Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

I hope Amway goon's parents leave the house and everything else to the humane society or something. That's what I'd do if I had a stupid, lovely, worthless child.

# ¿ Sep 30, 2016 16:43

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# ¿ May 6, 2024 16:59

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

I'm the goon who's wife is constantly loving other people but somehow still has totally good relationship advice.

# ¿ Oct 1, 2016 21:05

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

turbomoose posted:

I steal pens from all the hotels I go to, but I think that's why they're there right? Just for guests to take and use?

They're there to put up your butt while you're staying at the hotel you idiot. You're not supposed to take them with you when you check out.

# ¿ Oct 8, 2016 19:08

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

I am a man of science and reason.

The only way duplos could possibly get in my yard is loving ghosts.

# ¿ Oct 21, 2016 22:16

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

quidditch it and quit it posted:

I'd be an incel in one hot minute if it meant I could stop spending money on rent and start buying loads of rad lego. Those guys don't know how lucky they are, living four-year-old me's dream.

If it wasn't for my gf and wanting her to remain my gf I would devote a spare bedroom to making a huge Lego city.

# ¿ Dec 2, 2016 19:23

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Docahedron posted:

Pages back but I understand your pain. I woke up once with my goon bf's dick in my mouth. I was so confused and scared and nauseous, I immediately ran out of the room and texted my two best friends and told them I woke up to being face raped. I was crying and everything.

Turns out I was sleep-making out with him and proceeded to give him oral sex also while asleep. While I'm sure that was fun for him it surely wasn't fun for me. Long story short I don't think I'll be sleeping next to friends or whatever.

Hahahaha yeah that's what I tell my gf too.

e:f;b

# ¿ Dec 8, 2016 21:28

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

loquacius posted:

Somebody had a whole bunch of things they wanted to say

So did the sister just "allude" to it, or did she tell him the actual "story"? Those seem like two different things to me. I do think sometimes people that weren't molested and therefore have no memory of being molested end up getting convinced that they were because "why else am I so hosed up?"

quote:

I'm guessing from context that "stealing valor" means "pretending to be a veteran" or something and that it is a Very Serious Offense among military circles

Yeah I think it's illegal. Like if you want to dress up as an army mans and wander around it's not a crime but if you do it and use it to get free Applebys on Veterans Day or 10% off your gas station coffee it becomes a crime.

# ¿ Dec 9, 2016 15:14

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

quote:

Previous confession from a fellow incel motivated me to submit my own. I'm also incel, but I have a different perspective as I'm a woman.

Men are infinitely more shallow then women, which is my problem. As a man, you can look like poo poo, gain weight, etc. As long as you are a little bit "charismatic" you have dumb skanks fawning all over you, and no time for girls like me. Even more so if you have something to catch their attention, like an eyepatch or a scar or a cast or something. Some "proof" of your manliness. There's nothing like that for us. I can't just go to a bar with an eyepatch and start having men fawn over me - I would look ridiculous.

I was never asked to a dance in middle or high school, I was just that chubby friend whose prettier friends all got dates. The dude bros were too busy dating cheerleaders, and the ugly nerds were pining after those same women. There was nobody left to show any interest in me. Once I worked up the courage to ask out a guy - I'll never do that again. He friend zoned me (yes, men do this far more often than women) and suggested I talk to his friend instead. Sorry, I'm not going to date your sloppy seconds, I have standards.

I've gotten more and more bitter over the years but it's justified. Men barely look at me, let alone ask me out. I've spent so much money at the gym and on various diet plans. None of it works. Every day I walk around, hoping that a guy will pay attention to me, instead of all the dumb whores. It never happens. Guys, despite all they claim, just want a dumb bimbo to sit around and look pretty. I want to talk about history, politics, magic, science, and things like that.

Your loss men. And I hope that incel man on these forums realizes that he's voluntarily not having sex, since people like me are still out there. But good luck finding us with your vision set to only detect "10s" and girls who are "bae" and various other garbage.

Your standards are apparently too high because fat ugly weirdos gently caress other fat ugly weirdos all the time. If "walking around hoping someone will pay attention to you" isn't working maybe you need to try some new tactics. Consider going to places where fat ugly weirdos tend to congregate, like MTG tournaments, furry cons, and porn theaters.

Also I'd like to see the source on your friendzone statistics.

# ¿ Dec 9, 2016 15:24

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

loquacius posted:

curious how they're gonna write Sam out of Game Of Thrones

Carlos Valdes from The Flash. Or maybe someone from Agents of SHIELD.

# ¿ Dec 16, 2016 15:30

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

WAY TO GO WAMPA!! posted:

Fantasy writer goon: your girlfriend didn't leave you cause she found a bunch of weird notes about Chinese amazons foot fetishes, she left you cause you are trying to write a 14-volume fantasy series which I don't even have to read to know is bad

A guy I used to work with has self published two fantasy novels. I read the first page that he had on his website and it contained two homophones and three grammar errors.

If he becomes the next Hugh Howey I will kill myself, because this guy is practically a retard.

# ¿ Dec 16, 2016 15:34

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

loquacius posted:

Ok assuming this is real, you realize if you get divorced your wife is getting some to most of that money, right? And probably she gets to keep the kid, too.

Don't go nuts planning your retirement just yet is all I'm saying. Also, maybe don't get divorced? Unless there's a ton of poo poo you left out, your main reasons for resenting her all have to do with financial problems that were not her fault any more than yours. Maybe try keeping her around and see how you feel after you get a little more comfortable.

I'm not a hot tub expert but that water has to get cycled out, right

right???

You didn't win 3 mill. After taxes you won 800k and your wife won 800k.

# ¿ Jan 9, 2017 04:08

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Improbable Lobster posted:

You'd have to be a real chump to actually pay full taxes on lotto winnings

What are your tax avoidance strategies?

# ¿ Jan 9, 2017 05:54

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Improbable Lobster posted:

Go to a good accountant

Good as in one that knows and adheres to all the laws, or good as in does all kinds of shady poo poo?

Because I think it's generally pretty hard to make income into non income after it has already been incomed.

Short of giving a ton of money to charity (which isn't going to result in a net increase of money in your pocket) or (potentially) going for the annuity instead of the lump sum, I don't think there are ways to avoid a significant amount of taxes on a large lottery win.

bird with big dick fucked around with this message at 15:29 on Jan 9, 2017

# ¿ Jan 9, 2017 15:26

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

420 SWAGLORD posted:

A trust redeems the winning ticket for you and can then pay out however much you decide yearly, at which point you pay tax on the payouts at a much lower rate than you would have on the lump sum. The pro move is to pull out like 50-100k a year and pour most of it into "business expenses" that coincide with your hobbies, and pay almost nothing. Another advantage of this is that with a big enough principal and a reasonably sized payout you can do this literally forever, as you are just pulling from the interest. You never have to work again and neither do your children's children.

I don't think you have any idea what you're talking about.

# ¿ Jan 9, 2017 19:00

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

420 SWAGLORD posted:

http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/article/20140927/news/309279988

http://info.legalzoom.com/create-trust-claim-lottery-winnings-26346.html

Sorry you're poor it's hosed up obv but rich people pretty much don't pay tax. I thought everyone knew that...

Did you actually read either of those? Because I bet you didn't. Just go ahead and cut and paste where they say that a trust allows you to avoid income taxes on a lottery winning.

Have you ever paid taxes before?

# ¿ Jan 9, 2017 19:48

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

420 SWAGLORD posted:

I did not

I know. Because I know how trusts work.

Rich people tend not to pay a high percentage of taxes due to things like carrying over operating losses (e.g. Trump) and the lower rates of long term capital gains.

Somehow I doubt Mr. UPS Driver lotto winner has millions of dollars of prior operating losses and I am not a tax attorney but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you can't claim a lotto ticket as a long term investment.

# ¿ Jan 9, 2017 20:08

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

420 SWAGLORD posted:

please stop owning me and if you ever stumble across a big ol pile of money just talk to a good accountant/tax attorney before you pick it up ok?

I'm just trying to help in case you win the lotto.

Also you owe me $500.

# ¿ Jan 10, 2017 22:25

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

I'm not into cucking but I do watch guys plow my gf on the reg.

# ¿ Jan 12, 2017 19:29

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

loquacius posted:

I mean, you sound a little judgey considering you're right there in that basement with him, but your current lifestyle does sound unsustainable. Talk to him about possible changes you could make (move somewhere else? Night school? Just plain better job searching?) but I don't think it's worth dumping him over unless he seems completely unwilling to change things up.

But that extends to you too. Remember, it's not the 19th century up in here. You can make changes in your life too. Don't put it all on him. You didn't really mention whether either of you has an irresponsible spending problem or a drug addiction or whatever, so it's kind of hard for me to say it's All His Fault. He's just a dude trying to get by, as far as I know.

I think this young lady should Seek an Arrangement.

# ¿ Jan 19, 2017 02:24

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

Would you say that wage inflation has kept up with the increase in mortgage prices (and general cost of living) over the last 15-20 years?

They did if you bought a house 4 years ago. If you're trying to buy one now you're p much hosed.

# ¿ Jan 19, 2017 20:09

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

It's a good thing if you own the company and are making a larger profit because of it.

It's a good thing if you're an engineer and are making a larger salary because of it.

It's a poo poo thing if you were working on an assembly line and are now unemployed or working as a Walmart greeter because of it.

Whether or not that's a good thing overall seems debatable. It seems to me this good thing has resulted in ever increasing wage disparity and a large part of the middle class getting poo poo straight down the toilet.

# ¿ Jan 19, 2017 20:31

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Jastiger posted:

Professor isnt a rapist. Sounds like adults entering into an agreement.

How could your opinions about Des Moines and Lena Dunham be so accurate and your prefessor rape opinion be so bad?

# ¿ Jan 23, 2017 23:36

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

loquacius posted:

Honestly in the current thread environment of blackmail sex, taking a peek in someone's dresser feels almost tame. Don't worry yourself about it too much; do have an open and forthright discussion with your girlfriend about intimacy, because even if she does sound extremely faithful, 3 months is a long time.

Woah, dodged a bullet there. Since she (probably) isn't cheating on you it must be one of the GOOD reasons she hasn't wanted to touch your gross dick in three months.

# ¿ Jan 23, 2017 23:42

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

lmao that first one owns

# ¿ Jan 25, 2017 14:19

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

food court bailiff posted:

X Gon Give It To Ya is a great loving song.

It really is.

# ¿ Feb 3, 2017 03:17

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

My therapist put her hands all over me while "helping" me put me outerwear on but "I didn't notice a thing."

# ¿ Feb 4, 2017 10:57

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Police Automaton posted:

When I'm alone I sometimes experience existential terror and start screaming until I pass out. I also like old computers. Hit me up on kik

# ¿ Feb 6, 2017 07:01

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

loquacius posted:

There was a recent confession sent in about being married to a hooker and it inspired me to confess the time I got robbed of roughly 2000 dollars by one and her pimp. I saw her ad and she looked too good to be true but I was drunk and horny so I figured what the hell. I always carry a firearm when I go to see hookers just in case. In this case I had a 44 magnum desert eagle. Before the TFR nerds jump on me, it was a purchase I made completely black out drunk and it seemed like a great idea at the time, and I do/did have a concealed carry permit (I am fat so concealing it isn't a huge issue).

Anyway, I show up at her lovely motel with my ~1500 dollar gun and about 400 in cash ready to gently caress. I hand over the agreed upon 150, she tells me to get ready and she heads in to the bathroom. Shortly after she closes the door and I start taking my pants off this big black guy comes out of the closet with a knife telling me it's time to leave. I reach for my gun and actually point it at him and pull the trigger, but probably luckily for me I forgot to load the drat thing. He sees me panic when I realize that I now have no defenses, punches me in the face and takes my gun and the rest of the cash in my wallet and tells me to leave.

I was just thankful that firstly he didn't stab me, secondly that he let me keep all my cards and ID, third that he let me keep my car, fourth that I didn't have to explain the dead black guy in a motel room with a whore in the bathroom had it actually been loaded to the police, and fifth that I didn't get pulled over drunk with a gun and a lot of cash on the way there. I reported it stolen just in case they end up killing someone with it but of course I had to omit a ton of details.

If there's a lesson to be learned from this, don't buy a gun you have no business carrying especially if you are stupid enough to not load it before going in to a potentially dangerous situation.

I appreciate that he mentioned that he was fat but he didn't mention that he was also severely retarded so I'm going to have to call bullshit on his CCing a desert eagle.

I mean, the rest of the story indicates that he's retarded, but...

# ¿ Feb 6, 2017 07:12

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

loquacius posted:

I would say "how does a guy who still has student loans manage to spend 1.2 mil on gambling" but I guess you have a system. Just gotta account for this one detail huh

I dunno man, I can barely handle my "I worked at a salaried job all year and have no dividend-paying investments" W2 Any insights, thread?

Take out a 90k mortgage on the house.

# ¿ Feb 7, 2017 21:46

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

H.H posted:

I apologize in advance if the confessions won't be updated as regularly as you've come to expect since in the next few days loquacius is away and I have a throat infection.

I'll try to do what I can. Here's the latest batch:

The second confession basically describes polyphasic sleep and is 99% likely to be bullshit, but I found the second part to be entertaining, so I still posted it.

What kind of wealthy neighborhood has everyone parking their cars in the driveway like common middle class trash?

# ¿ Feb 19, 2017 01:12

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Lote posted:

Pint of hard liquor a day is getting into alcohol withdrawal seizure and delirium tremens territory. Naltrexone is good. There are addiction psychiatrists out there and regular psychiatrists get training in it.

What about two pints every other day?

# ¿ Oct 26, 2017 16:15

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Slugworth posted:

I should clarify, I'm not attracted to her, she's just older looking than 13. I don't want people thinking "13" or "most ghetto chick on earth" are things that get my motor going.

Too late, howbow dah?

# ¿ Oct 26, 2017 16:23

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

SniperWoreConverse posted:

yes, the Sumerians invented the second, and there are 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour because their insane math system is base 60 or some poo poo.

This is also related to why a circle has 360 degrees and why there are 365 days in the year. (the 5 other days were dead, evil days outside the normal calander iirc. Like ghosts and poo poo come out so they're not "real" days.)

There are 365.25 days in a year because that's how long it takes the earth to make a revolution around the sun.

# ¿ Oct 26, 2017 23:55

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

SniperWoreConverse posted:

this was discovered by the sumerians and is why they have weird as gently caress numbers like this sequence

12 x 60²3 x 60¹10 x 60⁰

Your statement made it seem like the Sumerians decided to break a circle into 360 degrees and also decided that it should take 365 days for the earth to go around the sun. God decided the latter buddy, not the Sumerians!

# ¿ Oct 27, 2017 07:03

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# ¿ May 6, 2024 16:59

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Fuckin buttholes, how do they work?

# ¿ Jan 7, 2018 00:01

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