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You didn't knock down your wife and child did you? I don't have a detailed critique for you, but here are a few comments. 1. Avoid the pluperfect, e.g. I had turned. It slows down your narrative and takes away from the immediacy of the action. Telling me that a flash a lightning had just lit the sky is far less engrossing than telling me that a flash of lightning lit the sky. 2. You tell the reader an awful lot about the emotions and feelings that your protagonist is experiencing, but it would be good to express these in a more subtle manner (the whole balance showing with telling problem). 3. It gets a bit garbled at points. 4. The characters don't have much flesh to them, the protagonists arc doesn't really exist, and there is no tension.
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Sep 28, 2015 04:09
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| # ¿ May 22, 2024 08:29 |
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