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The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Usenet Classic STDH posted:

The following is a true story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "Is that it?"

Me: "Yep."
Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"

Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and . . .

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."

Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says:

Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift.

Server: "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."

Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [My emphasis]

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."

Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says:

Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [It was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]

Me: "Well, here's a two."

Manager: "We don't take those either."

Me: "Why the hell not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really, tell me, why?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."


Me: "What the hell for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."

Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]:

Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."

Security: "Really? What?"

Manager: "Get this, a two dollar bill."

Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous]

Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

Security: "So, the fifty's fake?"

Manager: "NO, the $2 is."

Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Security: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says:

Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Security: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said:

Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says

Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Security: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a $2 bill."

Security: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
* # ¿ Apr 17, 2016 04:19
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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 07:26
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Navik posted:

You'd think this but I recall a news article from a couple years ago where a guy attempted to use them at a Best Buy and ended up handcuffed for hours until some federal official showed up and confirmed that they were, indeed, actual legit currency. If I remember right the reason the dude had so many was that he had something to do with running tours for foreign tourists who liked the novelty of the things.

To be fair, I think part of the problem with the bills was also that they were sequentially numbered?

That did actually happen.

* # ¿ Apr 18, 2016 04:53
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Farmland Park posted:

Wait, have I got this right? There are no bacon covered hot dogs in the US?

Google tells me that apparently Norwegians use a type of sasuage very similar to hot dogs, eaten in flatbread with ketchup and mustard. I have no idea why a slightly different bread and the inclusion of bacon would blow the mind of any American. We've been consuming bacon-wrapped hot dogs for generations.

e: I'm feeling nostalgic... this STDH belongs in every iteration of this thread!

quote:

I’ve had a very interesting turn of events happen in my life recently, and I'm still in a state of shock (sort of). I just recently quit my job because I got into a spat with a co-worker and I decided that I wasn't going to be able to work at the company anymore as long as he was there. He wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, so I gave the ol’ 2-second notice, grabbed my poo poo, and walked out. Irrational? Oh yeah. So where does Bioshock, and a chance to plan an underwater city come into picture? Well, here is how it happened:

Where did I work? That will go unnamed (as well as some other things...loving internet detectives), but I will tell you it was a large oil and gas company. I was a systems administrator, and basically spent the entire day in a server room doing server maintenance, making sure the network was functioning correctly, and all the other good stuff sys-admins take care of. Sometimes I would get bored and walk around and bullshit with people. During one of my walks, I encountered a man of Middle Eastern decent. This is not uncommon at all when you work in the oil and gas industry.

For the sake of this, I’m going to call him Ahmed (not his real name). He looked extremely bored out of his mind, and a little anxious. I hadn’t seen him around before, so I introduced myself and we got to talking. He talked about his life in “The Kingdom” and I told him about mine here in the states. It was at this moment I found out he was an extremely wealthy oil baron, and more or less despised the religious overtones of his fellow Middle Eastern brethren. Turns out he was a capitalist at heart, and believed that Islam’s overzealous approach...to uh, everything, was a hindrance to business and was very annoying to him. Not your typical Middle Eastern man indeed.

I suddenly became worried because I had just spent the last hour conversing and going on with an extremely important client. And of course, not a minute later the room began to fill with executives. They were all eyeballing me, probably wondering what the hell the sys-admin was doing in the executive conference room with Ahmed. Turns out the plane with the executives Ahmed was supposed to meet with had been delayed and they had been breaking all kinds of traffic laws to get back to the office ASAP. They were extremely apologetic for keeping him waiting. He laughed and said he had thought about leaving except that I (pointing at me as I was trying to leave the room) had kept him entertained while he had been waiting. I did one of those fake “ha-ha” laughs and waved goodbye as I ran back to my server room to hide.

I expected to get a phone call later about how I almost hosed up some huge deal, yadda yadda yadda, but it never came. I gave a sigh of relief and went back to watching House on one screen while Wire Shark displayed some interesting stuff on the other. Then it happened, my desk phone rang. What could it be? The internet was up, the T1’s going to the VoIP phone system were all online, there were no disk faults on the SAN...why was I being called? It was coming from the Vice President of International Relations. Great. Here it comes. Here was me about to get bitched out. Boy was I going to be surprised with what was going to happen next.

Turns out I had inadvertently saved the day by talking to Ahmed. What had happened was [NAME REMOVED] had been put in charge of waking everyone up at the hotel so they could catch the early flight out back to Houston. [NAME REMOVED] had gotten drunk the night before, slept in, and caused everyone to miss the early A.M. flight. This meant that if everything went on schedule they would barely make it to the meeting with Ahmed taking the next flight...and it had been delayed. Ahmed didn’t like to wait, and would have probably had left it hadn’t been for me talking to him in the interim. So the conversation went something like this:

VP: “HypeTelecon, what are you doing tonight?”

Me: “Well, it’s Friday night, I’m probably going to go out with my frie-“

VP: “No you’re not. You’re going to go out with Ahmed.”

Me: “Uh, what? You want me to go hang out with a 30 somethings middle eastern man?”

VP: “Yeah, funny thing, turns out he has requested that you come out with him tonight instead of the client entertainer we normally use.”

Me: “So...what exactly would I be doing?”

VP: “More than likely you’ll take him out to eat at one of the 5 star restaurants, and then whatever else he wants to do.”

Me: “And what exactly would that be? I'm not sleeping with him.”

VP: “HAHA, no, not that. Well, to be honest, you will probably end up taking a limo to a lot of dance and strip clubs, getting drunk beyond all belief and generally having the time of your life. Probably get a lot of rear end too.”

Me: “I’m sorry...did I just hear that...from a 40 something year old executive...? I must be dreaming or someone put something in my lun-“

VP: “Yeah, you see, some of these guys that come over here to do business with us are not religious at all and love to party. We show them a good time, they sign deals with us. We tend to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing and use a client entertainer to handle all the knitty-gritties. This situation, however, is a little different. He has taking a liking to you for whatever reason, and wants to party with you. We have been trying to get this guy to sign FOR A LONG TIME and [NAME REMOVED] drat near hosed it up again. You’d be helping us out a lot by doing this. I realize I’m making some gross assumptions about you, but I figured you being in your early 20’s and all you’d jump at the chance for something like this.”

Me: “Who is going to be paying for all this fun and excitement?”

VP: “You’ll be given a company amex to take care of everything.”

Me: “SOLD.”

VP: “Excellent. Come by my office to get everything you’ll need. I'm going to call amex right now and add you as an authorized user of the corporate card. Oh yeah, you’ll probably be doing this all again Saturday night as well.”

Me: “Dear diary, jackpot.” *CLICK*

So I went to his office, and he gave me a “corporate amex”. I was instructed to go get fitted for a suit since he knew nothing I owned would be good enough. What a jerkface! But it was true; I wore a polo-shirt and jeans to work every day. I didn’t really need a nice suit. Since the company was footing the bill for this, I decided I’d go with the classic tux. It’s truly amazing how fast you can be tailored for one of these things when you say you’re buying the thing outright, heh. Just say, "Charge it!"

I called Mr. VP of International Relations and let him know I had the appropriate apparel for the evening. He said, “Good,” and then gave me directions to the hotel Ahmed was staying at. He told me he had already emailed the limo company I was to use to my phone, and to keep in mind the Middle Eastern do’s and dont's he had gone over with me in his office. And then of course the big thing, keep mentioning how thankful the company was for working with him and that I hoped that he signed come Monday. He also kept going on about how much of a stellar employee I was for doing this and that I could expect some surprises for myself come Monday if everything went well. Yawn. Whatever.

The drive downtown was a little annoying, but soon enough I made my way to the Inter-Continental Houston Hotel. If you haven’t seen it, it truly is a timeless sight. Before I went and located Ahmed, I booked myself a room for the weekend, and prepaid in full. If we did party again Saturday, I’ll be covered, if not, I’m staying anyways, heh. The cute blonde behind the counter must have thought something was up. Young 20’s something, wearing a tux, booking a room on the fly and paying the ridiculous rate all on a corporate amex...yeah I’d probably think that was fishy too.

I told her I was youngest executive at [COMPANY NAME REMOVED] and that I was here to entertain a client that was going to be signing a multi-million dollar contract on Monday. This just added to skepticism and she called a manager over. I'm sure the manager's bullshit alarm and fraud detector were going ape-poo poo. I placed my driver’s license on the counter and told them to call amex if they didn’t believe me. After verifying that I was an authorized user of the card, they suddenly became a 100 times nicer to me. Who would've thought? I also joked with the blonde about coming up to my room when she got off work. Cue face turning red and girly laughing. Sweet. I like this pretending to be an executive thing.

Anyways, after dropping the little stuff I had brought with me in my room, I found Ahmed’s room and knocked on the door. He opened the door and shouted, “HypeTelecon! So nice to see you again! We are going to have a great time tonight!” I asked where he wanted to eat, and to my shock, he responded with, “Take me to the best steak house here in the city of Houston.” Now, I’m no cultural expert by any means, but even I knew this was outlandish. I waited for the punch line of the joke, but he was 100% serious. Apparently he loves his steak, and can only eat it when he is here by himself in the states for obvious reasons.

So I called Ruth Chris (maybe not the best steak house in Houston, but it has to be drat close), explained that I was going to need a private party room and to pull out all the stops. They were more than eager to accommodate me, especially when I asked if they took the corporate amex, heh. The limo showed up just a little before 7pm, and off we were to eat delicious steak. And I must say, the steak and wine were to die for. Ahmed was thoroughly impressed, and said it was by far the best steak he had ever eaten. At this point, I had to ask him why he wanted to hang out with me over the guy they had lined up. He replied, “You have been the first person here that treated me like an equal, you weren’t scared to talk to me even though my wealth extends beyond anything imaginable, and you aren’t always doubling-back your words if you say something I find displeasing. You treat me like a friend and that is extremely important to me.” Heh, wow, I didn’t know what to say, so I raised my wine glass and toasted to friendship and a fun rest of the night. He didn't have to know that if I had known all of those things I would've have said a word to him in the first place.

Now it was time to party. We went from dance club to dance club, and lived it up like no tomorrow. We danced with amazingly hot (but extremely shallow) girls, had all kinds of alcohol, and just had an awesome time in general. When you have no limits on the funds, the party doesn’t stop. I wanted to see the look on the accountant’s face come Monday when they checked the bill. After lots of dancing and drinking, it was time to hit up the strip clubs. We bounced around from Gold Cup, Centerfolds, Colorado Bar and Grill, The Men’s Club, and finally decided to end the night at Treasures. It was almost 1am at this point, but again, show a “corporate amex” and they literally bend over for you...get it, bend over?

So after watching some stage performances and having a few private lap dances, it was getting close to closing time. By this time, we had quite the number of ladies hanging around our table. Ahmed was essentially what you could call a “Middle Eastern Playboy.” He was one of those “hot foreigners” that all the ladies wanted to gently caress, and not one of the “ugly foreigners” that spend most of their time in strip clubs because those are the only girls they can get to touch them...in exchange for money.

With about 10 minutes to close, Ahmed just comes out with it and says, “Ok, which of you lovely ladies wants to come back to the hotel with me and my friend HypeTelecon here? We have a limo waiting for us outside, and we both have rooms as the Inter-Continental Houston Hotel.” I would imagine everything mentioned in that sentence, plus the roll of 100’s he took out of his pocket made everyone of those strippers dripping wet. I had no problem with this. They whispered amongst themselves, and said that they were all up for it. Ahmed had a thing for blondes, and picked the two hottest ones at the table. He looked at me and then said, “Now HypeTelecon, you pick your two, and I’ll see you back at the limo.” He then stood up, and the two blondes scampered into the back to get their things.

Suddenly all eyes were on me. I had an assortment of cash-starved strippers begging me to pick them. Now, I could’ve sworn the one stripper I dated briefly told me there was a huge difference between strippers and prostitutes, and that not all strippers were prostitutes. Yeah, I wasn’t seeing that at all right now. I picked the young looking Asian women with the perky tits, and the euro-trash red that had somehow managed to bend ways I didn’t think the human body could in her stage performance. The others whined in disgust as the two I picked trotted off to the dressing room to grab their things. Then all six of us headed outside to the limo.

As I made out with the Asian while the red massaged my junk, I could only think this is what is must be like to be Collin Ferrell every night. Money, such a grand thing to have a lot of. It must have been quite a sight to see two extremely drunk men both being escorted by two extremely hot strippers to their rooms. I wonder if the blonde I had flirted with earlier saw this spectacle? Oh well, like it mattered anyways. Ahmed then paid my whores, and we parted ways to go to our rooms. All I can say is that the next few hours were pure ecstasy. I could describe it all to you, but this isn't some fan fiction designed to get you horny. Or is it? Na, not really.

After all the fun and excitement had died down, I found myself resting between two naked strippers. They’re both sleeping soundly, probably dreaming of what they are going to both buy with tonight’s big score. I yawn, and then the phone rings. Who the gently caress would be calling my hotel room at 7 A.M. in the loving morning? Who the hell even knows this number?! Turns out it is Ahmed, he is bored and can’t sleep. I ask him how the hell he can be bored with two blondes lying naked in his bed. He tells me, “My dick is broke. I need something else to do while it recovers.” Then he asks me if there is some way we can play that video game I was going on about all night. Cue question mark over my head. Video game I was going on about? He says, “Yeah, you know, the one about the underwater city, and the crazy genetics. Bio-something or another?”

If there was ever a moment in my life when I felt like the biggest nerd ever, it would definitely be now. Apparently at one of the strip clubs, I had been going on about Bioshock to Ahmed and the strippers at our table. Ahmed had decided he wanted to see what all the fuss was about and wanted me to play it with him. I told him we would have to go somewhere and buy an Xbox360, and the game itself. He said he doesn’t care, and to meet him downstairs ASAP. So, I tell my lovely ladies me and Ahmed are going to run an errand. They say, “Ok, whatever,” stretch, yawn, and snuggle up with each other, boobs to boobs. loving HOT. So resisting the urge to dive between them and repeat what I was doing only hours earlier, I put my tux back on, and take the elevator downstairs.

I meet Ahmed in the lobby. He is still wearing the same thing he wore the night before too. A couple of real class acts right here folks. So we then pile in my car, and I try to think of a place where I can buy an xbox360 and the game Bioshock at 7:45 AM in the loving morning. GameStop is out, as those communists apparently don’t open until 9:00 AM or some poo poo. He gets upset, as again, he doesn’t like waiting, but then I tell him we could get it 100% for sure at Wal-Mart at this hour. He agrees, so I begin driving to the closet Wal-Mart in the area. Thank god for Garmin GPS.

Now, this had to be the sight of all sights. You have an American man wearing a full tux and the other a Middle Eastern man sporting a Brioni suit, both walking in Wal-Mart half-drunk and half-asleep. We head back to the electronics section (everyone eyeballing us as we walk by) and find the game consoles. I tell the sales lackey with the key that I am going to need an elite xbox360, and the game Bioshock. The guy looks at me in disbelief as he gets the items I have requested and brings them to the electronics checkout counter. Ahmed insists on paying, and pays for everything in cash. Yikes! Doesn’t he know it’s a bad idea to carry thousands of dollars around on your person? Apparently not.

So with game and game console in-towe, we return to the hotel. We head up to Ahmed’s room, and I set everything up. Luckily the TVs in the rooms had front inputs, otherwise I bet I would’ve found myself going back to Wal-Mart to buy a plasma or something. I put in the game and start it up. I try and hand him the controller, but he says he wants to watch me play. So I play Bioshock. He watches in awe for sometime, and then begins to ask me questions about why I like this game so much. I tell him I like the concept of a city underwater, away from everything else, were people can thrive without government influence (yes folks, I’m a libertarian). He seems intrigued by the concept as well.

I pause the game, and we get into a huge discussion about what we would do if we could create such a place in real life. I don’t know how long we had been going on about all this, but at some point the two blonde strippers woke up, and started laughing at us. We both look at them with a “What?!” look on our faces, they laugh harder and call us a bunch of nerds. Then Ahmed dives on top of them and says, “I’ll show you nerd.” I take that as cue to exit stage left and return to my room. I like the guy, but no way in hell I’m having a 4some with him. I return to my room with the sleeping wenches. They are still snuggled together, except now they are spooning each other. So I do what any normal man would, strip down to nothing and jump in bed with them.

Now, I could go on about what I did the rest of the day, or the encore party me and Ahmed had Saturday night, but that’s not really important. What is important is that I had planted the idea of creating something where Ahmed could do business as he pleased without having to deal with “religion police” and stupid archaic laws (as he called him) that were stifling his fund-making abilities. Couldn’t be hurting TOO BAD, but whatever.

Monday comes, and I stroll in at 8:00 AM and I’m immediately called into the executive conference room. I see Mr. VP of International Relations, sweating bullets while standing at the podium, and just about every other VP I had ever met was sitting around the conference table. He asked, “So, HypeTelecon, is he going to sign the contract?” I froze, and must have turned white as a ghost. I had totally forgotten to talk up the contact-signing. So I did what any other person in my position would do and said, “Oh yeah, it’s a done deal. He is going to come in here and let the ink fly!” and then I gave a huge thumbs up and a huge wink. This was followed by murmuring amongst themselves and then dead silence when Ahmed walked in.

The CEO stood up, shook his hand, and then asked, “So have you come to a decision?” Ahmed replied, “Yes, I have. I am impressed with your company, the terms are more than fair, and the hospitality HypeTelecon has showed me was excellent. I have decided to sign the contract and do business with all of you.” And the executives rejoiced! My heart started beating again, and my skin pigment returned. Mr. VP of International Relations winked at me, and I winked back at him. It was totally a gay moment. Ahmed went through the contract and signed this, dotted that, all while both sets of lawyers scrutinized every line item to make sure no last-minute tom-foolery had taken place. As for me, I went back to my server room. Today was Venture Brothers marathon day, and of course, more Wire Shark.

Then, about half way through “20 Years to Midnight” I got a call from Mr. VP of International Relations again. Turns out Ahmed would be flying out later that day and he wanted to say goodbye. I met him and Ahmed at the front of the building. He gave me a firm handshake and said, “I had a great time this weekend. I’ve told [NAME REMOVED] here to make sure they inform you of when I come back to visit so we can go out again. Which, apparently is going to be a lot more frequent now.” I told him I’d be honored to keep him company anytime he was in town. I shook his hand again, and he got into the cab to take him off to the airport.

Mr. VP of International Relations looked at me and said, “Wow, you made quite an impression on him. What exactly did you guys do this weekend?” I started to tell him of our adventures in debauchery, but he cut me off saying if I went any further he’d probably end up coming out with us next time and end up cheating on his wife, and that he couldn’t afford to do that since he had a daughter and some other yadda yadda yadda, whatever. Then he told me I had to report to accounting to go over every line item on the corporate amex I had used during the weekend. Oh goody. Let me tell you, confirming all of those charges while Jesus freak of a CPA read them all off to me was very pleasant. I kept waiting for her to bust out the holy water and crucifix and start beating me to death. But, I guess this was nothing out of the ordinary, nor the fact that I had rang up over $10,000 bucks in charges. No, nothing to see here, just move along and don’t stare.

So about once a month, Ahmed would fly in for the week to yammer over figures, find out what in god’s name his money was being spent on, and then of course we would party like crazy on the weekends. Mr. VP of International Relations took great care in keeping a tight lid on who knew it was actually me “entertaining” Ahmed while he was in town. God, that just sounds dirty, doesn’t it? But eventually a rumor broke out...I think it was after that one time we decided to party on Sunday night too and I showed up to work hammered, but it’s anyone’s guess really. The top level executives didn’t seem to give a flying gently caress about what was going on behind their backs as long as Ahmed kept sending those generous EFTs to their corporate bank account.

Now we get to the good part. I wasn’t really being paid what I was worth at this job. Sure, having a server room to yourself is nice and all, and partying with a cool foreigner once a month is badass, but the lack of decent pay does kinda outweigh both of those. And on top of that, a lot of people I had to deal with were either luddites that just didn’t get this new-fangled “technology” thing, or just plain assholes. I decided to just quit and find something better. Some would say a smart man would’ve quit after he had another job lined up...some would say I’m not a very smart man.

However, it turns out Ahmed found out I quit, and was very upset over this. He called me when he found out and wanted to know why. I told him my grievances and he agreed it was a lovely deal. He asked me if he should cancel his contract with the company. I laughed and said no, because then he wouldn’t be coming in town that much anymore and I wouldn’t get to see him when he did. I told him I’d still love to party with him when he was visiting, but unfortunately I wouldn’t have a corporate amex to foot our usually 5 figure bill. He said that wouldn’t be a problem, we’d party just the same and he’d send the bill directly to them. Wow. Party buddies four lyfe yo!

Then we got to talking about the whole Bioshock thing again. He asked me if I had secured another job yet. I told him no. He said, “Great! I want you to plan the underwater city. Every detail. I am looking for something new to invest in, and every time we meet, I can’t stop thinking that this could be the next big thing. Dubai has their underwater hotel, I want an underwater CTIY!” I asked him if he was joking, and he reassured me I wasn’t. I said I would get right on it.

Now goons, how in the hell do you even begin planning something like this? Are their companies that build poo poo underwater? I have no idea. How...I...duno. I could possibly have the chance at being a real Andrew Ryan here, but I have no loving clue how to plan this. Hell, I don’t even know the location I would pick out! Is there a “Dummies guide to building cities underwater” somewhere? Ahmed comes back into town on Feb 25th, which means I really have until the 29th (oh poo poo, just realized it was a leap year) to come up with something. If all else fails, I guess I could go to work for his international company, but building an underwater city seems way cooler.

Anyone have any ideas? I’m totally open to suggestions!

ibntumart has a new favorite as of 09:52 on Apr 18, 2016

* # ¿ Apr 18, 2016 09:49
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice
Scaramouche, Scaramouche! Will you do the fandango?

* # ¿ Apr 18, 2016 19:58
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Boofchicken posted:

Does anyone have the story of the guy who had a job where he did nothing and kept collecting pay checks? Like he would go into work, but not actually do anything because his actual job got "lost" in the system and he was on the payroll with no oversight.

I posted it in the last thread. Thought I put the link to where I found it in that post, but I guess not. Still, it's archived online in at least a couple of places.

e: More content! Don't think this one has popped up before:

Love story for the ages posted:

Throwaway! Fyi im a guy. Bit of a long one but anyways. Years ago my gf (we'll call deb) and I were out with her friend (we'll call Sara). This one day Sara had to pin unlock her phone each time to take one of many pictures....out the corner of my eye I saw her pin. I saved it in a note. Months later sara and deb were at my place and went to the pool. Sara left her phone indoors. I used her password and hit jackpot. Nudes, videos, message logs with some guy she was talking (well call jeff) to, along with tons of dick picks and videos of him jacking off. Now deb was hot but sara was a fat chick that worked her rear end off and became a 11/10. With this goldmine of pics and vids I concocted a slow plan.....very slow. Slowly I broke off with deb but kept in touch with sara. I then created a alter ego online (we'll call it Vanessa). For months I worked this identity so it looked real. This identity started following Sara on all social media (Sara accepted any friend requests). Vanessa blackmailed jeff. Jeff was given 2 days to stop talking to sara or his dick picks got leaked. He was chicken poo poo and dropped her like a hot potato. But Sara was strong willed...when Vanessa threatened sara to stop talking to jeff or her pics get leaked she protested...so I knew I had to change tactics. Vanessa disappeared for a while until I could get Sara's phone in my hands for a bit. One day sara was over and "lost" her phone at my place. I "found" it for her the next day.... Not before I installed a spy app that let me keep track of her everything. A few weeks later Vanessa came back but now armed with the conversations sara was having with everyone. While tracking Sara's reactions and suspicions, I made it show that Vanessa wasnt real.... Now all my friends know me as being pretty tech literate. One day im talking with Sara and she breaks down crying telling me how she been long distance sexting this guy and somebody hacked his or her phone and now shes being blackmailed by some stranger she doesn't know. So she askes me if I could help her. Long ending short I made it look like jeff was Vanessa. I made it look like he created this person so that he could blackmail Sara into hosed up sex stuff. Sara left him and guess who was the hero? Me. I caught "Vanessa". Sara was now safe because of me. Once we blackmailed the guy, " Vanessa" disappeared... You know...for realism. Sara and I now had this tragedy...this hurdle that we overcame together. We started dating not long after. She was never going back to long distance relationships and wanted to try local....4 years later were married.
Tl;dr months of planned lies, blackmail, espionage got me my wife.

ibntumart has a new favorite as of 01:05 on Apr 19, 2016

* # ¿ Apr 19, 2016 00:30
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Golden Goat posted:

Tiny stdh



Dude's upset over SJWs ruining a FFIX Role Playing group.

I actually have no problem believing that an online role-play group based on a JRPG got into an argument over non-binary interpretations of a character and everyone overreacted.

hyperhazard posted:

HypeTelecon kept posting for years, usually in the IT threads. No idea if he's still around though.

I had the original thread bookmarked a couple of computers back, and it's killing me that I can't find it.

And now I learn that I had a HypeTelecon underwater city thread-shaped hole in my heart all this time. Please don't give up on this quest---his replies to comments on the story have got to be solid gold.

* # ¿ Apr 19, 2016 14:53
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Nyarai posted:

I can't check the link to be certain because I lack archives, but some goon said this was the original HypeTelecon thread.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2769640

According to them, HypeTelecon did not post any follow-up in it though. :(

On the other hand, I do have archives and can confirm that not only is that the right thread, HypeTelecon posted a few replies. Truly this is a day of bounties!

* # ¿ Apr 19, 2016 16:33
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

quote:

When Tim took me out to dinner he asked if he could sculpt me. It was a weird question as nothing on his profile - and nothing he had ever said - indicated that he was a sculptor.

He said, "You'd inspire me. If you let me sculpt you then I would just be inspired to become a master at it."

The next time we hung out I went to his house and he had cleared out his kitchen into a sculpting studio. He closed the window blinds and told me to undress. He then gave me bunches of red grapes and said that I could hold them over myself if I felt uncomfortable. I did as he asked and posed while holding the grapes over everything I didn't want him to see just yet. He put down some newspapers, set down a small lump of brown clay, and went to work at sculpting me.

He was really good at kneading the clay, but didn't sculpt it into any recognizable shape. He asked me a few times if I'd move the grapes away from where I was holding them, but I didn't. He then excused himself to use the nearby bathroom and very obviously was pleasuring himself. It was really uncomfortable so I put the grapes on his counter, threw my clothes on, and left.

After an hour he called to ask me where I went and I told him I was uncomfortable with the situation. He yelled and asked me why I had agreed to do it in the first place, then said he was still going to eat all the grapes.
* # ¿ Apr 26, 2016 23:33
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

quote:

I am a software developer, I write software for small financial services companies.

I sold a subscription based software package to them. Basically a server database with front end on the workstations. It's not expensive $25 per user, per month. They have 27 users registered. So pay me $675 per month.

In March, the payment date arrived and nothing. I emailed them asking for payment and reminding them of there contract terms, and stating if they did not pay the software would be removed. I had a reply saying there would be a slight delay, and they will be in contact shortly.

A couple of weeks later another email saying I'll be paid soon but they're having cashflow issues. I replied saying this wasn't acceptable, and I needed full payment of both March and April on 04/30/2016 at the latest.

THEY DIDN'T PAY!!! I called them on 05/02/2016 to say that I was coming to remove the software. When I arrived they wouldn't let me in, but I was given cash of the money due. I told them that I was still going to remove the software as I had no intention of working with them anymore. They wouldn't let me in.

At the weekend I went back to their office, a shared building. I did not have to break anything to enter the property, I simply walked in, and then got into their office through a fire escape door that lead into another hallway.

Once in I nuked their server, removing my software completely, and to a state that would be very very difficult to recover the data.

The server is theirs, and as far as I know they only had it to use my software. So I haven't deleted anything else. The data on my database was all of their client records etc, if they haven't backed that up that's their own problem. It shouldn't have been in my software if they are no longer contracted to me.

I was careful to not break anything or "force entry" into their property. And I don't believe I was seen by any cameras. I also didn't steal anything.

I have had constant calls (unanswered), and emails demanding I return stolen client data (WHICH I DON'T HAVE).

So far all I have replied to them is with

quote:

You are no longer clients of mine. Any further emails will be considered harassment.
I got a letter late last night saying they were going to take me to court. I'm pretty sure they've got nothing on me. All I did was take back what the stole. They were no longer clients, so didn't have a license for my software.

Should I say that I deleted the data remotely? (Which I can't actually do). What other proof do I need that I was in the right?

EDIT: A lot of you seem to be tech illiterate! I deleted MY OWN SOFTWARE, that they stole! I didn't steal anything, or delete anything not on the server. I didn't illegally access a computer, I removed stolen property from it!

quote:

I am 100% in the right! I haven't deleted their property, I have deleted my property that they stole! If they were storing their precious data there then tough poo poo!
* # ¿ May 12, 2016 20:56
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

quote:

A red flag in the case of Leroy was that he signed all his emails, "The Smoothenator." When we met in person, he had two pairs of sunglasses on. And it was nighttime.

He told me, "I might need you to help me walk."

I suggested, "Maybe you should take your sunglasses off."

He replied, "The Smoothenator leaves his sunglasses on. Even in the shower."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Smoothenator paid for waterproof glasses."

He wore his glasses at dinner. The waitress asked if he wanted a braille menu. When he told her he could see she gave him a funny look but said nothing more. When he ordered his dinner, he told her, "The Smoothenator will have the chicken parm." He also ordered for me, saying, "The Smoothenator's girlfriend will have the Caesar salad."

When the waitress left, I corrected him: "I'm not your girlfriend."

He pointed at me and said, "You are the Smoothenator's girlfriend."

I asked, "What if I don't want to be your girlfriend?"

He said, "Then why is the Smoothenator wasting time with you?"

"For a nice time and conversation?"

Leroy laughed and said, "The Smoothenator cares not for such things."

We split dinner and went our separate ways. I planned to ask him if he was going to drive home at night with his sunglasses on, but decided that I didn't care.
* # ¿ May 16, 2016 21:14
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice
Deconstructed tequila sunrise, of course.

* # ¿ May 21, 2016 08:41
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

* # ¿ Jun 15, 2016 19:14
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

When Red Pillers write divorce revenge fantasies posted:

This all happened to me a few years ago. I told a friend the story of my divorce and I was told to share.

Started a few years ago. I thought we were happy. We were your usual suburban professional couple. Financially secure, healthy, good sex life, two kids (14f and 9m at the time). I thought we had a healthy social life.

We were going through one of your typical married couple rough patches. Both of us were working long hours, not spending enough time together, we were going through some developmental problems with my son and tensions in the house were running a little high.

I noticed that she was spending a lot more time on her phone texting with her "girlfriends". I didn't think much of it. I started making a much more concerted effort to get out of work when I could, help around the house and be more emotionally available, but over the course of a few weeks the gulf just kept getting wider.

I ended up accidentally finding some messages when I charged up an old IPad for my son to use. Her FB messenger was still logged in and there were a lot of highly questionable messages with a guy from her hometown who I will call JimBobCooter or JBC for short. The messages weren't completely inappropriate, but I could tell there were quite a few missing based on the times and context of the messages. I made a mental note to keep an eye on this and went about trying to fix things up.

The next day after I took the day off to knock out some projects that I thought would make her happy, and left her some sweet notes reminding her how much I appreciated her she was once again in the corner of the living room "texting her girlfriends".

I took the boys iPad to the office opened up FB messenger and watched in real time as my wife tore me down. Her and JBC were making fun of me. All of my flaws, insecurities and secrets I entrusted to my partner were now fodder for her and JBC. Not only that, but while there wasn't outright sexting there was a sexual undertone to the whole conversation, especially when she was bashing my performance in the sack.

I managed to take some screenshots, but missed a good bit of the messages, because as the conversation was unfolding she was deleting them.

I wasn't emotionally capable of confronting her. I stayed in the office until she was asleep and had a couple drinks.

I took off the next day and spent some time soul searching, drinking and trying to figure out what to do. The wife came home and wanted to know what was wrong and I just coped out and told her I had a bad day. A couple minutes later I was watching the iPad as the train wreck kept unfolding.

So began a couple solid weeks of taking screenshots, drinking and detaching myself from the relationship. I knew there was no going back from this. The messages were now overtly sexual with my wife completely into it, and JBC was sprinkling in "I love you's".

I consulted a lawyer and got my options, and started moving forward.

Here's where everything got absolutely surreal. Watching the messages I found out JBC was coming to town to spend a weekend of quality time with my wife in a pretty nice hotel. I was missing a good bit of the info, they must have had a phone conversation about it at some point, but I was able to infer enough to get the when and where.

Sure as poo poo the next day the wife is buttering me up and wanting to take a spa weekend with the girls to relax and when she gets back we can really focus on our marriage. I go with it all the way. It's the greatest idea she's ever had, and I'll do anything to get us back on track.

I get with the lawyer and have him draft a strong separation agreement stating that she would move out, she would get weekend visitation, no child support in the interim until the divorce is final. Then I sit through the most agonizing two weeks of my life. After all this most of my feelings for her are completely gone, and I'm just seething with anger like I've never felt before.

D-day arrives. I take the day off work. I Withdraw half of any money in any accounts we are joint on, leave her half alone. I had already redirected my paycheck to a new bank. I close our money market account and get a cashiers check for her half and deposit my half in my new account. I stop at office max and print out about 75 pages of FB messenger screenshots, and I kill time because I don't want to be at home.

She texts me that she's taking off and that she loves me. I tell her to have fun.

I show up to the hotel at about 830 and call the wife's phone from the lobby. It goes straight to VM. They are probably already at it, whatever. I walk up to the front desk and ask if I can use the phone to be connected to JBCs room. It rings three times and he picks up.

JBC: Hello?
Me: JBC, can you send my wife down to the lobby please?
JBC: I don't know what you're talking about bro.
Me: Ok then. I guess I'll have to call Mrs. JBC and get her down here. (Totally a bluff. I knew he was married, and I knew her first name but that was it.)
JBC: (Inaudible, shuffling, panic)
Me: You got five minutes. Click
Not even two minutes later my wife comes walking out of the elevator looking a little flustered. I sit her down in the corner of the lobby.
Her: Starts spewing bullshit saying it's not what it seems etc etc.
Me: I'm not here to argue. The things that are said in this pile of papers are what's going on. The only way I'm not giving a copy of this to daughter, your parents and emailing it to everyone we know is if you move out immediately. (Wife was very prideful. Daughter was going through a rebellious teen phase and her knowing probably would have forever killed their relationship. Wife was also her parents golden child and she always worried about what they thought of her. I didn't have much leverage and shame was my only card to play. Also her professional life is built up around her image, so I knew she would protect that at all costs.)
Her: Sniffle, mumble, inaudible
Me: This is a check for half of the money market account. I've withdrawn my half of the money from all the other joint accounts. You should have more than enough to get a place.
She starts to cry a little. I could almost see the different thoughts and waves of emotions going through her, but now was the time to keep pressing.
Me: Here is a separation agreement that I think is more than fair considering what's going on. I'm going to need you to look this over, sign it, and leave it at the house when you get your stuff. Do you want to look through these screenshots?
Her: No.
Me: Ok. Go have fun with JBC. Do not come back to the house or I'm going to send this (holds up ream of screenshots) to everyone.

I bounce out of the lobby, and I can hear her start to have a breakdown. I get to the car drive off to a parking lot and have my own crying rage fit. Previously I would have cried in front of her and yelled and whatnot but I managed to get my poo poo together enough to pull it off.

I don't know what she did that night or over the weekend. She texted and called over and over wanting to talk. I just turned the phone off and by the time Monday afternoon rolled around there were movers getting her stuff and she delivered the agreement. I let her have a talk with the kiddos basically saying mommy and daddy need some time a part, we still love you, etc etc. Standard divorce talk.

After a week she wants to have a real talk for the first time. I oblige her because I've already got my poo poo together and I've got an idea of what I want, but I should hear her out.

She's so sorry. She wants another chance. She wants her family back. She'll do anything. She's on her knees crying into my lap. I have no intention of ever taking her back.

I tell her she needs to set up marriage counseling on her own at a time that works for me. I tell her that I can't live with her, but she should be around the children to try to maintain a relationship with them.

So starts our new normal of her coming over the house, cooking and having dinner with the kids three nights a week (she always saved me a plate, I made myself scarce), her cleaning the house and doing the kids laundry then heading back to her place.

We went to counseling. It consisted of her working through her issues with the therapist trying to figure out why she did it, her begging for forgiveness, and me stoically playing the victim.

I was never going to give her another chance. All I wanted to do was kill time, establish myself as the primary caregiver to the kids, and establish her as not having residency in the house.

After a few months I go to my own therapist and get diagnosed with depression and PTSD. I ask my work if it's possible to go to part time for the foreseeable future to deal with personal issues, and it's no big deal.

After six months of therapy I told her that I couldn't forgive her right now and that I wanted an amicable divorce, but she is still the love of my life and maybe someday we could give it another try. She was devastated, but agreed to the divorce if I promised to try again someday.

Once the divorce was filed I needed the kids to want to stay with me. I left a google search for "how to survive your wife's infidelity" up on the shared PC at home, and I left some printed out infidelity articles not so hidden in the kitchen. My daughter found them and came to me crying. I told her she wasn't supposed to find those, that mom made a mistake, that mom still loves her, and that I would always be here for her. My daughter who used to hold my wife in such high regard now wouldn't talk to her without screaming, and it crushed her.

Not surprisingly when the court needed statements from the kids a few months later little brother followed big sisters lead and they both wanted to stay with Dad in the house they grew up in.

When the divorce was finalized I got the house (had to buy out some of her equity, but that's ok). I got primary custody of the kids. I got awarded generous child support due to the difference in our incomes due to me working part time.
Now for the last two years I've gotten to live in the house with my kids, work part time, get the now ex to subsidize it for me, and when she takes the kids over the weekends I get to have my fun with tinderellas and some FWBs I've cultivated.

In the eyes of my kids I'm the patron saint of fatherhood for taking the high road and always being there.

In the eyes of my ex I'm the one that got away that she will always pine for, and I get the bonus of having her come over for sex whenever I want it by dangling that carrot of maybe getting back together.

But that is never going to happen.

TLDR: Got divorced and it worked out.
* # ¿ Jun 18, 2016 01:47
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice
A conspiracy of conures and cockatoos!

* # ¿ Jul 5, 2016 23:06
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice
Agreed. My takeaway was "I never thought Muslims were like real people until one literally bought my respect, so I guess they're not all horrible!"

Love that that one came out so close to Ramadan's end as well.

And on the off chance I'm not the only Muslim who enjoys perusing this thread,
Eid mubarak! May we all get to guzzle our body weights in coffee to make up for a month of morning commutes without coffee.

* # ¿ Jul 6, 2016 16:16
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice
Belated thanks for the Eid well wishes! Have some dating STDH in return:

quote:

Will and I were out to dinner on a first date. It wasn't clear to me from our pre-date conversations, but he had a chip on his shoulder against the government. To sum up his views, every president works for a shadow organization of ultra-powerful businessmen, the government was behind 9/11, and currency should not be backed by anything other than gold and silver.

He seemed a bit bitter, and despite a few minor disagreements that I voiced (and that he was quick to shoot down), I simply nodded at everything that he said and played ignorance.

When the time came to pay the check, I pulled out my wallet and he pulled out his. That was fine. What wasn't fine was when he pulled out three bills from his wallet, all of which were the size of paper bills, but were actually crayon pictures with dollar amounts scrawled onto them.

He said, "That's a lot on my part, but the service was good."

I asked him, "What are those?"

He said, "Oh, my currency. Worth more than U.S. toilet paper, that's for sure. Mine's backed by actual gold and silver."

I picked up the paper strips. One of them had a picture that looked like himself locked in combat with a bald eagle. I put it down and said, "I don't think they're going to accept this."

He said, "You'd be surprised how people's minds can be opened."

The waitress came by and we handed her the bills, my American ones and his from made-up-ville. She looked at his and said, "I'm sorry, we can't accept these."

He replied, "Mine are backed by gold and silver." He pointed at me and went on, "Hers are backed by nothing."

The waitress stared at him, caught like a deer in headlights. I said, "Hey Will, maybe if you give her the gold and silver that your bills are worth then she'd consider that legal tender."

Will said, "Sorry. I don't carry gold and silver on me."

I asked him, "How can you call your currency backed by something if she has no means to exchange it for what you say it's backed by?"

He said, "Not my problem. Blame the U.S. government."

The waitress put the check back on the table and said, "I'll let you guys work this out."

Will said, "Her problem for being blind. Ready to go?" He stood up and hastily put on his jacket.

I asked, "We're just going to leave her half the check?"

He said, "Your bills are worthless."

I said to him, "I'll meet you outside. I'm going to run to the bathroom."

He left, and I wrote down his name and number for the waitress. I wasn't about to pay his half, but I wanted some justice to be done. I slipped it into the check and met him outside, whereafter I made some excuse and went home.

He asked me out again after that, but I declined the offer. I'm not sure if the restaurant ever followed up with him, but I've since heard that he got into some legal trouble for conspiracy.
* # ¿ Jul 12, 2016 18:09
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Telemaze posted:


Also people who write "your's" are the worst.

Your's o right.

* # ¿ Jul 13, 2016 21:57
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Khazar-khum posted:

Man

quote:

"I don't like it when people use their popularity to justify insulting my friends"

"Unless I'm the one doing it on Troper Tales, that is! Also, punching teenaged girls for comments similar to ones I myself make is my Crowning Moment of Pencil Breaking or something!"

So did Troper Tales require third person for some reason? And if so, was the rule just to use it for the very first sentence and feel free to switch from first to third interchangeable otherwise?

* # ¿ Aug 1, 2016 08:05
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice
I wasn't sure about posting this in case the person really is in a bad relationship, but (1)their subsequent replies to people on their post has me convinced this is a troll, (2) the family history is written like snippets of a bad historical romance setting up the heroine's badassery, and (3) no sane person crafts and delivers a dénouement like this to their spouse in the first place.

So here you go:

Next week on a very special episode of Outlander posted:

An open letter to my husband who yelled at me in public: I don’t care that you’re in therapy. I don’t care that you’re “working” with your therapist to think before you speak. I don’t care to hear your excuses, logic, or reasoning. I don’t care that you’ve “come a long way” because yelling at your wife in public is humiliating, degrading, embarrassing, and made me ashamed to be with you, to be your wife, and of myself.

Over the last three years, you have systematically tried (and succeeded) to break me down, and crush whatever self-esteem I have.

Until now.

Let me school you on a few things, son. Since you seem to have forgotten who I am, what I’m made of, and how lucky you are to have married someone like me, I feel like you need a refresher course.

I come from very, very strong stock, stronger than you could even fathom. Both sides of my family are Scottish. Both of the clans from which I have descended from are border Lords, and in some cases, nobility. We fought (and often won) fiercely. Both of my ancestral clans fought on the losing side of the Scottish civil war and the Jacobite Uprising, and they knew they were on the losing side. But they did not care, they just wanted to fight for what they believed in.

My grandmother (Moms’ side) was repeatedly raped by her father until she was seventeen. He came after her in a field. She pulled a Winchester rifle on him and told him that if he ever touched her again she’d castrate him. He never touched her again. She birthed five children at home, because the nearest hospital was over an hours’ drive away.

My grandfather (Dads’ side) made and ran moonshine during the prohibition. You might not think that’s much, a lot of people did. But they lived up in the mountains, and driving that sweet, sweet corn concoction down the mountainside- at breakneck speed so Johnny 5-0 didn’t catch them- was very dangerous.

My mom worked in a mans’ field, doing a mans’ job. She was told at first to do “what the rest of you women do” which was find herself a husband, then quit. She did not. When she got married and got pregnant, she was told to quit after the baby was born. They were horrified and disgusted because she wasn’t going to be perpetually pregnant and in the kitchen. She told them multiple times in which orifice they could stick their opinions, all with nary a hair out of place and a smile on her perfectly lipsticked mouth. She broke glass ceiling after glass ceiling, and the very mention of her name brings about respect now. Don’t think for a second I didn’t learn from her. (Though it seems I have failed her teachings.)

My Father was a stone-cold badass. My Father was Green Beret Special Forces. He then worked security at a nuclear facility. Later on, he decided he wanted to work with the nuclear material, not protect it. He literally has nuclear physicists for friends, and humbly admits he is nowhere near as intelligent as they are. He is merely happy to learn from them, and know that they’re his friends. Why? Because they don’t treat him as “less than”. From day one, he taught me to never, ever, ever accept someone who treats me as less than- and that includes you, dear husband.

Oh yes, dear husband the blood running through my veins is laced with Damascus steel. It’s high time you remember that.

When you met me all those years ago, I had my pick of men. I was young, full of life, vibrant and vivacious, and confident. But I didn’t just want a man. I wanted a husband and someone who would be a good father. I chose you. Quit making me regret that choice. Here’s the thing- I know I’m a damned good catch. I am incredibly beautiful, scarily smart, funny, witty, and charming. Per you, I am everything you have ever wanted. You seem to have forgotten that you won the jackpot of a lifetime when you married me. Even your brothers weren’t sure how “you managed to score her, bro, but drat you’re lucky.” Remember that? Didn’t think I overheard that, did you? If you keep this up, you’re going to lose your winnings. Here’s what will happen: every man you know will call you an idiot. Every man I know will be thanking God.

I’ve been a good wife to you, given you the child you so longed for, I’m a good mother, and I’ve provided a loving, peaceful home. You, conversely, have tried at every turn to berate and belittle me.

For a long time, I believed the BS you fed me. Until finally, I confronted you and you went to therapy. But you’re still a jackass. A jackass who yells at his wife in public. To quote Queen Bey: this is your final warning, you know I give you life. If you try this poo poo again, you gon’ lose your wife.

Wife: out.

* # ¿ Aug 17, 2016 02:23
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice
Though of course a completely pointless one.

* # ¿ Sep 14, 2016 11:33
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice
Not even a single jumbo cookie. :argh:

edit:

Content:



More content:

ibntumart has a new favorite as of 13:01 on Sep 14, 2016

* # ¿ Sep 14, 2016 12:47
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

A civil tone posted:

Ah, Monica. She works at Sephora, has a younger brother, and two loving parents. We chatted a bit on the dating site's instant messenger thing before meeting up.

Me: Hi!
NuttyMonica22: hi
Me: It's nice to "meet" you, of sorts. What are you up to?
NuttyMonica22: nothin
Me: According to your profile, you work at Sephora. What's that like?
NuttyMonica22: yea*

*Interlude: Is being a good conversationalist too much to ask? Maybe I ask for too much, but a good conversation is certainly something I think necessary.

Me: I work in entertainment.
NuttyMonica22: u make pornos?
Me: Heh. Sadly, no.
NuttyMonica22: oh, too bad. i'd come act in one. i act sometimes.*

*Interlude: A girl who will act in a film has my attention, but one who would act in a porno has my complete attention. Fast-forward>>>

Me: Would you like to meet up sometime?
NuttyMonica22: yea. tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow? That's not too soon?
NuttyMonica22: no. i wanna grab ya before another girl does ;-)
Me: Wow. That sounds intriguing.*

*Interlude: Actually, it sounds psychotic, but let's give it a whirl!

I meet the bespectacled, dark-haired, short, slightly plump Monica in front of the Virgin Megastore in Times Square. She smells very good and she's dressed very well; a lovely blue blouse and long black skirt.

"Hi Monica! It's nice to meet you!"

She initiates a hug. "Hey, you too. Where would you like to go for lunch?"

"What are you in the mood for?"

She says, "Whatever you're in the mood for."*

*Interlude: I want a date, not a drone. Surely, you must have some opinion on the subject of where to go to eat.

"Um, well, is there anything you won't eat? I'll eat just about anything–"

"Fine! We'll eat loving fast food! Everyone'll be happy!"

"Whoa–what? I just–wait–"

She buries her head in her hands. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I just–ergh. I've had a crappy day. That's it."

"We can be two adults about it, though. I see no need to take it out on me."

"I wasn't taking it out on you! God, what is it with guys and–"

"Monica, calm down. You sort of did take it out on me, but if you're having a bad day, then I can just try to cheer you up–"

"Don't you tell me to calm down! You don't know what the gently caress I'm going through!"*

*Interlude: I had paid $7.50 to make it down into the city. Recalling that it would take me an additional $7.50 to leave the city, I wanted to try and fix the situation so that I could at least have something to show for my $15 total transportation expenditures. There was a new cheesecake place a bit uptown I had been itching to try... now just to escape from this creature...

Looking up at the sky in hope of some divine intervention, I turn back to the fuming Monica. Her shapely pale face had faded into a deep, angry crimson. I begin stepping away from her.

"Monica, how about if we maybe just cancel this whole thing? I mean, it's obvious that–"

She grabs my jacket and pulls me towards her. "Don't leave me! Don't leave me alone!" She buries herself into my coat and puts her right thumb in her mouth.

I turn my head left and right. Luckily, this is nothing out of the ordinary in New York. "Monica, please–please don't do this. Come on. We'll have a good time, and we'll forget that this ever happened. Promise."*

*Translation: I'm hetero, but at this point, I'd rather be on a date with a guy.

*Fast-forward. We're in an 8th avenue kosher deli! >>>

Monica has painstakingly removed each item from her BLT, and is currently arranging the ingredients in alphabetical order on her plate. My turkey sandwich, still all in one piece, tastes all the better, for some reason.

"Monica, are you planning on eating your food-formerly-known-as-sandwich?"

She shoots me a look that would emasculate an elephant. "Casey thought it was cute when I did this."

"Casey?"

She leans back and crumples into herself, darkly. "My former boyfriend."

"Oh. You know what's funny?"

"What?"

"The fact that I'm not Casey."

The meal is completed in silence. She shoots plentiful dirty looks over her glasses at me. Afterwards, we walk out of the deli. I'm anxious to bring the date to a close, but it's not quite done yet. Oh no, not by a long shot.

She cocks her head and smiles devilishly. "Take a walk with me?"*

*No. Say no. Just say, "No thanks. I want to go home." Say, "You're nuts," and run away. Do NOT take a walk with this girl. Do you hear me? Hello?

I say, "Sure. Where to?"

"The park."

"Central park?"

"No, fuckhead, MacArthur Park! Yes, Central Park! God!"

She storms on ahead. I take my chance, turn on my heels, and walk in the opposite direction. I don't need this. I need cheesecake.

Sure enough, I hear her feet hitting the pavement in my direction. I quicken my pace, delaying the inevitable feel of her desperate hands on my jacket again. Yank!

"Where are you going? Don't leave me! I'm okay... I'm okay... I'm okay..."

"Christ, Monica, ease off! What the hell is wrong with you?"

She caresses my face and leans in for a kiss. I pull away.*

*I like kisses. For me to refuse one, there has to be something really wrong. Like a psycho girl, for instance.

She gives me a pained look, then walks towards the park. I shrug and decide to follow her. Why not? It promises to be an entertaining jaunt, and we'll be near that fine cheesecake place.

*Fast-forward>>>

We're sitting in the park. Her head is on my shoulder and she takes my hand. "Casey and I used to walk here all of the time."

"Uh-huh," I say, barely paying attention.

"Casey and I had a great time together."

"I'm sure," I mutter, watching an attractive blonde walk past.

"Casey and I hosed behind that bush over there."

I stand up. "Hey, Monica, guess what?"

"What?"

I state the conclusion of my findings, "You're a loving psychopath!"

She stands up, comes right into my face, and screams, "I'm the nicest loving girl you'll ever loving meet! All I've done today is treat you like a loving prince!"

Calmly, I move in for the kill. "Monica, please speak softly and in a civil tone."

"How dare you loving take me out and treat me like–"

"Please speak softly and in a civil tone."

"gently caress you and gently caress your civil tone bullshit!"

"Please speak softly and in a civil tone."

She raises her arm to hit me, but she hasn't counted on my summer camp karate lessons. I do a quick high block as her arm sails at my head. Her fist ricochets into her nose, which she clutches with both hands.

"My nose! My loving nose!"

"Please speak softly and in a civil–"

"You broke my loving nose!" She waves her arms about, and indeed, her nose is bleeding slightly.

Cracking up, I barely utter my final, "Please speak softly and in a civil tone."

"Aaaaaaagh!" she screams and gives chase. I'm faster. Losing her easily, I slip inside of the dessert place, order a slice of cheesecake, walk back to Grand Central, and take the train home.


EPILOGUE:

NuttyMonica22: hello?
NuttyMonica22: i'm sosososososo sorry
NuttyMonica22: please talk to me
Me: Casey broke up with you because you don't speak softly nor in a civil tone.

///You have added NuttyMonica22 to your Block List>>>
* # ¿ Sep 14, 2016 22:56
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice
Then let me give you a bit more for your bot:

I hear that equine buttsauce is especially good posted:

Kelsey wrote her first e-mail to me in verse, so that alone made me sit up and take notice. She was pretty - a blonde with a great smile - and she was applying to several English PhD programs.

I checked out her profile. Well-written, yes. Let's check out her photos. A shot of her on a mountain trail, nice. A picture of her concentrating over a chess game, great. A photo of her pressing her tongue to the rear of a zebra, super.

Wait.

With wide eyes and a wider mouth, her tongue was very obviously pressed to a zebra's butt. The caption read, "Testing for buttsauce."

In my response to her, I complimented her on the creativity of her message, asked her a few harmless questions, and queried about the zebra picture. I believe that my exact words were, "Did you find any buttsauce on that zebra?"

Her reply to my entire message was two words: "What zebra?"

I wrote back, "Why, the one whose butt you're testing for buttsauce in your profile photo. I hear that equine buttsauce is especially good."

The next day, that photo was deleted from her profile. She wrote me another message, in response to the questions from my first e-mail, but without addressing the zebra picture at all.

I surmised that the photo's placement on her profile was a mistake, or that she was embarrassed by it. Either way, I didn't plan to bring it up again, although the thought crossed my mind that if we ended up kissing, then little atoms of zebra butt would enter my mouth. Yum!

Kelsey turned out to be very sharp, and I usually like sharp women, so I asked her out. We did dinner, followed by a jam session at her aunt's condo (her aunt wasn't home) over a piano and bottle of wine.

I began playing "Circle of Life" from The Lion King without telling her the name of the song. She sat forward on the couch and asked, "What's that song? I know it."

I said, "It's 'Circle of Life' from The Lion King. The part in the beginning with the elephants, giraffes, and zebras running over to Pride Rock for the presentation of Simba."

"Okay!" she yelled, loud enough for plentiful condo neighbors to hear, "I know what this is about. The loving zebra was a dare on my trip to Africa! Now you know, and you can shut the gently caress up about it."

Kelsey was being a little too sharp. That's not what I meant at all by playing the song, or by mentioning zebras. The evening had gone from fun to zero in a moment, and it was, somehow, my fault.

Quite apart from being misunderstood, I don't like being spoken to that way, and I told her, "That's not why I played the song–"

"Okay, sure," she interrupted.

"...but I don't think that being dared to lick a zebra's rear end is a big deal."

She said, "Stop talking about it!" then yelled something unintelligible and put her hands over her ears.

"Are you done?" I asked when she was done.

She didn't respond, but she stared at me, like she was deciding whether to continue with the date, or to flay me and display my attractive remains as a warning over the gate of some exotic zebra-lickers-only fortress, built high in the rolling hills.

I turned back to the piano. "I'll play zebra-free songs from here on out."

"Okay, that's it. Please go." She stood and opened the door for me to exit, which I did as soon as possible.

My date was over. All because of some stupid zebra, tens of thousands of miles away.
* # ¿ Sep 15, 2016 00:55
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

I guess NSFW? posted:

So we've been with eachother for 6 years. Our sex life is just as good as when it started, I just wanted to try out some kinkier stuff so I suggested roleplaying. Kevin (husband) was somewhat open to the idea, but also thought it was a bit ridiculous. This is something I've always wanted to try, sort of like a fetish. So we got a few costumes, a Cop outfit and a Spy trenchcoat for him, and a nurse and cheerleader outfit for me. All of our roleplaying revolves around one person being in character, and the other interacting with them.

But he takes his roles as a joke! He goes intentionally extreme with the roles. I know he thinks it's a bit ridiculous, and I know he has more fun when he does this, but I want a real roleplay!

For example, when he dressed up as the Cop, he was supposed to do a stop and frisk, arrest me, etc, but in a sexy way. But instead, he kicks open the door, screams "HANDS UP THIS IS A RAID" and basically tackles me to the bed (this is OKAY it's NOT ABUSE we have rough dom/sub sex all the time), handcuffs me, literally reads me my Miranda Rights, leaves me there and rummages through the drawers throwing stuff everywhere, pulls out a little baggy of weed and goes apeshit like a cop might. I play a long, try to get him to 'let me go' if I can do sexual favours for him. Then we have some rough sex with handcuffs and everything. The actual sex was good but he kept speaking into his fake radio calling for backup, when I was on top he would shout OFFICER DOWN OFFICER DOWN.

With the Spy outfit he would come in and check me for wires and do the whole Pink Panther thing where he says "It is lovely weather we are having" while sneaking to the drapes and then beating the drapes up. I was envisioning a more James Bond-eqsue seduction.

Like, I like the sex, it's good, but I wanted a more porn-like experience. And it was kinda funny but not what I thought. And I KNOW that he thinks roleplay is ridiculous, and that he is trying to have fun with it but I feel like he doesn't know what I want. And I don't hate him for it, he's a big fuckin goofball in or out of our roles, but I want to have MY experience. How can I tell him this?

* # ¿ Sep 29, 2016 22:26
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Teriyaki Hairpiece posted:

The vast majority of caring people do about sports is because they are betting money on them, legally or illegally. After that comes local pride. After that comes sports as a way to have fun go to a bar or gather with people, an excuse to do some drinking or eat some unhealthy food. Few people actually care because of the games themselves, and those people are weirdos.

So you've never been to Texas, I see.

* # ¿ Oct 5, 2016 00:18
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

flashy_mcflash posted:

TIFU on reddit with a slight variation on 'and then everybody clapped'

quote:

I get matched with a super hot girl, like a colombian, white, nice body, I mean the whole package.

Thank goodness he clarified she wasn't one of those inferior brown ones. Wouldn't want that package to be incomplete. :rolleyes:

* # ¿ Oct 5, 2016 19:48
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

quote:

So this isn't exactly a story of me being mistaken as an employee, and I'll repost elsewhere if I need to, but I thought everyone here would enjoy this. I actually just posted this as a comment in a thread where a commenter suggested singing All-Star by Smash Mouth at people asking you for money. This is by far the most loving insane thing I think I have ever done inside of a retail space.
I used your suggestion today at the grocery store. I was in the grocery store and a guy asked me for money. The song clicked on in my head and I started spouting off the lyrics.

♪ I said yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself♫

...What are you doing?

♫And we could all use a little changeeeee

I started walking towards him

♫ well the years start coming and they don't stop coming

I added a little bounce to my step

What the hell man

The guy turns around, looking defeated but I don't let up.

♫Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running

I put emphasis on the last part. The man turned his head to look at men but I had already put a slight lean into my step to help me build momentum.

♫Didn't make sense not to live for fun!

At this point we are in an all out sprint. I left my groceries behind for the humble pursuit of telling this guy to politely gently caress off.

♫ YOUR BRAIN GETS SMART BUT YOUR HEAD FEELS DUMB.

The man makes a quick corner at the end of the frozen food aisle but can't quite keep his footing and slams into an open door in which someone was pulling a pizza. Knocked to the floor, the poor soul looks up at me standing at the end of the aisle. At this point I start to think that this guy maybe doesn't deserve this, but I can't help myself. I take slow steps into the freezer section whispering:
♫ so to do so much to see, so what's wrong with taking the back streets?

Dude bro is clamouring backwards, kicking to get away from me.

♫ *You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never learn if you don't bro.

Sliding on the condensation, the pan handler scrambles on the floor. Finally gaining his footing, he turns quickly only to knock over a small Coke display.... right... in front... of a police officer.

What the hell is going on here?

THIS GUY IS CRAZY AND HE'S BEEN CHASING ME ALL OVER THE STORE!

We had only been going at this for an aisle or two. The officer looks up at me with an eye brow raised and his lips tense.

Uh, he asked me for money so I started singing Smash Mouth at him.

The officer shot a harsh glance.

You were soliciting inside the store? Get up.

The officer grabbed him by the arm and walked him over to the store's security officer. Embarrassed, I seek out a manager and explain calmly that I did something a loving insane person would do because it sounded funny when I read it on the Internet. The manager chuckled, said they had issues with this guy before and walked me to the front of the store where they had posted a "banned, do not serve" picture of the guy up front. They had a whole rack of these pictures, but his picture was the only one that looked scared instead of smug.
* # ¿ Oct 5, 2016 21:06
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

this is totally how real people talk and interact posted:

So here's what happened:

My friend, Mike, and his GF, Claire, went with a group of friends (I was among them) and we had a great time, except, there was an orbiter around Claire most of the time. He was COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that Claire and Mike were dating and he was trying to win her love with his holy fedora by opening doors for her and other stuff that fedora wearing Knights like to do to get laid.

Well, Mike notices and decides to have fun with it. In front of the WK, he grabs her rear end, whisper to her all that and WK is VISIBLY pissed.

He tells Mike in private that, "You need to back off dude. She doesn't like that and it's rape." He laughs and ignores him and WK is telling Claire that, "if she needs help", or "she needs him to to help."

At this point Claire notices the WK and has fun also and tries to, in her words, "encourage him to do more". Now, they are not bad people, but they absolute HATE White Knights.

At the end of our day, they go with one last thing.

WK pulls Mike again and warns him, "Bro, one last time and I'm gonna kick your rear end. BACK OFF. She told me she doesn't want you and that she respects me. She is clearly not into you."

Mike replies, "Oh yeah? If you think you have a shot at her using your loving white knight skills, you need to see the real world bro. She isn't in to you st all, trust me and save yourself the touble."

Wk says, "I already warned you."

Mike replies, "Bro, I am gonna gently caress her real good tonight bro."

WK is getting redder and more angrier because his "true love" is getting threatened.

WK says, "are you trying to start a fight?"

Mike replies, "gently caress, you are retarded."

Then Mark(EDIT: MIKE, NOT MARK) says loudly, " Hey Babe! Do you love me?"

Claire says, "Huh? Of course! Why would you think not?"

I knew at this point, it was about to go down

Mike says, "Well, our friend here is convinced that you love him because of all the things he did for you. I think we should show him how thankful we are. You want the condom off, or on this time?"

Claire replies, "I think off is better. I like the taste."
(Sidenote : we are all aware of their sex life, and they know ours)

WK is SUPER embarrassed and literally runs out of the building and we haven't seen or heard of him since.

I will update later after work to tell you guys what happened to the WK once I talk to his friend, who, BTW is a girl.

EDIT : MARK--->MIKE. I DIDN'T NOTICE THE TYPO AND THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE
* # ¿ Oct 7, 2016 06:28
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Jerry Cotton posted:

http://imgur.com/gallery/omt29

So the first pic is from an average session of FATAL, I take it.

* # ¿ Oct 13, 2016 01:28
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice
Stupid as it is, I think "As I was paying him"="since/because I was paying."

* # ¿ Oct 14, 2016 22:43
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Horror_Business posted:

I feel like I've seen this exact story in this thread before, but one of my friends just posted this to Facebook:



There was a Something Positive comic maybe ten years back where a kid in a supermarket annoyed a main character and he purposefully bought the last cupcake (or piece of cake or slice of pie or something) to eat in front of her.

* # ¿ Nov 21, 2016 05:28
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

life is killing me posted:

Speaking of which what the poo poo is the owner of a company doing at the front desk and how would you even begin to own a company at 19 unless you were a child prodigy or your daddy gave it to you

Silver, my friend. It knows how to sing in all languages.

* # ¿ Nov 24, 2016 00:22
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

gschmidl posted:

First time I've wanted to punch all of these people in the face.

So your first time encountering Troper Tales, I take it.

* # ¿ Dec 4, 2016 16:15
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Is there anything improv can't do? posted:

I was walking to work and passed a guy smoking a cigarette outside a bar when he leaned in and loud-whispered in my face, “Hey gorgeous.” Ssssssmooch!

My usual response out of safety is to be Boring Grey Rock, but this time I didn’t feel like taking it. After a few paces my instinct told me it was the right moment and situation to turn my heel, walk right up to the guy and put him in his place.

And it worked.

Let me explain “my improvisational process” :D. I was wearing shoes with a high, stacked heel that make a lot of noise when I strike my heel. Knowing that my hair gets big and bouncy when I walk with a particular strut, I imagined myself as an animal that was posturing or fluffing its feathers when ready to defend itself. I kept a cold death stare on him, got right to his face and whispered in a slow, murderous tone through gritted teeth:

“Inappropriate, buddy.”

The guy collapsed his shoulders and recoiled, shot his eyes to the ground, tossed his cigarette and shuffled backwards into the bar.

Over-analytical I know, and it certainly won't work in every situation. But I felt so gangsta putting some old dance and acting tools to good use and setting a boundary in an intentional, composed manner.
* # ¿ Dec 8, 2016 12:29
  • Quote
ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

quote:

This takes place years ago, when I was at a bar with a couple of friends and we wound up hanging out with a large group of women who were in a bachelorette party. There were about ten of them, and they were on a scavenger hunt type of game, where they had to get pictures of different things, like a condom and a penis, which one of my friends happily obliged, right in the middle of the bar. A story for another time.

Apparently, one of the pictures they needed was of a girl getting spanked. One of the girls volunteered, and asked my friend to spank her for the photo. Said friend is a big guy, about 6'8", pushing 280 lbs, only a little of which was fat. He gave her a small spanking, what would certainly be described as a "love tap", so as to not hurt this poor girl.

She stood from her bent-over position, looked him in the eye, and said: "I meant for you to spank me like a man, not spank me like a bitch."

Cue record scratch.

Actually, record scratch doesn't cut it. Cue the largest and blackest of large black women, kool-aid manning her way through the wall of the bar, waving a finger the size of the statue of liberty while screaming at the top of her lungs "OH NO YOU DI'INT!!" Because my friend's eyes lit up with the most malicious smile I've ever seen. In the words of Barney Stinson, "Challenge loving accepted."

I couldn't stop him either. There was no time for "Hey, maybe this isn't a good idea." Or, "Hey, we might get thrown out for this, and they still have our credit cards at the bar for our tabs." Or, "Hey, we just met this broad twenty minutes ago and we're hammered, if she starts screaming sexual assault, our dumb asses will not fly as eye witnesses when the cops get here."

Nope. My friend wound up like a major league baseball player on steroids and slapped that poor girl's rear end so hard that the crack could be heard over the bar music. Me and all nine of her friends visibly cringed for this poor girl's rear end while she screamed.

Thankfully, she kind of realized that she'd asked for it and we got to stay in the bar. She didn't sit down the rest of the night, either.
* # ¿ Mar 9, 2017 12:51
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Shoombo posted:

???

Edit: apparently this was a few days ago, but I can't let inaccuracies about women's colleges just slide

They're referring to the much more famous Wesleyan University. though.

:ninja: edit: Which Google would pop up as the top results unless you deliberately put in "college" for some reason.

* # ¿ Jul 12, 2017 15:18
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Captain Monkey posted:

Thats a phrase meaning someone made a 'sour' face you numbskulls.

I honestly can't tell if the people saying this isn't a real saying are trolling the guy who somehow never heard that phrase before.

quote:

I took Paige out to dinner. We had a mundane conversation up until she finished her dinner completely. There was nothing left on her plate and she said proudly, "I'm in the clean plate club!" like she was a five-year-old.

"Good for you," I said.

She then pulled a folded piece of paper out of her pocket and unfolded it. It was a certificate that had her name and said, "Clean Plate Club." There was a signature line on the certificate that said "Witness" beneath it. She handed it to me with a pen and said that she had one for every day of her life.

I signed off on her certificate and she took it back with a big smile. She said, "You should think about joining. There are great membership perks."

"Like what?"

"Like being full. And the annual meetings with other platers. The lifelong bonds we develop are extraordinary. This year's convention is in Vegas."

"Uh-huh."

"Clean Plate Club!"

"Great."

That was our only date.
* # ¿ Jul 16, 2017 05:41
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

Len posted:

Wait mayonnaise has pickles in it?

Not unless you're doing it really wrong.

* # ¿ Jul 24, 2017 02:46
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice

life is killing me posted:

If someone like that doctor exists, I'm willing to bet they have a lot of free time because they have no patients because anyone with a lick of common sense would dismiss them as a quack and also know that a doctor who ISN'T an MD, isn't actually a doctor and shouldn't be practicing medicine.

Not true: you can get a DO instead of an MD. They undergo the same training as MDs with an admittedly weird section on osteopathy, but they're taught to consider it as therapeutic at best nowadays rather than medicine. They still take the MCAT, do residencies, and have to pass state medical licensing requirements.

And they also wouldn't high-five parents who refused to vaccinate their kids.

* # ¿ Aug 3, 2017 09:28
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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 07:26
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ibntumart
Mar 18, 2007

Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.
College Slice


And yes, I know internal decapitation (or atlanto-occipital dislocation if you want to use high falutin' doctor talk) is a thing, but the whole point is that your head doesn't actually sever from your body, much less land on the seat next to you and get sewn back on.

* # ¿ Aug 12, 2017 09:11
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The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.
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