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hello, friends! welcome to the cat intelligence research symposium. i hope you've all had a chance to grab some coffee and danishes. before we start, let's give a big hand to our colleagues over at kyoto university for finally getting mainstream recognition for their pioneering work in the area of shaking a box in front of a cat! at this point even undergraduate textbooks cover placing a cat inside a box, or shaking a cat in front of a box, but until now shaking a box in front of a cat has remained only a theoretical possibility. numerical simulations suggestion a fourth cat-box interaction, placing a box inside a cat, and i can only hope that i live long enough to see this phenomenon reproduced in the laboratory. but enough about kyoto university! this year's cat intelligence nobel may be all locked up, but we're here to hear about the latest research in the field. presentations will begin in 15 minutes, so if you need to use the litter box, now's the time! hahaha that's a little cat intelligence research humor folks
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Jun 17, 2016 21:16
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| # ¿ May 10, 2024 15:25 |
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our lab lured passing cats on the street over to a shell game with promises of easy money. a research assistant cat pretended to have just "won big", flashing a large wad of cash around, and explained loudly that she was going to go buy a hovercraft made of swarovski crystal before walking away from the table. in 36 of 50 trials the street cat fell for the scam and gambled away their drinkin money. verdict: not intelligent
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Jun 17, 2016 21:21
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we set up a hedge fund and gave 20 cat investment managers a million dollars each to invest as they saw fit. at the end of the year only 5 had beat the market, and it was revealed that 4 of those had achieved high returns only via an elaborate ponzi scheme. verdict: knuckleheads
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Jun 17, 2016 21:25
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we selected 43 cats with previously healthy parents and subjected their mothers to a high dose of gamma radiation, triggering the immediate development of terminal cancer. the cats were then provided with little white lab coats and adorable cat-sized test tubes and erlenmeyer flasks. not one of the cats was able to successfully develop a cure for their mothers' cancer. 13 simply bumbled around the tiny cancer lab knocking things over, while 8 pawned the lab equipment for booze money and the remaining 22 used the equipment and supplies we provided to synthesize an extremely pure "crystal blue" form of methamphetamine which allowed them to quickly dominate the local market. verdict: donkeybrains
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Jun 17, 2016 21:32
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JakeP posted:dag it took the OP 2 bumps and 10 minutes to get a pity reply during peak posting hours it's hard for the "man on the street" to understand cutting edge scientific research
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Jun 17, 2016 21:35
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JiveHonky posted:suck it jeff
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Jun 17, 2016 21:36
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we gave 18 cats a canvas and a selection of high quality oil-based paints and asked them to paint in the style of dutch golden age painter rembrandt von rijn. 3 cats painted anarchy-syndicalist manifestoes with anthrax mixed into the paint. 6 cats didn't seem to understand the assignment and produced impressionist works in the vein of monet. the rest produced passable rembrandts, but the brushwork and chiaroscuro lacked subtlety. verdict: buncha dingdongs
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Jun 17, 2016 21:44
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Dave_Indeed posted:A kid on the school bus told me he stuck a firecracker in a cats butt and lit it and then the cat exploded into guts and blood everywhere. I think he was full of poo poo though. smart cat imo. a big picture thinker
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Jun 17, 2016 21:46
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we snipped the headphone wire of 14 cats on the subway, forcing them to buy new ones at the nearest electronics store, where a research assistant offered them the choice of beats by dre or bose quietcomfort. 11 cats immediately pounced upon the research assistant and disemboweled them with their hind claws, then after contemplating the matter left the store with beats by dre. the remaining 3 cats elected to constructed their own headphones out of tin cans and string. verdict: more research needed
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Jun 17, 2016 21:50
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Sperghetti posted:A question if I may sir, in this ridiculous theoretical fourth box/cat scenario, is there any way to guarantee the well-being of this box within the cat? It's as if, by quantum mechanical theory, there exists simultaneously two alternate realities wherein the box both remains undamaged and junky and soggy with cat innards. we're constructing a box accelerator capable of slamming a box into a cat with the force of a thousand supernovas right now
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Jun 17, 2016 22:04
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reignofevil posted:Im Cat verdict: IDIOT
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Jun 17, 2016 22:41
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preliminary results are intriguing but i don't think we can come to any firm conclusions unless a cat encounters two workers carrying a sheet of transparent glass across the street as it's running away from an animal control officer who looks like snidely whiplash
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Jun 17, 2016 23:21
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CharlestonJew posted:Cats will ALWAYS buy the extended warranty they're fuckin retarded best buy employee: well, looks like everything's in order. your extended warranty is now active. cat: that's great. <slowly pushes 55" tv off of checkout counter>
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Jun 17, 2016 23:23
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| # ¿ May 10, 2024 15:25 |
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Serviette posted:Cats have it together. My cat just brought me a bird. You know I'm cooking that fucker up for dinner tonight! i really appreciate how they come with the entrails pre-removed and spread all over my porch
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Jun 18, 2016 00:10
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