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I'm so smart that I figured out a dumpster is basically a little house with a roof that is also the front door and now I don't have to pay rent.
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Sep 25, 2016 05:34
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HighwireAct posted:teacher: the earthquake had disastrous consequences for San Francisco, due in no small part to the fires sparked from its ruptured gas pipes. some parts of the city were absolutely decimated, and- ---------------- |
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Sep 25, 2016 06:41
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mom: for calling your science teacher "a peabrained mendicant" you're grounded for a week, mister. me: I simply call it as I see it from my lofty intellectual perch, mother. mom: well if you were so smart then why didn't you get away with it, huh? me: well if you're so smart how come you didn't notice that you're talking to a tiger talkboy strapped to a bean bag wearing one of my signature poet shirts? mom: *makes freaked out face as she realizes she's been owned by the best* me: *driving away in her minivan, blaring hey man, nice shot* ---------------- |
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Sep 25, 2016 06:50
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Orkin Mang posted:heaven is paved, according to revelation, with semiprecious jewels. kind of poo poo. beryl everywhere, promenades of cubic zirchonia rhinestone road to dipshit heaven ---------------- |
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Sep 25, 2016 11:08
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hahaha, powerful sex writer
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Sep 25, 2016 18:01
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that's an awesome turn of phrase
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Sep 25, 2016 18:01
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joker: you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? mensa batman: no, you ever solve the sunday new york times crossword? joker:... mensa batman: lol, you simple rear end bitch. ---------------- |
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Sep 25, 2016 18:57
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thug: what the hell are you? mensa batman: 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01100010 01100001 01110100 01101101 01100001 01101110 thug: ??? mensa batman: *sighs loudly, rolls eyes* ---------------- |
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Sep 25, 2016 19:58
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teacher: *writing on chalkboard* welcome to day one of the hardest math class this school offers. this equation I'm putting up is believed to be unsolvable; trying to solve it has driven many a mathematician to madness and ruin. if any of you can solve it, and I doubt that you can, you will get an instant A and, to make it interesting, a kiss on the lips from my smoking hot wife. me: *strokes goatee thoughtfully* LATER, AFTER CLASS EMPTIES OUT me: *strides to the chalk board, takes a piece of chalk, throws it in the air and catches it masterfully, then begins writing* THE NEXT DAY teacher: *walks in, looks at chalkboard, drops coffee, and puts hand to his mouth in shock* my god... that's it... *camera pans to reveal entire john galt speech written after the equal sign* ---------------- |
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Sep 25, 2016 20:56
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A POINT BY POINT EXPLANATION OF WHY ALL THE REASONS I WAS FIRED FROM THE GAS STATION ARE BULLSHIT 1: let my friend Cody live there at night: Cody and I go way back and so I gotta do the guy a solid (samurai outlaw code of honor, look it up in the school of the autodidacts, i.e. The Internet) and after all those times Cody broke in and stole fifth avenue bars and toilet paper it was pretty obvious that we needed night security. it killed two birds with one stone! but apparently if you don't have a management degree from College Among The Redwoods like Steve you're not qualified to make decisions that can save the company potential millions. 2. shorted out the electrical system while trying to hang Mensa certification: a professional should be able to hang proof of their accreditation in their place of business. duh. even my grandfather has a Worlds Best Grandpa certificate, framed, on the wall of his den. so why can't I? people should know that when I overhear their conversations and give them life advice that it's coming from a well of deep insight, so it's not my fault Steve did not provide a stud finder with the deep scan function I would have needed to detect the wiring in the exact spot I was hammering the nail? I ASKED FOR THIS DEVICE WEEKS IN ADVANCE! also apparently I hung it in front of the sign to that says what year you have to have been born in if you want smokes and booze. whatever man. that's a bullshit law anyways and babies should be allowed to drink. 3. smoked a lot of meth all the time in the bathroom: uh... they were lab chemicals. from a lab. you know, where scientists are from??? it's not called doing drugs; it's called being physically & recreationally addicted to cuttting edge nootropics, look them up and get educated before the next time you act like a mega dick and freak a guy out who is just starting to peak on his brain enhancing ochre powder. 4. beat up my stepdad in the parking lot: ok yeah this one I have to cop to. in summation, President Obama, this whole thing is bullshit so please call Steve and tell him to give me my job back. thank you and may you be blessed by your own rationality. respectfully, Brian Stopka, esq (iq 164, https://www.freetests.org certified) Try Juno Free internet today and find out what millions of Cambodians are talking about! https://www.juno.com ---------------- |
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Sep 27, 2016 14:26
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thank you everyone for the warm welcome you've given me to this illustrious think tank. about me? well if I was going to say one thing about myself it would be that model trains and the game nomic are my absolute passions, after star trek and having a "deep think" about how to guide social policy in this nation, of course. if I was going to say two things about myself, the second thing would be that I am required by law to inform you I am a registered sex offender in the state of nevada... *clears throat* I suppose the first thing was actually a collection of things. my apologies.
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Sep 27, 2016 16:28
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tried to get some choice sam harris quotes airbrushed in cursive on my vintage bad religion tee, guy at the airbrush booth in the mall knows neither cursive nor who sam harris is... my gods, has the school system become this debased since I graduated three years early (well, abdicated, but that's splitting hairs and I have so few left to spare :P)? ohhhhh well, that's just life in this squalid little burb for you. sigh.
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Sep 27, 2016 17:53
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misty mountaintop posted:I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson's Neil deGrasse Tyson. you reminded me of this thing I made awhile ago: NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON IN VARIOUS SITUATIONS HAVING SEX wife tyson: ooh it feels good to have you inside me. husband tyson: actually the vaginal canal is not technically the inside of your body. wife tyson:...goddamit neil wife tyson:... wife tyson:...if you weren't so good at this i'd ask you to stop. ON A TEEVEE SHOW shildim: bazoorka! *laughter* tyson: *places hand on shiftlist's shoulder* math *laughter* socom: s-sempai! *laughter* *laughter continues* ON A DIFFERENT TEEVEE SHOW bilbo marr: tyson, what do you think about the star wars? should obama have ended the star wars by now? tyson: the star wars are a movie, bilbo. they are not real. obama did not make them. george lucas originally devised the idea for the star wars. bilbo marr: but weed atheism new rule? tyson: yes. probably. AT THE ARBYS RESTAURANT tyson: hello, I would like twelve beef an cheddars. cashier:??? tyson: I really like beef an cheddars. AT THE SPACEARIUM tyson: *looks through telescope* woah. uranus is very beautiful tonight. dr. janet uranus: *blushes* oh my, neil! tyson: no, I meant the planet. you are a solid 4.6 dr. janet uranus: *puts hands up in a whaddya gonna do pose* that's our neil! *credits begin rolling over still images of the events of the day* IN THE FILM JERRY MAGUIRE tyson: did you know that matter is mostly empty space? ray: d'you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds? *they consider one another for many long minutes, then lock in a passionate embrace* AT A FANCY RESTAURANT WITH HIS WIFE waiter: and you sir? tyson: do you have any beef an cheddars? wife tyson: *pinching the bridge of her nose while closing her eyes* goddamit, you magnificent fuckbeast. ---------------- |
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Sep 27, 2016 18:07
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want to touch my donger? well, why don't we have ourselves a lil debate and you can present you case for why you should touch my donger? and don't even try using any of schopenhauer's 38 stratagems on me, babe, because I will know and will have the manager throw you right the hell out of this Intelligentsia.
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Sep 28, 2016 14:57
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I'm so smart that I did it with a watermelon. why? because watermelons can't have babies. did I get a watermelon seed stuck up in my pecker? oh yeah, for sure. did I go to the hospital to have it removed? nah, I just pee around it.
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Sep 29, 2016 14:02
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| # ¿ May 2, 2024 05:55 |
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The_Book_Of_Harry posted:your tale of malappropriated melons calls to mind a similar passage in C. McCarthy's Suttree. its stark portrayal of the alcoholic underclass of mid century East Tennessee, seen through the lens of a malcontented former member of decent society, makes one pause to think, "there but for the grace of God, go I." yeah, but I ate the watermelon afterwards, so it was green as well. ---------------- |
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Sep 29, 2016 17:26
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