- Android Blues
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Sep 5, 2016 22:38
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May 3, 2024 02:06
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- Android Blues
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it started with flax seed and I wish to god it had stopped there. but no, there is always that insidious pull to go further, to replicate that first staggering hit of fiber and omega-3 fatty acids. grinding them up and snorting them was a no go. the suppository route was tedious and unsatisfying. what worked: sprouting those fuckers. a bowl of flax sprouts is like flax seed on crack (admittedly I did mix them up with a bit of real crack just for flavor). a bowl, two bowls, three bowls: my life counted out with spoons. the craving to up the ante returned, would not go away. so I let the seeds sprout longer, turn into small plants, and then bigger ones. I now eat bales of flax every day and it's goddamn amazing. my blood is now nearly pure linseed oil. I poo poo tablecloths. I am basically a horse.
supervillian: you'll never escape from my prison, FutonForensic! The gaps of these bars are much too thin to let someone as solid and dry like you escape!
*I take a stash of travel-sized lotion bottles out of my butthole and start applying them until my body is nothing but moisture*
supervillian: what are you doing--no!!
*My skin is like water. I effortlessly glide between the bars and out under the door*
Consumed 8 servings of fruit; double the recommended daily value. I've been on the run for a few days now. The FDA doesn't recommend; it commands. I bit off more than I could chew and now I know things I'm not supposed to. They can't catch me, though. I have so much potassium flowing through my veins that my muscles are infinitely efficient. So much vitamin C I can camouflage myself like a chameleon. The FDA made a mistake, and, one way or another, it will be their last.
Fat Man, the atomic bomb dropped on Nagasaki, worked by using a conventional explosion to compress a small sphere of plutonium on all sides, which caused a chain reaction resulting in a massive nuclear detonation. The architect of the atomic bomb, John Robert Oppenheimer, inadvertently discovered it while using the same technique to put the whammy on a lady's rompers.
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Dec 5, 2016 00:42
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- Android Blues
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*samples boiling pepsi*
"RAAW"
im going to be thinking about this post as i fall asleep tonight
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Jan 13, 2017 00:40
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- Android Blues
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wowzers (A+)
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Jun 5, 2018 15:15
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- Android Blues
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Closing out an episode of Tales from the Crypt by cutting to a second, more powerful Cryptkeeper who makes puns about the closing monologue of the regular Cryptkeeper
lolling
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Feb 17, 2019 22:35
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- Android Blues
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Jun 12, 2019 10:08
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May 3, 2024 02:06
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- Android Blues
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thanks guys :blush_face_endearing_new:
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Jun 17, 2021 09:20
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