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Say you're educated and have a masters degree in physics or some math / science poo poo. Lawyers don't want people who are smart and not easily manipulated.
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Aug 7, 2016 22:54
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"I'm an avid forensic scientist LARPER so I'd be perfect for this trial! Every week, some friends and I get together and try to solve crimes, both real and imagined. We've put together a pitch for Fox called 'Playing Detective" that this trial would be super for, because we'd be able to say we have a real criminal case experience! The plot is a modern day Sherlock Holmes where the cops have let crimes go unsolved, but the three of us get together and reenact crimes and use clues to solve the crime and the police end up taking all the credit. No one here can steal that idea, by the way, because it's in the court record now and we've already submitted a show bible to the Writer's Guild."
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Aug 7, 2016 23:07
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Could you just say that you're a chronic alcoholic and you cannot pull it together for a trial?
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Aug 7, 2016 23:08
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I keep trying to get on juries, but they never want me. 
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Aug 7, 2016 23:15
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I would like to see someone try to pull an Uncle Ruckus in court and see how fast they get dragged out by the bailiff ( obviously):https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK4XhR0lYlE
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Aug 8, 2016 06:03
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lol if you plan on claiming jury nullification without knowing how it works. They will test you on that poo poo, and it's better to listen carefully to the case and other jurors being sworn in before you go blindly yelling about legal terms. Don't be the idiot screeching about nullification on a domestic abuse case. Nullification is a real thing but it's good to know how it works and argue your view before you use it. The first time I got jury duty and was actually called up, I got some poor vagrant on cocaine possession charges. When asked if I could fairly judge the case, I told them I thought the whole thing unfair because our current US President was an admitted cocaine user. The DA didn't like that and went after me because I was one of the first jurors called and I guess she probably wanted to make a point. I kinda got in over my head - she questioned me back and forth for some time, and finally cornered me on whether or not I was able to fairly judge evidence to determine whether or not a law had been broken - ignoring my personal opinions. As soon as she said that I felt extremely glad, and told her I'd happily review any evidence but still vote to nullify. DA: "Nullify... interesting word. Juror #4 is excused" the defendant was Albert Einstien
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Aug 8, 2016 07:29
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The Royal Nonesuch posted:lol if you plan on claiming jury nullification without knowing how it works. They will test you on that poo poo, and it's better to listen carefully to the case and other jurors being sworn in before you go blindly yelling about legal terms. also they probably find it amusing to do so. these judges are all cynical old bastards who've seen all kinds of poo poo over past 20 to 50 years and don't seem to put up with that lazy boilerplate excuse poo poo.
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Aug 8, 2016 08:27
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dog buttz posted:I say that if our boys in blue can walk out the door every day not knowing if they'll return home that night to ensure our safety, well by god the least I can do is trust their judgement and vote GUILTY. Honestly if you can pass for John Q Wonderbread this is probably a pretty good move
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Aug 8, 2016 08:54
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If you can't pass for that, I don't know a single guy with face tattoos that has served on a jury.
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Aug 8, 2016 10:00
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"I am permabanned jury-member Niggerstomper58....."
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Aug 8, 2016 10:09
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An actual serious answer to the question you are asking is to say "I believe that if the police arrested this guy and the DA brings charges, he is guilty, as I trust the police." This has the added advantage of not getting you nailed for contempt/being a douchebag when you think you're being clever and mentioning Sonic and anarchy
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Aug 8, 2016 10:39
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Yolomon Wayne posted:"I am permabanned jury-member Niggerstomper58....." Someone already said pretend you are a cop.
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Aug 8, 2016 10:42
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This is super easy OP. "I know what jury nullification is" will get you out of any criminal case. Civil cases you can get away with just annoying the judge or saying you're not comfortable doing whatever it is they'd want you to do at trial (both is best of course).
Ignatius M. Meen fucked around with this message at 11:23 on Aug 8, 2016 |
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Aug 8, 2016 11:02
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Have a print-out of your GBS posting history.
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Aug 8, 2016 14:06
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I am sorry your honor but I must defend my Intercontinental Championship at Wrestlemania 27 against the defendant so I feel that I cannot be impartial
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Aug 8, 2016 14:07
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*in mouthbreathing monotone* "I'm a regular poster on the" *pause to breathe* "Something awful forums." *scratch neckbeard and poo poo pants*
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Aug 8, 2016 15:10
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I want jury duty because it is probably more interesting than my well paying but dull job. That said, I can't believe this wasn't posted: George Carlin posted:Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people
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Aug 8, 2016 15:48
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Just stab someone and get arrested. You can't be a juror if you are the defendant, it's a conflict of interest
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Aug 8, 2016 15:59
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it's very cool to live in a civilized country where verdicts are handed down by impartial professionals instead of a bunch of dumb idiots
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Aug 8, 2016 16:24
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generative grammer posted:it's very cool to live in a civilized country where verdicts are handed down by impartial professionals instead of a bunch of dumb idiots Impartial professionals are also a bunch of dumb idiots. They just have a fancy piece of paper to hang on their wall.
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Aug 8, 2016 16:54
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When I had jury duty they asked us if we thought "CSI style" evidence was valid evidence and made the decision based on our answers. My answer was "I don't know" and I didn't get picked. hth
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Aug 8, 2016 17:32
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I'm a racist piece of poo poo
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Aug 8, 2016 17:58
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wait whats thread is this?
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Aug 8, 2016 17:59
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generative grammer posted:it's very cool to live in a civilized country where verdicts are handed down by impartial professionals instead of a bunch of dumb idiots Considering that at LEAST 50% of the country is a bunch of dumb idiots, I'd say that qualifies to be judged by a jury of your peers.
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Aug 8, 2016 18:27
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I just say identify with the plight of the black man and they usually let me off the jury then take me out back and beat the poo poo out of me but hey no jury duty!
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Aug 8, 2016 18:28
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"Suck my dick you fuckman." If further questionned, say you like judges with big mouths because you have a big ol' donkey dick.
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Aug 8, 2016 18:34
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i'd just bring a printout of my post history with me
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Aug 8, 2016 18:45
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Moridin920 posted:i'd just bring a printout of my post history with me That would work. Being a lovely communist motherfucker in every thread counts for something.
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Aug 8, 2016 19:19
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Microwaves Mom posted:Say you're educated and have a masters degree in physics or some math / science poo poo. Lawyers don't want people who are smart and not easily manipulated. This is legitimately good advice. generative grammer posted:it's very cool to live in a civilized country where verdicts are handed down by impartial professionals instead of a bunch of dumb idiots You are free to request a bench trial if you want.
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Aug 8, 2016 19:51
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Dogmeat posted:You are free to request a bench trial if you want. I've had more than one person working in the justice system/industry that has told me 'bro just waive your right to a jury trial' because apparently not only are juries full of morons specifically picked because they are morons, but a judge will actually care about the letter of the law and 'shadow of a doubt' and things like that (at least a lot more than a jury would). it's probably good advice esp if you are white and unlikely to have a judge dick with you
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Aug 8, 2016 19:54
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Otoh you could get one of those judges who has a hefty stake in private prisons and now you're nothing but a fraction of a percent of profit for a contractor
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Aug 8, 2016 20:27
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Toadvine posted:Otoh you could get one of those judges who has a hefty stake in private prisons and now you're nothing but a fraction of a percent of profit for a contractor Yeah in most states a criminal case only takes convincing one clown out of twelve to your side to hang the whole jury. I don't know if those are better or worse odds than getting stuck with a poo poo judge.
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Aug 8, 2016 20:41
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"A trial should be a jury of one's peers and frankly...[look around conspicuously]...I don't think anyone in this room qualifies.  "
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Aug 8, 2016 20:57
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Toadvine posted:Otoh you could get one of those judges who has a hefty stake in private prisons and now you're nothing but a fraction of a percent of profit for a contractor Possibly but as of right now private prisons actually represent a very small percent of prisons - ~8% of the prison population in total. Dogmeat posted:Yeah in most states a criminal case only takes convincing one clown out of twelve to your side to hang the whole jury. I don't know if those are better or worse odds than getting stuck with a poo poo judge. Hung jury means first the court gives them an opportunity to change their minds at the last moment and even if they don't then it's just a mistrial and it all happens from the beginning again. Although granted your odds of acquittal in a mistrial go up significantly. All that assumes you aren't in a shitbird state like LA which will convict you with up to 2 jurors dissenting anyway. Moridin920 fucked around with this message at 21:05 on Aug 8, 2016 |
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Aug 8, 2016 21:03
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I thought hung jury meant something else. Guess that lawyer lied to me. :$
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Aug 9, 2016 18:35
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Moridin920 posted:Hung jury means first the court gives them an opportunity to change their minds at the last moment and even if they don't then it's just a mistrial and it all happens from the beginning again. Although granted your odds of acquittal in a mistrial go up significantly. It's not as good as being found not guilty, sure, but there aren't many DA's who are going to go to the effort and expense to try a case again when the result will almost certainly be the same. I've been on two hung juries and my ADA buddy says I should never get another jury summons because of that. That's another good point that rarely gets brought up: the courts most definitely keep a record of everything you say and maintain juror files, so be mindful of that if you think spouting off some insane poo poo is a good idea. They'll also collect your notes after the trial and add those to your files so make sure you draw them a nice dickbutt or whatever before you leave.
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Aug 9, 2016 19:14
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Apparently people with mental illnesses are allowed to serve on juries in Brooklyn. It was so much easier to get out of this in Queens. Also probably shouldn't be reading/posting in this thread on courthouse wifi but whatever.
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Sep 7, 2016 19:31
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BigBadSteve posted:If further questionned, say you like judges with big mouths because you have a big ol' donkey dick. If that guy will let all of us suck his cock I'm pretty sure we can get him a fair trial here. Can we get a court order?
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Sep 7, 2016 19:45
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When they bring the defendant into the courtroom act like you know him. "Holy poo poo, Steve!? They caught you huh? Good thing I got away!"
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Sep 7, 2016 19:57
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State you will exercise your right of jury nullification and know what it actually means If I was ever called on a drug related felony case I'd instantly want to do jury nullification because I hate the war on drugs despite not using them myself, something like 3-4% of drug related cases that go to trial end up with a nullification, which is pretty big considering how much of a hush hush secret it is kept. Of course that's like 3-4% of what, 5% of cases since most get settled out of court? C-SPAN Caller fucked around with this message at 20:15 on Sep 7, 2016 |
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Sep 7, 2016 20:05
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