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http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4907&title=Cutting+Room+Floor
curlingiron fucked around with this message at 02:54 on Dec 12, 2016 |
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Jul 11, 2016 05:27
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Reach for the Sky, a Haiku Giant libido: A tower is a dildo If you're tall enough
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Jul 11, 2016 10:54
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Rash Decisions 1450 words  “This is literally the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” Kaylee rolled onto her back and put her arm across her face tragically. “Yep, definitely the end of the world,” said her mother, leaning against the doorframe. “This is so stupid! It’s just a rash, Mom! Nobody else cares about it! Just because you’re a nurse doesn’t mean that you need to be so uptight about every little thing.” “Well, we’re gonna have to agree to disagree on that one, hon. The doctors aren’t sure what’s going on with this thing, and that means you’re not going anywhere until it clears up.” Her mother came over and kissed her on the forehead. “In the meantime, try to get some rest, okay? I know you’re feeling fine now, but we don’t want it to get any worse.” Kaylee rolled over so her back was to the door as her mother left to go downstairs, and pulled out her phone. There was a message from her friend Janelle waiting for her. where r u??? I’m in line all by myself! :,( mom says I cant go cuz of this stupid thing. Kaylee snapped a picture of her arm, where a small rash was blooming and sent it back to Janelle. omg noooo!! u have to come, I’m so lonely! i kno, me too. we’ll hang out soon. i’m just jealous ur at the store. i wanna b there! i’d get one for u too, but they said we can only get one per person. : ( this sux Kaylee put down the phone and stared at the rash on her arm. “This really sucks.”  “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but we’re completely out.” The store associate looked tired, and a little impatient. Marina felt sorry for him – if the crowds she had seen at the other stores were any indication, he’d had a rough day. There was already a line stretching behind her, probably waiting to ask the same thing. “Okay, well, do you know when there’ll be another shipment? I’m sorry to ask, it’s just my daughter really had her heart set on coming down here this morning, and now she’s mad at me because I made her stay home.” “We haven’t had any word on when that might be, no, but I can put you down on the list of you want.” “That would be great, thanks.” Marina smiled at him in sympathy as she gave him her information. “It’s funny, isn’t it? Here we are, not ten miles from the company that makes these, and I still can’t find the darn thing.” A hand gripped suddenly at Marina’s shoulder, and a woman with fever-bright eyes pushed past her. “That’s right! We’re practically at headquarters, and you’re telling us you don’t have any? I call bullshit!” The crowd behind them started to murmur in agreement, and Marina looked around in alarm. “That’s not what I was trying to-“ “I think he’s holding out on us!” someone towards the back of the line cried, and the crowd's volume rose. “Hey, hold on-" the sales associate began to back away, and the press of bodies increased. The woman next to Marina dove across the counter towards the associate, clawing and shrieking at him. Others followed, and Marina began to scream.  “…And that’s when all hell broke loose.” Daniel sat in the break room, cradling one arm as he talked to the officer. “I see. Did you get a good look at your attacker?” “The first woman, I guess, but after that it was just chaos. There were so many of them, I honestly thought I was going to die.” He shook his head. “I don’t get it. It’s such a stupid toy.” The officer laughed. “Yeah, somebody at the station had one a couple of days ago. I didn’t take the offer to try it out, so maybe there’s something I’m missing out on, but I don’t get the appeal myself.” “I don’t even know if there’s anything to get. It’s a fuzzy toy you rub on yourself. That’s it. But people are going crazy about them. Our manager was here during the Tickle-me-Elmo thing, and even he’s never seen it this bad.” “Are you sure you don’t need medical attention?” The officer gestured to Daniel’s arm. “I think I’m okay for now. I’m gonna have my doctor look at it soon, but there was a nurse here who checked me out, and she said that there was nothing too urgent, thank God.” “Alright, if you’re sure. I’m going to go interview some of your other coworkers and see if we can get the security tapes. I’ll let you know if we need anything else. My name is Katrina Alvarado, you can ask for me at the station if you want an update on the investigation.” “Thank you, but I’m hoping that I can just forget this as soon as I can.”  “Why am I here, again?” Kat sat in a stiff pantsuit next to the District Attorney. “I didn’t think street cops were usually invited to this kind of thing.” “I just thought that it might be enlightening, seeing this kind of thing for yourself. The other side, as it were.” The man next to her wore his tailored suit with an authority that never failed to make Kat feel about five. “Dad, seriously, I’ve already told you that I’m not interested in following in your footsteps.” “Just humor an old man, would you?” Her father winked at her. “I thought that you might find this interesting after that case you were telling me about the other day. I’m sure you’ve been following the news.” “Yes,” Kat said tightly. “I really ought to be out there now helping. You know things are getting worse.” “I’m hoping what happens today might clear up some of it, at least.” He put his hand on her arm. “Thanks for being here, Katrina. I hope you know I’m proud of you.” The door across from them opened before Kat could respond, and they both stood up. Two men entered the conference room, one in a suit even nicer than her father’s, who she vaguely recognized as a local – and very expensive – lawyer. The other looked tired and put-upon, in a suit that had been of good quality before it had been slept in. He was clutching a Fuzzy Frank in both hands as if it were a talisman. “Mr. Buczkowski,” her father said, extending his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”  Marina sat on the couch, watching the news. It all seemed unreal – the frenzy, the riots, and now the news that it was all some sort of… What, advertisement? One of the correspondents had just mentioned that there might be some kind of cult involved in the company. She glanced down the hall to Kaylee’s room. The door was still closed. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say to her. Hey honey, sorry, but some crazy people made a virus to sell their toy, and that’s why you’ve been crying yourself to sleep for a week! It seemed too cruel a thing to say to a 15 year old. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She felt defeated. The world felt like too much, sometimes. She wished, not for the first time, that she had someone to talk to about it. Or at least something to comfort her when it seemed overwhelming. Something soft, maybe. She scratched her neck, absently. Maybe she’d go out again tomorrow. There were a few stores she hadn’t checked already. And it would make Kaylee so happy.
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Jul 17, 2016 08:53
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Try this: https://client00.chat.mibbit.com/?server=EU.synirc.net%3A%2B7001&channel=%23THUNDERDOME
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Jul 20, 2016 08:45
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Oh hey dude, I didn't see you there. Sorry, I guess I'm just used to ignoring your white noise posts. Sure, we can brawl, why not.  Also, here's week 146: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FiTWenElvPckO_unDAUZvR9V8DT2oycPa5DHNDHqiac/edit?usp=sharing I was trying to edit them to make them not quite as vitriolic, but w/e, I guess. SPOILERS: your owl story was dumb. Edit: If you got a really short crit in this doc and would like more feedback, please let me know, and I'll try to say something more meaningful than "I hate you." curlingiron fucked around with this message at 22:50 on Aug 22, 2016 |
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Aug 22, 2016 22:48
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s7indicate3 posted:poo poo. Now I've lost all 3 times I've entered. Gotta say I'm feeling pretty low right now. Any veterans got any advice on how not to suck as much? Since you're here and I already have all of this written, these were my thoughts while reading your entry this week: Congratulations on writing the most aggressively boring opening I’ve ever read in TD. You have weird tense issues in this. Saying something “would” happen is … odd, I guess is the best way to put it, but it’s quite jarring and I’m not sure how to explain it. Honest to god, this is the first story I’ve read that I had to try to Google what was happening grammatically to explain it. So, using “would” implies that you are in past tense talking about what you/your character (then) conjectured was going to happen in the future. Why? Why are you doing this? There is no reason to ever do this. Compare these two sentences: “This thought would calm him down considerably.” Vs “This thought calmed him down considerably.” See how much less awkward that second sentence is? Do you see how much less thought your reader has to put into parsing what is happening and when in the second one, versus the first? I would say as a general rule of thumb, the more you make your reader work to figure out your prose, the less likely they are to continue. For example, I stopped reading at your third paragraph, and had to force myself to come back to reading several hours later. Here’s my rewrite of your fifth paragraph: “He finally got out of bed.” You used seventy-five words to say this. Okay, I finally pushed through all of that. Oof. Let’s talk briefly about intentionality. This is something that I’ve been struggling with lately, and I think that it’s helpful to think about as a writer. The most important thing that you can ask yourself while writing a story is why. Why are you doing what you are doing? What purpose does it serve? Does it further or hinder the narrative? What are you trying to achieve with each element? You have a lot going on here, but the vast majority of it doesn’t seem to tie together at all. Perhaps you had a lot of interesting images in your mind when you sat down to write this, and you really, really wanted to put them all together. I’ve written stories like that. A lot of the time they’re not very good. This was not very good. The biggest thing this story needed was bloodthirsty editing pass. I’m not often the type to harp on sparsity of prose, but you need to cut down on the words that you are using, especially at the beginning of your story. The beginnings of most stories should be ruthlessly pruned, and yours is painfully overgrown. Really, beginnings in general shouldn’t need that much room. There are some interesting images and ideas in this, but I think at this point you would be better served by setting this aside and maybe using the elements elsewhere at a later time. Focus on essentials: create a sense of urgency and tension, make us care about your characters, want what they want. FEEL EMOTIONS. Read some Margaret Atwood or something, idk When you sign up again, feel free to get on IRC and hit me up for a free precrit (unless it is forbidden for the week; sometimes that happens). YOU CAN GET BETTER, I BELIEVE IN YOU. 
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Aug 23, 2016 06:31
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PALE SPECTRES posted:yes Sitting Here posted:lol if someone wants to dignify this by judging, be my guest maybe we can have some fun lols I have to go back to school in a week and a half. Share my misery. 500 words on the end of summer Due Tuesday, September 6th, 3 PM Pacific. I await your esE: Due to length, vignettes are acceptable, but MAKE THEM GOOD. curlingiron fucked around with this message at 05:47 on Aug 27, 2016 |
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Aug 27, 2016 05:45
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IRON MONK BRAWL http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/brawls.php?story=456 curlingiron fucked around with this message at 19:32 on Dec 6, 2016 |
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Aug 29, 2016 16:59
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curlingiron posted:I have to go back to school in a week and a half. Share my misery. Sitting Here and PALE SPECTRES, by divine benevolence, I am extending your deadline to 11:59 PM Pacific tonight.
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Sep 6, 2016 23:18
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 SITTING SPECTRES BRAWL RESULTS I have recovered from the first week of school, and the traditional followup weekend of drinking (I'm tipsy rn, tbh) to bring you BRAWL RESULTS: SPECTRES, I appreciated how you were able to turn your talent for evocative language towards the more mundane interactions between two people (lovers? friends?) in this piece. Your prose is strong as ever, and there were some images in this piece that managed to really stick with me. However, I felt that even for a vignette, this piece was a little scattered. I wasn't sure what the ultimate message was that you were going for, and the occasional perspective switch didn't do you any favors either. Sitting Here, I felt like you did a better job of having an overall message in your piece, and it left me feeling generally satisfied. Along with your prose, this made this piece a strong contender. My main gripe with it was that the Summer/Winter forbidden love pairing has been done before, and I felt like the piece suffered a bit for it. A good literal interpretation of the prompt, but I would have liked to see you stretch it a little more outside of the box. RESULTS: Sitting Here wins
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Sep 11, 2016 08:42
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Thunderdome 2016teen: Really, we all lose because we had to read each other's writing.
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Oct 11, 2016 06:04
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I'm in the market for some niche product. Tell me, what can Voidmart do for this loyal customer?
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Oct 19, 2016 04:06
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Thunderdome 2017teen: I shudder to behold it
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Dec 31, 2016 07:11
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Thunderdome 2017teen: LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO READ
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Dec 31, 2016 07:14
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| # ¿ May 21, 2024 07:44 |
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docbeard posted:Thunderdome 2017: Write A drat Thing
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Jan 2, 2017 22:50
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