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Names to make memes about : Leonid Slutsky Oleg Shatov Marinato Guilherme Georgi Shchennikov Players to look at: Igor Smolnikov Oleg Shatov Pavel Mamayev Aleksandr Golovin Artem Dzyuba Fedor Smolov Russia's qualification for Euros was a clusterduck.  Hey, it's not my fault that we lost to Austria twice and drew with Moldova at home, the players are just poo poo and they have Alaba and... er... Moldova! Luckily, the FA had the sense to sack him after a home loss to Austria and appoint Leonid Slutsky, the CSKA coach, in his stead. He didn't leave the CSKA head coach spot, but doesn't seem to be prejudiced in favor of his own players, with one exception that I will address when the time comes. The "u" in Slutsky is pronounced like "oo" in "goon", not like "u" in "slut".  Eh, they're poo poo, but we're not Netherlands, we can still pull through. And so they did. After victories over the the footballing superpowers of Liechtenstein, Moldova, Montenegro, and Sweden, Russia qualified for the Euros by taking the second place in the group. The friendlies that came afterwards are a lot less heartening, however: the team lost, and quite hopelessly, to the two teams that have better quality than Russia: Croatia and France. Russia comes into the Euros with a squad that has only one player under 25 years old, only one player from outside of Russia (spoiler: who isn't Russian), and a Brazilian goalkeeper. We play against Wales with Gareth Bale, Slovakia with Marek Hamsik, and England with James Milner. What could possibly go wrong?  Why does the UEFA website list the matches in reverse order? There are also some friendlies before the tournament starts:  THE LORDSQUAD Goalkeepers Igor Akinfeev (Игорь Акинфеев) - CSKA Moscow  I'm the best goalkeeper in the world, and no fatal mistakes that I make will ever change that! For many years, Akinfeev has been Russia's first choice keeper. He managed to spectacularly gently caress up in the 2014 WC, being one of the primary reasons why Russia failed to get out of the easy group there. While he kind of got over it since, the CSKA fans' conviction that he is (or, in some cases, was) a world class keeper is misguided. He's not. Equally misguided is the conviction of everyone who doesn't follow the Russian league (i.e. everyone who isn't Russian) that he is poo poo. He's not. Yuri Lodygin (Юрий Лодыгин, Γιούρι Λοντίγκιν) - Zenit St. Petersburg  Akinfeev will be the one playing, but I'm more handsome than him, I speak English, and I don't finish 4th in the Champions League group stages every year, and I am thus a winner. For many years, Zenit's goalkeeper has been Russia's second choice keeper. First it was Vyacheslav Malafeev, now it's this guy who's actually half-Greek and learned to play football in Greece and still has a bit of an accent. Has occasional gently caress ups, but overall is a solid keeper who is really good at saving penalty shots. I think he should be the first choice keeper, but I'm biased. Guilherme (Гильерме) - Lokomotiv Moscow  Wait, are you seriously telling me that Russian IDs are called "passports"? Yes, this is Russia's third choice keeper. Yes, he is Brazilian. Yes, there is some annoyance about him being called up. Hilariously, none of it (barring some extreme right-wing fuckwits who are way too crazy even by the Russian low standards to take into account) is because he's not 100% white, and all of it is because there are allegedly other keepers who are better (Stanislav Kritsyuk, Aleksandr Belenov, Sergey Ryzhikov). However, the general sentiment is actually that "he's fine", because he's lived in Russia for some 10 years now ever since he came to Lokomotiv, and also happens to be the one of the only two Brazilians in the entire Russian league who bothered to learn the language beyond some swearwords and basic phrases. A solid keeper without any glaring weaknesses, but doesn't have any occasional spells of brilliance like the other two do. He also seems to be a nice guy. Defenders Sergei Ignashevich (Сергей Игнашевич) - Centreback, CSKA Moscow  They'll never let me retire, will they... He's 36, he's slow as hell, and there isn't a single centreback in all of Russia who would be better than him. Which isn't because he's particularly good, but because all Russian centrebacks who aren't Ignashevich or a Berezutsky brother are such complete distilled poo poo that the team is better off playing a defense that is over a 100 years old in total. WELP. The Berezutsky brothers (Братья Березуцкие) - Centrebacks, CSKA Moscow  Insert a stupid joke about twins. Vasili is another centreback and the likely captain of the national team in Shirokov's absence, see Ignashevich description. Aleksei can play any position in defense, and while he doesn't play much for CSKA, he never drops below a certain okay-ish level when he comes out as a sub, so he goes to the Euros as a universal plug. They're 33 (will turn 34 during the tournament). Dmitri Kombarov (Дмитрий Комбаров) - Left-back, Spartak Moscow  We don't need no Brazilians here! What do you mean, I'm poo poo? Who gives a poo poo?! A complete loving moron who isn't even a defender. He can't defend, he can't shoot, he can't pass, and he's not capable of anything beyond running fast and making a bad cross. He also stated that only Russians should play for the Russian team. That couldn't possibly gently caress up the psychological climate in the team, could it? Igor Smolnikov (Игорь Смольников) - Right-back, Zenit St. Petersburg  I've been through hell and back and I'm not going to waste this chance... Wait, what do you mean there's no Hulk here?! Crap... This guy is a diamond in the rough. Fast, has good positioning, and amazing in offence. His only lackluster quality is finishing, but, thankfully, that isn't his primary function. However, he doesn't shine as much in offence for Russia, because his primary partner in Zenit is Hulk, which Russia lacks. Still, one of the few players in the Russian team who can actually be unironically described as good, and that's after many years of purgatory in the lower league teams. He can play both a right-back and a left-back, but performs much better as the former. Roman Shishkin (Роман Шишкин) - Right-back, Lokomotiv Moscow  I'm so forgettable that this goon who thinks he's funny can't even come up with a one-liner. But hey, at least I won't gently caress everything up if I somehow end up playing. Smolnikov's replacement. Not as fast, not as creative, nothing spectacular, but not total poo poo, which means he's good enough for the national team. Georgi Shchennikov (Георгий Щенников) - Left-back, CSKA Moscow  What do you mean, they have 10000 ways of spelling my name? Also known as Georgi Tschschennikov, Schennikov, Shennikov, Tschennikov. His last name isn't anywhere near as hard to pronounce as it is to transliterate into English. Those of you who are Scandinavian can imagine a slightly softer "k" in Swedish "köra". One of the players who seemed like he could become good when he was young, but in the end is just an okay-ish left-back. Seems to be a second choice after Dmitri Kombarov, which is completely loving stupid. He's also one of the youngest players in the squad, being 25. Yes, 25 is considered "young and promising" in Russia. Don't ask. Roman Neustädter (Роман Нойштедтер) - Centreback/defensive midfielder, Schalke 04  Wait, I can play at Euros? Well, I guess I'm Russian now! Россиииияяяяя велиииикааааяяя наааашааа... entschuldigung. A German left-back who apparently has some roots in either Russia or Ukraine (I honestly don't care, he's German either way). No clue if he even speaks any Russian. Also don't know if he's any good, since I don't follow Schalke 04, although I read on the Internet that he's poo poo. Still, he can't be any worse than the 50 year old centrebacks that aren't him. Has an umlaut in his name, so that's an automatic win in my book. Midfielders Before you ask - Dzagoev is injured. Roman Shirokov (Роман Широков) - Central midfielder, CSKA Moscow  I may be out of form and I never bother to run, but I'm still the best! Wait, what do you mean, "Yaya Toure was ridiculed"?.. Ah, who gives a drat, we all know I'm neither wrong nor ironic. The exception from Slutsky's non-biasedness that I talked about. He's technically the captain of the national team and actually is the most creative player in the squad. However, he's 34 and during the past year he barely played any games, either for Spartak (where his contract had an "automatic prolongation if you play a certain number of matches" option, and the club didn't want to keep him, so Spartak chose to be cunts and just force the coach to keep him on the bench. Don't go to Spartak if you're a football player.) or for CSKA (because he was completely out of form). Also, he played for Zenit, CSKA, and Spartak Moscow. That's a Russian equivalent of playing for Real, Barcelona, and Atletico Madrid in sequence. He's likely out of form, but I hope to heaven to be wrong. He can be an asset despite his age, he just probably won't be. Igor Denisov (Игорь Денисов) - Defensive midfielder, Dinamo Moscow  What do you mean, "no one's gonna pay me 5m EUR/year"? The biggest loving rear end in a top hat in the Russian football. Ever. First he was responsible for a slew of Zenit's poo poo football in 2012 when Hulk and Axel Witsel were bought, as he wanted to be paid as much as these two, refused to play and tried to get Zenit's Russian players on his side (which he partially succeeded in). He got kicked out. So he moved to Anzhi to be payed a lot, which you may remember as a team that decided to spend a lot of money out of nowhere and then suddenly decided to stop spending any money at all and start playing their youth team, which resulted in them being relegated after finishing third in the Russian league and having an okay UEL season. Then he moved to Dinamo Moscow to be payed a lot, which you may remember as a team that decided to spend a lot of money out of nowhere and then suddenly decided to stop spending any money at all and start playing their youth team, which resulted in them being relegated after finishing fourth in the Russian league and having an okay UEL season. The trick is, this year there is no team that would suddenly decide to spend a lot of money, and even if someone wanted to do so, FFP is an impenetrable obstacle. He's now been relegated with Dinamo (for the first time in their almost a century of history, by the way) and hopefully he'll stay with Dinamo, because no one in their right mind will pay his gargantuan wage now. The guy got what he deserved. And the fact that he's the only good defensive midfielder in Russia is, frankly, completely irrelevant. Denis Glushakov (Денис Глушаков) - Universal midfielder, Spartak Moscow  Plugging holes in the midfield? Again? A Spartak midfielder. That's literally about as much as can be said about him. He doesn't excel in anything, he isn't complete poo poo at anything. I guess I can say that he can play both a defensive midfielder and a box to box. Aleksandr Samedov (Александр Самедов) - Right winger, Lokomotiv Moscow  Azerbaijan offered me a spot and probably a truck of money, but I refused, and now I'm stuck here. An ethnic Azerbaijani right winger, he spent his entire career walking the line between painfully average and kind of slightly good. Now he's 31 and, similarly to Glushakov, he doesn't excel at anything and isn't complete poo poo at anything. Dmitri Torbinski (Дмитрий Торбинский) - Left winger, Krasnodar  Well, I'm old now, and I had my 5 minutes of glory 8 years ago, my time is gone... what do you mean that other guy is injured? LET'S GO RUSSIA I'M YOUR SAVIOUR AGAIN! A veteran who doesn't excel at anything and was only called up because of Alan Dzagoev's injury. Scored Russia's winning goal against Netherlands 8 years ago. Likes to hurt people on the pitch. Oleg Shatov (Олег Шатов) - Attacking midfielder/inside forward, Zenit St. Petersburg  Oh, gently caress this, the Champions League is better. Another Zenit player, one of the more competent players in the team. Crazy fast, has very good technique (he started off playing futsal), but his decision-making is hilariously unstable, consequently making him the kind of player who is either complete poo poo or tears everything apart, depending on the phase of the moon. The "a" in his name is pronounced kind of like the "u" in "bug", not like an English "a". Suddenly the immature jokes make a lot less sense, don't they? Pavel Mamayev (Павел Мамаев) - Central midfielder, Krasnodar  Hey, Bale! Look at my tattoos, and be distracted in awe as someone is trying to win the ball from you! A Krasnodar midfielder, likely to be the creative brain of the team. He isn't particularly great at it, but he's better at it than everyone else bar on-form Shirokov. This Euro could be a breakthrough for him. Aleksandr Golovin (Александр Головин) - Central midfielder, CSKA Moscow  I'm so obscure that Alexey had to search "Александр Головин футболист" (Aleksandr Golovin footballer) instead of just googling my name. AN ACTUAL YOUNG PLAYER IN RUSSIA WHAT THE gently caress HOLY poo poo He's 20 and he plays for CSKA in midfield. Has good technique and knows how to find someone with a pass. I'm hoping that he will play in the starting 11, but I doubt it. Oleg Ivanov (Олег Иванов) - Central midfielder, Terek Grozny  8 years ago, I was called up just to fill up the roster. Now in 2016, I'm called up just to fill up the roster. Maybe I'm the lucky charm and the team will reach the semis again? Another central midfielder who excels at nothing. Probably will not play. Was at Euro 2008, where he didn't play. Strikers Aleksandr Kokorin (Александр Кокорин) - Inside forward/striker, Zenit St. Petersburg  Nah, I don't feel like running today. If I just stand here, everyone will bow before my talent and I'll score all the goals... what do you mean I'm not Messi? I sure get paid just as much  A.k.a. The Fraud. The most overpaid player in Russia, bar Denisov. The most overhyped player in Russia, bar none. Talented as hell, but also lazy as hell. He was rumored to move to Arsenal last winter, but chose to play for Zenit instead, because why would he face challenges and adversity in the Premier League, when he gets paid 4m Euros/year in Russia? Since Zenit has better players that play his positions, he doesn't play a lot at all. Artyom Dzyuba (Артём Дзюба) - Striker, Zenit St. Petersburg  I AM ZLATAN! Yes, I'm being facetious. The Spartak Moscow academy graduate, and the Spartak Moscow main team reject (as I said before, don't go to Spartak Moscow if you're a footballer, at least not with their current management). Hated by Spartak Moscow fans. Zenit fans are conflicted about him: on the one hand, he's a Spartak academy product and played for them for many years, on the other hand, he was rejected in a dickish way and Spartak fans hate him. The guy's essentially poor man's Zlatan and, ironically, the man who scored the winning goal against Sweden in the qualification game in Moscow. He has surprisingly good technique for someone his size (he's almost 2 meters tall, and no, I'm not converting that into feet and inches), and has a fantastic mutual understanding with Hulk while playing for Zenit (something just clicked, like the Hulk-Falcao entity in AVB's Porto). Russia has no Hulk, but the technique and him somehow managing to find chances carry over. He also has a very peculiar sense of humor and would fit right in on SA if he spoke English better than he does. And knew about SA. Fyodor Smolov (Фёдор Смолов) - Inside forward/striker, Krasnodar  They used to laugh at me... now they laugh with me! The former laughing stock of Russia. He used to score an average of one goal per season while he was a Dinamo Moscow, and later Anzhi player. Turned out that it was attributable to his wife, whom I only know to be some bimbo who could care less about her husband and whose primary goal was to live in Moscow. When he got divorced, he said "gently caress it" and moved to a mid-table team, where he got his poo poo together, moved to Krasnodar, and managed to become the league's top scorer in a league where Hulk exists and gives a drat about the games. Whether Dzyuba or Smolov will be the main striker, I honestly don't know. Probably Dzyuba. ----------------- My prognosis: A win over Slovakia and maybe a draw with one of the British teams, Round of 16 exit. The kits   The fans If you expect to see a lot of hot girls in the stands, you have another thing coming. .jpg) Expect these morons to constitute the bulk of the Russian fans. nutri_void fucked around with this message at 04:05 on May 31, 2016 |
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May 28, 2016 23:50
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rip dzagoev for the euros   good write up though, looking forward to shirokov making a lot of pouty faces and dzyuba falling a lot za rodinu!
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May 29, 2016 02:06
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Alexeythegreat posted:Oleg Shatov (Олег Шатов)
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May 29, 2016 14:18
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How is Roman Neustadter playing for Russia when he's been capped by Germany twice??!! Also good write up.
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May 29, 2016 23:04
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Ewar Woowar posted:How is Roman Neustadter playing for Russia when he's been capped by Germany twice??!! Thanks! To my knowledge, Neustädter only played for Germany in friendlies. I thought it doesn't matter if it's friendlies or not, but apparently I was wrong.
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May 29, 2016 23:39
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that's a very informative OP, OP
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May 29, 2016 23:46
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That's a very good OP and it'll be a shame when Russia disappoint a good OP by crashing out.to a bad team like England.
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May 29, 2016 23:59
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Alexeythegreat posted:Thanks! I thought if you were capped by another country then that was that. Will be interested to see the ruling on this.
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May 30, 2016 00:13
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Ewar Woowar posted:I thought if you were capped by another country then that was that. Will be interested to see the ruling on this. Pretty sure outside of Football Manager you have to have been capped in an actual competitive match, friendlies don't count.
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May 30, 2016 00:15
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vyelkin posted:Pretty sure outside of Football Manager you have to have been capped in an actual competitive match, friendlies don't count. Yeah that seems to be the case.
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May 30, 2016 00:50
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Wheres Dzagoev (I know hes injured)
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May 30, 2016 04:36
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vyelkin posted:Pretty sure outside of Football Manager you have to have been capped in an actual competitive match, friendlies don't count. It's this, yeah, but if you played u21 internationals for one country before being eligible for a second, you can only play for the country you played u21s for iirc
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May 30, 2016 12:30
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Byolante posted:Wheres Dzagoev (I know hes injured) He's injured Bogan Krkic posted:It's this, yeah, but if you played u21 internationals for one country before being eligible for a second, you can only play for the country you played u21s for Well, according to the manual, it's only official matches at "A" international level. In a textbook example of how not to write rules and regulations and laws and whatever else, FIFA documents do not define what an "official match at "A" international level" is. What they do define is that an "international "A" match" is a match for which both member associations field their "A" teams (or "first representative teams"). What the gently caress is a "first representative team", I can't find.
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May 30, 2016 20:19
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Alexeythegreat posted:He's injured As in not a B Team. Sometimes teams will formally put together a B team of players who aren't in the full international squad and have them play a match or two. It's much less common now than it used to be, so the FIFA rules probably reflect a time when that was more common.
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May 30, 2016 20:21
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vyelkin posted:As in not a B Team. Sometimes teams will formally put together a B team of players who aren't in the full international squad and have them play a match or two. It's much less common now than it used to be, so the FIFA rules probably reflect a time when that was more common. Yeah, but here's the thing: I can't find anything explaining or listing what "A" matches or "A" teams, or "B" matches or "B" teams, are. Meaning that anything can be or not be an "A" team match. And, most importantly, we don't know if U-21 matches are "A" matches or not. Maybe the regulations issued by regional associations can shed light... too bad I can't be bothered to read them.
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May 30, 2016 20:29
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Alexeythegreat posted:Yeah, but here's the thing: I can't find anything explaining or listing what "A" matches or "A" teams, or "B" matches or "B" teams, are. Meaning that anything can be or not be an "A" team match. And, most importantly, we don't know if U-21 matches are "A" matches or not. Maybe the regulations issued by regional associations can shed light... too bad I can't be bothered to read them. I'm pretty sure that u21 matches in official competition must count as "A" matches, because Adama Traore couldn't play for Australia due to having played in a under-age tournament for Ivory Coast before receiving his Australian citizenship and I'm mad about that Ewar Woowar posted:I thought if you were capped by another country then that was that. Will be interested to see the ruling on this. Friendlies don't count because of Tim Cahill, so I'm guessing that "A" matches must be in an official FIFA sanctioned competition? Who the gently caress knows
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May 31, 2016 10:58
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its good that despite russia having state sponsored doping and loads of athletes have been banned none of their footballers seem have
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May 31, 2016 11:05
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Jose posted:its good that despite russia having state sponsored doping and loads of athletes have been banned none of their footballers seem have They don't have any good players anyway so maybe they all missed out on the gear and are fully clean
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May 31, 2016 11:07
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gently caress russia
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May 31, 2016 11:13
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Today is the friendly against the Czech Republic, at 18:00 CEST. This will be the ultimate showdown of Slavic mediocrity.
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Jun 1, 2016 11:34
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The squad for the Czech Republic: Lodygin, Smolnikov, V. Berezutsky, Ignashevich, Torbinsky, Denisov, Ivanov, Shatov, Smolov, Kokorin, Dzyuba. Torbinsky seems to be playing a left-back, and Ivanov is underneath the offesive 4, in the place where literally everyone expected to see Mamayev. Slutsky promised the starting 11 to play against the Czechs. This squad indicates that either that was a lie, or that I have no idea what I'm talking about.
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Jun 1, 2016 16:35
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1-0 Russia, I didn't see the goal. Welp. E: Russian defense is poo poo, Lafata is even worse Smolov fucks up a chance nutri_void fucked around with this message at 17:43 on Jun 1, 2016 |
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Jun 1, 2016 17:10
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if shirokov isn't starting i will be very sad ideally, i'd want shirokov and golovin/denisov as the deep mids, with mameyev sitting behind the front three
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Jun 1, 2016 17:45
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Czech Republic created no chances despite having possession and Russian defense being bad (especially Torbinsky, which makes sense, given that he is, you know, not a full-back), Russia created 2 (I saw one, but I assume that one of them was converted into a goal).vivisectvnv posted:ideally, i'd want shirokov and golovin/denisov as the deep mids, with mameyev sitting behind the front three I concur (as long as Shirokov is on form, which I doubt and hope that he is)
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Jun 1, 2016 17:55
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Mamayev instead of Dzyuba and recreates the partnership from Krasnodar, Guilherme instead of Lodygin. Turn the match on if you want to see a Brazilian keeper play for an Easterrn European country.
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Jun 1, 2016 18:04
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If this is how Russia is going to play during the Euros, I take my words about winning against Slovakia back.
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Jun 1, 2016 18:34
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Cech just did the same thing that Akinfeev did against South Korea two years ago. Except he got lucky and the ball flew into the goalpost. Neustädter is a garbageman. Bring back Berezutsky nutri_void fucked around with this message at 18:49 on Jun 1, 2016 |
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Jun 1, 2016 18:47
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Anyone got a stream for the Czech game?
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Jun 1, 2016 18:57
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i'm hoping slutsky used up his experimental poo poo show on the more distant slav brethren and will assemble the real deal for our pravoslavni brothers from mighty serbia
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Jun 1, 2016 19:08
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The squad for Serbia: Akinfeev, Smolnikov, V. Berezutsky, Ignashevich, Shchennikov, Denisov, Golovin, Shatov, Smolov, Kokorin, Dzyuba. Now that looks more like the starting 11.
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Jun 5, 2016 15:49
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So far that's not anywhere near as bad as the match against the Czechs, but it's still completely brain-dead. E: Denisov is injured. nutri_void fucked around with this message at 18:09 on Jun 5, 2016 |
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Jun 5, 2016 17:51
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nice goal mitrovic
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Jun 5, 2016 18:46
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poo poo defending. Typical.
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Jun 5, 2016 18:52
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we looked so gash in the final third and shirokov needs to be starting, brilliant little backheel on the dzyuba goal
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Jun 5, 2016 18:55
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vivisectvnv posted:we looked so gash in the final third and shirokov needs to be starting, brilliant little backheel on the dzyuba goal Know what you mean, gash is best in the middle third. Anyone got any stream ables?
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Jun 5, 2016 22:28
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Artur Yusupov is called up instead of Denisov, who's out with a hamstring injury. The reason seems to be that he happened to spend his vacation in Monaco at the same time as the national team was training there, and thus he didn't have to make a flight. The Russian approach to forming the squad is hilarious. I'll update the OP when I can be bothered. For now, know this, comrades: Yusupov is perpetually terrified of losing possession, thus he almost always passes back to the centre-backs. This means that his pass accuracy is consistently around 90%, but he accomplishes literally jackshit whenever he's playing. I also can't see him ever playing, since he hasn't trained since the end of the season with Zenit. nutri_void fucked around with this message at 14:47 on Jun 6, 2016 |
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Jun 6, 2016 14:44
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I've been waiting for a long time to say this. gently caress England.
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Jun 11, 2016 13:57
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Alexeythegreat posted:I've been waiting for a long time to say this.  my friend
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Jun 11, 2016 14:48
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Jose posted:its good that despite russia having state sponsored doping and loads of athletes have been banned none of their footballers seem have they were doped like crazy in 08. Arshavin played like Messi
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Jun 11, 2016 19:20
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African AIDS cum posted:they were doped like crazy in 08. Arshavin played like Messi Which must be why we had two monumentally lovely games against then-not-invincible Spain
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Jun 11, 2016 19:31
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