Dwarf Fortress Arena Challenge: Season 5 - The Road To The Murderbowl!

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Video Games > Let's Play! > Dwarf Fortress Arena Challenge: Season 5 - The Road To The Murderbowl!

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verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

maybe if i get a hold of a comp today maybe ill run that last fight

# ? May 3, 2020 21:56

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# ? May 4, 2024 07:13

verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

or ill play caves of qud and noita

# ? May 3, 2020 21:57

verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

are we going to lose DFArena if the forums die :ohdear:

# ? Jun 24, 2020 18:49

I R SMART LIKE ROCK: Mar 10, 2003; I just want a hug.; Fun Shoe

what is dead may never die

# ? Jun 24, 2020 19:15

Bad Munki: Nov 4, 2008; We're all mad here.

Dead forums means gently caress Rogers wins, no takebacks.

# ? Jun 25, 2020 02:02

Spermy Smurf: Jul 2, 2004

What about the forums dying?

# ? Jun 25, 2020 11:50

habituallyred: Feb 6, 2015

Spermy Smurf posted:

What about the forums dying?

Lowtax has apparently gone 3 for 3 on abusing ex wives/ girlfriends. The latest incident is a smoking gun. Pretty much every forum has a thread that discusses it.

# ? Jun 26, 2020 00:16

I R SMART LIKE ROCK: Mar 10, 2003; I just want a hug.; Fun Shoe

yeah I'm not sure the forums can take another exodus, even if it stays up

# ? Jun 26, 2020 00:42

Jazzimus Prime: May 16, 2002; The Brothers Autobot

verbal enema posted:

are we going to lose DFArena if the forums die

I won't delete it, I have archived the DFArena remotely and locally and cloudaly and all that, but I didn't know if there were any forums drama about Lowtax

I will take what is sure to be an unpopular opinion that maybe he just said the wrong thing to a lady that was just a little too sensitive, but I still believe in women's rights and all that, and he doesn't deserve to be cancelled as long as he didn't hit anydobdy

And black and brown and blue and orange and all lives matter, and whatever your political opinions are, I will take the brave and notorious opinion that you are right about everything, and gently caress that last line of cocaine was too much

# ? Jun 26, 2020 02:27

Jazzimus Prime: May 16, 2002; The Brothers Autobot

and i still intend to run the last fight, sorry to my fellow Singaporeans for waiting so long

# ? Jun 26, 2020 02:38

verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

fight fight fight!

# ? Jun 26, 2020 03:20

Jazzimus Prime: May 16, 2002; The Brothers Autobot

Okay so unfortunately I read up on the forums drama and it really isn't looking good for the guy that founded this site and I'm afraid can't defend him

He may or may not be physically abusive, but it seems that at best he's a dirtbag who cheats on his wife with a mentally ill drug-addled girl half his age whom he manipulates, and I only know this because regrettably I listened to that leaked audio recording that he thought would prove his innocence, but which instead just makes him look bad

Please check the threads in the other forums if you care about this internet soap opera garbage, but I want to keep this thread on the important topic at hand, which is Fortnite

# ? Jun 28, 2020 03:26

Bad Munki: Nov 4, 2008; We're all mad here.

gently caress Rogers never hurt nobody

_{Which, admittedly, is his greatest shortcoming.}

# ? Jun 28, 2020 04:35

verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

RUN DA FIGHT

# ? Jun 28, 2020 07:12

Jazzimus Prime: May 16, 2002; The Brothers Autobot

verbal enema posted:

RUN DA FIGHT

If I run this last team fight sometime during the next week I get to close the thread and the site. I mean we've all moved on. We've all got families, or at least, more important stuff. Deal?

Because running fights is too much work and I can barely be assed to do the job that pays me

# ? Jul 12, 2020 08:45

verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

dude what no

Auto run the fight start a new thread and lets see if we cant get some new blood in here

failing that then yeah i guess idk let it die

at least give us the whatever it is that makes the fighter macros

im as ive said 600 times i should be getting a comp here sometime and id like to be able to run something sometime should this end c:

# ? Jul 13, 2020 01:07

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

This tournament has lost momentum at this point, and gently caress it, I'm not setting up DF again, I'm going to abuse my commissioner privilege and run all the remaining fights in AI Dungeon.

Remington (Managed by Klokwurk) vs (Managed by me)

quote:

Generating story...
Tip: Want more story to generate? Just press enter without typing in an action.

>You are the referee for the Dwarf Fortress Arena Challenge. Your goal is to observe which of these combatants will come out on top. Below you are the two contestants - a nameless Serpent Man who specializes in his venomous bite, and Remington the tigerman. The arena is stone-floored, with high walls and is surrounded by a magma moat. You drop the flag, signaling the beginning of this fight.

"Remington!" you say. "How do I know you're going to win?"

He looks at you, confused. Then he smiles, and nods.
>"How about you," you ask the nameless serpent man. "Why do you think you're going to win?"

The snakeman shrugs. "I dunno... it's just something that keeps running through my head." He pauses, then shakes his head. "Nevermind."

Remington looks at him, confused.
>You tell the tigerman and serpent man to fight.

The tigerman charges at the serpent man. The serpent swings his tail at the tigerman, who sidesteps it. He leaps at the serpent, but the serpent moves faster, hitting him with his tail. The tigerman falls to the ground, but the serpent lifts his head up using his teeth. The tigerman looks for a way to escape, but the serpent brings his head down onto the tigerman's neck. You see the tigerman's head being crushed, killing him instantly.

> You signal the end of the match and send the winner back to the stands.
You drop the flag, signaling the end of this match. Remington runs up to you, patting you on the back. "Good job, man," he says, grinning from ear to ear.

> You thank the ghost for his compliments on your excellent and fair job as a commissioner.
"Thank you," you say politely. "I really tried my best to make this a good fight."
"Thanks," the ghost replies. "I'm sure it was."

[spoiler]
Winner:

Gnose Nothing (managed by Gnoman) vs Hey it's that dog (Managed by I R SMART LIKE ROCK.)

quote:

> You move on to the next match. The challengers in this match are "Hey, it's that dog!", a female Werewolf fighter, who is facing off against "Gnose Gnothing", a female Human fighter. The two combatants enter the arena.
"Ready?" you ask the fighters. "Gnose Gnothing, you're up first."
"Yeah, I'm ready," she replies.
You signal the begining of the match.

> You say "Gnose Nothing, how do I know you're going to win?"
"Because I'm going to kill that dog," she replies.
You think for a moment, then say, "Well, thanks for at least being honest. Hey, the fight's starting! Watch it, now!"

> You say "Hey it's that dog, why do you think you're going to win?"
The dog cocks her head to the side and barks.

> You tell the werewolf and human woman to fight!
The werewolf charges forward. She leaps forward with both feet, slamming into Gnose Gnothing. She flies through the air, and lands on the ground with a solid thud. The crowd gasps.
Gnose Gnothing gets up slowly. She stares at the werewolf. Then, she growls. The werewolf growls back. Gnose Gnothing bares her teeth, and charges. She tackles the werewolf, knocking her on her back. The two roll around in the mud for a while, neither able to gain an advantage over the other. Finally, the werewolf manages to stand up. She's covered in mud from head to toe, and is breathing hard.
"Now, now, ladies," you say. "That's enough."
The werewolf and human woman stare at each other, breathing heavily.
"Kill her," the crowd yells.
Gnose Gnothing charges forward, grabbing the werewolf's neck. She begins to squeeze, slowly crushing the werewolf's windpipe. The werewolf desperately tries to struggle free, but Gnothing just squeezes harder and harder, until her hand starts turning a deep crimson. Then, Gnothing releases the werewolf's neck. The werewolf collapses on the ground, her life having left her body.
"She's dead," Gnothing smiles. "Didn't expect her to go down so easy."

Winner: Gnose Gnothing

Tanky Tawny (managed by Maarak) vs ϾϿ (managed by Spermy Smurf)

quote:

> You move on to the next match. The challengers in this match are "Tanky Tawny", a male Tigerman fighter, who is facing off against "ϾϿ", a male Minotaur fighter. The two new combatants enter the arena.
"Alright, everyone's ready?" you ask. "ϾϿ, you're first."
"I am," he grunts.
You signal the fight to begin.

> You say "ϾϿ, how do I know you're going to win?"
"Because I'm going to ram my head into that monster's scaly stomach and tear out his throat with my bare hands!" he screams.

> You say "great enthusiasm! Tanky Tawny, how do I know YOU are going to win?"
"Because I'm a tank!" he replies.
You think for a moment.

> You tell the minotaur and tigerman to fight!
The minotaur charges forward, charging past you. He charges straight towards Tanky Tawny. The two clash heads with a crunch. Red blood spurts out like a fountain. The crowd goes wild as the two continue to crash into each other. Finally, Tanky Tawny's bulk crashes into you. You yell in pain as he sends you flying across the ground.

> You say "hey, no fighting the ref!"
You stand up, shaking off the cobwebs. You signal the two fighters to start again.
"Fight!" you yell.
The minotaur charges forward, smashing into Tanky Tawny. They roll around on the ground, smashing into each other with abandon. Finally, the minotaur manages to stand up, by standing on his opponent's chest and flinging him over his shoulder. The crowd goes wild.
"Finish him off!" someone in the crowd yells.
The minotaur drops his hands, ready to throw Tanky Tawny into the air and crush him against the ground. Suddenly, he looks up, spotting you standing there. The minotaur roars, and charges. You raise your hands in defense, ready to absorb the impact, but the minotaur slams into you.

> You say "Seriously guys, cut it out! You're supposed to be fighting each other!"
You're so tired, you can barely stand up. You wave your hands in the air to signal the two fighters to stop. They do as requested.

> You get back up into the commentator's box, then signal for the two fighters to complete the match.
The two fighters stare at each other. The minotaur raises his fist, ready to charge forward and ram it into the side of the tigerman's head. However, the tigerman does something strange: he raises his own hand, revealing a clenched fist. The minotaur stops in his tracks, as if suddenly understanding something. The tigerman slowly steps forward, lowering his fist. The minotaur raises his own fist and rams it into the tigerman's stomach. The tigerman grunts in pain, as the minotaur pulls his fist back. He swings it forward, punching the tigerman in the face. The tigeman falls backwards, as the minotaur pulls his fist back again, ready to swing again. The tigerman raises his arms in defense. The minotaur punches him hard in the chest, sending him backwards. The minotaur falls on his butt, looking up at the tigerman, who slowly begins to raise his fists.
The minotaur raises his hands up, raising his fingers in defense. The tigeman swings his fist forward, striking the minotaur right in the chest. The minotaur falls backwards, out cold. The tigerman slowly walks over to him, as the crowd goes wild.
"Is he killing him? Oh please, may he kill him!" a female in the front row screams.
"Come on, hit him!" a male adds.
The tigerman raises his fist, about to strike the minotaur right in the face. Suddenly, the minotaur sits up and roars. The tigerman looks up in confusion, only to find the minotaur charging straight for him. He's so tired, all he can do is raise his arms in defense. The minotaur grabs him, picking him up off the ground. The crowd goes wild as the minotaur begins running forward, swinging the tigeman around in a circle. He flings him out into the air, and the tigerman falls on his back, crashing into the mat. The minotaur charges forward, raising his fist. He swings it, as the tigerman rolls out of the way. He brings his foot back, sending it right into the tigerman's stomach. The tigerman doubles over, as the minotaur brings his fist down on the top of his head. The tigerman falls unconscious to the mat.
"KILL!" the crowd screams.
The tigerman is dead. You step out from the commentator's box, looking up at the screen. The next fight is ready to begin, but there's no place left to sit.

WINNER: ϾϿ

Nickleback (managed by Frozen_Flame) vs Badant (managed by habituallyred)

quote:

> You move on to the next match. The challengers in this match are Nickleback, a male Serpent Man, who is facing off against "Badant", a four-armed soldier ant woman fighter. The two combatants enter the arena.
The crowd is completely divided, as expected. While the ant people are cheering for the soldier, the alien's fans are booing, as usual.
"Are you watching, Ben?"

> You say "Nickleback, how do I know you're going to win? And who's Ben?"
"Come on, baby, give it up," the serpent man sings. "I'm the master of the universe!"
"Nickleback is the worst band in the history of the-"
"Shut up!"

> You say "Badant, why are YOU going to emerge victorious?"
"Shut up!"
The match begins, as the serpent man rushes forward, punching Badant right in the nose. She flies backwards, smacking into the wall. Nickleback raises his fist, about to strike, but Badant gets up quickly. She runs forward, sending a powerful kick into the serpent man's stomach. He doubles over, groaning.
"Badant, why are you going to win?" you ask.
"Shut up!"
She punches him in the face, knocking him out cold. She pulls him forward, grabbing him by the scruff. She begins dragging him towards the edge of the arena, as the crowd goes wild. Suddenly, the serpent man wakes up, and begins struggling free. He breaks free of her grip, and begins running towards her. She runs forward, punching him right in the stomach. He groans, falling on his knees. She stomps on his head, cracking his skull. He moans, raising his hands up in surrender.

> You say "Match called in favor of Badant!"
The crowd goes wild as Badant stands over the prone body of the serpent man, holding a crushing victory over him.
"Badant!" you shout. "You're awesome!"
"Thanks,"

Winner: Badant (she's awesome)

Gorbo the Smoosher ( managed by Captainicus) vs Strangler disguised as itself (managed by AJ_Impy)

quote:

> You move on to the final match. The challengers in this match are "Gorbo the Smoosher", a male Troll fighter, who is facing off against "Strangler Disguised as Itself", a four-armed three-eyed ape creature. The two combatants enter the arena.
The crowd is completely divided, as expected. While the troll's fans are screaming for blood, the creature's fans are mostly staying silent, presumably because they don't want to support evil.

> You say "Gorbo the Smoosher, why will YOU be the victor?"
"I'm going to smoosh your face!"
"Thanks for the kindness," you say. "But why will you win?"
"Because I'm going to crush your face!"

> You say "I think that's all he's got, folks. How about you, Strangler Disguised as Itself? Why are you going to win?"
"I don't know," it says. "I'm going to get you, Smiley. But first, I need to get past that giant pile of muscles.

> You tell the troll and strangler to fight!
The troll and the creature begin to fight. Gorbo begins charging forward, raising his fist. The creature rolls to the side, running forward and pouncing on the troll. It bites into the troll's ankle, and begins to drag the troll down. The troll begins screaming in agony, and the crowd begins to scream with him. Finally, the creature throws the troll to the ground. It stands over the troll, roaring. The creature runs forward, leaping at the troll and pouncing on it. It begins biting into the troll's other ankle, and the troll screams in pain. Finally, the creature grabs the troll's head with both hands, and begins squeezing. Gorbo's screams are long and loud, lasting for a good minute before finally dying down.
The troll lies there, motionless. The creature steps back, staring at the troll with sadistic glee. It turns and walks off, leaving the troll to bleed out.
"That was a bit depressing," it says. "Let's get out of here."
Gorbo is carried out on a stretcher, his eyes still closed. The monster is gone, leaving the crowd in awe.

Winner: Strangler Disguised As Itself

Tunicate fucked around with this message at 03:19 on Jul 13, 2020

# ? Jul 13, 2020 03:16

Captainicus: Feb 22, 2013

Gorbo did strongly in the interview but man he got his butt kicked in that bout

# ? Jul 13, 2020 05:19

habituallyred: Feb 6, 2015

This is incredible.

I don't know whether to be amazed or saddened by the fact that the male fighters fought on a mat, while the female fighters were forced to wrestle in mud.

More seriously, run the last fight and close the curtain.

# ? Jul 13, 2020 05:42

Maugrim: Feb 16, 2011; I eat your face

that was an entertaining read, keep going. I don't actually remember what tournaments are going on though

# ? Jul 13, 2020 07:25

verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

This is the singles tourney which my fighter is still in but my opponent's name is an emoji so it can't be run :argh:

# ? Jul 13, 2020 07:51

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Having abused my powers further, this round of the tournament is officially over, and we move into sweet sixteen.

I have figured out how to lock a list of equipment, weapons, and skills for each combatants into the AI, and it often will even remember them, so anyone who's still active in this thread, feel free to spend your points on items which might end up being imaginary, I'll run the fights of people who spent points sometime tomorrow.

# ? Jul 13, 2020 08:31

verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

I WON MY SINGLES MATCH HOLY poo poo I KNEW JIM STAFFORD COULD DO IT

i have purchased my skills and items also get hosed bad monki i crushed your rear end

verbal enema fucked around with this message at 08:52 on Jul 13, 2020

# ? Jul 13, 2020 08:40

verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

poo poo there is what 490+ registered people on DFAC? i know a pretty small amount are still here but there isn't any reason to not use da site for multiple threads maybe?

Singles thread team thread duos maybe a thread for a wild rear end battle royal thunderdome thing

Wrestlers only on a pedestal above lava

# ? Jul 13, 2020 08:58

AJ_Impy: Jun 17, 2007; SWORD OF SMATTAS. CAN YOU NOT HEAR A WORLD CRY OUT FOR JUSTICE? WHEN WILL YOU DELIVER IT?; Yam Slacker

Strangler disguised as itself is updated.

# ? Jul 13, 2020 15:48

Spermy Smurf: Jul 2, 2004

~~Someone reset my password (again)~~

Nevermind, don't. It was saved on my work computer lol

Spermy Smurf fucked around with this message at 12:33 on Jul 14, 2020

# ? Jul 13, 2020 17:57

I R SMART LIKE ROCK: Mar 10, 2003; I just want a hug.; Fun Shoe

I also need a password reset

# ? Jul 14, 2020 02:19

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

I have no ability to reset passwords, so just say what you're buying on the honor system.

(I also can't seem to start the next round either which would be an issue if we were still running this in DF)

Tunicate fucked around with this message at 02:44 on Jul 14, 2020

# ? Jul 14, 2020 02:30

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

commish note:

since I can't start the next round of the tournament for some reason I can't see your characters' stats

so just post

Character Name
Race
Best Skill
Weapon Type
Armor

and I'll pair characters off from the survivors to crown the true winner.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 02:45

I R SMART LIKE ROCK: Mar 10, 2003; I just want a hug.; Fun Shoe

as for the thread itself, a new iteration would help and being in a bigger forum or some promotion would probs bring us some fresh blood

# ? Jul 14, 2020 03:14

verbal enema: May 23, 2009; onlymarfans.com

i say give it one day and perhaps Jazzimus could take a peek and see why the singles tourney is stuck in updating mode

also yeah a new thread would definitely help i really hope this doesn't die and i say this as someone who was made a commissioner to help finish these fights lol :smith:

# ? Jul 14, 2020 03:17

Pharnakes: Aug 14, 2009

That is not dead which can eternal die.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 09:31

AJ_Impy: Jun 17, 2007; SWORD OF SMATTAS. CAN YOU NOT HEAR A WORLD CRY OUT FOR JUSTICE? WHEN WILL YOU DELIVER IT?; Yam Slacker

Tunicate posted:

commish note:

since I can't start the next round of the tournament for some reason I can't see your characters' stats

so just post

Character Name
Race
Best Skill
Weapon Type
Armor

and I'll pair characters off from the survivors to crown the true winner.

Strangler disguised as itself is a male Strangler fighter managed by you.

He has the following equipment.
Iron Pick
Oak Wood Buckler

He has the following skills.
Level 3 Dodging (Competent)
Level 5 Shield (Proficient)
Level 9 Misc. Object (Professional)

Bold of you to assume armor.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 10:08

Spermy Smurf: Jul 2, 2004

My boob-guy is updated. I used to be able to unlock tournaments, but we'll just wait for people to finish setting their stuff up first.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 12:38

Jazzimus Prime: May 16, 2002; The Brothers Autobot

Tunicate posted:

This tournament has lost momentum at this point, and gently caress it, I'm not setting up DF again, I'm going to abuse my commissioner privilege and run all the remaining fights in AI Dungeon.

Tunicate gets to take this over from now on

verbal enema posted:

i say give it one day and perhaps Jazzimus could take a peek and see why the singles tourney is stuck in updating mode

OK lemme check, it prolly has something to do with TLS certificates

# ? Jul 15, 2020 07:49

Jazzimus Prime: May 16, 2002; The Brothers Autobot

Goddammit something got hosed up with the database, let me just go and work on it after that half-bottle of scotch, friends

And I intend to do the last team match sometime this week or next... I think the team matches almost killed the thread, they were way interesting and cool but just required too much effort if they are going to be effortposted, these 1v1 matches are the way to go from now on.

# ? Jul 15, 2020 08:06

Jazzimus Prime: May 16, 2002; The Brothers Autobot

Okay I think I fixed it Tunicate, and it's probably the fault of my lovely hosting

If you can't start the next round, Spermy, I, or ZeeToo can

and when I blame my lovely hosting I'm blaming them for not implementing ACID transactions on what I thought was a transaction safe database, but it was probably running an older version of that open source software... dammit, let's just get this over with

Jazzimus Prime fucked around with this message at 08:33 on Jul 15, 2020

# ? Jul 15, 2020 08:28

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

i don't think i can start the next round,

So if someone would start it for me that'd be great.

:siren:

last chance to spend your worthless points :siren:

# ? Jul 15, 2020 21:16

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

First four of the sweet sixteen matches. Don't wanna shotgun them all at once.

Lumbering Jack (managed by Lady Teacup.)
vs
(managed by Coward.)

quote:

> You announce that the prelims are over, and you are moving into the Sweet Sixteen!
The fans cheer loudly, as you raise your hands up.

> You move on to the first match of the sweet sixteen. The challengers in this match are "nbsp;" a female strangler who dual-wields mining picks, and "Lumbering Jack", a male human with an axe.
"This is going to be good," you say.
Lumbering Jack comes out first, wielding his axe. The crowd goes wild as they see him, as the miners cheer him on.

> You say "I see you're a man of the working class, Lumbering Jack. Tell me, why are you going to win this?"
"I've worked too hard to lose to a cheapskate halfbreed!" he roars.

> You ask "nbsp;" why she thinks she's going to win!
"Because it's the fair and square thing to do!" she says.
"That's my girl," you say.
Lumbering Jack charges forward, swinging his axe. The female strangler rolls to the side, running forward and leaping at him. She kicks, hitting him in the stomach. She grabs his arm, and while he tries to pull away she wraps her arm around his throat. She squeezes, and the life is drained from his eyes.
"Yes!" she yells.
She runs forward, grabbing his axe. She stands up, running back to the wall. She leans up against the wall, laughing.
"That was so much fun," she smiles. "Who wants to go next?"
The crowd goes wild, as you look around.

Winner: through nonprintable acts of violence

On bi van kenjo bi (managed by my dad)
vs
Derek Smart (managed by Jack the Lad )

quote:

> You announce the end of the match, and bring in the next two contestants! In the red corner, "On bi van kenjo bi", the massive yeti. In the blue corner, "Derek Smart", the elf swordsman.
The fighters walk forward, staring at each other.
"I am a warrior!" On bi van kenjo bi says, raising his arms.
"I am a warrior!" replies Derek Smart

> You ask On bi "Why do you think you're going to win this match?"
"I am strong! I will crush you!"
"I have no doubt," you say, smiling.

> You ask Derek why HE thinks he'll win.
"Because I am a fighter!" he snarls, angrily.
"That's good," you say. "What are your goals?"
"To beat the life out of you!"
"Ouch,"

> You say "No hitting the referee!" and signal the two gladiators to fight!
On bi van kenjo bi raises his fists, and Derek Smart does likewise. The two gladiators stare at each other for a moment, before they both lunge forward and throw a punch. Both gladiators throw punch after punch, until your ears are bleeding and you can't tell who is winning.

> You look at on bi van kenjo bi.
On bi van kenjo bi looks battered and bloody, but he's still standing. He might make one last lunge forward, with one final punch, to win the match.

> You look at Derek Smart.
Derek Smart's face is a mask of bloody wounds, but he's still standing. He looks like he's gauging the right moment to throw another punch.

> You tell the fighters that this is gladiatorial arena and to stop with the boxing.
"This is a real fight, gentlemen!" you yell.
Derek Smart roars, and the two gladiators begin to brawl. They roll on the ground, smashing their heads together. You step back to watch the fight.
Derek Smart is a big and muscular man. On bi van kenjo bi, however, is significantly stronger. The yeti swings his fists with amazing strength, smashing into the side of Smart's head, knocking him on the ground. On bi van Kenjo bi jumps onto the back of the prone man, wrapping his hands around the throat. The two men writhe on the ground, gasping for air.
The bell rings, ending the match.

> You tell the fighters to take a five minute breather, then come back with their armor and weapons ready.
"Five minutes," you say.
Derek Smart is dazed, and pulling his mailshirt over his head. On bi van Kenjo bi pulls his fur coat on over his head. The two competitors sit against opposite walls of the octagon, taking breaths.
"So," you say. "Who won?"
"I did," On bi van Kenjo bi replies, grinning.

> You say "We'll see in the next round," then signal the fighters to put their armor back on, grab their weapons, and fight to the death.
On bi van Kenjo bi laughs.
"I accept your terms," he grins.
Derek Smart nods, smiling.
"Let's finish this fight," he says, standing.
The two men begin to ready themselves.
You signal the fighters to begin.
The two gladiators charge at each other, wielding swords. On bi van Kenjo bi's fur cloak flies behind him as he moves, exposing his muscled torso. He slices at his opponent's sword arm, which fails to keep up. Smart slices at on bi van Kenjo bi's face, which the Yeti parries. The Elf Prince rolls to the side, kicking his opponent in the stomach and stabbing his sword forward. Smart falls backwards, grabbing at the sword. He fails to take it from on bi van Kenjo bi, who runs the sword through his opponent's chest.
On bi van Kenjo bi grins, as his opponent lies over on the ground.
"It is my win, and I accept your surrender," he says.
Smart slowly nods, pulling his sword from his chest.

Winner: On bi van Kenjo bi in the second round, with twelve seconds on the clock

Bordi laSord (managed by Ablative. )
vs
edgelord (managed by dmboogie )

quote:

> You signal the next two contestants to come out. The first one is Bordi laSord, a male dwarf armed with a sword and shield. He faces edgelord, a soldier ant woman who is dual wielding daggers. The two contestants enter the ring!
The Dwarf grins, scratching at his red beard. He holds up his shield, a massive object that takes two hands to hold up.
Description of the Dwarf: A stocky, broad-shouldered dwarf armed with a sword and massive shield. He wears a mailshirt, a brutal form of armor that is extremely heavy but impossible to break through.

Description of the Soldier Ant Woman: A tall, muscled ant. Her brown and black armor covers her in protection, and two thin, curved blades hang from her head, below her mouth and throat.

> You ask Bordi why he thinks he'll win the match.
"Because I am a dwarf, and you are a ant," he says.
"We've already established that fact, sir," the ant replies.
"Because I am a dwarf, and you are a ant," he says, "means that you are low, and you are an ant. You have no culture, no history. You are a disease that infests the bodies of animals and corrupts them."
"Well, we've established that fact, too," the ant replies, "but we are yet to determine the winner of this match."

> You ask edgelord why SHE thinks she'll win this match.
"Because I am a woman," she says.

> You say "Let's start the match and prove whether dwarves, women, or ants are the deadliest killers!" and signal the two fighters to begin!
Bordi laSord charges forward with remarkable speed, swinging his shield as he does so. He slams it into the ant, pushing her back, before kicking her in the side. As she collapses, he smashes her with his shield, knocking her out of the arena!

> You slowly start counting down from ten, waiting to see if the antwoman can get back in the arena in time.
At this moment, the antwoman slowly starts crawling back into the arena...
Hurry! Before she can get back in time!

> You say "nine"
As the antwoman crawls back in, the dwarf charges forward and smashes his shield into her side, knocking her back out of the arena once more!
"Eight..."
The antwoman is crawling back in...
"Seven..."
She's crawling in...
"Six..."
She's almost back in!
"Five..."
She's crawling in, dwarf standing ready to hit her with his shield again...

> You watch to see if he manages to hit her, or if she can get back in the ring.
As the dwarf readies his swing, the antwoman crawls back in, reaching the edge of the ring just as he swings. She flips over his shield, stabbing him through the neck with her sword. He screams as she twists it, before his head falls off and hits the ground. As the head falls, the antwoman steps back, allowing the next fighter to enter the arena!

Winner: edgelord, by decapitation

Jim Stafford (managed by Verbal Enema)
vs
Duck Fucker (managed by goatface)

quote:

> You watch the empty arena and prepare for the next match. The first gladiator is Jim Stafford, a male Human fighter with a silver maul. The second gladiator is Duck Fucker, a female Elf swordsman with a bronze two-handed sword.

The crowd's volume increases as the two fighters approach each other.

> You say "In the red corner, we have Jim Stafford, a man who knows his way around a maul. Jim, why do you think you're going to win?"
Jim looks up, thinking for a second.
"Well," he says, "I'm relatively fast, and the monster is hard to hit. Plus, I've trained all my life for this."
The crowd goes wild as he raises his maul.

> You say "And in the blue corner, we have Duck Fucker, an elf swordwoman who dares to break with tradition and wear leather. Duck Fucker, why do YOU think you'll win this match?"
Duck grins and pulls off her cap, running a hand through her hair.
"Well, Jim, I've heard your story. You're a monster slayer. I've heard the stories of how you've fought worse things than me. I know you will win, and I will die."

> You say, "Well, that's depressing! Anyway, onto the match!" and signal the two fighters to begin.
Jim and Duck stare at each other, then duck under the other's weapons. They circle, looking for an opening, but both know this is a fast-paced fight. The two fighters clash their weapons together, and Jim swings his maul, knocking Duck's sword to the ground. She leaps on top of him, driving him to the ground, then grabs the maul and whacks him in the head with it. You hear a sickening crack, and Jim falls to the ground. He grabs at his head, before letting out a yell and grabbing at his hand. The blood runs from his hand, and you know he's lost it.
Duck Fucker grabs her sword and stands over him, raising her sword.
"This is for Carter," she says.
The crowd goes wild, and you nod. This is a good fight.
Duck begins to swing, and Jim tries to defend, but the sword is brutal. He manages to parry a few blows, but soon the blood is flowing down his face. You see him stumble as the sword makes its way through his thigh, and he cries out in pain. He tries to regain his composure, and blocks a few more blows. Soon, the sword is in his shoulder.
Duck Fucker swings again, and Jim's face is hideously deformed. He lets out a gargling yell, and attempts to rise again, but is soon hacked to pieces. The last thing you see is him being beheaded.
The crowd goes wild as you and the victor embrace.

Winner: Duck Fucker, by humblebragging

# ? Jul 16, 2020 05:51

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 4, 2024 07:13

goatface: Dec 5, 2007; I had a video of that when I was about 6.

I remember it being shit.; Grimey Drawer

Well, that got weird.

# ? Jul 16, 2020 11:26

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Video Games > Let's Play! > Dwarf Fortress Arena Challenge: Season 5 - The Road To The Murderbowl!

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