Angriest Whopper, Angriest Asshole

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Angriest Whopper, Angriest Asshole

Aesop Poprock: Oct 21, 2008; Grimey Drawer

Linnear posted:

I ate one. It was just a regular burger. There's some muted spiciness somewhere in the bread, but I can't imagine even the most sheltered meat and potatoes muncher from middle america would find this hot.

In fact, all of burger king's hamburgers are pretty boring except for the regular whopper. A long time ago there was this indiana jones whopper and that was the last genuinely tasty new thing I can remember getting from bk.

Bks only everyday gimmick now is "the same sandwich served on a different bun" and it's kind of sad. They try so hard to get people to buy poo poo on that long original chicken sandwich bun

# ? Apr 25, 2016 15:35

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# ? May 3, 2024 14:30

FedEx Mercury: Jan 7, 2004; Me bad posting? That's unpossible!; Lipstick Apathy

How can you even taste the difference between fast food burgers? It's all the same. Culver's tastes a tiny bit different because they pour a cup of lard on the patty but that's about the only difference.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 15:45

Smash it Smash hit: Dec 30, 2009; prettay, prettay

fast food talk: whats up with all the burger companies doing like a 5 for 5$ or 4 for 4$ or 5 for 4$

i mean im a fan but whats up witht hat

# ? Apr 25, 2016 15:45

Aesop Poprock: Oct 21, 2008; Grimey Drawer

notZaar posted:

How can you even taste the difference between fast food burgers? It's all the same. Culver's tastes a tiny bit different because they pour a cup of lard on the patty but that's about the only difference.

Imo fast food burgers usually have a more distinct taste than most restaurant burgers since they all have (probably) a trademark chemical combo of flavors that are supposed to make them stand out. I remember reading something where a guy was at a smell scientist or whatever they're called lab and the guy had jars labeled McDonalds, Burger King etc with their trademark burger smells in them

# ? Apr 25, 2016 15:50

Pennywise the Frown: May 10, 2010; Upset Trowel

Aesop Poprock posted:

Imo fast food burgers usually have a more distinct taste than most restaurant burgers since they all have (probably) a trademark chemical combo of flavors that are supposed to make them stand out. I remember reading something where a guy was at a smell scientist or whatever they're called lab and the guy had jars labeled McDonalds, Burger King etc with their trademark burger smells in them

This is very true. They have like, scientists, not chefs (don't quote me on this) that try to find the disticntively perfect combo of poo poo to make you crave it. All are different.

Get a burger at Applebee's, Chili's, Outback, TGI Fridays, Texas Roadhouse, Red Robin, etc, etc, etc. Their burgers are all the same. Some have a little gimmick, but there are very few noticeable differences in taste.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 16:45

Instruction Manuel: May 15, 2007; Yes, it is what it looks like!

Aesop Poprock posted:

Imo fast food burgers usually have a more distinct taste than most restaurant burgers since they all have (probably) a trademark chemical combo of flavors that are supposed to make them stand out. I remember reading something where a guy was at a smell scientist or whatever they're called lab and the guy had jars labeled McDonalds, Burger King etc with their trademark burger smells in them

So is there a smell scientist for farts as well? Perhaps they are engineering a way for people to fart out these fast food smells so others will crave the same thing the farter ate.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 17:43

je1 healthcare: Sep 29, 2015

Smash it Smash hit posted:

fast food talk: whats up with all the burger companies doing like a 5 for 5$ or 4 for 4$ or 5 for 4$

i mean im a fan but whats up witht hat

It's called a price threshold. $5 footlongs was a huge hit for Subway along with dollar menus. Also regular menu combo meals used to average like $5 a decade or so ago prior to inflation.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 18:16

Quote-Unquote: Oct 22, 2002

Wamdoodle posted:

So is there a smell scientist for farts as well? Perhaps they are engineering a way for people to fart out these fast food smells so others will crave the same thing the farter ate.

lol fart scientist is a real thing but it turns out they've cured cancer so in your face all other scientists!

http://www.sunnyskyz.com/good-news/757/Scientists-Say-Smelling-Farts-Prevents-Cancer

# ? Apr 25, 2016 18:19

FedEx Mercury: Jan 7, 2004; Me bad posting? That's unpossible!; Lipstick Apathy

Wamdoodle posted:

So is there a smell scientist for farts as well? Perhaps they are engineering a way for people to fart out these fast food smells so others will crave the same thing the farter ate.

Trying to engineer a fart smell is probably like trying to predict the weather next year.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 18:19

a star war betamax: Sep 17, 2011; by Lowtax; Gary’s Answer

OctoberBlues posted:

PICTURES

Look at these motherfuckers on Colfax Ave, think they can charge me 30 cents more per sandwich than the advertised price. gently caress YOU Burger King. Although the guy behind the counter was nice enough to cover the extra one cent because all I had was a 5 and it would have been pretty annoying to have to break that for one cent.

Here they are in all of their glory, four delicious Angriest Whoppers!

Here I pulled out this dirty old school kitchen scale I found, it appears that these are close to three pounds of food. The bag was... heavy.

That's a good looking burger! Errr, something like that. And oh, I forgot! The idiots used regular pickles instead of pickled jalapenos. Quality control, as always, is top notch at Burger King.

Say hello to me and my unkempt beard. It's burger #1!

Nothing like the first bite of a Burger King Whopper

#1 went down super easy and I was looking forward to burger #2 actually.

This, I believe is the moment when I realized that I had made a terrible mistake and still had 2 1/2 of these loving things to go.

Burger #3. My hands are starting to become covered in the angry sauce. Which, let's talk about that for a second. None of this was angry. Yes, I was missing jalapenos, but the angry onions, angry sauce, and angry bun weren't hot at all. gently caress, for all I know this idiotic Burger King gave me regular deep fried onions and regular sauce, but the bun I know was angry! Yet other than the color, there was no proof of this.

I am almost done with burger #3. My hands are covered in angry sauce and this has quickly gone from "I'm starting to feel very full" to "I wonder if I should have put a garbage can next to me?"

Gotta drink some water because these are salty as gently caress. But mustn't drink too much water because there is precious little space left in my poor stomach.

Burger #4. You can probably tell just from the angle of my head that I am in pain. Part of me wanted to just give up and save this for when I didn't feel like I was going to die, but I promised the internet I would do this, so I soldiered on. Like a dumb, loving moron, piece of poo poo.

One bite to go! If my celebration looks a little muted, it's because I thought I might throw up if I moved much more than that...

You have been defeated Angriest Whoppers!

No after pics of me, but I've just been sitting in a chair since I finished these, feeling generally ill. I probably should have just rid myself of those burgers immediately after eating them, but that seemed against the spirit of the challenge. Vim Fuego paid $25 for me to suffer, so goddammit here I am, suffering.

Final thoughts on the burger - it's not bad I guess, at least for a Burger King burger. It's way too expensive at almost $6 per, but I guess just the one was pretty filling, so maybe it's not too outrageous. I would highly recommend against eating four though. Yeah...

Nice job covering up your face wouldnt want your enemies discovering your secrete identity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

# ? Apr 25, 2016 18:49

Smash it Smash hit: Dec 30, 2009; prettay, prettay

yah its 2016 when are we going to drop the whole "dont show my face on the internet" facade?

# ? Apr 25, 2016 18:50

Nolan Arenado: May 8, 2009

Smash it Smash hit posted:

yah its 2016 when are we going to drop the whole "dont show my face on the internet" facade?

When goons stop being creepy weirdos, so probably never I guess.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 18:55

Smash it Smash hit: Dec 30, 2009; prettay, prettay

i believe in you

# ? Apr 25, 2016 18:56

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

Smash it Smash hit posted:

yah its 2016 when are we going to drop the whole "dont show my face on the internet" facade?

There are literally several offsite forums that scour threads for personal information so they can invest way too much time in uncovering mundane details of the lives of people they don't like so it kind of makes sense.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 19:01

Smash it Smash hit: Dec 30, 2009; prettay, prettay

ArbitraryC posted:

There are literally several offsite forums that scour threads for personal information so they can invest way too much time in uncovering mundane details of the lives of people they don't like so it kind of makes sense.

oh word? octoberblues is a pretty milktoast poster i feel like he is safe. yep

# ? Apr 25, 2016 19:08

Instruction Manuel: May 15, 2007; Yes, it is what it looks like!

Quote-Unquote posted:

lol fart scientist is a real thing but it turns out they've cured cancer so in your face all other scientists!

http://www.sunnyskyz.com/good-news/757/Scientists-Say-Smelling-Farts-Prevents-Cancer

I want my business cards to say "Fart Scientist" maybe even "Head Fart Scientist"

# ? Apr 25, 2016 19:22

Nolan Arenado: May 8, 2009

Oh man, my stomach is loving purging itself right now. I can usually handle crap food, so I think it must be the massive amount of food coloring rather than the food itself, but really bad, terrible things are happening.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 19:25

Instruction Manuel: May 15, 2007; Yes, it is what it looks like!

OctoberBlues posted:

Oh man, my stomach is loving purging itself right now. I can usually handle crap food, so I think it must be the massive amount of food coloring rather than the food itself, but really bad, terrible things are happening.

Be sure to give full details of any discoloration. No photo proof though. That's just gross.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 20:25

Nolan Arenado: May 8, 2009

Wamdoodle posted:

Be sure to give full details of any discoloration. No photo proof though. That's just gross.

Well Wamdoodle, I've been pissing red liquid out my rear end all day long.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 20:43

Ibogaine: Aug 11, 2015

OctoberBlues posted:

Well Wamdoodle, I've been pissing red liquid out my rear end all day long.

And yet you did so that the rest of don't have to. You did good.

# ? Apr 25, 2016 20:50

Instruction Manuel: May 15, 2007; Yes, it is what it looks like!

OctoberBlues posted:

Well Wamdoodle, I've been pissing red liquid out my rear end all day long.

Noice!

# ? Apr 25, 2016 21:24

numberoneposter: Feb 19, 2014; How much do I cum? The answer might surprise you!

kinda wish my city had a freakin taco bell

but we dont

wtf

# ? Apr 25, 2016 21:37

Chinatown: Sep 11, 2001; by Fluffdaddy; Fun Shoe

numberoneposter posted:

kinda wish my city had a freakin taco bell

but we dont

wtf

haha this is cute as hell

you think you live in a city

# ? Apr 25, 2016 21:44

numberoneposter: Feb 19, 2014; How much do I cum? The answer might surprise you!

Chinatown posted:

haha this is cute as hell

you think you live in a city

i would trade one of our dozen mcdonalds for a taco bell

# ? Apr 25, 2016 21:51

barnold: Dec 16, 2011; what do u do when yuo're born to play fps? guess there's nothing left to do but play fps. boom headshot

i ate one of these at the mall the other day and didn't have any anal problems on the exit. pussy rear end digestive systems ITT

also the new Wendy's jalapeno burger is loving delicious and three times spicier than this whopper

# ? Apr 25, 2016 21:55

Nolan Arenado: May 8, 2009

Turdsdown Tom posted:

i ate one of these at the mall the other day and didn't have any anal problems on the exit. pussy rear end digestive systems ITT

also the new Wendy's jalapeno burger is loving delicious and three times spicier than this whopper

How about you eat four and check back with me tough guy. :colbert:

# ? Apr 25, 2016 22:05

barnold: Dec 16, 2011; what do u do when yuo're born to play fps? guess there's nothing left to do but play fps. boom headshot

OctoberBlues posted:

How about you eat four and check back with me tough guy.

i will, and when i do it will look like this

# ? Apr 25, 2016 22:07

Nolan Arenado: May 8, 2009

Turdsdown Tom posted:

i will, and when i do it will look like this

Well, probably more like this:

# ? Apr 25, 2016 22:19

Vim Fuego: Jun 1, 2000; I LITERALLY SLEEP IN A RACING CAR. DO YOU?
p.s. ask me about my subscription mattress; Ultra Carp

Hahaha, well done.

# ? Apr 26, 2016 02:51

Vim Fuego: Jun 1, 2000; I LITERALLY SLEEP IN A RACING CAR. DO YOU?
p.s. ask me about my subscription mattress; Ultra Carp

Ibogaine posted:

And yet you did so that the rest of don't have to. You did good.

# ? Apr 26, 2016 02:58

SIDS Vicious: Jan 1, 1970

My girlfriend got the jalapeño fresco chicken thing from Wendy's with ghost pepper sauce and I tried a bite and it's pretty dang spicy for fast food would recommend for actual angry rear end in a top hat

# ? Apr 26, 2016 02:59

Other Barry: Jun 5, 2012; Dinosaur Gum

deep fried flour tortilla is honestly kind of nasty so i don't like chalupas or chimichangas or quesalupas or whatever

# ? Apr 26, 2016 03:20

King Vidiot: Feb 17, 2007; You think you can take me at Satan's Hollow? Go 'head on!

Pennywise the Frown posted:

This is very true. They have like, scientists, not chefs (don't quote me on this) that try to find the disticntively perfect combo of poo poo to make you crave it. All are different.

I always thought Dairy Queen's burgers tasted the most like actual hamburgers, as in the kind of burgers you'd make at home from ground beef grilled on your own grill. They're still garbage loaded with corn syrup and chemicals but at least they taste like real food.

# ? Apr 26, 2016 03:48

A Loud Fart: Sep 9, 2011

OctoberBlues posted:

PICTURES

Look at these motherfuckers on Colfax Ave, think they can charge me 30 cents more per sandwich than the advertised price. gently caress YOU Burger King. Although the guy behind the counter was nice enough to cover the extra one cent because all I had was a 5 and it would have been pretty annoying to have to break that for one cent.

Here they are in all of their glory, four delicious Angriest Whoppers!

Here I pulled out this dirty old school kitchen scale I found, it appears that these are close to three pounds of food. The bag was... heavy.

That's a good looking burger! Errr, something like that. And oh, I forgot! The idiots used regular pickles instead of pickled jalapenos. Quality control, as always, is top notch at Burger King.

Say hello to me and my unkempt beard. It's burger #1!

Nothing like the first bite of a Burger King Whopper

#1 went down super easy and I was looking forward to burger #2 actually.

This, I believe is the moment when I realized that I had made a terrible mistake and still had 2 1/2 of these loving things to go.

Burger #3. My hands are starting to become covered in the angry sauce. Which, let's talk about that for a second. None of this was angry. Yes, I was missing jalapenos, but the angry onions, angry sauce, and angry bun weren't hot at all. gently caress, for all I know this idiotic Burger King gave me regular deep fried onions and regular sauce, but the bun I know was angry! Yet other than the color, there was no proof of this.

I am almost done with burger #3. My hands are covered in angry sauce and this has quickly gone from "I'm starting to feel very full" to "I wonder if I should have put a garbage can next to me?"

Gotta drink some water because these are salty as gently caress. But mustn't drink too much water because there is precious little space left in my poor stomach.

Burger #4. You can probably tell just from the angle of my head that I am in pain. Part of me wanted to just give up and save this for when I didn't feel like I was going to die, but I promised the internet I would do this, so I soldiered on. Like a dumb, loving moron, piece of poo poo.

One bite to go! If my celebration looks a little muted, it's because I thought I might throw up if I moved much more than that...

You have been defeated Angriest Whoppers!

No after pics of me, but I've just been sitting in a chair since I finished these, feeling generally ill. I probably should have just rid myself of those burgers immediately after eating them, but that seemed against the spirit of the challenge. Vim Fuego paid $25 for me to suffer, so goddammit here I am, suffering.

Final thoughts on the burger - it's not bad I guess, at least for a Burger King burger. It's way too expensive at almost $6 per, but I guess just the one was pretty filling, so maybe it's not too outrageous. I would highly recommend against eating four though. Yeah...

The most crime riddenest Burger King in Colorado, I hope DPD finally arrested that bum who was just simmering with anger and would explode with rage if you even made a passing glance at him.
Chubby's is less than a block away and the heat from their sauce burns my lips and my rear end in a top hat in a beautiful way that I don't think I can live without. Mexican hamburger and smothered tots for life.

# ? Apr 26, 2016 06:02

Hometown Slime Queen: Oct 26, 2004; the GOAT

Please don't forget that if your poop is bright bright red it is merely the copious amounts of red dye, or possibly the burger was so angry it perforated your colon

# ? Apr 26, 2016 06:36

Regrettable: Jan 5, 2010

Celluloid Sam posted:

I will eat any fast food thing if goons pay for it

# ? Apr 26, 2016 09:33

Nolan Arenado: May 8, 2009

Is it normal for your burps to still taste like angriest whoppers 36 hours of eating them? Are they just sitting in my stomach rotting?

# ? Apr 26, 2016 15:19

SIDS Vicious: Jan 1, 1970

OctoberBlues posted:

Is it normal for your burps to still taste like angriest whoppers 36 hours of eating them? Are they just sitting in my stomach rotting?

Likely some of them are still chilling you ate 3 pounds of burger King

# ? Apr 26, 2016 16:19

Smash it Smash hit: Dec 30, 2009; prettay, prettay

top 5 best fast food ~5$ packages by ( yum/money )

1. Cook out Tray ( get a burger and two corndogs as side gently caress yea)
2. Hardees 5 dollar box thing ( gives you options but no curly fries so gently caress you)
3. Wendys 4 for $4 ( cheapest and get nugs/burg/fries/drink )
4. Churches 5 dollar big box
5. Burger King 5 for $4 ( you would think would be better cause you get a cookie too but idk their food is gross)

# ? Apr 26, 2016 16:44

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# ? May 3, 2024 14:30

FedEx Mercury: Jan 7, 2004; Me bad posting? That's unpossible!; Lipstick Apathy

OctoberBlues posted:

Is it normal for your burps to still taste like angriest whoppers 36 hours of eating them? Are they just sitting in my stomach rotting?

It means you're bad at eating, which is surprising from a man who willingly consumed 2.97 gross lbs of Burger King.

# ? Apr 26, 2016 16:45

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