" tray in a caravan park somewhere in New South Wales.

Dan Brown is a bad writer. I've never read or watched any of his other works, but I'm comfortable making that generalisation. The characters were one-dimensional and each had a single purpose; upcoming plot points were telegraphed to the point of "I can skip the next chapter because he's already implied what's going to happen"; the entire book read more like a screenplay to a Michael Bay movie; and the descriptions of technology were excruciatingly, ball-twistingly awful. We're talking "hack the Gibson" levels of bullshittery. Dan Brown does not understand software, nor hardware, nor cryptography.

I guess I wasn't the target market after all. Perhaps instead of appealing to techies, he was aiming for the "use Excel to write a letter, print it out, scan it in as a PDF, then rotate it, print it out again and fax it to Grandma" crowd. 1/10 would not use to line my birdcage.

Sleeveless
Dec 25, 2014

by Pragmatica

Weatherman posted:

Dan Brown is a bad writer. I've never read or watched any of his other works, but I'm comfortable making that generalisation. The characters were one-dimensional and each had a single purpose; upcoming plot points were telegraphed to the point of "I can skip the next chapter because he's already implied what's going to happen"; the entire book read more like a screenplay to a Michael Bay movie; and the descriptions of technology were excruciatingly, ball-twistingly awful. We're talking "hack the Gibson" levels of bullshittery. Dan Brown does not understand software, nor hardware, nor cryptography.

Don't make fun of renowned Dan Brown is such a :master: takedown of his terrible writing that it almost retroactively justifies his entire career.

Proteus Jones
Feb 28, 2013



Mr. Gibbycrumbles posted:

Pro-click right here

It was dark, yo.

It was blue, yo.

Reminds me of Scalzi's Aprils Fools joke from a few years ago on Tor's site.

"The Shadow War of the Night Dragons, Book One: The Dead City" posted:

Night had come to the city of Skalandarharia, the sort of night with such a quality of black to it that it was as if black coal had been wrapped in blackest velvet, bathed in the purple-black ink of the demon squid Drindel and flung down a black well that descended toward the deepest, blackest crevasses of Drindelthengen, the netherworld ruled by Drindel, in which the sinful were punished, the black of which was so legendarily black that when the dreaded Drindelthengenflagen, the ravenous blind black badger trolls of Drindelthengen, would feast upon the uselessly dilated eyes of damned, the abandoned would cry out in joy as the Drindelthengenflagenmorden, the feared Black Spoons of the Drindelthengenflagen, pressed against their optic nerves, giving them one last sensation of light before the most absolute blackness fell upon them, made yet even blacker by the injury sustained from a falling lump of ink-bathed, velvet-wrapped coal.


With the night came a storm, the likes of which the eldest among the Skalandarharians would proclaim they had seen only once before, although none of them could agree which on which one time that was; some said it was like the fabled Scouring of Skalandarharia, in which the needle-sharp ice-rain flayed the skin from the unjust of the city, provided they were outside at the time, while sparing the just who had stayed indoors; others said it was very similar to the unforgettable Pounding of Skalandarharia, in which hailstones the size of melons destroyed the city’s melon harvest; still others compared it to the oft-commented-upon Moistening of Skalandarharia, in which the persistent humidity made everyone unbearably sticky for several weeks; at which point they were informed that this storm was really nothing like that at all, to which they replied perhaps not, but you had to admit that was a pretty drat miserable time.

Which is to say: It was a dark and stormy night.

BravestOfTheLamps
Oct 12, 2012

by FactsAreUseless
Lipstick Apathy

Weatherman posted:

I've only read one worse book, and that was something I picked up from a "take a book, leave a book" tray in a caravan park somewhere in New South Wales

For a couple of months, I saw this beauty at one of these trays:

'Machiavelli Covenant' plot summary posted:

For five hundred years a despotic order of the supremely rich and powerful has kept a little known manuscript by the political thinker Niccolo Machiavelli hidden away under heavy guard: THE COVENANT, a terrifying blueprint for the gaining and keeping of true political power. Bonded by complicity in ritual murder and dedicated to a singular vision of global domination, the group, guided by Machiavelli's document, has prospered far beyond any dreams of power and avarice.
In Washington, D.C., former LAPD detective Nicholas Marten comes out of hiding when he learns his former girlfriend, her child and husband, a U.S. congressman, have been mysteriously murdered. Marten discovers her husband had just uncovered a top-secret and illegal bioweapons program, and when the feds fail to investigate, Marten resolves to go after the killers himself.
Meanwhile, on his way to a NATO summit in Warsaw, President John Henry Harris is confronted by a secret cabal inside his own White House who demand he authorize the assassinations of the Chancellor of Germany and the President of France at the NATO meeting. He angrily refuses, knowing full well that in doing so he has put his own life and the fate of the country in jeopardy.
Fleeing for his life, Harris joins forces with Marten and the beautiful but enigmatic French photo-journalist Demi Picard. Together they uncover the truth about the most devastating and powerful group the world has ever known. Swept from Washington to Paris, from Berlin to Malta, Madrid to Barcelona they flee a ruthless circle of the president's here-to-fore most trusted advisors, military leaders and transnational corporate chieftains all of whom want them dead. Out manned, outnumbered and outgunned, these three stand alone against the age-old secrets of THE COVENANT.

It's like a subtle but absurd parody of a Dan Brown novel. But it seems to take itself seriously. "A terrifying blueprint for the gaining and keeping of true political power," "Nicholas Marten," "Beautiful but enigmatic," "President John Henry Harris". Even the summary is horrible, it feels like the plot switches twice in the middle of it. Now that's bad.

I wanted to pick it up and read, but I dared not. It has since disappeared.

BravestOfTheLamps has a new favorite as of 15:16 on Mar 23, 2016

trickybiscuits
Jan 13, 2008

yospos

Weatherman posted:

My mother sent me a copy of Digital Fortress, also by Dan Brown, shortly after I moved to Japan and was yet to source some bedtime reading material. I appreciated the thought, but once I finished reading the book -- and I had to force myself to finish the final third or so just out of some kind of completion OCD -- I put it straight in the recycling. I've only read one worse book, and that was something I picked up from a "take a book, leave a book" tray in a caravan park somewhere in New South Wales.

Dan Brown is a bad writer. I've never read or watched any of his other works, but I'm comfortable making that generalisation. The characters were one-dimensional and each had a single purpose; upcoming plot points were telegraphed to the point of "I can skip the next chapter because he's already implied what's going to happen"; the entire book read more like a screenplay to a Michael Bay movie; and the descriptions of technology were excruciatingly, ball-twistingly awful. We're talking "hack the Gibson" levels of bullshittery. Dan Brown does not understand software, nor hardware, nor cryptography.

I guess I wasn't the target market after all. Perhaps instead of appealing to techies, he was aiming for the "use Excel to write a letter, print it out, scan it in as a PDF, then rotate it, print it out again and fax it to Grandma" crowd. 1/10 would not use to line my birdcage.
I opened The Da Vinci Code and read about half a paragraph of somebody lecturing somebody else about history. Forget it; I get lectured enough by idiots in real life.

I also read some of the book that The Da Vinci Code is based on, called Holy Blood, Holy Grail. What I read was the chapter on medieval grail romances, since I'd just finished a Masters degree in medieval studies (mostly literature). Man was it lovely. It was pretty clearly written by people who didn't know anything about medieval literature or theology. How am I supposed to take that skit seriously? Also I don't know if they ever explained why the Cathars, Christian heretics who rejected that Christ had a physical body, would have embraced the idea that Christ had had offspring. I have a feeling they didn't.

Thrillers about the Cathars and/or Templar knights are enjoyable garbage, though.

BravestOfTheLamps
Oct 12, 2012

by FactsAreUseless
Lipstick Apathy

trickybiscuits posted:

I opened The Da Vinci Code and read about half a paragraph of somebody lecturing somebody else about history. Forget it; I get lectured enough by idiots in real life.

Oh yes, I think the books includes not one, but two flashbacks that are just renowned symbologist Robert Langdon lecturing. LIterally, lecturing. One of them is in prison as part of some program, because that's wacky!

quote:

Thrillers about the Cathars and/or Templar knights are enjoyable garbage, though.

I liked the Scrooge McDuck ones.

divabot
Jun 17, 2015

A polite little mouse!

trickybiscuits posted:

I opened The Da Vinci Code and read about half a paragraph of somebody lecturing somebody else about history. Forget it; I get lectured enough by idiots in real life.

I also read some of the book that The Da Vinci Code is based on, called Holy Blood, Holy Grail. What I read was the chapter on medieval grail romances, since I'd just finished a Masters degree in medieval studies (mostly literature). Man was it lovely. It was pretty clearly written by people who didn't know anything about medieval literature or theology. How am I supposed to take that skit seriously? Also I don't know if they ever explained why the Cathars, Christian heretics who rejected that Christ had a physical body, would have embraced the idea that Christ had had offspring. I have a feeling they didn't.

Thrillers about the Cathars and/or Templar knights are enjoyable garbage, though.

I earnestly recommend to all Dan Brown sufferers Rat Scabies And The Holy Grail by Christopher Dawes, the possibly-mostly-true story of Dawes (a music journalist) and his then-neighbour Rat Scabies, drummer of The Damned, which includes meeting the guy who wrote Holy Blood, Holy Grail and also a bit about just how pissed off he is with Brown monetising his life's obsession and redigesting his tedious book into a hit.

BravestOfTheLamps posted:

It's like a subtle but absurd parody of a Dan Brown novel. But it seems to take itself seriously. "A terrifying blueprint for the gaining and keeping of true political power," "Nicholas Marten," "Beautiful but enigmatic," "President John Henry Harris". Even the summary is horrible, it feels like the plot switches twice in the middle of it. Now that's bad.
I wanted to pick it up and read, but I dared not. It has since disappeared.

Here's some sample text, so you know what you missed.

A Markov chain fed Dan Brown offcuts posted:

Sunday, April 2

Washington, D.C.

George Washington University Hospital,

Special Care Unit, 10:10 p.m.

The slow pound of Nicholas Marten's heart sounded like a drum buried somewhere inside him. His own breath, as he inhaled and exhaled, resonated as if it were a movie sound track. So did the sound of Caroline's labored breathing as she lay on the bed next to him.

For what seemed the tenth time in half that many minutes he looked at her. Her eyes were closed, as they had been, her hand resting gently in his. For all the life in it, it might as well have been a glove. Nothing more.

How long had he been in Washington? Two days? Three? Flown there from his home in Manchester, England, almost immediately after Caroline's call asking him to come. He'd known the minute he heard her voice something was terribly wrong. It had been filled with dread and fear and helplessness, and then she'd told him what it was: She had a very aggressive, untreatable staph infection and was expected to live only a few days more.

For all the horror and shock of it, there had been something more in her voice. Anger. Something had been done to her, she told him, suddenly whispering as if she were afraid someone would overhear. No matter what the doctors said or would say, she was certain that the infection killing her had been caused by bacteria that had deliberately been given to her. It had been then, judging from sounds in the background, that someone had come into the room. Abruptly she'd finished with an urgent plea for him to come to Washington, then hung up.

He hadn't known what to think. All he knew was that she was terribly frightened and that her situation was made all the worse by the very recent deaths of her husband and twelve-year-old son in the crash of a private plane off the coast of California. Considering the physical and emotional toll the combination of these tragic things would have had on her, and with no other information, Marten found it impossible to know if there was any basis at all for her suspicion. Still, the reality was that she was desperately ill and wanted him to be with her. And from everything he'd heard in her voice he knew he'd better get there as quickly as he could.

The excerpt is considerably longer and was put up without paragraphs, but if you View Source you can see them.

divabot has a new favorite as of 19:51 on Jul 10, 2015

swamp waste
Nov 4, 2009

There is some very sensual touching going on in the cutscene there. i don't actually think it means anything sexual but it's cool how it contrasts with modern ideas of what bad ass stuff should be like. It even seems authentic to some kind of chivalric masculine touching from a tyme longe gone

Sleeveless posted:

I'm pretty sre that most of the "fans" of WWZ have never actually read the book and are just going off of the title and general "woo zombies :woop:" sentiment before it got run into the loving ground.

I didn't read the rest of this post but lol

Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012

by FactsAreUseless
Pillbug

BravestOfTheLamps posted:

I liked the Scrooge McDuck ones.

hear hear!

Strom Cuzewon
Jul 1, 2010

trickybiscuits posted:

I opened The Da Vinci Code and read about half a paragraph of somebody lecturing somebody else about history. Forget it; I get lectured enough by idiots in real life.

I also read some of the book that The Da Vinci Code is based on, called Holy Blood, Holy Grail. What I read was the chapter on medieval grail romances, since I'd just finished a Masters degree in medieval studies (mostly literature). Man was it lovely. It was pretty clearly written by people who didn't know anything about medieval literature or theology. How am I supposed to take that skit seriously? Also I don't know if they ever explained why the Cathars, Christian heretics who rejected that Christ had a physical body, would have embraced the idea that Christ had had offspring. I have a feeling they didn't.

Thrillers about the Cathars and/or Templar knights are enjoyable garbage, though.

My favourite part of the Da Vinci Code was the absurd blue balling in the french chick's flashbacks.

"When she was a child....she witnessed something....TERRIBLE"

Three chapters pass. Next flashback.

"She crept down the stairs. She open the door. She saw something....TERRIBLE"

Three chapters pass. Next flashback.

"She crept down the stairs. She open the door. She saw....her grandfather...he was doing....something...TERRIBLE"

gently caress. Off. With. That. poo poo.......TERRIBLE

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005


To be fair, it was an old people orgy. That's pretty terrible.

The Vosgian Beast
Aug 13, 2011

Business is slow
The only time I've seen a book do that and have it work is The Horrible Thing Eric Saw in the Wasp Factory.

I don't even like thinking about that chapter.

Carnival of Shrews
Mar 27, 2013

You're not David Attenborough

muscles like this? posted:

To be fair, it was an old people orgy. That's pretty terrible.

I saw something nasty in the woodshed!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYd9I5i1_Ps

Cold Comfort Farm is an excellent book, don't get me wrong. But these lines (in that very voice) run through my head whenever a character beholds something so horripilating that it gives them amnesia or sends them insane.

Mr. Gibbycrumbles
Aug 30, 2004

Do you think your paladin sword can defeat me?

En garde, I'll let you try my Wu-Tang style

Carnival of Shrews posted:

I saw something nasty in the woodshed!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYd9I5i1_Ps

Cold Comfort Farm is an excellent book, don't get me wrong. But these lines (in that very voice) run through my head whenever a character beholds something so horripilating that it gives them amnesia or sends them insane.

H.P. Lovecraft's works must be annoying to read.

22 Eargesplitten
Oct 10, 2010



Pretty sure that's just the racism.

Crow Jane
Oct 18, 2012

nothin' wrong with a lady drinkin' alone in her room

22 Eargesplitten posted:

Pretty sure that's just the racism.

Not to mention, the italics! So many goddamn italics!

Carnival of Shrews
Mar 27, 2013

You're not David Attenborough

Mr. Gibbycrumbles posted:

H.P. Lovecraft's works must be annoying to read.

Embedded racism is IMO the real criticism of Lovecraft, because, contrary to legend, he often went out of his way to describe essentially indescribable things (though his skills failed him with alien geometry, and eldritch stenches). But with sheer visual or audible weirdness, he would not still be such an appreciated author had he not tried his utmost.

How does the Dunwich Horror (essentially a human/alien hybrid, decades before Giger) look:

The Dunwich Horror posted:

“Bigger’n a barn . . . all made o’ squirmin’ ropes . . . hull thing sort o’ shaped like a hen’s egg bigger’n anything, with dozens o’ legs like hogsheads that haff shut up when they step . . . nothin’ solid abaout it—all like jelly, an’ made o’ sep’rit wrigglin’ ropes pushed clost together . . . great bulgin’ eyes all over it . . . ten or twenty maouths or trunks a-stickin’ aout all along the sides, big as stovepipes, an’ all a-tossin’ an’ openin’ an’ shuttin’ . . . all grey, with kinder blue or purple rings . . . an’ Gawd in heaven—that haff face on top! . . .”

And how does it sound:

The Dunwich Horror posted:

Without warning came those deep, cracked, raucous vocal sounds which will never leave the memory of the stricken group who heard them. Not from any human throat were they born, for the organs of man can yield no such acoustic perversions. Rather would one have said they came from the pit itself, had not their source been so unmistakably the altar-stone on the peak. It is almost erroneous to call them sounds at all, since so much of their ghastly, infra-bass timbre spoke to dim seats of consciousness and terror far subtler than the ear; yet one must do so, since their form was indisputably though vaguely that of half-articulate words. They were loud—loud as the rumblings and the thunder above which they echoed—yet did they come from no visible being. And because imagination might suggest a conjectural source in the world of non-visible beings, the huddled crowd at the mountain’s base huddled still closer, and winced as if in expectation of a blow.

Back to the topic of terrible books, Labyrinth by Kate Mosse makes The da Vinci Code look like it was plotted by Graham Greene.

BattyKiara
Mar 17, 2009
Have romance novels been mentioned yet? I found one in a leave a book/take a book tray that had a master fencer as the protagonst. He had "skin as pale as a the moon, and silver hair to match" and was master fencer even if he was blind. Bcause his super hearing and experience blah-blah-blah. Also a woman with "the kind of coneshaped breast that made seamstresses sigh with delight" and and evil bald man.

Zamboni Rodeo
Jul 19, 2007

NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!




Sleeveless posted:

Don't make fun of renowned Dan Brown is such a :master: takedown of his terrible writing that it almost retroactively justifies his entire career.

That is a pro-loving-click right there. I've never read any of Dan Brown's work, and that editorial makes me so glad I never have.

BattyKiara posted:

Have romance novels been mentioned yet? I found one in a leave a book/take a book tray that had a master fencer as the protagonst. He had "skin as pale as a the moon, and silver hair to match" and was master fencer even if he was blind. Bcause his super hearing and experience blah-blah-blah. Also a woman with "the kind of coneshaped breast that made seamstresses sigh with delight" and and evil bald man.

My first thought was it was about a guy who excelled at building fences. That'd probably be a better book.

Tiberius Thyben
Feb 7, 2013

Gone Phishing


BattyKiara posted:

Have romance novels been mentioned yet? I found one in a leave a book/take a book tray that had a master fencer as the protagonst. He had "skin as pale as a the moon, and silver hair to match" and was master fencer even if he was blind. Bcause his super hearing and experience blah-blah-blah. Also a woman with "the kind of coneshaped breast that made seamstresses sigh with delight" and and evil bald man.

I haven't read the book it is reviewing myself, but this is one of the best book reviews I have ever read, and makes heavy use of excerpts. A couple of the quoted sections from the book being reviewed...

quote:

We continue to gently caress doggy-style over the bench for several minutes. . . . I buck up against him hard mid-thrust, tipping him off balance. Once he’s lost his footing, I pull myself off his cock – my oval office makes a disappointed queeb sound as we separate…I come two more times when I spin myself around and around on his cock like a top, and take the last few strokes down from the rear.

quote:

The walls of my vag vibrate and pulse at warp speed, and my labia are so swollen, they pound out a drumbeat as they slap up and down against the length of Lord Verdigris’ cock.

Mr. Gibbycrumbles
Aug 30, 2004

Do you think your paladin sword can defeat me?

En garde, I'll let you try my Wu-Tang style
Post Your Favorite (or Request) › PYF terrible book: my oval office makes a disappointed queeb sound as we separate

Carnival of Shrews
Mar 27, 2013

You're not David Attenborough

BattyKiara posted:

Have romance novels been mentioned yet? I found one in a leave a book/take a book tray that had a master fencer as the protagonst. He had "skin as pale as a the moon, and silver hair to match" and was master fencer even if he was blind. Bcause his super hearing and experience blah-blah-blah. Also a woman with "the kind of coneshaped breast that made seamstresses sigh with delight" and and evil bald man.

White or silver hair on a young character = either an uptight hero who hides under a frosty, ruthless exterior, or a sadist whose doom will be inventively horrible (or maybe both at once, if the author's skill run to that). Their eyes are never a standard shade, there is a high risk they're an aristocrat, they are never fat, short, ugly, clumsy, or stupid, and they have amazing reflexes. But I have a soft spot for them because you can get quite a way with character creation, just by playing reverse Silver Hero bingo.

Here's another silver hero, from a book I bought when I was unwisely toying with the idea of writing historical erotica (I feel that romance/erotica is hardly fair game, since no buyer is after exquisitely-crafted descriptions of throbbing cocks, but it's true that the standard is not high):

Elizabeth Hoyt, NYT Bestselling Author posted:

Infamous for his wild, sensual needs, Lazarus Huntington, Lord Caire, is searching for a savage killer in St. Giles, London's most notorious slum. Widowed Temperance Dews knows the area like the back of her hand—she cares for its children at the foundling home her family established. Now that home is at risk…

Anyway, at some stage we discover that although the sensual Lazarus has a magnificent head of silver hair, the carpet is in marked contrast to the drapes. He's the pubic equivalent of Alistair Darling, former UK Chancellor of the Exchequer. Once I had this fateful thought, I had trouble finishing the book.

Tiberius Thyben posted:

I haven't read the book it is reviewing myself, but this is one of the best book reviews I have ever read, and makes heavy use of excerpts.

Time for the famed Clive James review of 'Princess Daisy' by Judith Krantz: A Blizzard of Tiny Kisses. This is a long review at 3000-ish words, but is so rewarding to read right to the end that I won't post excerpts.

Alhazred
Feb 16, 2011




Weatherman posted:

My mother sent me a copy of Digital Fortress, also by Dan Brown, shortly after I moved to Japan and was yet to source some bedtime reading material. I appreciated the thought, but once I finished reading the book -- and I had to force myself to finish the final third or so just out of some kind of completion OCD -- I put it straight in the recycling. I've only read one worse book, and that was something I picked up from a "take a book, leave a book" tray in a caravan park somewhere in New South Wales.

Dan Brown is a bad writer. I've never read or watched any of his other works, but I'm comfortable making that generalisation. The characters were one-dimensional and each had a single purpose; upcoming plot points were telegraphed to the point of "I can skip the next chapter because he's already implied what's going to happen"; the entire book read more like a screenplay to a Michael Bay movie; and the descriptions of technology were excruciatingly, ball-twistingly awful. We're talking "hack the Gibson" levels of bullshittery. Dan Brown does not understand software, nor hardware, nor cryptography.

I guess I wasn't the target market after all. Perhaps instead of appealing to techies, he was aiming for the "use Excel to write a letter, print it out, scan it in as a PDF, then rotate it, print it out again and fax it to Grandma" crowd. 1/10 would not use to line my birdcage.

I've read three Dan Brown books and they all follow the same formula:
1. An intelligent and sexy main character.
2. The plot takes place over 24 hours.
3. There's a henchmen with some disability/psychological disorder.
5. Its always a false flag operation. The villain is the one who gave the sexy and intelligent main character the task they have to solve.

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible



Disappointed to see the lack of Jonathan Maberry mentioned. His Joe Ledger series, about a clandestine Black Ops group that fights monsters and poo poo is just awful.

The main Hero, Joe Ledger, is bad rear end to the supreme, who has different personalities. There's his usual self "The Cop", the rational self, but if he's constantly having to fight back his "Warrior" mode. These personalities manifested when he forced to watch his fiancee being raped. He has a attack dog as a pet (which seems to be all intuitive). After a battle where the dog was injured, it was outfitted with titanium teeth. Maberry invited his readers to name the dog, so of course, it's loving called "Ghost" (because Game of Thrones had just become a thing on TV)

He works for the DMS, Dept of Military Sciences, headed by an enigmatic man named "Church", though it's not his true name. Some people know him as "Deacon", or some other religious pseudonym.
He's the only one who has access to MINDREADER, the ultimate computer program. It can get into a computer in the world, and leave no trace that it had been hack.

There's also "Bug", one of the best hackers in the world. Dr Hu, their rear end in a top hat chief scientist. There's also "Auntie" the sassy black woman who's number two in the DMS, and someone you don't want to mess with.

The President loves the DMS, and lets them do whatever, but the VP is constantly looking to shut them down (because he was secretly working for the bad guys in one of the books)

His group finds itself in an uneasy alliance with a group of female Vampire assassins, and of course, Ledger has an on again, off again, relationship with one of them.

The first book, Patient Zero, has Muslim terrorists creating zombies. And each book gets worse.

One of the thing that gets me is his character description. Auntie is described as looking just like Whoopi Goldberg, and I don't mean he writes a description that conjures up images of Whoopi. Nope, flat out says, Whoopi Goldberg. She acts like Whoopi too.

In another of his books, Dead of Night, (not a Ledger book) he describes the protagonist as looking like Scarlett Johansson. Again, doesn't write a description of Scarlett, flat out says she looks exactly like Scarlett Johansson.

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005


Dan Brown does the same thing with Robert Langdon, saying he looks like Harrison Ford.

RC and Moon Pie
May 5, 2011

As addition to bad book reviews and romance novels, this one of Pregnesia has always stood out to me.

Sleeveless
Dec 25, 2014

by Pragmatica

RC and Moon Pie posted:

As addition to bad book reviews and romance novels, this one of Pregnesia has always stood out to me.

Based on my exposure to bad romance novels via bookstores and mock websites pregnancy is like the second most common thing in romance after swarthy men that are foreign but not too foreign. I don't know if that means that a lot of women have pregnancy fetishes or if that's just one of Harlequin's things but it happens way too often to be a random quirk.

Pastry of the Year
Apr 12, 2013

Carnival of Shrews posted:

Time for the famed Clive James review of 'Princess Daisy' by Judith Krantz: A Blizzard of Tiny Kisses. This is a long review at 3000-ish words, but is so rewarding to read right to the end that I won't post excerpts.

Oh, that was a delight.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

Put it all together.
Solve the world.
One conversation at a time.





check this book cover out

Piers Anthony Self-Insert (PASI): yo unicorn i wanna do some fancy rear end fencing

Unicorn: pls put protective gear on

PASI: no

PASI: cause i fence like i sex

Unicorn: that is disconcerting also it gives me many suspicions that u will sex me at some point even if i do not consent

PASI: no

PASI: i mean yes

PASI: much like when ur mouth says no ur eyes say yes

PASI: i have a hat now

Unicorn: that is not

PASI: fight me

in this book PASI starts off in an alien planet where he is a serf/slave/Untouchable. what that means is he is disallowed clothes. what however that also means is PASI goes about having sex in public because nudity means your erection gets rock hard evyertime you see another untouchable. it's untold but his character biography should probably include at least 1-200 public rapes

by the way PASI is a short dood who is respected for being a Gamesman. you are thinking "lol he is into The Game and that is not surprising at all for a Piers Anthony book" well u r wrong, he just rides horses. it's important to note that he really likes horses to an inordinate and almost unhealthy degree

i think he has sex with a sexbot that protects him while he escapes into anotehr dimension. however that may be another Piers Anthony book. guess i should google search that

PA at [url posted:

http://www.hipiers.com/12feb.html[/url]]
The month of Jamboree I wrote a 28,000 word novella, To Be A Woman, that I may publish separately. It's about a female humanoid robot crafted for sexual purpose, a sexbot named Elasa for Electronic Associates, who is so well designed that she can't be told physically from a living woman, though the fact that she never says No may offer a clue. She achieves consciousness, and that makes her an order of magnitude more personable. She can pass the Turing test, fooling folk into thinking she's a person. Indeed, she sues for personhood, so that she can marry the man she loves. Then it gets interesting.

fair enough, i stand corrected. i assume the interesting part is the man she loves actually raped her into loving her, but who knows, Piers! he is a man who surprises (with sex)

anyway off goes PASI toodle-y-doo to the magic world which is dark ages as poo poo and a horse appears. i mean a unicorn. by the way, a unicorn's horn signifies virility, like the erect penis of a nude man

the caste system does not apply in this world, which is a confusing thing because, dark ages? hello? hate these zero effort no-research-done books

anyway our PASI dudebro goes ride that horse, in a non-sexual way of course thank goodness. can't be raping horse on the offset. unicorn. so he rides the unicorn and the unicorn is like "no" and tries to kill him but he's like i'm a Gamesman therefore u will submit to my will. actually i correct myself, it's kinda non-consensual. anyway he rode the unicorn enough (a female btw) that the unicorn decides that her being unable to unseat him means she needs to respect him. i mean fall in love with him. I do not understand this but love works in mysterious ways in this world. so yeah he sat his pasty short white naked rear end on her back so long that she thinks "this is what love is like" and i'm all yep, tq

then he says, wow unicorn u r very sexy, like how nice your hide is and your hooves and i'm like is this a furry porn novel

so the unicorn turns into a beautiful nude lady

then they gently caress

they gently caress offscreen thank god

the book tells me this loving is really magical and beautiful so i had to stop reading, because i was crying so hard

anyway that is a bad book i do not recommend, do not buy or read this book. also do not buy that novella he mentioned even though it's on amazon kindle and everything. also, pls do not rape people or horses. thanks that's my review

The Vosgian Beast
Aug 13, 2011

Business is slow
Is that what made you the saddest rhino?

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

Put it all together.
Solve the world.
One conversation at a time.



The Vosgian Beast posted:

Is that what made you the saddest rhino?

not really, there are many factors

btw i wish to dispel the notion that i am just jealous of the unicorn in the book for being a fabulous lanky version of a rhino. the book is bad, pure and simple. that the book by virtue of featuring a unicorn in a prominent role and many praises being lavished on it being thin and sexy is bodyshaming against rhinos, is beside the point

hashtag bodypositive; and hashtag fatisbeautiful

22 Eargesplitten
Oct 10, 2010



I really wish Piers Anthony wasn't so gross. I read a ton of his stuff when I was too young to realize how creepy some of it was. By all accounts, he is an extremely nice guy. But he should really see a therapist, if not a full blown psychiatrist.

Tagichatn
Jun 7, 2009

Battlefield Earth was mentioned earlier but it was one of the first large sci-fi books that I read. It was sort of interesting but went on way too long. One of the scientific things that took me out of the book in a huge way was how they treated radioactivity. Apparently, the evil alien race came from a planet with super unstable air that exploded in contact with radiation. I guess their sun doesn't put out too much. So the super smart human protagonist sends a nuclear bomb to their bomb and blows it up. This is where an author with restraint or editors would've ended the book but nope, an already long book needed some boring rear end scenes of humans getting established on the galactic political scene.

Terry Goodkind's poo poo was already mentioned as well but I wanted to reiterate so that people don't actually read it. I had the Sword of Truth series recommended to me by several people and one friend lent them to me so I worked my way through a bunch. I had to stop at the libertarian masturbatory fantasy though. Rand started carrying stones on his back eventually saving up enough money to get a cart then hire other people and start his own stoneworking empire all through the magic of hard work. Also he sculpted two statues so beautiful that people fell down and wept upon seeing them and they were so well made that the bad guys had trouble destroying them even with a sledgehammer or some poo poo. The parody page is awesome and mentions that Kahlan almost gets raped a bunch of times but in one book, she thinks she got raped but it was actually her husband and it was dark and he had a spell on him so he couldn't let her know. I think he tried to do his regular sexing maneuvers to let her know she wasn't actually being raped but nope.

Speaking of rape, how about the Wild Card series? For those unfamiliar, it's an anthology series edited by George R. R. Martin with stories by a bunch of his writer buddies. The premise is basically X-Men but it was caused by a virus and is super hardcore and gritty with most "mutant" equivalents getting no powers and just horrific physiology. Also everything is terrible because that's how writers let you know this poo poo is serious, real and gritty. Most of the authors are pretty bad and to make things worse, many of the characters are literally the author's character from some tabletop RPG. Roger Zelazny was the only one who consistently delivered good stories and characters while the other authors just tried to make things as shocking and horrible as possible. This culminated in a book whose name I forget that had some rear end in a top hat switching his grandfather's brain into a young woman and then raping her repeatedly until she/he got pregnant. He also got the power to switch minds from having anal sex with a lawyer. There's a woman that can cure the virus' effects with sex. A guy transforms into some evil Godzilla-sized monster and his giant erection is described in detail, I think it was the size of a bus and spiky? No word on how much it glistened, if at all.

I wouldn't really recommend reading much of it although some of the later books tone down the poo poo and explore more interesting stuff but fortunately our very own Thinky Whale has a thread where he goes through the books and reads them for you! You can find it here: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3501532

SodomyGoat101
Nov 20, 2012
You forgot about the guy who got the mutant power of Tantric sex, and buttfucked a dead kid to read his mind.

Thinky Whale
Aug 2, 2012

All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Fry.
That reminds me, I should finally get around to putting an index on that. And maybe updating it more than once than once in a blue moon.

Speaking of Sword of Truth, it's one of those terrible books that I love because it's just so flat out batshit insane. They're entertaining as hell because Terry Goodkind operates free of any restraint from things like "making sense" or "taste." There was Naked Empire, the book that, while being about wizards, was also a hilariously thinly veiled argument for going to war in Iraq.

theflyingorc
Jun 28, 2008

ANY GOOD OPINIONS THIS POSTER CLAIMS TO HAVE ARE JUST PROOF THAT BULLYING WORKS
Young Orc
All the Sword of Truth I read was at a young enough age that I did not note the libertarian subtext at all.

I guess I didn't think "nope, that won't work" because there were literally wizards running around? I do distinctly remember thinking the sexy torture in the first book was weird.

KiteAuraan
Aug 5, 2014

JER GEDDA FERDA RADDA ARA!


I once tried to read some military sci-fi book I cannot remember the name of, though it was by one of the two guys who wrote the earliest lovely Halo books. I dropped it about half a chapter in when there was a graphic description of some butch Space Elsa the She-Wolf of the SS masturbating to an alien being tortured. I'd love to know the name of the book so I can read the rest of it because holy loving LOL.

Nanomashoes
Aug 18, 2012

Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon. Bananas, LOL!!! Le Rocketman crawls up the toilet xD!!! How did this meme book ever get popular...

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Nanomashoes
Aug 18, 2012

People complain about sunset finding Daeneries squatting in the field and yet nobody mentions Brigadier Pudding eating poo poo.

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