Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Cleaning-lady punisher: you're disgusting. Do you really think she deserved that, or did you just want an excuse to humiliate somebody over whom you had power? (Clue: more likely the latter). loving rear end in a top hat.

# ¿ Nov 18, 2016 16:48

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 14:16

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Descend to slumber posted:

If you want to gently caress trees and houses I'm pretty sure that just makes you a garden variety pervert.

I really hope this pun was intentional

# ¿ Dec 2, 2016 10:21

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Maybe he's a Marine: "Simper Fi"

# ¿ Dec 5, 2016 23:21

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Nissin Cup Nudist posted:

Is there some German word that means this? Seems like there should be

GoonFrauleinWeinerKontaktLeiber

# ¿ Dec 12, 2016 09:43

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Yug posted:

Then there's me over here who's had sex a lot and I always have to lie to girls about how much sex I have because it's a lot and they're always asking me and I have to lie and say a smaller number because the actual number of sex I've had is a big number not a small one.

Do you mention that it's in part because of your huge cock?

# ¿ Dec 13, 2016 19:30

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Arven posted:

How the hell is this out of control? My wife and I made this exact dinner for roughly the same amount of people 3 weeks ago for Thanksgiving for about 100$, and everyone left with leftovers.

Maybe every item has its own custom Magic deck.

# ¿ Dec 14, 2016 17:09

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Sentinel Red posted:

It's so blatantly a trollpost I'm amazed you didn't pick up on it sooner. Like, no one is that much of a clueless, selfish wasteman. No one. I refuse to believe it.

Part of me does want to be real though, if only for the wife to follow through, divorce his worthless arse and take him to the cleaners.

YOU CAN TAKE MY HOUSE, YOU CAN TAKE MY CAR, BUT YOU'RE NOT GETTING A SINGLE MAGIC CARD, WOMAN!

# ¿ Dec 14, 2016 18:04

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Atlas Hugged posted:

Yes and then one of the cops turned out to be crooked and was arrested shortly after the story broke.

A heartwarming story all round.

# ¿ Dec 16, 2016 12:29

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Torquemada posted:

Reminding me of an Onion side bar "TALK SHOW GUEST HAS SHOCKING SECRET, FIST SIZED ADAM'S APPLE".

That's bloody hilarious. Thanks!

# ¿ Dec 18, 2016 15:15

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

loquacius posted:

There's an "alt-right" (read: nazi) cartoon that gets posted in the political cartoons thread sometimes that looks like it was drawn by Shmorky's evil twin, but I haven't said anything about it lately and haven't said anything nice about it ever so

more like low five, SNAP

anyway I can't get a new av until I get back home from my NYE trip but someone's gotta post these things

"I'm living a pretty kickass life and things are going really well," said the guy figuring out #lifehacks to make hooters waitresses let you touch them

"I'm living a pretty kickass life" says the guy who pretends to have a developmental disability which affects him mentally and physically.

# ¿ Jan 2, 2017 16:20

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Jose posted:

i'm buying my first property on monday and i'm bricking it

How much bricking does it need?

# ¿ Jan 10, 2017 23:40

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Indolent Bastard posted:

Kind of a "If you have a hammer, every problem looks like a nail" sort of a thing.

"If you have a gun, every brown(ish) person looks like a murderous criminal"

# ¿ Jan 18, 2017 15:52

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

necroid posted:

I'm not saying kill/sterilize the poors, I'm saying everyone should evaluate very carefully if they need and if they're ready to have a family

if you do it anyway and you're not prepared for it financially or emotionally then it's all your fault, don't blame others. you might blame yourself and others for the circumstances that brought you to this point, but that's still a consequence of too many people that technically shouldn't be alive?

I'm not rich btw and I hope that humanity dies off sooner rather than later

Good grief. The issue isn't how many people there are (at least not economically; environmentally yes): it's how wealth is distributed. There is enough pie, it's just not being shared. The eight richest men in the world are as wealthy as the poorest half of people in the world put together. Would everything suddenly be dandy if they were as rich as only 25% of the world?

# ¿ Jan 20, 2017 10:22

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Police Automaton posted:

People, it's Hadron Collider. Like the particle.

Large Hard-On Collider would be a good name for a gay club.

"What kind of quark are you?"
"Excuse me?"
"Top or bottom?"

quote:

:
I pretended to have cancer for about 18 months. I did it at first to get out of work. I needed a week off, my bosses refused, so I "woke up feeling really sick". I came in to work and said I had cancer, and since I work in a small grocery store and nobody gives a poo poo, that was it. I then proceeded to take a bunch of time off for the next year, inlcuding holidays, which are BULLSHIT to work at agrocey store anyway.

I got more pussy while I was cancer positive than ever before. Because 1 > 0 lol.

I eventually got over my cancer when that pussy train dried up and I realized it wasn't really beneficial to keep lying.

Also I'm high AF right now thanks to some sweet medical marijuana. Not due to cancer but due to my glockoma.

Glockoma (noun): an eye condition affecting armed white policemen which makes them see weapons and threatening behaviour in black men which aren't actually there, and consequently shoot them.

therattle fucked around with this message at 14:02 on Feb 3, 2017

# ¿ Feb 3, 2017 13:47

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Maybe nightmare goon is confessing not that he has nightmares but that he refuses to get help for them even though they cost him a relationship. Sounds like he's pretty scared of confronting what they might mean.

# ¿ Feb 4, 2017 16:28

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

I don't know why but the Rich Gumhead one made me really laugh.

# ¿ Feb 5, 2017 11:27

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

STD SIL: maybe she's worried she got the STD from your brother but doesn't want to go where she's known.

# ¿ Feb 16, 2017 10:12

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Queer goon(ette), I don't blame you one bit. You've done a huge amount with no family or network in place in a foreign land where people could (and did) exploit you. On the one hand, I'd be proud of myself and what I'd managed to do, but I think I'd also be bitter and angry that you needed to and that such prejudice exists which necessitates it. Maybe one way of making it feel a bit better is by actively working to change things, if you aren't doing that already?

# ¿ Feb 26, 2017 13:20

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Anne Whateley posted:

Cuck guy doesn't even have a cuck fetish, because that whole thing is about humiliation, which he isn't into. He just wants to have a MFM. Go forth and watch MFM porn without all the weird humiliation and racist poo poo and "loss of respect" weirdness.

I'm not the confessor but I'll take that advice anyway, thanks.

# ¿ Feb 28, 2017 17:10

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

areyoucontagious posted:

Nope, no qualifiers, no way. Straight up super disgusting. Sure, confessor might be naive and abused, but either way that mom deserves to be jailed. Ew. Ew ew ew.

Also, for your viewing pleasure, the creator of Magiswords, who might also be the masturbating confessor!

http://www.cartoonbrew.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/kylecarrozza.jpg

Bitter experience has finally taught me to not click that link, no matter how curious I am. It rarely ends well.

# ¿ Mar 3, 2017 09:02

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

yeah I eat rear end posted:

Who has clear windows in their bathroom anyway? Every house I can remember being in either had none or had frosted glass, or at least curtains.

I have clear windows because my fetish is being filmed or observed using the toilet by a pervert who thinks I don't know they're watching.

# ¿ Mar 6, 2017 10:30

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

I don't turn the light on when doing night-piss so I sit on the toilet to ensure aim. I keep it dark so that I can get back to sleep more easily without having been disturbed by a bright light, and do that my wife doesn't get disturbed by light either.

# ¿ Mar 6, 2017 22:04

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

uber_stoat posted:

I bought a toilet light from the Chinese internet. It turns on when it senses my dick.

Isn't the incredible sensitivity of technology amazing these days?

# ¿ Mar 6, 2017 23:25

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Danaru posted:

No your honour, you see I failed the sobriety test because I was so scared. And then the police falsified the breathalyzer results. It had nothing to do with all the beer I drank at happy hour, its the polices fault

Also loving lol at "I never drive drunk, I occasionally have five or six beers before driving myself home but I also eat so it's fine"

Drunk driving is fine! I haven't killed anyone yet! (That's when I'll know it's a problem but not before). Hopefully the only person you kill is you. Doesn't seem like it would be a great loss.

# ¿ Mar 9, 2017 14:30

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

loquacius posted:

The typo makes this sound like an accusation of Stallone fetishism out of nowhere

That's a very serious accusation to make.

# ¿ Mar 13, 2017 17:21

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Fat goon, that sounds like compulsive/addictive behaviour. But you carry on until your hot thin wife leaves you for someone who isn't "technically" 300lbs and doesn't hide food from and lie to her.

# ¿ Apr 6, 2017 07:43

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

limp_cheese posted:

He already has enough kids as it is. No sense in putting him in an organization that sends him around the world so he can get more chicks pregnant.

At this point he should get a vasectomy. It's cheaper than whatever he's doing now. Even if he joined the Army after that he'll still wash out. He has zero drive. The military can help someone be driven but can't give them the drive when they have none.

Well, he has a sex drive. Apparently he's too stupid to find out if such things as latex-free condoms exist.

# ¿ Apr 22, 2017 19:31

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Radical and BADical! posted:

There are some made of sheep skin but they do not protect against STDs. One can only hope confessor doesn't realize this and dies of super AIDS in the near future

There is a huge range of latex free conforms available but yes, let's hope he gets bad ones

# ¿ Apr 22, 2017 19:40

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

FAGGY CLAUSE posted:

Ah you're right. I'd edit my bad post full of wrong opinions, but I'll let it serve as a warning or example to others of what a retar looks like. Cheers

-A fag

If I ever get hold of you, you little piss bitch, I'm going to shove my balls so far up your rear end you won't poo poo right for a week.

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 21:50

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

FAGGY CLAUSE posted:

It seems to me that therattle was probably combining that porn video of a black man shoving his testicles into a womans gaped anus, with the anal scene from bad santa. where he tells the woman that she will not poo poo right for a week.

Half right. Delighted to say I'm not familiar with the clip in question, and nor do I want to be.

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 22:59

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

bradzilla posted:

Or he can do whatever the gently caress he wants with his inheritance. I'd sit on the money because most charities are revealed to be scams anyway.

A convenient belief that means you don't have to give anything. If only there was some way of ascertaining if a charity was legitimate before giving it money!

# ¿ Apr 29, 2017 14:58

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

The Management posted:

Poors gonna poor I guess. Money is a responsibility.

Let's get some concrete numbers. If you had 26 million bucks invested and you were able to increase your return by 4% with active management instead of just letting it sit in an ETF (a totally achievable goal on average), you would be making an additional one million dollars every year. That is, by choosing to work your low paying job that you like instead of taking care of your financial responsibilities you are literally walking away from a million dollars a year for that privilege.

That's a pretty loving big assumption. If going to university to learn finance got you an extra 4%, then every active manager with training or experience would be beating the market. To my knowledge, they aren't. And what if the confessor isn't interested in managing money or is just bad at it? That +4% pa could easily become -10% pa. I have a postgraduate degree in finance and if I had money like that I sure as poo poo wouldn't want to devote my time to managing it all. I'd stick a big chunk in some conservative investments that kept track with inflation and gave me a good income ($200k pa goes a long way with no mortgage) and keep a few million aside for a house, travels and playing with (in my case investing in film development and films, knowing it would probably be lost).

# ¿ Apr 30, 2017 16:45

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Nazi goon, a lot of the atrocities Heydrich committed weren't in order to get power but once he already had it. So it wasn't ruthlessness, it was just psychopathic sadism and hatred. Way to go! No wonder you need a role model or someone to aspire you when you even gently caress up choosing who to aspire to.

# ¿ May 1, 2017 10:25

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

WampaLord posted:

Exactly, it's baffling to me that this goon doesn't even seem to consider wanting to do something like this.

You could have a lifetime of adventures with that money with plenty left over to give to your kids or the charity of your choice.

I think hat would get boring pretty fast. People need meaning for long term satisfaction. Some get it from work. Poster could also get it from charity work etc. Just living an idle life sounds good but probably wouldn't actually lead to happiness.

# ¿ May 1, 2017 13:32

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

WampaLord posted:

I feel like this is a comforting lie we all tell each other to avoid the truth that work sucks.

I like my work but that's why I said meaning could be obtained from charity work or similar. Otherwise I think a life of ennui would result.

# ¿ May 1, 2017 13:49

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

WampaLord posted:

It's absolutely true for poker, but nothing else.

THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.

# ¿ May 2, 2017 13:49

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Radical and BADical! posted:

If i were a lawyer, I'd get a big, Gravy covered pro boner just thinking about that case

Mmmm, gravy-covered boner.

# ¿ May 5, 2017 19:27

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Radical and BADical! posted:

It's Sausage Gravy flavored today, my dude, get to

Are there biscuits with that?

# ¿ May 5, 2017 20:22

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

yeah I eat rear end posted:

Honestly I'd just let it go and let it work itself out. If the guy sends his gaping rear end in a top hat to one person he'll do it again, let them deal with the hassle/responsibility of getting the guy fired. Pass the buck (or in this case, the rear end).

Did you ever dream boldly enough to think that one day you'd write these words?

# ¿ May 9, 2017 12:43

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 14:16

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Maybe she meant it would be tough to date again because it would be so hard to find someone she loved as much?

# ¿ May 9, 2017 19:32

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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