quote:

Paging Leonidas To The Front Desk
HARDWARE STORE | NEW YORK, NY, USA | HALL OF FAME, TOP, WILD & UNRULY

Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

Customer: “What? NO!”

Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

Customer: “Then do it!”

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

ibntumart posted:

e: I'm feeling nostalgic... this STDH belongs in every iteration of this thread!

Henchman of Santa posted:

Holy Christ, for sheer volume of poo poo that didn't happen, this is unbeatable. Does anyone have the responses to this? Does this guy still post here?

Nyarai posted:

I can't check the link to be certain because I lack archives, but some goon said this was the original HypeTelecon thread.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2769640

According to them, HypeTelecon did not post any follow-up in it though.

HypeTelecon posted:

Anyways, why are you people dissin' the tux so much? If you had a chance to have ANY suit purchased for you...you're saying you WOULDN'T get a full-on tux? I thought I looked drat skippy in it! Yeah, I could've gone for a snappy Armani ensemble, but would've only paled in comparison to Ahmed's Brioni suit...and I seriously doubt things would've gone over well with accounting if I had charged a suit that can be worth as much as $25,000 after tailoring!

I also just realized I've confused Islam and Hinduism. This explains a lot, and Ahmed is probably REALLY confused why I kept asking him about eating delicious food coming from a cow. Wow, he is going to laugh REALLY hard when I tell him this...I'm really embarrassed now. Me and my drat assumptions, heh

Update to my ex-fiance attempting to claim my grandmother's wedding ring posted:

I wanted to say thanks for all of the advice and support I got when I posted on here a while back. I was in a pretty lovely place, and I can't describe how awesome it was to have literally hundreds of people telling me what a pathetic douche-chill my ex is.

As my title suggests, I don't have a thrilling update for you. A lot of you warned me to be on the lookout for him trying to take back the ring himself, which my family and friends were also worried about. I'm very blessed to come from a large family, so on Monday afternoon a few of my male cousins/second cousins/concerned family friends (and their firearms) came to my apartment to "keep [me] company". My female cousins didn't want to be left out, so they came, too (several of them also toting firearms). Through a garbled family phone tree, one of my uncles completely misconstrued the purpose of the "family gathering at ringthrowaway1010's house", and arrived bearing a case of liquor and a massive Publix sheet cake. My grandfather eventually showed up with his banjo and some beautiful pictures of my grandmother wearing the ring in question.

As you can imagine, this turned into one of our better parties, and "ringthrowaway 1010's congratulations on not marrying an rear end in a top hat party" will live on in family lore.

Since my original post I've gotten a lot of extremely nice messages and calls from my ex's family, all of whom are currently not speaking to him. (His brother called me the day after the Table Incident to ask what happened, and I told him the truth, which I can only assume was passed around.) His dad assured me that my ex won't be trying to sue me for the ring, and told me that if I ever hear from my ex again, I should call his dad and he will "bring the pain". He also sent me a gift card for several hundred dollars to Home Depot, in case I ever want to "make a better table for a better man". Hopefully, that will be the last thing about this breakup that makes me cry.

I also got an STI screening, which turned out negative. My gyno said that everything looked "perfect, absolutely pristine". So I may not be getting married in three months, but at least I have pristine genitalia.

Tl;dr: Family came to keep me safe in case ex came back for ring, devolved into raucous family party complete with cake and grandpa on banjo. Ex is experiencing full-on Amish shunning from his family, his dad bought me a gift card to HoDep for future carpentry endeavors. Not only am I STI-free, my vagina is "pristine".

Kay Kessler posted:

Who was that infamous fat-activist that claimed that they could run a mile in a ridiculously short time (a minute, mayber?) ?

subpar anachronism posted:

tacodaemon posted:

kimbo305 posted:

My regular sitting next to her drat near spit her coffee out! :-))))) It was so peaceful after that exchange! \U0001f602\U0001f602\U0001f602\U0001f602

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2LTL8KgKv8

quote:

“No, I mean, but don’t you agree that white patriarchy makes it practically impossible for at-risk youth to succeed in our country?” she asks hopefully.

“At-risk youth … ?” I start quietly. “You mean … black people?”

She flinches a bit. “You don’t think the odds are stacked against minorities in this country?” she offers quietly.

“Of course … ” I say slowly. “But I just think it’s more constructive to focus on the positive things the black community has at its disposal rather than perpetuate a compounding victim narrative that makes a group of people think they’re doomed before they even try to achieve success.”

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

Seriously, that urban legend drives me bonkers, along with "X building was built for Y nefarious purpose" and "she gave the entire football team oral sex and had to have her stomach pumped"

chitoryu12 posted:

To start, this post will be useless to most of you. If you are an attractive male, then this isn't for you.

Khazar-khum posted:

still savours the memory fifteen years later.

oldpainless posted:

If you don't pretend to believe other peoples bullshit on the internet, then they are not going to believe yours.

Ytlaya posted:

It seems like the "I knew black people with ridiculous names" people are especially common among health care workers. My dad (x-ray tech) and all the nurses he works with mentioned such things on countless occasions. Like you said, he would get extremely defensive and offended if I mentioned that some of the stuff he said is a common urban legend.

The problem is that many people are heavily invested in the stories they tell as part of their identity. By questioning one of their anecdotes, it's like you're denying their very being.To play armchair psychologist, I think it might actually be related to insecurity in some way; like, these people are so desperate to have their stories validated that they find it genuinely hurtful if you're skeptical.

Antivehicular posted:

I think that one's an old chestnut from a mid-century medical biography. Regardless, I've never understood how anyone could find it plausible. How could you possibly accidentally penetrate the urethra even once, let alone for 40 years straight without somehow stumbling on the vaginal opening? Are we supposed to imagine the mythical Great Wall of Imperforate Hymen here, somehow unbreachable even by the steel-hard nightmare dong that could gently caress a urethra?

Christ, the paragraphs I find myself writing on SA.

Thin Privilege posted:

I read some book in high school Spanish class that said something like, women in ye olden Spain who weren't virgins would take a pin and poke themselves in the vagina to bleed on their wedding night because to prove they were virgins the white bedsheets had to have blood on them, and they would hang these bloody bedsheets outside the window the day after the wedding. I have no idea whether this is true or not, but it sounds weird

quote:

Jurassic Farce
FLORIDA, USA

Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”

Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”

Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”

Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”

Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”

Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”

Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

(I go into the back room for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)

Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”

Customer: “OH NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*

(I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)

Stroop There It Is posted:

Also that was definitely written by a dude with zero understanding of what women are expected to do to "get ready" daily, let alone for a special occasion

Fathis Munk posted:

Oh man who was that (fake) girl that was also a turtle (?) and then her black boyfriend came to live with her and only spent time with her mom?

quote:

Jenn here.
Some things that happened today:

1. Made ramen with edamame, bok choy, and fried tofu.

2. Was so good that I made another bowl of it immediately after finishing the first bowl.

3. Put half a jar of peanut butter with chocolate chips in glass for dessert.

4. Mom saw me eating it. She asked how much peanut butter I used and I told her.

5. She got angry and told me I might as well eat the rest of the peanut butter in the jar since I “obviously want to die young from a heart attack.”

6. I opened up the fridge and got out the jar of peanut butter intending to eat it since she said I could.

7. She got even angrier and told me she was just being sarcastic and asked me how stupid I was. She then picked up my dessert glass and threw it onto the floor.

8. She grabbed a bottle of wine and stormed out of the kitchen. I called her a fatphobic, transfatphobic, body shaming, alcoholic bully.

9. I cleaned up the mess of peanut butter, chocolate, and broken glass. As I was doing so, I suddenly had some vivid memories of my past life as a tortoise. I think they were triggered by the Japanese food I had eaten. I recalled the family I had lived with. I was able to see their faces and hear them speaking this time. They were Japanese. They had a son who looked like he was about five or six. He put a lettuce leaf in front of me.

This could explain why I have been questioning my ethnicity and why I have been feeling like I might actually be Japanese. It’s because in a past life I was a Japanese tortoise! Now that I know the reason why I have felt like I may be transethnic, I am not sure if I should stop questioning my ethnicity and just identify as cisethnic or continue questioning my ethnicity as well as begin exploring the possibility that I may be tortoisekin. I really wish Algoral were here to guide me in the right direction.

Elblanco posted:

looking at the pictures in the link I can see why they were asked to leave. They honestly look like they're cosplaying or something. The dude's suit looks loving stupid and unprofessional as well.

quote:

Ok well… This wasn’t in high school.. and nor was it a teacher. But close to one.

I was in 6th grade when I did this. And I was the only one who stood up to that mean old lady that no one could ever stand up to. Now, I wasn’t the jock of the school, but she really angered me that day and I thought why not give her a taste of my medicine. Again, I wasn’t the jock, but if you did something I didn’t like, you’d best bet I’d be coming back and stinging you like you wish you hadn’t done anything (It’s a thing I have. I normally don’t publicize it. But this day was the best day of my entire middle school years because I did and nobody dared mess with me ever again) Now, I do realize that this might have gone on my file that they see. But I’m not ashamed ONE SINGLE BIT! I’m quite proud actually. And I started bragging it all to my mom.. I did get in trouble by my mom but I was totally ok with it. As long as I got what I needed to do. Ok let me stop talking and get to the story already

It was Monday and we had an assignment due for science and I was screwed cause I didn’t do it. Cause I’m lazy sometimes like that. Now we were outside for recess and they blew the whistle for us to go inside and eat. So I went. Did the usual. Got school lunch (I got pb&j and chocolate milk. Don’t ask. I have really good memory of things but it’s hard to explain) then I sat and started doing my homework (that would have only taken me 5 minutes in reality) but I wasn’t really hungry so I didn’t eat anything. The old lady (lets call her Vanessa) comes over and finds me doing my homework. Now it’s been long so I don’t remember every single little detail but it went something a bit like this..

Vanessa: “Put your homework away. It’s lunch time.”

Me: “Excuse me, but I didn’t ask for your consent on what I should do”

Vanessa: Shouting “PUT YOUR HOMEWORK AWAY THIS INSTANT!”

now at this point the whole cafeteria was looking at me and her. Now what’s coming up soon I have to explain before I finish. So my mom always told me, if you’re not doing anything wrong and a teacher threatens to bring the principal, don’t be scared. Say “If you bring the principal, I will bring my parents along with the police” (something along those lines. Again, it’s been long)

Me: calm “I’m sorry, but are you my parent? Can you tell me what to do? I don’t think so. So please leave me alone and I will go back to minding my own business” continues to do homework

Vanessa: Still shouting “I WILL BRING THE PRINCIPAL IN HERE AND I WILL HAVE YOU EXPELLED!”

Inside I was scared. But I couldn’t show that ONE SINGLE BIT! And I didn’t. I can not surrender to what she has already done. Which is invading my privacy when I did nothing to her. I can never show my weak side. Never. It’s a rule of thumb for me.

Me: On my edge trying to keep calm but ended up yelling “BRING THE PRINCIPAL IN HERE! I’D LIKE TO SEE WHAT SHE’D DO TO ME! AND IF I DO GET EXPELLED AT LEAST IT’LL BE BETTER THAN SEEING YOUR UGLY NASTY FACE YELLING AT ME LIKE THIS! Oh and by the way, if you bring the principal, I will get the police AND MESS UP YOUR ENTIRE loving FAMILY!”

Vanessa: calmly “Come with me”

and I went. I shouldn’t have. I should have said, “I won’t listen to an ignorant woman like you”

She put me in a small room and said “Do your work in here”

and ever since then, no one bothered mess with me again.

Ytlaya posted:

While reading that something about the writing style/content made me think the writer was a girl, and it turns out I was right. Does anyone know why that might be? I can't point to anything specific that made me think that way, but something about the content and way it was written strongly gave me that impression (and this has also been the case with other random internet writing, usually stdh type stuff). Maybe it's sort of like how certain handwriting looks like it was written by a woman, but applied to overall writing style and content.

hogmartin posted:

Kind of plausible? When you work at CompUSA in high school and swing by Meijer after work, about once a week someone's going to see red polo shirt and khakis and ask you where something is. I always just said "I don't work here", though.

Non Serviam posted:

The way I read it, she was a pedestrian.

Khazar-khum posted:

This troper has in past resorted to teaching females nerdy pursuits, introducing them to his tastes in (extremely loud heavy metal) music, and so forth. A Crowning Moment Of Awesome of this was teaching binary to a chatroom full of girls using a seldom-used function of an IM program and it actually sticking

quote:

Richard Muller, Prof Physics, UCBerkeley, author "Now-The Physics of Time" (Norton, 2016)
Updated Jul 3

I got a message saying “I wouldn't drive tomorrow morning...lest you be blown to bits.” It had been sent the previous day, but I was reading it in the morning. Just as I got that message, I heard my wife starting the car outside. It did not blow up.

It was an email threat, the third email I had received from that person. The Berkeley Police politely looked at it, and told me there was no way to trace it. So I asked my class if there were any hackers who might do better. (At that time I was teaching the class for physics majors and engineers.) After class, about six students came up to help. Indeed, they were able to trace the email, and I got the name of a registered student. I gave it to the police; they went to his apartment, he confessed, and he was arrested.

quote:

I asked to meet with him, and against the strong advice of the police I did. I spoke to him, and learned that he did it because he thought I might be “vulnerable” (actually, because of my novel about Jesus!). He seemed to feel lost in the world, and doing things like that made him feel that he had some power over others.

I asked him whom else he had threatened (remarkably, the police had not done that!), and he named another student, and then added, “and President Clinton.” So I told the police, and they contacted the other student, and the US Secret Service. The Secret Service came to investigate, and the perpetrator will be watched by them for the rest of his life. I did not press charges, and he did not go to prison.

quote:

The incident happened in December 1996. I just dug out the old messages. It turns out that the worst threat was made by email. His “explanation” for the threat was my novel The Sins of Jesus (now available on Amazon Kindle).

Alaois posted:

there's a difference between "I don't follow sports" and "I don't FOLLOW sports. "

Fart.Bleed.Repeat. posted:

sure, exposure to pigs kills black people every day, so it must be genetic, or something?

sweeperbravo posted:

"I look like the sort of girl Robert Crumb would draw, and that's not too bad."

Blurred posted:

Serious question: does knowledge of these disciplines really transfer into the ability to defend oneself properly in an actual fight situation? I know it's a common stdh trope to have a 5'2" /110lb dude beat off a bunch of bullies with his highly cultivated kung fu skills, but is there any truth to that at all? I mean, if you're a krav maga guru then you can probably handle yourself just fine, but is there any evidence the knowledge gained in these courses actually translates into a real ability to defend yourself in a spontaneous fight situation?

e_angst posted:

Seriously. The majority of real fights look something like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jepe68XC6tU.

WrenP-Complete posted:

Maybe someday I'll learn my lesson.

Fathis Munk posted:

Relevant video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75sWALt2IzI

Waci posted:

Yes, some times words from a language look like other words from the same or related languages. I cant believe realising this is poo poo that never happened to you.