- HighwireAct
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Pozzo's Hat
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teacher: the earthquake had disastrous consequences for San Francisco, due in no small part to the fires sparked from its ruptured gas pipes. some parts of the city were absolutely decimated, and-
me: so only one tenth of those parts were destroyed?
teacher: e-excuse me…?
me: ever take a look at a dictionary, nerd? decimate means “to reduce by one-tenth”
teacher: language isn't a static construct-
me: whatever, old man. give me a ring after you learn some basic english
teacher:
me: *flies off on my copy of “elements of style”*
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Sep 25, 2016 06:09
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May 2, 2024 14:05
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- HighwireAct
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Pozzo's Hat
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mom: for calling your science teacher "a peabrained mendicant" you're grounded for a week, mister.
me: I simply call it as I see it from my lofty intellectual perch, mother.
mom: well if you were so smart then why didn't you get away with it, huh?
me: well if you're so smart how come you didn't notice that you're talking to a tiger talkboy strapped to a bean bag wearing one of my signature poet shirts?
mom: *makes freaked out face as she realizes she's been owned by the best*
me: *driving away in her minivan, blaring hey man, nice shot*
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Sep 25, 2016 08:18
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- HighwireAct
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Pozzo's Hat
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during my first advanced calculus class (this was my freshman year btw), my professor told the class about this thing called the “Goldbach Conjecture” or something dumb and nerdy like that. i took one look and thought “that's it? lmao i could do this in my sleep” (which i almost did b/c math is so easy for me it makes me sleepy) so i said “i know the answer”
the professor – clearly taken aback by my genius – said “uh, okay?” which really meant “drat I'm gonna learn today”. i just smirked algebraically and replied, “it's trivial, really”
he was so stunned and schooled in that moment that he pretended he didn't hear me and kept giving the lecture, which really meant “drat my feeble mind can't handle all the knowledge this kid is laying down right now”
i'd post the proof here but i don't think any of you could really comprehend it and i don't want anyone to steal my work
*shreds a sick wave on my copy of principia mathematica*
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Sep 25, 2016 08:59
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- HighwireAct
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Pozzo's Hat
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Smart guy: I am Barack Obama. I am the logical president. I like to vote for logical things, such as XKCD comics or the television show Stephen Universe.
Dumb guy: I am columnist George F. Will. I like baseball, football, basketball, and just generally being a big dumb jock. I have sex all day, with many different kinds of women. My enemy is the logical president Barack Obama. We are rivals.
Smart guy: I will vote for health care. I will vote for overtime reform. I will vote for immigration enforcement changes. I am the logical man. I am Barack Obama.
Dumb guy: I am the powerful sex writer George F. Will. I have written about many things: taxes, Texas, ticks, and talking. I love sex. My penis is large, but my brain has a below-average number of folds.
Smart guy: I will destroy you with my sword. I will destroy you with my Japanese-style sword from a catalog. I remain Barack Obama, the president of logic.
Dumb guy: I also have a sword from a catalog, and mine has a confederate flag dragon on it. And yet, I am still George F. Will, the sex-having word master.
Smart guy: Then the heavens will shake.
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Sep 25, 2016 18:34
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- HighwireAct
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Pozzo's Hat
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Dumb idiot (vapid FEMALE probably likes JOCKS holding an alcohol drink): What's your favorite Invader Zim episode?
Me (STEM major who follows the teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith): The logical fallacy inherent in your statement is that you can rank any one Invader Zim episode above another, when the truth is that they're all brilliant examples of a distinctive kind of high-energy surrealist humor that also characterized many popular Flash animations, such as the Animutations series, that defined websites such as Newgrounds and Albinoblacksheep in the early 2000s. Furthermore, as a feminist, or more accurately an equalist, I feel that you are shallow and put too much emphasis on your frame and bust, and would prefer a more natural, or curvy, goddess-style woman in the fashion of the character Mei, from Overwatch. So, to answer your question, I do not have a quote-unquote "favorite" Invader Zim episode.
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Sep 26, 2016 04:07
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- HighwireAct
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Pozzo's Hat
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A POINT BY POINT EXPLANATION OF WHY ALL THE REASONS I WAS FIRED FROM THE GAS STATION ARE BULLSHIT
1: let my friend Cody live there at night: Cody and I go way back and so I gotta do the guy a solid (samurai outlaw code of honor, look it up in the school of the autodidacts, i.e. The Internet) and after all those times Cody broke in and stole fifth avenue bars and toilet paper it was pretty obvious that we needed night security. it killed two birds with one stone! but apparently if you don't have a management degree from College Among The Redwoods like Steve you're not qualified to make decisions that can save the company potential millions.
2. shorted out the electrical system while trying to hang Mensa certification: a professional should be able to hang proof of their accreditation in their place of business. duh. even my grandfather has a Worlds Best Grandpa certificate, framed, on the wall of his den. so why can't I? people should know that when I overhear their conversations and give them life advice that it's coming from a well of deep insight, so it's not my fault Steve did not provide a stud finder with the deep scan function I would have needed to detect the wiring in the exact spot I was hammering the nail? I ASKED FOR THIS DEVICE WEEKS IN ADVANCE! also apparently I hung it in front of the sign to that says what year you have to have been born in if you want smokes and booze. whatever man. that's a bullshit law anyways and babies should be allowed to drink.
3. smoked a lot of meth all the time in the bathroom: uh... they were lab chemicals. from a lab. you know, where scientists are from??? it's not called doing drugs; it's called being physically & recreationally addicted to cuttting edge nootropics, look them up and get educated before the next time you act like a mega dick and freak a guy out who is just starting to peak on his brain enhancing ochre powder.
4. beat up my stepdad in the parking lot: ok yeah this one I have to cop to.
in summation, President Obama, this whole thing is bullshit so please call Steve and tell him to give me my job back. thank you and may you be blessed by your own rationality.
respectfully,
Brian Stopka, esq (iq 164, https://www.freetests.org certified)
Try Juno Free internet today and find out what millions of Cambodians are talking about! https://www.juno.com
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Sep 27, 2016 15:34
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- HighwireAct
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Pozzo's Hat
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I dropped out of my computer science degree because they refused to focus the course on the one true art form, video games
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Sep 27, 2016 19:00
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May 2, 2024 14:05
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- HighwireAct
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Pozzo's Hat
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Think you're smart? Hume ust be mistaken
Kant believe you got your philosophers mixed up so badly
edit: okay, not that badly
HighwireAct fucked around with this message at 01:35 on Sep 28, 2016
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Sep 28, 2016 01:33
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Sep 25, 2016 06:09
