STAR TREK: Picard's Assimilated Balls

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > STAR TREK: Picard's Assimilated Balls

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

You know, I swear one of those maps of the Star Trek galaxy shows the true scope of Janeway's incompetence; if she'd gone towards the Gamma Quadrant instead of Alpha, they'd reach the far end of the Bajoran wormhole much much sooner than 70 years.

Also the landing thing I at least remember as being a half-assed emergency the first time because they hosed the ship up bad and needed to set down fix it or something. The flexible nacelles always seemed dumb as hell though, because that kind of thing has to be a bitch to repair.

"We can't go to warp Captain, the loving left nacelle won't go up! Again!"

# ¿ Jul 18, 2016 00:13

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# ¿ May 5, 2024 18:53

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Volcott posted:

The wormhole got turned off multiple times, and to get to it they had to go through Dominion space.

Didnt Voyager start before the Dominion War though?

# ¿ Jul 18, 2016 00:18

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Chomp8645 posted:

I remember some episode of Voyager where they have contact with somebody from the Alpha Quadrant and they mention the Dominion War in some fashion and the Voyager crew is all like "aroo?" but of course that's the end of it because god forbid you say something interesting or have the characters react emotionally to the fact that their brethren are locked in a life or death struggle and they can't help.

You'd think at the very least Starfleet could've gone "here, have the replicator blueprints for the new uniforms and stop dressing like chumps".

# ¿ Jul 18, 2016 00:34

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Hector Beerlioz posted:

Only the charm of Tom Paris can still her tempestuous spirit

Or these weird things called car-toons from the 1950's and popcorn.

# ¿ Jul 18, 2016 00:38

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Hector Beerlioz posted:

Active multivector assault mode!

That reminds me of one of the funniest things from late-season Voyager;

"Computer; Activate the Emergency Command Hologram", complete with dramatic uniform colour change and extra pips materializing on his collar.

Which means a Hologram has managed to have a more successful Starfleet career than Harry Kim.

# ¿ Jul 18, 2016 02:49

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Tighclops posted:

Honestly her whole character was "I am a klingon therefore I will be disagreeable about everything to everybody at all times." The fact that any of the other characters seemed to like her let alone get along with her or even have relationships with her was the most unbelievable aspect of the whole drat show

e: and that's why the fact that they chose to focus the whole depression episode where they build the first Delta Flyer on her is so frustrating to me, they chose the most unsympathetic character to put through that poo poo so the whole time you're watching you just wish the dumb jerk would kill herself already so everybody else could move on, which is precisely not the message you want to send about how to handle people suffering from depression.

The whole "angry Klingon hybrid" thing is stupid anyway, because we've seen another in TNG, and she was pretty well-adjusted. Hell, we've had a full Klingon cast member in TNG and he certainly wasn't a compete rear end in a top hat 24-7 to everyone around him.

# ¿ Jul 18, 2016 03:02

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

cheerfullydrab posted:

Didn't Voyager's nacelles go up and down for some reason? Why was that? How often did they do that? I've seen every episode and I'm totally blanking on these questions.

It raised them any time it went to Warp Speed. Presumably because it looked cool.

# ¿ Jul 18, 2016 04:55

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Chomp8645 posted:

I think the Wadi gambling episode can be safely skipped without missing anything important.

Move Along... to the next episode!

# ¿ Jul 18, 2016 06:29

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

RVWinkle posted:

I gave a link to the technical reasons a few pages back if anybody is interested. The retarded part is that they needed to set them horizontal for impulse speeds. Aerodynamics don't come in to play in space so they should just stay vertical at all times.

They'd probably tear off in a sharp turn or something. And again; why do that instead of just building a ship with ones fixed in that position?

# ¿ Jul 18, 2016 07:23

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Hector Beerlioz posted:

I am excited for the new show and I hope it is good in that it is entertaining and will lend itself to lighthearted poo poo posting in gbs.

Didnt they say something about the new series going to be darker than 90's Star Trek or something?

# ¿ Jul 19, 2016 02:57

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Tectonis posted:

I'm trying to think of my top 5 or 10 best Star Trek episodes and the thing I keep coming back to is how none of them are Voyager. In 7 seasons the closest they probably came for me was probably Living Witness. Even North Star from Enterprise rates higher for me than anything I can recall from Voyager.

Enterprise at least deserves something for the two-parter A Mirror Darkly. It came the gently caress out of nowhere, had no bearing at all on the regular series in the slightest, but damned if it wasn't actually good :munch:

# ¿ Jul 21, 2016 00:32

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

criscodisco posted:

That episode was great, but the show should also be recognized for its incredible production values. Goddamn that was a pretty show.

My favourite little detail is them even swapping the opening credits for ones filled with images of war and destruction instead of exploration.

# ¿ Jul 21, 2016 00:39

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Tectonis posted:

The first two seasons of Enterprise are painful to watch but by season 3 of Enterprise the show was pretty solid, at the end of it the ship is a wreck and you're cheering when Shran shows up because he hates that he owes a debt to a Pinkskin. Sure there's some stinkers like the mining station escape and the rape-y telepath that loves Hoshi but it's got a pretty good decent:bad episode ratio for a Star Trek season.

Season 3 had some stupid poo poo of its own though. Like a guy running into their unsecure fancy combat center and just deleting THE ENTIRE DATABASE OF THEIR ACCUMULATED INTEL with about three keystrokes.

When I saw that, I assumed it was a feint or they had backups or something, but nope. Played straight, all their intel data gone.

# ¿ Jul 21, 2016 00:50

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Tectonis posted:

Ctrl+A
Shift+Del
Enter

Alternatively:
cat /dev/random > /Usr/JArcher/DONOTDELETE/PorthosPics/Intel.txt

Trip just doesn't back anything up because he is actually a bad engineer

It's not the short commands thing, more that you would think there'd be a password on it or something. Nevermind the door to the room being unlocked.

# ¿ Jul 21, 2016 01:08

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

FilthyImp posted:

BSG's end is just a capstone to an increasingly odd season or two. Once the ships fly around to All Along the Watchtower the series goes off the rails. The conclusion of A Caprica six/Angel did it is bad, but humanity descended from a Cylon/Galactican hybrid isn't entirely terrible.

ENT, meanwhile, just meandered, pulled out of a nosedive, and hit self destruct right as it was regaining control. The only way it would have been worse was to haven an It Was All A Dream sequence. (Not like Computer End Program was much divorced from that).

They really had no idea what they were doing past New Caprica. Iirc, the Final Five were supposedly chosen by tossing darts at a wall.

# ¿ Jul 21, 2016 06:19

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Fat Shat Sings posted:

To be completely fair here, it is totally in Riker's character that he wouldn't care about Archer's speech.

Being on the Enterprise for a decade with the holodecks and command level access means he has hosed everyone in the audience, and every historical figure up to and including Archer before, during and after his speech.

"Do you want to watch the signing of Japan's surrender after World War 2"
"Nah I hosed all those guys, and had a three way with Leonardo Da Vinci and Leonardo Dicaprio while they signed the treaty on our naked bodies"
"Jesus, fine, okay lets go get some drinks"

DS9 even states outright at one point that intruding on someone's Holodeck time without permission is like some major felony offense. So you know half of Starfleet does hosed up stuff while off-duty in one.

# ¿ Jul 21, 2016 06:23

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

The replicators actually make poo poo out of a tank of generic replicator mass rather than conjuring it from nothing (which is why Voyager had that rationed early on), so when you order turkey you're probably getting the equivalent of tofurkey.

# ¿ Jul 21, 2016 09:31

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Tectonis posted:

I'd be Captain Proton's ship because I'm big, dumb useless and love campy scifi.

I actually kinda liked the Delta Flyer having manual controls because Tom Paris liked that dumb campy sci-fi. It at least showed some personal touch to it rather than just being a new Starfleet vessel.

Tectonis posted:

Developing tech for the Federation must be like some sort of OSHA hell. Some aliens see in infrared so it has to be visible in that range, meanwhile this race is blind so it needs a haptic interface these are for cetaceans so make them work with a bottle nose and clicks. Then provide support for all these development standards.

To be fair, you actually see some of that come up in TNG and it generally just has the aliens in question using prosthetics to cope with it.

Tectonis posted:

DaVinci episodes are good

John Rhys Davis was a great DaVinci, carrying the episodes himself :allears:

# ¿ Jul 28, 2016 08:14

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

cheerfullydrab posted:

Yes, but then went through a terrible civil war over which condiments/toppings are the best to put on a hamburger. The aftermath of that war is shown in First Contact. The Federation has suppressed the historical record, but that's the reason why you never see anyone eating a burger in any Trek series. It's all explained in this weird TNG novel I found at the bottom of a bargain bin in a thrift store in a crumbling coal town in the wilds of West Virginia.

It's common knowledge that Taco Bell won the Franchise Wars of the early 21st century. All restaurants are Taco Bell.

# ¿ Jul 28, 2016 11:00

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

oh man and I was watching Dark Matter and Wesley shows up and woo boy he's pretty hefty

I quite like Dark Matter. Killjoys too. They're not great shows, but it's nice having some fun sci-fi on TV :allears:

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

what if Geordi asked the holodeck to create a simulation of a woman who would love him? what would the result be? Core breach due to cpu cascade failure poo poo?

"Computer, generate a sexual companion who is interested in me".

"Computer, stop laughing."

Nefarious 2.0 posted:

how the gently caress do you fight in wars and spend your whole life in starfleet and not make officer. they should have given obrien a backstory where he was about to make captain and then flipped out and went ham on some cardassians and got busted down to private

Ehhh, having an old soldier not want to be an officer isn't an unknown thing. There's a lot of things can point and laugh at O'Brien for, but that's not necessarily one of them.

# ¿ Jul 28, 2016 18:26

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

Dark Matter is ok. Took awhile to get into. First season surprise ending was kinda dumb imo. Just started season 2.

Using the "android just got knocked out" as a story hook for about half the episodes gets real old though.

Yeah, they definitely wrote the Android as a little too powerful/omnipotent I think. There's one more episode like that (so far at least) in Season 2, and it actually is a good episode sparking off a few new questions, but it looks like they're at least doing something with the Android in this week's episode. The only real bad thing with season 2, so far, is the new crewmembers have gotten pushed largely into the background for only one or two scenes per episode.

# ¿ Jul 28, 2016 18:32

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

It's like when all the member of the Manhattan Project personally flew in on the Enola Gay to bomb the poo poo out of Japan!

Wasn't Seaquest also obstensibly a science ship as well as a peacekeeper? For the first two seasons, not 2032.

# ¿ Jul 29, 2016 02:09

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Hey, guys, remember that time Worf sprayed caustic acid so strong it could eat through metal into Dr Beverly Crusher's face? Causing her to fall to the floor, clutching her face and screaming in agony until they sedated her and she needed major reconstructive surgery? :stonk:

Which never came up again in the following episode like it was no big thing?

# ¿ Jul 29, 2016 17:22

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

criscodisco posted:

It's because the early uniforms were basically spandex onesies. It's the same reason he'd adjust the stomach of his uniform every time he sat.

Eventually the cast campaigned for better ones.

Part of it was that apparently the onesies were loving up Stewart's back really badly too.

# ¿ Jul 30, 2016 17:35

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

One time when I was a new ensign I was like yo Riker doesn't like me and it was really traumatising and so I grabbed my space nuts and manned up and talked to him and was like

"GIVE ME WHAT HE'S HAVING"

and

"SO WILL YOU'RE CANADIAN ME TOOOOO"

And at the end Will had to give that ensign a promotion because the better candidate was now spread across a large stretch of Cardassian space as loose atoms.

# ¿ Jul 31, 2016 04:31

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Gatekeeper posted:

Oh and I kinda like the goofy new STD ship it's dumb but in a silly way, not an Ent-E way, that thing looked like a fuckin spaceshit not a spaceship IMO, this new STD reminds me of that silly Vulcan IDIC thing gene came up with to make money by selling it on t-shirts or keychains or w/e but no one fuckin cared, not one bit. But I cared.

I'm surprised they thought they'd get away with CGI that looked like it belonged in an early-1990's Mainframe series.

# ¿ Jul 31, 2016 23:28

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

criscodisco posted:

I went to Memory Alpha and found this:

Apropos of nothing, Memory Alpha is one big buggy piece of poo poo anymore. It used to be fine, like 7 years ago. Now it gives my laptop and tablet diarrhea every time I go, and every page takes like 5 minutes to fully load.

I like the remark about how they basically got away with murder in regards to showing Beverly pretty much orgasming on prime-time family TV, in the early 90's no less.

# ¿ Aug 1, 2016 01:29

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Automatic Slim posted:

Star Trek got away with a lot of things that seem questionable. In season one of TNG amans head exploded and parasites fell out of his hollowed out chest. In TMP there was a Vulcan screaming in horrendous agony as he materializes in the middle of a transformer malfunction. Somehow that made it into a G rated movie. Good stuff.

The early days of TV/movie ratings were a lot more lenient with what was permitted in each category, because everyone was still figuring the ratings themselves out. Robocop was a PG movie initially, iirc. By the early 90's it got a lot stricter so as to protect the innocent minds of children.

# ¿ Aug 1, 2016 06:03

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

criscodisco posted:

Wasn't it the captains yacht that Picard, Troi and Geordi were in when the Romulans accidentally froze time? I remember it having a conference and dining room, and in the regular shuttles passengers had to sit on the wheel hump.

Nah, that was a Runabout.

# ¿ Aug 1, 2016 11:18

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

criscodisco posted:

I guess I didn't realize the Enterprise had a runabout. I thought they were a DS9 thing.

Only since DS9 started airing on TV, probably :v:

. I think they're meant to be general long-range shuttles rather than the "quick" trip regular ones considering they have beds and furniture.

# ¿ Aug 1, 2016 11:26

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

shadow puppet of a posted:

So in the first episode of voyager Kes' people speak to each other telepathically.

Then in the 3rd episode Neelix dismisses any notion of her people having special mind powers as being silly old stories.

What terrible show, so broken from the outset. They made such a huge deal about the stupid Ocampa and it all turned into garbage thanks to the one two punch of poor writing badly acted.

Ehhh, this one's not such a black mark against the show really. TV shows change stuff from the initial pilot episode all the time.

# ¿ Aug 2, 2016 05:33

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

The Endbringer posted:

Like did they honestly NOT think something would go wrong?
"Yeah let's put Janeway in charge of this mission, I'm sure she won't get lost or anything!"

"We're sending her on a mission into the Badlands, on a lovely overcomplex prototype starship with fuckup crew we collectively can't wait to be rid of, and odds are she and her ship won't come back. Fellow Admirals, good work all round :clint:

# ¿ Aug 2, 2016 05:36

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Automatic Slim posted:

For advanced human society, 24th century fashion is really lovely.

What's wrong with kimono's, gi's, and body stockings?

# ¿ Aug 3, 2016 05:01

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

EvilTaytoMan posted:

So I was watching an episode of TNG (Yesterday's Enterprise) on Syfy and there's a bit where Riker dies and they do a close up on his face and his eyes were blurred out for some reason. I have to ask just what it is about Riker's cold dead eyes that's so disturbing that someone at Syfy or whatever felt the need to censor them.

I saw that too when it came round on Aussie Syfy a few months back, and it's weird as hell.

# ¿ Aug 3, 2016 10:45

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Nefarious 2.0 posted:

that should be an ep. like some huge fatass is constantly getting poo poo on so he leaves earth but he stumbles upon a breezy low g planet and becomes a godking because of his ability to soar on flabwings

The Final Fat Rear.

# ¿ Aug 4, 2016 05:31

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

cheerfullydrab posted:

How did the Federation people pay Quark?

He paid them in rent for the bar, didn't he?

# ¿ Aug 4, 2016 06:16

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Germstore posted:

Starfleet is just a bunch of complicated holodeck simulations. There are no aliens. First contact was a bunch of actors. It's all a conspiracy to keep the portion humans that need conflict busy while everyone else spends all day jerking it or whatever.

Everyone names their saved Holodeck programs like "Riker_73" so the engineers don't have to trawl through dozens of entries like "Ensign Smith's Endless gently caress-Chain" or "Riker's Sex Dungeon Inferno 2.0" during routine maintenance.

On the same note, I liked that DS9's holodeck programs were mostly actual complete programs rather than just whatever the crew cobbled together themselves on a lazy afternoon. Like Vulcan Love Slave :wiggle:

# ¿ Aug 5, 2016 12:44

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

shadow puppet of a posted:

Gul Dukat did nothing wrong.

What about Kai Winn?

# ¿ Aug 5, 2016 18:34

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

criscodisco posted:

We don't need a bunch of uppity Irish trash getting their potato stink all over everything.

He doesnt even work the transporter, the computer does when someone on the Pad says "energize". The console's a make-work job for the unqualified.

# ¿ Aug 7, 2016 05:38

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# ¿ May 5, 2024 18:53

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Automatic Slim posted:

I don't understand how easily the Federation can download, upload, or interact with alien computers. Seems convenient that ~~maguffin~~ information can be accessed so easily.

I guess if Jeff Goldblum can do it so can someone from the 22-24 century.

The Computer being able to process an alien file format's into something compatible is just a matter of persistence really. And something the Federation have had several centuries of explorational travel to perfect.

# ¿ Aug 8, 2016 07:11

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