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The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > Dr Julio's Big Thread of Home Remedies
 
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Qwerinty

by zen death robot

MinorLeagueAllstar posted:

Headaches: Are no joke. They can range in severity from mild nuisance to excruciating pain that makes you wish for death.

TIP: pinpoint the location/source of the headache, take a power drill with a 2 inch bit and carefully drill into your skull. The released pressure will provide instant relief and as an added bonus you've now trepanned yourself and are a genius.

for fast relief, or if you are a rockheaded idiot, use a hammer drill and masonary bits

MinorLeagueAllstar posted:

Nose Bleeds: Can be embarrassing any time they strike, even if you're home alone picking your nose again. There've been debates over the years whether to lean forward or back, we're here to settle the debate.

TIP: Take a hand full of tissues or paper towels and chop em up real fine. Using a credit card and a straw, make a huge fuckin rail of tissue dust and hork the whole thing up in one go. It works the same way spray on bandages work. Alternatively, inhale spray-on bandage juices through the effected nostril.

lol

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* # ¿ Aug 6, 2015 14:36
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# ¿ May 21, 2024 17:48
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Qwerinty

by zen death robot
Exhaustion is when you do not get enough rest and get cranky and want to sleep forever. this can occur from your diet, stimuli before sleep, mental disorders, or refusal to listen to your parents and stay up all night in protest of their tyranny

Tip: glue eyelids open and have a misting sprinkler system with two zone timer installed around your eyes, using brass fittings. tell everyone you take steampunk extremely seriously. pound energy drinks. become an angry straight edge. channel your manic phases into not sleeping. flip off your parents and skateboard through the house at all hours.

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* # ¿ Aug 6, 2015 19:45
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Qwerinty

by zen death robot
Emphysema: no one knows what this is. it's possible it's a made up word, or a medical boogeyman.

Tip: if it's real you have no hope and will die soon. if it's not, throw money at your pcp until they remove diagnosis. that's also a monetary tip

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* # ¿ Aug 7, 2015 13:56
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Qwerinty

by zen death robot
Exploding Head Syndrome: Despite what you might think, it's not deadly and is merely the imaginary sound of a loud noise or explosion just as you fall asleep or wake up. It's utterly benign.

Tip: wrap your entire head, leaving room for breathing and liquid diet of course, with duct tape in case the doctors are wrong and it's dormant. have your skull reinforced with cybernetics and lattice work. there is now a surgery to put thousands of tiny foam triangles inside your brain hole, to nullify the sound. side effects of the surgery include fuzzy thinking and a compulsion to touch cold, smooth, glossy surfaces

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* # ¿ Aug 20, 2015 22:51
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The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > Dr Julio's Big Thread of Home Remedies