Node posted:

Lowtax posted:

come back tasty, we miss you

Cowman posted:

How many people has this forum killed? What's our body count?

SmokaDustbowl posted:

this has to be one of the oldest communities by now

quakster posted:

webrings just never could adapt to the pressures of web 2.0

FIRST TIME posted:

Holy poo poo Fark is still around. Who the gently caress still posts there?

Cream-of-Plenty posted:

"Which Friends character are you most like?" I ask my date. I'm a witty guy who uses humour as a disarming mechanism (and, some might say, as a tool to masking my crippling insecurity), so I'd most likely be Chandler. But I'm smart like a scientist, so I could also be Ross. Finally, I'm klutzy and adorable--just like a Golden Retriever--so there are certainly hints of Joey inside of me. "I'm basically Chandler, Ross, and Joey." I loudly proclaim this fact, because confidence is an aphrodisiac.

Every six months, Staples performs an employee review on me and gives me anywhere between a $0.30 and $0.50 raise. This last review, my "upsells" were so high that the manager bumped me up $0.65. The trick is to target older customers and mislead them on their purchases. Thus, it only took me seven weeks to afford a pair of Toto elevator shoes, which added five more inches to my height. The problem is that the shoes don't do much once you sit down, so I've also been growing my hair out and using Axe molding clay to stand it straight up, which adds several more inches. All-in-all, I'm pretty close to my goal of adding another foot to my height.

Women love it.

"These are really great breadsticks," I complement the breadsticks. I keep eating them because, hey, free food. "Nom nom nom...hah!" She doesn't get it.

Actually, I can't help but notice that my date sits a little straighter (and therefore higher) than me. As I try to fit an entire breadstick into my mouth and chew it without also biting my tongue, I carefully eyeball the top of her head. She follows my eyes and touches her hair. "What?" she asks.

I squint and chew harder. Louder. Faster. I lean in. She smells like...cinnamon? No, nutmeg. It's hard to tell. My nose is stuffed up so I have to keep my mouth open while I chew. I suddenly imagine the ball of bread rolling around in my mouth like a load of dirty laundry and it makes me want to throw up.

"I'll be right back," I jump up from my seat and jog to the restroom. When I get there, inspiration strikes me like a bolt of divine lightning. "Eureka!" I start balling up paper towels and stuffing them into the back of my pants--I think I fit half of a roll down there. Then I waddle back to the table and quietly take a seat.

She looks mildly shocked. Or perturbed? I don't know, women are hard to read. "Are you...are you alright?" she asks.

"Who? Me? Yeah. Of course." My rear end crunches softly on stiff brown paper towels while I use her forehead as a ruler and try to estimate the height that they have added to my position. Maybe an inch--not bad, not bad. I lean forward. "Do you think there's a difference between, like...anime and manga?"

Suddenly a sharp pain hits my stomach. The breadsticks. They're interacting with the pot of lukewarm coffee I drank earlier. I wince as I feel a burning sensation running through my intestines like a G-scale model train. An "uh oh..." escapes my lips before I can stop it at the proverbial gates. I don't think I'm going to make it to the bathroom. But the paper towels. "...spaghettiooooos..." I force a smile.

I imagine a beleaguered General Adama facing down a whole Cylon army with nothing but a handful of fighters and flak guns. He meditates on the coming battle before finally saying, Alright, here goes nothing, Colonel Tigh. I close my eyes, hesitantly relax my rear end, and immediately feel a warm burbling rise up between my legs, just like I sat down in a pool of sun-baked mud or bread dough. The sensation persists for what feels like an eternity--the duration of which I am entirely silent. When it ends--mercifully--I let out a soft sigh.

When I open my eyes, I realize something very strange: I have risen another inch or so and am now looking slightly downward at my date. It is the most shocking and beautiful thing I could ever conceive of.

They say, "When god closes a door, he opens a window." I don't believe in god, but if I did, I'd swear he was with me that day.

naem posted:

SmokaDustbowl posted:

lowtax is Al dead?

naem posted:

Anne Frank Fanfic posted:

Whack shack duty. Night 134. At first I chased down individual whacker offers and had to threaten them with UCMJ. I thought they'd be scared straight so to speak. The next few nights they got smarter, using cover and concealment to their advantage in order to blow their hot loads all over this Holy Shi`ite Land. Now I just make a racket by rapping the side of the sheet metal wall with my rifle and watch as joes scamper from the whack shack, tripping over themselves with their trousers around their ankles and cum spurting from their still rock hard dicks. Another three caught today, that's another three Field Grade Jacking Off Article 15s to begin tomorrow.

Life wasn't this hard when jacking off wasn't banned in the 'stan, I guess the General was tired of seeing his hot young virile studs wasting their seed on the ground of this barren nation, he'd rather have the seed saved up and spread across the beautiful fields of amber grain in the good old U S of A. At first no one blamed him, how many of us wouldn't rather be jacking off at home, cumming where we please? But there's an enemy here. An enemy that doesn't want anyone cumming, here in their homeland or elsewhere. An enemy that stands against all erect dicks spurting justice from their swollen tips. An enemy that would sooner grab a jizzing dick at its hilt and sever it than allow us to have one more ejaculation of freedom.

a pipe smoking dog posted:

Who was the massive fat dude who hosed himself with a dildo so hard part of his rear end fell out in the shower?

black1abel posted:

that was pwn aka GE Cafe that fattest loving gently caress to ever grace these forums

Node posted:

This was the greatest moment of my life:

concerned mom posted:

welcome 2 my world

concerned mom posted:

i know a lot of people wont agree, but 2009ish-2011ish byob was a bit of a golden age because although it was relatively small, there was a very nice little friendly community who felt more like friends than posters and everyone got on well and were involved in each other's lives. it got a lot of stick, but its by far the most meaningful thing ive experienced on these forums and i hope all those great people who posted there around then are doing well now and still friends and i wish them all the best in the world

Iron Crowned posted:

Anyone remember that goon that would pretend to be a cat and crawl backwards out of the room whenever he got a boner while making out with a girl? I thought that was the best post ever.

Yolomon Wayne posted:

He got featured in recent paint threads i believe... SA doesnt forget.

Lumpy the Cook posted:

This http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=711267

Iron Crowned posted:

Link?

FIRST TIME posted:

Holy poo poo Fark is still around. Who the gently caress still posts there?

contrapants posted:

They probably say the same thing about SA.

quote:

When I met my girlfriend, she seemed like a perfect match. She appeared to be a deep and caring person who could look past the physical handicaps I have. You see, I suffer from two severe abnormalities. The abnormalities, located in my chest region and gravely serious (gynecomastia and galactorrhea), severely damaged my chances of finding friendship and made me sort of antisocial. The day I met her, I practically skipped home.

I have some weird brain things, and I'm a bit of a packrat. This sort of helps to explain some of my motivations, I think. A few years ago I read a post on SA describing someone keeping their semen in a water bottle. I don't remember the exact circumstances surrounding this somewhat disgusting hobby/collection, but I was sort of intrigued. I wondered how long it would take, with my regular schedule, to fill up a water bottle with my semen. It wasn't really a sex thing to me; I was just curious as to how long it'd take to fill up. I kept it hidden deep under my bed and surrounded it with shoeboxes, magazines, and anything else disposable I could find, and I only brought it out when I... erm, "relieved" myself.

Now, I'd say me and my girlfriend had been dating for a little over a year when she decided to move in. She was having some trouble at home, so I felt the least I could do was accommodate her. At this point, the bottle was probably halfway full and had a strange smell to it, but I didn't worry too much because she wasn't sleeping in my bedroom and even if she went in there, it would be incredibly hard to find unless you were looking something.

And therein laid the one, fatal flaw that ruined everything.

Apparently she "lost" something, and went through my room while I was visiting my grandmother. She got pretty far under my bed and found my little experiment. When I got home, she had this completely ludicrous look of disgust on her face and just started yelling about "WHAT THE HELL'S THIS" and "GOD IF THIS IS WHAT I THINK IT IS". I was incredibly embarrassed, but I knew if I was going to come out of the situation cool, I had to act as if I was more offended than her. I knew that I had to act that she was the one in the wrong (which she pretty much was).

I lunged at her and screamed some sort of weird combination of "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?! IS IT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?! WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO GO THROUGH MY PROPERTY?! CHILL OUT, BITCH!" She threw the bottle down, it cracked, and then she just stormed out of my house like that was the end.

It's been a day and she won't stop calling me. I know she probably wants to break up, but I am also certain that I can fix this. I mean, obviously nothing's going to work out in the long-term, but I can't leave this relationship without banging her at least once. So I have to ask you goons how you think I can fix this. Obviously, this seems sort of weird, and you might think I acted somewhat childish, but I didn't do anything wrong. I gave her a house. I have her food. I gave her love. Ignore all the strangeness that seems upsetting out-of-context, and look at this from my perspective.

I'm actually posting this from a fellow goon's house (who has asked to remain anonymous), because I'm afraid she's going to show up at my place before I get a strategy figured out. This whole situation is just utterly ridiculous.

quote:

A loose female acquaintance of mine calls me at 1:00am today and asks me if I could print something on the computer for her and bring it over in the afternoon. "Hey yeah sure sure, whatever you need I'll help you, I'm all yours," I tell her. She sends me this file and lo and behold I can't open it. It's made in Microsoft Publisher and I don't have that program so I begin panicing, trying to find this program or a way to print the file. Scouring the internet yields no results and I do my usual pacing in my room.

I finally come up with an idea and I tell the girl, if I can proceed with it. The plan was I would carry my printer about 2miles to her house, print out the needed pages, maybe talk to her a bit while I was there. I was hoping for at least a hug out of this ordeal.

By the time I get there, I'm wet all over from sweating in the +90 degree heat outside and carrying a heavy motherfucking HP Deskjet printer. The first thing I see upon entering her room (my first time in a girl's bedroom) are some panties on her bed. ... so I take her aside and try to explain I'm not crazy, just feeling like doing something wild and she was cute enough to inspire it. Turns out she was flattered by the sentiment (she says), but was dating someone else...just another thing I neglected to take into account when setting this up. Heh...not really that stinging, but still a let-down after all that.

quote:

I had this cloth jester puppet that I liked to use to entertain my little cousins. One day I was just idly fiddling with it in my bedroom when a brief thought came to mind: "Wouldn't it be funny to puppet play with your dick?" So after looking through a few magazines I had stored under my bed, I placed the fellow 'pon my erect member. It was actually pretty boring, but at this point I realized I had a decent vagina substitute. It needed to be lined with tissue on the inside to prevent friction from burning my fellow up, but after some lotion application, it worked just fine.

So there I was, humpin' a puppet while squeezing its midsection as if my life depended on it, when I hear a knock at my door. I begin to say "just a minute" when my dad walks in. He's frozen in place for a moment so I just scream the first half-excuse that comes to mind.

"Jeez it's chilly in here!"

He turns around and slowly leaves the room, quietly muttering that Kerry (a friend I had a crush on at the time) was waiting for me on the porch. Finishing up, I fix myself up and dazedly wander out onto the porch. She wants to talk about something going on at her house, but I'm on the verge of tears in shame. My stomach is twisting and turning and I notice that sour feeling in my cheeks before I can do anything but make a futile attempt to relieve myself in a non-humiliating way. I lean in to her face and quietly say while she's mid-sentence, "I've got to loving throw up."

I then try to run into my house, end up slipping on the rug inside, and fall right on my stomach. I throw up (though it was actually pretty small and mostly liquid as I hadn't eaten much that day) and start sobbing afterwards. She's just staring at me, and I can tell she half wants to comfort me and half wants to run away. My dad has come into the hallway where he could see me and is just standing there and looking at me with pure shame. I just kept sobbing.

On a positive note, I ended up selling the puppet at a yard sale to a really sweet autistic kid who lived in the neighborhood, so hopefully someone now has fond memories of that thing.

quote:

Once many years ago I posted on GBS about this girl in a wheelchair that I met in college. She was asian and cute and being in a wheelchair brought out these protective instincts in me. My thread about her blew up and was really popular and it made me super uncomfortable having goons always asking about her in that thread and completely un-related threads. So I lied and said we weren't together anymore.

That wasn't true though, and we actually almost got married. After a few years of dating, we were in bed together and she was sleeping and I was really turned on. Our sex life was pretty non-existent because she didn't have any feeling in her vagina, so we only had sex rarely, most often it was her giving me a blowjob. But this had all petered out over the last few months.

So I was feeling really turned on and I had always wanted to have anal sex, so this one night I couldn't stop myself. I lubed up my penis and slow put it into her butt. She couldn't feel it so she didn't wake up, and it turned me on more than anything to feel like I was doing something forbidden without her knowledge. I came almost instantly in her butt.

Over the next two weeks I proceeded to gently caress her butt every night after she was asleep, becoming more and more rough as she continued to not wake up. But then something unimaginable happened. She started complaining about having anal incontinence. She went to the doctor and the doctor didn't know what had changed, and said she'd probably just have to wear diapers.

I was too scared to tell her the truth, and so ashamed that I ended up breaking up with her. She probably thinks it was because she had to start wearing diapers, but I know the real reason.

quote:

Two days ago (sunday night) I cried myself to sleep. This girl (I will refer to her as Sarah) I have been obsessed with since 3rd grade threw a birthday party on saturday, it was a pretty casual house party, so people brought friends along, of course I was not invited (no girl would ever invite me to a party), but my friend asked me to come along, and of course I jumped at the opportuinity.

Around an hour into the party, it happened that me and Sarah were alone in the kitchen while others danced and talked in the living room. I was there to get a drink, and when I came in and saw her by the fridge, a deep shocking, sinking feeling almost paralysed me with fear, as I just stood there staring at her for about 5 seconds (I am absolutely TERRIFIED of females, especially Sarah, I had no idea she would be in there alone). When she looked at me I quickly glanced away in shame. After about 10 awkward seconds of me staring at the floor and her standing there awkwardly, she finally spoke.

"Uh, hi, you're frank, right?"
"No. Francis."
"Oh, but it's frank for short, right?"
"No."
"Sorry, I must have you confused with someone else."

I couldn't think of anything to say.

"Want a drink?"
"Yeah. Thanks.

She handed me a beer.

"I'M STRAIGHT EDGE!!"

I just tried to tell her I was straight edge (and therefore didn't drink), but I was so nervous when she approached me physically that it came out in what sounded like a confontational shout which totally wasn't what I intended.

"Sorry, uh there's a diet pepsi if you like"
"I don't drink diet soft drinks, they are carginogens."
"Oh.."

I couldn't stand the fear of being near her any more, so I scurried away and (again in that nervous shout) blurted out "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" and heard her say "thanks" as I walked back into the living room, up the stairs and into the bathroom where I literally collapsed and started shivering on the floor with fear, tears came from my eyes. After about 5 minutes of just lying there I composed myself and went downstairs again. For the rest of the party I pretty much avoided her and talked with some people I knew.

When me and my friend got back home to my house and played a little PS2 for about half an hour, he left and I said bye. It was at this point I realised he had left his cell phone. As I was about to call him to tell him, it suddenly struck me that he probably had Sarah's number on his phone. I literally sat there for 45 minutes shivering with both anticipation and fear as I saw the number across the screen, begging me to call.

Simple. I'd just call her up, apologise for the awkwardness and ask her if she wanted to get coffee some time. The only problem was this was about the scariest thing imaginable. I felt my body ache with fear as I tried to press the "CALL" button on the cell phone several times but was too scared. I got a disconnecting feeling as if none of this was actually happening to me, like maybe it was all a dream. When I finally got the courage to call, my heart raced as I heard the dial tone.

"Hello?"
"Hey, sorry about earlier, I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for coffee some time ?(WHAT THE gently caress was I thinking??)"
"Sorry, who is this calling?"

I (stupidly) hadn't anticipated she would ask who it was. the question caught me totally off guard. I thought of just saying my name, or giving a fake name, or shouting out "your worst loving nightmare", or avoiding the question, and a host of other ideas over the course of about 5 seconds. I was too stunned to even reply.

Another 5 seconds of silence.

"Are you still there?"
"Yeah...sorry, I.. it's"
"Oh, Francis right?
I was silent again
"Sorry yeah, I - I'm pretty busy lately but maybe- uh I'll call you another time if i get time to go out uh (I could regognize that she had no intention of calling me), what's your number?"
I gave her my number.
"Ok, well bye!"
"Bye."

As I hung up and put the phone down, the realization of what had just happened hit me like a wrecking ball, I collapsed on the sofa and fell asleep with exaustion. About 5 minutes later I get a call.

"Hello?"
A male voice.
"Is this francis?"
"Yeah uh who is this?"
"I'm just calling to give you a friendly warning, stay away from Sarah, okay? She's my girlfriend, and she has no interest in you whatsoever, you're a creep."

The realization and jealousy that she had a boyfriend, coupled with the shock and unexpectedness of this call filled me with rage.

"gently caress YOU YOU MOTHER F-UNCLE FUNK" I stuttered incomprehensibly with rage.
"Man you're hosed up in the head aren't you. I'm WARNING you, stay away."

He hung up.

I literally let out a massive scream of both sadness jealousy anger and fear that gripped my entire body. I went to bed and got about 2 hours of sleep.

The next (sunday) morning, I got up feeling like absolute poo poo. As I always do to when I feel terrible, I force myself to walk outside, go to the mall (5 min walk) where there are lots of people, and buy something or run into someone I know. I couldn't find anyone I knew, so I bought a milkshake and walked out the front enterance, where I saw something that made my heart skip.

Sarah and some guy (probably her boyfriend?) walking into the mall. I saw her glance with shock at me and quickly look away trying to make it seem as if she hadn't noticed me. I rushed towards her.

"SARAH!" I shouted

Her boyfriend turned around with shock and saw me.

"ARE YOU FRANCIS?" he asked angrily.

I stood there staring.

"Get out of here man, we don't want anything to do with you, understand?"

"gently caress YOU, THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY!"

As a rage overcameme me, I rushed forward and threw my milkshake as hard as I possibly could at the bastard, totally missing him and tripping over myself in the process. What happened next was the worst feeling I had ever felt.

Sarah stood there laughing at me. The expression on her beautiful face, half disgust half laughter made me feel terrible like I never imagined I could. I hated her guts at that moment.

"YOU oval office!" I yelled.

Her eyes widened, even her boyfriend looked shocked and the three of us stood there staring for maybe 5 seconds.

"YOU MOTHER loving oval office!!" I yelled as I rushed at her. She made made me feel so terrible it physically hurt in my stomach. I was about to loving attack her. I couldn't believe it. It was like some force was controlling me and like I had no control at all. God loving drat I'm stupid when I'm angry and upset. Before I could reach her, her boyfriend grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me to the ground.

"JUST GET OUT OF HERE YOU loving WEIRDO AND BE THANKFUL I DONT loving KILL YOU!!"

I rushed for him with every ounce of anger and strength in my body and groaned as his fist connected with my tummy, winding and incapacitating me. He stared for a second, as if he hadn't expected me to be so easily beaten, before he and Sarah both ran off in a panic. I knew there was no way I could take him, and that he probably went to go get security. These facts, coupled with my crippling social awkwardness and the fact that people all over were staring at me like some kind of freak caused me to run home, totally defeated, clutching my tummy.

That night I considered suicide. My parents aren't home until next week and I felt an aching loneliness. I never went through with it, but have been left crippled emotionally. I havn't gone to school either today or yesterday. My parents will kill me when they get home. I'm a loving failure of a human being.

quote:

just wondering if you guys played orgasm wars with each other when younger, but not in a gay way?

like just to showoff and race and show your superiority or something cavelike?

not sexy or anything but just a race to see who could shoot first and whoever did was allowed to spray the other as a sign of shame kind of.

i used to play this game with many, i won some and lost some. kind of funny thinkin back on it, when the winner used to cum he would run after the other guy trying to get his sperma all over the other one, hopefully making him change clothes, etc.

then the other guy cummed, then cleaned it up and it was over. no gay feelings or talk. guys also used to do this for fun outdoor like on top of a roof or something, trying to hit a target and or person/animal below.

The Kins posted:

Are we talking with or without counting TCC?

Cowman posted:

TCC is part of the forum so it counts