Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

loquacius posted:

How exactly do you "prove" to an Internet person that you have watched a comedy movie without closing your eyes

At any rate, try watching the new one, I've heard it's bland and mediocre, maybe that'll help

Anonymous Confessions: my favorite movie of all time is Avengers: Age of Ultron, so I can handle some pretty f'd up, intense stuff

# ¿ Jan 15, 2017 22:39

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 23, 2024 20:15

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

quote:

I've decided to sell all my worldly possessions and go on a worldwide quest for adventure...

Sadly, I can't believe this one, because Dwight Schrute was a salesman, not an accountant.

# ¿ Mar 19, 2017 07:16

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

Rumda posted:

She's gonna kill and eat you Therapy Goon.

Bet she'll use the good plates, too.

# ¿ May 29, 2017 19:32

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

Bust Rodd posted:

Goon look in the mirror for two minutes every day and making dead sober eye contact with yourself manifest a lead loving singer of an erection (NO HANDS ONLY UR MIND) and say "I AM THE CASANOVA! I AM PETER loving NORTH! I AM SINGER/SONGWRITER AND TANTRIC SEX GOD STING!"

Two minutes
Every
Day

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. IT�S PETER NORTH'S A SLUT IS BORN 17 AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, PETER NORTH. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN GROANING SOUNDS WHEN I POP A BONER OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY WATCHED AN ENTIRE VHS OF PORNOGRAPHY. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY COLLEGE CLASS AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN COLLEGE CLASS CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JEKRS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE GRUNTS AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 2 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNIng

# ¿ Jun 19, 2017 03:11

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

quote:

My husband and I worked for about nine months to have a baby. We have been together 11 yrs now and our finally officially combining our DNA was a literal uniting of our two families, so it was sort of a big deal for our group.
Almost everything about the birth sucked balls, I loving hated it, and I can't loving tell anyone because motherhood is supposedly so goddamn wonderful, so I'm putting it here.
I'm a super-chill gaming stoner mom. I don't give a gently caress in general- I'm fighting serious baby weight, so my priorities in life are straight and this isn't diva bullshit; I really didn't ask for much and it all went bad. I wanted to do a simple birth and then have a superfun STONER PARTY afterward, but nope. Here goes:

-Spent a month stringing outdoor lights back and forth between bedposts, labor was at 5:30 and still everyone left before dark. Nobody saw the lights that I prolly spend $500 and 30 sweaty hours stringing.
-My sister came to visit from outta state and brought my 18yr old nephew who is a worthless manchild. I missed my kegels with my dad cuz manchild nephew insisted on leaving, so my sister lied and said she had 18yr offset postpartum and needed dad to drive them home, so he left right after Lamaze. He's probably apologized for leaving 20x now. Sad dad.
-My dressing gown didn't fit right cuz I bought it months ago when I was an ovulating fat chick, and even after having it professionally altered, the tits looked like a Spirograph.
-One of my close friends (a pro chef who works for a bakery) prepared the placenta for us, and for some reason waited until the day of my birth to do so. The placenta dried in the sun and crumbled before we got pics. Also it was hella gross and nobody ate it.
-My sister did my epidural... I couldn't tell her no cuz she's my loving big sister.. and she hosed it up. I sounded like a dying whale.
-Sister also did hair which was all sideways and hosed up and looked like something Trump would wear. Again.
-Mom's a pro florist, so she made the floral manger and it was probably the only nice thing about the birth, BUT I didn't have my rosewater cuz mom insisted on making it and never made it. It sounds trivial, but I needed that rosewater to moisten my placenta.
-For probably 3 weeks I asked my husband to please select a bed or move the stupid bed from the basement so we could have a place for me to birth our child. He never picked a bed or anything, so one of my friends kindly unfolded her camp chair and picked a random ice cooler to prop my legs on. The cooler she picked is the one cooler I DID NOT WANT present for the birth of my child, so I saw one of the coolers I hate the most as my baby crowned. Its just a fuckin' bummer that of all the coolers it was that cooler. Wtf.
-My friends all fell on their faces in the same spot when they saw my birth canal.
-My pictures are absolute poo poo for various reasons, heres an example: the photog took pics of is in under a strobe light and the loving cooler was in them and all the lovely plastic packaging from the epidural is in the manger and you can see it in probably 400+ pics.
-My mom adopts weird celebrities. She brought some guy named Andy who helped her do flowers. Andy got loving rude and rowdy, he tried to grab a few of my male friends' dicks, so my mom also had to loving leave early and take Andy with her because he was being a dick.
-Doula kept loving up the ceremony, making mistakes, coughing, being loving weird.
-When it came time for my husband and I to say a couple words to each other, I could tell my the new dad didn't prep AT ALL. C'mon, man, you knew this was coming, what the gently caress? You're supposed to say something profound about our baby, dude.
-When the ceremony was over, we walked away from the camp chair and nobody had set up a chaise lounge for me to sit, nothing like that, so I had to move a table and chairs and food and that loving cooler in my gown. In the kitchen.
-I was going to have our favorite breastmilk catered and served from an illegal immigrant I know personally, but mom was like "Nope, already planned and paid!".......... she picked random formula from a Grocery Outlet. Nobody pumped it it, and it was far away from the kitchen. I had to hike across a the living room in my gown to get a bottle of milk I didn't like and take it back to my baby who drank it like it was from Rosita.
-Nobody watched us cut the cord because they were too all busy leaving early and the photog didn't get pics.
-My baby didn�t even stay up after dark. I had games, fireworks, a pinata full of chocolate and mini liquor bottles and grape blunts, drinks, weed, lights, all of that poo poo, wanting to have an awesome nighttime party afterward and she loving napped.

People were wearing weird clothes, father in law got drunk and said weird poo poo to the Doula, it was a week of 70dg days that shot up to 72 during my birth so everyone was sweating, the baby's toast was unprepared and embarrassing, the carport we were under for weed just fell the gently caress down while we were taking out.... there's so much more but Ima stop there.

...and here I am pretending I was so excited, and I had such a super time, and I'm so grateful, and I'm glad we finally had a baby and it was everything I hoped it would be, what a fairytale night, blah blah blah, when in reality I just want to flip everyone off for loving it up. It sucked and I don't want to talk about how much fun I had because no, I had an awful loving day. Even the birth loving sucked, and when I kept asking everyone if everything was prepped, they all told me it was all good, bunch of bullshitters.

Thanks For listening.

# ¿ Nov 22, 2017 04:45

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

Plot twist: stalker girl is the therapist who hosed the other goon.

# ¿ Jan 5, 2018 07:01

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

Anne Whateley posted:

No wonder the Secret Service had to visit Lowtax, the White House is entirely staffed with goons

Do you have stairs in your White House? :ohdear:

# ¿ Jan 19, 2018 00:03

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

SciFiDownBeat posted:

wasn't there a standoff between some rednecks in Oregon who didn't pay taxes and the county government like a year or two ago?

Yes.

The basic gist: a bunch of �Patriots� who were cranky about the BLM took over a wildlife refuge. They were comically ill-prepared, begged online for food, and threw garbage in holes. The government, not eager for Waco 2: Electric Booglaoo, just waited them out. Upon their escape, one of these geniuses either went to surrender and got killed by a trigger-happy fed, or went for his gun and got killed by a fed, depending on how corrupt you believe the government to be.

And, in Oregon�s grand tradition of failing at even the most basic judicial tasks, they somehow all got off pretty much free.

# ¿ Feb 23, 2018 22:33

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

What if the time machine was on a treadmill? And had a parachute?

# ¿ Mar 14, 2018 08:04

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

Illustrated version of the �fesh:

# ¿ Apr 24, 2018 00:53

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

loquacius posted:

I don't think you can even get much money for open, completed Lego sets, right?

In the grand scheme of collectible toys and resale value, LEGO does pretty well - certain minifigures can net high prices, as can rare pieces. An example I can think of offhand is this ridiculous door because it was only in a handful of sets, and therefore alone can net about $15.

# ¿ May 23, 2018 19:13

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

TheJetCityFix posted:

fesh plot twist: He steals office girl's wifebeater and boardshorts boyfriend.

Fesh plot twist: He has neglected to tell us that he and his work crush are both therapists. Her current boyfriend will quickly exit the picture, just like the ~~goon~~ boyfriend before him.

# ¿ Oct 19, 2018 21:22

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

Azza Bamboo posted:

Can a man cut off his own dick get it taxidermied and then mounted on a strap on and then get hosed by their own dick?

Sounds like the next hit from Hugo Award-nominated author Chick Tingle.

# ¿ Mar 2, 2019 23:29

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

loquacius posted:

They made Garfield massagers? That part's the biggest shock to me honestly

I�m fairly certain Jim Davis would license the production of fully authorized Garfield pornography if it meant he�d get paid.

# ¿ May 2, 2019 20:01

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

loquacius posted:

...Biden is the only one that would cause me to write in "Jim Davis' Garfield" or something

I mean, we�ve set the bar pretty drat low for presidents now. I�d vote for someone who was going to make every Monday a national holiday and guarantee lasagne to the masses.

# ¿ May 11, 2019 16:26

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

Sagebrush posted:

I agree with this. If women are encouraged to wear gauzy, low-cut, form-revealing outfits that accentuate their secondary sexual characteristics, certainly men should be too.

If Jonathan Frakes doesn�t appear in the new Picard show wearing an inappropriately oversexualized outfit, the show runners are cowards.

# ¿ Sep 21, 2019 17:29

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

loquacius posted:

Really the best kind of sexual encounter to have is a onesome

Then your sexual performance is guaranteed to only disappoint one person!

# ¿ Nov 25, 2019 16:03

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

loquacius posted:

I didn't read that as him trying to trick her into it or anything, he said it was an accident

This reads pretty strongly as the porn video equivalent of �oops, it slipped�:

quote:

I thought I had some sensual couples stuff cued up, but I must have misclicked because it was some "rough" maledom play. She was pretty quickly turned off by it, I apologized, and suggested we skip porn for the night and I give her a back rub instead.

Here's the thing...I knew what I was playing.

# ¿ Dec 12, 2019 17:44

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

nunsexmonkrock posted:

I had a dream that my husband texted me that he wanted his dick sucked. That is all.

Just lol that your husband hasn�t already cut off his dick to solve that problem.

# ¿ Apr 29, 2021 02:20

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 23, 2024 20:15

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

Modulo16 posted:

On election day in 2008 I was working as a Cashier at a grocery store. This store catered mostly to upper middle-class families and a large amount of retirement communities nearby. I was poor and had no health insurance. Obviously, I was excited about Barack Obama possibly winning. During my shift a woman comes through the line, like normal that day but this time she had a really big pin that read: "Healthcare is a privilege, not a right". I remember being so angry at this person who was clearly retired and on Medicare, and the fact that she would wear this pin unironically made my blood boil. I think about this lady, and how much of an rear end in a top hat she was. I guess the confession is that I really hope she died either A) painfully, or B) alone.

It�s all hush-hush, but my wife and I are 95% certain my brother-in-law got himself fired from a blue state Starbucks on Election Day 2012 because too many customers talked about voting for Obama.

So congratulations on having better self-control than he did!

# ¿ May 2, 2024 21:39

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant