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Hey, listen, I understand. Life is busy, and healthcare is so expensive. Who has the time or money for proper health care these days? Not me, that's for sure. Been coughing up blood for weeks now, but I've got a life to lead! Thats where this thread comes in. Maybe some of these medical issues don't require a doctor visit. Maybe, just maybe, the cure for what ails you can be found in this thread. Canker sores: real painful fuckers. nothing worse than a big fuckin lump on your tongue when you're trying to enjoy your 3rd bag of sour patch kids this morning. TIP: collect some earwax on your finger and apply it directly to the sore. It'll protect the sore from further irritation and it tastes great! |
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Aug 6, 2015 13:28
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| # ? Apr 30, 2024 18:05 |
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Water on the knee: This can be extremely painful depending on the severity and chemical makeup of the water. This is not something you want to mess around with. TIP: ever hear of a towell, idiot? |
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Aug 6, 2015 13:30
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Colds are no fun. You can treat cold at home using a blanket, extra clothes, or using external heat sources |
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Aug 6, 2015 13:32
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Headaches: Are no joke. They can range in severity from mild nuisance to excruciating pain that makes you wish for death. TIP: pinpoint the location/source of the headache, take a power drill with a 2 inch bit and carefully drill into your skull. The released pressure will provide instant relief and as an added bonus you've now trepanned yourself and are a genius. |
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Aug 6, 2015 13:38
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I suffer from several maladies, including: ‣Terrible posting ‣Extreme handsomeness ‣Dog addiction ‣Unbanned planning ‣Big eater syndrome ‣Apu from the Simpsons Do you have anything for me in your big bag, Dr. Julio? |
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Aug 6, 2015 13:39
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Feel like the room is spinning? Well, spin in the other direction and cancel it out. Or spin your body in the same direction your inner ear is thinking you're going and warp to level 8-1 |
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Aug 6, 2015 13:43
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alnilam posted:Colds are no fun. You can treat cold at home using a blanket, extra clothes, or using external heat sources lol ---------------- |
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Aug 6, 2015 13:49
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Wow, this kind of "homeopathic" medicine is insanely dangerous and irresponsible, as well as harmful to healthcare in general. As a medical professional, allow me to give some actual tips for common ailments. Knees hurt? - Cut them Off. Shoulder Pain? - Cut off your legs. Headache? - Sever your feet from your shins. HIV or AIDS? Gargle saltwater. ---------------- |
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Aug 6, 2015 13:53
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pig slut lisa posted:I suffer from several maladies, including: The answers you seek lie within your home |
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Aug 6, 2015 14:00
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Nose Bleeds: Can be embarrassing any time they strike, even if you're home alone picking your nose again. There've been debates over the years whether to lean forward or back, we're here to settle the debate. TIP: Take a hand full of tissues or paper towels and chop em up real fine. Using a credit card and a straw, make a huge fuckin rail of tissue dust and hork the whole thing up in one go. It works the same way spray on bandages work. Alternatively, inhale spray-on bandage juices through the effected nostril. |
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Aug 6, 2015 14:16
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MinorLeagueAllstar posted:Headaches: Are no joke. They can range in severity from mild nuisance to excruciating pain that makes you wish for death. for fast relief, or if you are a rockheaded idiot, use a hammer drill and masonary bits MinorLeagueAllstar posted:Nose Bleeds: Can be embarrassing any time they strike, even if you're home alone picking your nose again. There've been debates over the years whether to lean forward or back, we're here to settle the debate. lol ---------------- |
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Aug 6, 2015 14:36
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TRY to get as sick as possible. Sickness is all the bad stuff leaving your body, making room for good stuff. |
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Aug 6, 2015 14:41
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What most non-doctors don't know is that "Cancer" [finger quotes] is actually an acronym. It stands for Can Aliens Nastily Catch Every Rebound?, and it's really a biological warning system about the lizard people that have infiltrated the NBA. |
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Aug 6, 2015 14:48
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joke_explainer posted:What most non-doctors don't know is that "Cancer" [finger quotes] is actually an acronym. It stands for Can Aliens Nastily Catch Every Rebound?, and it's really a biological warning system about the lizard people that have infiltrated the NBA. this is the plot of space jam |
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Aug 6, 2015 15:12
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Bad allergies? It might sound gross, but try eating some of your snot and boogers. The microflora in your gut will make impactful adjustments to the allergens your body is trying to expel, thus inhibiting your body's histamine response! |
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Aug 6, 2015 15:22
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Did you know that gasoline rids the body of toxins? drink a teaspoon of premium unleaded every day for the best health of your life. At first you will notice sickness, headaches, nausea, diarrhea, bloody stool, bloody urine, delirium and confusion. Don't worry, this is just the toxins leaving your body.
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Aug 6, 2015 17:19
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MinorLeagueAllstar posted:Headaches: Are no joke. They can range in severity from mild nuisance to excruciating pain that makes you wish for death. Does smoking weed help?
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Aug 6, 2015 17:33
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Hemorrhoids giving you trouble? That's because they are hemi-roids, i.e., half a roid. Turn them into free-rolling spheroids by eating spherical foods! Oranges, pomegranates (extra good because they are spheres inside spheres), meatballs, cheese balls, eyeballs, etc. Warning: do not ingest spheres at the other end of your digestive tract--while this will be effective at converting hemorrhoids to spheroids, it will block the roids from exiting your body.
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Aug 6, 2015 17:50
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Painful Urination can be prevented by not pissing in cactus patches. Seasonal Allergies bringing you down? This is nature's way of telling you to stay the hell indoors! Jellyfish Stings can be avoided by poisoning the ocean thoroughly and dousing it liberally with napalm. Seriously, gently caress the ocean altogether! Holy Motherfucking poo poo these are some good drugs, Dr. Julio! https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Aug 6, 2015 18:02
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Sunburns can turn a lovely day at the beach into a waking nightmare plaguing every step of every day for the rest of your life until the sweet release of death frees you from your torment. TIP: While prevention is the best medicine, completely avoiding the sun isn't possible no matter how hard I try. Once you're sunburnt, take a high powered water pick and blast the top 4 layers of skin off. This comes with the added bonus of an amazing complexion once you're out of the hospital. |
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Aug 6, 2015 18:59
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Hi I'm here in earnest, not to tell a joke (like I really could anyway), but if you get a bug bite/sting that itches you can quell the itching by lightly wetting some meat tenderizer powder and rubbing it on the area that's bothering you. The idea is to make it crumbly like the sand you make a castle out of, not a slurry. I do this for fire ant stings and mosquito bites as they're what I experience most, but I bet it will work on other things as well. |
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Aug 6, 2015 19:04
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Back pain getting you down? Try heroin.
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Aug 6, 2015 19:11
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Dropsy causes swelling of the limbs and extremities, elevated heart rate, great aunt-ism, and death. TIP: Sell your plasma by volume. Selling plasma relieves swelling, significantly reduces your tolerance to alcohol and is an important ingredient in the sun. At $15-$30/pint, think of all the beanie babies you can buy.
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Aug 6, 2015 19:33
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Jimi Changa posted:Dropsy causes swelling of the limbs and extremities, elevated heart rate, great aunt-ism, and death.
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Aug 6, 2015 19:34
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don't underestimate the power of prayer |
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Aug 6, 2015 19:36
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Exhaustion is when you do not get enough rest and get cranky and want to sleep forever. this can occur from your diet, stimuli before sleep, mental disorders, or refusal to listen to your parents and stay up all night in protest of their tyranny Tip: glue eyelids open and have a misting sprinkler system with two zone timer installed around your eyes, using brass fittings. tell everyone you take steampunk extremely seriously. pound energy drinks. become an angry straight edge. channel your manic phases into not sleeping. flip off your parents and skateboard through the house at all hours. ---------------- |
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Aug 6, 2015 19:45
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Jimi Changa posted:Dropsy causes swelling of the limbs and extremities, elevated heart rate, great aunt-ism, and death. lol Qwerinty posted:Exhaustion is when you do not get enough rest and get cranky and want to sleep forever. this can occur from your diet, stimuli before sleep, mental disorders, or refusal to listen to your parents and stay up all night in protest of their tyranny lol i love you guys |
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Aug 6, 2015 20:06
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MinorLeagueAllstar posted:Canker sores: real painful fuckers. nothing worse than a big fuckin lump on your tongue when you're trying to enjoy your 3rd bag of sour patch kids this morning. btw this came from the actual Doctor's Book of Home Remidies |
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Aug 6, 2015 21:17
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books are loving gross then!
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Aug 6, 2015 21:57
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if you have tapeworms you can swallow a bird and itll eat the worm
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Aug 7, 2015 01:40
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I got a frog to swallow the cat to get the bird I swallowed to catch a worm.
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Aug 7, 2015 06:23
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here's a tip: smoke a lot of weed. it won't cure anything but it's fun to do |
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Aug 7, 2015 06:25
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DemonToadGoat posted:I got a frog to swallow the cat to get the bird I swallowed to catch a worm. you dont need to go to all that trouble. you can just tie a string to the bird
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Aug 7, 2015 06:39
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Schmeichy posted:here's a tip: smoke a lot of weed. it won't cure anything but it's fun to do
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Aug 7, 2015 11:21
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thank u bacalou
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Emphysema: no one knows what this is. it's possible it's a made up word, or a medical boogeyman. Tip: if it's real you have no hope and will die soon. if it's not, throw money at your pcp until they remove diagnosis. that's also a monetary tip ---------------- |
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Aug 7, 2015 13:56
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Sure-fire cure for Incontinence: Reduce your fluid intake by half each day. Within a week or so, you will no longer be bothered by uncontrolled urination. Or anything, really. |
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Aug 20, 2015 20:51
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Exploding Head Syndrome: Despite what you might think, it's not deadly and is merely the imaginary sound of a loud noise or explosion just as you fall asleep or wake up. It's utterly benign. Tip: wrap your entire head, leaving room for breathing and liquid diet of course, with duct tape in case the doctors are wrong and it's dormant. have your skull reinforced with cybernetics and lattice work. there is now a surgery to put thousands of tiny foam triangles inside your brain hole, to nullify the sound. side effects of the surgery include fuzzy thinking and a compulsion to touch cold, smooth, glossy surfaces ---------------- |
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Aug 20, 2015 22:51
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Children are a common but severe parasitic infection that is transmitted via unprotected PiV intercourse. The infection eventually causes death and/or bankruptcy to the hosts TIP: While there currently is no legal cure for children, applying alcohol liberally to the affected parents can reduce stress-related symptoms and improve quality of life |
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Aug 21, 2015 01:03
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How's family life treating you, friend?
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Aug 21, 2015 01:07
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| # ? Apr 30, 2024 18:05 |
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Cover yourself in honey to avoid getting bitten by a bee. The last thing a bee wants to eat is more honey |
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Aug 21, 2015 01:13
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