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 Eyes on the prize, everyone, as the new Bundesliga season draws near! The prize being second place since we all know Bayern are going to win the league for an unprecedented fifth time in a row barring some unlikely, spectacular disaster. As always, we're going to discuss all the other competitions in Germany and the national team as well in an effort to distract us from the mindcrushing dominance of the Munich juggernaut.  Bundesliga The Bundesliga is Germany's top flight in which 17 teams compete for the places behind Bayern. The past season proved that this can be mildly entertaining, featuring highlights such as the valiant effort of Darmstadt, Werder managing to escape relegation again, the start of Wolfsburg's ongoing collapse, and the continued misadventures of Schalke 04. The upcoming season will not feature Hannover 96 and Stuttgart who both finally paid the price for being consistently poo poo for years. We welcome back the sympathetic team Freiburg and their temperamental manager Christian Streich. Also, the inevitable happened and The Teams  Fußball-Club Bayern München e. V. (aka FCB, Bayern, Dusel-Bayern) Founded: 1900 Official colours: red and white Home ground: Allianz Arena (71,901) Biggest rival: All of them except Bochum Current Manager: Carlo Ancelotti Domestic titles: Championship: 1932, 1969, 1972, 1973, 1974, 1980, 1981, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1989, 1990, 1994, 1997, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2008, 2010, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 German Cup: 1957, 1966, 1967, 1969, 1971, 1982, 1984, 1986, 1998, 2000, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2008, 2010, 2013, 2014,2016 Second Place Trophy: 1970, 1971, 1980, 1988, 1991, 1993, 1996, 1998, 2001, 2004, 2009, 2012 International titles: Champion's League: 1974, 1975, 1976, 2001, 2013 Cup Winner's Cup: 1967 UEFA-Cup: 1996 After three years of Pep destroying football, Bayern have a new manager in Carlo Ancelotti. Some players have indicated they're already enjoying the freedom he gives them over Pep's meticulous micromanagement. He inherits a strong squad and while some cleaning out and new signings have been made, there's no doubt Bayern's still on top of the crop. They signed German international Mats Hummels and Portuguese wunderkind Renato Sanches while getting rid of shitcloggers like Pierre-Emile Höjbjerg, Sebastian Rode and Mario Götze. Players you should know: You probably already know most of them from international competitions. Young Renato Sanches had a good Euro and will look to parlay this into a strong showing in his first year at a real team in a real league. Why you should root for them: They win things. You likely know a lot of these guys from the Euro. Thomas Müller's quirkiness. Xabi Alsonso's rugged handsomeness. Why you should hate them: They win too much. Bayern winning everything is boring. Their fans are boring/terrible/entitled. Arjen Robben.  Ballspielverein Borussia 09 e. V. Dortmund (aka Borussia Dortmund, BVB) Founded: 1909 Official colours: yellow and black Home ground: Signal Iduna Park (80,720) Biggest rival: FC Schalke 04 Current Manager: Thomas Tuchel Domestic titles: 1966, 1992, 2013, 2014, 2016 Champions: 1956, 1957, 1963, 1995, 1996, 2002, 2011, 2012 German Cup: 1965, 1989, 2012 Second Place Trophy: 1966, 1992, 2013, 2014, 2016 International titles: Champions League: 1997 Cup Winners Cup: 1966 Following a terrible 14/15 and the departure of the beloved Jürgen Klopp, Thomas Tuchel righted the ship and steered Dortmund back into second place. Not surprisingly, since he's considered one of the best managers Germany currently has. The squad has taken some hits by the departures of Hummels and Mkhitaryan and lightened the load of the medical staff by offloading Gündogan to Pep's City. However, they also made some smart signings, bringing in Schürrle, Ousmane Dembélé, Marc Batra, and the returning Mario Götze. The rumors that Mario Gomez's escape from Turkey will bring him to Dortmund have been rebuked for the time being. Players you should know: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang is their top offensive talent. Marco Reus missed the Euro due to injury, but still is one of Germany's finest. Mario Götze will seek to revitalize his career after years on Bayern's bench. PL fans will probably remember the likes of Nuri Sahin, Shinji Kagawa, and André Schürrle. Why you should root for them: The technocratic touch Tuchel embodies and that has sprung over to the team and the supporters. You want to cheer for the team that has the best (albeit still small) shot at dethroning Bayern. Why you should hate them: The technocratic touch Tuchel embodies. Fans starting to feel entitled after a couple of good years.  Bayer 04 Leverkusen Fußball GmbH (aka Bayer, Werkself, Vizekusen) Founded: 1904 Official colours: red and black Home ground: BayArena (30,210) Biggest rival: 1. FC Köln Current Manager: Roger Schmidt Domestic titles: German Cup: 1993 Second Place Trophy: 1997, 1999, 2000, 2002, 2011 International titles: UEFA-Cup: 1988 The same procedure as last year, Mister Völler? The same procedure as every year, frankenfreak! Leverkusen have consistently made it into the Top 5 since 09/10 and this season should be no different. They have a fine squad with some depth that has changed little over the summer. Christoph Kramer concussedly wandered onto a train and ended up back in Mönchengladbach. Meanwhile they brought in Hoffenheim's striker Kevin Volland and Mainz midfielder Julian Baumgartlinger. Players you should know: Hakan Calhanoglu will score some sweet free kicks again. Kevin Kampl is a young(ish) midfield talent. Up front, Stefan Kießling, Kevin Volland, and Chicharito will form a force to be reckoned with in whatever configuration. Bernd Leno is a fixture on the national team's bench and a very good keeper in his own right. Why you should root for them: A talented team that usually plays attractive football. Pity because they can't consistently sell out their small stadium. Why you should hate them: They're the original plastic club funded by Bayer. Rudi Völler's aggressive ranting. You loving hate Leverkusen's loan bullshit.  Borussia Verein für Leibesübungen 1900 Mönchengladbach e. V. (aka Borussia Mönchengladbach or "Die Fohlen") Founded: 1900 Official colours: black, white and red Home ground: Stadion im Borussia-Park (54,067) Biggest rival: 1. FC Köln Current Manager: André Schubert Domestic titles: Championship: 1970, 1971, 1975, 1976, 1977 German Cup: 1960, 1973, 1995 Second Place Trophy: 1974, 1978 International titles: UEFA-Cup: 1975, 1979 "The other Borussia" had a rough start into the 15/16 season that prompted their manager Lucien Favre to resign on his accord. Scrambling for a replacement, the club appointed André Schubert as an interim manager. Despite his previous mixed record at small clubs, he managed to turn the ship around and got himself installed permanently. It's a good bet they'll make it into Europe again this year, but where exactly they'll place will depend a lot on how certain teams like Wolfsburg and Schalke will perform. Players you should know: The returning Christoph Kramer is probably best remembered for the concussion he suffered in the 2014 World Cup final. Raffael is a journeyman striker. Lars Stindl, Patrick Herrmann, and André Hahn are other important players. The name Hazard is also well-known, even though you'll only find Eden's younger brother Thorgan here. Why you should root for them: You want to follow a rock-solid team that can upset the top clubs on a good day. You are attracted by their 1970s legacy, including Günter Netzer's fabulous hair. Why you should hate them: You'd prefer more of a spectacle. You already root for another team from Northrhine-Westphalia.  FC Gelsenkirchen-Schalke 04 e.V (aka Schalke 04, S04, „Die Knappen“, “4-Minuten-Meister”) Founded: 1904 Official colours: blue and white Home ground: Veltins-Arena (61,673) Biggest rival: Borussia Dortmund Current Manager: Markus Weinzierl Domestic titles: Championship: 1934, 1935, 1937, 1939, 1940, 1942, 1958 German Cup: 1937, 1972, 2001, 2002, 2011 Second Place Trophy: 1972, 1977, 2001, 2005, 2007, 2010 International titles: UEFA-Cup: 1997 UI-Cup: 2009, 2004 Schalke has proven to be a rather inconsistent club, winning away versus Real Madrid while losing against some small time club in the league in a week. The squad has plenty of raw talent, but have consistently managed to squander it in exciting ways. At the start of this season, hopes this will change are high once again. This time, however, their new manager is someone to be excited about. Markus Weinzierl has managed small Augsburg to some notable performances over the years and now looks to improve his reputation even further at his first big club. Despite the goodwill towards Weinzierl, we will watch with bated breath for the on of thread's most consistent source of schadenfreude to deliver again. Players you should know: Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting, Sidney Sam, and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar make up a solid offense, supported by new 27.5M € signing Breel Embolo. Leon Goretzka, Johannes Geis, and Max Meyer are young midfield talents to watch. Naldo and Benedikt Höwedes are experienced defenders. Why you should root for them: True working class roots. Feeling like a plucky underdog despite competing for a top 4 finish with a talented team. You like Markus Weinzierl from his time as Augsburg manager. Why you should hate them: Noveau riche thanks to taking on debt/Russian gas money. Club run by bellends (i.e. Clemens Tönnies).  1. Fußball- und Sportverein Mainz 05 e.V. (aka Mainz 05, Karnevalsverein) Founded: 1905 Official colours: red and white Home ground: Coface Arena (34,034) Biggest rival: SV Wehen-Wiesbaden, Eintracht Frankfurt to a degree Current Manager: Martin Schmidt The club that brought Jürgen Klopp and Thomas Tuchel to prominence, Mainz made the best of a bunch of other teams collapsing around them and managed to get into European competition spots. Traditionally, Mainz rely on being a strong collective supplied with a good match plan to beat their opponents. Still, they lost midfield mainstay Julian Baumgartlinger to Leverkusen and keeper Loris Karius to Liverpool. While Mainz have a bit of a reputation for having a good eye for value transfers, they made use of that sweet, sweet Europa League dough to tie down former loanee Jhon(sic!) Córdoba and signing names like Jean-Philippe Gbamin, Gerrit Holtmann, Jonas Lössl, José Rodríguez, and Christian Clemes for an unprecedented total of over 20M €. Players you should know: As alluded to in the writeup above, Mainz thrive on forming relative unknowns into a formidable collective. One standout from the current crop is Yunus Malli, an attacking midfielder who was the team's top goalscorer in 15/16. Why you should root for them: You like Karneval, but neither Cologne nor Düsseldorf. Why you should hate them: You like Karneval, but prefer Cologne or Düsseldorf.  Hertha BSC Berlin (aka Die Hertha) Founded: 1892 Official colours: blue and white Home ground: Olympiastadion Berlin (74,244) Biggest rival: Schalke Current Manager: Pál Dárdai Domestic titles: Championship: 1930, 1931 Second Place Trophy: 1975 After their return to the Bundesliga in 1997, Hertha was a club full of ambition befitting the club from the nation's capital. Years of misguided actions and overpaying for mediocre players culminated one Champions League run, but ultimately led to turmoil and relegation. Most years, people in the capital pray the club simply stay up. Last year was a bit of a break as they surprised everyone with a seventh place finish, taking advantage of the other half of the league sucking really bad. While the team remains largely unchanged, a repeat performance seems unlikely. Players you should know: Slovak international midfielder Ondrej Duda joined the club this summer as did striker Vedad Ibisevic (previously on loan from Stuttgart). Salomon Kalou is another mainstay in their offense. John Anthony Brooks, an American international and a solid central defender, and the fullbacks Mitchell Weiser and Marvin Plattenhardt make up a decent defense. Why you should root for them: Berlin.  You find the fact that the club’s named after the steamboat on which it was founded quaint.Why you should hate them: Berlin.  Their fans are an aggressive bunch prone to demolishing their own stadium. Verein für Leibesübungen Wolfsburg Fußball GmbH (aka VfL Wolfsburg, “Die Wölfe”) Founded: 2001 (1945) Official colours: green and white Home ground: Volkswagen Arena (30,000) Biggest rival: The plastic fans really don’t care Current Manager: Dieter Hecking Domestic titles: Championship: 2009 German Cup 2015 Second Place Trophy: 2015 Holy poo poo, what a dumpster fire! After splashing out money in an attempt to solidfy their spot in the Top 3, Wolfsburg spectacularly collapsed in 15/16 and missed out European competition altogether. André Schürrle and Max Kruse already left the club and Julian Draxler is looking to get out after only one year at the club. This has escalated into a public spat with Klaus Allofs and Dieter Hecking and does not bode well for the upcoming campaign. There's still players willing to take the Volkswagen money and their usual summer shopping spree has not been impacted much by their bad 15/16. Players you should know: Germany's midfield jewel Julian Draxler (while he's still there). Bas Dost is their central striker and the best scorer remaining after Schürrle and Kruse left. Yannick Gerhardt, Jakub Blaszczykowski, and David Didavi are new, possibly exciting, midfield signings. Defensive midfielder Luiz Gustavo is as good as even, although better known for his time at Bayern as is his fellow Brazilian, central defener Dante. You might also remember Jeffrey Bruma, a 10M € signing from PSV, from his time at either Chelsea or HSV and wonder why in the world you would pay that kind of money on him. Why you should root for them: You fondly remember Roy Präger. You fondly remember Grafite and how to pronounce his name. Why you should hate them: They're a plastic club funded by VW. They're as boring as their city.  1. Fußball-Club Köln 01/07 e.V. (aka Der FC) Founded: 1948 (merger of two clubs founded in 1901 and 1907) Official colours: red and white Home ground: RheinEnergieStadion (49,968) Biggest rival: Bayer Leverkusen, Fortuna Düsseldorf Current Manager: Peter Stöger Domestic titles: Championship: 1962, 1964, 1978 German Cup: 1968, 1977, 1978, 1983 Second Place Trophy: 1965, 1973, 1982, 1989, 1990 Another year, another solid mid-table finish for Köln. Although a lot of teams terribly sucked last season, Köln's performances were solid enough that you can say they would have finished there even with some more competent opposition. They lost midfielder Yannick Gerhardt to Wolfsburg and have (so far) only spent part of that 13 million Euro windfall. Instead, they signed Darmstadt's Konstantin Rausch and Hamburg's Artjoms Rudnevs on frees and spent a combined total of 5.1 million Schalke's Marco Höger and Lille's Sehrou Guirassy. Solid business that won't propel the up the table, but certainly makes for a team that should manage another solid mid-table finish. Players you should know: Jonas Hector has (somewhat baffingly) become a fixture on the German national team as a full-/wingback. Striker Anthony Modeste is their main goalscoring threat. Timo Horn is a young, talented keeper who is surely on the shortlist at some bigger clubs. Why you should root for them: You like Karneval, but not Mainz or Düsseldorf. You think Kölsch is actually beer. They have a live animal mascot. Why you should hate them: Poldi is not here anymore. You're rooting for another club from along the Rhine.  Hamburger Sport-Verein e.V. (aka HSV, Rothosen) Founded: 1887 Official colours: blue, white and black Home ground: Imtech Arena (57,000) Biggest rival: St. Pauli, Werder Bremen Current Manager: Bruno Labbadia Domestic titles: Championship: 1923, 1928, 1960, 1979, 1982, 1983 German Cup: 1963, 1976, 1987 Second Place Trophy: 1976, 1981, 1984, 1987 International titles: European Cup: 1983 Cup Winners' Cup: 1977 "H-H-H-S-V!" is a classic chant of Hamburg supporters, "Ha ha, HSV!" is what we post when the league's prime source for schadenfreude delivers again. The club itself was notoriously torn apart by the egos of its board members whose feuds were well chronicled in the local tabloids which has prevented any sense of realism arriving about their steady decline. After two years of fending off relegation in the playoffs, they managed to stay away from relegation with a 10th place finish because there were eight (8) teams worse than Hamburg. Of course that means their return to greatness is right around the corner and it's time to spend big club money on signings from Stuttgart and *double-checks* Barcelona. Players you should know: Striker Pierre-Michel Lasogga is a solid talent and will get some support or competition from 14 M € signing Filip Kostic from relegated Stuttgart. Alen Halilovic is aforementioned signing from Barcelona. Lewis Holtby and Aaron Hunt are journeymen midfielders. René Adler is an experienced and more than solid keeper. Defender Emir Spahic has repeatedly made headlines for disciplinary slips. Why you should root for them: You genuinely think they're just one step away from the big turnaround. Why you should hate them: You find the backroom chaos endearing or just delight in schadenfreude. Or you still just want the club to be finally punted into the 2. Bundesliga.  Fußball-Club Ingolstadt 04 e.V. (aka Die Schanzer) Founded: 2004 Official colours: red and black Home ground: Audi Sportpark (15,000) Biggest rival: Rivalries need a history first Current Manager: Markus Kauczinski A relatively new team, formed by the merger of two other Ingolstadt teams in 2004. Moving quickly from the 4th division to the second, they secured their first ticket to the Bundesliga by winning the 2. liga in 14/15. Their first season saw a solid 11th place finish. Another team that relies on being a strong collective with few standout players. The reshuffling of managers has propelled Markus Kauczinski into the Ingolstadt seat. Judging by what he has accomplished with Karlsruhe, he should be able to make the best of a pretty nondescript team. Players you should know: Uhh... umm... Marvin Matip and Tobias Levels are journeyman defenders you might have heard of before. Why you should root for them: They have an American player in Alfredo Morales. Why you should hate them: As if the Bundesliga needed another team from the middle of nowhere funded by a gigantic corporation.  Fußball-Club Augsburg 1907 e. V. (aka FC Augsburg, FCA) Founded: 1907 Official colours: red, green and white Home ground: SGL arena (30,660) Biggest rival: TSV 1860 München Current Manager: Dirk Schuster After winning a lot of sympathies among thread regulars by being a small team overachieving for several seasons, Augsburg settled into a midtable finish last year. They also lost their highly touted manager Markus Weinzierl to Schalke and replaced him with Dirk Schuster. Schuster has lead Darmstadt's valiant campaign to stay up last year, but it remains to be seen how well his skills translate to Augsburg's environment. It will be interesting to see, no doubt. Players you should know: Striker Alfred Finnbogason is their big (4 million Euro) summer signing. Caiuby is a fixture on the left wing. Ja-Cheol Koo is somewhat of a standout as an attacking midfielder. Daniel Baier is a solid defensive midfielder. Halil Altintop should not be confused with his (arguably more talented) twin brother Hamit. Jan-Ingwer Callsen-Bracker has a funny name (his first name translates to Jan-Ginger). Why you should root for them: You like overachieving underdogs. You like the risk that the mediocre bunch will not overachieve this year. Why you should hate them: Um... errr... hmmm... Ah! I got one: they might stop overachieving.  Sport-Verein Werder von 1899 e. V. Bremen (aka Werder Bremen, Werder, “Die Fischköppe”) Founded: 1899 Official colours: green and white Home ground: Weserstadion (43,789) Biggest rival: Hamburger SV Current Manager: Viktor Skripnik Domestic titles: Championship: 1965, 1988, 1993, 2004 German Cup: 1961, 1991, 1994, 1999, 2004, 2009 Second Place Trophy: 1968, 1983, 1985, 1986, 1995, 2006, 2008 International titles: UI-Cup: 1998 Cup Winners’ Cup: 1992 Once a goon favorite, Werder have fallen far from grace. For years, they've been battling with relegation threats, barely escaping last year with a win over Frankfurt in the last match of the season. Manager Viktor Skripnik has at least made the team somewhat exciting to watch again, in a "anything can happen" sense. The transfer window saw them lose midfielder Jannik Vestergaard to Mönchengladbach and striker Anthony Ujah to Chinese money for a combined 24 million Euros. So far they have resisted temptation to splash out, but have signed Max Kruse from Wolfsburg for a solid 7.5 million who returns to the club where he started his professional career. Players you should know: Max Kruse is no doubt a talented striker, but has made more news as a poker player and the guy who lost 75,000 € in a cab lately. Claudio Pizarro is still sticking around. Another old man has joined the club on a free - no other than the man, the legend, the sweatpants: Jaroslav Drobny. Why you should root for them: You still believe they're just one step away from returning to their early 2000s form. Why you should hate them: Their sponsor Wiesenhof is a terrible company. You realize they’re far, far away from their early 2000s form.  S.V. Darmstadt 98 (aka Die Lillen) Founded: 1898 Official colours: blue and white Home ground: Merck-Stadion am Böllenfalltor (17,000) Biggest rival: Kickers Offenbach Current Manager: Norbert Meier Since the creation of the modern Bundesliga, Darmstadt have been in the top flight just twice (78/79 and 81/82). They followed up that success with a lengthy stretch of financial mismanagement that saw them go as far down as the fourth division by the late 90s. After finally getting their poo poo together around 2012 and being promoted to the third league via their fiercest rival's own financial problems, they surprised everyone by getting the 2nd spot in the 2. league for the 14/15 season, thus securing promotion to the Bundesliga after 33 years. They warmed the hearts of fans for their uncompromising defensive tactics and playing in a stadium that looks like a throwback to the 80s. They lose points this year for letting Marco Sailer's magnificent beard leave the club, losing key players, and appointing Norbert Meier as their new manager. Even in their second season they remain captial-U Underdogs; transfermarkt.de estimates their squad's total value at 19.85M € - compared to Ingolstadt's 34M and Freiburg's 44.6M as second and third lowest respectively and Bayern's 582.15M. Players you should know: None. If there is a team of unknowns punching way above their weight, it's Darmstadt. Why you should root for them: Still the biggest underdog the league has to offer, they went from 4. liga to 1. liga in just five seasons. Why you should hate them: You support Frankfurt. Norbert Meier is their manager.  Turn- und Sportgemeinschaft 1899 Hoffenheim e. V. (aka TSG, Hoffe, 18.99, Hoppenheim) Founded: 1899 Official colours: blue and white Home ground: Rhein-Neckar-Arena (30,150) Biggest rival: real fans, maybe VfB Stuttgart to a certain extent Current Manager: Julian Nagelsmann In his youth, Dietmar Hopp played football for TSG Hoffenheim and 27 years later, he decided to give something back and help the small town club. In between, Hopp had founded SAP, a multi-billion euro enterprise, and had become a billionaire himself. He pumped considerable amounts into the club, including training center and a new stadium. And of course a lot of players, although Hopp and Hoffenheim have avoided really big transfers. A turbulent season saw them plunging down the table after two solid mid-table finishes. Somewhere during their battle against relegation they appointed Julian Nagelsmann, then 28 years young, as manager. Hailed as something of a prodigy, he has to prove the advance acclaims by turning the tide and getting a solid finish this year with an improved (despite the loss of Kevin Volland) squad. Players you should know: Striker Andrej Kramaric has been signed from Premier League winners Leicester City for 10M € (after being loaned last season). Kevin Vogt is coming off a strong season with Köln. Journeyman Ádám Szalai returns to the club after being loaned out. If you've been following the Bundesliga, the name Sandro Wagner will no doubt ring a bell. Why you should root for them: Hoffenheim matches are rarely boring. Pity because no one likes them. You buy into the romantic illusion of the club from a small village making it to the big leagues. Why you should hate them: They're a very, very plastic club. Despite their pledges of focussing on youth development, most of their young talent is still bought and paid for.  Eintracht Frankfurt e. V. (aka Die Adler, SGE, Schlappekicker, Launische Diva) Founded: 1899 Official colours: Red, black and white Home ground: Commerzbank-Arena (51,500) Biggest rival: Kickers Offenbach Current Manager: Niko Kovac Domestic titles: Championship: 1959 German Cup: 1974, 1975, 1981, 1988 International titles: Cup Winners' Cup: 1980 The "moody diva" managed to live up to her name and had a turbulent 15/16 season that ended with them in the relegation playoff where they managed to completely outclass their opponents Nürnberg. Players you should know: Alexander "Alex" Meier is talented offensive player and fan favorite, but also 33 years old now. Makoto Hasebe is an experienced and solid defensive midfielder. Right back Timothy Chandler is here for Americans to cheer and for us to make "waddles like a duck" jokes. Why you should root for them: Last year's OP said "You like Peruvian bullies", but, alas, Carlos Zambrano has left the club, so I'm seriously drawing a blank. Why you should hate them: Their fans are terrible bunch who once hailed themselves "German rioting champions".  Sport-Club Freiburg e.V. (aka SC Freiburg, SCF) Founded: 1904 Official colours: Red and white Home ground: Schwarzwald-Stadion (24,000) Biggest rival: VfB Stuttgart Current Manager: Christian Streich Everyone's second favorite club is back. As is their temperamental manager Christian Streich. They won the 2. Bundesliga in dominant fashion. Staying up will be a struggle, but I don't think anyone anywhere expects anything else. Players you should know: Nils Petersen has banged in goals regularly since donning a Freiburg jersey (after sucking wearing Bayern and Werder colors) and will be a key player in their effort to stay up. Why you should root for them: They're the original sympathetic underdog small-city small club. Why you should hate them: You're tired of the hipster and alternative crowd that likes to attach to them. Or you're a big enough hipster that they're too big of a club for you.  RasenBallsport Leipzig e.V. (aka RB Leipzig, RBL, Die Roten Bullen, Brausekicker) Founded: 2009 Official colours: Red and white Home ground: Red Bull Arena (42,959) Biggest rival: everyone outside of their sad own contingent of fans Current Manager: Ralph Hasenhüttl In 2009, Red Bull took over fifth-flight team SSV Makranstädt, renamed the club (avoiding certain restrictions, such as outright calling it Red Bull Leipzig), and started pumping money into the club to elevate it to the Bundesliga. After seven season, they have now arrived. The mastermind behind this was Ralf Ragnick who works as director of football and sometimes manager. For their Bundesliga debut, they appointed Ingolstadt's Ralph Hasenhüttl as new manager. They will continue to flaunt their Red Bull money and make signings such as Timo Werner from Stuttgart for 10M € or Naby Keïta from sister club Red Bull Salzburg for a whopping 15M €. Yes, they're here to stay. Players you should know: Marcel Sabitzer, Timo Werner, Yussuf Poulsen, and Davie Selke are their main offensive threats. Dominik Kaiser and Rani "Not Sami" Khedira are midfield mainstays, and new signing Naby Keïta should make an impact based solely on his price tag. You might remember defender Marvin Compper from his time at Gladbach and Hoffenheim. Why you should root for them: Football is dead anyway. Why you shouldn't root for them: This is the most plastic of plastic clubs the Bundesliga has seen to date. 2. Bundesliga Seeing as we have quite a number of (more or less) regular posters that support teams in Germany's second flight and we had two fairly big name relegations, I decided to add a short rundown on the league's clubs for the uninitiated. VfB Stuttgart: Finally got the receipt for years of terrible football and squandering considerable talent, Stuttgart are nevertheless the odds-on favorite to go back up immediately. Manager Jos Luhukay is right at home in these spheres and should make the best of a squad that naturally lost their best players, but made a bunch of solid signings befitting their new station. Hannover 96: Despite a dismal finish as a distant last, Hannover are looking to get back up to the Bundesliga. They've signed a lot of offensive talent, but their midfield looks thin and their defense merely acceptable. 1. FC Nürnberg: After losing the relegation playoff, Nürnberg are feeling the financial crunch and had to downsize a bit going into this season. Surprisingly, this didn't include the fantastically talented Guido Burgstaller (yet). New manager Alois Schwartz still has a solid foundation to build on, although promotion seems like too tall an order this year, no matter what the club officially says. FC St. Pauli: The club with the cool kind of brown shirts, the pirate/left-wing/alternative image made a valiant push last season, but fell short of promotion. If legendary manager Ewald Lienen can continue on that form and at least one of the top 3 falters, they might have a chance. (Pand says: "No, they don't!") VfL Bochum: Managed by Gertjan Verbeek - who might not just look like a mad genius - Bochum have a bit of a problem in the form of the loss of their dominant striker Simon Terodde to Stuttgart. Replacing a player who scored 25 goals in the league is no small task, but if they somehow manage, Bochum can be contenders again. 1. FC Union Berlin: Eisern Union have been a midtable fixture in their seven seasons in the 2. Bundesliga. There have been some flirts with a higher calling, but few would realistically expect this unexciting team to make a push for promotion this year. Jens Keller being their new manager doesn't help inspiring confidence either, despite signing Kroos (Felix). Karlsruher SC: Probably punching above their weight under Markus Kauczinski, KSC managed to finish 5th, 3rd, 7th, and 7th again under him since he had lead them back up from the 3. Liga. Now that he's gone, it remains to be seen if they remain an upper mid-table team or fall behind under their new manager, Thomas Oral (Hehe, hehe.  ).Eintracht Braunschweig: Wow, Thorsten Lieberknecht has been their manager since May 2008(!). The team has fallen back into the 2. Liga midtable since their promotion in 12/13 and the subsequent unceremonious relegation in 13/14. They spent a lot of 15/16 in the 4th-7th range, dreaming of promotion, but collapsed towards the end of the season. Can they repeat that or will they just be a midtable presence this year? SpVgg Greuther Fürth: For a long time, Fürth would constantly flirt with promotion only to fall short by a hair. Then they finally went up in 11/12, promptly went back down and went to poo poo. Well, that might be putting it a bit harshly, but they've not really been the constant contenders ever since. Unless something goes terribly wrong, they should remain solidly midtable, though. 1. FC Kaiserslautern: The last season was not a good one for Lautern. After flirting with promotion ever since being relegated in 11/12, they fell down to a 10th place finish. Looking at their squad doesn't inspire much confidence in a better 16/17. 1. FC Heidenheim: Another midtable team that had a mixed 15/16 with some ticks upward. From a small town in Baden-Württemberg, they lack the financial punch to force their way to do much better and are probably happy to just be here. Arminia Bielefeld: Once a team ping ponging between 2. Liga and the top flight, Bielefeld went on to ping ponging between the second and third flights. In their second year back in the 2. Bundesliga, it remains to be seen where their journey goes next. SV Sandhausen: Another team from a small town in Baden-Württemberg (smaller than Heidenheim, even), Sandhausen are somehow going into their fifth year in the 2. Bundesliga, never finishing better than 12th. Having lost their long time manager Alois Schwarz to Nürnberg and replacing him with a guy who hasn't actually coached at a truly professional level before doesn't bode well. Fortuna Düsseldorf: Since their relegation in 12/13, Fortuna have slipped down slowly, but surely, finishing 6th, 10th, and 14th in the past three seasons, going through managers like they're going out of style. Friedhelm Funkel is the current man on the hotseat and used to working under this sort of pressure. It remains to be seen if he can stop the club's decline, though. 1860 München: Despite being backed by Jordanian money, Sechzig have fallen way behind their own expectations. Not to mention that their money man Hasan Ismaik doesn't really help to stop the constant turmoil in and around the club. Battling relegation for the past two years, they'll at least try to be better this year. They'll get help from journeymen like Sascha Mölders, Stefan Aigner and *double-checks* Ivica Olic. Dynamo Dresden: Returning after a two year absence, it's Dynamo and their rabid, riotous fans. Those are more likely to produce headlines than the team. Still, last year's 3. Liga champions look like a good bet to stay up. Erzgebirge Aue: Somewhat surprisingly, Aue return after only one year in the third flight. In the past, their time in 2. Bundesliga has been spent mostly battling relegation and there's little indication this time would be different. Fun fact: The son of former German national team keeper and World Cup winner Andreas Köpke plays for them - as a striker. Würzburger Kickers: After scratching their way to the third place in 3. Liga after a bad start into the season, Würzburg saw off Duisburg in the relegation playoff in surprisingly dominant fashion. That, however, is no indication that they have what it takes to stay up. Their manager is Bernd Hollerbach, best remembered as a no-nonsense tackler back in his day. When are they playing? The German Bundesliga usually plays all games of a matchday in "one" piece. No "x games in hand" crap to keep in mind unless winter or rain strike really hard. The standard Bundesliga weekend looks like this:
If you're unsure if there are games, ask Wazza's Magical Fixture Link. Resources Bundesliga.de (German/English) - The league's official site and decent news source Kicker (German) - Germany's biggest sports magazine (which means football + a couple of pages of other stuff), website can be a bit of a pain to navigate The Guardian (English) - The Guardian's Bundesliga section (Trigger warning: Rafa Honigstein) ESPN FC (English) - ESPN's Bundesliga coverage (Trigger warning: usage of the s-word) Kicktipp (German/English) - A "guess the score" game. Don't forget to tipp your kicks! Serious Business The last two seasons have seen several posters foolishly  ing themselves for their terrible teams or lovely players. Will this year be different? Watch this space.Go for Silver! It's the Germany way!  This OP is an evolution that has gone on for several years now. Thanks to everyone who helped with their contributions and corrections at any point! frankenfreak fucked around with this message at 19:48 on Aug 14, 2016 |
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Aug 14, 2016 17:52
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As a postscript to last season, the Football Player/Coach of the Year 15/16 awards have been announced today. Thomas Müller takes home the the silver medal!  Thomas Tuchel gets his first taste of second place in the Football Coach of the Year awards.  And on the women's side we have 1. FFC Frankfurt's Mandy Islacker. The actual winners are Jérôme Boateng, Dirk Schuster, and Alexandra Popp respectively.
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Aug 14, 2016 17:52
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Tonight, we give out the first trophy of the year to the loser of the Supercup. Given that the country's two best teams are competing, so it could be anybody's ga... Tuchel: BVB vor Duell mit Bayern nicht in Bestform Nevermind.
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Aug 14, 2016 17:53
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Let's have an enjoyable season of shitposting (and also football I guess??), my fellow Hitlers
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Aug 14, 2016 17:58
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supercup ?! more like poopercup lmao !
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Aug 14, 2016 18:49
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this will be the year I really get into the Bundesliga, unlike the last 3 years I said I would. I'll go with Dortmund I guess since Stuttgart were too lovely to even stay up. I'm sure that, with my support, they will be able to stay within 15 points of Bayern until after the Winterpause
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Aug 14, 2016 18:51
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Neuer, Hummels, Thiago, Ribéry, Martínez, Lewandowski, Alonso, Lahm, Vidal, Müller, Alaba Bürki, Passlack, Sokratis, Bartra, Schmelzer, Castro, Rode, Dembele, Kagawa, Ramos, Aubameyang
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Aug 14, 2016 18:59
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I will be a plastic for whatever team my mom's cousin is at which is *checks transfermakt* Berliner FC Meteor 06 they don't seem to be in the OP tho???
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Aug 14, 2016 19:23
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Lets go Not Bayern!!!! Also hi hitler friends.
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Aug 14, 2016 19:23
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lol Zdf hyping the supercup 
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Aug 14, 2016 19:26
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Hm Supercup or womens gymnastics. Hm. Hmmmm
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Aug 14, 2016 19:25
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Smirr posted:Hm Supercup or womens gymnastics. Hm. Hmmmm both has little girls flopping around !!
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Aug 14, 2016 19:26
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Pand posted:both has little girls flopping around !!  loving rack em
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Aug 14, 2016 19:28
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"Jedem Kind eine Chance" with Ribbery on the pitch, very problematic imo.
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Aug 14, 2016 19:29
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Pand posted:both has little girls flopping around !! Reus isn't playing though
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Aug 14, 2016 19:29
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Btw I managed to travel to Trondheim last tuesday without knowing about whatever that Real vs Sevilla equivalent of this garbage was until like 30 minutes before kickoff. Just a heads up to "Ironically" Not Caring About Football Crew
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Aug 14, 2016 19:41
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Smirr posted:Btw I managed to travel to Trondheim last tuesday without knowing about whatever that Real vs Sevilla equivalent of this garbage was until like 30 minutes before kickoff. Just a heads up to "Ironically" Not Caring About Football Crew What?
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Aug 14, 2016 19:44
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Oh hey a game of little import is going on.
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Aug 14, 2016 19:45
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loving ribery lmao, forever a oval office.
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Aug 14, 2016 20:00
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its getting feisty 
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Aug 14, 2016 20:01
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Should've been red
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Aug 14, 2016 20:02
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Yeah, same as last year really.
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Aug 14, 2016 20:02
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Jesus, Dembele is pretty good.
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Aug 14, 2016 20:04
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Nice miss. x2
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Aug 14, 2016 20:10
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The "supercup" is unimportant trash, but this game is nice. Go Dortmunds.
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Aug 14, 2016 20:18
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Is there a Something Awful kicktipp group for the Bundesliga? If so, I would like to join.
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Aug 14, 2016 20:19
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I am not watching this game
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Aug 14, 2016 20:23
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Ibogaine posted:Is there a Something Awful kicktipp group for the Bundesliga? If so, I would like to join. https://www.kicktipp.de/goons/ Hasn't been updated for the upcoming season yet though
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Aug 14, 2016 20:24
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Jaja I'll do it later tonight
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Aug 14, 2016 20:24
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Katana Gomai posted:Jaja I'll do it later tonight https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF5W-Z5o68E
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Aug 14, 2016 20:39
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Vidal did a thing
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Aug 14, 2016 20:47
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haha vidal owns, gently caress dortmund.
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Aug 14, 2016 20:48
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mullerdance.gif
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Aug 14, 2016 21:07
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The first müllerdancing.gif of the season
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Aug 14, 2016 21:08
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Never in doubt Bayern would clinch this first super important title of the season.
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Aug 14, 2016 21:11
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It's a cup, so of course Carletto would lead us to it.
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Aug 14, 2016 21:11
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I'm raising my left eyebrow in celebration
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Aug 14, 2016 21:19
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Dunban posted:https://www.kicktipp.de/goons/ Thanks! I just signed up.
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Aug 14, 2016 21:23
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Congrats, Dortmund, on winning the first second place of the season!
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Aug 14, 2016 21:31
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Champions of Germany. A historic day today. I can hardly believe it.
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Aug 14, 2016 21:39
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