Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Locked thread
Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Sitting Here posted:

:siren: judging could take a while and crits even longer, so it would be awesome if everyone could crit at least one story :siren:

it's not a requirement, and there's no punishment if you don't, but we did this in wizard week and it resulted in tons of feedback for everyone.

Week 201 will be up as soon as we figure out who's running it, since Grizzled Patriarch is about to disappear into the wilderness or something.

i'll run it look at my credentials *opens up pdf of all the elder scrolls fanfic i wrote*

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

gently caress off kiwis I'm taking Bugs 'n' Mud

Djeser fucked around with this message at 14:29 on Jun 15, 2016

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

:yum:

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Tyrannosaurus thinks that because he can whisk through dialogue and rush out some Emotional Teen Issues a half-hour before the deadline it means he doesn't have to actually try.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again


Sitting Here thinks she's the Blood Queen but Soggy Aunt is more accurate. She couldn't kayfabe her way out of a brawl against Baudolino without three layers of protective irony to soften the blow to her delicate heart. All the dreamlike situations in the word can't cover up the fact that her raw creative energy takes the form of monsters that are defeated by tweeting about them.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Remember to like and subscribe, and follow @BloodQueenSA on Instagram.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4886&title=Marked

Djeser fucked around with this message at 20:10 on Dec 31, 2016

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

This competition is poo poo and you're all poo poo and I'm in

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4892

Djeser fucked around with this message at 17:42 on Aug 5, 2016

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

He said erotica not autobiographical

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

an overwatch avatar is basically the losertar anyway

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Thunderdome Week 206: WHIZZ! Bang! POW! Thunderdome!



I've read far too many stories about dream buses and sad flowers and boring nerds. These are all for LITERARY PANSIES. This week you're going to write ACTION AND ADVENTURE!

When you sign up I will roll my ACTION DICE and assign you a setting and a tagline. For instance, you may get ESCAPE! and DESERT. This could be anyone, any time period, anywhere. As long as someone's escaping from (or to) a desert, you're golden!

BUT WAIT, A TWIST! Adventure stories need exciting locales! You may not set the story in the continent you live on.

A few tips for this week:
  • Action alone isn't going to win you the week, so don't neglect your character's motivations.
  • I do actually care about you using this prompt, so if you miss it entirely, I will DM you, even if it's really pretty.
  • If you want a more specific setting within the category I roll for you, :toxx: and ye shall receive.

Judges:
Djeser
flerp
spectres of autism

1100 words
Signups close 11 PM Pacific on Friday
Entries close 11 PM Pacific on Sunday

Adventurous souls:
Chili: City/You've got to hunt it down!
dmboogie: Jungle/It belongs in a museum!
Thranguy: Desert/Escape!
Noah: Vehicle/It belongs in a museum!
Pippin: Jungle/Rescue!
Sebmojo: Space/You've got to hunt it down!
Entenzahn: City/Escape!
LITERALLY MY FETISH: Desert/Protect this with your life!
Black Griffon: Space/Escape!
Guiness13: Jungle/This was supposed to be a simple job!
Fuubi: The deserts of an inhabited Mars/Escape! :toxx:
Ceighk: Vehicle/You've got to hunt it down!
areyoucontagious: Vehicle/Rescue!
Carl Killer Miller: Desert/This was supposed to be a simple job!
Jonked: Vehicle/This was supposed to be a simple job!
Greatbacon: Mountains/Rescue!
Tyrannosaurus: Space/Rescue!
Flesnolk: City/Protect this with your life!
Bad Seafood: Mountains/It belongs in a museum!
sparksbloom: Vehicle/Protect this with your life!
SurreptitiousMuffin: Jungle/Escape!
Fuschia tude: Yucatán Jungle/Protect this with your life! :toxx:
starr: Shola Jungle/You've got to hunt it down! :toxx:
FouRPlaY: Mount Fuji/You've got to hunt it down! :toxx:
JuniperCake: Great Red Spot power plant/This was supposed to be a simple job! :toxx:
Screaming Idiot: Vehicle/Escape!
Poltergrift: City/Rescue!
The Cut of Your Jib: Space/It belongs in a museum!
Maigius: Desert/Rescue!

Additional judgenotes:
'Museum' does not need to be a literal museum.
'Vehicle' includes things such as on a train, on a ship, on horseback, on bikes, et cetera.
'Desert' includes cold deserts like the Arctic and Antarctic.

Djeser fucked around with this message at 22:19 on Jul 16, 2016

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Chili posted:

Awesome, I am in.

You've got to hunt it down! in a City


dmboogie posted:

I'm looking forward to seeing what I'm in for.

It belongs in a museum! in the Jungle


Escape! in the Desert

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again


It belongs in a museum! on a Vehicle

:siren: Judgenote: 'Museum' does not need to be a literal museum.
'Vehicle' includes things such as on a train, on a ship, on horseback, on bikes, et cetera.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Pippin posted:

Oh this sounds neat, count me in!

Hopefully my attempt this week will be less half-assed.
Rescue! in a Jungle



You've got to hunt it down! in Space

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again


Escape! in a City



Protect this with your life! in the Desert

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again


Escape! in Space


Guiness13 posted:

It's been too long. In

This was supposed to be a simple job! in the Jungle

Fuubi posted:

Ok time for some stylish losing! I'm in, and, since I missed a deadline a few weeks back, :toxx:

Escape! in the :siren:Deserts of an inhabited Mars!:siren:





You've got to hunt it down! on a Vehicle

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

areyoucontagious posted:

Practice makes things a little better. Shooting for being better than a DM. In.

Rescue! on a Vehicle

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Carl Killer Miller posted:

This sounds awesome-fun. I'm in.

This was supposed to be a simple job! in the Desert


Jonked posted:

I'm in, give me a good one.

This was supposed to be a simple job! on a Vehicle


Greatbacon posted:

Rolling IN

Rescue! in the Mountains



Rescue! in Space

:siren:Judgenote: 'Desert' includes cold deserts like the Arctic and Antarctic.

Djeser fucked around with this message at 21:56 on Jul 12, 2016

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again


Protect this with your life! in a City




It belongs in a museum! in the Mountains

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again


Protect this with your life! on a Vehicle

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

I am in to eat ur feeble prompt.

Escape! in the Jungle

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Loving Life Partner posted:

Stalled stories and mangled manuscripts rattle behind me like ghostly chains, a newbie to the 'dome but a never-was writer trying to rekindle the fire. I'm in.


Btw, what's the word limit?

Protect this with your life! in Space

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Fuschia tude posted:

In me, :toxx: me, thank

Protect this with your life! in the Jungles of Yucatán. I suggest checking out the cenotes while you're there, they're pretty sweet. Like natural cisterns!




starr posted:

I suck so I'm in with a :toxx:

You've got to hunt it down! in the Shola jungles of India. They're thick forests up in the mountain valleys, and you might even find some tigers or leopards or elephants.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

FouRPlaY posted:

I'm in. Gotta get this right one of these days.

Didn't submit last time, so definitely with a :toxx:

You've got to hunt it down! on Mount Fuji. Did you know that it's got its own haunted forest?

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

JuniperCake posted:

I'm in with a :toxx:

This was supposed to be a simple job! in the floating power plant that harvests energy from Jupiter's Great Red Spot.




Screaming Idiot posted:

In this week's thrilling adventurer, Screaming Idiot and his boy sidekick Slicky Knabbs chase down the vile and cunning Nazi scientist Dr. Stalin von Mussolini! And if he has time, the brave and heroic Screaming Idiot might also write another thrilling adventure!

Escape! on a Vehicle

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Poltergrift posted:

In, and ready to be propelled into actually working by the fear of disappointing others.

Rescue! in a City



It belongs in a museum! in Space

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

:siren: Djudge Djeser's Tips for Writing Good This Week :siren:

Establish your motivation early on. If I'm going to care about the protagonist, I need to know why the protagonist cares. (Hint: look at your tagline to see what your protagonist cares about.)

Blocking is important, since action/adventure is a physical genre. If I can't tell where people are, I'm not having a rollicking good time.

Don't neglect your narrative arc. Your character shouldn't end a story in the same situation they started in. Make sure by the end something's changed. Maybe they won, maybe they lost, maybe it's complicated!

Don't feel limited by your setting. If you got City, there's always the adventure staple of the Lost City. Or maybe Athens or Agrabah or Kyoto. Or even a city in space!

The two biggest ways to get on my good side this week are fun and sincerity. I want to unironically enjoy fun stories about cool adventures.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Ironic Twist posted:

THUNDERTOME BOOK CLUB UPDATE

People, including me, are behind on the book for TD/LW/life reasons, so let's push the meeting back one week to Friday, July 22nd.

In

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Maigius posted:

What the hell in

Rescue! in a Desert

Approximately seven hours left for signups!

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

:siren: The rumble of an oncoming boulder seals the path back. Entries have closed! :siren:

Our twenty-nine intrepid domers have no choice now: they must submit, or they must fail. Who will win, and who will lose? Will Djeser find a third judge? Tune in again when submissions close at 11 PM Pacific, Sunday night!

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

:frogsiren: SPECIAL JUDGE CAVEAT :frogsiren:

If you live in North America you are still allowed to write a Western story, as they are very ADVENTURE and yet very LOCATION-SPECIFIC.

Also to be nice to our archivists and Include your assigned prompt when you submit. But don't be a goofus and edit it in if you forgot, you big goofus.

Djeser fucked around with this message at 07:13 on Jul 16, 2016

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Four and a half hours left to submit, intrepid domers!

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Thirty minutes to the deadline! More than half our domers are safe, but what will become of the trio of toxxers still in the wild: Fuubi, Fuschia tude, and JuniperCakes? It's a race against the clock and against the word count!

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Submissions closed! The cave is sealed off!

But to Fuubi and JuniperCakes, the two toxxers who didn't make it, you may still dig yourself free if you submit your story before judgement drops. Snatch that hat before it's lost behind the falling door!

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

:siren:Thunderdome Week 206 Results:siren:

First, the honorable mentions. Carl Killer Miller's At the Velocity of the Sun is an intriguing bit of sci-fi horror set on a distant planet. Jonked's Red Sun at Morning is a surprisingly personal tale of disaster aboard a supply ship to Mars. starr's Burning Bright follows the raw tracks of a hunt for the malicious spirit of a man's betrothed.

There were three candidates for the win this week:

Thranguy's Showdown on the Scorching Sands, packed tight with action between an adventurer and the assassin she must work with temporarily. The scenes are tight, the setpieces are varied, and the action flows from beat to beat.

The Cut of Your Jib's Old Friends, where a cryogenically frozen captain and his defrosted new alien buddy escape the security systems of the far-future museum where they were both exhibits. These two characters, who can't even talk to each other, have an energetic chemistry, the action is richly detailed, and the story's pacing is near-perfect.

And sebmojo's Orbital Decay, wherein sebmojo shows up every Douglas-Adams-quoting dweeb on the internet with a constant flood of action and humor as Spaceman Jim defeats an attacking vessel with guns, gumption, and a psychic weasel. It's effortlessly funny yet stands as a story in its own right.

Unfortunately, there is no room for a triumvirate. I said the winning story would need both heart and fun so The Cut of Your Jib is this week's winner. For their near-wins, Thranguy and sebmojo receive honorable mentions of the highest blue.

And with the praise out of the way, it's time for the bottom of the bunch. Tyrannosaurus skirts DM by having charmed spectres of autism, and so does FouRPlaY by being mostly too bland to be upset at.

The dishonorable mentions this week go to: Are You Contagious's Mistakes Were Made, wherein the story tells us what is going to happen for six hundred words, it happens, and then the story abruptly stops once it made the joke it told us it was going to make, and Chili's The Big Show, where an rear end in a top hat tries to fake an action scene over a phone and finds a twist ending was sitting in his bag the whole time.

This week's loser is not the story I hated the most this week (Chili has that honor) but the worst-written. Maigius's The Last Depot lacks any dialogue attribution and is filled with typos, omitted words, and clunky prose, and even if it wasn't, the story it tells is a rough sketch at best.

The Cut of Your Jib, the judgethrone is yours.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Sorry that the snore patrol was bored by the fun week

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Week 206 Crits

Part 1: Here's what you screwed up
On average, the stories this week were good. Or at least, they mostly didn't make me mad. But there was one problem that kept coming up again and again when a story ended up on my list of "I liked it, but I had problems with it". That problem is in your pacing. I'm putting the next line in bold because it's important to take this in. Absorb it. Say it to yourself before you start writing your story and before you start editing it.

Start your story when stuff gets interesting.

Things I want to read about include your character's conflict and what they do to overcome it. Things I do not want to read about include: people talking about what the plot of the story will be, people getting their assignment to go do something interesting, people sitting on the train as they're traveling toward something interesting, and anything else that wastes my time. For instance, if you got the tagline "This was supposed to be a simple job!" you would start where the job goes wrong, unless there's somewhere more interesting to start. Don't worry about having to get everything set up like you're framing a movie shot. This is flash fiction, not a novel, not even a short story.

To help you plan your pacing, I'm going to partake in the literary tradition of stealing from a better writer.

Erogenous Beef posted:

Sit-Down Time With Unca Beef: A Word about Plots

If I ding you this week for having “no plot” or “nothing happens,” then I suggest you try this. A few weeks back, I presented one form of basic story outline. See here for that one, plus some other general writing advice.

This time, I strongly advise you try using a simplified story spine. This is a device thought up by a playwright back in the early ‘90s, and the ideas date back much further than that. Fill out the following outline as a starting point for your story.

quote:

Once upon a time, … (1)
And every day, … (2)
But, one day, … (3)
And, because of that, … (4)
Until, finally, … (5)
And, ever since then, … (6)


This is a semi-abridged version of the original version. Write down a few of these; don’t get trapped inside one idea.

For a thousand-word Thunderdome story, try to pack (1) and (2) into the first paragraph or the first 100 words, and have (3) occur, ideally, at or before the 100-150 word mark, certainly no later than 300.

Spend most of your time dealing with (4). This is the meat and body of your story. About 300 words from the ending, build up towards (5) and then pull the trigger on (5) in the final 200 words. You could omit (6) if the implications from (5) are clear, but otherwise keep it down to a few lines, a paragraph at most.

This will give you a very basic, but structured, starting point for your story. It contains all the basic elements: setup, inciting action, reaction, climax and denouement. It’s not a guarantee that you’ll write gold, but hopefully you can at least fish out the smellier turds before you gleefully present them to the judges like cats hauling in dead birds.

For more on this specific structural technique, read the article.

With that said, let's talk about your stories.

Guiness13
This was a pretty average start to the week's reading. Blocking was decent, action was decent. Had trouble following all the different names and who he was referring to on the radio. Lacking in the character department. Why does he betray his boss at the end? Just because he can? I don't have a sense of any character arc so I can't see what this says about the guy. Middle.

Poltergrift
This was originally high middle, but got revised down to middle as the rest of the week proved to be quite strong. The setting is far and away the best part. The inventiveness and the casual attitude toward living guns and flesh buildings gives it all a strong sense of unease. But because you loved your setting so much, you spent too much time on it and not enough on character or things happening. I don't have clear motivations. The calculator brain-in-a-box is barely a character. The first half is mostly talking, and then you had an action scene so sedate you used the word "idly" and it didn't seem out of place. That said, if this is the sort of thought you're bringing to the game, I'm looking forward to seeing your writing again in Thunderdome.

dmboogie
The breezy tone makes this enjoyable to read, but at points the tone is in conflict with what's going on, like the fight against the not-tiger. Also, you resolved the "main" conflict off-screen in a single line. The way the main character reacts at the end seems off for someone who's been the beleaguered straight man this whole time. Definitely problems with pacing. You could have focused on just the attack and then a postscript of this becoming his full-time job and been able to focus in more on character and action. As it, it jumps around way too much. Middle.

Greatbacon
The emotional context here is good but the story ends before that's even resolved. She just runs off screen to take care of it. When you had time to put in detail, I enjoyed it, and I would have liked more time to spend on that. You really tried to tell too much story here; I would have started this when they arrive at the base, or even when they reach the broken walkway and have to jump across the boulder. It's fine to make a story that focuses entirely on overcoming a physical obstacle, but this sets up too much for that achievement to resolve what I care about. Middle.

Chili
I get the feeling you tried to get an Archer vibe with this, but there's a couple places where you miss the mark with that. For one, Archer has snappy dialogue, and the exchanges here are pretty lame. Not even in a comedically lame way like someone struggling to be snappy, they're just flaccid and harp on the idea that he wants to gently caress his handler. Second, yes, Archer is an rear end in a top hat, but he gets beat up, made fun of, knocked around, et cetera. It's fine that he's an rear end in a top hat because things don't go well for him when he is, and he's not a complete rear end in a top hat either. I can't say the same for the main character here--I never get the feeling that he actually cares about anyone, nor does anything really bad happen to him other than him vomiting.

And, okay, the central conflict is his attempt to simulate action, as opposed to actually finding the gem. That's a bad idea, because it's less interesting, but okay. Except that there's no real resolution to his attempt other than "he fails and his handler chews him out" and the ending just doesn't make sense. Did he steal it? Did he have it safe there all along? Did someone steal it and put it in his bag? It's much too pat a resolution and reads like you had no idea how to finish it. If there was any foreshadowing of it beforehand, I missed it entirely. The ending turns out to be a twist ending, which is my least favorite sort of ending.

I might have liked this if the comedy was better, but it wasn't funny enough, and you took a risk by getting weird with the prompt and doing "someone simulates action" instead of actual action. Combined with the unlikeable protagonist, I just did not like this story. Low.

Screaming Idiot
Though you didn't do this as bad as other people, you still wasted too much time explaining the situation. The action was decent but could have used the space you devoted to explaining that a Nazi was a Nazi. See, that's the handy thing about Nazis. I can guess what a Nazi's deal is. You were the only one to go Nazi this round, which is strange, because I figured more people would have gone with the Danger 5 angle. Speaking of, Reichmann's comical yelling doesn't fit the tone so much--the rest of it is a bit more realistic, and then you've got someone screaming that yes, he's got a tank. Did they claim he didn't have a tank before? It might have fit if you camped this story up more but as is it's a point of cheesiness in an otherwise straight-laced action story. High middle.

Pippin
Annabelle seems a bit too cartoonishly oblivious in the beginning, but that doesn't last long and she seriouses up soon enough. Your ratio of action to character is good and I liked the dynamic between them, but it would have benefitted from being more up front about what's happening. Being in an adventure competition is a cool idea, as is a rich woman and her gardener boating down the Amazon, but the former is only revealed a third to half of the way through, and the latter is revealed only near the end. High middle.

Thranguy
The setting as a secondary antagonist works really well here. I also liked the fact that you avoided the cliche of being forced to work together with your rival and coming to understand them better. Good shifting between multiple setpieces and good tension in the action. I had a bit of trouble following Crispos and who he was/what happened, but that was the only real difficulty I had. The ending could have been fleshed out a little more--it basically stops with her surviving, but it would have been nice to see her reflect on what happened and maybe develop some character growth there. Congrats on writing a steampunk story that I liked! High.

Ceighk
I like the two characters here, even though Sergei is pretty unremarkable compared to the brawny cyborg hacker girl. I appreciate the way you established the stakes, by talking about the risks in jumping between satellites in the beginning and then having that be the tricky thing they have to do in the end. The ending came so quickly that, even though I know they did escape, it doesn't actually feel like they did. Even just saying that they saw the alien doing its thing as they were crawling back inside the airlock would have given me a sense that they'd gotten away. I think the alien could use a little more concrete description--when you're describing something abstract, you have to almost counter-intuitively be very specific. Pick an animal analogue, or describe its shape, or whatever it takes. I basically imagined some kind of jellyfish squid. This has a bit of First Chapter Syndrome, where it feels like a prelude to something more, but the tone is quite good and you've got a complete plot arc, so I can't be too upset about that.

FouRPlaY
This story starts off by explaining its premise very hard, and it made me start questioning it. Why is Hikaru so interested in hooking up his sister with his friend? Moreover, why is this told from Hikaru's perspective when Kiyoshi would be the more interesting point of view character? The details are very scant for something that's placed very specifically geographically; a ghost appears that's wearing clothes "from history class". That tells me nothing. It's not my job to fill in details that you didn't include. Mostly I was disappointed in this, because when I gave you Mount Fuji, I was hoping for some giant monster battles, or at the very least samurai facing off against oni or something, but instead I got an anime about highschoolers running from a g-g-g-g-g-ghost. Low middle.

Surreptitious Muffin
Light and airy fun that doesn't overstay its welcome but doesn't have much punch beyond just being a fun pastiche. Still better than a lot of stuff this week, even if it's about as rich as the Monty Python skit where they're all named Bruce. The ending is two dei ex machina in a row, but strewth, they pegged it, thoroughly. High middle.

Carl Killer Miller
There's less action in this but I still like it, it's more of a horror/thriller vibe. This is like the one story this week where seeing the assignment actually made sense, because it built up that feeling of wrongness that grows the longer the story goes on. I got a good feeling of the characters here having history between each other, but I couldn't tell you much about them as people beyond one being a doctor and the other being a captain. This reminds me of some classic high-concept sci-fi stuff, and I thought it was generally quite good. High middle.

Jonked
There's a good tone here and a good emotional arc. It reminded me of Apollo 13 and the more hard sci-fi movies like Gravity and Moon. The inevitability and self-reflection lend it a satisfying emotional weight. I would have preferred a better explanation of what the plan to bring him in was, though--I forget the name of it, but I'm not sure what that 'V-delta' was aside from some sort of...fuel or energy or something? You could have had her roughly describe the idea behind the plan ('you said you had v-delta left over, right? well that gives us one means of propulsion...) and then kept the tension of the penultimate scene where it's all about executing it with perfect timing. High middle.

starr
This story didn't have many surprises, but the action and tension was well-executed. Two thoughts if you want to revise this and make it stronger: First, draw out his betrothed's character more. If we know more about how she was in life, it makes her spirit's bloodthirstiness more impactful, and it gives you a way for him to try to reach through to her, if you want to have one of those 'are you still in there' sort of moments. Second, I liked the aspect of the incongruously human eyes, and you could have leaned into that even more, gotten descriptive about what it looks like when human eyes are in a tiger's face, and the visceral reaction someone might have to that. High.

areyoucontagious
The action is decent once it starts happening but the plot is bad. The irony is absolutely cartoonish and loses any audience sympathy with the character once it becomes clear that these aren't the people he's looking for. He's an agent, presumably he's smart, so why am I picking up on this easier than he is? The ending doesn't conclude anything, it's just a realization he has and then it comes to a screeching halt at the point where things got interesting. You could write an interesting story about an agent trying to cover up the fact that he botched an assassination. You could write an interesting story where an agent questions whether he's got the right marks or not. You did not write either of these. Low.

The Cut of Your Jib
This doesn't waste time getting to the point, which I love. In the same paragraph where he starts looking around and wondering where he is, he comes to the conclusion that he's in a museum. There, done. The pacing here is pretty much perfect. The character interactions work really well and give a good sense of companionship. There's never too much detail, but everything seems crisp and visceral, even in the action scenes. Afterward I was wondering how the ship still worked after all that time, but in addition to being willing to give you narrative convenience, I realized you had dropped a line in about how the nuclear power stuff ran forever, so guess you had that covered. This was fun, action-filled, well-written, and emotionally resonant. You deserve your win. High.

Tyrannosaurus
The writing is, of course, good. You've got a good ear for tone, and that makes the strange social situation a lot of fun to read about. But man, the ending. It's a god drat twist ending. It's a god drat all a dream twist ending. And it's a huge tonal shift away from funny weird camp shenanigans to somber reality that feels sudden and jarring. The ending killed it and I was considering DMing it because of how bad the twist is, but spectres liked it, so that saved you. Seriously, this would have been HM/win material without that god drat ending. Low middle.

Maigius
This story is full of issues. There's technical errors like typos and missing words and incorrect words. There's sentences that just feel awkward coming out of people's mouths. You didn't include any dialogue attribution, which means I was struggling to even follow who was who or how they were speaking to each other or even where they were. It was just disembodied dialogue floating alongside your story. The tone is very stiff. I can see the story you were getting at, but the emotional arc you've got is very barebones and the characters are very sparsely detailed. This story feels like you were fighting the English language every step of the way. Low.

Fuschia tude
This had no need to go three hundred words over the word count, because even with 100 less words, I wouldn't understand what the point was. The action was okay, but the beginning was irrelevant. There were a few interesting bits, like the cave fronds, but the rest of it didn't make sense. Why is there an underground society of pygmies? Why is there a priest with a macuahuitl? The writing on a surface level is fine but the plot feels like inexplicable dream logic. Low middle.

LITERALLY MY FETISH
The tone was engaging here and the story hit roughly the beats I expected it to, but it was still enjoyable enough to read through. I liked the ending in particular, because it seems to setup that he'll get away but instead ends with his self-sacrifice to save his family. I found it odd that at the beginning, Samir knows him well enough to profile his habits but still doesn't know anything about him as a person at the end--that could be solved by making it clear that he only knows him through his thievery and they haven't been able to identify him. While fun, this could have used more flavor or something extra to set it apart from your standard 'thief stealing to help struggling family' plot. Middle.

sebmojo
Effortless is the best way I can describe this. It's so full of energy I can tell you had fun writing it and coming up with these ideas, and yet it still works as a story. Muffin's was light and fluffy, but this is a surprisingly meaty bit of fun. Blame Sitting Here for stealing the win from you; if it wasn't for her counsel you would have won.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Ironic Twist posted:

And now, for the next meeting of the THUNDERTOME BOOK CLUB, something a bit less dense, but no less good.



Next meeting tentatively scheduled for Friday, August 5th.

:woop: in :woop:

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

SurreptitiousMuffin at Jul 29, 2016 21:04 posted:

Signups closed, 48 hours until the submission deadline.

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Deadline: August 1st 11:59pm EST

is this some magic kiwi nonsense where a day disappears

  • Locked thread