Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I saw that meme of Alex Jones goin "Trump going in to a nest of goblins, goblin vomit, catch him in bed with a goblin" and laughed pretty hard. Then I started listening to Alex Jones, originally just for laughs. But I'm starting to think maybe he's right about some stuff?

I have always thought 9/11 was an inside job - it would be too easy to plant explosives and detonate the building, and it didn't fall like a building hit by a plane would. Plus the guy who owned it make billions off the insurance? More like a payoff in my humble eyes.

So yeah, I listened to more from Alex Jones and started agreeing with about half of his stuff. I watched the videos of him infiltrating the Bohemian Grove and Google and they both chilled my bones - I'm terrified of secret societies now. I don't wanna tell anyone since they'll think I'm insane and believe ALL of his stuff.

quote:

My cat brought a mangled, but alive, field mouse into my house the other day. Using a cardboard toilet paper tube I drowned it in my toilet, which still had a fresh morning leak in it (water ban). I watched it struggle before giving in to take a deep breath of my piss and dying.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 17:11

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# ? Apr 25, 2024 13:02

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

let me save u a google

https://vine.co/v/5zuxVVKrO5u

# ? Sep 30, 2016 17:11

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

loquacius posted:

9/11 truther

It's almost as if they constructed the WTC to collapse in on itself in the event of catastrophic structure failure... but nah.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 17:12

Rush Limbo: Sep 5, 2005; its with a full house

Everyone knows the best way to design a building is so that should it collapse it would fall to the side like a giant tree and gently caress up everything and everyone in its path.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 17:15

the holy poopacy: May 16, 2009; hey! check this out; Fun Shoe

loquacius posted:

Also I don't understand your spite-driven anti-dog policy. Get a dog. Dogs are great. If you get a dog, guess what, it's your dog too, not just hers. My wife is a cat person by nature but looked into the idea of getting a dog because she knows it'd work better with the allergy thing (although it's a moot point until we get an apartment that allows pets) and got really enthusiastic about it, because dogs rule. For the billionth time this thread has made me appreciate my own relationship more.

If both people in a relationship are okay with option A but only one of them is okay with option B the only reasonable route is that nobody gets anything and they both sulk in misery.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 17:23

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

It never fails to astound me that not only are there people that think the Bush administration was anywhere near competent enough to pull off a false flag operation on the scale of 9/11, but that politicians getting shitfaced drunk in the woods in silly robes while lighting poo poo on fire somehow makes this more likely in their minds.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 17:30

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

The Alex Jones thread has some awesome poo poo in it btw, Alex Jones is an unintentionally hilarious person

e:

Libelous Slander posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhqUk28OwHs

# ? Sep 30, 2016 17:51

old beast lunatic: Nov 3, 2004; by Hand Knit

food court bailiff posted:

It never fails to astound me that not only are there people that think the Bush administration was anywhere near competent enough to pull off a false flag operation on the scale of 9/11, but that politicians getting shitfaced drunk in the woods in silly robes while lighting poo poo on fire somehow makes this more likely in their minds.

I get drunk and do satanic poo poo in the woods all the time and nobody cares. :shrug:

# ? Sep 30, 2016 18:25

Basch lives!: May 31, 2011; Grimy Drawer; Dinosaur Gum

loquacius posted:

The Alex Jones thread has some awesome poo poo in it btw, Alex Jones is an unintentionally hilarious person

e:

Oh my gently caress that is too good

# ? Sep 30, 2016 19:18

Magres: Jul 14, 2011

that piss mouse story is both gross and hilarious

# ? Sep 30, 2016 19:30

Gutter Phoenix: Jul 23, 2013; I preferred your last avatar, so I put it back. My apologies to the pedo who purchased your last one (it's always projection).

food court bailiff posted:

It never fails to astound me that not only are there people that think the Bush administration was anywhere near competent enough to pull off a false flag operation on the scale of 9/11, but that politicians getting shitfaced drunk in the woods in silly robes while lighting poo poo on fire somehow makes this more likely in their minds.

Six or seven I years ago I worked at a small company owned by a creepy trust-fund millionaire. He went to the Bohemian Grove thing every year, so a co-worker and I looked up what it was, saw the conspiracy theories, laughed, and then started looking for videos. I had never heard of Alex Jones before, but his "infiltration" video was the first thing to come up. It was silly, but I did learn that the Bohemian Grove has a giant statue of an owl that plays a taped speech from Walter Cronkite!!

If that's what the Illuminati is all about, I want in.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 20:06

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My wife and I have a net worth easily in the 7 figures and neither of us look like a goon since we are both in shape and attractive. But I love shitposting so I do it and have to be careful when money comes up. That's a pain in my rear end because I have a persona here that nobody would think is a rich dude lol

so my confession is lol not being a loving poor owns

quote:

How weird is it to have a fetish where skinny hot attractive girls gain weight and get really fat. It's the only thing I wack off too. Where does this poo poo come from?

# ? Sep 30, 2016 20:15

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

thanks for sharing world travelling attractive somewhat wealthy sexhaver. :rolleyes:

plumpergoon: do you just like go find before and after pics of weight loss drugs and reverse the order or what?

# ? Sep 30, 2016 20:20

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

"I have to be careful when money comes up" what the gently caress are you talking about, nobody cares how much money you have, let alone cares enough to comb through your posts for hints of "possibly being wealthy".

# ? Sep 30, 2016 20:31

Harakiri Potter: Oct 18, 2004; REACH HEAVEN THROUGH VIOLENCE BABY

I'm not sure which is worse... being a serial dog killer or a bug spreading fuckboy. I'm surprised there aren't more furry confessions, though. Those people have to feel awful about themselves.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 21:21

VendaGoat: Nov 1, 2005

yeah I eat rear end posted:

"I have to be careful when money comes up" what the gently caress are you talking about, nobody cares how much money you have, let alone cares enough to comb through your posts for hints of "possibly being wealthy".

Sounds like something a poor would say.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 21:26

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Rich goon is Nooner.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 21:27

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My husband and I are in a really good relationship and absolutely adore each other. We married over the summer after living together for a few months, so this is our first fall season living together. Which is where the problem comes up.

My husband and I are both horror buffs and love the entire Halloween season, and we were excited to decorate the house for Halloween. The inside's already decorated, and we're going to start putting up the tombstones and spider webs and hanging ghosts outside in another week or two. We agreed on this together and were both excited. What we didn't agree on was my husband constantly scaring the poo poo out of me, sometimes multiple times a day.

After we decorated the house, he apparently got in the mood for spooking me. I was going to the bathroom and he was hiding in the shower behind the curtain. He hopped out and screamed, I jumped, and we both laughed it off. This was fine, but it's escalated since then.

He's bought a werewolf mask at out local dollar store, plus he already owned a Scream mask and a scarecrow mask from previous Halloweens. He's used all of these in the increasingly elaborate pranks, at one point decorating a sewing dummy to look like him (which scared me already since he rigged it on a rope to swing out when I opened a door) and then jumping out of the closet when I started yelling at "him" (the dummy) for scaring me.

I'm a bigger guy; almost 6 foot tall and around 275 lbs. I work as a landscaper and electrician so I'm kind of viewed as a man's man by my friends. In contrast, my husband is less than 5 and a half foot tall and maybe 120 lbs soaking wet. He's able to hide in closets, under the sink, behind the couch, behind doors, and even inside the refrigerator at one point. This has been going on for 3 weeks. At first I laughed, then I was annoyed, now I'm angry. I keep telling him to stop, he agrees, then he does it again and says he "couldn't resist". He's always very apologetic afterwards, and is otherwise completely amazing to me.

I realize how insanely stupid this is, hence the anonymous confession.

quote:

I post on the E/N forum a lot, giving relationship advice since (prior to yesterday) I had been happily married for almost a decade. I was tempted to post a thread there, until I worried that maybe a bunch of people I *did* give advice to would suddenly think "Oh gently caress, this guy can't keep his life together, why did I listen?" and potentially gently caress up things that were working.

I left work early on Thursday to surprise my wife. No reason at all, just felt like coming home and spending a few extra hours with her. I'd been putting in some longer hours over the summer thanks to a few projects I was put on, and I wanted me wife to know she was still #1 in my life. I didn't text her or call, I wanted it to be a surprise.

When I pulled in to the driveway I had flowers in my front seat and plans to take her out for dinner, wine and dine her, and then end the night with some love-making. Since, admittedly my fault again, we've been having a bit less sex lately and I haven't really been open to her advances at times since I'm falling asleep almost as soon as I get home.

I felt weird when I pulled up to the house because there was another car there. I didn't recognize the car, so I thought maybe it was a repairman or maybe one of her friends had come over. I started panicking a bit since my wife has cheated on me in the past (once in college before we married, once while I was in Florida for several months caring for my dying mother, and once after I was in the hospital for a while after having diverticulitis and going through major surgery). We had gotten through those times and the last one was almost 2 years ago, so I thought we were past this. But I have always been a bit jealous, so I was paranoid.

To skip the really bad stuff which I'm not stilll comfortable with, my wife was cheating on me again. It was a guy who had, earlier in the summer, done some work remodeling our kitchen. I kicked him out, threw his poo poo out of the window, and demanded answers from my wife. She explained that this was the very first time they did it, and that she was missing me since I spent so much time at work. When we went to dinner that night she further apologized and said it would never happen again.

I was ready to forgive her until we got home. I was in the bathroom attached to our bedroom (my wife didn't know I was in there) and walked into our bedroom. My wife was naked, spread eagled, and taking photos of herself. At first I thought "Alright, I'm gonna get laid tonight and have some pics for later", but she got really nervous.

Then her phone started buzzing and I saw she was sending these pictures to another man. And not even the man I caught her with earlier in the day.

I kicked her out of the house. I took the day off work today and I'm throwing all of her poo poo in a series of garbage bags, which I'm going to leave in the driveway. I keep crying but I know it needs to be done.

# ? Oct 1, 2016 02:23

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

#2 goon, I'm glad you're severing, but honestly all I could think of was "fool me once, shame on you, fool me five times, what the gently caress"

Like, if you find your wife cheating on you for the fourth time total and you still take her out to a romantic dinner that night something is already kinda wrong. Like, cheating while you're off caring for your dying mother was some stone-cold poo poo and honestly even if the first time wasn't a "last straw" moment for whatever reason that one probably should have been.

Well, the moral of the story is if someone is willing to cheat on you once they'll probably keep doing it, take that to the E/N bank

# ? Oct 1, 2016 02:27

dookifex_maximus: Aug 10, 2016; by zen death robot

see that first one's a perfect example, even if its fake, i don't care, i'm going to dive in head first

i love this story. I'm a big fan of practical jokes but I don't appreciate ones that create a panic or anger. you've been honest with your fella, and he can't see how this affects you. what recourse do you have? you have to break it off or join him on his level. i'd recommend hiring an actor to fake mug you two sometime in a creepy alley, going so far as to grab him bodily, by the shoulder and spin him around with a snubnose revolver in his face demanding his wallet and phone. he'll never have it in him to jump scare you again

e: have him point it at you and say "on your knees" first to disarm you, it'll play better

# ? Oct 1, 2016 02:36

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Goon number one:

I was believing this until I saw you were the bigger one of your homosex man marriage. Be the Bear that you are supposed to be and assert your dominance by scaring him even more by dressing as bigfoot or fake blowing up your house anything really.

Goon two guy:

Find a hookup and have dirty revenge coitus on all the trash bags you left outside for your wife to see when she comes to pick them up.

# ? Oct 1, 2016 05:19

cup holder full of dimes: Oct 1, 2016; by WE B Boo-ourgeois

i once put a finger in my poop hole

# ? Oct 1, 2016 05:38

LethalGeek: Nov 4, 2009

loquacius posted:

Cheating Wife

So what you're trying to tell us is you're a giant idiot?

# ? Oct 1, 2016 09:05

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Gay scaredy goon, next time he does it just punch him as hard as you can right in the face. Tell him it was a reflex, and that that's what happens when you jump scare a dude twice your size. Repeat as necessary. He'll stop soon enough.

# ? Oct 1, 2016 09:47

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

scaredy goon. that is goddamn hilarious.

E/N goon, dude its good that you try to help folks with their problems and poo poo, but dont let that be an impediment to talking about yours :smith:

hell the only way i learn poo poo is by loving up royally, hope things go better for you, as while its no doubt really hurtful for you, the lady doesnt seem to be treating you remotely with respect.

# ? Oct 1, 2016 10:15

Adar: Jul 27, 2001

the second guy is just trying to see how close everyone gets to the word without going over

# ? Oct 1, 2016 10:53

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

RustyShackleford posted:

i once put a finger in my poop hole

# ? Oct 1, 2016 11:07

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I really hate the movement behind the ; symbol. Not because I have anything against the depressed or mentally ill, but because I think it is cheesy and hokey and kind of loving annoying. It's pretty much my favorite punctuation, but it's been co-opted by attention-seeking brokebrains. I have not met a single person who associates with the symbol that I would not describe as insufferable.

If you're suicidal, get help. Call a hotline, get therapy, join a support group. If you've been suicidal and you've gotten help, I am absolutely thrilled for you. But don't rub your victory over yourself in everyone's face, jeez.

Preempting 3 pages of discussion: :siren:

honeypot warning :siren:

, a serious discussion about incarceration and treatment is encouraged, but don't let the stated intent of this confession (i.e trolling the hell out of ephebophilia defenders and other weirdos) derail this thread.

quote:

i cant seem to stop defending pedophiles

really its because theyre people too and its pretty well proven that ostracizing them and punishing them too harshly actually has negative impacts on recidivism rates (increasing them)

but its really a nice side benefit that it trolls the living poo poo out of goons

adios

ps ive never harmed or considered harming a child

# ? Oct 1, 2016 11:30

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

what is "the movement behind the ; symbol"

Pretentious people? Grammar nerds? Programmers?

# ? Oct 1, 2016 13:18

Rush Limbo: Sep 5, 2005; its with a full house

It's a tattoo people get based on the semicolon project.

It's supposedly a sign of people who have struggled with depression and suicidal tendencies or those who support them.

Because a semicolon indicates that a writer could have ended a sentence but didn't.

E: Basically a goon being a goon and saying they don't like being reminded there are brokebrains out there, which is definitely not projecting at all.

Rush Limbo fucked around with this message at 13:29 on Oct 1, 2016

# ? Oct 1, 2016 13:24

jsoh: Mar 24, 2007; O Muhammad, I seek your intercession with my Lord for the return of my eyesight

people what get a tattoo of a semi colon on their wrist, symbolizing that they choose not to end their sentence

# ? Oct 1, 2016 13:26

ghost host: Apr 17, 2010; ain't got no cash
ain't go no style

The semicolon tattoos are all really bad but I've never seen one in the flesh.

# ? Oct 1, 2016 13:27

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I don't get it. The gently caress does choosing not to end a sentence have to do with depression? Is it a suicide thing?

# ? Oct 1, 2016 13:31

omnibobb: Dec 3, 2005; Title text'd

Solice Kirsk posted:

I don't get it. The gently caress does choosing not to end a sentence have to do with depression? Is it a suicide thing?

They chose not to end their sentence (life).

My dad had about 6 inches of his colon removed due to cancer and I tried to get him to get a tattoo of a semicolon on his scar. Then he died. The end.

# ? Oct 1, 2016 13:35

Rush Limbo: Sep 5, 2005; its with a full house

The sentence is a metaphor for life and a full stop is the end or death.

It's not a terribly complicated metaphor.

# ? Oct 1, 2016 13:35

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

So it is a suicide thing. Pfffft, that's lame. Should have been a little dark storm cloud or something. At least then tattoo artists wouldn't be depressed.

# ? Oct 1, 2016 13:46

Kirk Vikernes: Apr 26, 2004; Count Goatnackh

Feminasty Slut posted:

I get drunk and do satanic poo poo in the woods all the time and nobody cares.

It's not 1982 any more.

# ? Oct 1, 2016 14:46

the future is WOW: Sep 9, 2005; I QUIT!

quote:

It's pretty much my favorite punctuation

quote:

I have not met a single person who associates with the symbol that I would not describe as insufferable.

# ? Oct 1, 2016 15:48

brotato: May 14, 2013

Holy poo poo this whole time I thought the semicolon was a crohns thing

# ? Oct 1, 2016 16:50

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# ? Apr 25, 2024 13:02

barnold: Dec 16, 2011; what do u do when yuo're born to play fps? guess there's nothing left to do but play fps. boom headshot

alpaca diseases posted:

catsex goon, get a dog- theyre objectively better in every single way and your gf may start seeing you as the man she wishes you were

yes goon, please purchase the equivalent of an animal slave who cannot form independent thoughts and will instead be a burden on you and whoever you need to take care of it for as long as it lives.

alternatively, if you'd like to be rad as gently caress and still have a life, get a cat. they're smarter, they smell better, and they don't eat their own poo poo. and that's not taking into account the fact that a cat can do its own thing without being force fed instructions its whole life. the only people I have ever met that have had a cat that showed them anything other than love and loyalty turned out to be irredeemably lovely pet owners. your mileage may vary

# ? Oct 1, 2016 17:56

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