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So I'm in a long distance relationship with my gf of about 9 months. She's in Japan, I'm in the United States, and I'm looking for any tips. We video chat every day and sometimes run out of things to do talk about. So I'm especially interested in ideas for things to do. We sometimes watch tv or movies together, which is fun enough but since you're just sitting there, the interaction is limited, so I was thinking of finding some games we could play together. Maybe a board game or computer game? I used to play MMO's and I had the idea that I could pick that up again with her included (the best of both worlds, mwahaha!) but those games are pretty complicated and she's not a computer nerd so I'm not sure what to play. Or what other activities I should consider. Thoughts? Just looking for tips, ideas, sage advice, and personal experience for LDR's, bonus points for advice specific to American guy/Japanese girl relationships. -Blackadder- fucked around with this message at 07:21 on Dec 11, 2015 |
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Dec 11, 2015 07:12
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When my husband and I got together it wasn't a long distance relationship but we played an MMO together on nights that we didn't physically see each other and it was pretty fun/a nice way to do stuff together in the early days. I was a single mum so we couldn't go out all the time even if we wanted to but at night after work when the kids were in bed we would run around the shire killing wolves and delivering pies. I wasn't a computer nerd and didn't even know what an MMO was before we got together but still enjoyed playing and it was nice to kind of play about and talk then if there was a lull in the conversation - quick, brigands attacking Farmer Maggots orchard! So unless she really hates things that are considered 'nerdy' it's worth suggesting and if she doesn't like it no harm done.
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Dec 11, 2015 12:01
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First we need some background information: Did you meet her in person and she moved to Japan for work/school? Or did you meet online and have since (or never) met in person? If one or both of you do travel to see the other, how often? How long do you stay? Is there a plan to transition from a LDR to a physical relationship, with a soft or hard date set? How old are both of you? Be vague if necessary. LDRs are tough. They require either absolute trust from both parties, or the expectation/acceptance that physical needs will be met in the meantime - especially if it's going to be a long term separation. This is doubly true if you met online and have never or have only infrequently met in person. People need affection, people want sex, it's human nature. If that isn't something you've discussed at all, you should probably do that - and if it's going to be that you're going to sleep with other people while separated, figure out some ground rules and loving stick to them. My immediate advice is for both of you to find a new hobby to pursue and share with each other - doesn't matter what, as long as you're both interested in it. It will give you something new to talk about every day as you explore it, plus trying new things is fun in general. Maybe set a goal of finding one new hobby to share every 3 months or something - whether one or both of you keeps pursuing the former ones, who cares, but it's something to base a conversation around. I'd stay away from MMOs personally, but that's mostly because I've never understood the appeal and I see them as socially destructive. Another idea, if you aren't already doing it - both of you should get on snapchat or instagram and share your days with each other constantly. Doesn't have to be anything poignant or funny, just a way to stay connected throughout the day. I don't really use either one, but they seem tailor made for your situation. I'd also recommend not video chatting every single day, for a couple reasons. It's likely going to stifle one or both of your social lives locally if every time your friends go out, you have to go home to get on a webcam. It's also part of why you run out of things to talk about so often - you can only cram so much experience into a conversation. Personal experience, I was in a LDR off and on for a couple years awhile back. One or the other of us would fly to visit the other (TX/NYC in this case) basically every month. It worked for awhile, but ultimately trust issues killed it. And that's probably unrealistic in your case, flying from TX to NYC is magnitudes cheaper than crossing the Pacific. Personally, I wouldn't do another one unless it was going to be limited term with a well defined end date (i.e. I have to be on site with a client for 3 months). In the end, I found it unfulfilling and I was unhappy with how much time I spent working on it. Sorry to be a bit of a buzzkill, but that was my experience. Maybe I'm just old, gently caress.
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Dec 12, 2015 13:00
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I have a large deal of experience with LDRs. Every one of my major relationships has ended because of one of the two of us moving away. My high school girlfriend and I dated for about 3 1/2 years, the last year she was two hours away at college. We drifted apart because reasons and decided to call it off. I then dated a girl who lived about 8 hours away for about 6 months, only got to see her a few times, we both decided we wanted something more easy as it was college and we had a lot of options and it sucked being away. I then dated a girl for about a year, and then I went to the Peace Corps, leaving her at college. We both knew from the start that it wasn't going to last, but at the last minute she said she wanted to do LDR. I knew it was a bad decision, but did it anyway. Cue me getting my heart broken when I learned she had been loving my friends since like the week I left. I was lonely and bitter alone in the desert in a foreign country for a long time, but I finally realized that it was mostly my fault. And now I'm in Japan, having dated a girl for about 10 months, breaking up with her before I left and retaining contact, but making sure it was clear we were not together. Like someone has said, there's basically two options, both which require a massive amount of trust or a pretty open-mindedness towards relationships in general. In the first one you're both dedicating that you won't have sex/romantic whatevers with other people. This is easy at first, but rapidly grows harder. You will run out of things to talk about, sparks will die, and the only thing you'll have to keep you going most of the time is the memories of how much you cared for each other and the idea that it'll be that way again in the future. Even with absolute trust it is hard to not worry, because you'll take for granted just how in the dark you are. When you're dating someone you're usually within similar social circles, you get to know people they know, you have a relative timeline of what they do and where they go. Even if they were trying to cheat on your or something it'd be difficult because you two run in similar circles and see each other. Not in an LDR. It requires complete trust in the other person. It's especially unnerving when a friend is like "Oh yeah I saw Becky at the bar last night..." and she didn't mention it because she didn't even think that it was worth talking about. It just requires a huge amount of trust. The other one is to basically be in an Open Relationship. I personally think these are mostly bullshit, because you're just gently caress Buddies at that point, but it's worked for some people. I guess the caveat on that one is you have to be okay with the idea that your SO is loving someone on the reg that isn't you. My mistake with Peace Corps girlfriend was that I made this big speech about how I didn't want to do LDR because I wanted her to be free to have the fun college experience I know she wanted, which meant other guys, and when she said she wanted to keep dating I assumed that she was saying "No I only want you", which was not the case and caused...some confusion. The thing about this option is that there will always be one person who meets that "someone else" first. And if it's not you it's gonna hurt. You'll have to be the one who's alone thinking about how your SO isn't. And while you're at the office or whatever he/she might be off getting laid by someone else. And there's always the risk that maybe they'll fall for that other person, or lose feeling for you. And that can make you overreact and say "Not lets just date and be exclusive I love you" even if that's not what both of you wanted to do. It's just tricky all around. All that being said, I think it can work. But like any relationship you need really clear communication. I would only ever recommend doing it if you can see a long-term (IE permanent) future with that person. Two years isn't a long time if you're going to spend you're life with someone. Two years is a long time if you wasted it sitting around and ended up with nothing but heartbreak.
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Dec 13, 2015 10:32
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I don't want to sound like an rear end in a top hat, but I'm going to come into this thread and give my honest thoughts. Nine months isn't long enough. I've had an off and on again LDR over the years. But I'd known my girlfriend for two years before it had happened and she went away overseas for over a year. Honestly, I can't imagine doing it if I had known her for less time. When you're young, it's a huge sacrifice and it's a huge gamble. I won't lie - there were a lot of nights where I thought she'd tell me she was going to stay over there, or she had gone out to a party and met this great guy and she's so sorry... This isn't being paranoid. These are normal fears and if you don't confront them head on and aren't able to handle them when they creep up on you in the dead of night, they're going to destroy you. Anyway, we did the watching movies and such at the same time thing, talked on Facebook, talked on Skype, all that sort of thing. I'm not going to lie about this, either - I hated it. I'm the kind of person who hates talking into a webcam for an hour at a time. And I know that the constant communication through all that has led to bad habits even when we're back together, where we both get nervous when we don't reply to each other quickly. Honestly, I don't recommend it. However, if you think the girl is worth it, you need to give it a shot. But, like everyone else has said, it takes clear communication and set boundaries. The biggest thing I'd point to is getting a timetable set up. At least in the case of my LDR, I knew it was only for a year. It's one of those things where if it works out, well, that's great. But, if you end up having to end the relationship, it's going to compound the break-up depression with the idea that you've been essentially carrying a printer for her for however long the LDR has been going on. LDRs can work and, honestly, they're easier to do than ever before given the prevalence of social media and such. But they're always going to be rough, you'll need to make sacrifices and need to be mentally tough to handle things like, hey, it's another party that you'll be going to alone but can't really enjoy it like all the other people who are there alone.
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Dec 13, 2015 12:20
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Me and my wife were together one year, LDR a bit more than one year due to study related stuff, and then she moved back to me. It worked pretty well, but we knew from the start when she was coming back. Doubt it would've worked otherwise. So my advice is basically to make some kind of plan. Uncertainty is pretty tough. Edit: running out of stuff to say over Skype was pretty common, and annoyed both of us. Now when we've been together ten years we hardly talk about anything of consequence anyway. Just consider it a small taste of long term relationship boredom... 
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Dec 13, 2015 14:27
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Dec 13, 2015 19:44
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I met my fiance in the Peace Corps, we dated for 9 months seeing each other only on the weekends. She moved back to the States, and we did 1 year of long distance. I traveled back twice in that time to visit for three weeks at a time. We pretty much skyped every single day, no excuses. Didn't matter how busy we were, we found time to skype. We're engaged now, and our wedding is in two weeks! Edit: There has to be some endpoint to the LDR. There isn't any point to being in a relationship if you can't make a firm commitment to get back to a regular relationship, whatever the timeline is. Visits help, and give you something to look forward to when times get tough. grenada fucked around with this message at 20:25 on Dec 13, 2015 |
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Dec 13, 2015 20:19
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Unless you have a firm date for living in the same place, you're just gonna go crazy. LDRs always have this weird rubberband effect between the familiarity you have with them online (how they present themselves) and the familiarity you have with them in real life, which is different, but tends to trip on it's own feet trying to catch up to the illusionary place you are in your online relationship. I tried it twice. Never again. No idea what it would be like with a cultural divide that big, though. I mean, obviously you're going to do it anyway, but try to remember that it's her sanity you're influencing as well as your own.
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Dec 14, 2015 01:25
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Shooting Blanks posted:First we need some background information: Seconding all of this because it really is important. Have you met in person before? Do you have a plan for one of you to move? Set date? Do you have the finances to do so and the patience for visa bullshit? If the answer to any of these is "no" then I say end it now and don't bother. My husband and I did long distance for just over a year. (England and Kuwait, later England and USA.) The thing is we met in person before the relationship even began. (Simply put; we are a failed hotel hookup.  ) We chatted over Google Talk daily, made use of Whatsapp and video called at least once a week when possible. We met up in Dubai after our initial weekend at the hotel in England to test the waters in another vacation setting. After that we decided to commit and one of us would visit the other every couple of months or so. Would any of this have been possible if he was working a different job which didn't pay out the rear end? No. Would we have made it a relationship if we couldn't somewhat regularly see each other in person? No. Immigration costs a lot, one of you won't see their family often, a wedding would probably be teeny and rushed and the long-distance side of things takes an immense amount of trust. Decide early if it's worth it for you.Also seconding the advice to maybe not video call every single day.
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Dec 14, 2015 03:04
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Hey, what's up, I am an LDR survivor! I met my boyfriend about two years ago through okcupid and within a week of when we started chatting, I was sending my friends frantic texts that were all like "help I'm super in love with this guy but he lives 1600 miles away". We didn't meet in person for nine months after that, but we talked every single day, and there was pretty much no doubt in my mind by the time we met that this was the real thing. A little over a year from the first time we met in person, I moved to Seattle and now we live together! It's pretty great! I feel like a lot of people can be really negative about LDRs, but even though it was really miserable while I was in it, mine ended up working out about as perfectly as you could wish for. Here are my tips: Don't video chat every day if you're running out of stuff to talk about. Duh. I literally never once video chatted with my boyfriend in the whole time we were long-distance. We texted constantly, and would sometimes talk on the phone, but only if one of us had a story to tell that was too complicated to type out (or, once, when he wasn't receiving any of my texts and I worked myself into such a frenzy over it that I thought his lack of response meant that he was either dead or he hated me so I called him in tears). Talk about sex and monogamy. Maybe it won't be an issue in your relationship (it wasn't in mine), maybe it will, but it's better to make sure you're both on the same page before it turns out that you're not and someone gets hurt. If you don't have an end-date, try to at least always have an upcoming trip planned to look forward to. Even if you can only see each other once a year, it helps SO MUCH to have that date circled on your calendar. I actually kept a countdown app on my phone so I could always know how long we had. We managed to see each other about once every three months, which is less practical if you're living in different countries, but it was a manageable timeline. r/LongDistance has a lot of suggestions for internet games that you can play together. This is dumb, but my boyfriend and I are, to this day, in a facebook poke war. It's a silly fun way to feel like you're always in contact, even if you're not having a conversation. I second whoever said that you need to be able to see yourself in a long-term committed relationship with this person before you go any further. It's a really really big decision, you can't casually date someone long-distance.
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Dec 14, 2015 05:19
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Over the eight years my husband and I have been together we've spent lots of time apart in chunks ranging from one to six months thanks to his job. Here's what worked for us and what definitely did/would not have. 1. Communicate every day. When he was in the Philippines and I was in Canada, Skype or phone calls were pretty impractical, so mostly we texted or emailed. When we were just in different provinces we talked on the phone every day. Even if it's just a quick call, it means a lot to know your partner is thinking of you - I used to phone him when I was getting into bed; if we hadn't talked yet that day we'd spend some time catching up on our days, and if we'd been in contact we'd just say a quick goodnight and I love you. We did almost no video chatting because I hate it. 2. Send each other physical objects. It was really important for us to talk every day but it was also really fun to get letters/postcards/parcels. Having something tangible in hand is different than other kinds of communication and it's a nice treat to keep you going. 3. See each other in person as frequently as possible. If that's every six months, fine, but just planning a trip together can tide you over for awhile. This goes along with the excellent advice everyone else has given to set an end date for the long-distance part of the relationship (or else you risk setting an end date for the relationship itself). Knowing long-distance would be dragging on indefinitely would have been absolutely horrible. Knowing there was an end in sight was super important. 4. We had a policy that, no matter what, if the other person needed to talk to you, you made the time. If he called me, unless I was literally in the middle of an emergency, I stepped out to talk to him. If I was literally in the middle of an emergency, I called him back as soon as I could. Knowing that your partner prioritizes you is important. 5. Being in an open relationship would have killed our relationship, no question. It's one thing to play around a little with how you're going to address fidelity when you're spending most of your time physically together; it's another thing entirely to be getting ALL your needs met by someone else while your partner is away. I guess my advice would be: talk to her every day, send her stuff, have her send you stuff, one of you should go to where the other one is every so often, and soon one of you should go to where the other one is permanently.
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Dec 15, 2015 02:15
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Dogfish posted:Over the eight years my husband and I have been together we've spent lots of time apart in chunks ranging from one to six months thanks to his job. Here's what worked for us and what definitely did/would not have. I'm going to go the completely opposite direction on this, not because I think you're wrong, but I think what works for some doesn't work for others and I want to present the alternative. My wife and I knew each other for about two weeks before I deployed for a year (we were a pre-deployment one night stand that failed at being one night), and then we had about a year and a half together before a deployment plus overseas assignment separated us for about two years. Through both of these times we only got to physically visit each other about once every six months. Honestly I feel like what made things work for us was not trying to communicate constantly. I mean sometimes we did sometimes we didn't, sometimes I'd call her every day and we'd talk for hours, sometimes I'd go a week and neither of us would have anything we felt like talking about, other times I'd go months where the only communications I could get out was a 5 minute garbled sat phone call once every 3 to 4 weeks that basically consisted of "I'm still alive and whole, let me my parents know". We both just kind of accepted that for awhile we each had our own separate lives on the other side of the planet and we didn't need to pretend otherwise, but we loved each other and we'd be back together soon(tm). Neither of us ever felt suspicious of the other, or felt the need be constantly appraised of what the other was doing so as to feel reassured about fidelity.
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Dec 15, 2015 09:19
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Move.
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Dec 15, 2015 18:06
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Trust and an exit plan. Trust her absolutely and completely and have a time line to change or end the long distance part of the relationship.
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Dec 16, 2015 01:27
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Work on your long distance cuck fetish.
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Dec 16, 2015 12:52
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I was in a long distance relationship for a couple of years and just this year we got married and moved in together. I don't think there's any one trick or solution about long distance or relationships in general, to be honest. We talked every day and it was never a big issue for us, but I don't think anyone should try to be what they're not. If you have a huge social life it could be a conflict, but I was doing graduate school and she was starting a new job, so we both were focused on our own poo poo. I think, anecdotally, the reason we survived because of a few things. 1). We always had another trip or meet-up together to look forward to within a few months. 2). We travelled to new places together and built a lot of lifelong memories and experiences when we were together, and 3). We were both interested in and respected each other's cultures. I was probably a little American smug sometimes, but overall I loved being with someone from a place so different than me. Things like trust and respect need to be an assumed part of a relationship if you're doing this. Maybe that's obvious, but trust and misplaced trust are the reason people don't trust long distance.
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Dec 17, 2015 00:42
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I'm a pessimist so I'm just going to say don't. You're not anywhere close to eachother, you're not together. Put it on hold and be buddies and if you meet again then try again. In the meantime find happiness elsewhere.
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Dec 17, 2015 02:54
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So. I'm in Scotland. My girlfriend is in Seattle. Helpfully, being in Glasgow, we at least share the weather Here are my thoughts, in no especial order: Have a plan to close the distance. This is the most important thing. This means one of you getting a job in the other's country, applying for a visa, all that jazz. Know who that person is going to be. Know the visa process. Have a prospective timeline; a line in the sand that says 'something must be moving forward by this point unless there is a very good reason'. My girlfriend and I know how to close the distance; we simply have to wait another eighteen months or so. Do not let your life revolve around your relationship. It's easy, when you can't see someone every day in passing, to prioritise them above all others. If my other half did that, I'd go crazy, and vice-versa. I see my friends; she sees hers. We have a time-slot every day where we catch half an hour to an hour of text-chat, but that's really the only guaranteed time. If I'm out all evening, I often won't get to speak to her for most of her day—she's leaving work when I'm going to bed. That's okay. Having your own, independent life is very important. Focus on the positives. I could go on at length to my girlfriend about how much I miss her. You miss the little things most of all, but how you phrase it is important both for you and for them. You don't say "I miss doing x"; you say "I am looking forward to doing x". Put emphasis on the positive rather than the negative way of expressing your feeling. Stop video chatting every day. Congratulations! You have successfully stunted the conversation by making it utterly artificial. My girlfriend and I used to video chat now and again; it started out once a week, and fizzled to once a month. We chatted about it, and both realised that what we really disliked was having to sit at our computer just to interact. The solution? Skype voice chat on our hands-free kits. We'll chat while I'm doing the dishes and she's knitting. We'll chat when I'm working on a craft project and she'l cooking. It's a much more meaningful way of interacting. ~~~~wavylines LDRs are hard, and are, honestly, often cop-outs. They're seen as a safe way to have a relationship that gives emotional fulfilment, a martyr complex, and all without the pesky bit of having to share space with another person with likes and dislikes and irrationalities. If you're in this because you've had no luck in your immediate surroundings, then you're probably in it for the wrong reasons. If you've never met the girl, then you're definitely in it for the wrong reasons. I've known my girlfriend for over six years. We've chatted, on and off, since we met. Sometimes we'd go half a year without saying anything, and then there'd be a flurry of activity. At the start of this year, we were talking more, and it became clear that we both wanted more out of our relationship than just a friendship. She immediately booked to fly over, and two months later, there she was. But—this is the crucial bit, OP—we knew that we had to close the gap as soon as possible to make sure it was going to work in person. She wasn't here for long, and has been back since (and I'm going out in January), but we know we work as people in the same space. You do not. You need to find this out. Or, really, you need to ask yourself why you're in this in the first place. [Edit] OP, do not have a LDR. -Blackadder- posted:I do have a girlfriend but I'm thinking of getting a new one, current one is annoying. Jeherrin fucked around with this message at 12:07 on Dec 17, 2015 |
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Dec 17, 2015 12:01
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Jeherrin posted:
Haha drat. The idea of getting WiFi headsets is really good, thanks thread! To contribute, it's nice to have video/voice chat on while everyone does their own thing like reading a book or browsing the internet. You don't need to constantly talk, cause that's not what you'd do living together anyways. I also really enjoy long distance cooking. Get the same ingredients, plop your laptop into the kitchen, cook some stuff together and have a nice dinner. Or choose a type of restaurant for takeout, browse the menu together, get stuff and eat together. married but discreet fucked around with this message at 12:56 on Dec 17, 2015 |
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Dec 17, 2015 12:40
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Jeherrin posted:OP, do not have a LDR. If you find her "kind of annoying" in an LDR god help you when/if you're ever close together or worse, living together. Yeah don't do this
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Dec 17, 2015 15:26
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Shooting Blanks posted:Did you meet her in person and she moved to Japan for work/school? Or did you meet online and have since (or never) met in person? The difference between a girlfriend/boyfriend, and a pen pal
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Dec 17, 2015 18:27
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Go find someone on your own area code. An LDR is only worth it if you have a existing relationship that you want to keep going and only then if you have a set end date.
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Dec 18, 2015 23:30
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OP you asked for advice specific to American guy/Japanese girl relationships. I am the former and dated a boatload lot of the latter, and been in LDRs crossing like 13 time zones. My advice is basically this:Cyrano4747 posted:Go find someone on your own area code. Once you overcome the language barrier, there isn't anything magical or different about Japanese girls. You may find she has an outdated mindset about some things, because gender equality never really caught on in Japan. But even that really depends on the person. Cheating isn't frowned upon nearly as much in Japan as it is in the US/on these forums. If she's even remotely attractive, chances are your little Hanako is getting plowed by someone else anyway, likely some foreigner living in Japan. Most Japanese girls that date foreigners do not go back to dating Japanese guys. Do you really think she wants to sit at home and play MMORPGs with you? Wherever she may live in Japan, surely there are more exciting things going on that she would prefer to be doing, rather than sitting in front of a PC grinding her character to raid some virtual dungeon. There are plenty of Japanese girls living in America too, if that's what you want. Unless you have some plans to move to Japan or her to the US,
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Dec 19, 2015 02:37
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Have an end date for the distance or don't even bother. Have a plan and some kind of timeline at the very least for being actually together. There's a reason people keep bringing this up. The key for an LDR is that it MUST be temporary. Scudworth fucked around with this message at 04:58 on Dec 19, 2015 |
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Dec 19, 2015 04:54
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Start railing somebody else so you win the breakup.
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Dec 19, 2015 05:29
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zmcnulty posted:Do you really think she wants to sit at home and play MMORPGs with you? Wherever she may live in Japan, surely there are more exciting things going on that she would prefer to be doing, rather than sitting in front of a PC grinding her character to raid some virtual dungeon. I find MMOs to be fun  However, I will agree that it's not really a good way to have LDR over MMOs because I always thought it'd be weird to be that guy who convinced his wife/GF to join the guild b/c why not. Then the eventual breakup. GL.
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Dec 20, 2015 04:06
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My god, the time I wasted on online relationships due to low self confidence when I could have been focusing on what was all around me. Every one of them ended poorly. Not trying to be a betty buzzkill, but I don't like LDR's. They take a huge toll on you mentally and emotionally even if you communicate with your SO every day and are completely faithful and/or understanding of each other's situation. I wrecked my late teens and a good chunk of my twenties with LDR's and wish I could get that time back. Unless you are absolutely, positively sure that this is going to lead to something great in the future, don't put yourself through the emotional threshing machine that a LDR can be.
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Dec 23, 2015 09:26
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I've been very happy with my long distance relationship, and I like to encourage other people to go for it. Technology makes it easier than ever. But yeah, several caveats. 1. Plan visits. Many visits. You can actually have decent online relationships but they need to have goals to preserve momentum. Consider living together only after many visits. 2. Find a hobby you can share, discuss and explore. Me and my boyfriend cook together, often during Skype calls. 3. Trust is loving everything. Discuss sexual needs and whatever, but if know the end, there is ANY doubt, it will ruin the both of you. 4. Be independent. Care about yourself. I'm serious, this is one of the few benefits of LD - you HAVE to be independent and lead your own life, and this is rather an uplifting feeling for someone who loses their identity in a relationship normally or has even dealt with abusive bullshit. But you HAVE to be a little selfish. Or else, when things go bad, they can go very bad. Consider an expensive trip to Japan. If you go and things don't work out, you feel very bitter because of the amount of money you spent. But if you see it as a vacation and an adventure with some love on the side, you will still have gained something even if things have gone sour. Same with moving. Don't do it just for her. Do it first for yourself, then her. Along the same lines, vacation dates are a great LD date opportunity.
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Dec 28, 2015 06:42
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I met my now wife of three years through these very forums. We lived about 1,000 miles apart. A month after we started dating I flew to her and spent a weekend with her so we could meet in person for the first time, then about every two months after that one of us would fly down for a week or so. I saved up enough money so I could spend the summer of my senior year in college living with her. That November I proposed and she decided to move to where I am in January since I still had a semester left in school. My original plan was to move to her when I graduated, but she wanted to be together sooner. The December of the year she moved here we got married on our two year anniversary, 13 months of that engaged. The main thing I would echo is you have to have an endgame. For us the endgame was as soon as I was done with school it would no longer be a LDR. Her moving pushed the schedule forward a bit, but that was just more awesome. Also, visits. Because you don't see each other every day these visits are concentrated greatness, so not only do you very much enjoy them but looking forward to the next one can help sustain the relationship until you get to the endgame. Being that much further apart makes the visits more expensive, so every two months might not be possible, but that worked for us. For creating this endgame, figure out what is anchoring the two of you to your respective locations. Also, ask yourself if you would be willing to relocate to Japan to be with her even if it involves leaving behind all of your friends, family, and business relationships. If you wouldn't be willing to, you shouldn't expect her to be willing to do the same for you, and it makes the possibility of and endgame very unlikely. Reik fucked around with this message at 19:05 on Jan 5, 2016 |
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Jan 5, 2016 19:01
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-Blackadder- posted:So I'm in a long distance relationship with my gf of about 9 months. She's in Japan Peek goon.
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Jan 7, 2016 22:05
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Don't do it unless there's a solid end date or plan to set one. If not you just have a very needy pen pal that is stifling your local social life.
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Jan 8, 2016 00:41
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Rhymenoserous posted:Peek goon. Harsh yet true. I really think it would be important to know whether you have actually met this person or not. I did long distance for ~2 years with my girlfriend (we have been together for around 6 years by now). We met during her undergrad year abroad, and lived in the same place for a year, though in separate flats. She moved back to where she studied afterwards, in order to finish her undergrad, and she also did another degree afterwards, as I finished my respective degrees. This was a split between Germany & Scotland, so a reasonable distance. We chatted fairly regularly in the evening via Skype, but more importantly, we visited each other often, which was much more important. Therefore, I always found that the most important thing was to know when exactly you would see each other next. The longest stretches where we didn't see each other were ~7 weeks, and those were rare, while 4 weeks were a more common interval. Knowing (as in: having booked flights, not something like "it would be nice if...") helped to bridge the time in between. And since we were both students, we were a bit more flexible with times, so going on a Thursday or only leaving on a Tuesday wasn't a big deal. We also spent more significant amounts of time in one of the two places during term breaks. Apart from seeing each other rather regularly in the flesh, the other thing we tried to assure was that we would converge in one place after finishing our respective degrees while going into our current studies. Otherwise, we would have looked at another 3+ years of long distance, which neither of us particularly fancied. Thus, I spent the summer after those 2 years at her place (I finished my course before she did), we went on a holiday and from there moved to a new place together, where we lived for 3 years until the summer. We have since moved to another place together. That said, long distance was not necessarily always a bad thing for our relationship. Since we both stuck it out, that suggested we really quite liked each other and that the other person was worth it. It also meant building a lot of trust, which is never a bad thing. Additionally, it taught us (and especially my girlfriend, who was not exactly raised by her parents to be fiercly independent) how to be independent yet still together, doing things separately with friends etc. Neither of us particularly felt like we were missing out on university life or on dating people where we lived; in fact, we treated the situation more as having two homes (and there were always the weekends inbetween seeing each other to do things where we normally lived). Long distance further meant that we had to get quite good at communicating, because it becomes even more important to address problems or worries before they become anything major lest they explode when you physically meet next, potentially spoiling the occasion in the process. Ultimately, however, much of this probably only mattered and worked because we first got to know each other face-to-face, and spent the initial phase of sussing each other out together in the same place, so we had a pretty good idea what we would get at the end of the long distance part of our relationship. More specifically, I think the only way long distance can work is if it is exactly that: an intermezzo or an intermittent phase in a preexisting relationship where both seek to continue life together in one place again afterwards. I doubt that something that starts as a long distance relationship (especially over extreme distances) will have the same chance of success, or it might yield some unpleasant surprises (cf. quote above). Hollow Talk fucked around with this message at 18:37 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Jan 8, 2016 18:25
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My story is probably more of an inspiration than outright advice, sooo... My girlfriend knew I would be going away to Japan for two years while we were just two months in (we met on a dating site, so those were all of the months she knew me) and when I left, we were 9 months into our relationship. Quote a few people said we wouldn't last. Those assholes! Anyways, while in Japan, we wrote emails, and then we started having these hour long Skype chats every evening (7 hour difference, so it would be midnight for me) and we'd shoot poo poo, talk about our days, maybe do some crying when necessary. We also got on viber and being the friendless goon that I am, my day would feel off until she woke up and started writing back. Later on, we'd leave skype on for hours during the weekends because we're both tied to computers. We wouldn't necessarily talk all the time but I loved seeing her. Meanwhile, viber is good for informing each other all the time, because in Japan, all phones are on the internet all the time. There's also the sexting, trading of pictures and videos and the like. You can probably sort it out by yourself, tho! We also had movie nights, which people found weird. I don't. I have a beer, some funky Japanese snacks and my girlfriend is in a tiny skype window in the corner. We do a countdown and start watching, and if by magic, I'm not weirdo who's drinking alone with his computer! Sure, you can't snuggle up, but she's there and I can see her, and make fun of the movie. It's great. My girlfriend isn't much of a nerd, but we tried multiplayer videogames. Of course, we have various internet problems. We could have probably gotten on DDO online, since it was lovely enough for her PC to play it, and she seemed interested, but I had trouble running it on mine. Couldn't play team fortress because of ping. We settled on Awesomenauts, a sidescroller MOBA that's mostly casual friendly. We would also send emails from time to time and dead tree letters. Bitches love feelings on paper! Her letters were also very sweet, would bring me to tears. Oh, and she visited me, twice. First time was ~8 months for two weeks of Christmas, then she came for three months next summer. poo poo was cash, we got to travel (because I would hardly do that on my own), Japan is as loving weird (and as loving cool) as people make it out to be. Love that place. Except for Tokyo. Now, Japan is really expensive and you should plan for any places you want to go in advance, but it's really cool and people are really helpful. Also, it's safe. Japan is so safe, Japanese go to Canada as their first foreign country to gradually learn that the rest of the world isn't as safe. Seriously. Anyways, I'm back, it's been like 11 months and we live together and It's great. I sometimes feel nostalgia for Japan, and she does too.
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Jan 9, 2016 07:23
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JcDent posted:Bitches love feelings on paper! True romance.
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Jan 9, 2016 07:31
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Pixelante posted:True romance. Poets have known this for millennia. Imma write that bitch a sonnet. Bitches love sonnets.
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Jan 10, 2016 20:44
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Geniasis posted:Poets have known this for millennia. And this is why E/N is full of dudes getting laid. ...oh wait.
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Jan 10, 2016 22:55
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What can I say, we're big fans of the classics...
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Jan 11, 2016 05:43
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Pixelante posted:And this is why E/N is full of dudes getting laid. To be fair, you also have to be talented. At something. So naturally e/n doesn't count
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Jan 12, 2016 22:11
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So, how's it going, BA?
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Jan 13, 2016 17:55
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