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a ball of tangled linguine tumbles across the desert plains
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Jun 2, 2016 17:21
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| # ¿ May 18, 2024 18:02 |
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social vegan posted:excuse me waiter, there seems to be some true grit in my endless caesar salad
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Jun 3, 2016 18:28
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*a couple of cowboys sit at the bar at Giuseppe's Salone, the best Italian saloon in Westwater. a balding man in a white chef's apron places a sumptuous plate of spaghetti al dente on the bar in front of one of them, kissing his fingers and gesticulating passionately after presenting it.* cowboy 1: that's the finest-lookin' plate of pasta I've ever seen, henry! cowboy 2: lemme tell ya somethin', boy. i've been comin' to these 'talian waterin' holes round this here country goin' on a score now, an' i'll be goddamned if giueseppe's ain't given me the best plate-a pasta this side of the mississippi. the man's an artist. *henry tips his hat at giuseppe, who kisses his fingers again* cowboy 1: i'll sure take yer word for it. looks like god himself made 'em in his image. *suddenly, the saloon doors slam open. a hefty looking guy with a gut the size of a sack of potatoes lumbers in. the saloon goes quiet. henry tries discretely slips his plate of pasta into his rucksack* cowboy 1: (whispering) who's this portly fella? henry: boy... that's big carb mcnarb. cowboy 1: who? henry: some say his ma found him driftin' down a river-a marinara an' named him "ravioses" - "I drew him out of the sauce." others say he's an agent-a the devil himself, sent down to earth to punish the first man for tastin' the forbidden rotini. any which way ya look at it, he's a nasty ol' sonuvagun with an appetite'll eat any man outta business. don't be deceived, boy - he may look all bumblin' an' harmless, but I once seen him slurp a man up whole, like some kinda big noodle. cowboy 1: jesus mary n' joseph! *big carb mcnarb walks up to the bar, belches loudly, and sniffs the air* big carb mcnarb: mmm mm mmmm! that some of yer famous spaghetti i'm smellin', giueseppe? giueseppe: please, my friend, i sweara to you, i- ah... i do not know what- big carb mcnarb: no need to flap yer lips there, amica, you know 'xactly what I'm here for. so where's my cut? i know you've got it - i can smell it. giueseppe: mcnarb, you know howa business has been! i justa can't- big carb mcnarb: we had a deal, partner. fifty per cent of yer spaghetti down a hundred per cent of my gullet, an' you'd be free-a me fer good. but if yer gonna be cheatin' me outta mine... *big carb mcnarb grabs henry's rucksack and pours its contents down his throat to hushed gasps from the other patrons* henry: sonuva- big carb mcnarb: (belching) ...we're gonna have a bituva problem. *big carb mcnarb walks around the counter, licking his lips.* giueseppe: please, mio amico, i have never done-a bad by you! i have a wife and a beautiful donna at home and- big carb mcnarb: you've had yer chances, friend. i jus' hope you done good in the eyes of the lord. *big carb mcnarb begins to inhale, slowly at first, as though slurping down a strand of spaghetti.* cowboy 1: what in the sam hell is he gonna... henry: for god's sake mcnarb, the man's got a family! don't- *but it's too late. his slurping gets more and more intense, and soon it's a veritable vortex of suck. giueseppe tries to run, but the powerful inward gusts from mcnarb's bellows hold him in place. horrified patrons scatter as fast as they can from their tables and out the door as all manner things are swept towards the void of mcnarb's massive maw. henry and his friend stand in the doorframe, witnessing in utter terror as giueseppe begins to unravel into one long fleshy noodle, screaming as it enters mcnarb's abyssal stomach.* henry: (choking back tears as he and his friend leave) gieuseppe.. oh jesus, gieuseppe... *soon, all that's left of the once-great Italian chef is a pile of bones, sucked clean. big carb mcnarb belches. he pats his belly for a moment, and then reaches under the bar for another plate of spaghetti, which he immediately devours. it's pretty good honestly*
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Jun 4, 2016 01:51
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