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Just don't wear any underwear to court and piss yourself when the judge asks you stuff. Even better, poo poo diarrhea. You think they'll want to keep you after they see and smell that running down your legs? No way.
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Aug 7, 2016 06:04
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Read from the dictionary aloud in Emo Philips' voice.
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Aug 7, 2016 06:05
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Three obols a day is not much but it's better than two obols, hail Cleon!
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Aug 7, 2016 06:08
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Ask people if they've seen "Caligula" and then describe it to them, regardless of the answer.
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Aug 7, 2016 06:11
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jury duty can be fun over the course of a few hours i swayed the entire rest of the jury into finding a guy guilty of torture when they were gonna just completely let him walk because the were idiots and didnt understand the evidence or legal definitions what we didnt get to hear at the trial because a witness wasnt called by either side because she was a criminal herself (and therefore unpredictable enough to accidentally ruin either side's case if called) was that she had made a plea agreement where she admitted to having the defendent kill the plaintiff and stated that he was basically beating him to death with his bare hands before he briefly stepped outside to get something sturdier, thinking the victim was too injured to move and escape (whoops) whereas he had previously barred his escape among the evidence, we saw picture of a room basically covered in blood as in "how can a human body hold that much" blood and the other jurors were seriously buying into defense excuses such as "the plaintiff must've slipped and fallen down the stairs to the basement after he slipped and slammed his head into the wall and sink and toilet in another room upstairs" dont trust other members of the human race to be able to understand things, get on a jury yourself
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Aug 7, 2016 06:11
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CJacobs posted:Jury Duty is annoying because it takes you out of work- y'know, work, the thing you do to earn a living and survive in this world? Yeah you can't do that for a week or two. Compensate you? Ha ha ha we won't even pay for your lunch, fucker just have a job that pays you even if you dont go in
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Aug 7, 2016 06:12
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CANNIBAL GIRLS posted:just have a job that pays you even if you dont go in Makes me wonder how many people have been relieved to be on jury duty because they work a salary job
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Aug 7, 2016 06:14
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 Just wear this shirt and everything will work out.
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Aug 7, 2016 06:14
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gary oldmans diary posted:jury duty can be fun Can attest to that. I had to sway a few dudes to at least find the guy in my case as guilty of having sex with a minor (also exposing himself to a minor and one more charge), when a few of them just wanted to let the dude walk completely. Then you have dudes on the other side pushing hard, and stuff gets combative and you have to keep a level head and play nice with everyone. Still, it's kind of dumb to have a system that is prejudiced against low income people and rewards those who are stubborn enough to just dig in their heels.
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Aug 7, 2016 06:16
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Make jokes about the word "duty".
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Aug 7, 2016 06:16
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I'd like to try pulling some sovereign citizen bullshit to see what happens. my go-to one is that Andrew Jackson invalidated the US court system by ignoring the Supreme Court and congress legitimized it by not impeaching him, therefore the courts have not had jurisdiction since before the civil war. Last chance, desperate measure is to stand up and start screaming "Oh god the bugs are eating me alive, the bugs are eating me!" and wrecking the court room like I'm being swarmed. No one wants to sit in a confined box with a crazy person.
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Aug 7, 2016 06:26
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Just say that you were once a victim of whatever crime you are potentially serving on a jury for, and that you then cannot be impartial. It's easy, but irresponsible.
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Aug 7, 2016 06:36
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Jonny 290 posted:yeah just say "I am aware of and believe in exercising the power of jury nullification when justified" you are out 300% gone, no problemo, home for lunch i actually did this one time when i went in for jury duty just wrote down "im big into jury nullification" and they asked me about it in the selection so I just said "some laws are pretty stupid, let's be real" and then i scooted back to the house to be a lazy piece of poo poo
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Aug 7, 2016 06:49
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I was gonna do the "I'm a crazy leftist" excuse when I got called up the other year, but I didn't even get the chance. I was never called for anything, so I basically spent two days sitting in a very crowded room waiting for nothing to happen. I did not receive the check for twenty dollars they were supposed to send me, either. Might as well have not showed up. Fun fact: I was taking a piss in the special jury pool bathroom and heard a dude VIOLENTLY vomiting in one of the stalls. I went ahead and memorized his shoes because I was curious what was going to happen, and what he went ahead and did when he came out was return to his seat and wait for his opportunity to decide the fate of a stranger. Also there were some shelves of unpopular books donated by the public library, several of which had titles like "the truth about anorexia FOR TEENS." There was also an entire shelf of manga for some reason. I feel really bad for anyone that has to have a jury trial. Henry Fonda is not going to save you.
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Aug 7, 2016 06:55
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theres probably a sweet spot where you look very unattractive as a potential juror to both the prosecution and defense but also arent charged with terrorist threats by the judge
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Aug 7, 2016 06:55
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im thinking making GBS threads your pants is probably that sweet spot
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Aug 7, 2016 06:55
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If you really want to no-effort it just say you're "so sorry to have to admit it but I just don't like [minority that is part of the case]" and go home. Who gives a poo poo what some random judge thinks of you on a personal level. edit: or the null jury thing, if you do care
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Aug 7, 2016 07:01
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"IM sorry your honor, but I actually committed the crime in question, so you see I already know the defendent is innocent. "
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Aug 7, 2016 07:29
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I didn't go because I forgot. Later I got another summons at my address, but the name was different. I'm not particularly worried. I'm also on probation and somewhat scrutinized and nobody has said anything for like a year.
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Aug 7, 2016 07:40
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sorry, wrong thread
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Aug 7, 2016 13:38
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I try to get selected for Jury Duty because it means my job pays me for 10 hours so I can do 6 hours of jury duty, with 2 of those hours being lunch.
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Aug 7, 2016 13:49
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Jonny 290 posted:counterpoint, if you're on a drug trial with some poor brother getting strung up for weed, keep your loving trap shut It's important to be fair and impartial, so I would gladly convict anyone for a drug charge, so long as the prosecution can present testimony directly from the Lord Jesus Christ himself
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Aug 7, 2016 13:49
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You're honor every time I look at you - and I am including right now - I clutch myself through my pocket and hence can not concentrate.
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Aug 7, 2016 13:59
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a guy I work with said that he told the judge that he hates insurance companies and couldn't possibly be impartial in a case involving one, and the judge basically yelled at him for like ten minutes in front of everybody
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Aug 7, 2016 14:00
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Please link me to where I can buy this
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Aug 7, 2016 14:06
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I'd like a goon jury if I go to trial.
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Aug 7, 2016 15:01
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City of Tampa posted:a guy I work with said that he told the judge that he hates insurance companies and couldn't possibly be impartial in a case involving one, and the judge basically yelled at him for like ten minutes in front of everybody A friend of mine was being interviewed for jury duty once and he said the guy before him tried some lame trick like "sorry I'm racist and can't be impartial" so the judge flipped the hell out and assigned the guy to a different trial; some boring civil case. So definitely don't try to make it obvious. Personally I welcome jury duty. I get paid by my employer and the courthouse is way closer to my home than my job is.
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Aug 7, 2016 18:05
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Just throw away the summons, it's not like the court system sends it via certified mail
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Aug 7, 2016 18:08
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I've ways been partial to loudly announcing "I fuckin hate [slur for whatever race the defendant is]"
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Aug 7, 2016 18:37
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Bonus points if the defendant is your own race because it also scoops in on the crazy card
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Aug 7, 2016 18:37
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I just say that i jack off to episodes of Judge Judy and will find it very difficult to focus on the trial since ill be seeing a Judge in real life but don't want to wear rubber pants all day.
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Aug 7, 2016 18:39
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I say that if our boys in blue can walk out the door every day not knowing if they'll return home that night to ensure our safety, well by god the least I can do is trust their judgement and vote GUILTY.
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Aug 7, 2016 19:24
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if you're Catholic just say that you believe in original sin and thus, on some implicit level, we are all already guilty
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Aug 7, 2016 19:35
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I'm a God -Damned Nazi, here's my card. Your Honor. ... Yah, that's the ticket, that'll work.
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Aug 7, 2016 20:07
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A good friend of mine, who's been a semi-truck driver to/from San Francisco for like 20 years, got picked for a jury pool that involved a vehicular homicide case by an Asian defendant. When the judge asked him about prejudice, he said "I've been a truck driver for most of my life and, your honor, those people cannot drive AT ALL". The judge, obviously disgusted with him, jerked his thumb like an umpire "YER OUTTAH HERE", and he grabbed his stuff and left. As he got into the courthouse elevator to leave, two older ladies walked in behind him and, as it was descending, one of them whispered conspiratorially, "You only said what we all were thinking".
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Aug 7, 2016 21:04
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Ask the Judge if he's Jewish. Very politely.
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Aug 7, 2016 21:08
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 : Are you qualified?  : Hi there! Have you checked my mental health record? 
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Aug 7, 2016 21:20
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They don't call you for Jury duty if you are in prison. A friend told me.
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Aug 7, 2016 21:23
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The one time I was called in, I was pretty excited because it was a murder trial. I got picked and, while I do t have the patience to write it all out, it was like an episode of CSI. Dude got shot to death by an old man in his house. Old dude was running an illegal dentist office and tried to cover it up before the police arrived. He even stole the victim's phone and buried it. The police hear it ring underground and found pictures the victim took as he was dying. That fucker was found guilty and is going to spend the rest of his very short life under house arrest.
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Aug 7, 2016 22:50
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| # ? May 2, 2024 19:50 |
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Say you're a member of Al'Queda.
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Aug 7, 2016 22:52
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