shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Bonapartisan posted:

Reminds me of the guy who tried the glasses for the color blind and I think he cried over the color purple.

Found it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBbCsNS8nco But there are a lot of videos of people wearing these for the first time. Its adorable.

Thanks for posting this. My husband and I might try to get his father a pair. :3:

Some NAR.

Making A Hug(e) Difference posted:

(I�m having a very bad day, having dealt with a series of unpleasant customers. I have a half-hearted smile on my face, when a six year old boy walks in. He stares at me for a second, then gives me a hug.)

Me: �Thanks, but where is your mommy?�

Boy: �She�ll be here soon.�

Me: �She might not want you hugging random strangers.�

(He shakes his head.)

Boy: �Mommy says retail people need more hugs. You looked like you needed one.�

# ¿ Apr 16, 2016 19:44

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# ¿ May 4, 2024 03:48

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

I can't check the link to be certain because I lack archives, but some goon said this was the original HypeTelecon thread.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2769640

According to them, HypeTelecon did not post any follow-up in it though.

# ¿ Apr 19, 2016 15:26

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Fathis Munk posted:

Isn't that one a super old fplus episode tho?

Yeah, it's episode 60.

# ¿ Jun 3, 2016 17:56

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Eid mubarak, ibntumart! Thanks to you, I learned some stuff about Ramadan. (I think it's cool that there are a bunch of reasonable exceptions for the fast.)

In celebration, have this lengthy NAR post! Truly a feast for the eyes of terrible customer service.

The Final One Word On The Matter posted:

(My boss is wonderful. As a result of far too many stories like the ones on this site, he directs his staff to use one word responses when a customer gets unreasonable, and to hit the �panic� button � a monitor that pipes the conversation through to him. Conversations like this still happen, but at least it�s all handled.)

Customer: �This is ridiculous! I had to wait in line for 15 minutes! Why couldn�t you serve me earlier?�

Me: *hit the button* �Sorry, sir. There were other people in front of you. How can I help you?�

Customer: �Give me a [Product], and I want a 20% discount!�

Me: �Sorry, sir, I can�t do that, and there is no reason to; this is normal business. Waiting in line is an everyday matter.�

Customer: �Yes, you can. Give it to me or I�ll have your job!�

Me: *going into DefCon mode* �Can�t.�

(This is where my boss�s one-word strategy works so well. Irate customers can easily ignore a sentence, but it�s hard to mis-hear a single word.)

Customer: �Can�t? Of course you can! What do you mean, can�t?�

Me: �Can�t.�

Customer: �Why not?�

Me: �Orders.�

Customer: �Whose orders?�

Me: �Boss.�

Customer: �Well, get me your boss then!�

Me: �Okay.�

(My boss comes out.)

Customer: �This employee was being extremely rude to me! I demand my purchase for free, or at least with a big discount!�

Boss: �No.�

Customer: �No? What do you mean, no? She was being rude!�

Boss: �Not rude.� *okay, sometimes you have to use two words*

Customer: �Yes, she was!�

Boss: *points to monitor* �Monitor.�

Customer: �What?�

Boss: �Heard you.�

Customer: �So?�

Boss: �Not rude. No discount.�

Customer: �The customer is always right! Why not?�

(Once we get to this point, my boss has a standard spiel.)

Boss: �Five good reasons.�

Customer: �Huh?�

Boss: �Five good reasons why you�re not getting a discount.�

Customer: �What? What are they?�

Boss: �One: I don�t have to. Two: I don�t want to. Three: There�s no reason I should. Four: You can�t make me. Five: I�m not going to.�

Customer: �I�m never coming here again!�

Boss: �You should have said that before. If you�d have said that if I gave you a discount, you would promise to never come back, I might have given it to you.�

(The customer left. Case closed.)

"Give me a [Product]!" :argh:

# ¿ Jul 6, 2016 17:54

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

quote:

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

# ¿ Aug 10, 2016 02:25

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Trebek posted:

This one?

The long version of the story ends with every single other student in the country being marked wrong. :argh:

# ¿ Nov 1, 2016 15:55

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

It's jerkbag!

quote:

The Odds Of Her Believing Are Ever In Your Favor
LIBRARY | MD, USA | BOOKS & READING, FAMILY & KIDS, THEME OF THE MONTH
(I overhear the following conversation between a boy who is about 12, and his grandmother.)

Grandmother: �What are you reading there?�

Boy: �The Hunger Games.�

Grandmother: �What�s that about?�

Boy: �Don�t worry Grandma. It�s about these kids who enter a Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament, and the winner wins a bag of candy!�

Grandmother: �Oh. That sounds nice!�

# ¿ Nov 6, 2016 20:52

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Khazar-khum posted:

Why are people buying coffee for children? Do they hate their families and friends?

They also serve hot chocolate and tea, so they could have been getting one of those. :shrug:

# ¿ Nov 20, 2016 14:07

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Garrand posted:

So is that like a picture of a monitor with that on the screen or did someone just shop the original to try and make it look like a lovely phone pick and less photoshopped? Also it being rotated slightly.

The poster is from a Cracked Photoshop contest to create counterproductive PSAs. Someone took the original and further shopped it for the reasons you mentioned.

# ¿ Dec 27, 2016 22:03

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

quote:

� My yearbook photo was a picture of some random baby off of Google I photoshopped my 17 year-old self�s head onto. It made it in.
� Slipped a video titled �hot busty lesbian porn� into the personal folders of everyone in my computer class, which after they all crowded around to see what it was, turned out to be the video for Never Gonna Give You Up (it was 2007, so not yet a worn out joke). Thanks to them (like idiots) deciding to swarm a computer with sound, the computer lab filled up with cheesy �80s pop and the sound of me laughing so hard I ended up on the floor clutching my stomach.
� Figured out that the school board internet filters blocked based on words and URLs, so I bypassed them simply by pinging their IP addresses, giving me free reign to Youtube and wherever else I felt like going to. I abused this power, and the fact I luckily had one of the computers with built-in speakers, to blast copious amounts of death metal all class.
� Formed an air band called Minotaur Lizards whose career peak was �playing� a montage of classic rock songs during a school presentation.
� Acted out the mock trial that made up the final for our senior year Law class as head prosecutor, wearing no shirt, no socks, a Dead Kennedys t-shirt, and shorts. Somehow got 10/10 for �appropriateness of dress� by being so utterly wrong that the teacher considered me to have looped back around.
� Made sure that the yearbook contained the words �Harry Potter erotica�, and nobody realized until it had already gone to print.
� Did accounting for some of the pot dealers in my year and ended up taking a good cash bonus home after my suggested �baked sale� hit it big.
� Managed to get out of gym class the last two years on the promise to teachers that if I kept a friend, who was in a wheelchair and one of the above-mentioned dealers, occupied and out of trouble, I could skimp on doing class for non-test days and eke out a 75%.
� Turned in so many bullshit essays and �I was bored on this vocabulary test so I write it all in haiku� results that teachers would be disappointed if I turned in �normal effort� work.
� Found out someone I really disliked hated my laugh, and dialed up how totally hilarious I found Cool Runnings so much that my laughter got him into a hissy fit that ended with his suspension.
� Figured out the school�s weak exits where one could slip through without being noticed, and began selling this information to people once our school cut its truancy officer for budget reasons.
� Managed to send through enough filthily-worded Valentine�s Day candygrams with the help of a friend on the inside that there were no candygrams the next year.
� Did most of my work for my last year on a single piece of paper I�d just fold up and stick back in my pocket out of general laziness and my lack of need for notes. Math teacher kept poking fun at it, which led to an escalating war of attrition that ended when I handed in a test written on a corn tortilla.
� Was voted Most Unique in what is most certainly the last flattering time that award was given in the school�s history.

# ¿ Dec 28, 2016 16:32

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Fathis Munk posted:

"shirt" as in dress shirt or however you wanna call them. It's not that hard to figure out.

Given that it was right next to socks, I thought he had meant shoes that first time.

# ¿ Dec 29, 2016 18:11

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

TheKennedys posted:

That doesn't even look like the same dog

or is that

It's the same dog. The photo is washed out, and her ears are perked up.

# ¿ Apr 17, 2017 23:18

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Eating a lemon causes some people to make a puckery face, but you have to taste it, which you can't do if you're just swallowing it.

So it's a real turn of phrase, but the writer got it wrong.

edit: articulated what I meant really badly

Nyarai has a new favorite as of 13:34 on Jul 16, 2017

# ¿ Jul 16, 2017 03:27

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

# ¿ Jul 16, 2017 13:34

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Ratjaculation posted:

Does anyone have that lady who was adamant she was running at olympic speed because she was pent up?

# ¿ Nov 11, 2017 20:30

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# ¿ May 4, 2024 03:48

Nyarai: Jul 19, 2012; Jenn here.

Here's Eduardo Sanchez's answer, which was a riff on the throat-crushing OP.

# ¿ Jun 20, 2018 00:36

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.