shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

# ¿ Jul 30, 2016 12:01

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 14:38

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Also what point is it trying to make? Music connects people and this is generally agreed to be a fact, and has been generally agreed to be a fact for pretty much the entire history of humanity as a species. Like I'm sure in the dawn of pre-humanity there was another ape saying "this """music""" invention sucks and I hate it < :mad:

>" (Plato loving hated the spreading use of writing after all) but it's 2016 and I'm pretty sure we generally agree that music cements social bonds and makes it easier to learn language (and pretty much everything else).

# ¿ Aug 1, 2016 01:21

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

FuckenPunchOn posted:

People on facebook believe that this happened.

He probably believes it actually happened too

# ¿ Aug 8, 2016 12:05

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

This troper likes all music, except for country and rap :smug:

# ¿ Aug 9, 2016 08:33

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

ElGroucho posted:

Can you imagine how insufferable such a person would be?

There was a time I would be overjoyed to be compared to a Sandman character. Now I would consider it a mortal insult. I like to think that means I have grown as a human being.

# ¿ Aug 10, 2016 05:59

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

kimcicle posted:

Caught up with an old acquaintance and he added me on facebook. He's the epitome of shit_that_didnt_happen.

I'd block him but this stuff is too funny to read.

I argued with someone until they stopped talking to me. I'm going to chalk this one up as a win.

# ¿ Aug 12, 2016 09:01

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Your stdh.txt is meant to make you look cool, not like more of a creepy loser.

# ¿ Aug 18, 2016 04:52

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I've had friends who assumed that all their clothes were made entirely by robots, not by miserable workers in a sweat shop in Bangladesh. I've also had housemates confused that I would repair torn hems and torn-off buttons on shirts instead of buying a new one. The idea that sometimes people will make a whole outfit out of lengths of fabric, for fun, really is beyond some people's imagining. Especially if they've led a very sheltered life up to that point.

# ¿ Aug 19, 2016 12:00

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I yelled at a cafeteria worker (????) and I got put in time out :smug:

Take THAT you old bag!

# ¿ Aug 23, 2016 05:41

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Khazar-khum posted:

Home Economics--sewing & cooking--were only available as electives in middle school. With all the ridiculous emphasis given to testing, STEM, and whatnot, that's gone away.

Also, what kind of hellhole requires you to buy a license for a gotdamned sewing machine?

I imagine it's like getting a "pen licence" in primary/middle school.

Every school I've been to in Aus has had home ec as mandatory for at least one semester during middle school. The cooking part often gets included in phys ed classes as well. Unless you take it as an elective afterwards it never really extends beyond "here's how you make pikelets" or "here's how you sew a pillowcase" though. I still have my apron that I made out of a fabric featuring a selection of poisonous mushrooms. My key holder from design tech got eaten by termites :negative:

# ¿ Aug 23, 2016 08:31

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Khazar-khum posted:

It isn't hard to learn. Most fabric stores have lessons. I didn't learn until after I got married, when Mr Khazar taught me.

Just sewing by hand with a needle and thread is enough for regular day-to-day repairs, and a literal preschooler can learn to do that with no problem. While you can do actual alterations and even making clothes by hand, it's pretty necessary to learn how to use a sewing machine if you at all value your time. It can be intimidating at first as there are lots of moving parts and you can easily sew over your finger if you're not paying attention, but yeah, it's a very useful skill to have. I took up a bunch of hems on my new work trousers just with a needle and thread (even short-length pants are too long on me :saddowns:

) and it was devastatingly boring.

The price of fabric has increased and the price of clothes has decreased to the point where making your own clothes isn't really worth it, sadly, unless it's for very specific niche purposes (ren faire poo poo) or you have a very weird body. Or if you're the kind of person who MUST have a sundress made out of chicken-print tea towel fabric.

# ¿ Aug 23, 2016 09:08

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

sweeperbravo posted:

Reading that is like reading a really repetitive mad lib

Also I'm really content about not understanding what any of it is supposed ot mean

"I was looking at my favourite video game shipping tags. An old lady looked over my shoulder and was like "noice this is the kind of game MY GAY LATINO ~~SON~~ NEPHEW would like". I just smiled and nodded because I was too awkward to say that doesn't actually happen in game. In conclusion, gay porn on the internet has done more for the LGBTI rights movement than any legislation ever could. Please, keep making gay porn on the internet, so that we may all live in harmony, but also so that I may ~~wank~~ schlick."

# ¿ Aug 26, 2016 07:17

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

bringmyfishback posted:

STDH: Racism debate in the thread was super appropriate and interesting!

Basically.

A few places I've worked at have the policy that you have to change out of your uniform or cover up all logos etc when you're off your shift, because it's not infrequent for people to come off an eight-hour shift, go to Woolies to get groceries, be accosted by another customer asking where you keep the tinned beans, snap at them because you don't loving work here and this should be obvious - and then your manager gets an angry phone call from that customer telling them how rude their Coffee Club employee was to them, off shift and in Woolies.

# ¿ Aug 29, 2016 05:36

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Non Serviam posted:

Wait... People would approach someone who had a uniform of a different store?

Some people are so weird.

Like in the original, people just see a uniform or name tag and assume "Oh, they must work here". Even if the uniform is nothing like the one worn by the actual store employees. Usually when you tell them "Sorry, I don't work here" they get embarrassed and shuffle away, but some people will try to save face by doubling down and saying "Well you work in customer service anyway so you should be nice to me a customer and tell me where I find the loving beans" and chucking a hissy fit. That happens on NAR a lot more than it happens in real life though.

# ¿ Aug 29, 2016 05:56

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Elblanco posted:

This reads like he got stabbed and woke up in the hospital.

Yeah, he got beaten up and humiliated in front of everyone, but it's okay because ~~his mum~~ a hot busty Asian!!!!!! nurse totally kissed him better.

# ¿ Aug 30, 2016 04:11

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

walrusman posted:

"Stop exploiting bugs in our hastily-programmed training simulator with your mighty gamer nerd powers, and start playing the game as it's designed so you might actually learn something."

Winning is more important than learning :colbert:

# ¿ Aug 30, 2016 04:45

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Doubtful Guest posted:

This troper destroyed 20 embedded artillery positions but two were too hard so I had my friend destroy them.

The cheese stdh sounds like the wacky sitcom pitch from someone who's read too much Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams.

I know, it really [reason not put here because of legal stuff].

# ¿ Aug 30, 2016 07:26

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I'm sorry to disappoint you further, but Tropers definitely brag about "I'm totally a self-diagnosed psychopath/sociopath" and it's as awful as you'd expect.

# ¿ Aug 31, 2016 04:41

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

BrigadierSensible posted:

I can believe that guy is lowly paid. He can't even spell "Feminist".

I like how he's on minimum wage despite being best friends with the boss.

# ¿ Sep 7, 2016 06:39

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Murphy Brownback posted:

I know what they mean by context, but what the hell is a gruntle?

On the off chance it's true, why does he think sleeping at your post as a security guard is "stupid poo poo"? I mean, that's one of the only things you have to be able to do (stay awake) for that job. And really, how is leaving random trash around "revenge"?

Disgruntled means annoyed, so obviously if someone is annoyed with you they have lost their gruntle.

Can you ever be just "whelmed"?

# ¿ Sep 12, 2016 12:57

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Jerry Cotton posted:

Sure; for some reason the fortified version just got really popular.

it's a reference

# ¿ Sep 12, 2016 14:37

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I think that story may be made up.

# ¿ Sep 14, 2016 07:49

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

We ain't even have our food.

# ¿ Sep 14, 2016 12:29

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Man, I wonder why this guy has trouble finding girlfriends.

# ¿ Sep 15, 2016 08:15

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Murphy Brownback posted:

Adult wrestling fans are some of the weirder people out there. They are like tropers but instead of seeing real life through the lens of anime they see it through roided and greased up men pretending to fight each other.

Also why would he not expect to be fired after that? I thought during his ~pipe bomb~ he even says he's leaving? If you don't immediately file your resignation after saying something like that, no poo poo you're going to get fired. Even if he didn't get terminated he knew he'd have a "obnoxious manbaby who goes on awkward rants when he doesn't get his way" on his record, assuming he lives somewhere where employers are allowed to give negative references. No wonder the company doesn't send him out to be the public face of the company.

I have a feeling that if he gets an exit interview, he's going to be told in no uncertain terms that bullshit like this is exactly why he doesn't get the promotions or sweet ambassador gigs (where the main draw is you get to receive lots of food????) he feels he deserves. Also, if the corporation only promotes "nonsensical, douchebag, sociopathic people", why hasn't he got the job? :laugh:

Also,

Fathis Munk posted:

Social skills important in the workplace? Whaaaaaa..?!

e: also he is furiously Googling to find out whether being fired from his previous job will negatively impact his ability to find another job in the field? :psyduck:

I am beginning to see why he thought this was a good idea as he's clearly a few light bulbs short of a picnic.

# ¿ Sep 16, 2016 13:45

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Wait is that first guy saying he wants to gently caress corpses? Because that's what it sounds like. :magical:

# ¿ Sep 18, 2016 04:57

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I am more than capable of killing a human being and I totally would have done it already if it weren't for the fact I can't stop thinking about sticking my dick in a dead body

# ¿ Sep 18, 2016 05:09

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

On the one hand he was racist and had uncomfortable attitudes towards women, but on the other he encouraged children to mix everything they found in the bathroom medicine cabinet with everything in the garage and feed the resulting concoction to their grannies, and the grannies were probably even more racist, so

# ¿ Sep 23, 2016 05:33

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

also poem about cow growing wings and flying and using its newfound powers to poop on everyone

# ¿ Sep 23, 2016 05:35

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

LOVE LOVE SKELETON posted:

F squared. what kind of world is it where a troper needs to corrected on middle school math ""humor"". that's totally their loud insufferable wheelhouse.

Nah it's F cubed, "for" is an F. Fags For Fags, three Fs, F cubed. It's dumb as heck but they got that right.

# ¿ Oct 3, 2016 07:30

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Verisimilidude posted:

Aren't chickens usually kept in the same place as the eggs, ie the refrigerated section?

# ¿ Oct 7, 2016 04:30

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Manuel Calavera posted:

Chicken is with the beef, pork, and other meats. Eggs live with dairy, assuming this is an American grocery.

And both would be in the refrigerated section, right? And then shouldn't it be obvious where the meat section is because it's covered with big cuts of meat?

I should be used to people missing blindingly obvious context clues from work. The counter has a big sign saying "PLEASE PAY HERE BEFORE TAKING YOUR SEAT" (not verbatim), a big-rear end cash register and little Eftpos thing, and usually a line already formed, but people still try to order from the little bench where we put takeaway coffees. We are also always asked for directions to the Target (we are literally in front of it) and the nearest toilets (next to the Target with big RESTROOMS signs and arrows pointing the way, both at eye height and up high). I think people just turn their brains off when they decide to go shopping.

# ¿ Oct 7, 2016 05:24

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

cash crab posted:

My friend, what does it mean, this American word - holla holla get dolla?

# ¿ Oct 9, 2016 06:59

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Did you know that jocks can actually be good people and sometimes even smart as well? I know, I know, it sounds fake, but trust me on this.

Nerds! :argh:

# ¿ Oct 19, 2016 05:22

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

goose willis posted:

**The last sentence is what really makes it**

goose willis posted:

Actually, this could have happened - in the porno he torrented to tide him over the weekend. Also doesn't he look a bit too old to have a Maths teacher?

e: like at university/college you wouldn't refer to your "math" teacher, you'd refer to your linear algebra teacher or your intro to statistics teacher or whatever, right? I have never loving heard anyone over the age of 18 refer to their "math teacher"

e2: You know, I'm 90% sure there was a derail about this in the previous thread.

CROWS EVERYWHERE has a new favorite as of 11:00 on Oct 21, 2016

# ¿ Oct 21, 2016 10:55

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

bobjr posted:

I never get the "You never believe what people sneak into theaters!" lines if only because most people who work at movie theaters don't really give a poo poo about your wacky plan.

A lot of the stuff posted here isn't so much "poo poo that didn't happen" as "poo poo that did happen, but why are you bragging about it".

# ¿ Oct 23, 2016 06:47

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Every state school in Queensland that I know of had the Time Warp as one of the dances you learn in your godawful middle school PE classes. The rationale being because it's more cool than waltzing and line dancing.

I guess this explains all the teenage pregnancies.

# ¿ Nov 3, 2016 03:51

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I am pretty sure it's a lovely prank on the photographer's side as they obviously aren't actually working at the cinema cleaning it (the lights are generally on when you clean so you can, you know, see poo poo you're cleaning). If for some reason it's real and this is a lovely cinema that makes its employees clean in the dark to save on electricity bills, then yeah, the cucumbers are snuck in as a prank to gross out the employees. There are many easier ways to masturbate in a cinema that don't involve cucumbers. At least find like some discarded undies or something.

# ¿ Nov 11, 2016 06:11

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I bet you're all supertasters. Eat your loving vegetables.

# ¿ Nov 13, 2016 05:38

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 14:38

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Elysiume posted:

Pizza got ordered a couple of weeks ago at work for a meeting and I got to watch a grown man request a pizza with no vegetables.

Where is that clip from The IT Crowd where Roy is shocked to discover that you're meant to eat five serves of vegetables a day, not five serves a week?

# ¿ Nov 13, 2016 08:07

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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