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CJacobs
Apr 17, 2011

Reach for the moon!

H.H posted:

If it weren't for CJacobs and his friend Fae I would not have amassed a collection of toys. By toys I mean anthropomorphic dildos. I'm not even joking. So this is probably the closest way to say thanks, your dong chat about where to buy dargon dildos is pretty helpful.

Haha sweet, I'm glad I have done some good in the world

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Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
Anthropomorphic dildo knowledge once again brings people together and improves lives!

A Strange Aeon
Mar 26, 2010

You are now a slimy little toad
The Great Twist
"costco sized bottle of ketchup"

That's the kind of detail you find in a REAL confession, take note, fiction writers!

Sad homeschooled goon, I had a friend growing up whose parents went crazy with religion--they removed his door from the hinges, so he basically had zero privacy.

“They gently caress you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were hosed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.”

Pound_Coin
Feb 5, 2004
£


A Strange Aeon posted:

"costco sized bottle of ketchup"

That's the kind of detail you find in a REAL confession, take note, fiction writers!


Seriously.

brought back memories of dodging cans of tesco value baked beans.

Dinosaurmageddon
Jul 7, 2007

by zen death robot
Hell Gem
A Strange Aeon, indeed.

Just stop for a second and remind yourself how amazingly unlikely it is that you were born at all, not to mention exist as part of this radical era in human history.

H.H
Oct 24, 2006

August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

chubby guys are very cute!!!!! also nice avatar H.H but have you thought of getting a reginald avatar

quote:

I've been cutting myself for the past two years. It's gotten worst. I have scars now. I keep drinking and getting high to help but when I'm sober I want to die. I have a girlfriend that loves me and knows what it's happening but I'm gonna eventually kill myself and everyone is gonna forget about me.

H.H
Oct 24, 2006

August is the Cruelest Month
Two things w/r/t to these last two confessions:

1. WTF is a Reginald avatar?

2. Can someone link me to the US suicide prevention hotline (and maybe the UK one too) so I can put it in the OP? I feel like there will be more of these confessions down the road.

CJacobs
Apr 17, 2011

Reach for the moon!

H.H posted:


2. Can someone link me to the US suicide prevention hotline (and maybe the UK one too) so I can put it in the OP? I feel like there will be more of these confessions down the road.

US # is:

:siren: 1-800-273-8255 :siren:

Putty
Mar 21, 2013

HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS
that guy is wrong clearly Hotel Mario avs are the hot new thing

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

Is the suicide confession Golem II? I ask because it's kind of conspicuous that someone posts in this thread about wanting to commit suicide, he gets a probie, and then an anonymous confession shows up saying the same thing.

Well, regardless of whether they are the same person, that poster and the confessor should both seriously consider calling that phone number. Gotta wonder what's going through that girlfriend's head if she knows about this, loves him, and apparently isn't doing anything.

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

In less serious news

Reginald is a blue birb from a popular webcomic

What exactly is an "anthropomorphic" dildo, does it have arms and legs and walk around and talk in a goofy voice or is it actually shaped like a little person whose entire body you shove inside of your own because I'd definitely believe that either or both of those are real fetishes

I think I remember someone in D&D talking about their sister being a weird Tumblr shut-in and being told by all goons present that she was definitely raped, case closed *gavel bang* because that's the kind of thing the super-sleuths in D&D would say rather than admitting that people can in fact be simultaneously super weird and politically liberal

Homeschooling part is news to me though. Honestly I think people should need a government permit to homeschool, and get evaluated via standardized testing just like teachers do. Otherwise there is nothing to stop them from doing something like this, and homeschooling seems like the perfect way for an abusive personality to keep their children under their thumb. Also, requiring a government permit to homeschool would really really piss off homeschool types (added bonus)

SEX BURRITO
Jun 30, 2007

Not much fun
Why would you need to anonymously confess to liking chubby guys? Dad bods are great.

Hedrigall
Mar 27, 2008

by vyelkin
Homeschooling is totally norm--

Hopper
Dec 28, 2004

BOOING! BOOING!
Grimey Drawer
^^^ please don't let this be real and just attention whoring

Isn't there a difference between "Dad bod" and chubby?
Afaik Dad bod basically means works out, drinks too much beer and a hipster beard, chubby is no workout, too much food, neckbeard.
I.e. tiny bit of a beerbelly but generally fit vs. overall too much weight

Hopper fucked around with this message at 21:57 on Jul 10, 2016

Inzombiac
Mar 19, 2007

PARTY ALL NIGHT

EAT BRAINS ALL DAY


It's fake. Don't worry.

SEX BURRITO
Jun 30, 2007

Not much fun
Chubby and dad bod are same things to me. Guys who are sort of active, sometimes indulge too much, kinda soft around the belly.

Once the stomach starts to hang over the belt and you need a beard to cover your neck, well that's just fat.

a whole buncha crows
May 8, 2003

WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE, WE HATE OURSELVES.-SA USER NATION (AKA ME!)

Hedrigall posted:

Homeschooling is totally norm--



lol.

skeletonotherkin
Sep 26, 2014

quote:



Education chat reminded me I should share this for the gently caress of it.

I was homeschooled, and I guess homeschooling is alright. Except if you're one of the few who fell through the cracks, like me.

Here's some poo poo that went on til I was 18.
Pulled from public school from 2nd grade
Rarely worked for more than three or four hours a day, every day.
You know all those 'classic novels' like moby dick or scarlet letter? Yeah, never read them.
I had my own laptop for some reason--though no internet [thankfully??]--so I'd watch a lot of movies instead of doing school type poo poo.
Never wrote an essay. At all. Ever. Kind of hosed when I got to community college and was faced with 'wtf is double spacing? How do use microsoft word?'
A Beka books. Not actually informational, but that didn't stop my mom from using them.
We did bible studies more than science, art, etc. She'd quiz me on poo poo that happened in the bible, like giving mini paper exams.
Never did homework. Or turned in homework. When I did I'd just do unruly scrawl in between legit words and she'd just accept it.
Homework consisted of filling out biblical quizes, copying answers from the ends of chapters from 'school books'. [Again, never wrote an essay or read novels, did science experiements, etc. or had to do critical thinking.]
Had no friends. Never was signed up for extra curricular poo poo like sports teams, scout camp, etc. So I rarely interacted with anyone not a family member.
Never learned math, by the way. Kind of surprised and hosed when college classes expected you to know poo poo like multiplication.
My own aunt called me 'socially inept' which I thought was cruel, but honestly she was right. I've gotten better, I swear. You can't fault me for not know social poo poo when I've been isolated as gently caress.
I graduated myself from 'high school'. Like, from about 17-18 yo I did no homework, schoolbook reading and the like so why the gently caress not.

Oh, and unrelated to the homeschooling thing: she'd phsyically drag me across the house [from living room, through the hallway, to the backyard door and back] because... reasons? I guess I was misbehaving, can't remember. I've also been beaten with an extension cord, tv remote, and wooden spatula, among other things. She's also thrown things at me, like heavy pots, costco sized bottle of ketchup, etc. And screamed a lot.


My older sister was homeschooled too, with p much the same experience. Today she's a self declared asexual with zero friends, a room full of sailor moon collectibles, dildos, and a fear of men [bc tumblr taught her that among other die cis scum thinking and poo poo]. Goons told me she was most likely raped, but that's kind of impossible when a) she's rarely been without me or my mother's company, and b) never goes outside anyways. [Dad is kind of out of the picture so. And it's doubtful my mom's a pedo, just really hosed up in other ways.]

tl;dr christian homeschooler mother hosed up my education and attempted to softcore 'genie the feral child' her own offspring. It's been a long road to unfuck myself. I contemplate suicide a lot in the meantime.

How do you know your sisters owns a bunch of dildos?

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010



Gun Saliva
Obviously she keeps them in the cabinet with the fine China

value-brand cereal
May 2, 2008

But are the human dildos or animal dildos? That's the real question. CJacobs I hope you're still around. We need some expertise re: non human dildo.

skeletonotherkin
Sep 26, 2014

SniperWoreConverse posted:

Obviously she keeps them in the cabinet with the fine China

Lol at a righteous christian upbringing resulting in your daughter having a display case full of the finest synthetic dicks and a sailor moon obsession.

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

skeletonotherkin posted:

Lol at a righteous christian upbringing resulting in your daughter having a display case full of the finest synthetic dicks and a sailor moon obsession.

It makes complete sense to me actually due to the whole "not spending all day in a big building with a bunch of other kids her own age" thing

Poor girl's probably only ever had social interactions of any type through Tumblr, of course she's gonna be Tumblr personified. And a collection of forty dildos in all shapes and colors is just the ladygoon equivalent of a hard drive containing 2TB of lovingly categorized porn in a directory labeled "boring work stuff".

alpaca diseases
May 19, 2009

Ork of Fiction
Jul 22, 2013
OP!!!

Post a picture of a dog w/ each confession so we can pretend it's that dog what has the embarrassing porblem.

Hedrigall
Mar 27, 2008

by vyelkin

Ork of Fiction posted:

OP!!!

Post a picture of a dog w/ each confession so we can pretend it's that dog what has the embarrassing porblem.

It would make that one where the dude and his wife like to gently caress dogs a lot more acceptable

H.H
Oct 24, 2006

August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I have become convinced that my parents are or were KGB (or similar) agents who started our family in America as a cover. There is little history of our family that I know of - they claim our grandparents died before we were born, so it got me to thinking. It all adds up - they always pushed socialist views on us as kids and when I went through a brief patriotic phase they were extremely angry about it. They were always really vigilant, overly so, and would drag us out of places back home for seemingly no reason.

On top of all that, when I did get a job with the government with clearance, they were in my opinion unusually interested in it and would poke and prod for details. I've asked them multiple times if they are agents of another government and they just laugh and when they realize I'm serious, they start telling me to go see a psychiatrist for "paranoid delusions". I'd never tell them anything classified, but my confession is I am leaning toward reporting them to the counter-intelligence department, I just don't trust them or anyone in my supposed family anymore.

quote:

Everyone who commented:
I'm the teacher goon who confessed earlier about hating education. Sorry, I'm purposely being vague on a few things because I know how easy it is to parse out details. I'm even going to the lengths of writing in an entirely different style.

I wanted to comment back on a few of the things said:
"Just a Job" - Honestly education has been my life for the past ten years. In the course of pursuing education, it's cost me two relationships and I've had to move to multiple states to try and find better positions. Being social studies is a tough gig to get in the door somewhere that's not complete poo poo and I'm not a jock so coaching isn't really an option. I'm a competent teacher, but I'm never going to be a superteacher like many places are expecting. I care about my job and want to do well, but it's become not so much about teaching as being really good at placating people even if teaching quality suffers. I've worked in urban schools (nightmare), rural schools (also a nightmare), suburban (actually nice if I could have gotten a teaching slot but +500 people apply for a single opening), and even a board school (again same problem as suburban). I've even seen school systems in another country which leads me to believe it's not all crap out there...but getting into those good positions are like winning the lottery and I'm not that lucky.

Blame - I'm glad someone noticed that I wasn't blaming the kids. I would place +90% of the blame on parents, the community, and hosed up regulations written by people who don't know what the gently caress they are doing. The kids are products of their environment, pure and simple. Only in about 10% of occasions would I say it's truly the kid that's solely to blame. And I don't think it's just a case of whitewashing the past, because right now I work at a very small school; so I know everyone there and see everyone daily. I'd say about 25% are doing what they are supposed to be doing, 50% are just coasting along, and 25% are truly in need of either serious help or a major kick in the rear end. With a low income percentage of 75% for the whole school, a lot of it is the effect of poverty that I'm dealing with and that's nearly impossible to turn around with the limited resources we have. I'm not cynical about the kids, I loving hate society at this point for making what should be a great job, into a goddamn nightmare.

Parent Advice - ASA, the best advice I can give based on what I see daily: 1. Don't teach your kids learned helplessness. That is to say, don't always come to the rescue, don't solve things for them, give them a chance to fail and learn from it. Way too many kids today won't even try because they learned if they don't, someone will just do it for them. A bit of resiliency goes a long way. 2. Learn to work smarter or deal with working harder. It was reinforced on me from a really young age that if I wanted to do anything beyond busting rear end in a factory, I better go get my education. Having self motivation and ambition is a good thing and will serve kids much more than just settling for less. 3. Don't let them be a douchebag. Seriously, there's no reason to treat others like poo poo. Manners, thoughtfulness, and concern for others are in really short supply (especially in middle school where kids are really poo poo to each other because it's all about self at that age). 4. Don't automatically dismiss what a teacher is calling home about. Yeah, there are some crap teachers out there, but honestly it's a very small percentage and most teachers just want to solve the problem, not listen to a parent try to pass the blame. A little bit of proactiveness on a parent's part can be incredibly helpful and teachers could really use that support from home. 5. Make sure you have consequences and teach your kids that there are rules, deadlines, and consequences in life. 6. Don't get them a ton of electronics until after middle school...make them be kids first. A middle schooler doesn't need a cell phone (or if they absolutely do, get them that calls home only phone) because in reality they are using it +99% of the time to dick around. There's more to life than having your face buried in your phone all the time...you wouldn't believe the number of disciplinary incidents we had this year that involved phones (bullying, drama, theft, etc). And don't loving call/text your kids while in class! For gently caress's sake, they are supposed to be learning...not talking to you. Not everything needs to be dealt with right at that second, it can wait until they get home.

People don't realize this but some of the best ed research out there places only about 30% of student achievement on the school/teachers, with 70% being outside factors like poverty, parents, etc. Yet 100% of accountability is placed on teachers with no accountability for students/parents. That's completely hosed in my opinion. Someone can miss +50 days of school and still it's the teachers fault???

old fat bird
Oct 27, 2007

by FactsAreUseless
what was the Illuminati one?? I don't feel like digging through tons of cuck fantasies and people that would legit be excused for committing suicide

Cowman
Feb 14, 2006

Beware the Cow





your parents aren't KGB you loving moron. they were interested because you're their child and you got a cool job.

CJacobs
Apr 17, 2011

Reach for the moon!
I really hope the insane KGB guy isn't being serious about reporting his parents

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
Report your parents and renew your Netflix agreement so you dint miss anymore episodes of The Americans.

A ILL BREAKFAST
Jun 9, 2007

*unsheathes katana*

CJacobs posted:

I really hope the insane KGB guy isn't being serious about reporting his parents

its not impossible

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Solice Kirsk posted:

Report your parents and renew your Netflix agreement so you dint miss anymore episodes of The Americans.

Yeah when I was reading that my first thought was "looks like someone just started watching the Americans". That, and someone desperate to inflate their job's importance in their mind. In my experience probably 95+% jobs "with clearance" are pretty mundane and highly unlikely to have access to anything interesting enough to spies. Even the cafeteria workers at research labs have (limited) clearance. Sounds like mom asked her computer janitor son how lunch was too many times and decided she was trying to access his super secret important knowledge of how much his lab/whatever spent on a hammer last quarter.

Like do you really think they sent agents to start a family in america in the off chance that maybe 20-30 years down the road their son may or may not get a job with a very off chance that it will be even of remote interest to their government?

Cowman
Feb 14, 2006

Beware the Cow





if it were real in any way the parents probably were just jokingly telling their kid to spill some secrets. I know I'd do that as soon as my kid got government clearance.

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar
There's also the fact that you have to go through a pretty thorough interview process with family/friends for clearance so if anything was off about his family history they would have found out about it. I guess that guy got lost on his way to the stdh.txt thread, like almost every other confession ever posted.

Ork of Fiction
Jul 22, 2013
Don't listen to the propaganda of these credulous internet Marxists! Fulfill your patriotic destiny and murder you are famil!!

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010



Gun Saliva

Cowman posted:

if it were real in any way the parents probably were just jokingly telling their kid to spill some secrets. I know I'd do that as soon as my kid got government clearance.

This and then I'd beat rear end if they said anything

Lol that this goon is gonna McCarthy mom & pop the old socialists

BigBadSteve
Apr 29, 2009

lil pissbitch posted:

I hope there's another confession soon...:wink:

Here's a mini one right now. I've recently taken to saying the phrase "Get feebly beefy" out loud to myself. I LOVE the way that it sounds, but I really hate the message. Getting Beefy became a bit of a mantra for me, encouraging me (and others) to get strong...but all along, the birth of the phrase was all about the way that it sounded, not what what it actually means. I appreciate that feeble is kinda like the inverse of beef in both letters and theme, and 'feebly beefy' is so much fun to say, but it's not strong and powerful! it's a pissy poo poo thing to say.

It's goddamn loving tearing me up inside It's not that dramatic, but there's def some cognitive dissonance happening in my Beef House these days

EDIT: Just found this: https://desustorage.org/r9k/thread/24810391/

I suggest you adopt the new mantra "REAL BEEFY BEAT FEEBLY".

Whorelord
May 1, 2013

Jump into the well...

I used to think that my parents were talking in code but as I got older I realised that they were actually talking about smoking weed

H.H
Oct 24, 2006

August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I'm a gay guy, and that's all fine and dandy.

But I'm beginning to loving despise the LGBT-whatever community + maybe hairs of progressivism, because it seems to be hellbent on skipping over the "G" part in favor of everyone else.

It's pure jealousy, but I keep seeing it pop up all over the place in gaming and it's giving me a complex. There's so many great portrayals of lesbians and lesbian relationships with tons of variety, from mature characters for who it's just a part of who they are to young punks who are feeling out their interests for the very first time - and there's almost nothing like that for gay guys. It's to the point that any time I see yet another lesbian relationship in a game I just get loving mad. Shadowrun: Dragonfall didn't even have any gay guys at all but was more than happy to make a main party member a lesbian, have several discussions about her ex-girlfriend, and a mission where you go and save her, among other things. Oh, and also an incidental lesbian couple in the background of another mission just to rub salt into the wound.

There's also a forums user (a heterosexual male artist) who's custom title is "Why would I draw dudes when I can draw literally anything else" and it also makes me gnash my teeth. It's supposed to be an aggressive snipe at the over representation of males in everything but it just comes off to me as a personal insult for being interested in men while simultaneously trying to come off as progressive despite putting down a sexual minority. gently caress you.

That's about it. Though I would like to know what video CJacobs and Fae talk about buying dragon dildos in.

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Putty
Mar 21, 2013

HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS
i can already tell you CJacob's dildos probably came from a lets play

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