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I came home this afternoon after picking up my copy of gta and I smelled something funny from my neighbors house. I went over there and the door was unlocked so I went right in. Sure enough there was my neighbor and two of his friends smoking to their hearts content. I told them they had two options, one- they could put the joints out or two- I would put the joints out for them. My neighbor had run ins with me before so he knew I meant business so he threw his joint down and told me to leave. I said you made a wise choice but I'm still calling the cops and then I turned to leave. My neighbor then got up off the couch got behind me and said a few cuss words and told me to mind my business. Well that did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "lets get high". I then front kicked him a good 8 feet in the air. Then his other friend came at me with the bong, I grabbed his arm, snapped it and then hit him in the stomach with the bong. His other friend ran into the kitchen so I went after him. He was in the corner crying so I said "this is your brain" and then I grabbed a frying pan and said "this is your brain on drugs" and then I hit him in the head as hard as I could with the frying pan. After that I called the cops and they came over and arrested my neighbor and his friends. As I was leaving the sarge shouted out to me thanks. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said " well you know sarge, perhaps if we build a freaking dunkin doughnuts on this street it would give you guys a excuse to ride up here once or twice a week and keep the crime down. I then threw my shades on the ground to let him know I meant business. I feel pretty good about what I did for my neighborhood today. ~mjq jazz bar

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Me and one of my friends went out today for some dinner so we stopped at a pretty nice restaurant. I don't smoke and most of the time I sit in the non smoking section but I didn't feel like walking to the back of the restaurant today so me and my friend sat at the first table we came to in the smoking section. Since most ppl should be aware that I don't smoke I didn't think I would have any problems. I was wrong. This jerk lit up a cigarette right next to me. I couldn't belive this fat jerk was disrepecting me like this so I turned around and looked him right in the eye and said " you might want to put that out fag..........That is,if you value your health". The guy said a couple of cuss words and told me to go to the non smoking section. Well that did it. I got up went over to the table and said "excuse me fag but you didn't clean your plate", and then I took his plate and bashed him over the head with it. Then his friend that was with him got up and took a swing at me, I ducked it and then gave him a swift round kick to the ribs. I then hip tossed him on the table and then I turned around and looked one of the waiters right in the eye and said "this orders to go" and then I tossed the table with the guy on it a good 14 feet across the room. As me and my friend were storming out the manager apologized to us but I told him it was too late as I would never eat there again. ~mjq jazz bar

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So, I was at work yesterday, and I happened to walk by this guy's desk. I noticed on his computer screen that he had his personal E-mails pulled up. I asked him who he thought he was to do this on company time, and then, he told me that his daughter was sick at home, so he was checking up on her. I then punched his cimputer screen out, and Look him straight in the eye and said, " Who do you think I am? Jerry Lewis? I dont want to hear your sob story, so get back to work before I get you fired." He then said a few cusswords, and then, then He tried to punch me, I blocked it, then , I gave him a swift, round kick to the groin. I asked him if he wanted some more, and he came at me, again, so, I slapped him, then I hip tossed him into the nearest filing cabinent. I looked Over my should at anther worker who was standing near by, and I said...." File him under G..... for garbage." Needless to say, I was quite pleased, because now, that means there one less person in the company for people to look at. All eyes should be on me. I'm a stud. ~ mjq jazz bar

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Well, I walk in to buy some tissues, and at the counter, I hear the manager talking about some skateboard punks in the back by the garbage bins. The guy said he was about to have to call the cops. I told him there's no need to, I'll take care of it myself. So, I walked to the back of the store, and lo and behold, a couple of good for nothings were tearing the place up. A couple of them asked me what I was doing here, so I took of my shades, looked them straight in eye, and said, " Well boys, I'm here to take out the trash, then I grabed one of their skateboards, and broke it over my knee. Then, one of them threw a punch at me. I caught it, and looked thr punk straight in the eye, and said " I'm afraid theres no need for you to be recycled, then I threw him straight over my head into one of the garbage dumpsters. Then, the rest of the kids ran away in fear. I was glad I could help my community, and look good doing it. ~mjq jazz bar

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Around the corner from my weight training job they have a cafe where they make pretty good cheeseburgers. Usually I get mine with mushrooms and onions. Well today I went in there and there was this stoner bitch in there with enormous dreadlocks and a nose ring which is a violation of the safety code. I said 'Where is the regular chef' and she said 'I don't know' very rudely to me and that's when I noticed she had not sauteed up any onions for my burger. I said "you need to learn some customer service" and then she said some cuss words to me and told me maybe I should go to Burger King. But I like to support local businesses so I looked her straight in the eye and said "the customer is always right" and grabbed her by the dreads and slammed her face onto the skillet. She screamed and then the manager came running at me with a chopping knife so I looked him straight in the eye and said "chop this" and karate chopped his wrist and broke it immediately. I picked the girl up off of the floor and said "you are what you eat" and poured the boiling grease off of the fryer into her mouth. I was glad that I could set an example of what a good citizen should do in this situation, and everyone in the cafe applauded me. ~mjq jazz bar

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Me and my friend went to fill up my corvette last night and there were these two punks there sitting on the sidewalk of the gas station with their radio blasting. I was trying to think as I pumped gas but their radio made that hard to do. I was not pleased. So I went in and payed for the gas and then I went up to the two punks outside. I said excuse me but I think you need to turn your radio down. They told me to chill, they were just hanging out and having a few smokes. I then looked them in the eye and said " I'm afraid this is the no smoking section boys" and then I kicked their radio up against the side of the gas station. Then one of them stood up and took a swing at me, I ducked it and then gave him a round kick to the stomach. Then the other one took what was left of the radio and threw it at me, I blocked it with my left hand which caused it to go sailing back and knock him out. Then a middle aged man which looked to be in his 50's came up and asked what was going on. I wasn't sure if he was with me or against me so I assumed he was against me, I then gave him a swift front kick to the groin and hip tossed him on top of the other guys there. I then walked back to my car where my friend just stood there in awe, I asked him why he didn't help me and he said it looked like I had things under control. I slapped him and pushed him to the ground and told him to walk home. I then got in my corvette turned up the radio to full blast and much to my suprise welcome to the jungle was playing. I then sped off with that song playing full blast. I felt pretty good about standing up for my rights and I looked good doing it. ~mjq jazz bar

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It was a nice day today so I went for a walk out side. As I was walking, I heard somebody crying out in pain so I went to investigate, when I turned the corner I saw a kid that had fallen off his bike and he was grabbing his leg and crying. There was this guy already there and he told me that he was a doctor and he thought this kid had a broken leg. I could tell this guy was lying because he didn't have any white coat, I don't like liars so I pushed him out of the way. My training in medical school showed me that I had to get the kid's leg straight again, so I started pounding his knee to get the bone straight again. Thats when the guy that claimed to be a "doctor" called me a moron and pushed me out of the way. Well that did it. I got up, took my shades off, looked him straight in the eye and said " open wide doc" and then I gave him a swift kick to the mouth. I then grabbed him and said "time to make a house call " and then I threw him through a window of a near by house. The kid stopped crying then, I guess my pounding earlier worked. I told the kid not to thank me but I did need 20 dollars for my time. He only had 14 so I took his bike as well. I feel pretty good about fixing the kid's leg. ~mjw jazz bar

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So I was sitting in the back corner of eat ‘n park a restaurant in the northeastern region and I hear this group of punk kids terrorizing their waitress, and I stumble over there and ask the beautiful lady what the problem seems to be. The kids being the adept punks they are give her a glare that tells her not to talk or else therell be problems but I know better than this and I tell them that if they don’t apologize to this beautiful belle theyre going to have to answer to me. I pull my shades out of my back pocket, slip a comb through my wet hair, and tell them they have 10 seconds to apologize. The leader of the gang a chubby kid tells me to get loss and then throws the peg game on his table at my face. “I pegged you as the wise sort, and I don’t play games!” says I, and I grab a tonfa from the cop sitting at the table next to them and tell them today’s special, punks served sunny side up, with a side of hollandaise. I crack the tonfa over two punk heads, do a roundkick, and then hiptoss the runt of the crew into the pie fridge. “Creamed or Key Limed? ” I ask the cop as he slips me a fiver and gives me a back high five. He tells me Ive done a good job as a citizen, and I kiss the beautiful waitress on the cheek, run my comb through my hair once more and leave the restaurant on my harley. ~mjq jazz bar

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I was in town with one of my girlfriends today, and I decided to play one of those scratch off games again, I was very suprised when I won 1 million dollars on the spot, this was like the second time I won the lottery. I was about to claim my prize but then I thought to myself I'm already rich why not have some fun with this one? I told my girlfriend I was tired of her already so I left her at the gas station and went to find me some poor suckers. What better place than wal mart? I went up and down the asles until I found a bad dressed man and wife along with their kid. I went up to the guy and showed the guy the ticket, and told him since I didnt need the money I was going to give it to him and his family, when he started to tear up I tore up the ticket and threw the pieces on the ground. I then started to walk away but this spinless punk then took a swing at me when my back was turned. That did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "feeling lucky". I then gave him a swift kick in the ribs and threw him into the pet section, I then caught a wal mart guy coming at me so I took a knife out of my jacket and threw it toward a chain holding up a sign, I then looked at the guy and said "watch out for falling prices" and then the sign fell on him and knocked him out. I left the store but not before I complained to the manager about the kind of people they let in there. ~mjq jazz bar

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So, I bought a couple of dvds off some web site a few weeks ago and I was pretty upset they haven't come in the mail already. So today I stuck around the house until the mailman came, he brought me a package but it wasn't the dvds I was waiting for. I asked him what the problem was and he told me that he had no control over when the company sends me the dvds. He said I should try to contact them. That did it. I couldn't belive this guy, I pay my taxes and this guy thinks he has the right to sass me in front of my euro mansion, in my freaking driveway? I lifted up my shades, took the cigar out of my mouth, looked him straight in the eye and said " I'm afraid this package is marked return to sender", and then I threw the package in the air and sidekicked the package right into the guys face causing teeth to go everywhere. I then saw one of my ederly neighbors walking toward me so I assumed he wanted trouble as well so I gave him a swift round kick to the ribs, I then looked at him and said "time to take out the garbage" and hip tossed him into the garbage can. I then picked up the crying mailman and threw him into the garbage can, after I had my "garbage collected", I picked up the garbage can and said "let the good times roll" and threw the garbage can down the hill. I didn't see those two guys again but I don't really care, I took the mailbag and threw it in my fireplace since it was a little chilly here today.

Quixotic posted:

"feminism?!" newsmonster kramers in the door and just keeps kramering, sliding off around the room, bouncing against walls. he kramers against your toilet, busting it up big time. you get the feeling he's trying to say something to you but he's kramering at such a high velocity you just can't quite make it out. as he finally nails a window and falls out you think you hear him exclaim "I'm a feminist, that's what's so CRAZY about this" on the way down

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Why all the Golden Corral hate? Golden Corral is honestly better than a loving movie.

I have a friend named Bruce. Bruce looks to be some kind of honest-to-God pirate at first glance, and I mean Captain Jack Sparrow's crew pirate, and the ornery, mean old loving pirate you'd never, ever want to mess with because he'd bite your God-damned nose off and eat it. He's also wildly into K-pop, choreographs his own dance routines to it, and in the last year or two has started just basically eating like a Korean, which apparently means shitloads of vegetables and cabbage. Anyway, Bruce goes to Golden Corral like 2x a week, which I thought was kind of strange due to his new health kick, so finally I asked him about it.

"Dude," he said. "Golden Corral has a shitload of vegetables, and their cabbage is great. But you're missing the point. You don't go to Golden Corral just for the food, JS. It's loving dinner theater."

And you know what? He's right. For $12 you can sit and watch some of the most hilarious, downright hellishly gluttonous behavior you will see outside the Plane of Fat in the Demonic Abyss. I went with him one time and laughed so hard at some of the poo poo on display that now I go with him about once a month, get a big plate of steak and another big plate of salad, stake out a spot where you can see most of the buffets (and oh for loving sure the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL) and just observe the kind of unbelievably self-indulgent (and self-destructive) poo poo that would make a European or Southeast Asian's person head explode off their shoulders in horror and make someone with a "sick sad world" sense of humor laugh their rear end off.

Someone, say, like me.

For example, the very first time I went with Bruce I was witness to "the recon." This is a real thing, and what I am about to describe is not an isolated incident, no sirree. Humongously fat people will literally go scout the buffet. Now, I think we all do this to some extent at a buffet, in the "Hmm, what do they have to eat here?" glance-while-walking-to-the-table sense, but this is done with military precision, people. I've watched with my own eyes three people, all of whom were 300 lbs+, meet briefly and talk, then split up and go to the buffets, carefully eyeballing each selection, lips moving, fingers pointing, as if cataloging the unearthly delights that await them, then loving meeting back up in the same place to discuss what they saw and plan an attack. I'm serious. They were like 10 feet away.

"Guys it looks like the fried chicken tonight is coming out pretty fast, pretty sure that stuff's going to be good, but the rotisserie is just kind of hanging out. Pulled pork was kind of crusty but I think if we dug down a bit there's good stuff there. There was a bit of a crust on the edge of the brown gravy and someone dropped some loving broccoli in it but the white gravy's looking fine. Outside of that, hot bar A looks good. And of course the bourbon chicken looks good as always."

"Fantastic. Well, the guy cooking the steaks told me they are busting open a new box in about 20 minutes, so we should probably lay off that until then. I noticed there was a lot of bacon in the green beans right now so that should probably be one of our first stops. The mac and cheese tonight also looks loving delicious, it's got a nice crust unlike that bullshit last week when it was practically yellow water, so we need to move on that. It looks like they recently changed out the taco stuff, especially the nacho cheese, it looks brand new, so, take that for what it's worth."

"Well I've got bad news guys, from what I could see it looks like tonight's a no chocolate cake night, they only have that loving one that has those fake cherries on top, and we all know how that fucks things up."

>groans all around<

"But it's not that big a deal because they just put out rice krispies with chocolate coating and the girl said they've got tons of them. They've also got those sugar cookies and some fudge brownies that look all right, and all the other pie poo poo they usually have."

"OK, so green beans, fried chicken, the mac and cheese, the white gravy, those are tonight's superstars. Let's go."

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. I expected a loving Wonder Twin powers-esque ring bump at this point, but instead they just all fled to a plate dispenser and began loading the gently caress out of their plates. It really reminds me of nothing so much as when people like, discuss what's going on with their favorite sports teams. Except with food.

This is also when I first experienced the phenomenon of the "multiplate."

Now, your average person will take a plate to the buffet, fill it with food, and go back to their table and eat. But, you see, that person understands that when they are done eating, if they want more, there will be more food available at that time. But the multiplater wants to hedge its bets. What if, between that first and second trip to the buffet, the restaurant suddenly ran completely the gently caress out of food? Like, not even mints by the cash register or gum in the quarter machines? WHAT THEN? Your deliciousness per second (DPS... sorry) will go down!

It doesn't bear thinking about. Now it's unlikely, gentlemen, but not impossible, so as we are smart consumers, we're going to guard against the possibility. So let's each go get three complete plates of food and come back to the table.

Now I'm not talking a meal plate and a salad plate, as I mentioned before I myself do that every time I go to watch this... whatever the gently caress it is, Theater of the Grotesque, I guess. But just imagine for a moment going up to the buffet and getting a plate loaded down with actual loving rib-sticking food. 3-4 chicken wings and legs, a big-rear end helping of mac and cheese, some mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, two corns on the cob, and a yeast roll or two, then taking it back to your table. Time to eat, right? WRONG. DIPSHIT. WHAT IF THEY RUN OUT OF FOOD WHILE YOU ARE EATING YOU GOD-DAMNED NINNY? WHAT ABOUT YOUR DPS?

So you just set this completely full plate down and go get another one, and again you just completely fill the gently caress out of it with food. A couple of steaks, a pile of pulled pork, a rice mountain topped with sugary chicken (MOUNT BOURBON), and a couple of smoked sausages with nacho cheese on them, then you take that back to your table.

You now have enough food at your table, JUST ON YOUR PLATES, to feed an entire platoon of ten year-olds who have been playing all day. Time to sit down and pig the gently caress out. WRONG. DIPSHIT. WHAT IF THEY RUN OUT OF FOOD NOW? YOU'VE ONLY GOT LITERALLY TEN OR FIFTEEN THOUSAND CALORIES ON YOUR PLATE, YOU'RE PRACTICALLY GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH. IF YOU DON'T KEEP YOUR DPS UP WE'LL HAVE TO KICK YOU OUT OF THE GUILD DUDE.

So again you set your second completely full plate down and go back AGAIN. I dunno what the gently caress you get this time, since you already have basically everything they serve, but on one multiplate I watched a dude walk(?) to the salad bar and create the following salad:

1 giant ladle of blue cheese dressing directly onto the plate
Multiple giant scoops of shredded cheese on top of this
Multiple giant scoops of those weird ham cube-bits on top of this
Multiple giant scoops of bacon bits on top of this
Multiple giant scoops of boiled egg crumbles on top of this
An enormous pile of croutons
A giant scoop of mushrooms (I think this "made it healthy" because mushrooms are like a fish or something and fish is negative calorie superfood?)
2 giant ladles of blue cheese dressing on top

Just think about that for a loving minute. OK, frankly, it sounds pretty delicious, but holy poo poo how horrid does something like that have to be for you? Imagine trying to poo poo that out a few hours down the line. But now you have your third plate, and so now you can at least quiet the yammering fear that you won't get to eat everything in the entire God-damned place before it closes down for the night, and at last you can finally start to eat.

Again, this is not fantasy. I've watched this multiple times. I've seen a woman so fat she had to use a walker to move sit by herself at a 4-person table and completely cover the surface of it with plates of food before she started eating, and she cleaned every last one of them. It has the same uneasy, somehow alien fascination of seeing a car wreck, or a really hosed-up porn where the chick is wearing spider prosthetics and hissing all the loving time. You're like, am I really supposed to be entertained by this? I kind of feel bad, and sort of weird, but... I mean, just loving look at it. It's brutal, unchained nihilism unfettered from any concept of moderation or shame or self-preservation and frankly it's kind of fascinating watching someone deliberately say "gently caress any sort of a comfortable life, WHERE IS THE THOUSAND ISLAND CONTAINER?"

So what I'm trying to say is, Golden Corral really is cheap dinner theater, and believe it or not you can actually eat there without consuming ten thousand+ calories if you just eat a steak strip or two and some salad or potatoes or something.

Oh, and did I mention the Chocolate Wonderfall? Well, frankly, if you dare to use that loving thing I salute you, because it wouldn't surprise me to find a live octopus in it. This is already too long for a dumb post about obsessive fatties at Golden Corral, but if I get a chance later I might type up some of the poo poo I've seen people do with that thing.

BTW as a disclaimer I'm a 220-lb dude (6'2" though so I don't look too monstrous) who has spent his whole life losing and then gaining weight. I know it's extremely tough to do, and it's REALLY tough to keep doing and maintain it, but there's a big difference between "I'm overweight, try my best, run 4 times a week, and occasionally overindulge in an entire tub of scoop n' eat cheesecake filling" and sticking your face to the loving ears into the Chocolate Wonderfall and sucking like Cygnus X-1 till security gets there with the the bullropes.

I hope someone liked reading that as much as I liked writing it.

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OK, so, as promised, the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL.

That's right, a non-stop flowing river of chocolate decadence.
That's right, a non-stop flowing river of chocolate decadence.

What a loving weird commercial. Also note the comments on that video. User 'goldencorral' doing damage control, y'all.

"I SAW A CHILD BLOW A RIVER OF SNOT INTO THE CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL."
"Really sorry to hear that! Could you give me some follow-up info?"

I have no idea how it's legal to have this thing. At first glance it's like, "Yeah, that's kind of cool, looks tasty," but then on further reflection you begin to think of terms like "vector" and "transmission" and "patient zero" and start to reconsider. They don't let restaurants serve food "family style" (big bowls and serving spoons in a common dish on the table) and this seems like family style on steroids. I dunno.

Bruce told me about the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL one night on the way to GC. "Dude, they have like this chocolate river thing now, you'll see."

"Is it good?"

"No, dude. No. Just watch."

Now, they have a person who stands in the dessert section who is supposed to, I guess, guard the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL? But they are not always there, and occasionally disappear into the back of the restaurant to do whatever it is that is done back there. This is as effective as any guard who is randomly gone. But in case user 'goldencorral' is in this thread, I will say that every gross/unsanitary thing I've seen regarding the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL has taken place when this person, who I will call Deputy Sweeto, was gone.

Now, if you watched that commercial, you saw the way people are actually supposed to engage with the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL. Take a piece of something that would be good with chocolate, stick it on a skewer, stick it under the chocolate, you are done. Put it on a plate so it doesn't drop all over the place, go back to your seat, eat, enjoy, go home. Fifty return trips to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL optional, but necessary.

So here are some things I've seen people do with the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL. Note that the real threat to the integrity of the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL is not adults, who although they may do disgusting and unhealthy things to it (such as using, say, actual loving fudge as the material to be chocolate-covered) most of them are conscientious enough to not be unsanitary.

Oh, but unattended children, they Do. Not. Give. A. gently caress. And believe me, at GC there's going to be some unattended children, because mommy and daddy are trying to get their DPS up people, and paying attention to their precious living things might result in someone else getting more of the mac and cheese crust covering by delaying their second multiplate.

Chocolate chicken leg: This is what I saw the first time I went there and just before the only time I contemplated chocolating something up. Just as I was about to get up, I watched a little kid, probably about 6-7 years old, walk up to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL and stick a fried chicken leg in it.

Now, frankly, this is loving hilarious. Just really think for a minute about seeing this, the little dude just staggering over to the chocolate and plunging a fried chicken leg into it. There's no question at this point that little bits of fried batter are getting knocked off by the power of the WONDERFALL and merging with the chocolate, and I know there's nothing I'd like better on a strawberry than some soggy, chocolate-infused fried chicken coating. So already Bruce and I are laughing so loving hard we're practically injuring ourselves, but this gets better. After thoroughly chocolating this chicken leg, the kid yanks it out from under the WONDERFALL, makes no attempt to put a plate under it or anything, and turns and walks away from the thing, trailing the chicken leg at his side like a caveman's club.

Well, it is dripping chocolate. Not a lot, but some, and no one is paying attention to it, so people are walking through this liquid chocolate and just smearing it all over the place and making a hellish, God-awful mess. Admittedly, it's just around that dessert section, which is tile, but still. Little dude walks back to his table, looks at the chicken leg with some consternation, and then just throws it under the table on the floor.

Makeshift Mole: Man, chicken mole is loving delicious, and it's basically what I order at every Mexican restaurant who serves it. For those who don't know, mole is kind of like a spicy sauce that often incorporates chocolate or cocoa and, for emphasis, is loving delicious. But it tastes nothing like chocolate, it's mainly peppery spicy with just a hint of the sweet-bitterness of chocolate.

gently caress me, now I want some mole. Anyway, I've seen a dude take a plate of bourbon chicken (which, to the uninitiated, is basically chicken bits in a brown fructose sauce... but okay, it's delicious too), walk over to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL, and use a spoon to completely cover his already-soaked-in-loving-sugary-solution chicken pieces in milk chocolate. Ol' Deputy Sweeto was there for this one, but didn't say anything because, well, what the guy was doing wasn't unsanitary or harming the fountain or anything, it was just, you know, gross beyond belief at the cellular level. As he walked away Deputy Sweeto caught me staring. We locked eyes across the restaurant, shared a brief look of "What have we seen? Others have not...", and then went about our normal business, strangers connected by a shared glimpse into the Maw of Chicken Madness.

Dude took his chocolate bourbon chicken over to the buffet, put a little rice on the side, and went and ate the whole loving thing. Frankly I was tempted to go get a chunk or two of bourbon chicken and do the same thing myself just to see what the gently caress that could possibly taste like and why someone would eat a plate of it, but then I realized that I will at some point want to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of my life as a human being and so I didn't.

CHOCOLATE WONDERSPRAY: Occasionally you will get someone who is not satisfied with a single layer of chocolate on their treat, and they will stand for a moment and let the chocolate on their tastybit harden a smidge and put some more chocolate on it. OK so by occasionally I mean "almost everyone does this." I don't consider this horrid gluttony unless you're up there for loving five minutes and walk away with a chocolate baseball on a stick (but yes, I've seen people stand up there and do that for literally five minutes before, I think they are mainly just trying to drip as much chocolate as possible onto the plate they hold beneath it, "Whoops, now I guess I have to eat all this too, mustn't waste!"). But this little girl takes the cake for that poo poo. If standing there and maybe gently blowing on your chocolate-covered tastybit allows more chocolate, then you know what would be better?

Blow on it like you're Superman putting out the loving Towering Inferno, that's what!

The little girl dunks her krispie, pulls it out, and proceeds to blow on it like Superman put- you get it. Well, this results in little chocolate drops being blown all over the loving place. The sheer violence of the blowing is also denuding her little treat of chocolate, so she sticks it in again and does the same thing, with the same results. So again. And again. At this point the area near her is beginning to resemble something that has seen the touch of several shotgun shells full of chocolate birdshot. At last her mother saw what she was doing and came and got her, and then, in an unusual and heartening twist, called for Deputy Sweeto and tried to help clean up. Your average mom at GC would have grabbed her child, looked around anxiously, and then slunk away. So high five, moral and responsible mom!

What the gently caress are you doing OH NAW DUDE DUDE NAW CHRIST: Short and sweet and horrible as a baboon loving a human baby. Man gets soup bowl. Man walks to CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL, fills soup bowl 3/4 full. Puts rice krispie on top. Walks back to table, crushes rice krispie with spoon, begins eating pure liquid chocolate with minor crunchy bits. JS loses faith in the future of the world.

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So. Babies at Golden Corral.

First, let's just state that I love babies. They are nature's little Jokers, agents of chaos who just do not give a gently caress. About anything. They don't give a gently caress about your rules, your controls, your social mores, or your laws. They will poo poo on the floor like it's nothing. They are gonna do what they want, and when they find something they like to do they are going to do it, and they will do it as long as possible and the longer they do it the faster they will do it and the harder they will laugh. Seriously, they are about the best free entertainment in the world.

Literally the funniest thing in the world to me is to be in a crowded public place and have a baby start doing that kind of crying where they are just screaming at the top of their loving lungs with tears running down their faces, occasionally pausing and falling almost completely silent to gulp in another big lungful of air before going back to 180 decibels while the parent looks around frantically and begs them to stop. I mean, seriously, that's the funniest poo poo in the world. Bonus points if this happens at Golden Corral and Trailer Park Romeo & Juliet (see below) look at the shrieking, obviously infuriated child, shrug like, "Zis my porblem? Sheeeit izza baby, he's justa cryn," before going back to DPSing as hard as possible. Holy poo poo I'm seriously LMAO right now just thinking about it.

Now, I am a childless man. There is a really good reason for this, which is that I am a selfish rear end in a top hat who can't comprehend not being able to wake up and just do whatever I want all day without being burdened by another living thing's requirements. poo poo, I can barely take care of my snapping turtle, who only requires some sort of flesh be tossed in his tank every week or so.

FLESH. And maybe some attention. *sniffle*

But that said, even I understand at the atomic level that when you actually do have a child, that child must take precedent over absolutely everything else in your entire life including anything you may have wanted. You have to nurture it, guide it, protect it, take care of it, watch over it, and teach it how to be a good person who will contribute to society.

Unless you take it to Golden Corral. At this point, a magical alchemy occurs and you no longer have any responsibility for your baby, and you should just let it run free and learn on its own things like "steam tables are hot" and "a handful of ranch dressing feels funny."

You see a lot of kids at Golden Corral, sticking chicken legs in CHOCOLATE WONDERFALLS and things, and you do see a lot of babies also. Now when I say baby, I basically mean a being anywhere from womb-age to young enough it can barely walk unassisted and does that terrifying hard-lean-forward baby stagger while you cringe and simultaneously fear/long for the inevitable faceplant. Young enough to still have to stick in a highchair, basically.

Quite a few couples with kids you will see at Golden Corral fit the stereotype I think of as "Trailer Park Romeo and Juliet." This means:

1 partner very large, usually extremely disheveled, with a wild eye and an aggressive demeanor who speaks very loudly and has no problem yelling threats of physical violence to either partner or child, like "IMMA FUCKIN BEAT YOU" at full volume in the midst of a crowded restaurant. If this partner is the female they will always, always have at least one large facial mole with multiple black bristles sticking from it.

1 partner whisper thin, hellishly passive, instinctively flinching, watery-eyed, with a sick smile and a completely whipped and beaten-down aura coming off them in discernible waves. If this partner is the male they will always, always be sporting a disgusting pubestache with three very prominent hairs longer than the surrounding pubes which have obviously been cultivated with love and pride.

People say stereotypes are the language of hate, but they become stereotypes by being repeatedly true over centuries.

So anyway, these are the kind of people who will trail 3-4 kids from ages 1-6 into a Wal-mart and turn to the 6 year-old and say things like, "NOW LITTLE BECKY YOU WATCH YER SISTERS OK" and then walk off to the bathroom and leave them alone, or think nothing of knocking a kid to the floor when the least bit irritated.

To put it more plainly, abominable genetic misfit monsters who should never have been allowed to breed and shouldn't be entrusted with the welfare of this loving thing, much less a precious human child. Oh, but they have them, and by the bucketload, and then they take them... to Golden Corral.

Oh and before I say anything else YES, I know what I am about to describe sucks rear end for the server. I'm well aware of this. I tip extremely well when I go to any place like this because I know the poor people working there aren't making dick and are specifically having to deal with poo poo like this, so rage against that machine somewhere else.

NACHO NINO: So, as stated, I don't have a baby. But if I did, and I took the baby to Golden Corral, I know exactly the steps I would take. Here they are, in order:

Put infant in high chair.
Go get food when infant is safe.
Bring infant back some small piece of appropriate food they can gnaw on, if they are old enough to do so.
Occasionally feed infant small safe bits of food off my own plate.

Goon parents, is this reasonable? I hope so. Here is what I would not do:

Get infant a plate completely full of nacho cheese sauce and top with some chips.
Place on highchair tray in front of infant.
Ignore infant as it goes buck loving "samurai wild" on the incredibly inappropriate thing before it.

So, you know how when a baby does something it thinks is amusing, like, say, lightly slaps a stuffed animal and you go, "Ow!" and it laughs? What happens next? Well, the baby is amused, and it wants more amusement, so it will slap the stuffed animal again. Harder. And faster. If it continues to be amused, it will continue to do this. Harder. And faster. Again. And again. Until it's a little sped-up blur of slapping and hysterical giggling. It's practically a law of nature, you could probably make an equation for it.

(Baby amusement) = (Force of strikes)(Speed of strikes)

Something like that. Note that term A only gets bigger if terms B and C constantly increase, and term A must increase because FUN FOR THE FUN GOD! So, now, imagine putting a full plate of viscous canned cheddar sauce before a baby. What the gently caress do you think is going to happen?

Well, you can guess. Baby stuck its hands in the cheese, sucked some cheese off its hands, and eventually came to the realization that by sort of hitting the cheese, it could cause an amusing pattern/feeling/spatter. The baby looked at his own cheese-laden hand, fascinated, and then he laughed.

That laugh was the key. The equation had begun. There was no stopping it now. Across the room, I nudged Bruce. "poo poo's about to get real, bro." He looked up from his mountain of cabbage and roots and other leafy poo poo and saw where I was looking.

"Oh gently caress yes, they gave it nacho cheese, how God-damned dumb are they? JS they gave it a whole plate!" This said in the same tones you'd use to say something like, "It is El Dorado, a whole city made of solid gold!" Man I love that guy, he's awesome.

Now that first baby cheese-slap was just an experiment. We've all seen it, and you all know exactly what I mean. "What is this? What does it feel like? How does it respond to my power?" But once baby has figured out that A)cheese isn't fighting back and B)hey that felt funny and C)things around me turn orange! there was no turning back.

"I am Golden Corral's reckoning. Here to end the borrowed time you've all been living on."

A second slap landed in the plate of nacho cheese. Significantly harder. Significantly more cheese went flying. Already at this point Bruce and I are laughing our asses off, because just these two slaps by themselves have made a hellish mess, baby is covered in cheese, cheese is everywhere, mom and dad are DPSing and so don't have time to pay attention to their precious child, and you can just see where this is going already. See this in your mind, friends, the child's arm speeding up, harder and faster each time, the child giggling, its arm turning into a little pinwheel of destruction.

>SLAP<
Cheese flies.
>SLAP<
Cheese flies.
>SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAP<
loving CHEDDARCAUST

There's loving cheese everywhere. The kid looks like they took a nacho shower, there's cheese in his loving hair, and I'm not talking an isolated drop of cheese, no sir, I'm talking "gently caress it shave the baby, there's no way we're getting this out" cheese-in-hair. The area on the floor around baby's highchair looks like someone murdered a Taco Bell with a power drill.

Mom and dad don't give a gently caress. "CURRR-TIS!" mom says, affectionate and exasperated. "Why'd you do that?"

Uh, maybe it's because you gave something without the current capacity for rational thought the equivalent of a food WMD, lady, just guessing. So after seeing the ELE-level mess her kid had made, Momma Fats just moves the cratered nacho plate away (which she ended up eating, a common enough fat person justification, "Oh honey do YOU want a giant plate of food you can't possibly eat OH I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO FINISH THAT FOR YOU CAN'T WASTE") and handed the kid a loving chicken nugget.

This mess was so awesome that the server for that section literally called over multiple other servers to see it.

poo poo this was a lot longer than I planned it to be, and believe it or not, I have to "watch" my 7 year-old nephew now, which means I am going to take him to a McDonald's with a ball pit and get some work done while he and a bunch of other kids concoct fantastic adventures that revolved around man-sized plastic tubes. Later tonight I'll type up another baby story, let's call it "Food as Toys."

quote:

You know when you were a kid and your dad was shaving and you'd pretend-shave beside him because you thought it made you look grown-up? Everything redditors do is that same talismanic grasping at symbols of adulthood and sophistication tinged with an air of desperately overthinking it while completely missing the point.

If I use a real straight-razor and make my own lather with a badger brush then that makes me manly and attractive, even though I have scraggly unkempt hair and I'm 50 pounds overweight. If I wear a fedora it will make me cool and sophisticated, even though I'm wearing it with jorts and a le meme t-shirt. If I smoke an ecig then I look hard-boiled and interesting, even though my baby palate means I have to puff candy-flavored clouds of nicotine water from a robot's dick.

RandomFerret posted:

Bertrand Hustle posted:

So Ymir spawned foreigners from his armpits?

Rigged Death Trap posted:

Which reminds me:
When the last time someone invoked the hat rule?

Solice Kirsk posted:

So he failed and got banned right?

VanSandman posted:

Oh good, I'm not the only one with this reaction.
Although I thought he was Nintendo Kid these days so who knows if that's the final boss of arguing on the internet or not.

Hogge Wild posted:

im gay i'm gay cuckold cuck cuckservative

Hogge Wild posted:

some quote from 2010 that i had in a text file:

A GLISTENING HODOR posted:

So free money, free drugs, AND car insurance company drops a public nuisance?

Florida, you're so beautiful.

Mr. Flunchy posted:

Don't know if this is the right place to post, but seems like there's a bunch of historians in here. Anyway, was out camping on Dartmoor, England this weekend and spotted this strange rock on a secluded island in the middle of a stream. Layman's knowledge makes me think they're runes, but I have no idea how to translate it. Anyone read runic?

I've taken a bunch of photos, including an close-up panorama and did my best to transcribe it. Apologies for the relative crudity of the transcription, parts of the stone were covered in moss and I had to decide by touch.

Aphrodite posted:

I can't make out all of it, but the middle bit says "...if he be worthy..."

Mr. Flunchy posted:

Update: just discovered I can now yell loud enough to knock people over.

Outrail posted:

Did they transcribe them or not?

Mr. Flunchy posted:

I've got a rough translation now:

[illegible] THE GODS WILL [illegible]

[illegible] DEED OF EVIL SHUN [illegible]

[illegible] FORTITUDE [illegible]

Apparently it's more likely to be Celtic than Viking.

Edit: the 'celtic sprig' alphabet to be precise.

betterinsodapop posted:

23 year old idiot tourist falls into scalding hot acid bath (aka boiling spring) at Yellowstone National Park, literally dissolves, is never seen again.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news...bath/?tid=sm_tw

TotalLossBrain posted:

nice meltdown

quote:

"Yeah," I went on. "Every once in a while a man has to go out in the woods and bury something. Sometimes a man buries a thing, sometimes a thing buries a man. Sometimes you're the thing, and sometimes you're the man, and I suppose sometimes you're the shovel, if the digger had managed to fashion a crude shovel of some sort out of your bones. It's the circle of life, that's what it is, Josh. I suppose if you were really determined you could 'bury' your way out of the hole the thing buried you in, but wouldn't that just be digging, Josh?"

"Uh-"

"Yes, yes it would, Josh. And I will not tolerate digging here. That's one thing we have to get clear. I will not. Tolerate. Digging," I said, forcefully tapping the desk with each word.

"Didn't you just ask me-"

"No," I said. "I don't ask. I never ask. Instead, I 'put a question to you.' There's a difference. One's more aggressive. For example, what's the difference between me saying, 'I want to put the wood to you' and 'I'd like to ask you to gently caress me?' The difference, Josh, is that one doesn't translate well into Welsh, while the other is downright delightful. That's the difference, Josh, and that's what makes LAC different. You have to think outside the box, think about the tone of questions. Always think outside the box, Josh, especially if you're burying it, because the dirt's what's outside the box. Just you and the dirt and the shovel. Also, you probably don't want to look inside the box, because more than likely you were told specifically not to, and it's probably all freaky and crazy anyway. And if you do, then what do you do when that big fat Hawaiian guy finds out and comes after you by the side of the road with a beretta?"

...

"I'll tell you what you do, Josh," I said, "You lead him into the woods with a series of deceptive bird calls and then you wait for dark, and then you kill him with a shovel. Then you've got two things to bury, Josh. All because you wanted to look inside the box. And what did looking inside the box get you, Josh? Did knowing that that Hawaiian guy wanted to bury a severed clown's head make you a better person? Huh, did it, Josh? I don't think so. Not at all..."

Solice Kirsk posted:

I don't know if I've ever eaten porridge. Are grits a porridge?

VanSandman posted:

How has vore been turned into a meme?

Sushi in Yiddish posted:

https://twitter.com/liberalism_txt/status/861429657551474693

prefect posted:

Is he being sarcastic?

steakmancer posted:

If I was John Landis I would consider setting the worlds latest term abortion (~127th trimester)

prefect posted:

He could put Max in one of his movies.

Solice Kirsk posted:

The list of demands actually doesn't sound so bad if you imagine she just found it he was a serial killer. Asking for head could take on a whole new meaning.

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Bhodi posted:

irma is a cat 5 and going to land squarely on the tip of florida

carry on then posted:

the virgin islands are so hosed

Glorgnole posted:

they're just gonna be called the islands from next week on

Outrail posted:

Is there a meaning of the clapping ha ds emoji that I'm not aware of?

El Gallinero Gros posted:

Does anybody have that quote about the girl who spends her childhood looking after siblings, then ends up with a goony manchild and confuses having to take care of him for true love because she's been doing it for so long?

WHEEZY KISS A DUDE posted:

This is where you are wrong, I'm afraid.

These disgusting, deplorable human beings will find a woman who loves them, but it will not be a healthy woman nor will it be a healthy definition of love.

It will be a woman who grew up too fast. Maybe it was the result of a messy divorce, perhaps due to the death of one of their parents.

This girl will be thrust into the position of matriarch for their younger siblings, waking them up for school, packing their lunches, doing their laundry, cleaning the house. Helping with their homework. Of course, these younger siblings didn't know any better, and would routinely leave their dirty dishes laying around. And an older child already traumatized by the loss of a parent isn't going to want to make things any harder for the ones they need to take care of. After all, they just want them to be happy. So they adjust to cleaning up. They adjust to being yelled at when they are out of Twinkies. Maybe the little brother, who isn't so little anymore now that a few years has passed, gets really angry, shouts "YOU'RE NOT MOM!" and hits her a little. But it's ok, she understands, he's still grieving the loss, however metaphorical, of their mother and he's not really mad at her. He loves her.

They will equate love with mothering, and will extend into their romantic lives.

They will try to mother every guy they ever date. Most guys will catch on right away and kick her to curb, where she will bitch and complain about guys not appreciating her, how can they keep leaving me after I clean their apartment and cook them dinner every night?! I always make sure his bills are paid, his clothes are clean. I tell him he should wear the deep blue oxford shirt with the wheat colored tie to work.

Meanwhile, these man-children were obviously raised by a mother who cleaned up after them, cooked for them, cleaned for them. They were never told to clean their room; instead, it was cleaned over the weekend for them while they spent it at a friend's house. They were never told to do their laundry; they simply left it in a pile on the floor of the laundry room. In most cases, the father did the same thing, so they grew up equating romantic love as having a woman that cooked and cleaned and did the laundry while the man sat around in his boxers drinking beer and watching college football, flinging the remnants of buffalo wings hither, thither, and yon, hollaring to their wife to bring them another can of Schlitz and this time it had better be open. Maybe Daddy yelled a lot more by the time Saturday night rolled around, and it was the 3rd quarter of the UVA/VT game, and maybe he would accidentally hit Mommy, but not on purpose, just because he was excited, but she understood and it was always ok the next day. He wasn't mad at her. He loves her.

And they will meet women, somehow, and each one will run screaming when she sees his apartment, or on the off chance she's drunk enough not to notice, will gag and wretch when she undoes his fly and smells a crotch that hasn't been maintained for a week.

He won't understand why these girls don't want to take care of him, to clean his place up for him, to cook him dinner. He doesn't understand why they tell him to go gently caress himself when he asks if they can go to the laundromat for him. He just wants someone to care about him, which he thinks means someone to care for him.

Somehow, he'll wade throw a pile of soda cans, pizza boxes, shat-in underwear, cum tissues, and dirty dishes waist deep and find their way outside, dressed in their finest Pokemon t-shirts and cargo shorts and maybe go to a bar. He heard something about Guitar Hero night at this one place, and of course he always gets 99% on Through The Fire and The Flames on Expert Difficulty so it should be a good night.

Somehow, she'll be able to get out of the house for a night. Her friends, or more than likely, her one or two only friends in the world, girls she went to high school with who got knocked up at 17 and can sympathize with taking care of kids at such a young age, want to drag her to this bar that plays some stupid guitar video game so they can all laugh at the people who take it way too seriously.

They meet, they date, they start a relationship. And it's the most perfect storm of fuckeduperry since Hurricane Katrina.

She will cook and clean and wash and dry, and he will play video games and leave his dirty dishes out on the coffee table and his dirty clothes all over the bedroom floor, and she will happily clean up after him. She'll make sure he eats home-cooked meals, and he will make sure to never rinse his plates off and put them in the dishwasher. She'll bring him another Schlitz while he watches The World Series of Video Games, flinging those little cardboard holders that Hot Pockets have on them hither, thither, and yon. And maybe by the end of the Team Deathmatch round of Modern Warfare 2, he gets a little too excited and takes his frustration out on her, but it's ok because she understands that he's just mad at videogames and not her. He loves her. And he knows that she understands that he's not mad at her. He loves her.

They will be happy as surrogate mother and man-child, each enabling the other's hosed up psychological issues, until they, unfortunately, have a few children and she decides she's had enough, she's been reading books, she knows this isn't normal. She has two choices. She can leave him, or she can kill herself.

Mommy's gone now, honey. You're going to have to take care of your little brother and sister.

XenoXiaoyu posted:

Anyone have the quote of the young girl growing up in a bad household where she had to take care of her siblings and grows up to take care of her husband? And the husband grows up where his mom has to take care of everything and he grows up as a man child? And the cycle repeats? Can't find it anywhere.

sebmojo posted:

Judges in NZ are called Mister Justice. Not sure about lady judges. Possibly Queen Justicia? Idk.

Solice Kirsk posted:

A sandwich's natural place is to be dunked into any of the opaque broth soups/stews.

Grilled chicken sandwich dunked in corn chowder.
Grilled cheese dunked in tomato.
A quesadilla dunked in chili.
A Tom Tom tamale dunked in Dinty Moore beef stew!

The list is endless!

haveblue posted:

right now the nyc art world is mad because the guggenheim is putting on an exhibition of chinese art that almost included a terrarium full of lizards and bugs eating each other and videos of dogfight dogs (not actually fighting but that's where he got the dogs from) forced to run on treadmills

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

the cadavers used in the Bodies exhibit almost certainly all came from executed chinese prisoners

Trig Discipline posted:

i thought it was weird that i wanted to see more dead bodies only an hour later

Sagebrush posted:

yes, what i'm saying is that americans mostly ate carbs like potatoes and bread, but chinese food is more meats and vegetables and less starch (depends how much rice you eat i guess but i've never heard of anyone saying "oh wow i really filled up on rice")

Who What Now posted:

It was referring to Victor, IIRC

Aphrodite posted:

Why is her Scottish sex ghost named Ronin?

puppets freak me out posted:

Why did they leave out "lay your weary head to rest"?

Pastry of the Year posted:

I sure can, and I never used to tell people about it because the prevailing wisdom is "you can't read in dreams" and I didn't want people to think I was making dreams up.

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

Koalas are loving horrible animals. They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally - their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognise it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behaviour to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death. This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life. Speaking of stupidity and food, one of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that additionally to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they eat) have almost no nutritional value. They can't afford the extra energy to think, they sleep more than 80% of their loving lives. When they are awake all they do is eat, poo poo and occasionally scream like loving satan. Because eucalyptus leaves hold such little nutritional value, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end. Unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal. Many herbivorous mammals have adaptations to cope with harsh plant life taking its toll on their teeth, rodents for instance have teeth that never stop growing, some animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have enlarged molars that distribute the wear and break down plant matter more efficiently... Koalas are no exception, when their teeth erode down to nothing, they resolve the situation by starving to death, because they're loving terrible animals. Being mammals, koalas raise their joeys on milk (admittedly, one of the lowest milk yields to body ratio... There's a trend here). When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn't want to be eaten), it finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves. To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother's anus until she leaks a little diarrhoea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on. This partially digested plant matter gives him just what he needs to start developing his digestive system. Of course, he may not even have needed to bother nuzzling his mother. She may have been suffering from incontinence. Why? Because koalas are riddled with chlamydia. In some areas the infection rate is 80% or higher. This statistic isn't helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape. Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating. If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree, which brings us full circle back to the brain: Koalas have a higher than average quantity of cerebrospinal fluid in their brains. This is to protect their brains from injury... should they fall from a tree. An animal so thick it has its own little built in special ed helmet. I loving hate them.

Dameius posted:

Also someone post the original horses are dumb post.