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 Bill Gates helped pass a new law today that officially turned any amount of money equivalent to $5000 to be worth 6.5 million dollars effective immediately. The passing of the new law has turned Bill Gates from a billionaire into a super-gagillionaire overnight. Anyone with $5000 in the bank or more now has 6.5 million dollars for every multiple of $5000 they possess. Poor people with less than $5000, even if it is $4999, will experience no change and the law only works once so they can't get the 6.5 million if they eventually save up the $5000.  Crackrings.com! Women can't stop buying crackrings! It's like Ring Pop only instead of candy it's crack.  It turns out they are having a scary skeleton baby! Possibly a demon baby from Hell! The national guard has been mobilized to the hospital along with several priests.  Google's search engine has just been replaced with a picture of a rainbow boomerang. There's no search bar or anything so people can't dick around on the internet anymore and they're getting actual work done. Thanks, Google!  Police have named a famous actress as a "person of interest" in an ongoing investigation into a series of gown strangulations.  Bruce Willis shocked a waitress today when he showed her the large tip of his penis. "It was very unexpected" said the still-breathless waitress, "I hadn't heard any rumors that Bruce Willis had a big penis so seeing that it was big was a really pleasant surprise."  "Crazy" is an ableist slur. Obama is definitely going to lose the otherkin vote in the next election. Neurotypicals cishet bastard.  "You're actually supposed to push directly on the words 'push here,' not just anywhere on the button," explained a gas-station manager.  Get your ears surgically altered to look like Spock ears. He had pretty good hearing.  The house of "Windsor" used to be called the house of "Buttfucker." Back then a "Buttfucker" meant literally "a fuckre (farmer) of Butes (meadows)." They changed it when the family became royalty.  Pay it off in those Susan B. Anthony dollars you've been collecting. They're worth a lot of money now so giving them one SBA dollar is actually like giving them ten regular dollars, so the mortgage will get paid off quicker.  We got bad diarrhea. JFC do not try whatever this crap is. Is it a mushroom? Is it a fruit? Whatever it is, just stay away.  Seniors are senile, and in their addled state of mind are often incapable of comprehending the 14 good things about being old.  When a police car flashes its lights at you, you should pull over right away. Who knew??
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Sep 8, 2015 15:03
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Bowlcutbarricade posted:lol if you use sites that have click bait articles. Just kill yourself. That's GBS's solution to everything. If I killed myself the first time I encountered a minor problem, how would I kill myself to solve another, more serious problem later down the line? Answer me that one, genius.
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Sep 8, 2015 15:07
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100 HOGS AGREE posted:I wish I could be a fraction as enthusiastic about anything as clickbait articles are about everything. Just try this one simple trick...
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Sep 8, 2015 15:09
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 Due to a loophole in most mortgage contracts, the bank can only collect on houses that are touching the ground. If you put your house up on blocks, you don't have to pay them! They're worried that if people find this out, everyone will do it and the economy will collapse because people are essentially getting their houses for free.
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Sep 8, 2015 15:18
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 Summon the mouthless ones. They will take your pain away. The mouthless ones with silent voices speak, and in strange eons even the Dow may peak...
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Sep 8, 2015 15:28
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 Just pay it off with another credit card! And when you need to pay off the second credit card, use the first one, which is now totally clean! Infinite money!  It's because of this man: Frederick Washington. He lives at 1499 Winchell St. You know what to do.
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Sep 8, 2015 15:32
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 *high interest loans  him around picking up all the papers he keeps dropping. More like Warren Butterfingers if you ask me.
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Sep 8, 2015 15:37
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 Eddie is a flamboyant transvestite now.  Millions of tax return checks have been accidentally sent out without names in the "pay to the order of" part, rendering them completely useless! An estimated twenty thousand Americans are expected to lose their homes as a result.
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Sep 8, 2015 15:42
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 In the movie Sixteen Candles, if you actually count the number of candles on the titular cake, there are eighteen.
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Sep 8, 2015 15:46
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 The tops of pound cakes are a no-no if you have high blood pressure. Avoid the tops of muffins, too, and the cheesy crust on top of casseroles. Don't get whipped cream on top of your sundae, either. In fact, the top inch of most foods is the worst part for you, if you skim those off you should be fine.
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Sep 8, 2015 15:49
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 The schools with the most "D" students get an "A+" from us   If you agree to pose for an ad, they'll give you a 10% discount!  Vacuum the gunk out of your ears with our patented ear vacuum! (Warning: may cause severe eardrum ruptures and permanent deafness).  If you bite off huge chunks of ice as if you were eating an apple, you're going to damage your teeth.
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Sep 8, 2015 16:30
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 With an astounding IQ of 101, Ashton Kutcher is confirmed to be one of the smartest celebrities in all of Hollywood!
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Sep 8, 2015 16:33
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 Once you turn 50, you're too old to crowd surf at raves. We're sorry, but we're only telling you this out of concern.
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Sep 8, 2015 16:36
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 The lion returned the baby baboon to its mother so it could kill and eat them both at the same time.
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Sep 8, 2015 16:39
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 These idiots built a bridge up to the last ten feet or so before realizing the two ends didn't line up, in spite of the fact it would have been painfully obvious for hundreds of yards ahead of time! What bozos!  Poledancing!  Everyone at the steel mill is drunk on this poo poo because it's cheaper than moonshine. Accidents have skyrocketed! The steel industry expects to post record losses this year.
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Sep 8, 2015 16:48
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 #1: The baby orangutan.
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Sep 8, 2015 16:52
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 #1: the Two Headed Devil Dog. Vets are ill equipped to treat the numerous spinal and digestive problems of this freakish mutant dog.
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Sep 8, 2015 16:54
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 The buffalo rapes the man. At first I wanted to turn it off, but found myself strangely aroused by the scene. By the end of the video, I wanted to try it myself! I bet I could handle it, not like the bitch in the video who died.  We're feeding the Chinese our excess spinach. In return they send us tainted corn.
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Sep 8, 2015 19:31
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 And tiny, spotted homunculi living in your stomach that crawl out of your bellybutton.  Stage 1: swollen feet stage 2: lesions on the neck and shoulders  #1: a wealthy white woman who dresses her daughter in a kind of silly outfit Honorable mention: a bipolar alcoholic who regularly beats her toddler and locks him in the basement for days on end without food or water.  She got so drunk she passed out and someone took a picture of her panties! I think it's safe to say this is the worst thing that has ever happened to a drunk girl on spring break. Her life is like, totally over!  This horrible crab woman has legs for arms and arms for legs so she walks around like Sebulba from Star Wars, Episode I: the Phantom Menace. Own the extended edition on DVD and Blu Ray today!
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Sep 8, 2015 19:44
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 There are women out there who will have sex with you for money, so there's really no reason for you ever to go without sex. You can get one with a pretty face for cheap if she has boobs that flop down to her bellybutton.
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Sep 8, 2015 19:50
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 All from one convenient Chinese website!  You will need cosmetic surgery after you gently caress up your face with this corrosive goop. Even surgeons jaded by years of accident reconstruction will be horrified.  Throw your makeup in the garbage can, ladies; you won't want it anymore once you discover the magic of fried eggs. Put hot fried eggs on your face.  Bigamy can increase your household income by as much as 50% per additional spouse.  Ours is Mitt Romney, even though he's not a candidate.  Wheatgrass juice enemas three meals a day.
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Sep 8, 2015 20:03
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 This dog with the hosed up face really has its poo poo straight.  Once you turn 45 CARROTS WILL KILL YOU.  You could lose your house.  "I'm coming for the other 30%" threatens gun-wilding stockbroker.
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Sep 8, 2015 20:12
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 Seeing this toddler drinking from a baby bottle really makes you realize how you're too old to still drink from one.
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Sep 8, 2015 20:17
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momerath posted:
 Andre the Giant.
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Sep 8, 2015 20:19
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 Scientists are baffled by this mysterious alchemical phenomenon! What are the limits of this magical credit card's power? How does it define "textbook?" If a textbook is printed on lead, and a law is passed that decrees pizza can only be paid for in gold, will the credit card's powers magically adjust to transmute lead into the precious metal? If so, have we found a source of infinite, free energy (and gold)? Only one thing is certain: he who possesses the card holds the reigns of the world in his hands. Already covetous nations plot against us. We must destroy them before they destroy us!
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Sep 8, 2015 20:25
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 Long after the actual stars have grown cold, and all other matter has ceased to exist, these celebrities will still live, ageless and eternal, adrift in the primordial blackness. Long have they sought death, and tried by their own hand to end their interminable lives, but, like an ephemeral dream, death still eludes them. Even the small comfort of insanity is denied to them as they float endlessly through space in a living hell beyond imagining.
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Sep 8, 2015 20:40
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loquacius posted:For real though, what does "reverse mortgage" mean, do you like give the bank a bunch of money and let them live in your house until they pay it back or what Yeah it sounds like a scam.
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Sep 8, 2015 20:44
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 Patrick Dempsey lives in a literal holodeck in the middle of the woods. Be careful though because sometimes the safety protocols malfunction and all occupants are asphyxiated.
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Sep 8, 2015 20:49
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 That used to be a shag carpet, but not anymore! Now it's smooth as marble, all thanks to Ultra Shave!
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Sep 8, 2015 20:52
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 Because he loved to get money.
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Sep 8, 2015 20:54
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 Get this: clothes... for sharks. Applewhite fucked around with this message at 21:00 on Sep 8, 2015 |
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Sep 8, 2015 20:57
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 Just because a cabin is empty doesn't mean it's not still private property. Now he's facing a hefty trespassing fine!
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Sep 8, 2015 21:00
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momerath posted:
my new fav.
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Sep 8, 2015 21:15
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 A certain German Fuhrer jumps up to the #2 spot!  And all in one convenient omelet!
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Sep 8, 2015 21:29
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 Because you're haunted by nightmarish flashbacks to the beaches of the pacific theater?
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Sep 8, 2015 21:32
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 "I'm on seventeen different medications. It gets so hard to keep track sometimes. Thank god for the app on my phone."  Real magic has returned to the world. The barriers between fiction and reality have begun tor crumble. This time we were fortunate that it was a Disney Princess. Who knows what the next transformation may bring...
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Sep 8, 2015 21:40
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 What kind of God would allow this? Do turtles have souls and a capacity for suffering? Do I?  No matter how much literal garbage they dump into your neighborhood, you will never be powerful enough to stop them and they will never face the consequences of their actions.
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Sep 8, 2015 21:45
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 We took this picture of Obama's reaction when we broke the news to him that he was the worst president.  Her engagement ring had fallen off 18 years ago!  After centuries of poverty, the forgotten secrets of making money have finally been returned to us!
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Sep 9, 2015 00:52
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 You keep sneaking away to play golf on the roof.
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Sep 9, 2015 00:54
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 Almost all classic shows are available to stream and cable companies are an obsolete business model.
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Sep 9, 2015 01:00
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