JonathonSpectre posted:

OK this has nothing to do with cheap soda but I must tell this story now.

My grand-dad used to be a big poker player and there was a weekly game in our town that was kind of the "high money" game, which around here isn't very high. One of the well-known members of the playing group was a drunk named Harry the Cat. Harry was known to start an evening of playing poker sober and end face-down on the rug. One night, my grand-dad, Harry the Cat, and another friend named Jack were the last three playing and Harry passed the gently caress out right there at the table, slid off his chair, and dropped to the floor. Grand-dad and Jack were a little drunk themselves, and they decided that the funniest thing they could do at the moment was poo poo in Harry's pants.

So they pulled Harry's pants off, one or the other of them poo poo in them, and then they carefully put them back on Harry, made sure he wasn't going to die, and went home.

The next day, Harry comes into my grand-dad's restaurant, clean-shaven, new haircut, clean clothes.

"Hey Harry, drat, you cleaned up good. What you all dolled up for?"

"I'm done with drinking... forever. I'm finished with it, for good. I'm a brand new man, and I figured I oughta look like a brand new man."

Harry the loving Cat saying he is done drinking is like a shark saying it's done being a terrifying apex predator with razor-sharp jaws. It's just not really a thing anyone expects as it is completely against the creature's nature. My grand-dad congratulated him for his new leaf, and then asked why he'd made this decision.

"Bobby, when you can somehow get so God-damned drunk that you poo poo your pants, but you don't poo poo your underwear, then it's time to stop before you kill yourself."

He never touched another drop for the rest of his life.

That's a true story, ladies and gents. I hope you enjoyed it.