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Well, my Yeti has two kills apparently, so that is already probably more than the whip people combined.
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Jan 26, 2016 12:50
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ZeeToo posted:His hammer breaks Jimbo's neck, and Jimbo falls.
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Feb 7, 2016 10:33
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my dad posted:Though I wouldn't say "years" since Bronzestabbed ended only slightly more than a year ago.
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Feb 11, 2016 04:35
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Why mess with a winning strategy? Lightly Whipped has the best streak in arena history going. It would be a terrible shame to break it.
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Mar 8, 2016 06:27
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Honestly, I am rather happy with Abominable not getting many kills. She is doing what she was designed to do: Mangle people with her fists of furry.
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Mar 9, 2016 04:14
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Tunicate posted:It's 50 points adjusted by race in some arcane way.
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Mar 11, 2016 03:19
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Ramc posted:Then don't buy armor!
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Mar 11, 2016 05:19
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Ablative posted:I'm actually starting to feel kind of bad for Lightly Whipped.
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Mar 22, 2016 16:50
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AJ_Impy posted:I refuse to acknowledge any virtue or value until it kills someone.
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Mar 23, 2016 04:57
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Look, when I said I was lazy, I meant it, unlike so many of you pseudo-nuevo-lazy people. I'm quite hoping for a Dentist win in their upcoming match. Not just because they are my team, but also because I would like to have dwarfbucks again.
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Mar 23, 2016 08:55
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I have money! Hooray! And The Abominable Gladiator killed someone! Truly this is the best day ever.
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Mar 24, 2016 00:58
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Spermy Smurf posted:On a completely different note... Does this happen to anyone else?
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Mar 24, 2016 14:36
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Abominable wanted to teach Sun Tzulander how to bite properly. He bit off Krog's eyelid, so she bit off his arm. Also, you left out this wonderful part: quote:Abominable_HELL grabs Sun Tzulander_BITE by the head with her right hand! On a purely mechanical note, I'm actually thinking of dipping a few levels of biting with Abominable. Once you have latched on it becomes a wrestling manoeuvre, and there is no one in the tournament who can beat her at that. She has 10 ranks in the skill (Because it was stupidly cheap) and she has the greatest size advantage. On top of that she actually has the strength to do poo poo like tear peoples limbs off with her jaws. I may, in fact, run a biter Yeti next tournament to see how it plays out. Pickled Tink fucked around with this message at 20:47 on Apr 5, 2016 |
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Apr 5, 2016 20:39
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I stand by my statement 
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Apr 5, 2016 20:49
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I have a soft spot for Lightly Whipped. They set out to do something, and by gum they're going to stick it out to the end come hell or high water. I can respect and admire that, I'm just not going to bet money on them.
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Apr 6, 2016 00:19
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Spermy Smurf posted:And why Krog Bonesmasha got his rear end handed to him by Sun Tzu.
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Apr 7, 2016 00:46
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I am continuing my fine tradition of not updating my gladiator for a seventh round in a row. Also, my tradition of betting all my money on my own team, because that has worked well so far and I am not in the poorhouse.
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Apr 12, 2016 00:16
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SynthOrange posted:wait 7x50... thats a fuckload of points. What are you saving for?
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Apr 12, 2016 02:16
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If we are talking fantasy team match-ups, I'd like to see all the tournaments Yetis (All three of them) against Lightly Whipped.
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Apr 13, 2016 00:16
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I'm glad to see Abominable's build is still proving effective even after so many rounds of not improving it.
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Apr 16, 2016 00:49
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Jazzimus Prime posted:
I propose that in the event there is a more than two team tie for the final spots, we just stick all the teams in one arena and make them fight. We can even put Lightly Whipped in the middle as bait.
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Apr 16, 2016 08:16
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AJ_Impy posted:End of the round, and end of the interdivisionals. How did each fortress fare against the others? Total wins by division: Boatmurdered: 29 (11, 9, 6, 3) Gemclod: 32 (11,9,7,5) Syrupleaf: 33 (11,9,7,6) Bronzestabbed: 26 (13,8,5,0) By wins, Syrupleaf is the best division.
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Apr 26, 2016 11:24
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Fuubi posted:Speaking of which, and for completely unrelated reasons, where would you more lore-knowledgable people say the Arena Challenge takes place?
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May 9, 2016 19:11
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You know what, I'm willing to volunteer to run fights.
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May 9, 2016 21:03
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I went to bed before I got promoted. I have run a fight and am working on the writeup. This is a lot of work when I don't have all the proper tools, and had to learn how to use and run macro's on the fly.
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May 10, 2016 10:31
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 Round 16, Fight 8 Subterranean Animists (13-2), the home team, is on the left side of the arena. Braun Strowman (Frozen_Flame) is a female soldier ant woman. She wields an iron short sword and two copper short swords and wears an iron helm, two copper mail shirts, iron leggings, and iron gauntlets. Baldwin (captaindirtnap) is a male dwarf. He wields an iron spear and a wooden shield and wears an iron helm, leather armor, an iron mail shirt, leather leggings, iron gauntlets, and steel low boots. Qwarf (C7ty1) is a male dwarf. He wields an iron spear and a wooden shield and wears an iron helm, an iron breast plate, iron greaves, and steel gauntlets. Dusseldwarf (decoy badger) is a female dwarf. She wields an iron spear and a wooden shield and wears an iron helm, an iron mail shirt, iron leggings, iron gauntlets, and iron low boots. Lightly Whipped (0-15), the visiting team, is on the right side of the arena. Ghost-trees (jon joe) is a male molemarian. He wields a copper flail and a wooden buckler and wears a copper mail shirt. Trump's Viscous Discharge (goatface) is a female minotaur. She is empty handed and wears a bronze helm, leather armor, a bronze mail shirt, and bronze high boots. Grimmik (FillInTheBlank) is a male gremlin. He wields a silver whip and wears an iron helm. Jupis Tooki McGannel (GreyPowerVan) is a male strangler. He wields a copper whip and a wooden shield and wears a copper helm, a copper mail shirt, leather gauntlets, and leather high boots. Subterranean Animists is a 13.55 to 1 betting favorite in this match with 15415.00 dwarfbucks in total bets placed on them, compared to 1138.00 dwarfbucks for Lightly Whipped.  Here they are, lined up for the fight. The Animists on the left, chomping at the bit and ready to eviscerate, and the brave members of Lightly Whipped on the right, who are looking glum since they were just informed that their contracts run for another two matches after this one and there is no escape clause.  And they clash in the centre, with Ghost-trees and Braun Strowman coming together, and Braun's sword immediately removing Ghost-tree's head. Well, that was fast. Meanwhile Dusseldwarf stabs Grimmick in the lower body, severing his spine. Grimmick tries to attack Dusseldwarf and Qwarf but they swat aside his attempts with ease. Braun then turns her attention to the Minotaur, Trump, and stabs her in the upper body, but she responds by lowering his head and goring her in the abdomen with her horns, bruising her guts and cracking open her chitin. Baldwin stabs Trump in the upper body with his spear in an attempt to distract Trump who is busy fondling Braun's head.  Speaking of heads, Qwarf has bitten Grimmik in the head and is shaking him around with his teeth, sending blood everywhere. At first I thought he was enraged, but no, it just turns out he hadn't had breakfast before the battle. A note to all the managers: Please feed your Gladiators before the battle. Dusseldwarf slices off the stricken gremlins arm just to make matters worse for the poor creature. The poor gremlin finally passes out from the pain, and Dusseldwarf cuts him in half with his spear.  Trump lashes out at Braun once again, but she manages to deflect it with her head before engaging in the Antwoman Secret Battle Technique of vomiting all over herself in an attempt to be too disgusting to attack. It works and Trump turns to attack Baldwin, who blocks her strike and stabs her in the foot, sending her both to the floor and to unconsciousness from the pain. Baldwin then skewers Trump through the head, finishing the Minotaur. It is now the three dwarves against Jupis to the south of the arena. Meanwhile Braun continues vomiting all over herself. There aren't even any enemies near her anymore. Antwomen are weird.  Jupis proceeds to provide an amazing demonstration of evasive fighting, leaping away from Dwarven strikes and catching blows on her shield, but it cannot last. Dusseldwarf scores the first breakthrough, sending her spear through one of the Strangler's arms and sending blood gushing from the wound. Despite this Jupis managed to block and parry the next three blows before Qwarf gets his spear through his defenses, removing his left leg below the knee. Baldwin compounds this by putting his spear into Jupis's right leg, shattering the bone and sending even more blood spraying from another severed artery as the strangler falls to the floor. Qwarf stabs Jupis in the spine and the strangler loses hold of his weapon and shield. A moment later he loses hold of his teeth as well when Baldwin kicks them out. Look, the fight is over now. Just put the poor bastard out of his misery. There is no need for this. Ignoring my pleas for mercy upon the broken Jupis, Qwarf and Dusseldwarf simultaneously slice off the poor creatures left hands with their spears.  Finally, Jupis manages to escape their macabre game when he manages to bleed to death. Qwarf is awarded the kill. The crowd cheers as Braun vomits all over herself again.  Subterranian Animists defeated Lightly Whipped 4-0. Kills: Braun Strowman: 1 Baldwin: 1 Qwarf: 1 Dusseldwarf: 1 Pickled Tink fucked around with this message at 15:00 on May 10, 2016 |
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May 10, 2016 11:30
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goatface posted:TVD is a lady.
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May 10, 2016 15:01
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Ah gently caress. I ran Heavyweight Horrorshow VS Worse Munki, but by the time I finished writing it up, it appears someone else had gone in and beaten me to submitting the results. Worse still, my one apparently went the other way 
Pickled Tink fucked around with this message at 14:25 on May 11, 2016 |
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May 11, 2016 14:17
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It looks like it is my own damned fault for running the fight, then waiting until after I had everything ready and written up to try and submit the results. It is really disheartening to lose three and a half hours of work though (Plus another two of breaks and dinner).
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May 11, 2016 14:55
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Spermy Smurf posted:Tinkled, post the fight here. It's way better written than mine. Just mark it as not-the-real-one or something. Make it for funsies. THIS IS NOT CANON Team 13: Heavyweight Horrorshow (6-9), the home team, is on the left side of the arena. Here comes Mongo! (Endorph) is a male troll. He is empty handed and wears a leather cap, a copper mail shirt, leather leggings, leather gauntlets, and leather high boots. sn (ZeeToo) is a male molemarian. He wields a copper spear and wears a bronze helm, a bronze mail shirt, a copper breast plate, bronze greaves, bronze gauntlets, and bronze high boots. Face (Godna) is a male troll. He wields a copper two-handed sword and wears a silver cap, an iron breast plate, iron greaves, and silver high boots. Jakob (frankenfreak) is a male werewolf. He wields a bronze mace and wears a copper helm, leather armor, an iron mail shirt, leather gauntlets, and leather high boots. Worse Munki (11-4), the visiting team, is on the right side of the arena. Experiment Twenty-Two (fallingdownjoe) is a female tigerman. She wields an iron long sword and wears an iron helm, leather armor, and an iron mail shirt. Strangler Than Fiction (Tunicate) is a female strangler. She is empty handed and wears an iron helm, leather armor, a copper mail shirt, a steel mail shirt, bronze gauntlets, and copper low boots. SRIRACHA FARTSTORM RETURNS (Pittsburgh Lambic) is a male elf. He wields a silver war hammer and wears leather leggings and leather high boots. Chaz Steadyfist (Segway Rave) is a male werewolf. He wields an iron halberd and a wooden shield and wears a silver helm, leather armor, leather leggings, and leather gauntlets. Worse Munki is a 2.06 to 1 betting favorite in this match with 6358.00 dwarfbucks in total bets placed on them, compared to 3085.00 dwarfbucks for Team 13: Heavyweight Horrorshow.  Look! Peoples bets! Never let it be said that I don't listen to the complaints of readers. I just often choose to dismiss them.  And here we are. On the left we have the home team, Heavyweight Horrorshow looking to score an upset against Worse Munki. They have not bribed me however. On the right we have Worse Munki, the favourites going into this match. Like their opponents, they have neglected to bribe me as well. Seriously, I have very reasonable bribe packages.  The gladiators charge towards the centre, with SRIRACHA in the lead. He opens hostilities on this tragically bribe free match with a blow to Jakob's leg that bruises muscle before he parries the werewolf's counterstroke before dodging away from the approaching Mongo. Mongo then sets his eyes on Strangler Than Fiction. "MOUSEY?!" Mongo exclaims, grabbing the strangler with his left hand and drawing her close. "MONGO PET MOUSEY!" "I AM NOT A MOUSE!" Strangler Than Fiction screams as she bites him in the hand. "I WILL CALL YOU GEORGE AND I WILL HUG YOU AND PET YOU AND SQUEEZE YOU..." Mongo cries as he rubbed his face against the strangler, bruising her leg. Experiment Twenty-Two was not impressed to see her teammate being savagely hugged by the towering Troll and stabbed him in the left leg, tearing the muscle and sending the behemoth to the floor, making his release the poor strangler, who had barely a moment to savour her freedom before Face came in from the side and slashed her across her left leg, sending her down to the floor besides her tormentor. Meanwhile, SRIRACHA charges Jakob, but the werewolf braces himself and the elf bounces off and topples to the floor. He then has to quickly parry an attack from sn the Molemarian as he comes in stabbing with his spear. Jakob turns away from the downed elf and attacks CHaz Steadyfist with a swing of his mace that the other werewolf catches on his shiled before delivering a shallow gash to Jakob's hand. Capitalising on this, Chaz charges Jakob and knocks him sprawling to the floor.  Face swings his sword at the grounded Strangler Than Fiction, but she manages to twist enough to prevent it from cutting through her steel mail shirt. Unfortunately this brings her back within Mongo's reach and he grabs her by the ear, drawing her close again, despite her desperate biting. "...AND PAT HIM AND PET HIM..." Mongo continues as he draws the poor strangler in close once again, and presses his head up against hers and accidentally crushes her head to goo with his tusk.  "...AND RUB HIM AND CARESS HIM..." Mongo continued until with a terrible crack, Chaz Steadyfist buried his halberd in Mongo's skull. "...WHERE MOUSEY?" exclaimed the confused (And concussed) Mongo as Chaz tried to pull out his embedded weapon. The trolls eyes fall upon Experiment Twenty-Two and he growls "KITTY ATE MONGO'S MOUSEY! GIVE BACK!" and grabbed the Tigerwomans tooth, trying to pry open her jaws. Desperately she slices off one of his tusks with her iron sword, but before she can do anything else, Face drags his sword across her right leg and sending her to the floor as she passes out from pain. Meanwhile, SRIRACHA and Chaz team up to attack Jakob, with SRIRACHA smashing him in the guts with her war hammer and Chaz stabbing him in the leg. With his leg broken, Jakob falls to the floor and SRIRACHA goes to town on him, shattering his ankle and smashing his spine before knocking him out with a blow to the head. As this beating proceeds, so too does the beating of Experiment Twenty-Two with Mongo biting the unconscious Tigerwoman and shaking her about as Face and sn try to smash through her iron helmet. Things are looking pretty bad for the Tigerwoman when Chaz departs the skirmish against the now broken werewolf Jakob and attacks Mongo from behind, slashing him across the neck the neck before splitting his head in two with his next swing of the iron halberd.  A few moments later SRIRACHA smashes Jakob's head in with her hammer.  A short time later sn finally manages to breach the helmet of Experiment Twenty-Two and send her to join the ranks of the dead.  Chaz Steadyfist advances on face, determined to put down the swordtroll for good, but his attacks fail to breach the beasts armour. SRIRACHA joins him and shows him how it is done, slamming her hammer into the trolls right leg and sending him to the floor and unconsciousness. With the beast lowered to the ground thus, Chaz has no problem splitting the second trolls head in half with his halberd. All that remains between the Worse Munki and victory is sn the armoured Molemarian. Unlike the rest of his team, sn knows how to fight. He also knows how to not pass out from pain. Will this be the path to victory? sn drives SRIRACHA back with a spear thrust, then parries Chaz's halberd. Chaz responds to this by ineffectually biting sn in the helmet. No! Bad Chaz! Molemarians are ugly enough already without being infected with lycanthropy! Keep your teeth to yourself! Chaz, not deterred by my cries from the commentary box, leans in and brings his mouth to sn's and... oh my god... oh my god is he KISSING sn?! Startled by this, sn wrenches himself backwards, losing a bunch of teeth to Chaz's unorthodox and unnatural assault. Infuriated by his rejection, Chaz swings his halberd and knocks out one of sn's incisors before throwing himself at the mortified molemarian, knocking him to the floor. sn stands up quickly and desperately stabs his spear at the demented werewolf, striking him in the arm and tearing muscle, severing nerves, and slicing open an artery. Chaz looks down at the wound in shock and betrayal as his halberd slips from his grasp and falls to the floor, and then passes out from pain to land beside it. It is now down to two gladiators. On one side is SRIRACHA FARTSTORM RETURNS the elf, armed with his silver war hammer. On the other is sn the molemarian, armed with a copper spear. The two gladiators trade blows, neither giving ground to the other until , some minutes later, SRIRACHA manages to land a solid blow to sn and severs his spinal cord. The Molemarian falls to the ground and drops his spear. Chaz takes his time with his downed opponent, beating him evenly across the body, the rhythmic sound of metal on meat punctuated by the sound of bones shattering under the onslaught. sn, defeated, just lays there laughing as the elf pulps his left front foot, and then smashes his right arm to gore as well. Then his left hand is crushed to paste. Infuriated by the molemarians laughter, SRIRACHA smashes sn's nose to paste, then scratches it off entirely before crushing the molemarians mouth and tongue. with two more blows. Another reduces his right ear to ruin, before he crushes the creatures right hand. Finally, tiring after this savagery, SRIRACHA brings his hammer down on sn's head, finally killing the poor creature. Worse Munki defeats Heavyweight Horrorshow 4 to 2.  Kills: Mongo: 1 sn: 1 Chaz Steadyfist: 2 SRIRACHA FARTSTORM RETURNS: 2 THAT WAS NOT CANON
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May 11, 2016 15:15
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Jazzimus Prime posted:I'll try to figure out a way for commissioners to reserve matches so that this doesn't come up again. It's something I had talked about implementing before, but I never got around to it.
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May 11, 2016 19:24
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I'm staking a claim to running the Petting Zoo vs Furry Farmer Cows fight tomorrow (Too tired presently). I assure you all that I have nothing but the best of intentions and will totally not rig the match for the purposes of revenge.
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May 12, 2016 14:10
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Petting Zoo vs Furry Farmer Cows has been run. Starting the write up process now. Expect large delays due to sloth and/or dinner. To the other commissioners: This means do not run the fight. I'm looking at you Spermy! 
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May 13, 2016 08:27
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An Ant woman walks into the Petting Zoo's changing room twenty minutes before the match is due to start and hesitates just inside the door. Something is wrong, the lights are out. Suddenly a bag gets thrown over her head and a deep voice that sounds like it is made of gravel speaks to her. "Commissioner Tink is verra upset" Five minutes later, Pickled Tink's office "I'm sorry that things had to come to this, Antwoman, but your manager has greatly irked me recently, and I have to exact a penalty if I do not wish to appear weak. You will remain here as my guest for the bout, thus ensuring your teams defeat." the new Commissioner said as they tidied the papers off thier desk. "Oh, and there is no need to be barbarians about it", the commissioner continued, then spoke to the hired help. "You may as well remove the bag from her head." Pickled Tink's breath caught in their throat as the bag came off revealing the Ant womans face, and their own face went red with rage. "YOU IDIOT! THIS ISN'T ANTWOMAN! YOU'VE GONE AND KIDNAPPED HER STUNT DOUBLE! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! YOU'RE FIRED!" ---//--- Round 16, Fight 4 The Petting Zoo (9-6), the home team, is on the left side of the arena. Antwoman (Spermy Smurf) is a female soldier ant woman. She wields an iron large dagger, a copper large dagger, and a bronze large dagger and wears an iron helm, a copper mail shirt, copper greaves, copper gauntlets, and copper low boots. A Lost Cowman (Locomotive breath) is a male minotaur. He is empty handed and wears a silver helm, leather armor, a steel mail shirt, copper greaves, iron gauntlets, and iron low boots. Simon Belmole (Ablative) is a male molemarian. He wields a copper scourge and wears a copper helm, two copper mail shirts, copper gauntlets, and copper high boots. Stephen Harper (ChickenWing) is a male serpent man. He wields a silver war hammer and a wooden shield and wears a copper cap, an iron mail shirt, leather gauntlets, and leather high boots. A furry, a farmer, and two cows (5-10), the visiting team, is on the right side of the arena. Goku (Galick) is a male tigerman. He is empty handed and wears an iron cap, an iron mail shirt, and leather high boots. Dontellim Pike (John Charity Spring) is a male human. He wields an iron pike and wears an iron helm, leather armor, an iron mail shirt, leather leggings, leather gauntlets, and leather high boots. Min/Maxotaur (Anchors) is a female minotaur. She wields a copper large dagger and a wooden buckler and wears a copper helm, three copper mail shirts, a copper breast plate, copper greaves, copper gauntlets, and copper high boots. Rob Ford (Tirius) is a male minotaur. He wields an iron two-handed sword and a wooden shield and wears a copper helm, an iron mail shirt, copper leggings, copper gauntlets, and leather high boots. The Petting Zoo is a 6.19 to 1 betting favorite in this match with 15445.00 dwarfbucks in total bets placed on them, compared to 2497.00 dwarfbucks for A furry, a farmer, and two cows.   On the left we have the despicable Petting Zoo, who are inexplicably the crowd favourites and fighting at home. On the right we have the visiting team A furry, a farmer, and two cows, underdogs and heroes. And they are off, charging towards the centre of the arena to do battle.  A Lost Cowman makes the first attack of the battle, swinging his fist at Min/Maxotaur, who makes the first dodge of the battle. First blood goes to Dontellim Pike, who capitalises on A Lost Cowman's distraction to stab him in the foot, jamming his pike in the Zoo Minotaurs skin. Goku grabs Antwoman's copper gauntlet as she scratches Min/Maxotaur's greaves with her iron dagger, then he punches her in the second right hand, exploding the limb into ruin and gore, earning himself a reward from the commissioner and causing antblood to flow freely. Stephen Harper slithers up to Rob Ford and breaks the minotaurs right foot with his silver war hammer as he swung at Simon Belmole, who parried the strike with his scourge before retaliating with it. Rob Ford catches the blow on his shield, but it is too much and overbalances him on his injured foot and he falls to the floor. Antwoman, while injured badly by Goku, does not let this stop her from slashing him across the left lower leg, breaking the bone, opening up the artery, and severing ligaments and tendons. As he falls to the ground A Lost Cowman lands a bruising punch on his left arm. Not giving up, Goku heroically takes down Antwoman with his grip on her gauntlet, and she barely manages to parry Min/Maxotaur's dagger strike with her own as she regains her feet and then cowardly stabs the fallen Goku in the left leg once more, breaking his femur. Goku screams with pain before he passes out. Meanwhile, the grounded Rob Ford attempts to gore Simon Belmole in the left arm, but cannot do anything against the Molemarians gauntlet. Simon turns and brings his scourge down on Rob Ford's head, and the sound of his skull fracturing can be heard from the stands. This is too much for the minotaur and his eyes roll up into his head as he slumps unmoving to the ground, unconscious. Dontellim Pike, having freed his pike from the foot of A Lost Cowman, attempts once again to bring the behemoth down with a stab at the minotaurs face, slicing his tongue in half. The pike gets tangled in the mess of tissue and Dontelim Pike wrenches it free, but not in time to prevent the minotaur from punching him in the arm. Meanwhile, Stephen Harper is beating the fallen Rob Ford with his tail. The Serpent man seems to realise he is getting nowhere with this approach and switches to his hammer. After a number of blows Rob Ford's head collapses into a misshapen bloody lump. Min/Maxotaur seems to have seen that I am offering a reward for killing Antwoman and charges at her. As an unrelated aside, Jazzimus has made it fairly hard to hack the scoreboard to instead display messages declaring monetary rewards for certain specific acts of gruesome murder. Antwoman leaps to the side as Min/Maxotaur charges past, but the minotaur turns around and charges her again, quickly, knocking her to the floor and sending her tumbling. Antwoman regains her feet in time to stab Min/Maxotaur in the left arm, sending the minotaurs blood and buckler to the arena floor. Another stab to the left hand sends her to the ground in pain. The last remaining conscious visitor, Dontellim Pike finds himself hard pressed by A Lost Cowman, Stephen Harper and Simon Belmole. It is only a matter of time before he fails to block a stike, and that comes sooner rather than later as Simon Belmole's scourge tears apart the muscles of his left foot. He falls to the ground, fighting desperately to stay alive, but Antwoman turns away from the downed minotaur and delivers a brutal slash to his right arm, almost severing it. As this happens A lost Cowman puts his leg in a lock and collapses his hip into paste, while Simon Belmole lashes him in the guts with his scourge. Stephen Harper then delivers a hammer blow to the stricken human's arm. It is too much, he vomits and passes out from the pain. All three remaining members of A furry, a farmer, and two cows are now unconscious. Stephen Harper crushes Dontellim Pike' head with his hammer, while Antwoman walks over and stabs Min/Maxotaur in the head with her dagger.   With them both dead they turn and advance on Goku, who regains consciousness long enough to swear before passing out once again as the four members of The Petting Zoo stand over him. Antwoman cuts off his head.  The Petting Zoo defeats A furry, a farmer, and two cows 4-0. Kills: Antwoman: 2 Stephen Harper: 2 Combat Log: Link ---//--- In the Commissioners box Pickled Tink snarled, then picked up the phone and dialed a number they had received earlier that day. After a few rings a synthesised voice answered the phone and spoke "You have reached Munki's Mercenaries. Please specify your requirements." "I need your best people to go into the arena and kill that bloody Antwoman!" the Commissioner growled. "We have a squad of Trolls available. Experienced, armoured, well trained. The cost will be 1000 dwarfbucks each, plus a 500 dwarfbuck penalty fee for any injuries sustained." Pickled Tink checked their wallet and cursed. "What can you give me for a tenner?" Back in the Arena  Oh my god! In a shocking twist, six gremlin gangsters have charged into the arena, eager to make a name (And a few bucks) by killing a victorious gladiator team! The Petting Zoo turned to face the oncoming hooligans, who were hooting and hollering as they waved their wooden flails around above their heads. As they clashed, Antwoman slashed the leg off the leader with one dagger stroke and sent another strike through his chest, cleaving apart both his lungs. The gremlin corpse fell to the ground in an expanding pool of blood and she stepped over it to engage one of his friends. To the side, Simon Belmole removed ones arm with his scourge before bringing his weapon back around with a flick of his wrist, splitting the gremlins head open. Temporarily blinded by the blood flowing into his eyes, the gremlin failed to dodge when Simon Belmole's jaws closed over his head, the force of the bite knocking him unconscious. This was probably a mercy as the savage molemarian started shaking the tiny figure about in his jaws. A Lost Cowman, angered by the intrusion, charges one of the gremlins to the ground before smashing him repeatedly into the floor and then breaking his shoulder before goring him in the spleen and throwing him across the arena floor. Stephen Harper smashed one of the silly gremlins in the ankle before biting his nose off and injecting the poor creature with his paralytic venom. The immobilised gremlin falls to the ground eyes wide with fear before Stephen Harper's hammer flattens its head.  The gremlin facing Antwoman received two simultaneous stabs to his right hand and hip. Before he could fall to the ground, Antwoman sliced off his arm and his ear. Then Simon Belmole's scourge came out from the side and removed the gremlins head before tearing the head off the gremlin in his jaws with his teeth. She scowls at his disgustingly before bending down and slicing the head off the gremlin A Lost Cowman had thrown. With a final thud, Stephen Harper crushes the head of the final gremlin, and my hopes of revenge. ---//--- You win this time Spermy Smurf! 
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May 13, 2016 11:57
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Spermy Smurf posted:Doublepost!
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May 13, 2016 14:19
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Jazzimus Prime posted:
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May 14, 2016 16:36
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Spermy Smurf posted:gently caress, I thought we were hometeam against Hells Dentists. Welp.
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May 17, 2016 04:46
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I have run Worse Munki VS This Bites, but I need more sleep so you can all wait for it.
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May 17, 2016 17:35
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Spermy Smurf posted:I am running that fight right now just to piss you off.  ---//--- Round 17, Fight 1 Worse Munki (11-5), the home team, is on the left side of the arena. Experiment Twenty-Two (fallingdownjoe) is a female tigerman. She wields an iron long sword and wears an iron helm, leather armor, an iron mail shirt, and iron gauntlets. Strangler Than Fiction (Tunicate) is a female strangler. She is empty handed and wears an iron helm, leather armor, a steel mail shirt, a copper mail shirt, copper leggings, bronze gauntlets, and copper low boots. SRIRACHA FARTSTORM RETURNS (Pittsburgh Lambic) is a male elf. He wields a silver war hammer and wears leather leggings and leather high boots. Chaz Steadyfist (Segway Rave) is a male werewolf. He wields an iron halberd and a wooden shield and wears a silver helm, leather armor, leather leggings, and leather gauntlets. This Bites (4-12), the visiting team, is on the right side of the arena. Knife Toseeu (synthorange) is a female strangler. She is empty handed and wears a bronze cap and a copper mail shirt. Sun Tzulander the Philomodel (Keru) is a male elf. He is empty handed and wears a leather cap, a silver mail shirt, copper leggings, silver gauntlets, and platinum low boots. Roland Gorchnik (Maarak) is a male human. He wields a copper scourge and wears an iron cap, leather armor, an iron mail shirt, leather gauntlets, and leather low boots. Eyeteeth IV (Revenant Threshold) is a male werewolf. He wields a copper shield and wears an iron helm, leather armor, an iron mail shirt, iron greaves, and copper high boots. Time for some Pre-Match announcements. First: If any of you parked your car in the north lot, I am afraid that it was, in fact, a barge and your car is now on its way to China. Since none of you are willing to bribe me, I have to make ends meet somehow. Secondly, the Commissioner would like to apologise for the lateness of the fight, but someone (Probably Spermy) switched my stimulants for the sedatives I was trying to sneak into the Stranglers food bowls.  Worse Munki is a 4.79 to 1 betting favorite in this match with 14386.00 dwarfbucks in total bets placed on them, compared to 3006.00 dwarfbucks for This Bites.  And here we have it. Both teams have entered the arena, and on the left we have the home team Worse Munki, which I am told I have never met before, and on the right we have the visiting team, This Bites. Oh dear, those stranglers look all jittery and feisty. What have you done Spermy? The starting siren sounds and the teams advance on one another. The two elves are the first to meet, with SRIRACHA swinging his silver hammer at Sun Tzulander, who leaps aside and into the jaws of Strangler Than Fiction, whos jaws close with amazing force on the elfs silver gauntlet. Before SRIRACHA can capitalise on the other elfs misfortune, he has to duck under a strike from Roland Gorchnik that might have taken his head off. Sun Tzulander has no time to dislodge his limpet strangler as Experiment Twenty-Two arrives on the scene. He punches at her, bruising her arm before she passes him on by. He then hears the renewed sounds of strangler growling and looks down at his arm in alarm, but it is not coming from Strangler Than Fiction, but instead from Knife Toseeu, his own teams pet strangler, as she attempts to take a chunk out of the male stranglers foot. Despite her enthusiasm, however, her teeth slide off his boot. Meanwhle, the two werewolves, Chaz Steadyfist and Eyeteeth IV meet in the middle and begin a duel. For the moment they seem evenly matched, neither being able to land a blow on the other.  Sun Tzulander, finally alone with a moment to collect himself, reaches down and pries Strangler Than Fiction's jaws off his arm. He barely has time to shake the circulation back into the limb before Strangler Than Fictioon, now frothing at the mouth and screaming incoherently, bites into his lower body through his silver mail shirt and shakes about so frantically that he manages to shake himself off, though not before doing some damage as blood can now be seen seeping through Sun Tzulander's mail. In a fight that does not (presently) involve a strangler, SRIRACHA FARTSTORM RETURNS charges at Roland Gorchnik and the two tangle and fall to the ground together. Roland is the first to find his feet, however, and lashes SRIRACHA in the left arm, severing an artery and, it seems, a bunch of nerves. With his left arm useless, he sees a strangler approaching and frantically tries to block Knife Toseeu's jaws with his right arm, which succeeds only in ensuring that it is his right arm locked in the jaws of the creature instead of his face. This is only a marginal improvement, however, since Knife Toseeu shakes his arm about in her jaws, shredding skin, muscle, nerves, and ligaments as she tears a bloody chunk out of his arm and swallows it as the hammer falls from his now useless fingers. Werewolf Update: They are still getting nowhere with their battle, but they do seem to be trading information on which cosmetics they use between blows. Eyeteeth is apparently envious of how silky and sleek Chaz keeps his fur. Likewise Chaz is impressed by how clean Eyeteeth keeps his teeth. The secret is apparently, according to the arena microphones, Armok Brand Dog Chews. Armok Brand Dog Chews: Great, even if you are only a dog during a full moon. Cha-Ching. That's another fifty bucks in sponsorship fees. I'll be able to eat tonight! You have to feel sorry for Sun Tzulander, he's stuck dealing with a berserk, and possibly rabid, strangler and nothing he can do seems to even slow the creepy little bastard down. Strangler Than Fiction just bit him in the upper body so hard that it looks like he has a bruised lung from the way he is wheezing and beating on it. The little strangler then finally lets go and, before Sun Tzulander can draw a fresh breath into his battered lungs, bites him in the right arm. This is too much for the beleaguered elf who passes out from pain and shock. Chaz politely disengages from Eyeteeth and splits the elfs head in half with his halberd.  Things are not looking good for Worse Munki's elf either, when Roland Gorchnik lashes off his entire right arm with his copper scourge. The elf retains his footing despite that wound before a second lash from the scourge overhwlems him and he passes out from pain. Roland then starts the work of attempting to kill the downed elf. With Chaz momentarily distracted shaking the blood off his halberd, and Experiment Twenty-Two briefly distracted by a stranglers teeth sliding off her iron helmet Eyeteeth IV charges at the tiger woman and bounces off her. She turns to see what hit her at just the wrong time and Knife Toseeu sinks her teeth into her leg. Before Eyeteeth can capitalise on this, however, Strangler Than Fiction bites him in the right arm tearing at the muscle, possibly infecting him with Stranglanthropy, or more likely just rabies. Eyeteeth and Experiment Twenty-Two share a glance that has a lot to say about their mutual dislike of stranglers as they prise the annoying little vermin off them, then both of them share another pained look when the stranglers both bite right on back in. Naturally, Experiment Twenty-Two is sick of this poo poo and uses her sword to lop off Knife Toseeu's first aright arm at the shoulder. Likewise, Eyeteeth IV is also sick of this poo poo and charges Strangler Than Fiction to the ground. Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for the strangler, Chaz picks this moment to come up behind him and hacks off his left hind paw, sending Eyeteeth to the floor just in front of the strangler. Chaz then drives his halberd into Eyeteeth's lower body, embedding his weapon in the fallen werewolfs guts. Nausea and pain flicker across Eyeteeth's face quickly before pain wins and he passes out. Experiment Twenty-Two drives her sword into his head, but it skips off his skull and merely opens a gash. Suddenly there is a loud cracking splat off to one side, and Roland Gorchnik rises from the body of SRIRACHA, who's head has finally split in half under his assault. He then heads over to the main fight where Experiment Twenty-Two, Chaz Steadyfist, and Strangler Than Fiction are all beating, biting, and stabbing at Eyeteeth's unconscious form. He lashes Experiment Twenty-Two in the right hind paw, tearing the nerves and an artery and dropping the tiger woman to the ground. Knife Toseeu then botes her in the right forepaw severing a motor nerve, and loses her second left hand to the tiger womans sword for her trouble. Any chance for a turnaround for the visiting team is then crushed when Chaz manages to cut off Eyeteeth's head. Strangler Than Fiction rushes over at Knife Toseeu and they start a biting and scratching brawl. Or at least that is what I hope it is, for all I know they might be attempting to mate. Evidently Experiment Twenty-Two shares my concerns and, lacking a bucket of water to throw over them, settles for stabbing at the female strangler, managing to lop off one of her toes. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back and Knife Toseeu passes out, from pain or blood loss I do not know. Then Chaz leans in and chops off the stranglers head, stealing his third kill of the match.  It is now Three members of Worse Munki against Roland Gorchnik of This Bites. Can he do it? Possibly! (no) Strangler Than Fiction[ bites him in the hand before Chaz charges him to the ground and stabs him in the right hand, shredding nerves, muscle, and sending blood pouring to the arena floor. Despite this, Roland regains his feet and attacks the downed Experiment Twenty-Two. She rolls away from the strike, however, and brings her sword up in a riposte that takes his right hand clean off. Roland Stares at his stump in shock when he should have been moving to one side and Chaz takes off his right leg below the knee as Experiment Twenty two slices his left foot off at the ankle. Roland falls to the ground and looks up in horror as Chaz stands over him and delivers a brutal overhand strike with his halberd reducing Roland's last good limb to ruin, and causing him to finally drop his copper scourge. Unsatisfied with merely disabling the limb, Experiment Twenty-Two slices off his left hand.  Above: Roland Gorchnik's wounds Despite all this, the human retains his awareness and botes Experiment Twenty-Two in the leg. It doesn't accomplish anything, but it is a worthy act of defiance from a brave man. Sadly, his strength finally fails him when Strangler Than Fiction bites him in what is left of his right arm and he passes out. Experiment Twenty-Two cuts off his head to claim the final kill and end the match, glaring at Chaz for his kill theivery.  A few moments later his head and limbs finally hit the ground and/or stop rolling  Worse Munki has defeated This Bites 4-1. Kills: Chaz Steadyfist: 3 Experiment Twenty-Two: 1 Roland Gorchnik: 1 Combat Log: Link Bets:  Oh, and I found SRIRACHA's lost arm after the match:  ---//--- I would like to apologise for taking so long to get this posted, but my sleep patterns got badly interrupted right before I ran the match and I have spent most of the last two days either asleep or so tired I would not have been able to post it at the standards I prefer. I finally got a few hours of proper solid consciousness going and banged it out quickly before my body could start sending sleep signals again.
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May 19, 2016 18:19
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Spermy Smurf posted:You guys didnt forget about this did you?
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May 23, 2016 04:21
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