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Muff, grats on dat double tap
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Oct 11, 2016 14:33
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Sitting Here posted:hahaha lol, like I'm not going to be in this week just soem guy
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Oct 11, 2016 17:34
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please send somebody down to find out what is up with THE THWUMP
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Oct 19, 2016 21:10
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this is my favorite short primer on punctuation and how to use it https://www.amazon.com/Eats-Shoots-Leaves-Commas-Difference/dp/0399244913/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=TSX30024RFMAXNCBST30 edit: apparently i linked to the picture book for children, but i'm leaving it, as it is still appropriate for this audience.
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Oct 26, 2016 16:39
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Boston, city of champions. Take that, Seattle/Wellington goons
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Nov 8, 2016 03:38
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Beige posted:These aren't working for me. I'm getting 404s. I'm eager to power through the whole collection. Who runs the site? nobody really. try now, they should work.
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Nov 12, 2016 20:12
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wow you better hope more than 60 people don't sign up or you're going to look like an idiot
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Nov 22, 2016 23:02
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*submits thunderdome story* *too nervous to check the thread and discover loss* *ignores thread for days* "fine let's get this over with* *has 2 hours to make prompt*
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Nov 30, 2016 18:46
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You're going to get a lot of farts
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Dec 10, 2016 15:40
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Mrenda posted:I really, really dislike this critique. I'll judge this brawl. Mrenda, hawklad, throw some toxxs in the ring to battle this out.
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Dec 14, 2016 06:45
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Hawklad posted:I'll brawl with Mrenda. Reading 17,167 of your lovely garbage words in about three hours (while at work) and then writing brilliant, detailed, and incisive critiques (as I did) should be all the preparation I need. Mrenda posted:Cool. I'll do a word war  Hawklad vs. Mrenda BrawlOk, I haven't read anything by either of you yet, so I can't really custom tailor this to your weaknesses  But I do want to smash your heads together, because whatever your interaction was, it resulted in whatever the gently caress that pissing and moaning was that Mrenda posted. When I was in middle school I read the 2nd half of Congo (the first half was too boring), and I really liked the parts with the gorillas smashing the poo poo out of people's heads with big rocks.Your goal is to write me a story where intrepid explorers go into a jungle and find something unexpected. Don't make it treasure (or gorillas). Make it something awesome. Only it doesn't turn out to be so awesome in the end. Due: Wednesday, Dec 21 @ 10am est, so I can read them on the plane. Wordcount: 1500 words. And don't gently caress around with the due date because I hate people not turning in brawls and will absolutely have you banned.
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Dec 14, 2016 17:01
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me.
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Dec 14, 2016 18:22
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Sitting Here posted:id like a burroughs flash rule please manhattan
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Dec 15, 2016 00:21
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Hawklad and mrenda, I haven't forgotten you, this trip has just been crazier than expected, but after my 12 hour drive tomorrow morning I will be staying put for 3 days so i can actually read. I read one of your stories and i didn't like it. WHOSE WAS IT?!?!
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Dec 30, 2016 05:51
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no your all the butts. ----------- Mrenda vs. Hawklad brawl Mrenda wins because she wrote a story that was at its core more fundamentally interesting and had deeper character motivations than Hawklad's poopile on a paper plate and then the poop leaks through the plate and gets on your fingers story. crits below Hawlad I did? What story was that? This whole first paragraph could be cut because it’s all tell, and it’s not written very well. Isn’t skin always precancerous until you have cancer? This whole first section is lacking a certain umph. It’s purpose is “look at me, i’m old and dragged into the jungle by my son/husband/whoever because i bought him a movie.” but it’s a little too casual to set the scene well. “"I can't have you dropping dead right here. Not while we still owe on the lake house." I'm joking, of course.” This confused me, because i was like “wait, she WANTS him to die?” then i realized that you were just confirming that the joke you just told was in fact, a joke. Tip: if you feel the need to do this, then you didn’t tell a funny joke, and you should probably cut the whole thing. Your “joke” is a cliche that’s been uttered in a million rom-coms in some version or another, and i recognized that it was a “joke.” We aren't. Italacize “we” for clearer understanding. “It's a small favor that Frank and I are the only ones that signed up for this excursion. Another strike against it, in retrospect.” this is a present tense story, and you just said it’s good that you’re the only ones on it, but bad in retrospect. This is muddled as gently caress. Is it good or bad? You can’t retrospect a present tense story. You COULD have had her run through a few reasons it was actually bad and have her change her mind, or better yet, show that it’s actually bad through a series of events (the story) and let her words of “it is good” float there like a bad omen. Trust your reader. “I could sit” could have sat. the opportunity is over. “The step are steeper now.”typo “River — with his stupid drugged-out smile “ this isn’t adding anything new. Instead, try adding something new. You’ve described two things as being done “painfully” now. This is the telling you should avoid, and instead SHOW that it hurts her through her reactions. “It's not in any of guidebooks” typo -------------- This story is meh. I feel like it’s mostly an old lady nagging and telling me boring poo poo. The whole “drug guide from vermont tricks old people into getting dead” is a really disjointed story that doesn’t have any real foreshadowing or reason to it. Even the precipitating event just feels like contrived “i gave him a movie so he got obsessed with mayans and then happened to see a poster advertising the very thing he’s obsessed with.” The characters aren’t well fleshed out, they’re more caricatures or parodies (haha, old lady from a cruise boat who calls all latinos and their language “mexican”). The first-person present story relies a lot on the voice of the POV character, and this voice is really weak. It’s too casual, too waffling, and too filled with extraneous things like cussing or interjections to really be compelling. This story is pretty weak. also, loving proofread your work. -------------------- Mrenda First para feels over-edited and a bit forced. Too many short, factual sentences. but it captures my attention for now. Ugh. i know a professor o’malley and so now that person is linked to your character. Your dialog framing needs work. Who are jen and carol? Are one of them prof. O’malley? I’m kinda confused as to what is happening in this huge dialog chunk. Before it’s all world building of “the bad stuff broke the water/planet and the people, and prof. O’malley will find the cure!” then it’s people talking about world building “wash the clothes!” and whatnot and i’m not sure exactly who is who. You really can’t do this back and forth thing in dialog without reminding me occasionally who is saying what, and it should be broken up with actions. Also, you shouldn’t do this unless the chars have unique voices and it’s more than just back and forth cause this is boring. “And used she get her answers as wrong as Carol?” this is a mess. Ok so i think prof. O’malley is like, the PI, Jen is the senior researcher and carol is an undergrad/new grad student or something? This is all not laid out very well, and not easy to suss out via the exposition. ““When you’re in my position you’ll realise time to think is rare.” Jen said. “And we’ve spent almost two days hunkered down.” this seems weird cause didn’t she just have 2 days to think but now is like “NOT EVEN ONE MORE SECOND OF CONSIDERATION OF THIS DANGEROUS MISSION BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO GO” Also this conflict is p boring so far. You set up “we need to find the cure to what’s killing the planet!” but instead of doing something cool with that you’ve done “two people bicker over minutiae of conducting field research.” “ Now it was time to remember him” who? Prof o’malley? The way you handled her relationship with this dude leaves something to be desired. You’re spending WAY too much time having this Jen chick wax on about her old mentor. Also, this is at the wrong part of the story. You should have put in a few lines showing how much she appreciated the whole dude, then built the story in a way that we could make the connection ourselves about how the dude’s help had led to her success, instead of just blurting all of it out in an on-the-nose paragraph after the deed is done. “samples of the opposite markers” what’s that mean? Did she find an algae that makes the water clean? “ if her research came right.” that’s awkward. “Lo! She hath success!” - you, over and over and over again. “she’d been denied the memory of that naked afternoon beneath the water. All those rumours of what they did. Few believed they played like children” so her and prof O boned down in the clean water and she’s denied the memory how and by whom? Now you’ve head jumped and carol is the PoV char. Don’t do that. Yeah, that’s how i thought this was gonna end because you did a p good job of setting up that the people went crazy and into the water and died. The problem is i still don’t really understand why. Most of this story is either world building or inconsequential backstory about a relationship that barely matters. I can see a line or two about the reason she pushes Carol so hard, but it just goes on and on for way too long, and in the end, i dunno if it’s a hallucination or real. I don’t know if most of the story is hallucination or real, since the PoV char died of fever hallucinations, and the story lacked a grounding voice that helped me make sense of things. That said, at least your story tried to do something semi-interesting and more than just a “lol white people” tale of dumb. So that is good. The bad part is it is confusing and you have a bit more to go before you’re turning out a tale that is clear and informative in addition to being entertaining. Mrenda wins, but it’s a dirty win, like throwing sand into your mother’s eyes to look at the go-fish deck.
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Jan 2, 2017 07:16
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My vote for prose and cons
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Jan 2, 2017 23:04
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