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well well we-hee-hee-heeeel hey there wireless fans and welcome to another installment of mornings with mumphrey where we take your mondays and turn em into mumphreys! *slidewhistle and spring sound effect* today we're chatting all about you, the listener and ur gripes. got a big gripe, small gripe? tell ol doctor mumhprey cause he's gotta big bag of suppositories shaped like advice! i guess what i'm saying is we're going to take your beefs and turn em in to taco salad *toilet flush sound*  alright, the switchboard is lighting up. you're on the air caller, top o' the mumphrey to you!
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Mar 31, 2016 17:12
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Iron Prince posted:what the hell is this whops haha sorry folks we try to screen all the calls here but sometimes the loonies slip through the cracks! next caller go ahead!
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Mar 31, 2016 17:17
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Booblord Zagats posted:Sup, Jer? sounds like long time caller booblords on the line! thanks for tracking us down all the way on pirate radio! what's your question boobie?
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Mar 31, 2016 17:19
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dad gay. so what posted:hey mumphrey, love the show. first time, long time. i got a gripe for ya. my neighbors dog is always barkin. barkin at this, barkin at that. it just grinds my gears. what should i do? hey there caller! hope you tuned in last week when we had jack hanna on the show telling us all sorts of crazy animal facts! one thing old jacko learned me is that dogs are the only animal on earth that barks! sounds like you got dealt a pretty bad hand with your neighbour!  anywho, an old trick that noblemen used to use to shut up a yappy mutt was they would fill a block of cheese full of sawdust and leave it inconspicuously on the dog's patrol route. soon enough that dog cant resist the smell of cheese and sawdust and gobbles it right up! now you may need to do this a few times depending on the size of the dog, but soon enough that wood jams em up so bad that they can't bark, bite, run, jump or breathe! i guess what i'm saying is you need to turn that dog into a log thatnks for the call. next caller good mumphgrey to ya
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Mar 31, 2016 17:24
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Enfield posted:hey jerry im incredibly angry hey caller, sound slike someone's got a case of the mumphreys a lot of things can cause anger according to recent psychologists. i hope you tuned in a couple weeks ago when we had special guest and dead psychologist carl jung on the show! the main cause of anger these days is gender confusion so i would suggest you go out and buy some pretty dresses and a bow and see if that turns thigns around. i guess what i'm saying is you need to turn that frown intoa gown whoa those phone lines are hot, whove we got next?
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Mar 31, 2016 17:28
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Cantaloupe posted:first time long time is kind of an oxymoron lol you're kind of a oxymoron caller! :sproi-oi-oing: hey producer arry, what's with letting all these meatball callers through today? i know where your kids go to school haha
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Mar 31, 2016 17:30
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tomstuart posted:err uhh hey there j mums in the morning im having trouble with blood coming off whehn i wipe my butt is it an inside blood or an outside blood? hey caller sorry to hear about your rear end problems! hope you tuned in yesterday when we had royal botanist david bellamy on the show! he explained how a lack of plant oxygen is responsible for over 98% of the world's problems - terrorism, mortgage crises and you guessed it, butt cancer! i'd try putting a nice ficas or spider plant in your living room and see if that bungs up your butt blood. oxygen is good for the liver and what is the liver if not the butt of the tummy? i guess what i'm saying is you need to turn that butt concern into a potted fern
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Mar 31, 2016 17:37
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Captain Yossarian posted:Hey j mumph big fan just wanted to get your opinion on the Denver Bronco's chances next year I'll take my answer off the air- thanks! hope you tuned in to our post superbowl extravaganza when we had famous football champ elijah manning on the show! a hot tip we got was that the broncos star qb is giving up football for ever to pursue his first love - masonry. i'm calling a 7-10 season for the old mountain horses because their quarterback quit to mortar cracks
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Mar 31, 2016 17:41
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Moltke posted:Hey Mum-o! I've heard the ad for a MyPillow on your show a few times now. Want to know if you have any experience with it? My current pillow is lumpy, but I'd like one that is mumphrey. that's a great question caller and i hope you tune into our weekly segment pillow talk with my pillow ceo michael j. lindell! its not often that you get to endorse a product you really believe in, but ive gotta say i love the my pillow and its changed my life! you can twist and shape the space age memory foam into anything you want. why, i've got one partially shoved up my rear end right now! i guess what i'm saying is you need to turn that pillow into a dildo
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Mar 31, 2016 17:46
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whoops! looks like my rear end in a top hat producer larry is having a goddamn seizure again in the control room! we're gonna take a quick commercial break and be back with more mornings with mumphrey
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Mar 31, 2016 17:47
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sorry for the wait there folks, looks like producer larry is dead and i'm running the whole show here! go ahead caller
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Mar 31, 2016 18:06
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FlimFlam Imam posted:Long time listener first time caller. Love the show. I'm calling from the salt mine and my eyes are red and irritated, when I rub them they just get worst. It really sticks in my craw. I'll hang up and listen. Thanks! thanks for your patience caller. if you're a long time listener you may remember my interview with heir to the kosher salt fortune hiram kosher and our discussion about the history of salt miners the ancient saltherds knew that eyes were nothing but an obstacle to getting at that sweet white nectar, so most of them would remove their eyes! they learned to communicate using different arrangements of coarse salt and it evolved into a language we now call brail my favourite way of removing my eyes is to lay down in a park covered in bread except for the eyes and letting some fine feathered friends feast on the bread and eventually pluck your eyes out and take them back to their nests for the little ones! i guess what i'm saying is you need to give your eyes to the skies
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Mar 31, 2016 18:12
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ClamdestineBoyster posted:Hi jerry, my sociopath neighbor chops the tails off the neighborhood cats that get into his yard. Is it he who is the animal? i hope you didn't miss my exclusive interview with famous murderer ted bundy a few months ago! one thing ol teddy taught me is that we don't always understand why people we call "sociopaths" or "murderers" do things, and sometimes they serve a greater good that we can't possibly understand with our feeble, mortal brains! one thing you might do is talk to this neighbour and see if you ca get a sense of his grand plan. a better option though might be to break into his house and steal the tails! i'm imagining gluing those tails to your crotch until you have nest of fuzzy weiners that no sane lady could resist! i guess what i'm saying is you need to use those tail parts to enhance your male parts
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Mar 31, 2016 18:20
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Booblord Zagats posted:Do you think it's bullshit that dgsw keeps making "I'm quitting GBS" threads but keeps on keepin on, or do you just see it as a type of posting art? whoops sorry but as a long time listener you ought ta know that we don't talk about the internet on mornings with mumphrey!
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Mar 31, 2016 18:31
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MiracleWhale posted:I don't have a radio, is this show available via podcast it sure isn't, caller! i don't know if you caught my interview on monday with producer larry (god rest his soul), but we talked about our new initiative of selling shows in jars! i've got a bunch of tubes in my mouth hooked up to mason jars, and at the end of the show we seal them up, write a label on some masking tape and sell em through the mail! let me know your address and credit card number and we'll ship you off a show! i guess what i'm saying is you need to turn that hard earned dough into a jar of my show
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Mar 31, 2016 18:35
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OctoberBlues posted:Hi Jerry how about you answer my loving questioN!! hey caller, we're trying to talk about gripes on this morning's show! and if you're gripe is that i didn't answer your question then i know a nice open burial plot next to producer larry that i can set you up in!
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Mar 31, 2016 18:37
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Applewhite posted:Jerry I have a gripe: nosey doctors! i know what you mean caller! everytime i go to the doctor it's a million questions that they have no business asking! i don't know if you caught my interview with privacy expert edward snowden but we chatted at length about this exact issue. the solution that the snowman and i came up with is murder. for too long these charlatans have prodded into our lives and our anuses with impunity! the trouble with murder though is you can go to jail for a long time if you don't do it right, so you have to use your noggin a little bit! my favourite way to murder a doctor is to stash a small, fragile vial of powerful acid in your rectum. when ol sawbones sticks a finger up for a looksee, the vial breaks and he gets dissolved from the finger on down! you're going to want to protect yourself here, so have a friend or loved one funnel a melted candle up your rear end to create a protective wax coating. i guess what i'm saying is you need to send that physician to a mortician
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Mar 31, 2016 18:59
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Claven666 posted:yo yo yOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO J to tha MUMPH! haha well caller, i make my living giving out advice over the radio, so i can't really say you shouldn't listen to a disembodied voice! i guess what i'm saying is you need to let those voices dictate your choices
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Mar 31, 2016 19:02
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Microwaves Mom posted:See how he tries to ignore me? t-that's all the time we have today on mornings with mumphrey. thanks for listening and may god have mercy on your souls. stay tuned for this week in butt sex with homosexual hank
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Mar 31, 2016 19:17
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my loyal listeners. if you ever loved me please defend me
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Mar 31, 2016 19:21
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please help me. I have left a coded brail message in kosher salt in the agreed upon place
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Mar 31, 2016 19:42
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