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I guess I'll just start. My partner and I are expecting a baby. We didn't plan for it to happen; she was on birth control and I was using condoms (save for that one time that led me here). Anyway, we are both just starting our independent lives. She just got a place she's paying a mortgage on, and I graduated last December with my MA. I have been teaching university classes in the hopes of working up to a three year contract and eventually moving up to department chair at some community college. No with the baby on the way all of my plans are hosed, but that's life. As you may or may not have guessed my summer has been very stressful for me. With the coming baby, looming financial issues and the all around existential upheaval of all of this situation, I've been doing the best I can keep my head above water. I've been looking for work at several colleges and universities, but have become discouraged by the rejection letters and the tardiness of many employers to respond. To be frank, I would prefer not to come back to the university because the amount of work I need to do, I think is simply not worth the pay, but I am in a corner here. Teaching gigs pay absolute poo poo. Last semester I taught a total of 7 semester units at a major university and I only got something along the lines of 1200 per month. The amount of work I put into lesson planning, grading and delivering class was simply not worth it. Still, the option is currently on the table for me to come back to my Uni to teach 10 units (about 2000 before tax). Finally, I got word from a university 40 minutes away. I've been selected for an interview. Great! Unfortunately, the interviews start on August 25th - the same day we begin at my uni. Worse still, if I am hired, I wouldn't begin work until the start of the academic year at this new university, which is September 21st. I try to remind myself that "A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush", but I'm feeling a lot of pressure to go for that other job. My partner has recently been diagnosed with depression and it's hard for her to get out of bed sometimes. I feel confident in my abilities and I feel I good about a possible interview, but the problem is that I just don't know if I'll get the job. The hiring committee might not necessarily agree with my own assessment. I guess that's life. I suppose I'm feeling a bit guilty because teaching isn't the kind of work that would help me alleviate the work my partner has to do. No other opportunities have come up and I feel the urge to just keep on applying to other jobs even though I'm fairly certain that they might not get back to me until a month from now, based on all the other positions I've tried for. I want to do something, but there doesn't seem to be anything to do other than wait. Should I try for Uni and get the job, that also means I would have to ditch teaching at my university right in the middle. I already have a 10 unit load for this semester and so this means I'd be leaving around 90 students in the dust. I would also feel guilty about leaving. So in short, I feel stuck and guilty for not having something more to show for my efforts. I have tried telling my partner, but she doesn't seem to really see things my way. I explain that at least I have the teaching job that will bring in roughly 2k. She keeps telling me that I should just ditch the teaching and go for this possibility at the other uni as an academic advisor. The problem with that is that it is just not a sure thing. I would have to ditch teaching and go for this other job, but if I don't get hired, then I have $0 in income and I have student debts to pay off beside my other expenses bills. I would have to stretch the meager amount left in my checking account to last me until at least October; an impossible task, since my partner seems to become angry when I don't buy food when we're together. I mean like sandwiches at Togos or something. Sure it's relatively cheap, but when you have no in come, that poo poo builds up. I told my partner that I can always beef up my resume at my teaching job, and towards the end of the semester maybe a month and a half, I can apply again in the hopes of getting something by January. I've looked into covered California/ medical and the odds are very good that we would qualify for health insurance. She also has many thousands saved up to pay the mortgage off for 10 months (utilities are included at the complex; Also California doesn't count assets against you when applying for medical). My argument is that we will at least have some income, not what I had hoped, but enough income to live. Mortgage is roughly 14k, I could definitely help out with my wages and we would be covered with health care through medical or covered California.f I am wrong? Should I really ditch the teaching job and just keep on applying and looking for other jobs? I feel bad because she seems to think that my decision is stupid or something and I feel so damned stressed, I don't even loving know anymore. I've been sitting here in this cafe trying to start planning my classes that start in two weeks, but I feel paralyzed. I feel like I just need to do something. I need to keep applying, I need to keep looking. My partner keeps hinting to me that I'm not doing my fatherly/ manly duties. I am failing as a supportive parent by going with the teaching job. I would appreciate any thoughts. Also, we don't live together yet, but I plan to move in with her by September. In any case, I feel like would be more of a burden on her at this point :/ I would rather be able to contribute before I moved in. She is due on the second week of January.
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Aug 13, 2016 02:09
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I don't have any fantastic advice but having been at that level of stress before dude, I wish you the best of luck. Also it seems like maybe she is dumping her stress onto you by assuming you'll just fix everything and is getting mad that things aren't going the way she'd assumed they would? Regardless, you either need to tell her that she's being unhelpful and that you need to work together as a team, or you need to learn to tune her out (just in this situation) and focus on making the decision you think is best. Honestly? Take the teaching job but still go for the interview. If you get it, let the school know immediately and offer to assist them in finding a replacement or to assist your replacement in setting up lesson plans? It's not perfect but it covers you both ways. With a baby on the way, you need to make sure you stick with your set thing, even if you keep looking.
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Aug 13, 2016 02:27
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My phone hosed up and wouldn't let me post anymore. Basically, I would normally never advocate ignoring your partner but based on what you've said it seems like she's building up expectations and getting stressed, but perhaps isn't prepared to cope with it or help in any way. It happens. You need to try to tune out everything and organize your thoughts.
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Aug 13, 2016 02:30
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For some reason I can't edit my post. Anyway, I'd like to make a correction : the mortgage is only one 1.4k not 14k as previously stated.
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Aug 13, 2016 02:46
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Palisader posted:My phone hosed up and wouldn't let me post anymore. Basically, I would normally never advocate ignoring your partner but based on what you've said it seems like she's building up expectations and getting stressed, but perhaps isn't prepared to cope with it or help in any way. It happens. You need to try to tune out everything and organize your thoughts. Thanks for your input. I hear what you're saying. I guess I just feel bad ignoring my partner but the depression really doesn't help with this situation. Although I would like to avoid it, it is definitely an option to ditch out in the middle of the semester should I need to. I'm just a little worried that means I would never be able to teach at that institution again. Still, I have to do what I have to do.
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Aug 13, 2016 02:49
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Does your partner work? Can she? If you're teaching are you doing physical classes, online, or a mixture?
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Aug 13, 2016 03:11
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Raul Sinropa posted:Thanks for your input. I hear what you're saying. I guess I just feel bad ignoring my partner but the depression really doesn't help with this situation. And that's the correct approach. But in this situation, with being pregnant and potentially still adjusting to the hormonal changes, diagnosed with depression, and obviously very stressed out too, it's not far-fetched to assume that she's in a position where she can only think of things in terms of black and white. And it sounds like you're at the point where the enormity of the situation is simply paralyzing you. I'm trying to think of things logically--staying with your current job would give you the stability that you need right now, but going for the interview would take her desires into account. If you get the job then at that point you can weigh the pros and cons. If you decide that what they're offering isn't worth what you think you'll lose by leaving mid-year, then don't take it. It's not like you HAVE to accept the job offer.
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Aug 13, 2016 03:13
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defectivemonkey posted:Does your partner work? Can she? If you're teaching are you doing physical classes, online, or a mixture? Oh yeah, that's right, you never mentioned your partner's working situation. Does she intend on staying home with the baby? If she does work, does she get paid maternity leave?
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Aug 13, 2016 03:13
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Palisader posted:And that's the correct approach. But in this situation, with being pregnant and potentially still adjusting to the hormonal changes, diagnosed with depression, and obviously very stressed out too, it's not far-fetched to assume that she's in a position where she can only think of things in terms of black and white. And it sounds like you're at the point where the enormity of the situation is simply paralyzing you. I'm trying to think of things logically--staying with your current job would give you the stability that you need right now, but going for the interview would take her desires into account. If you get the job then at that point you can weigh the pros and cons. If you decide that what they're offering isn't worth what you think you'll lose by leaving mid-year, then don't take it. It's not like you HAVE to accept the job offer. You're right about the black and white thinking. I think that is where some of this pressure is coming from. I do my best to be a good listener with her, but when depression takes hold she can become agressive and hostile. I try to prevent myself from simply appeasing and becoming avoidant with her, but it's rough work. Taking the teaching job seems like a solid step for all the reasons you outlined, but I think my own thinking and judgement might have become clouded by having to deal with the lingering black cloud over my partner's head. I somehow didn't think of going to the interview while still employed at my uni. I think that's what I'll end up doing in the end to consider her wishes too.
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Aug 13, 2016 03:54
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defectivemonkey posted:Does your partner work? Can she? If you're teaching are you doing physical classes, online, or a mixture? I will be teaching in-person courses with online components to them, but they wouldn't qualify as other than in-person. She will be returning to work in about a week; unfortunately she's been having problems there for a while. It pays well and includes benefits, but her boss seems to do much to give my partner a hard time. The union has already mediated a dispute, but it's started up again and the last day ended badly. She's been looking for work with little luck herself. She did get one job a week ago. She spent four hours at the site on the first day before quitting the job because she had a panic attack and couldn't handle being there. She said it was the job that triggered the attack and that she could go back to her old job. Still, it isn't promising. She does another job part-time (5hrs per week) that she can add hours to if she needs or if she decides to quit her better paying job. I am just unsure how much she can handle.
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Aug 13, 2016 04:09
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Palisader posted:Oh yeah, that's right, you never mentioned your partner's working situation. Does she intend on staying home with the baby? If she does work, does she get paid maternity leave? If she can stand the 4 months of upcoming work at the well paying job, then she would take maternity leave for three months before quitting.
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Aug 13, 2016 04:11
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your best option here rhymes with "smasmorshin"
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Aug 13, 2016 04:46
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Raul Sinropa posted:She's been looking for work with little luck herself. She did get one job a week ago. She spent four hours at the site on the first day before quitting the job because she had a panic attack and couldn't handle being there. She said it was the job that triggered the attack and that she could go back to her old job. Still, it isn't promising. lmao yeah this is a person ready to be a parent
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Aug 13, 2016 04:48
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Your partner sounds like a real winner OP and not at all a burdensome source of many problems. Good thing a baby will fix this situation, otherwise you'd be in a real pickle!
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Aug 13, 2016 07:15
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why isn't she getting an abortion seeing as how you were both doing birth control & presumably didn't want a baby
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Aug 13, 2016 08:18
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This is so absurd to me (F, 27, Scandinavia) because I would have an abortion in this situation in a heartbeat. Hell, I'd have an abortion if I got pregnant now and my SO and I both have decent jobs, but we 1) don't want a baby 2) are not financially secure. Let me just say that no matter why abortion is not an option (too late/laws/whatever), the consequence is that you guys will now really have to want to love this baby (assuming you want to be good parents). My suggestion to you would be: - you need to make sure you have the best income you can handle. - you cannot jump on uncertain job possibilities, never quit a job unless you have a serious offer. If it's not a sure thing, don't risk losing what you have for the other job. - if possible, get out of the university system. Consider if you could get a decent paying job elsewhere, look around. Cut your losses - the baby is now more important than careering. To your girlfriend: - She needs to handle her issues. I'm guessing you're in the US and it's really tough being low income/without a safety net, but if she's depressed (understandable) and having panic attacks at the first day of a new job and then quitting over it, she really needs to get into some sort of therapy now (and continue - it's not gonna get less stressful when the baby is born). - You say she has mortage money saved up - well, a really good use of a chunk of that money would be to make sure she sees someone and gets mentally healthy(ier), because if not the baby is going to suffer more than you guys moving into a rented home. To you both: - You need to communicate well. You're doing a great thing by writing this out and asking for advice. Something your girlfriend needs to understand is that if she "doesn't see things your way", you guys still have to compromise. For example, maybe you keep your safe situation and rather do some extra tutoring or something like that. - Don't accept hinting, demand clear communication. - If you're not living together, chances are living together is not going to work out very well, especially with a newborn baby in the mix. If you get your communication in order and still love each other on the other end of this, you of course have a decent chance ... Also, you might seriously consider if it is actually a good idea to keep the relationship going. You can still be a good supportive father without being together (both economically and emotionally). You're bringing up a lot of points about her being angry, complaining, hinting, etc. (note: I don't know how you guys are feeling about each other and I might be off base/offensive here, I'm just saying this as an "accident" myself. My parents were really struggling economically and my father ditched my mother when I was a toddler - still, he has always been a great dad). Finally, you are not failing in this sitation. You're stressed out, paralyzed and trying to adapt to a "new world". That's fine. I'm sorry if I sound crass - that's not my intention. I think you did a good thing by writing this out and I'm sure you'll get some good advice here.
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Aug 13, 2016 10:50
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doop dee doo i'm going to pay good money for birth control & condoms oh whoops accidental insemination well i guess there's nothing we can do now
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Aug 13, 2016 12:45
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if only there were some way to undo an unwanted pregnancy in its early stages
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Aug 13, 2016 12:47
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maybe something involving a clothes hanger, or some kind of magical herb
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Aug 13, 2016 12:47
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Raul Sinropa posted:Also, we don't live together yet, but I plan to move in with her by September. In any case, I feel like would be more of a burden on her at this point :/ I would rather be able to contribute before I moved in. Jesus dude, move in with her. What are you afraid of, making a commitment? You've gotten her pregnant and it seems like you guys aren't considering terminating. So just move in together. You say you want to contribute before you move in. Don't you realize the economies of scale are waaaay better if you cohabitate? Also, just get married for crying out loud. I wouldn't normally make a suggestion like that so flippantly, but you're basically committed to her for the next 18 years, why not just make it official in the eyes of the gov't and start getting tax benefits. I want to say, "both of you guys need a reality check" but you'll be getting that in January with the arrival of Raul Jr. The best advice I can give you is, get lots of rest, enjoy the quiet time, and have sex as much as you can, even if it's weird, because it's gonna be weird for about a year after the kiddo arrives. If you can scrape together a few bucks, buy a decent camera or camcorder, don't rely on your cell phone. Also, buy and read "The Happiest Baby On the Block" this book earned us many hours of sleep those first few months, which everyone will tell you is the most precious resource for parents.
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Aug 13, 2016 14:33
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Raul Sinropa posted:If she can stand the 4 months of upcoming work at the well paying job, then she would take maternity leave for three months before quitting. It seems like it would make sense for her to try to work after maternity leave and you get a job with opposite hours so you can both work without having to pay for daycare. Do you have family in the area who are willing or able to help? The job obviously wouldn't be teaching (although I would focus on trying to get some online-only classes if possible maybe beginning in January) but anything that pays you cashmoney. Career trajectory took a backseat to feeding your family when you decided to keep the baby sorry. When is she due?
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Aug 13, 2016 14:42
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OP, do you know if her doctor has any sort of mental health treatment plan for her? I was on my medication for depression while I was pregnant, since it was classed as "better for your baby to take it and be healthy than not take it and be depressed" and between that and the pregnancy hormones, I felt emotionally better than I have in years. And my baby is 2 months now with zero ill effects from the wellbutrin. Ahem. Every woman is different of course, I just wondered if you knew whether she was looking at any sort of treatment plan for her depression.
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Aug 13, 2016 14:45
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Also, he mentioned that she was due in January, which means it's entirely possible she is too far along to have an abortion. It's weird to me how many goons jump into these threads to yell at the OP to have an abortion long after it's a possibility and, in this case, at the person who can't make that decision anyway. But then I think of abortion as something really personal so the idea of telling someone else to consider that seems really intrusive.
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Aug 13, 2016 16:43
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I don't know what Universe you guys live in, but I can't think of any jurisdiction that won't perform an abortion with less than 20 weeks having elapsed. Any date in January puts you around 17-19 weeks. Go get an abortion or break up with her, tell your parents, and let them bail you out. Since apparently you have difficulty making decisions.
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Aug 13, 2016 17:04
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that is not poverty wages you both need to grow up
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Aug 13, 2016 17:27
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I'm as pro-choice as anyone, but if the pregnant woman wants to keep the pregnancy, it's a perfectly valid choice and it's just as much her choice to make as if she chose to have an abortion. I mean, certainly raise the subject of "uh, have you considered an abortion?" but I wouldn't say something like, "hey, honey, you should have an abortion."
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Aug 13, 2016 17:49
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You don't feel ready to be parents? Then don't be parents. Situations like this are what abortions are for.
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Aug 13, 2016 17:56
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PT6A posted:I'm as pro-choice as anyone, but if the pregnant woman wants to keep the pregnancy, it's a perfectly valid choice and it's just as much her choice to make as if she chose to have an abortion. As someone who recently had a surprise pregnancy, I would be absolutely floored if this conversation had not already happened.
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Aug 13, 2016 18:13
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Lot of abortionchat but no mention of adoption. What does she do? Union + panic attack, my guess is nurse? What's up with her money -- you said she mad a mortgage for only $1,400, but she has "many thousands" saved up to pay it off over 10 months? That makes no sense. sex idiot posted:that is not poverty wages you both need to grow up
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Aug 13, 2016 18:54
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i like nice words
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Dr Cox MD posted:Jesus dude, move in with her. What are you afraid of, making a commitment? You've gotten her pregnant and it seems like you guys aren't considering terminating. So just move in together. You say you want to contribute before you move in. Don't you realize the economies of scale are waaaay better if you cohabitate? This is the worst advice. I thought you were being sarcastic at first. Don't move in with and get married to someone just because she is pregnant. "Do it for the kids" never worked for previous generations and it certainly won't now. Unfortunately, real life doesn't work like a romcom where our plucky hero just needs to marry the girl for everything to work out. Your girlfriend sounds like a mess who should have worked on her own issues before getting into a relationship. Doesn't sound like you can communicate well, and she doesn't seem in any way supportive. Your relationship sounds like a mess that under normal circumstances wouldn't last or provide either of you with any lasting happiness where both parties support and fulfill each other. Adding a baby is just going to make everything harder and exacerbate underlying issues, not improve them. If you're both determined to keep the kid, keep in mind that just because you're a father doesn't mean you have to stay with the mother.
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Aug 13, 2016 20:48
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Wickerman posted:I don't know what Universe you guys live in, but I can't think of any jurisdiction that won't perform an abortion with less than 20 weeks having elapsed. Any date in January puts you around 17-19 weeks. This seems like outstanding advice.
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Aug 13, 2016 21:03
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defectivemonkey posted:Career trajectory took a backseat to feeding your family when you decided to keep the baby sorry. Now is when a career is a pretty vital component of feeding a family. I don't mean this in the sense of he's "too good" for that, but an actual career provides far more financial stability and a better future than "cashmoney now" jobs. It's not like a teaching postgraduate with no other relevant industry work experience is going to get anything beyond retail/food service/call centre type jobs right now. Someone who has paid the opportunity cost of postgraduate study is far better off pursuing their career than stopping to get random "whatever" jobs. Him going from entry level professional work to a minimum wage mcjob isn't going to help feed a family. But you're right, his girlfriend needs to work too and more importantly sort out whatever issues are causing her to quit or plan to quit her jobs while expecting the OP to do what she tells him with regard to his job.
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Aug 13, 2016 21:07
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OP your partner sounds like a crazy person.clammy posted:why isn't she getting an abortion seeing as how you were both doing birth control & presumably didn't want a baby Palisader posted:As someone who recently had a surprise pregnancy, I would be absolutely floored if this conversation had not already happened. Dr Cox MD posted:Jesus dude, move in with her. What are you afraid of, making a commitment? You've gotten her pregnant and it seems like you guys aren't considering terminating. So just move in together. You say you want to contribute before you move in. Don't you realize the economies of scale are waaaay better if you cohabitate? Raul Sinropa posted:I'd be leaving around 90 students in the dust. I would also feel guilty about leaving. Raul Sinropa posted:If she can stand the 4 months of upcoming work at the well paying job, then she would take maternity leave for three months before quitting. Raul Sinropa posted:Finally, I got word from a university 40 minutes away. I've been selected for an interview. Great! Unfortunately, the interviews start on August 25th - the same day we begin at my uni. Worse still, if I am hired, I wouldn't begin work until the start of the academic year at this new university, which is September 21st. 
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Aug 13, 2016 21:08
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Yeah, how about adoption? I might have missed something, but it doesn't sound like either of you are happy about becoming parents. If this is a bad time for you, there are plenty of people who are ready to support a child and would love to adopt, and open adoption could be a possibility, too.
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Aug 13, 2016 21:12
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Splicer posted:I expect it went "Honey have you considered an ab-OH GOD I'M SORRY please stop crying the Togo's staff are watching" Possibly. Our conversation went more like "so this happened 4 years after I said I was too old to have kids, should we consider having an abortion?" and he said "That's ultimately your decision" and then we decided we actually wanted a baby. So maybe I'm giving too much credit. Splicer posted:Take the teaching job, but blow a vacation day and go to the interview. If you get the other job, take it. It sucks for the students but that's what happens when a university pays its teachers beans Exactly this.
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Aug 13, 2016 21:15
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lizard_phunk posted:This is so absurd to me (F, 27, Scandinavia) because I would have an abortion in this situation in a heartbeat. Thank you for your feedback I would like to add that she is seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, so she's working on her issues right now. Still, progress can be slow-going. My partner will have some episodes and some last longer than others, this one I think will be a longer episode because of the situation. When the meds kick in and therapy begins to take off, I expect to see a more optimistic outlook from her. In the mean time, I've got to keep as level as I can. When she's fine, she's been able to work 50+ hours per week. With regards to the abortion- the moment for that is long gone now, and that option is not on the table. Paraphrasing another goon- It is a personal decision and one I cannot make for her. Whatever she chooses is valid. In this case we're keeping the baby and that means I will have to make some personal and professional decisions that I may not have planned for myself at this stage in my life. I have come to accept the situation as it is and I will work to be as supportive as I can. It's not ideal right now, and I agree that I am not ready, but who really is? I am simply less ready than others.
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Aug 13, 2016 21:59
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defectivemonkey posted:It seems like it would make sense for her to try to work after maternity leave and you get a job with opposite hours so you can both work without having to pay for daycare. Do you have family in the area who are willing or able to help? The job obviously wouldn't be teaching (although I would focus on trying to get some online-only classes if possible maybe beginning in January) but anything that pays you cashmoney. Career trajectory took a backseat to feeding your family when you decided to keep the baby sorry. Due second week of January. We both have family in the area, so that is a resource we both can tap into for day care, giving us some work flexibility. After maternity leave we will likely both work, but she will be looking for a new job then.
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Aug 13, 2016 22:02
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Palisader posted:Also, he mentioned that she was due in January, which means it's entirely possible she is too far along to have an abortion. It's weird to me how many goons jump into these threads to yell at the OP to have an abortion long after it's a possibility and, in this case, at the person who can't make that decision anyway. But then I think of abortion as something really personal so the idea of telling someone else to consider that seems really intrusive. Thank you! I understand where that's coming from, but that's her choice and I stand by my partner's decision as her right to decide what happens with her body.
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Aug 13, 2016 22:05
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Dr Cox MD posted:Jesus dude, move in with her. What are you afraid of, making a commitment? You've gotten her pregnant and it seems like you guys aren't considering terminating. So just move in together. You say you want to contribute before you move in. Don't you realize the economies of scale are waaaay better if you cohabitate? We are not necessarily committed for the next 18 years, but I see what you're saying. I'm avoiding moving in right now superficially because of monetary reasons, but also because living with a depressed partner right now will likely impair my own judgement and sanity during an important time. Once the meds kick (which could be a month or more from today), then I will begin that process.
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Aug 13, 2016 22:09
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Enfys posted:Now is when a career is a pretty vital component of feeding a family. I don't mean this in the sense of he's "too good" for that, but an actual career provides far more financial stability and a better future than "cashmoney now" jobs. It's not like a teaching postgraduate with no other relevant industry work experience is going to get anything beyond retail/food service/call centre type jobs right now. Someone who has paid the opportunity cost of postgraduate study is far better off pursuing their career than stopping to get random "whatever" jobs. Him going from entry level professional work to a minimum wage mcjob isn't going to help feed a family. Thanks for this, I was thinking career is over, when, no that's not true. The poo poo I wanted to indulge in I can no longer do, but I can pursue a career. Also, I think the work situation with her will improve when the meds and therapy kick in.
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Aug 13, 2016 22:14
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