misty mountaintop posted:

The socks are surely meeting in secret, somewhere beyond your knowledge, to plan your destruction. Your response must be in two parts.

1) Infiltration. You must learn of your enemy's plans by either spying or subterfuge.

a) Spying may be of two kinds: scouting, or a double agent.

i) Scouting. Buy a pair of new socks. Cultivate the loyalty of one of the socks by giving it gifts and honors on the one hand, and threatening its partner on the other. Keep the partner close, always on your foot. This will ensure the loyalty of your spy. Drop your spy behind the couch.

ii) Double agent. When a single sock returns mysteriously, you can be sure that it is a spy for the enemy. You may convert this sock to a double agent, but it must be done carefully because the enemy will no doubt be holding its partner hostage, just as you do with your spies. Double agents can be recruited to your side only by passionate belief or greed. Both require that you treat them in excess of their station, placing them in the top drawer with your finest underwear and hand-washing them. In this way you can encourage their avarice and represent your cause as just. It is best to never let on that you know they are a spy. Let them reveal it to you themselves, and accept their confession with mercy and good humor. This is how you gain their trust.

b) Subterfuge. Knit a human-sized sock and crawl into it. Now throw yourself in the dryer. After enough cycles, you will eventually be transported to the socks' secret lair. Make sure to stay hydrated.

2) Defense. The socks must eventually attack or lose their followers to impatience. A good defensive strategy consists of two elements: delay and fortification.

a) Delay. To delay the enemy, reduce the size of his army through restricting his access to recruits and by avoiding a causus belli.

i) Restricting access to recruits. Do not wash your socks. Buy black socks in small numbers and use Febreze as needed. This will keep the socks from fleeing.

ii) Avoiding a causus belli. Walk around barefoot, or wearing flip-flops or sandals, loudly declaiming "I no longer need socks. I see now that it is better to be barefoot than to oppress the sock people." Meanwhile, you are plotting their destruction.

b) Fortification. Build a big gently caress-off castle around your bed. They're just socks. They're not going to get into a castle.

from The Art of Wear by Sock Tzu