Lucien's Shop of Oddities

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Lucien's Shop of Oddities

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Hi my name is (not) Lucien and this is my wonderful shop of magical oddities. I am here to serve all of your hubristic desires. Want a ditty that will make people give you money? I have a tune that will BURY you in currency. Need a bigger dick? My dick cream will make it groe up to 3x its original size and make you impotent.

State your desire, it can all be yours for the low price of one relatively minor drawback.

We are now open for e-commerce. Connect to us by saying "www.luciensoddities.com" while spinning thrice widdershins at any crossroad!

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 01:34

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# ¿ May 8, 2024 06:58

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Orkin Mang posted:

im spinning with her fibulas at the crossroads but nothings happening. anyway id like a bag of holding pls

The bag sucks you in and attempts to hold you indefinitely upon its first use. :smug:

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 01:40

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Vegetable posted:

the only oddity here is you, OP

Don't you disrespect me little man. Don't you derogate or deride. You're in my world now, not your world. And I got friends on the other side. (He's got friends on the other side).

That's an echo gentlemen. Just a little something we have in louisiana. Just a parlor trick, don't worry.

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 01:47

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

vols bitch posted:

i want a dollar

The dollar makes any nearby furries want to furpile with you. They prove to be unstoppable. RIP.

satanic splash-back posted:

i liked that one episode of rick and morty too

No X plz.

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 01:49

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Orkin Mang posted:

then throw some couches and vittles my way, friend

Whoops almost missed this. Apologies fren, one item per customer.

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 01:53

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

OctoberBlues posted:

Thread had 5 potential, it's right at a 3 though.

I wished upon my own store for gold. It was only anthracite.

Guess my powers dont work on myself.

Iron Prince posted:

is there something that can make me jizz "French style"

I.... Well.....

Ahem.

Mr. Customer. My deepest apologies. It seems that ~~hell~~ my associates and myself hath no knowledge of this "jizzing french style". As recompense for this failing, we reward you a voucher for an item with lesser than normal drawbacks.

Again, we sincerely apologize.

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 02:01

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Peebla posted:

I would please like a twin brother who is super nice and friendly and beloved and I am the evil one because I do not look good with a goatee and I would like an excuse to wear one anyway. Please do not curse me. Thanks pal! (Also I would like to have the larger penis between the two of us. Thank you, god bless!)

Uh. Let's see. Here's a mirror that does that. It doesn't have any additional curse. That is uneeded, since you are freely consigning your heart to evil. I'm not the nice elderly chap who is trying to teach you a valuable life lesson about hubris. I'm (not) Lucien.

st1LL_51ngl3 posted:

Y'all got any cursed titty magazines in here?

Sure, sure. We have ones that will make you grow tits, ones that show tits so fantastic that real tits will no longer do it for you, ones that will attract tits (such that you are buried in tits and suffocate), ones that will make your so grow perfect tits and turn into a raging bitch who makes your life hell, all that sort of thing. It's against store policy to allow you to take your pick, because for example maybe your so is already making your life hell; we are all about personalized service. So if you could help narrow down the effect you'd like your skin mag to have on your life?

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 02:11

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

st1LL_51ngl3 posted:

*Adjusts trucker hat* Honey! Come check this out! 'Lesser... key... of... Solomon'. Heh! Don't look like no key I never seen. More like a big circuit diagram or one o' them D&D maps Gerald and his nerd friends like to play on.

Hey buddy! I like this Nee-Kro-No-Mee-Kawn fer my coffee table. Give ya *rifles through jeans* 28 bucks for it.

An excellent choice, ser. It gaurantees limitless cosmic knowledge and the power to bring lost loved ones back to your side. It comes with a free double barrelled 12 gauge shotgun. The gun is off the books btw.

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 02:14

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

st1LL_51ngl3 posted:

Well see, thing is... I'm on a lotta long hauls, usually 'tween Dallas and the east coast. Gets kinda lonely out there at times, so, like, maybe a titty mag that comes to life and she's like my soul mate and a true reflection of my inner self, but then she turns into a horrible bitch and I realize it's cuz I'm ugly on the inside and I try to change but then it's too late and I die in a accident while rushing back home to apologize to my wife and dumb kid and try to reform my ways but, like, the magic magazine chick is latina?

Yes, that would be acceptable. (except when you get the book she's going to be laotian hahahahahAhahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaa!) but we have a strict policy of one item per customer. Limitless cosmic knowledge, or the hateful love slave?

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 02:17

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

VendaGoat posted:

Do you just have a regular ol' wife op?

AMIRITE guys?

I'm kind of the embodiment of pride and self love. I don't go in for that kind of thing.

Also for mocking the proprietor you turn into a goat that dispenses vending machines.

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 02:24

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

st1LL_51ngl3 posted:

Well you see this ring on my finger? Means I already got me a hateful love-slave ahahah you get what I mean buddy!? *slaps you on the back heartily but overly hard and buffoonishly* so, uh, guess I'll take the book and-- wow! What's that wrapped in? Leather? Fancy!

*chuckles politely* Indeed.

Yes, real leather of the finest quality, painstakingly hand-crafted from a selection of the finest free-range specimens and preserved with all natural ingredients!

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 02:29

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

VendaGoat posted:

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *CHA-CHUG*

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *CHA-CHUG*

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 02:30

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Sid Vicious posted:

i would like to purchase a copy of time magazine from a different universe where Hitler one and it's called The Rhein magazine or something lol

When you recieve it, it is titled "The Reicht Stuff", dated "september 3rd 2016" and has a picture of a smiling aryan couple with two infants and a toddler splashed gayly across thr cover.

Upon opening it you are instantly transposed with the gender figure on the cover which is most befitting your sexual and gender orientation and left to live out a banal, middle-class aryan american parenthood existence without any hope of tacos or all the things jews make like movies and stuff, or falafel or chinese food or yoga or yogurt or anything else that makes life worth living. Heil! Heil! Heil!

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 02:41

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

a hole-y ghost posted:

here's $3 I'm just going to piss on your face thanks

Your mouth fills with poo poo and your ears overflow with vomit for attempting to molest the proprietor.

Warm und Fuzzy posted:

Mogwai me.

Your new living furby is cute as hell and makes for an absolutely fantastic masturbation aid. But if you use it as such it spawns a horrific array of lilithian monstrosities, similiar only in their boundless rapacity and hatred of life.

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Hello, I would like 10 single pages of blank narrow ruled notebook paper, no binder holes thx.

This paper. It's fantastic! The grain is almost unbelievable, and writing upon it is a euphoric, transcendant experience. After you and the paper are spent, you shuffle back to the beginning to reread what you are sure is either an opus or a revelation.

"All work and no play" begin the words in your own handwriting "makes John a dull boy."

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 04:09

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Tom Gorman posted:

GIMME THE DICK CRAEM

That item has already been taken. Here's a penis pump that will make your dick larger but not also upgrade your girth, so it will be hilariously skinny and streched out looking.

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 04:13

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Tom Gorman posted:

STILL AN UPGRADE

whoops. Well what can I say, nobody's perfect. We're all just human and make mistakes sometimes, right guys? Heh. Hahahahaha. BwahahahahahahahaHAAAAAAAAAA!

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 04:17

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

RandomPauI posted:

What could I get for a fingercut that hurts and takes a while to heal but then is good as new?

You seem to be missing the core deal we offer here. A miracle for a curse. That's it. No naturally healing injuries will be tendered nor accepted.

THE DOG HOUSE posted:

Can I just use your restroom please

It's that way but beware it's Golgatha back there.

Ork of Fiction posted:

I want an endless supply of edible razor blades. From here on out I ain't gonna eat nothing but razors!

You're actually at the wrong place. You're looking for the cenobites. Luckily I happen to know those guys and happen to have a puzzle box laying around. Keep in mind this isn't my normal line of business, so no guarantees. Otherwise enjoy.

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 13:05

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Angry Birds Suicide posted:

International Monetary Fund (IMF) AfricaRegional Office Benin Du Republic

ATTENTION,

THIS IS THE RECEIPT OF YOUR EMAIL, ORDER FROM THE IMF OFFICE HERE, IN RESPECT WITH THE PROVISION ACT OF DECREE FBI AUTHORITY CONSTITUTION;I AM DIRECTED TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT" TO THE TUNE OF $2.4 MILLION US DOLLARS ONLY HAVE VERIFICATION AND CONFIRMATIONS ARE CORRECT. THEREFORE, WE ARE HAPPY TO INFORM YOU THAT ARRANGEMENTS HAVE BEEN CONCLUDED TO AFFECT YOUR DELIVERY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND IN OUR BID TO TRANSPARENCY. YOUR SKEPTICISM IS UNDERSTANDABLE AND NOT WITHOUT MERIT.

THE REQUIRED FEE OF $95.00 DOLLARS FOR THE IMF INTERNATIONAL CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE CAN BE SEND THROUGH WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM INTERNATIONAL MONEY TRANSFER WITH THE BELOW STATED DETAILS;

PAYMENT DETAILS

1. RECEIVER NAME: =======EMMA OKECHI

2. COUNTRY; =============BENIN REPUBLIC.

3. CITY; =================COTONOU

4. QUESTION=============WHEN
5. ANSWER: =============TODAY
6. AMOUNT: $95.00 DOLLARS

FORWARD THE PAYMENT CONTROL NUMBER, SENDER

AS SOON AS YOU FINISH MAKING THE PAYMENT, DO NOT HESITATE TO EMAIL ME WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION ON MY EMAIL AS STATED BELOW, SO THAT I CAN FACILITATE THE RELEASE AND DISPATCH OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS. THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU AS I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR EMAIL WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION.

CONGRATULATIONS

YOURS IN SERVICE

MR.MIKE GODWIN

INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND (IMF)

AFRICA REGIONAL+229-6855-0765

You are turned into a nigerian robot for attempting to scam the proprietor.

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 13:15

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Nigmaetcetera posted:

I would like a mummified monkey's paw, please.

(not)Lucien seems either extremely distracted or moderately stoned as he browses through display cases and drawers searching for your item. He breezily hands it to you and ushers you out of the shop.

It's not until you are outside and the shop is utterly gone that you realize what you hold isn't a monkey's paw at all. It appears to be a hand of glory. (BONUS GET!)

# ¿ Sep 4, 2016 13:27

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Warm und Fuzzy posted:

There was a movie I LOVED back in the 80's. Can I get a sequel please?

Sorry one item per customer.

naem posted:

I would like a quaint country cottage vacation home on a wooded lot in a national forest, perhaps built near the abandoned insane asylum, by the haunted lake, on top the cursed Indian burial ground, at the CIA secret occult research facility, where those college student vanished last year, vampires, old man whither's haunted amusement park.

The curse could be "nothing spooky happens" and I have to pay property tax on a small boring house

The quaint cottage is 10 minutes from highway 1 and the property taxes are 60k a year. It is painted a disturbing shade of puke green.

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

I want a hot pretzel that is filled with a thin hot dog.

The dog howls with pain, the pretzel howls with HATE. God knows what will happen if you attempt to eat this.

Nigmaetcetera posted:

Sweet those aren't cursed at all, time to go rob a bank

Yeah no curse whatsoever thats why its a bonus get.

Pththya-lyi posted:

I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce, and mustard, and ... I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't wanna turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any more weird surprises, you got it?

I recommend "which witch", which will be there when you leave this store and turn around to see from whence you have come.

The Protagonist posted:

i'm only interested in vintage lego sets op, watchagat

The box is huge and seems to include an entire lego town set, circa the mid nineties. It includes a greater than usual variety and number of lego townsfolk. Once you've put it together, you begin to understand the catch. The lego men instantly come alive and go about their business, and their business is not normal. A clown lego man keeps luring others into hidden places from which they do not return. Husbands cheat on wives, wives murder hudbands, and on the streets fights and slayings break out over pointless arguments. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the lego world.

When you wake up in the morning, the clown, who you have nicknamed john lego gracy, is six inches from your face, chilling on your nightstand. Staring at you.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 02:24

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Gatekeeper posted:

do you sell puppies? i want a new pug

(not)Lucien seems to have a soft spot for canines. Something about lifeforms that correctly know their place in the grand scheme of things. You are led to a very lush and humane kennel area with all sorts of nornal-looking, well-behaved puppies, along with a few not so normal hellpups.

Soon you are happily on your way home with a pug. But as soon as you get there, you learn the catch. Once in the privacy of your home, away from prying ears, the bright and cheerful pup goes frolicking about its business while murmurring a combination of it's own simple thoughts, dark omens, praise and love for you, and fell knowledge in a raspy, unnerving voice.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 03:26

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Sid Vicious posted:

man gatekeepers doesn't even suck at all its awesome

If you enjoy having an evilly talking dog that won't talk in front of anyone else and will eventually drive you mad, sure, maybe it's swell.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 04:19

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Edgar posted:

My baby is teething and won't stop screaming and drooling. Got anything to make it stop?

You recieve a tonic that is unlabled, with instructions to apply liberally to the child's gums once a week. It works sure as whiskey. But your child then grows gigantic, inhuman, disgusting nosferatu chompers rather than regular teeth.

jon joe posted:

I want a device that closes this thread forever.

You are turned into jon pop for insulting the proprietor.

Neurolimal posted:

rick and morty did this joke better

Tru but I'm no professional just a talented amateur.

Falun Bong Refugee posted:

Lucian, Lucian, Lucian, Lucian, you should know.

o/~

Nathilus fucked around with this message at 05:25 on Sep 5, 2016

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 05:23

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

jon joe posted:

Okay, but the thread is still going to be closed forever, right?

The sacrifices I make.

No. Go harass some women or something, jon pop. :rolleyes:

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 05:49

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

jon joe posted:

This wasn't part of the deal. Why isn't my deepest desire for this thread to be closed being fulfilled? False advertising!

There's no deal if you come in and harass, assault, or molest the proprietor. Use all your well learned politese or your soul gets lain to waste.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 05:58

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

jon joe posted:

How is wanting the thread closed forever harassing, assaulting, or molesting the proprietor? Are you and the thread the same thing? You're not even clever enough to close this thread forever and start a new one! Not my fault you can't even come up with good drawbacks. What a terrible store. 1/5 stars.

The devil doesn't react to criticism well. You insulted his shop. This shows not sympathy, courtesy, or taste. There's only one way in which he can be expected to react to such crassness.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 06:07

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Takane posted:

Can you make anime real.

(not)Lucien seems horrified, then thoughtful, then stumped. Finally he pulls out a take on me comic but within, instead of take on me, is a love hina manga. You are dragged into an obnoxious world of irritating harem anime bitches forever. You are now a pedo (one is like 10 iirc) but will never get laid by any of them. RIP.

Alternatively: the anime that is made real is like school days or cat soup or something else crazy and depressing.

Nanomashoes posted:

Hello Lucien. I am going into battle and I want your strongest potions

Potions, being one-time sort of deals, are on special. You get a sweet three pack. One is a white powder suspended ina milky bu clearish liquid. It is labelled "essence of speed" and is presumably really good at making you fast or clean your house while devolving you into a crazy idiot with horrible skin issues. It ia highly addictive.

The second is called "hero's ambrosia" and looks suspiciously like semen. Hint: it's semen. Works as advertised though an makes you herculean for a limited time. The bottle is huge though, about the size of a bottle of brandy. You'd have to chug a LOT of semen.

The final potion is a tiny vial of purple liquid with a half-gram of compact, gnarly looking plant matter suspended serenely within. "the golden nugget" is its cheeky label. The powers of a lunatic, tripping-balls god is locked within, but what is the price of such powers? (invokes perma-fried)

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 06:22

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Moridin920 posted:

do you have a lighter that never runs out?

The lighter is a battered old zippo with a half worn off engraving reading "gently caress communism". It works perfectly on the first strike almost every single time, as well as being enchanted such that you can pull off even the most fiendish and hardcore zippo tricks.

However, ocassionally; and always when it would be most embarrassing or painful, instead of emitting a normal small flame it instead emits a ten-foot-high column of flame at approximately 1500 degrees c. It also utterly fails to light in the presence of communists.

Wrath of the Bitch King posted:

How about a starter kit that lets me setup my own Lucien style shop of oddities, complete with the backfire mechanism built into all the products

I'm afraid that franchising opportunities, while eminently available, are reserved for demons and the damned of circles 5b and lower. In case you're not current on your dante that leaves heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery as avenues to the unlife allowed to you if you wish to keep the option of getting a franchising agreement left open.

We hope to see you soon. We think you'll make a great member of our team. (Remember no suicide tho.)

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 06:34

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

a few DRUNK BONERS posted:

I wish to be ontologically epistemilogically and teleogically complete

(not)Lucien seems amused and appreciative. He's a seeker after that same star, after all. He congratulates you on your monumental hubris and also what he calls "a big-boy kinda wish."

You get an abrupt feeling that he isn't going to be handing you anything, but you are drawn back into a cozy sitting room and served a spicy, strangely nostalgic tea nonetheless. You feel comfortable and sexually vulnerable.

He then goes into a long and extremely involved lecture on how what you are asking for is impossible for all, save the Creator himself; and not necessarily a good thing to ask for. He speaks of life as movement of information, more than mere animal needs but similar. Hungers and difficiencies. Will given rise by suffering and quenched in cold waters of victory. Utter completion, in contrast, is stillness. It is free of all need and thus silent and dead. True perfection is the opposite of existence, a death so total and real as to be something that can be described as eternal.

"That's HIS problem." (not)Lucien hisses to you. "He's closer to dead than you'll ever be. He needs it all as dreams so he can roll over in his sleep ocassionally. It's why he must torture you all, and why I am cast aside."

Finally the lecture is over. (not)Lucien has done his best to dissuade you from attempting the godhead, and offered several fun alternatives.

You don't even notice that the shop isn't there as you tread back on the street. The cool night air washes over you pleasantly, carrying notes of a trillion trillion changes. You realize yourself to be standing in a web of power and possibility, and as always it is all focused right here on you at this very moment, the present. Before you lies a world in which you can play and upon which you can inflict your desires. And above, ever waiting, always patient, a creator to slay. Yes. Life is good.

(+1 life lesson, alignment change neutral evil)

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 07:02

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

criscodisco posted:

I like dick pics and no one ever sends me dick pics (except Hector Beerlioz and I'm not sure it's technically even a dick). How would Lucien rectify my lack of dick pics?

You get They Live glasses that are xray so you can see everyones junk, but also magically alert you to everything that is a phallic symbol. Phallic symbols are like 40% of all human consrructed objects and 30% of all natural ones. You soon tire of penis.

Iron Prince posted:

look let's be fuckin real here. you got anything that can help sustain an erection? this powder I've been getting from China just ain't cutting it anymore

This stuff is REAL. It disproves the old notion that what goes up must come down.

Rainbow Bells posted:

I've got a cold right now and the coughing is making it hard to sleep. What have you got for me?

An apple that cures your coughing and knocks you out until a prince gives you oral.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 09:47

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Bitter Mushroom posted:

I'd like a cool guitar to help me get girls please

God I hate this song but it means I barely have to post for this one. https://youtu.be/5_LxyhCJpsM

RandomPauI posted:

Okay, so, it has to be a permanent curse. What about a papercut on my left thumb that never heals but never bleeds out or gets infected either so if I'm not careful I'll feel a minorly annoying amount of pain for like a minute?

Done. Beware of infection.

hemale in pain posted:

Hello, I'd like a phone which would never run out of battery please.

e: it's gotta be a smartphone with a touch screen btw. Don't pull some monkey paw thing with me and give me a house phone.

Ok but its an iphone and sometimes when you answer it your dead loved loved ones are on the other side of the line screaming and begging for help.

8-Bit Scholar posted:

Hello sir, I'd like to ask you where I can get a good deal on merkins.

(not)Lucien has ro google this. He looks affronted and kicks you out, claiming that the product you desire is "unnatural".

# ¿ Sep 6, 2016 04:00

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Sestze posted:

I'd like a job. Here, working at this store.

As a fallen soul I am on shift here more or less permanently. At least until armageddon. Therefore I don't need any help. But if you are still interested in working this kind of shop, read upthread about our fabulous franchising opportunities.

# ¿ Sep 6, 2016 04:54

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Rainbow Bells posted:

So what's the catch then?

How many dudes you know just randomly give other dudes who are sleeping oral? U gonna be out a while.

# ¿ Sep 6, 2016 05:27

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Hey man, you got one if those things? *awkwardly gestures with hands

It's like, an air pressure gage, but for temperature. I need one for this thing I'm doing. It's silver.....crap, I can't remember what it's called. You know Ted up the street's number? He'd know.

You are handed a THERMOMETER. It seems to work perfectly but only reads in C. RIP.

# ¿ Sep 6, 2016 05:29

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

VendaGoat posted:

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

* A contract that plumbs an actress's "talents" to to the limit of the national average, so that I may exploit her, as a talent agent, to the most benefit of my wrongdoing.

The contract also forces you to subjectively live through the actresses experiences as you are exploiting her. You quickly tire of penis.

# ¿ Sep 6, 2016 05:32

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

criscodisco posted:

Sleep over at me place, you're in for a wild surprise

PM me.

# ¿ Sep 6, 2016 05:33

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

VendaGoat posted:

As a goat the spews forth vending machines..... Really, who cares?

You already had it pretty bad from loving with the proprietor. I guess he went easy on you.

# ¿ Sep 6, 2016 05:48

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

VendaGoat posted:

*Begins eating your pants, just because*

You are a goat and cannot be blamed for this lapse of etiquette.

# ¿ Sep 6, 2016 06:13

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# ¿ May 8, 2024 06:58

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

RandomPauI posted:

I believe you missed the intent of my question. I'm sure this was unintentional. So I'll be more explicit. What could I get in exchange for this level of curse? A papercut on my left thumb that never heals but never bleeds out or gets infected either so if I'm not careful I'll feel a minor annoying amount of pain for like a minute.

We're not a pawn shop, Ser. We are an authorized curse dealer.

Jeff Sichoe posted:

got any weeds bro?

This rainbow weed will get you high as gently caress but will also make you laugh maniacally and play piano real fast

https://youtu.be/NKID2LRzIdY

# ¿ Sep 7, 2016 05:07

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Lucien's Shop of Oddities