- RideTheSpiral
- Sep 18, 2005
-
-
College Slice
|
Back when I worked at Krogers, we were having a "luau special" and ordered a whole pig that we were going to roast in the parking lot and serve to customers at 5.99 a plate with a side of baked beans.
Unfortunately there was a mix up and the delivery truck drops off a live pig on our loading platform! It was a big motherfucker, too. At least five or six hundred pounds, nose all caked with crusty mud and poo poo on its rear end.
Se we're all standing around wondering what to do with this thing. The luau was that afternoon so there was no time to send away for a new pig.
So, because I worked behind the meat counter at the time, I somehow got put in charge of this pig. The manager was emphatic that the luau was not to be cancelled, and it was up to me to get a whole pig for roasting and I could either find a new one, or use the pig we already had.
Well, just because I worked behind the meat counter doesn't mean I knew anything about slaughtering or butchering whole pigs. All I had was a vague idea that the pig is knocked out with a pneumatic hammer and then its throat is slit with a machete to let the blood drain out.
Well we didn't have a pneumatic hammer or a machete, but what we did have was a claw hammer and a 12" marlinspike. So we coaxed the pig off the loading dock into the warehouse (it was pretty docile), where we'd laid out a plastic tarp. We got the pig in the middle of it, then sent out our most junior stockboy with the claw hammer. He would whack it on the head and then I'd stab the pig in the throat with the marlinspike. Everybody else is all gathered around the edge of the tarp to watch.
So the stockboy (we'll call him "Junior") walks out onto the tarp with the hammer. The pig doesn't seem to care, it's just doing its own thing, grunting and making GBS threads.
Junior raises up the hammer and brings it down on the pig's head with an almighty "THWACK!" Like, he really puts his whole body into it. From the sound, we all would have thought he'd smashed the pig's skull in.
Nope.
The pig goes apeshit. It starts screaming and charges at Junior, who gets half trampled before managing to crawl away while the pig is coming back around for another pass. The rest of us scatter, but it's still going after Junior, who actually makes it to the door and would have made it out except we closed and locked all the doors so the pig wouldn't escape (I dunno why we locked them, its not like the pig could work the latch).
Anyway, it bites Junior in the groin, and Junior starts screaming and the pig is still screaming the whole time, and the rest of us are all climbing up the shelves and getting on top of boxes and poo poo while the pig savages Junior's nutsack.
One of the braver guys tries hitting the pig with a broom to get it off of Junior, but that just makes the pig go after him and it chases him into the forklift and traps him there and bites his ankle (we learned that day that pigs don't look like they have sharp teeth, but they can still gently caress you up).
Finally it gets bored of him and starts heading back towards Junior, who is moaning on the ground bleeding out through his crotch. We know that the pig is gonna finish him off once it gets over there, so as it's going past, me and the dairy section guy topple over one of the shelves on top of it. These are those big, steel warehouse shelves so they're pretty heavy and also loaded down with stock. The shelf comes down on piggy like a ton of bricks and the pig is trapped underneath. It's screaming and screaming and it's screams sound almost exactly like Junior's with his nuts bit off.
So while the other guys are helping Junior and unlocking the doors, I jump down from my perch and start stabbing at the pig with the marlinspike. Even with a ton of shelf and frozen chicken thighs on top of it the drat thing is still ungodly strong and I have to put my whole body into it just to get the marlinspike to break its hide. Even with half a dozen holes in its throat, it still takes the pig a good half an hour to finally die. By the end of the morning, our warehouse looks like the set of a Quentin Tarantino film and I'm soaked head to toe in pig blood.
The luau went on as scheduled but a lot of customers got sick from it because we didn't gut the pig properly and some of the poo poo from its intestines got into the meat.
Junior lived and got an out of court settlement from Krogers, not nearly as much as he deserved but enough to cover a plastic dick and a new Mustang.
(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
SMDH at a probation for this epic post by some mod who has probably never made a funny post in his life
|
#
¿
Nov 17, 2015 17:34
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
¿
May 12, 2024 06:37
|
|
- RideTheSpiral
- Sep 18, 2005
-
-
College Slice
|
That sucks! Did you work in aerospace?
no he work in building
|
|
#
¿
Nov 17, 2015 17:41
|
|
- RideTheSpiral
- Sep 18, 2005
-
-
College Slice
|
applewhite dont kill the pig nooooo I have been extremely triggered by this 100% true and real story
|
|
#
¿
Nov 17, 2015 18:39
|
|
- RideTheSpiral
- Sep 18, 2005
-
-
College Slice
|
This thread is much better now that there are no funny posts
|
|
#
¿
Nov 17, 2015 19:52
|
|
- RideTheSpiral
- Sep 18, 2005
-
-
College Slice
|
Can't even stomp a bird to death anymore without the gbs politically correct brigade jumping down your throat
|
|
#
¿
Nov 18, 2015 09:37
|
|
- RideTheSpiral
- Sep 18, 2005
-
-
College Slice
|
does it count as ignoring a rape if you are the one doing the rape
asking for a friend
|
|
#
¿
Nov 18, 2015 13:15
|
|
- RideTheSpiral
- Sep 18, 2005
-
-
College Slice
|
PRO CLICK ZONE
|
|
#
¿
Nov 19, 2015 13:35
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
¿
May 12, 2024 06:37
|
|
- RideTheSpiral
- Sep 18, 2005
-
-
College Slice
|
had to take a poo poo the other day but this motherfucker's ball stank was off the charts and he was blowing the toilet the gently caress up and i was getting nauseous from the sweaty balls dick cheese and rancid poo poo.
dont sign your posts
|
|
#
¿
Nov 21, 2015 11:43
|
|
#
¿
Nov 17, 2015 17:34
