I sort of made a mockery of the entire political system.

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Debate & Discussion > I sort of made a mockery of the entire political system.

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Hodgepodge: Jan 29, 2006; Can't post for 232 days!

This totally needs to have a non-shitpost tag because it is amazing.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 16:43

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# ? May 9, 2024 00:37

Coheed and Camembert: Feb 11, 2012

Crain posted:

PillowPants: You should starting thinking about which actor you want to play you when Netflix ends up buying the rights to this.

The answer is Gilbert Gottfried, of course. Make it happen.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 16:44

Pillowpants: Aug 5, 2006

Hodgepodge posted:

This totally needs to have a non-shitpost tag because it is amazing.

I posted from my phone and got an error when I tried to tag it with serious.

To answer someone's question, there are 4 elected board members and 1 appointed one. The write in who came in second was somebody already on the board.

The local newspaper reporter is apparently not a fan of mine. I'm tempted to write to Huffpo or something heh.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 18:04

MacheteZombie: Feb 4, 2007

Pillowpants posted:

The local newspaper reporter is apparently not a fan of mine. I'm tempted to write to Huffpo or something heh.

Is he/she already putting out articles smearing you? I think I know who's office should suddenly be condemned.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 18:09

Pillowpants: Aug 5, 2006

MacheteZombie posted:

Is he/she already putting out articles smearing you? I think I know who's office should suddenly be condemned.

No but it was made clear to me that they weren't a fan.

Believe me, I would post the articles.

It's not like my identity is a secret. I did budgets for so many people here.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 18:19

Octatonic: Sep 7, 2010

If I used your budgeting service then completely failed to follow it can I now claim to be destitute because I was victimized by big gouvernement.

Octatonic fucked around with this message at 18:26 on Nov 6, 2015

# ? Nov 6, 2015 18:22

Accretionist: Nov 7, 2012; I BELIEVE IN STUPID CONSPIRACY THEORIES

What's the office situation? Do you at least get a desk?

# ? Nov 6, 2015 18:25

Pillowpants: Aug 5, 2006

Octatonic posted:

If I used your budgeting service then completely failed to follow it can I now claim to be destitute because I was victimized by big gouvernement.

You can't use something that I closed down due to the slow death of the forums haha.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 18:27

Deofuta: Jul 7, 2013; The Corps is Mother
The Corps is Father

Have you prepared a safe house for your loved ones in case The Family follows through on their promises?

# ? Nov 6, 2015 21:15

*PUNCH*: Jul 8, 2007; naked on the internet

Pillowpants posted:

You can't use something that I closed down due to the slow death of the forums haha.

You are complicit in 'starve the beast.' How will you reconcile this policy with your civic duties?

# ? Nov 6, 2015 21:31

MariusLecter: Sep 5, 2009; NI MUERTE NI MIEDO

You should start a community compost heap

free the people from the shackles of Big Compost

# ? Nov 6, 2015 21:39

Pillowpants: Aug 5, 2006

Deofuta posted:

Have you prepared a safe house for your loved ones in case The Family follows through on their promises?

The family is probably too busy worrying that they lost their city council majority.

I should also note that I posted a completely serious endorsement for the city council as though I was a serious politician that mattered, last week.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 22:11

Solkanar512: Dec 28, 2006; by the sex ghost

Pillowpants posted:

The local newspaper reporter is apparently not a fan of mine. I'm tempted to write to Huffpo or something heh.

You should really consider this. Get an upper hand on the media game.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 22:16

Crain: Jun 27, 2007; I had a beer once with Stephen Miller and now I like him.

I also tried to ban someone from a Discord for pointing out what an unrelenting shithead I am! I'm even dumb enough to think it worked!

Solkanar512 posted:

You should really consider this. Get an upper hand on the media game.

Or if there's any local radio shows that take listener comments on current events...

Maybe some of us might have opinions...

(this is the worst idea)

# ? Nov 6, 2015 22:32

OAquinas: Jan 27, 2008; Biden has sat immobile on the Iron Throne of America. He is the Master of Malarkey by the will of the gods, and master of a million votes by the might of his inexhaustible calamari.

Wait, I have it.

Twitch plays Housing Authority.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 22:37

Crain: Jun 27, 2007; I had a beer once with Stephen Miller and now I like him.

I also tried to ban someone from a Discord for pointing out what an unrelenting shithead I am! I'm even dumb enough to think it worked!

OAquinas posted:

Wait, I have it.

Twitch plays Housing Authority.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 22:46

Chard: Aug 24, 2010

OAquinas posted:

Wait, I have it.

Twitch plays Housing Authority.

*pillowpants spends six days trapped in the office bathroom, signing his name on the wall*

# ? Nov 6, 2015 22:51

Pillowpants: Aug 5, 2006

Oh, and because I organized a debate watch gathering at the local bar's function room, the head of the Democratic City Committee told people on the Democrats facebook page to write me in, despite her knowledge that I'm registered as part of some obscure third party in MA.

Somebody needs to change my avatar to this: https://www.google.com/search?q=bul...T5oTU1k047jM%3A

# ? Nov 6, 2015 23:15

woke wedding drone: Jun 1, 2003; by exmarx; Fun Shoe

I would love a write up of what challenges the housing authority faces. Please, please listen to the civil servants.

# ? Nov 7, 2015 00:21

WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Oct 3, 2012; The Hague
tryna get me
for these glutes

SedanChair posted:

I would love a write up of what challenges the housing authority faces. Please, please listen to the civil servants.

Preferably call it "My Struggle"

# ? Nov 7, 2015 01:10

Manifest: Jul 7, 2007; HELLO THERE I COME FROM THE FUTURE

GOON ACHIEVEMENTS

# ? Nov 7, 2015 02:40

Absurd Alhazred: Mar 27, 2010; by Athanatos

Groverhausing.

# ? Nov 7, 2015 02:47

Coatlicue: Sep 14, 2012; it doesn't matter
how fast or how far,
you're still runnin' like a fool

How have your family and friends reacted to you being elected? Do they want you to accept?

# ? Nov 7, 2015 04:14

Phosphene: Aug 11, 2008; I'M NOT TRYING TO GET BIG AND BULKY OKAY WE ALL FAIL DIFFERENT GOALS

Absurd Alhazred posted:

Groverhausing.

If you ever give an interview or speech try to work in some stupid poo poo around serious policies. "The Housing Authority understands your frustrations. I will be the load bearing drywall that holds you up. To do so i will implement the following policies:"

# ? Nov 7, 2015 04:47

Pillowpants: Aug 5, 2006

Coatlicue posted:

How have your family and friends reacted to you being elected? Do they want you to accept?

All of my family knows how much I love politics so they want me to accept and use it as a spring board. My wife doesn't want me to accept because she hates politics. My friends are split based off of my love of politics/the fact that it is not paid.

# ? Nov 7, 2015 11:43

Pillowpants: Aug 5, 2006

quote:

On 9/24, I posted
Whoever lives in District 5; you should write my name in, in November. I will annex surrounding towns so we can have our own District Dunks. Who else can say they will do that?

quote:

On 9/25, I posted
Day 2 of my Write in Campaign for District 5 City Council: Who wants to be my campaign manager? I'll pay you in Reeses Cups.
A vote for me is a vote for me begging Dairy Queen to stay open year round.

quote:

On 9/25, I posted
Since you're all going to vote for me in November, I will hire someone to do febreeze drops from a plane when district 5 starts to smell like poop again.
Pillowpants for district 5 council president dictator extraordinaire

quote:

On 9/26, I posted
Squawks, if you write my name in for City Council, District 5 I will lobby the state to build a giant border wall around Lawrence, with a moat and alligators surrounding the wall.
Vote for me!

quote:

On 9/27, I posted
Squawks, as your future leader I will decide the leash laws in the only fair way:
Each Saturday night, live on PPV (to pay for the schools), I will take representatives from both schools of thought and throw them in a cage with lots of fun stuff. 2 people enter, 1 leaves. Winner decides whether that week is a leash/no leash time.
Pillowpants for write in candidate for all unopposed positions.

quote:

On 9/27 I've been running my amazing Squawks only city council joke campaign for district 5 for only 4 days and my unopposed councilmen already has lawn signs up!
Pillowmentum is catching on!

quote:

On 9/27 I posted
Squawks, I bet you're all sick of the infighting among the politicians in town on all sides. As your District 5 city councilor, I would fight to legalize pot in the city and then require that all political disputes be settled over a viewing of "idiocracy" while high.
Or a duel....whichever you prefer
Pillowpants for Doctor Evil 2015

quote:

On 9/28 I posted
Squawks, This campaign I am on is important. If you don't vote for me for library trustee/housing authority/planning board/district 5 city council/mayor I won't be able to use that awesome useful experience to run for President of the US in 2020.
As president, everyone gets free chocolate! First library trustee, then the world!
Pillowpants for everything!

quote:

On 9/29 I posted
SQUAWKS,
I am here because it is VASTLY important that you elect me Archduke of District 5. I will fix ALL THE THINGS.
But first, I will make sure the falls flow with Craft Beer. I will make sure there is a chocolate fountain on every corner. I Will invent a teleportation device to save us all from Car Payments.
Pillowpants 2015!

quote:

On 9/30 I posted
MY PEOPLE, when you elect me mayor of this great city...I will save all the cats and install cameras on every trash can to prevent people from putting dog poop in yours.
Also, I will bring back the guillotine to help with such punishments
Pillowpants for mayor of District 5
[quote] On 10/1 I posted
Squawks, since I'm not actually qualified for most of the positions in November, fret not! Most of the people running for president aren't either!!
Besides, I will make that company who created solar roads come pave our streets! As library trustee, I would have that power! I promise!
Pillowpants for District 5 overlord 2015

quote:

On 10/2, I posted
Citizens,
In anticipation of being elected Prime Minister of District 5, I decided to use my weather machine to turn the Hurricane towards the sea. Obviously, you need to vote for me so I can use my weather machine to turn the impending snowpocalypse towards the sea as well.
My name is Pillowpants and I approve this message.

quote:

On 10/3, I posted
SQUAWKS,
If elected, I will fix your Monday woes. Using the dictatorial powers given to me when District 5 elects me viceroy, I will change the calendar as we know it.
First, I will make every week 8 days long and designate 3 full days as the weekend each week. Each month will be exactly 32 days! There will only be 11 months of work!
Then, using the remaining hours from the original calendar, I will create a 13 day period of time when everything shuts down in what was late August so that we can all rest.
Also, no more daylight savings time.
Pillow for District five POTUS 2016

quote:

On 10/5, I posted
Squawks,
I have an important announcement to make. I am going to run for president in 2020. I am going to use my election as the Pontif as a testing ground for the Presidency of the United States of America* (Except for Utah).
So vote for me, and let me use the spot as a testing ground for my Pro annexation of Canada agenda.

quote:

On 10/14, I posted
SQUAWKS,
Since I am going to shortly be CEO, I am going to hold a peace treaty night somewhere I haven't mentioned yet, but it will be awesome and run by your glorious overlords....that's probably a lie.
Anyways, since I can't have this peace treaty in Talks because they're a group with a mission and my post would rightfully get deleted, and I can't have the second treaty of versailles on CFLT because humor might get me shot...
Let's have a peace treaty night. Alternative options include a game of tug of war, banishment to Lawrence, or being forced to eat vegemite for every meal for the rest of your life.
Pillowpants for mayor of Pantsland and all political parties across the multiverse.

quote:

On 10/18, I posted
SQUAWKS,
As the future leader of the world, I have an announcement to make. Due to incriminating pictures I may or may not have of Paul and his dog, trooper, earlier today I staged a coup and replaced Paul as the grand poobah of this group.
Stage one is complete. First squawks, next stop....all the seats.
Unfortunately, I now have an opening for campaign manager. Who is in?
*the above statement may or may not be true.

quote:

On 10/20, I posted
SQUAWKS,
It has come to my attention that local politics is a lot like Romeo and Juliet, except instead of a teenage romance it is about a library.
As your future ruler, I promise to make this fair city into more of a dictatorship so that we no longer have a city wide case of what appears to be political "PTSD"
If you have been a victim of library related PTSD, or consider yourself collateral damage in this politics war, have no fear! Dictator Pants is here!
Free chocolate for all! Pillowpants for all the currently uncontested seats!

quote:

On 10/23, I posted
SQUAWKS,
I may be "running" a "joke" campaign right now, but my desire to be a public servant is enormous. I will run for something in the next election (unless you're all awesome and get me elected by my internet-only joke write in campaign), but I really want to address the biggest problem facing politics everywhere; Divisiveness.
All the way from the Presidency down to the City Council Level, we are divided by so much and we just don't have to be. No matter what the issue is, I think it is time to realize that 99% of us all love where we live and just might want to achieve our goals differently.
It's important to note that talk radio, cable news, and the opinion sites all profit off of this divisiveness and they will be no help at all. We will never achieve greatness without being able to work together.
Pillowpants for something, somewhere, sometime. Just write my name in. Do it.

quote:

On 10/24, I posted
Squawks,
Remember: if you plan on writing my name in, please only do so in uncontested elections. I'd hate for the mayoral race to be off by 8 votes again and my joke Facebook campaign could have made a difference.
Plus I'd probably get murdered.

quote:

On 10/30, I posted
SQUAWKS,
As Your future nerd-lord God King,
I Call upon all of you. Vote for me on Tuesday for all the seats, and it will be the start of my Merrimac Valley Empire. That's it, the perfect way to reinvigorate the area and bring all the tourism to it is to declare an Empire from Lowell to Portsmouth and make the Capital City ours.
Pillowpants for Emperor. Free Chocolate for all.

quote:

On 10/31, I posted
SQUAWKS,
On Tuesday, you will all vote for me but until then I have to give you more reasons to vote for you. Not like it will matter anyways, since I have rigged the voting machines to all spit out voted for me.
For one, I have been running my 2020 presidential campaign for the past 7 years. I've given out a lot of chocolate over the past few years.
Secondly, I know where all the aliens are. JFK told me before he died.
Lastly, I will give you all free chocolate....before I annex the New Hampshire seacoast.
Pillowpants 2015

quote:

On 10/31, I posted
SQUAWKS,
As one of my campaign promise, I have been handing out free chocolate tonight.
Campaign promise fulfilled. Win.

Pillowpants for principal 2015

quote:

On 11/1, I posted
SQUAWKS,
Vote for me on Tuesday to be dictator (only for uncontested seats)
I will make all terms four years so we don't have to go through dark times every 2 years.

quote:

On 11/2, I posted
SQUAWKS,
As you go to the polls tomorrow to vote for me in those uncontested seats, I promise that I will not forget you when I eventually become president of the world.
Once a week, I will make sure you receive a giant shipment with 16,000 chocolates. Free chocolate is key. It may or may not be chocolate ex lax.
I also promise, that as dictator, I will be professional and leave my Facebook open to contact from any of my constituents. I will never block you. Your voice deserves to be heard.
I just can't guarantee I'll ever actually listen to you.
PILLOWPANTS FOR GOVERNOR OF PANTSONIA.

quote:

On 11/3, I posted
Serfs of future Pillowberry,
I encourage you to write my name in today for District 5 city council. As a resident here, I am saddened that we have so many uncontested races and I would gladly work with the rest of the city council on continuing this forward momentum we have, while I plan my coup behind the scenes.
My first order of business would be an attempted charter change to make the mayoral term 4 years, which would save money and bring stability to this fair city. This would do a lot to end the divisiveness problem or at least minimize it. Once that happens, the free chocolate AND bacon flood gates will open.
Also, feel free to write me in for Housing Authority and any of the other uncontested/vacant seats. A protest vote is better than no vote at all. I will be your king in less than 15 hours time.
Good luck to everybody today.

quote:

On 11/4, I posted
Squawks,
I want to thank you for electing me to every seat in town. It was a hard fought battle, but my master plan of rigging the voting machines so that every vote registered as a vote for Pope Simpson was successful.
I was also able to survive several assassination attempts yesterday from people on the mean streets last night.
Pay no attention to what the others tell you. I have taken over their Facebook accounts and sent them all to whoville.
Squawkers, it's time to make this city great again. Let the rivers flow with chocolate.
In all seriousness, congrats to everybody who reads this, who won last night.

Pillowpants fucked around with this message at 12:37 on Nov 7, 2015

# ? Nov 7, 2015 11:57

Archonex: May 2, 2012; MY OPINION IS SEERS OF THE THRONE PROPAGANDA IGNORE MY GNOSIS-IMPAIRED RAMBLINGS

If you actually posted those things then goddamn that's great. :allears:

# ? Nov 7, 2015 13:09

Creamed Cormp: Jan 8, 2011; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

lo so random XD

# ? Nov 7, 2015 13:44

Deofuta: Jul 7, 2013; The Corps is Mother
The Corps is Father

Campaign promises are a hell of a drug.

# ? Nov 7, 2015 18:18

Ceiling fan: Dec 26, 2003; I really like ceilings.; Dead Man’s Band

Pillowpants posted:

A grand vision for the future.

Now, I am sure that we can help Pillowpants make all these things come to pass. I mean, if the EPA can make a river run with toxic waste, surely we can make a river run with chocolate and craft beer. In fact, we could make it run with a chocolate bock, taking care of two at once. See? Progress already!

We've got however long Pillowpants' term is to work this out. (We should probably work on that dictator for life stuff first to give us breathing room.) Let's brainstorm on this.

For the febreeze drops: Did you know that people with or trying to get pilot's licences need to practice a lot? They spend a lot of time just aimlessly flying around. We could find one of them to do a drop as part of getting his flight time in. Rig a hose through an outside vent and just pour it through. We would have to find a pilot who's kind of reckless, since the FAA frowns on rigging stuff up to airplanes.

# ? Nov 7, 2015 19:01

Bip Roberts: Mar 29, 2005

Since you're in New Hampshire can you somehow use your position to troll a presidential candidate?

# ? Nov 7, 2015 19:14

Mo_Steel: Mar 7, 2008; Let's Clock Into The Sunset Together; Fun Shoe

I may not be a big city elected official, but I feel like it will be difficult to keep many of those campaign promises.

# ? Nov 7, 2015 19:16

Davethulhu: Aug 12, 2003; Morbid Hound

My understanding is that mothballed aircraft carriers make excellent affordable housing. I think you should look into it.

# ? Nov 7, 2015 19:22

Bushiz: Sep 21, 2004; The #1 Threat to Ba Sing Se; Grimey Drawer

Will you have an office or are these elections a work-from-home situation where you have to show up to meetings occasionally? How many hours a week do you need to put in on an unpaid position?

# ? Nov 7, 2015 19:24

Chard: Aug 24, 2010

You should make an elaborate, ostentatious sash with your position on it and wear it during all official functions. Like the mayor's sash but 200% more camp.

# ? Nov 7, 2015 19:36