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pienipple
Mar 20, 2009

That's wrong!

Alaois posted:

what is vegan cheese made of

Typically oil thickened with vegetable gum and starch, some kind of yeast based... thing, or a savory nut butter based sauce (can be good but really doesn't taste like cheese).

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cash crab
Apr 5, 2015

all the time i am eating from the trashcan. the name of this trashcan is ideology


Pyrotoad posted:

Are there any grilled cheese rules? This is just too much stuff for me.

Grilled Cheese Rules:

i. Slap the bread. There is zero reason not to do this.

ii. Please consider not using raisin bread, but we are not the boss of you. You are.

iii. Apparently, use an entire pound of butter. Then, in return, you too shall become butter, and this is ideal.

iv. Be sure to overcomplicate the sandwich until the point where it can no longer be considered a grilled cheese sandwich, because the name of a food should not suggest that it is not something else entirely. Like a short-rib sandwich that happens to include cheese, for example.

v. Have fun!

Sakurazuka
Jan 24, 2004

NANI?

I honestly thought his last name was 'Greasepan' for a second

kloa
Feb 14, 2007


Schubalts posted:

Mission accomplished.



:tipshat:

Hirayuki
Mar 28, 2010


Sakurazuka posted:

I honestly thought his last name was 'Greasepan' for a second
Alan Greasepan?

Scathach
Apr 4, 2011

You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.


Look you guys, I found more vegan pizza! #nopizzarules



Their poor brains have been so destroyed from lack of nutrition they can't even tell the difference between lasagna and pizza :(

E: more depressing "pizza" from a sad, sad site http://www.nomeatathlete.com/vegan-pizza-recipe/

Scathach has a new favorite as of 02:11 on Mar 7, 2016

Gridlocked
Aug 2, 2014

MR. STUPID MORON
WITH AN UGLY FACE
AND A BIG BUTT
AND HIS BUTT SMELLS
AND HE LIKES TO KISS
HIS OWN BUTT
by Roger Hargreaves

Ha! I get this!

Tiggum
Oct 24, 2007

Your life and your quest end here.


Alaois posted:

what is vegan cheese made of

There's a shop near my house that sell something called "bio cheese" that claims to be a vegan cheese substitute. I'll buy some when I go out today and let you know.

cash crab
Apr 5, 2015

all the time i am eating from the trashcan. the name of this trashcan is ideology


Tiggum posted:

There's a shop near my house that sell something called "bio cheese" that claims to be a vegan cheese substitute. I'll buy some when I go out today and let you know.

There's nothing better than naming a food bio-whatever to remind you that it was probably created in a lab under some fluorescent lights and tested by squirting it in a monkey's eye.

Scathach
Apr 4, 2011

You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.


cash crab posted:

There's nothing better than naming a food bio-whatever to remind you that it was probably created in a lab under some fluorescent lights and tested by squirting it in a monkey's eye.

http://minimalistbaker.com/how-to-make-vegan-parmesan-cheese/

I am so, so sorry.

AnonSpore
Jan 19, 2012

"I didn't see the part where he develops as a character so I guess he never developed as a character"
Someone please make a carbonara with that cheese

cash crab
Apr 5, 2015

all the time i am eating from the trashcan. the name of this trashcan is ideology


AnonSpore posted:

Someone please make a carbonara with that cheese

I would, just because I have tasted that particular type of non-cheese and it's very good, although it doesn't taste much like cheese. It just tastes like some kind of indistinct, general umami... thing.

Kilo147
Apr 14, 2007

You remind me of the boss
What boss?
The boss with the power
What power?
The power of voodoo
Who-doo?
You do.
Do what?
Remind me of the Boss.

Gridlocked posted:

Ha! I get this!

care to help? I've got no loving clue

Subjunctive
Sep 12, 2006

✨sparkle and shine✨

cash crab posted:

I would, just because I have tasted that particular type of non-cheese and it's very good, although it doesn't taste much like cheese. It just tastes like some kind of indistinct, general umami... thing.

Doesn't carbonara depend on the cheese melting and blending? I imagine that using the not-cheese would just leave it gritty.

I mean, I know better than to doubt a cash crab "would", but still. Still.

cash crab
Apr 5, 2015

all the time i am eating from the trashcan. the name of this trashcan is ideology


It's doable, but not quite the same thing. There's a vegan bakery near me that makes a gluten-free vegan mac & cheese (?????) with cashews, onions and cauliflower and it's loving amazing. It literally just tastes like mac and cheese, without the gooeyness. I think for cream-based sauces, vegans sometimes use coconut milk, but you can achieve that same savoury flavour with just cashews and nutritional yeast. (I lived with three vegans for a while before moving in with my boyfriend, and their "we don't care if you eat meat, just don't cook it around us" caveat was pretty meaningless because they were always home, so I learned to work around it.)

RNG
Jul 9, 2009

Scathach posted:

Look you guys, I found more vegan pizza! #nopizzarules

E: more depressing "pizza" from a sad, sad site http://www.nomeatathlete.com/vegan-pizza-recipe/

There's... no seasoning other than "a small clove of garlic" in the cashew-cheese. Oregano and basil aren't meat. :(

e: I like some vegan food, and it makes for a creative cooking challenge, but don't piss on my leg and tell me it's pizza.

Danger Mahoney
Mar 19, 2007

by FactsAreUseless

Pyrotoad posted:

Are there any grilled cheese rules? This is just too much stuff for me.

There are grilled cheese rules. Grilled cheese has an implied "sandwich" at the end of it, so it has to be a cheese sandwich served grilled. If you add anything else it's a grilled sandwich (miscellaneous). Condiments are okay.

We can't live in food anarchy people.

gentle pete
Feb 21, 2015

by Nyc_Tattoo
Cinnamon Toast Crunch Veggie Cereal; Vegan, Gluten-free. Serves one.





Ingredients
1. One medium/large zucchini, chopped
2. 5 oz. celery (about 4 large sticks), chopped
3. 1 medium carrot, grated and chopped (or 6 baby carrots)
4. 1/4-1/2 tsp cinnamon
5. 15 drops liquid stevia
6. 1 cup almond milk


Method
1. Add all your prepared veggies into a strainer and rinse briefly under cold water-just enough to get them wet. Drain but do not dry.
2. Place veggies in a large bowl and too with cinnamon and stevia. The cinnamon will stick to the veggies since they are wet (DROOOOOL). Use a spoon to toss yor lusciously cinnamon-coated "cereal".
3. Pour almond milk over and serve immediately.


Note: this is actually better than the original cinnamon toast crucb cereal, in my opinion! Plus-it's SUPER HEALTHY....AND it doesn't get soggy when you add the almond milk! SCORE!

ACES CURE PLANES
Oct 21, 2010



That's it guys, I'm closing the thread and killing myself, the worst thing has been found, and we're only a couple days into the thread.

I'll see you all in the next world.

cash crab
Apr 5, 2015

all the time i am eating from the trashcan. the name of this trashcan is ideology


gentle pete posted:

Serves one.

SCORE!

Crow Jane
Oct 18, 2012

nothin' wrong with a lady drinkin' alone in her room
Who the gently caress wants to chew that much first thing in the morning? Or ever?

Scathach
Apr 4, 2011

You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.


Well that easily wins the thread. Yeesh.

Found another vegan... thing.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

ACES CURE PLANES
Oct 21, 2010



https://twitter.com/jiyunaJP/status/706702953155932161

Gridlocked
Aug 2, 2014

MR. STUPID MORON
WITH AN UGLY FACE
AND A BIG BUTT
AND HIS BUTT SMELLS
AND HE LIKES TO KISS
HIS OWN BUTT
by Roger Hargreaves

Kilo147 posted:

care to help? I've got no loving clue

The instructions on the US made MRE's:

Gridlocked
Aug 2, 2014

MR. STUPID MORON
WITH AN UGLY FACE
AND A BIG BUTT
AND HIS BUTT SMELLS
AND HE LIKES TO KISS
HIS OWN BUTT
by Roger Hargreaves

Vegan ersatz replacements are awful, you should be sorry. My worst cake experience ever was my aunt making a cake to take to work while I was staying with her for a while; she used some non-dairy milk replacement, fake eggs and a non-dairy butter replacement. The cake was dry as gently caress and tasted awful. Apparently her work mates loved it, because they are Vegans and have warped taste buds.

And I am sorry to all the goon Vegans who now hate me.

Edit: I am also sorry for double post.

AnonSpore
Jan 19, 2012

"I didn't see the part where he develops as a character so I guess he never developed as a character"

gentle pete posted:

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Veggie Cereal; Vegan, Gluten-free. Serves one.





Ingredients
1. One medium/large zucchini, chopped
2. 5 oz. celery (about 4 large sticks), chopped
3. 1 medium carrot, grated and chopped (or 6 baby carrots)
4. 1/4-1/2 tsp cinnamon
5. 15 drops liquid stevia
6. 1 cup almond milk


Method
1. Add all your prepared veggies into a strainer and rinse briefly under cold water-just enough to get them wet. Drain but do not dry.
2. Place veggies in a large bowl and too with cinnamon and stevia. The cinnamon will stick to the veggies since they are wet (DROOOOOL). Use a spoon to toss yor lusciously cinnamon-coated "cereal".
3. Pour almond milk over and serve immediately.


Note: this is actually better than the original cinnamon toast crucb cereal, in my opinion! Plus-it's SUPER HEALTHY....AND it doesn't get soggy when you add the almond milk! SCORE!

:stare:

:catstare:

Scathach
Apr 4, 2011

You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.


Here, have some bad non-vegan foodstuffs in apology.




a.lo
Sep 12, 2009

I went to Mcdonalds the other day and ordered a jalepeno double and some mozzarella sticks and when I get up to pay they informed me that they ran out of jalepenos and mozzarella sticks and wondered if i would like something else. I responded with a no thanks. I didn't want the customers behind me waiting longer as I thought what else to get. I simply wasn't prepared for it. I declined, they apologizeed and i went on my way. who knew mcdonalds of all places running out of jalepenos

cyberia
Jun 24, 2011

Do not call me that!
Snuffles was my slave name.
You shall now call me Snowball; because my fur is pretty and white.

Gridlocked posted:

Vegan ersatz replacements are awful, you should be sorry.

I will never understand the endless need of some people to create vegan 'food' that mimics non-vegan food. Why can't you just eat food that doesn't have meat or dairy in it and leave it at that? The insane mad science experiments need to stop, people. If you want something fried then fry some vegetables. If you want something sweet eat a fruit or make some cake or something. Food is so simple, vegan food especially. There's absolutely no need to turn it into the tortured nightmare that has been showcased in this thread.

Tiggum
Oct 24, 2007

Your life and your quest end here.


As promised, I have returned with "bio cheese".



I don't know what it has to do with faith-based fasting, but other than that it all seems pretty straight-forward. Well, except for the "vegan flavours" listed in the ingredients. But whatever those are, they're not animal products, gluten, soy, lactose, palm oil or genetically modified.



What good is cheese if you can't eat it on crackers? And you can eat this on crackers. It's kind of cheesy. The flavour and texture is sort of half way between cheap cheddar (like Coles Smart Buy tasty cheddar) and processed cheese (like Kraft singles). Fairly bland, fairly inoffensive. But I notice that it also claims to be "easy melt", and that seems like a claim that must be tested.



It doesn't look very melted but it turns out it just holds its shape disturbingly well. It's actually very soft, almost liquidy now. It has a very smooth texture, and a more interesting flavour as well, almost like a bechamel sauce.



Straight out of the pack it's entirely unremarkable, but melting definitely improves it. I actually quite like it. I'm impressed really. It's a serviceable replacement for cheese in sandwiches and would probably work pretty well on pasta, maybe even on pizza. I wouldn't go out of my way for it, but I'd happily eat it again.

Tiggum has a new favorite as of 09:00 on Mar 7, 2016

Gridlocked
Aug 2, 2014

MR. STUPID MORON
WITH AN UGLY FACE
AND A BIG BUTT
AND HIS BUTT SMELLS
AND HE LIKES TO KISS
HIS OWN BUTT
by Roger Hargreaves

cyberia posted:

I will never understand the endless need of some people to create vegan 'food' that mimics non-vegan food. Why can't you just eat food that doesn't have meat or dairy in it and leave it at that? The insane mad science experiments need to stop, people. If you want something fried then fry some vegetables. If you want something sweet eat a fruit or make some cake or something. Food is so simple, vegan food especially. There's absolutely no need to turn it into the tortured nightmare that has been showcased in this thread.

Can't make cake, needs butter. They are doomed to a lovely cake life. That's ok though cause they chose to have that life. Vegetarians who are they way there are for religious or dietary reasons I understand and respect. But Vegans are just a product of the 21st Century where suddenly being human and having a normal human diet is wrong because REASONS.


:corsair: Then again maybe my opinion is wrong and I'm just a crotchety 80 year-old man in a 20's body. :corsair:

Winter Stormer
Oct 17, 2012


Pretty much anything where the instructions include "pour the cream of mushroom soup over the whole affair" is going to look terrible

SulfurMonoxideCute
Feb 9, 2008

I was under direct orders not to die
🐵❌💀

I have quite a few international friends and if ever they ask me what white people food is I'll just send them a bunch of cream of mushroom recipes.

RareAcumen
Dec 28, 2012




gentle pete posted:

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Veggie Cereal; Vegan, Gluten-free. Serves one.





Ingredients
1. One medium/large zucchini, chopped
2. 5 oz. celery (about 4 large sticks), chopped
3. 1 medium carrot, grated and chopped (or 6 baby carrots)
4. 1/4-1/2 tsp cinnamon
5. 15 drops liquid stevia
6. 1 cup almond milk


Method
1. Add all your prepared veggies into a strainer and rinse briefly under cold water-just enough to get them wet. Drain but do not dry.
2. Place veggies in a large bowl and too with cinnamon and stevia. The cinnamon will stick to the veggies since they are wet (DROOOOOL). Use a spoon to toss yor lusciously cinnamon-coated "cereal".
3. Pour almond milk over and serve immediately.


Note: this is actually better than the original cinnamon toast crucb cereal, in my opinion! Plus-it's SUPER HEALTHY....AND it doesn't get soggy when you add the almond milk! SCORE!

I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS, OH MY GOD! I'M GOING NINTENDO 64 KID OVER THIS


This picture is beautiful.

Bees on Wheat
Jul 18, 2007

I've never been happy



QUAIL DIVISION
Buglord
I've actually had some pretty good vegan cake before. It's not quite the same, but definitely doable. The thing is, you can't just substitute all the offending ingredients out and expect the recipe to still work. You need to change the recipe quite a bit to work with vegan ingredients.

I made one similar to this recipe for my sister's birthday a couple years ago because she's vegetarian and I didn't know if she ate eggs or not. It made a really moist, dense cake that was similar in texture to that of a Costco chocolate chip muffin. I actually kind of preferred it to normal chocolate cake and ended up making it a couple more times because I had to use all the goddamn cocoa powder I bought for it.


But that isn't anti-food porn. This thing my friend posted on Facebook is.

mostlygray
Nov 1, 2012

BURY ME AS I LIVED, A FREE MAN ON THE CLUTCH

Data Graham posted:

When I was in college in LA we used to make fun of Del Taco (∇ Taco) for being so gringo they had loving french fries

It was otherwise unheard-of.

Del Taco is hilarious. I used to work with them when I was doing tech support for a QSR POS provider. They would only have one terminal for taking sales and doing reporting. No back of house systems; they were always all-in-ones. Their menus never made any sense.

I always liked the "Extra meat" button which was huge on the screen. They never had a requirement for what kind of meat it was. To be fair, who doesn't like more meat.

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

Tiggum posted:

As promised, I have returned with "bio cheese".



I don't know what it has to do with faith-based fasting, but other than that it all seems pretty straight-forward. Well, except for the "vegan flavours" listed in the ingredients. But whatever those are, they're not animal products, gluten, soy, lactose, palm oil or genetically modified.



What good is cheese if you can't eat it on crackers? And you can eat this on crackers. It's kind of cheesy. The flavour and texture is sort of half way between cheap cheddar (like Coles Smart Buy tasty cheddar) and processed cheese (like Kraft singles). Fairly bland, fairly inoffensive. But I notice that it also claims to be "easy melt", and that seems like a claim that must be tested.



It doesn't look very melted but it turns out it just holds its shape disturbingly well. It's actually very soft, almost liquidy now. It has a very smooth texture, and a more interesting flavour as well, almost like a bechamel sauce.



Straight out of the pack it's entirely unremarkable, but melting definitely improves it. I actually quite like it. I'm impressed really. It's a serviceable replacement for cheese in sandwiches and would probably work pretty well on pasta, maybe even on pizza. I wouldn't go out of my way for it, but I'd happily eat it again.

Did... you make a peanut butter bio-cheese grilled cheese?

PiratePing
Jan 3, 2007

queck

gentle pete posted:

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Veggie Cereal; Vegan, Gluten-free. Serves one.




[snip]

The cinnamon will stick to the veggies since they are wet (DROOOOOL).

[snip]

Note: this is actually better than the original cinnamon toast crucb cereal, in my opinion! Plus-it's SUPER HEALTHY....AND it doesn't get soggy when you add the almond milk! SCORE!

Just imagine being so utterly terrified of death that you force your brain to accept raw vegetables floating in almond milk as delicious alternative cereal. Jesus person live a little, there are plenty of nice healthy grains :smith:

cyberia
Jun 24, 2011

Do not call me that!
Snuffles was my slave name.
You shall now call me Snowball; because my fur is pretty and white.

Bees on Wheat posted:

But that isn't anti-food porn. This thing my friend posted on Facebook is.



Would.

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Tiggum
Oct 24, 2007

Your life and your quest end here.


Aesop Poprock posted:

Did... you make a peanut butter bio-cheese grilled cheese?

Nah, that's tuna with tomato and basil. It worked pretty well with the bio cheese (and looked slightly redder in real life than it does in that photo).

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